Ballad of the Idiots III: C-Sharp or B-Flat ------------------------------------------ Hungry why wait? ----- Snickers motto Hungry wait why? ----- Brak Wait why hungry? ----- Alfred E. Neuman Wait hungry why? ----- Robot Why wait hungry? ----- Head of soup kitchen Why hungry wait? ----- Forrest Gump ------------------------------------------ 2 days before launch Wildcat: Kinda amazing that we're even able to do a third installment of this stuff. Aldonza: Well, considering that your human clone has to be in school for 4 years, it would probably be smart to come out with a fourth installment. Wildcat: That would be kinda pushing it, Aldonza. Aldonza: Why? Wildcat: For one, Ash won't be able to stick around forever. Two, Ripley, Kyile, and Ripley Jr. ARE supposed to be evil, and we don't allow evil in the Mansion. Three, the amount of content we find is limited. Aldonza: For one, we've done it before Ash showed up. Two, those 3 lunatics can still be controlled. Three, we can come up with new content. Wildcat: (groans) Oh, all right, but I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. Aldonza: (grins) Quiet, kid. 1 day before launch (Ash is talking on the phone. He hangs up a second later) Ash: (to Atom Cat) That was Brock. He said that he'll be by in a little while to pick me up. Atom Cat: Good. Anyways, for a few places, I had to pull a few strings. Ash: Yeah? Atom Cat: For the "School Days" segment, we had to use my Age Reversal machinery on Aldonza, her mom Blackie, and Wildcat. They won't actually take effect until the segment begins, and they'll wear off after the segment ends. Also, for the "That's What" segment, we will be using a special Blast Shield adhesive on you that I created myself. It'll deflect about 85% of whatever comes in contact with it. Ash: ....and, that's bad, or good? Atom Cat: Let me put it this way: if you were on a game show, Anne would say to you, "Ash, you ARE the weakest link. G'bye." (Ash walks away) Atom Cat: (continues) .....Whose mental house is on fire?.....Who is one chocolate short of a full box?.....I urge you, drop the dunce....eject the idiot.... Ash: Shut up. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Wildcat: Well, we're back. First off, let's do our ratings report; first off, for the first installment; but---again, first off--- here's Ripley to explain what "ratings" are. Ripley: "Ratings" are a group of mindless aliens bent on destroying the world. They land on the bodies of cows and drain them of milk until rats could bite them. Wildcat: (ticked) RIPLEY! (to Atom Cat) How'd we do for the first installment? Atom Cat: We had a couple hundred people for the first installment. Not bad, considering this is a small town. However, there is a slight pattern: on Monday through Thursday, we got 200 people to read the first one. However, on Friday, it dropped down to 0 before resuming it's usual 200 marking. Wildcat: (thoughtful) Must've been the way I introduced that installment with the statements of life deal....(turns to Ash) Hey, Ash. How'd we do with the second installment? (Ash is staring at the table. He remains silent) Wildcat: (a bit louder) I said, "Hey Ash. How'd we do with the second installment?" Ash: (voice is a bit broken) Not so good. Only 7 people read the second installment. Wildcat: (startled) Holy cow! "7"?! Ash: (same tone as before) Seven. Wildcat: (puzzled) As in....7? Ash: (same tone) Four boys, two girls....and one piano tuner. Wildcat: (flinches) Ouch. Ash: Not so good.... Wildcat: (suspicious) Ash, just out of curiousity, where did you get this information, hmmmm? Ash: From Kyile. Wildcat: (venomous) Oh, I see..... Kyile: (protesting) It was a joke! Ash: (shouts) SOME JOKE! (Notes from Atom Cat: in actuality, 315 people read the second installment, but again, we had 0 readers on Friday. Must've been the way the introduction was made.) Ripley: Shut up, Atom Cat. Atom Cat: I wasn't talking to you; I was talking to the people out there. (points towards the camera) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- BAD RUMORS WITH GOOD HUMOR, Part One Kyile: Quick, Aldonza! Yes means no, and no means yes! Should I destroy you? Aldonza: (panics) No! Kyile: No..... Aldonza: Um....YES! Kyile: Yes.... Aldonza: (gives up) I DON'T KNOW! Kyile: Time's a-wasting, girl! (Ripley walks up to a lady on the street) Ripley: Excuse me, would you like to take advantage of our "Model Evaluation Service"? Only ten dollars. Woman: Me? I've never thought of myself that way. Yes, I would love to be evaluated. Ripley: You're hideous. That's ten dollars. (Aldonza is sitting on a bed in a doctor's office) Aldonza: I feel sick every morning. All day long, I feel like either crying or punching someone. Doctor: (writes something down) You've got a bad case of mahjobis junkus. Aldonza: Are you saying my job makes me sick? Doctor: Don't worry. There's a cure. Here's a brochure on assisted suicide. Aldonza: (fur bristles) How do you assist? Doctor: I gave you the brochure. (Wildcat is napping on his bed. Aldonza walks in, a purse slung over one shoulder) Aldonza: You know, Wildcat, you really ought to start learning stuff everyday. It would add purpose to this dreary existence of yours. (Wildcat opens one eye sleepily) Aldonza: I'm heading over to Fairlane Mall for a few things. When I get back, I want you to have learned something. (Aldonza walks out the door.) (2 hours and 25 minutes pass. Aldonza walks back in, carrying several bags full of various accessories) Aldonza: Hey, Wildcat. I'm back. Whatcha learn while I was gone? (Just then, Aldonza gets a good look at what's in the room. Her eyes widen, and she drops the bags that she's carrying. Camera cut over to Wildcat. He's sitting in a fluffy chair next to a big-screen television and a new stereo, and he's wearing sunglasses and drinking some fruit punch. All the items have price tags on them) Wildcat: Well, for one thing, I learned how to use your credit card. Ripley: I just went by Mrs. Feeny on my way over here. She had an arm in a sling, a neck brace, and a cast on one leg. She gave me this really nasty look. None of guys wouldn't know what that was all about, would you? Atom Cat: No, and I wouldn't know what happened to your marble collection, either. Bad News Boss: We're not giving any raises. Making It Worse Boss: But we think work is its own reward Making it MUCH Worse Boss: Expect to get rewarded about twice as much next year. Boss: Your performance this year was good, but you worked on tasks that aren't important. Therefore, you get a tiny raise. Shreeves: (angry) I worked on the tasks that YOU assigned. What's that say about YOUR performance? Boss: It's excellent. I get a bonus for keeping salaries low. Shreeves: Have you seen any literature on workplace violence? Boss: I want to assure you that any rumors you've heard are false. We are NOT planning to relocate the company to the South Pole where easily trainable native Eskimos will replace you. Wildcat: That's good, because there aren't any Eskimos at the South Pole. Boss: (eyes widen) Excuse me; I have to make a phone call. (A man walks up to Atom Cat) Man: My name is Juan Delegator. I bring you an assignment. Atom Cat: (takes the paper) This is YOUR assignment. You're trying to get me to do your work. Juan: Teamwork! Atom Cat: Well, I guess I could do you a favor. Juan: (holds out a pair of scissors) And I wouldn't say no to haircut. Juan: (to the boss) ....and this one also requires your decision before I can work on it. Do you have any more assignments for me that I can turn into work for you? Boss: No. Juan: And have you learned your lesson? Boss: Yes: Give all work to Aldonza. (Atom Cat is on the phone. Over the phone, there is a constant screeching) Atom Cat: YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP, MRS. FEENY! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! (pauses) HE DID WHAT!? (Atom Cat slams the phone down and turns to Ripley Jr.) Atom Cat: Just where in the world did you get eleven howler monkeys? (The phone rings again) Ripley Jr.: That would be the zoo. (Aldonza and Speedy are watching a movie on television. Aldonza is in tears, while Speedy is on the verge of losing it, as well. Kyile is leaning on the couch behind them, bored) Speedy: (to figure on TV) I understand your pain, pal. Aldonza: (sniffs) Do you? Speedy: I can imagine how it feels to be utterly rejected. Kyile: You and Aldonza don't have to imagine. (Several cats, Atom Cat included, are outside. Wildcat suddenly spins around and notices something) Wildcat: Hey, you guys, look sharp! Atom Cat: (staring at Wildcat's claws) Sure does. Wildcat: That's not what I meant! Boss: As part of our special campaign, we're going to hand out coffee cups with the phrase, "I made a difference". Shreeves: Could I have the cash equivalent of the cup instead? Boss: No. Shreeves: Could I have a cup that says "I didn't make a difference"? Boss: Have you taken the mandatory training for business ethics? Wildcat: No. But, if you SAY I did, then you'll save some money on training which you can spend to decorate your office. Boss: Fortunately, I haven't taken the training myself. Wildcat: I hear it's mostly common sense, anyway. Boss: (walking into Atom Cat's cubicle) Hey, that little stuffed doll on your computer looks just like me! Atom Cat: It gives me an emotional uplifting whenever I see your likeness nearby. Boss: (thinking) I never realized what he thought of me. Atom Cat: (thinking; smacks the doll off the computer) Stop dropping in like that! Aldonza: Wildcat, what are you doing? Wildcat: Unraveling what's left of your dental floss. Aldonza: I hate that. Wildcat: Ok. Tomorrow we'll do something you like. (Wildcat is chowing down on dinner. Atom Cat is staring at him) Atom Cat: You know, Wildcat, I wouldn't say you're fat, but---- Wildcat: (shoves the dinner plate in his mouth) Then don't. Ripley: (looking at Aldonza's alarm clock) Usually, I don't care too much for alarm clocks, but this one I like. Aldonza: Why? Ripley: (indicates his staff and the clock in turn) It's broken. ------- Aldonza: You had to do that, didn't you? Ripley: It just wouldn't be me. Kyile: You gotta be you. Wildcat: Shut up. ------- (Aldonza is sitting on the sofa, reading a magazine. Wildcat walks up to her) Wildcat: (swipes at her) I'm hungry. (Aldonza jumps clear out of her seat, then glares at Wildcat) Aldonza: Hey, that hurt! Wildcat: (wincing) You're telling me. I think I just broke a claw. Ash: We're out of food for you this week, Wildcat. How about dog food instead? Wildcat: **raspberry** Ash: Let me put it this way: it's either dog food or nothing. Wildcat: (bland) Arf. Ash: I'll get it. (Wildcat is sitting at the table, indicating his dinner with a total lack of interest) Atom Cat: (to audience) Hey, do you want to get a finicky cat to eat his cat food? Pretend you're going to take it away from him. (Atom Cat nudges the plate a little ways from Wildcat. Wildcat abruptly perks up, shreds Atom Cat, devours the food, and leaves. A few minutes later, A.C. picks himself off the floor.) Atom Cat: (groggily) It works every time. (Atom Cat is flipping through a dictionary, then stops at a certain page.) Atom Cat: (reading the entry) Just as I thought; October 15, 2001. "The world's longest Monday". Tv: Are you ready for the opera, Steven? (Wildcat changes the channel) Ripley: Why'd you do that? Wildcat: It wasn't insulting my intelligence anymore. (Wildcat is sitting at the table, his mouth full. Aldonza walks past him, then suddenly turns around) Aldonza: Alright, kid. Spit it out. (Wildcat spits out a goldfish. His mouth is still full.) Aldonza: C'mon; the rest of it! (Wildcat spits out a fishbowl directly on top of Aldonza's head, then walks away. The fish begins tapping a fin on the table impatiently.) Wildcat: (sighs) Poor Atom Cat....he's the kind of guy who'll give you the jacket off his back. (Atom Cat walks past. His jacket is decorated with smiley face badges) Wildcat: And there are no takers. Aldonza: (yawns) I'm tired. Ripley: I'm Ripley. You look like you're Aldonza, Tired. (Wildcat is sneaking up on Kyile, his claws out. Right before he can pounce....) Kyile: (bored) I have candy. (Wildcat's claws disappear, and a happy expression appears on his face) Aldonza: (looking at a cup of coffee that's Wildcat's size) That's a big cup of coffee! Wildcat: No, it's just right. (Wildcat holds up a doughnut of equal size, startling Aldonza) Wildcat: For this doughnut. (Shreeves and the vice-president of the company are talking to each other. Just then, the vp's cell phone rings) Vp: Continue your presentation while I take this phone call. (While the vp is talking....) Shreeves: Sure, go ahead and ignore me, you vice presidental pile of stinking monkey.... Vp: (on phone) Ok, bye. (The vp hangs up, cell phone still in hand, and turns to Shreeves) Shreeves: Dungarees are nice pants. Vp: Look how small my cell phone is. (Ripley Jr. is staring out the window) Ripley Jr.: A little more to the left.....now, a teensie-bit forward....a little to the right, and.... (There is a scream, and a double-thump) Aldonza's voice: HEY, WHO DUG THIS BURMESE TIGER PIT IN THE COURTYARD?! Wildcat: (in the Mansion; off-screen) HEY, JR.! (In the distance, we hear a wailing...) Ripley Jr.: I love sirens! ----- Ripley Jr.: (snickering) It's a good thing you can fly under your own power, Aldonza, or you'd be stuck there. Aldonza: (seething mad) Shut up. ----- Ripley: How do you see time? Do you see time as a series of interlocking events that have a meaning for ourselves and for society? Atom Cat: Actually, I see time as more of a magazine. Ripley: You know, these conversations you and I have....we really should have them less often. Atom Cat: Ask me about "life". -Clincher- Ash: You know what's tough? Ripley: Life. Ash: And what's life? Wildcat: A magazine. Ash: That's right. It costs two dollars, but I only have one. Pikachu: Pika-chu. <---That's tough.---> THAT'S WHAT Ripley: Hey, Wildcat. You know what? Wildcat: What? Ripley: That's what! (bursts out laughing) That's what! (Wildcat begins looking a tad miffed, and turns his back to Ripley. Ripley, meanwhile, keeps laughing) Ripley: (laughing) Get it? Hey, Wildcat. You know what? (Wildcat bites his lip and refuses to speak) Ripley: Hey, you know what? (chuckles a little) No, seriously, you know what? Wildcat: (yowls) WHAT? Ripley: That's what! (bursts out laughing again) Got you good, Wildcat. That's what! (continues laughing) That's what! (laughs some more) Wildcat: (spins around and hisses) Ripley, if you don't stop doing that annoying whatever-it-is-you're-doing, I'm going to blast Ash! (Ash blinks, surprised) Ripley: I don't believe you. Wildcat: (raises an eyebrow and chuckles) You don't? Ripley: No, I don't. (Wildcat begins revving up his Quad-Strike attack) Ash: (frantic) Believe him! Believe him----aah! (gets blasted) Ripley: I triple-dog-dare you to do that again. Ash: No-no-no-no-no-no, no you don't, no-no-no-no-no---(gets blasted again; coughs) Ripley: (begins getting into it) So, I guess, um....blowing up Ash makes you feel like Mr. Big Stuff? (Wildcat blasts Ash) Ripley: Is that your answer to everything? (Wildcat blasts Ash) Ripley: Nice weather we're having. (Wildcat blasts Ash) Ripley: Wildcat, um....can I make one little remark without you blowing Ash up? (Wildcat blasts Ash) Ash: (coughs) Whew, man....(coughs) Ripley: (hmphs a little bit) I guess not! Ash: (to Wildcat; angry) Hey, why don't you zap Ripley? (coughs) He started the whole thing! Ripley: Oh, he would, wouldn't you, Wildcat? Wouldn't you, Mr. Big Man? Well, he CAN'T, and you know why? Because I'm not made to explode! That's right, right? Wildcat: (shrugs; unsure) Right.... Ripley: Even if I was, if Wildcat tried to blast one hair on my head, he would get in big trouble with everyone else. Am I right, or am I right, or am I right, or am I right, or am I right, or am I right? Wildcat: (voice rumbles) Right.... Ripley: And you know what else? Wildcat: (yowls) What?! Ripley: Chicken-tail! (bursts out laughing) Oh, man.... (Wildcat raises his right fist, which begins glowing with energy, and brings Ripley up short) Ripley: Put that arm down....don't you....don't you, HEY, don't point at me there, buster! -------- Wildcat: Hey, Ripley, I got a question for you. Ripley: Fire away. Wildcat: Have you ever wondered what a Quad-Strike feels like? (Wildcat launches his Quad-Strike attack at Ripley and blows him out of the room, then initiates his Razor Blade attack and runs after him) Wildcat: (shouts) Well, now you know! Atom Cat: Good thing that adhesive worked. Ash: (coughs; to himself) Now I'm REALLY looking forward to having Brock pick me up.... Atom Cat: Get cleaned up, grab Pikachu, and meet me at Burger King. My treat as an apology. Ash: (coughs again) Sure. (walks away) ------- THE BIG Q Man: (puts an ergonomic keyboard on the table) This ergonomic keyboard is our first produced developed under the "Big Q" program. The "Q" stands for "Quality". Wildcat: Speaking of Q.....it's missing the letter Q. Man: (frowns) You sound just like our annoying customers. Wildcat: I guess the Q stands for "Uality". (The next day) Boss: Okay, so we shipped a million keyboards that don't have the letter Q. What do we do? Shreeves: We could offer free upgrades to users who can prove they need a Q. Boss: How many users need a Q? Shreeves: Well....there's the Royal Family..... (A day later) Wildcat: (to the boss; reading a newspaper) The pundits in the press are nailing us for shipping a keyboard with no Q. It's a public-relations fiasco. Obviously, we need an engineering solution. I'm on the case. (In a conference room) Wildcat: Users could use a graphics program to draw a Q in the unlikely event that they need one. Aldonza: Or we could replace the semi-colon; nobody uses them. (At a meeting the next day) Ripley: You could offer free replacements for all the keyboards you sold without a Q, or you could blame the media for blowing it out of proportion. Man: Let's blame the media. They'll admit they were wrong, and the whole thing will disappear. Ripley: You know, you have a brilliant grasp of human nature. Man: I know. My third wife once told me the same thing. (Later....) Ripley: You sold all those keyboards without the "Q", and the public wants someone to take responsibility. Boss: Pick me! Pick me! (Ripley picks the boss) Shreeves: Responsibility means blame. Boss: (to himself) Great....it's like the time I got burned on that opportunity assignment. (Cut to the next day. The boss is standing in front of a video camera. Ripley is talking to him.) Ripley: Stick to the script. Act sincere, and beg your costumers to forgive you. (Ripley leaves. Some time passes. The camera clicks on) Boss: It was wrong for us to sell keyboards without the letter Q. We're sorry. We're morons. (At the Mansion....) Boss: (on TV) We're dumber than squirrels. We hear voices and do what they command. I have broccoli in my socks. Aldonza: (grins) Good writing. Ripley: Thanks. THINKING YOU'RE HUMAN Kyile: (over E-mail) New policy: employees are not allowed to eat at their desks. (thinking) Because why? I need a semi-plausible reason. (over E-mail) Because I hate you. Kyile: Atom Cat, I'm sending you home. Shorts are not acceptable dress. (Atom Cat indicates his jeans, which are barely two inches above the tops of his hind paws) Atom Cat: THESE ARE NOT SHORTS! (Later, after Atom Cat leaves....) Kyile: (thinking; chuckles to himself) Tomorrow, I'll accuse him of leaving his brain to science. (Mordac walks into Wildcat's cubicle) Mordac: I am Mordac, the Preventer of Information Services! I'll take your computer and your little P.D.A. too! (holds up a broken cable) Do you recognize THIS? Wildcat: (upset) Hey, that's my network cable! What do you want from me? (Kyile's head appears above Wildcat's cubicle) Kyile: Mordac, it is I, Kyile, the evil director of human resources! (leaps out of hiding) YOU MADE MY PERSONAL PRINTER A SHARED DEVICE! (Kyile attacks Mordac, while Wildcat watches thoughtfully. Later....) Wildcat: Two wrongs made a right. Ripley: Welcome to my reality. Man: The ceiling in my work area collapsed. Kyile: No one else has complained. Man: (points at his head) A steel beam hit me in the head! Kyile: How can I be sure it didn't happen in your home? Man: There aren't any steel beams in my house!! Kyile: Maybe you removed them with your head. Man: (drowsily) Uh-oh...losing consciousness.... (The man collapses) Kyile: If you can hear me, don't worry. I'll write your suicide note. Kyile: I value the input of all employees, including the morons. Although in those cases, I cover my ears and sing loudly. Ash: So, I was thinking maybe..... Kyile: (covers his ears and begins singing) He's a pinball wizard.... (A man walks into Kyile's office with a lamp strapped to his back) Man: My boss treats me like furniture! Kyile: I'd help you, but it might set a dangerous precedent. Man: I need a new position. Kyile: Have you tried crouching? Kyile: (over e-mail) ....New policy on reimbursement for travel....do not tip more than 10 percent for meals. If the meal costs more than six dollars, bring back a fork. (chuckles) Kyile: Aldonza, you blame others for your low morale, BUT THE REAL PROBLEM IS YOUR SUPER-LONG TAIL! Aldonza: I don't think so. Kyile: Then how do you explain your oversized head? (At a meeting....) Kyile: I'm starting an employee skills database. Ash: Question: is this the first step in moving everyone to jobs they don't want? Kyile: No, no, no....the first step was when I laughed myself fuzzy thinking about it. Boss: I have to cut janitor expenses. Do you think I'll have any HR issues if I make employees empty their own trash? Kyile: We'll soften the bad news by simultaneously introducing a new employee fitness program... (A day or so later....) Janitor: (to employees) Okay, everybody....IT'S TIME TO TRASHERCISE! Aldonza: Does HR offer any treatment programs for people with dysfunctional Internet connections? Kyile: I recommend the "yarn therapy". You'll be wrapped in a huge ball of yarn and used as furniture in my office. Aldonza: (skeptical) Is this like the famous "ropes" course where I learn to solve problems as part of a team? Kyile: Exactly, except here you learn to be my couch. Kyile: I've come to give you employee orientation, Atom Cat. Atom Cat: Kyile, I've worked here for 3 years. Kyile: You still have a glimmer of hope. You'll have to watch this mandatory training video. (Later....) Video on TV: So, you still have hope.... Kyile: Relax. Let it go.... Kyile: According to my sources, you've been enjoying your job, Shreeves. Shreeves: It was temporary. I don't know what got into me. Kyile: Please refer to page one of the employee manual. Shreeves: (reading manual) "Job satisfaction is the same as stealing from the company." Kyile: I'll have to charge you for admission unless I start hearing some shrieks of pain. Kyile: Wildcat, it's time for your mandatory blood test. Wildcat: Get lost. I don't take drugs. Kyile: I'm testing to see if you're stealing time from the company. Wildcat: Time? You can't test for that. Kyile: We test your general health. If it's good, you're not working enough hours.....thief. Kyile: You need my approval for any outside jobs. Ash: Hmm....I have the usdden realization that you control my entire life....but you can't control what I think! (Switch to Kyile's p-o-v. He is reading off a paper that says, "Employee will say, 'You can't control what I think!'") (Meeting) Kyile: We increased the complexity of your paycheck. NOW YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHEN WE RIP YOU OFF! YEEHA! YEEHA! (Later....) Wildcat: The only part that really bugs me is the yeehas. Kyile: I mapped your genome, Atom Cat. Atom Cat: I didn't know the human resources department had that technology. Kyile: I used a pencil. Your genes predict that you will be a bitter, lazy, silver tabby cat with a bad temper and poor vision. You'll hate cubicles, measurable objectives, and maniacs who map your genome. Atom Cat: That is a violation of my right to privacy! I'll fight it all the way to the Supreme Court! Kyile: No, according to my map, you'll lose interest and fall asleep. (Atom Cat falls asleep, and Kyile walks away) Kyile: I wonder if this technology will ever fall into the wrong hands. Kyile: Your personal use of the Internet is like stealing from the company! Shreeves: You work in human resources; that's like stealing from the company, too. Maybe we should form a gang. Kyile: I fired everyone who used the Internet for personal stuff. The only wrinkle in that policy is that you and I are the only employees left. And, frankly, I use the Web for personal stuff, too. Boss: Can you teach me how? Boss: What's the most evil way to use our database of customer information? Should we sell our mailing lists, spam without mercy, or just blackmail customers? Kyile: Um....do you have ME in that database? Boss: We know all about your sanity problems. Kyile: There will be no more casual dress days. We believe that employees work harder when they are in uncomfortable attire. (That day, Atom Cat is in a medieval knight's suit of armor, while Shreeves is in an astronaut's spacesuit) Atom Cat: I feel all motivated, but I can't move my arms. THE IDIOT DOCTRINE (Atom Cat walks into the vet's office) Atom Cat: Ripley shoved a roll of film down my throat. Doctor: Don't worry about it. Nothing serious will develop. Doctor: Have your eyes ever been checked? Aldonza: No. They've always been green. Atom Cat: Would I be able to sleep in my contact lenses? Doctor: No. Your paws would still stick out. --------------- Wildcat: I didn't know you wore contact lenses. Atom Cat: Glad you came in. I'm having trouble finding them. Could you help me look? Wildcat: Hmm...that explains the double "crunch" I heard when I walked in the door. Atom Cat: (growls) As soon as I get new lenses, Wildcat..... Wildcat: (retreating) Sorry! It was an honest mistake! --------------- Doctor: Ouch! Aldonza: (to Wildcat) Kid, please say "ah" so the doctor can take his finger out of your mouth. (Aldonza walks in, coughing) Aldonza: Doc, I think I swallowed a bone. Doctor: Are you choking? Aldonza: (irritated) No, I'm serious. (Aldonza walks in from the doctor's office) Ash: Aldonza, why'd you have to go over there? Aldonza: (points to her paw) Because a stitch in time saves canine. ------ Ripley: Ouch. That hurt. Wildcat: That's what happens when you squeeze your hands with your claws already out. ------ (Ripley and Kyile send several cats over to Wildcat, who is working on something) Cat #1: I think I have 59 seconds to live. Wildcat: Hang on; I'll be with you in a minute. ------- The cats stare at him. Wildcat: Just kidding! (shouts) Hey, Aldonza, get over here! ------- Aldonza: I have a weak back. Nurse: When did you notice it? Aldonza: About a week back. Ash: I feel like an electric wire. Pikachu: Pika-pika. <----How shocking.----> Atom Cat: How long can a person live without a brain? Doctor: How old are you? Atom Cat: Wildcat, I'm serious; the doctor ordered you to exercise with some dumbbells. Wildcat: Okay; I'm ready whenever you and Ripley are. Aldonza: Hey, nurse. Could you bring me a hot water bottle? My toes are as cold as ice. Nurse: (insulted) You're asking the wrong nurse. I happen to be the head nurse. Aldonza: Okay----would you send in the foot nurse, then? Wildcat: Could I have a glass of water? Vet: Again? This would be your tenth. Wildcat: I know. The building's on fire. (Pikachu is asleep at the vet's office. The vet wakes him up) Vet: It's a good thing I woke you up. I forgot to give you your sleeping pills. ------- (Pikachu shocks the vet) ------- (Wildcat leaves the vet's, looking thinner than usual) Kyile: One would normally expected even YOU to eat hospital food, you know. Wildcat: I couldn't. The food was so bad, that the flies only ate it when they wanted to commit suicide. Aldonza: Just so you know, there's an Invisible Man in here with me. Vet: Tell him I can't see him. I only deal with animals. Vet: Do your friends suffer from insanity? Wildcat: Actually, they kind of enjoy it. Vet: I think you're suffering from a split personality. Atom Cat: No, we're not. GETTING THE ARACHNIDS OUT (Five spiders, all in a row, drop down from the ceiling near Wildcat. Wildcat holds up the thread on the spider on the far right, then lets go. The right-most spider hits the spider next to it, forcing the left-most spider into the air.) (A centipede walks up to Aldonza, startling her) Aldonza: Wait a second....you're not a spider. Centipede: Very perceptive, brick brain. For your information, I happen to be a centipede, a flat anthropod of the class Chilopoda, with numerous body segments and legs. Now you can write in your diary that you actually learned something new today, you oaf! (A few minutes pass. Aldonza is writing something in her diary. The smashed centipede is on the back of it) Aldonza: "Dear Diary...." (A flea walks up to Atom Cat) Flea: Good day, sir. My name if Frank Flea, and I'm a recent college graduate in search of an entry-level parasite position. I assure you you'd find me a dedicated employee, a hard worker, and a team player! I may be new to the field, but I come from a long line of successful blood suckers and feel prepared to carry on that fine tradition! Atom Cat: Sounds impressive, Frank, but I'm currently not accepting applications. Try the electric mouse in the next room. I believe his right hindquarter has a vacant spot. Flea: Really? (Later, Wildcat walks up to Atom Cat, who's holding a little white speck between his fingers) Wildcat: What's that? Atom Cat: A tiny re'sume'. (Wildcat runs up to a running spider, steps on it, then runs away) Spider: What's the point of having all these legs if I can't outrun anybody? (A bedraggled spider walks up to a normal spider) Spider #1: Dwayne, look at you! What happened? ***SMASH*** (Ripley appears, holding a rolled-up newspaper) Spider #2: That. Spider: I have 342 kids...all teenagers. (Aldonza smashes it) Spider: Thank you. Aldonza: Any time. (A spider walks up to Kyile. The spider has a little hat on his head, and is carrying a stick with a bag hanging from it) Kyile: A hobo spider....now I've seen everything. Spider: Buddy, can you spare a fly? Kyile: Now I've HEARD everything, too. (A spider is standing next to a huge mallet in front of Wildcat) Spider: My, my, my...that's a big hammer. You must be a construction worker. Salt of the earth, that's what. Wildcat: Now for the ironic twist. (A spider flattens itself against the table. Ash walks by, and looks at it) Ash: Funny. I don't remember swatting a spider. (As soon as Ash turns his back, the spider makes a break for it.) WORKIN' IT, Part One (Meeting) Boss: We need a new nickname for our group. Shreeves: Can it be something scatological? Boss: I...don't think so. (Aldonza starts becoming angry) Atom Cat: Could it be something that involves monkeys? Boss: No. Shreeves: Ooh! Could it be something that's BOTH scatological AND involves monkeys? (Later, the meetings ends. Everyone walks out. Aldonza is still angry) Atom Cat: It's hard to be optimistic while he's so grumpy. Wildcat: Hey, Ash, the boss sent his first E-mail message! (Ash walks up to him) Wildcat: And you said he wasn't smart enough to figure out how to use E-mail! Ash: What's his message? Wildcat: (reading the E-mail) "I forgot my watch. Does anybody know what time it is?" Ash: Time to change jobs. (Shreeves is looking at something in the boss's office) Shreeves: Here's your problem. The connection to the network is broken.....uh-oh. It's a "token ring" lan. That means the token fell out and it's in this room someplace. (Cut to outside a few seconds later. The boss can be seen looking under the desk for the token) Wildcat: You're the wind beneath my wings. Shreeves: I'll wait a week then tell him the token must be in the "ethernet." Boss: I've got an idea! Atom Cat and Aldonza: (thinking) We're doomed. Boss: Why can't we run our inventory database over our E-mail system? Atom Cat: (thinking) Fact: That is the stupidest idea in the universe. Aldonza: (thinking) Fact: His comprehension is so limited that debate is futile. Atom Cat and Aldonza: (thinking) Fact: We could spend hours unsuccessfully explaining why it's a stupid idea. Fact: He would never know if we used his idea or not. Atom Cat: No problem. Aldonza: We'll get right on it. Boss: (walking out; thinking) My work here is done. (After he leaves....) Aldonza: Stupidity is like nuclear power; it can be used for good or evil. Atom Cat: And you don't want to get any on you. Boss: Go home, Wildcat. Relax! You're working too hard! Wildcat: You told me to finish this by tomorrow. You said it's urgent. Boss: Relax! Go home! Shoo! (Suddenly, Wildcat is zapped into the Boss Zone, where time and logic do not apply.) Wildcat: How can I relax AND do urgent work at the same time? Boss: Work smarter, not harder. Wildcat: (groans) (Mercifully, the master of cynicism appears.) Ripley: Slap something together in the morning. He won't look at it anyway. (The inspirational moral....) Wildcat: Freedom's just another word for not caring about the quality of your work. (Meeting) Boss: Before I eat a sandwich, I always remove the useless edges of the bread. This tells you what kind of manager I am. Ash: You're the anti-crust? Boss: How long will it take to fix any problems we find in our Beta product? Shreeves: It is logically impossible to schedule for the unknown. Boss: Try to think as a manager, not as an engineer. Shreeves: In that case, we'll fix the problems before we find them. How decisions are made Boss: 1-2-3.....(throws his hands on the table)....Rock! Scissors!.... (Later....) Boss: Your project is approved...unless scissors CAN'T cut rock. Aldonza: Assume it's sheet rock. (Meeting) Boss: We've implemented an "employee of the month" award. The winner gets to park in a special space right behind the area reserved for managers! Wildcat: That's like saying the very best employee isn't as good as the worst manager. Boss: No. You're just as good but....uh....less important. Atom Cat: Personally, I'm feeling all charged up about this program. I'm going to work night and day to increase my chances for better parking! (Everyone in the room, except the boss, laughs) Shreeves: Hold on. Don't you normally just run to work? Boss: (thinking) We're off to a rocky start. (Meeting) Wildcat: I've been asked to summarize my project into three bullet points. I had to invent some new words. (Three words, "Splurby," "Noobah", and "Pizkwat", appear on the overhead screen) Wildcat: Believe me, you don't want to be any of those. Aldonza: I scheduled a meeting with your boss. He'll probably ask me to speak frankly about any problems in the department. Boss: (thinking) This couldn't get any worse. Aldonza: He's cute. I might ask him out. (Next day....) Boss: Um....how was your meeting with my boss? Aldonza: We each told our favorite stories about you, then we laughed and laughed. Boss: He has stories about me? Aldonza: He thought they were urban legends. (That night....) VP: Aldonza, maybe we shouldn't date. I'm a VP and you're an engineer in my division. Aldonza: Sheesh. Get over yourself. I'm just using you to drive my boss crazy. VP: Your indifference no longer matters to me! I will make you mine! Aldonza: (thinking; sarcastic) VPs..... (The next day) VP: I brought you a bouquet, Aldonza. Aldonza: (looks at it) That's a bunch of pencils, not a flower bouquet. VP: Really? May I use your phone? I need to fire my secretary. Aldonza: Lulu, you've stalled my project for long enough. I want your input.....NOW!! (At lunch) Aldonza: I found out my jaw unhinges when I'm mad. Ash: (stares at his lunch) You're frightening my sandwich. Wildcat: This plan is impractical. Boss: My philosophy is that if it isn't hard, it isn't worth doing. Wildcat: That's easy to say. So, according to your philosophy, you shouldn't have said it. And it's easy to walk around. Maybe you should hop on one foot. Or, would it be better to recant your absurd philosophy, and bow before my superior reasoning capabilities? (A few minutes later, the boss is seen hopping on one foot in the main hallway.) -Clincher- (Meeting) Boss: This certificate for best employee goes to Atim Cat. Atom Cat: That's "Atom Cat", not "Atim Cat". Boss: (writes something on the certificate) "I" becomes an "o" with a dot over it. Anyways, this is for your good work on Project Beta. Atom Cat: Thanks, but I didn't work on Project Beta. Boss: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT, YOU LAZY IMPOSTER! (Atom Cat runs out. Several employees are a bit frazzled.) Boss: (thinking) Maybe I can still pull this out. (writes something on the certificate, and turns to Aldonza) I give you your Indian name: "Atomcatina." RSN Boss: Here's the press relase about our bid to buy "RSN" for fifty billion dollars. Wildcat: ? Boss: RSN is the Hollywood studio that provides static to all the channels that would otherwise be blank. (That night, Wildcat walks up to Ripley. As an addition to his usual attire, he's wearing sunglasses) Wildcat: The "Ripley Static Network"?!! Ripley: Talk to me, babe. Wildcat: You can't copyright the static on blank television channels! Ripley: I already did. Wildcat: You can't let my company pay fifty billion dollars to buy your so-called film library! Ripley: I already am. Wildcat: (angry) I may have to blow the whistle on this little deal. Ripley: It'll have to be a nose whistle. I copyrighted everything else. (A few days later....) Blackie: Bad news, boss. Our arch-rivals are out-bidding us for control of RSN. Apparently, they have even less creative investment ideas than we do. Boss: Quick! Give more money to our consultants!! Blackie: They're spending as fast as they can, sir!! (Later that day....) CEO: We'll give you sixty billion for the Ripley Static Network. Half of that will be stock in our company. Ripley: Who would want stock in a company that would pay sixty billion for static? CEO: Not us. That's the point. Ripley: I'd like it all in mercury dimes. (The next day...) Boss: From now on, you'll be working full time on our takeover of RSN. You must also identify any unnecessary jobs that can be cut after the takeover. Shreeves: (realizes) That would be the people who worked on the takeover. Boss: Ooh, I broadcasted that move. (The next day....) Ripley: I plan to use my new wealth to build an amusement park. Ripleyland will have thrilling rides like "the wedgie", and I'll have a maze in front of the restrooms. Ash: The customers will hate this. Ripley: (upset) If THEY want fun, they can build their own park. SCHOOL DAYS (Aldonza and Wildcat are sitting outside, fishing) Aldonza: Fishing is the most boring sport in the world. We've been sitting here for twenty minutes, and not one thing has happened! (Wildcat waits a few minutes, then pushes Aldonza into the water) Aldonza: Mom, was I adopted? Blackie: No. Why do you ask? Aldonza: Are you planning to put me to work in a cannery for 14 hours a day when I turn seven? Blackie: Of course not! Aldonza: You're not just fattening me up, are you? Blackie: Aldonza, just who put these ridiculous ideas into your head, anyway? (A few minutes later....) Aldonza: That's right. "Ridiculous ideas" she called them. Wildcat: Oh, sure. You think your mom's going to tell YOU? (Aldonza is standing near a flower with a watering can) Aldonza: So, you want some water, huh? Well, I've got a big can of it right here. It's up to ME to decide if you get water or not! I control your fate! Your very live is in my paws! Without ME you're as good as dead! Without ME, you don't.... (Abruptly, it starts raining.) Aldonza: (howls) I STAND FIRM IN MY BELIEF OF WHAT'S RIGHT! I REFUSE TO COMPROMISE MY PRINCIPLES! (Aldonza sees Blackie rushing towards her, and she dashes off towards the towel closet) Aldonza: I don't NEED to compromise my principles, because they don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to be anyway. Aldonza: Look at these TV commercials. Each one is a jumble of lightning quick, unrelated images, and film techniques. It duplicates the effect of rapidly flipping through channels. It's a barrage of non-linear free association. Wildcat: I guess they're admitting that a 15-second commercial exceeds the Amercian attention span by a good 14 seconds. Aldonza: Huh? Are you still talking about that? Aldonza: Here's another commercial with attitude. This guy doesn't like being around people and doing what they say, so he climbs rocks! He looks at life and takes it on his own terms! Wildcat: In that case, I wonder how he affords those athletic shoes he's advertising. Aldonza: (shrugs) Maybe his mom bought them for him. Wildcat: I hope she'll pay his medical bills when he falls off that rock. Aldonza: Nothing I do is my fault. Wildcat: Oh? Aldonza: My family's dysfunctional, and my parents won't empower me! My behavior is addictive functioning in a disease process of toxic codependency! I need holistic healing and wellness before I'll accept any responsibility for my actions. Wildcat: One of us needs to stick his head in a bucket of ice water. Aldonza: I love the culture of victimhood. -Clincher- (Aldonza is standing in front of the television with a bowl of vanilla pudding in one paw) Aldonza: Oh greatest of the mass media, thank you for elevating emotion, reducing thought, and stifling imagination. Thank you for the artificiality of quick solutions and for the insidious manipulation of canine desires for commercial purposes. (sets the pudding down) This bowl of vanilla pudding represents my brain. I offer it in humble sacrifice. Bestow thy flickering light forever. (That night, Blackie comes downstairs and sees that the television is on, with the bowl of pudding in front of it.) -------- (Blackie, Aldonza, and Wildcat walk out of a room adjoining the hallway. They are now at full size.) Aldonza: (wipes her brow) I'm glad THAT'S over. It's been a while since I've talked that much. Wildcat: (laughs) Aldonza: (snarls) What's so funny? Wildcat: (breaks out of his laughing fit and hisses) You kept me up until 2:00 last night chatting with your friends in Italy and Singapore online. (Aldonza looks at the glares of both Wildcat and Blackie) Aldonza: (chuckles nervously) Oops. --------- LIFE WITH RIPLEY What Ripley says Ripley: Don't disturb me unless the place is on fire. What Kyile hears Ripley: I am your servant. My specialty is killing spiders. What the spiders hear Ripley: The house is full of wounded flies. Kyile: I'm writing a business book called "Change Happens. Get Over It." Ripley: The title says it all. Kyile: Yeah, but it needs filler. Ripley Jr.: How about a parable? Kyile: Good idea. (Typing) -----Two bulls were talking. One bull says, "I'm afraid of change." The other bull says, "Get over it." Later that day they were both ground into hamburgers and served at a picnic.----- Kyile: (stops typing) The hard part will be finding someone to write the foreword. Minion: Computers aren't for everyone. I love my trusty manual typewriter. (The minion begins typing, but eventually makes a mistake in his typing) Minion: I hope I can correct that before this place freezes over. (At the workplace, Wildcat gets a call. He picks up the phone and answers it. Meanwhile, elsewhere....) Ripley Jr.: You know, I've been watching you the whole time you're there, and I don't think you're working hard enough. (There is a pause as R Jr. listens) Ripley Jr.: Well, it's wasn't MUCH of a fire wall. I'm using your mail server to spam my Hockey club. (Kyile is sitting at a table with a deck of cards in his hand) Kyile: (thinking) I can't remember the rules for solitaire. I'll just put the cards in random piles and then declare myself the winner. (Kyile does so) Kyile: That was surprisingly satisfying. (A minion walks up to Ripley) Minion: Will you sign my petition? Ripley: What's it for, Steve? Minion: I didn't have any complaints, so it just says "d-uhh." Ripley: (takes the petition and signs it) Democracy is a wonderful thing. Kyile: I came here to use visualization to achieve my goals. You can get anything you want by visualizing it. Ripley Jr.: Wow! I've got to try that. Kyile: (visualizing) I'm the ruler of the Underworld. Ripley Jr.: (visualizing) You're a big slice of cheese. Ripley Jr.: I bought a gun that shoots ping-pong balls! (Ripley turns around, and Jr. shoots a ping-pong ball off his head. Jr. then leaves) Ripley Jr.: I love games that involve the whole family. (The telephone rings, and Kyile answers it) Phone: Hello! This is a long-distance phone company with vague promises of unverifiable savings if you switch to us. Is this an inconvenient time for you? Kyile: No. Phone: Oh. We'll call back later. BAD RUMORS WITH GOOD HUMOR, Part Two Ripley: I have a solution for your dating dilemma. At your age, there are more single men than single women. Worse yet, all of the single women are dating married men or serial Kyiles, but the statistics eventually favor men. Atom Cat: Really? How? Ripley: At age 80, there are THREE TIMES as many available women as men because men die younger. Atom Cat: (annoyed) Are you saying I should wait until I'm old....and date 80-year-old women? Ripley: No. I wouldn't wait.... (Ash sets a bowl with a goldfish inside it near his bed, then leaves. Pikachu is napping when he comes in, but opens one eye when he sets down the goldfish) Ash: (to himself) I hope Pikachu doesn't get jealous of the goldfish Aldonza gave me.... (Five minutes after Ash leaves the room, we hear an electronic sizzle. A few hours later, Pikachu runs out of the room with a mortified expression on his face, and confronts Ash and Aldonza. The rodent chatters for a few seconds) Aldonza: He said, "Have you noticed that Goldie was looking a bit depressed?" (Pikachu tries to explain what happened, with Aldonza translating) Ash: (to Pikachu; angry) You expect me to believe that the goldfish ZAPPED HIMSELF by jumping near the electrical outlet? (Pikachu chatters some more) Aldonza: "Surely, you don't believe that I ended his ugly, stupid fish life in a fit of pet rivalry...." (Ash glances at a note. The note has unintelligible scribbles that appear to be Pikachu's best attempt at writing) Ash: (angry) Explain how a fish can write a suicide note. Pikachu: (sad) Pika-pika, pika-chu.... Aldonza: "I've heard they have schools...." (Aldonza scoops the rodent into her hands and carries him away. A few minutes later, Pikachu is hooked up to a lie detector) Aldonza: This lie detector will determine if you zapped the goldfish I bought Ash. Name? Pikachu: <---Abe Lincoln.---> Aldonza: Occupation? Pikachu: <---President.---> Aldonza: Did you kill the fish? Pikachu: <---No.---> (A few seconds pass. Aldonza is scanning the readout from the lie detector) Pikachu: <---Lie detectors never make mistakes, do they?---> Aldonza: (nervously) Um....no, Mister President. (In an office, Kyile is sitting in front of a man dressed like a cowboy) Man: I was skeptical about hiring you as our new square-dance caller, but your resume' is impressive. I didn't even know you could win a Pulitzer Prize for square-dance calling. (scans the resume') Wow! And you're already in the Alberdeen Hall of Dung! (Later, at a square-dance....) Kyile: Swing your partner, dosey-do, now clap your hands....(thinking) Uh-oh. That's all the square dance moves I know. I'll bluff the rest. (There is a slight pause.) Kyile: Slap your partner in the face, write bed checks all over the place, flirt with strangers, annoy your spouse, get a divorce and lose your house....uh....dosey-do. (Ripley walks in, chuckling) Aldonza: Stop that, Ripley! You're making that snickering sound so I'll think you've played some hideous prank! Ripley: (starts laughing) Hoo-ha-ha! Hoo-ha-ha-ha-ha! Aldonza: (shudders; thinking) Oh no....not the maniacal laugh.... (A few minutes later...) Aldonza: I know you're only trying to make me think you've played a prank on me! Well, TWO can play this game! (Seconds later, both of them have their backs turned to each other, uttering the maniacal laugh. Pikachu walks in) Pikachu: Pi....Pika-pi-chu? <---Um....is this a bad time to visit?---> Television: At the top of the news: solar flares. CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer is on the scene. (voice changes) It's another hot day on the sun, Bernie. Wildcat: (thinking) Show-offs. (At the office....) Aldonza: Everyone in the office gets a turn holding the pup I adopted recently. Shreeves: Next. (Wildcat takes the pup. A second later....) Wildcat: (thinking) Uh-oh...sneeze coming.... (Wildcat sneezes. After a minute, everyone's faces turn towards the pup. Aldonza's expression is that of horror) Wildcat: Hey, look what he does when you sneeze on him. Shreeves: He looks like a prune! (Wildcat is making a canvas painting. After a while, he finishes and turns to Ripley) Wildcat: Tell me what you think. Don't spare the details. Ripley: It's a hideous compost of random colors. It seems both hackneyed and poorly executed. It's an embarassing proof of your utter lack of talent. (Wildcat starts becoming angry) Ripley: As for you personally, spend some time on a "Stairmaster". Wildcat: (hisses) Stick to the art, please. (Meeting. The boss is sitting next to a man with long, scraggly hair and a thick beard) Boss: This is Rasputin, our new consultant. He stopped my paper cut from bleeding. He has charisma. Aldonza: I'd like a demonstration. (Rasputin turns to a co-worker and glares at him) Co-worker: Ack...can't...breathe... (The man falls over) Boss: That's called the Evil Eye process. (to Rasputin) Now, do Atom Cat. (Rasputin glares at Atom Cat) Rasputin: Ack...can't...breathe... (Rasputin falls over) Atom Cat: He never had a chance. Wildcat: Your anti-charisma is strong today. Shreeves: I was so motivated by your pep talk yesterday that I came to work ten minutes early. Boss: Shreeves, we start at eight, not at nine. Shreeves: That's going to cost you ten minutes. Boss: A good manager hires people who are smarter than he is. Wildcat: So...your boss is dumber than you? Aldonza: And your boss's boss is dumber yet? Shreeves: According to your theory, our CEO is the dumbest person in the company. Wildcat: Unless all of you are bad managers. Ash: Truly we are doomed either way. Boss: This concludes the motivational part of the meeting. Wildcat: I'd give you a high five, but I don't like to move. Ripley: Work is for losers. A winner says, "That's on my list" and never commits to a deadline. Atom Cat: Wouldn't people respect me less? Ripley: I don't see how. (Meeting) Boss: Shreeves, what's the status of our vital records protection plan? Shreeves: (thinks) Think fast. (out loud) I...uh...did extensive interviews with key stakeholders. Then I...uh...formed a plan...now all the records are digitized and stored with 512 bit encryption....at the center of the earth...on natural magnets. Boss: I meant you should read the project team's status report. Shreeves: (reads the report) They claim to have a plan. Liars. (Performance review) Boss: Lastly, what have you done to improve the morale of your co-workers? Aldonza: I didn't give them the beatings they so richly deserved. Boss: I'll shorten that to "team player". Boss: (thinking) Sometimes a manager must deliver bad news. Fortunately, I enjoy it. (to Wildcat) Our sales force failed to meet their goals, so I have to fire an engineer to reduce expenses. Wildcat: You should fire the incompetent sales people! (becomes angry) It's immoral to punish innocent engineers for the wrongs of sales people! I will fight this all the way! Boss: I'm firing Atom Cat, not you. Wildcat: (calmly) Fair enough. Can you wait until I burrow his hole puncher? Aldonza: Am I fired? Boss: Of course not, Aldonza. I enjoy E-mailed jokes as much as anyone. I'm still laughing about your "Top Ten Signs That Your Boss Is A Hairless Rodent". I asked you here to discuss the reclassification of your job. Starting today, the job requires a PH.D. Feel free to apply for your own job. Aldonza: (wipes her forehead) Whew! Fortunately, I have a PH.D. Boss: You do? Well, the job also requires an Olympic gold medal. Aldonza: (pulls a medal out of her fur) Synchronized swimming, 1992. Boss: And a post-humous congressional medal of honor. Aldonza: I'm learning how to golf. Now I won't be excluded from all the male-dominated golf events. (Later.....) Atom Cat: Have you been dominating golf events? Shreeves: Sometimes, I can make them miss putts on TV. Wildcat: (to boss) You should put an "E-" in front of your title. It's too boring just being the Director of Information, Operations and Technology. (Later....) Boss: From now on, call me the E-Diot. Carol: If only there were an easy way to remember that. Man: Wildcat, my man, you're stayin' real and keepin' to the core. Wildcat: Is that good? Man: I don't even know what it means. Wildcat: Why do you say things that have no meaning? Man: DU-U-U-DE! Ash: Lying around all day....must be nice! (Wildcat doesn't respond) Ash: (angry) I said, MUST BE NICE! Wildcat: Do you hear me arguing? Aldonza: (points at one spot on the floor) Yesterday you were here....(points to Wildcat)....and today you're here! (yells) WE HAVE MOVEMENT! Wildcat: I wonder if "Marmaduke" could use a cat? (Atom Cat is trying to sleep. Outside, an owl is hooting constantly) Atom Cat: Stupid owl.... (Atom Cat gets up, takes his alarm clock, and chucks it at the owl) **KONK** (Atom Cat returns, satisfied. A few seconds later, however....) Owl: OW! Aldonza: You know, some people enjoy dressing up their friends in funny outfits. (Pikachu's cheek pads begin sparking with electricity) Pikachu: <--Believe me, you wouldn't enjoy it.--> (A woman walks up to Atom Cat and Ripley on the street) Woman: Remember me? Atom Cat: Uh... Woman: We went on a date once. Atom Cat: We did? Woman: I ran screaming from the room. Ripley: You'll have to be more specific. (Ash and Pikachu walk back indoors. Wildcat is half-asleep on the couch.) Ash: (scoffs) I enjoyed some training before breakfast. What did YOU do? Wildcat: (purrs) I enjoyed your breakfast. Aldonza: Breathing? Wildcat: (gives a thumbs-up) Aldonza: (walks away) Just checking. Wildcat: Appreciate it. Kyile: (to himself) I hate to admit it, but I kinda miss Ash. I miss the laughter...the kindness.... ***THUMP*** ***THUMP*** ***THUMP*** Kyile: Maybe I should let him out of the closet. **CLINCHER** (Wildcat is flipping through television channels) TV: Get rich through real estate! **click** TV: ...and now we'll paint a happy little deer by our little brook. **click** TV: Burn fat! Add muscle! **click** TV: Just rub on and watch those wrinkles melt away! **click** TV: It slices! It dices! (Wildcat switches off the TV and walks away. A few minutes later....) Aldonza: Hi, kid. Whatcha been doing? Wildcat: Oh, just dabbling, doodling, pumping, primping, slicing, dicing..... TV SCREENED **slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap** TV: "Ninja Sissies" will return in a moment. Wildcat: (looks around angrily) Where's the remote? TV: First we caress the meal with our eyes, then we allow the scent to permeate the room....then we shove our face in the plate and inhale! (Chomping noises are heard) Aldonza: (grins) I knew she'd crack. (Atom Cat walks in with a VCR) Atom Cat: Hey, somebody, help me hook up my new VCR. (Later...) Atom Cat: (hands Aldonza the manual) You read the instructions, and I'll connect the cables. (Atom Cat gets behind the television) Aldonza: "Connect the 300 ohm twin-lead flat cable to the 75 ohm RF2 jack." Atom Cat: ? Aldonza: "Or use the optional 75 ohm coaxial cable with the F-type connector." Atom Cat: (thinking nervously) Blast it, I'm an electrical engineer and I don't understand any of this. I'll have to lie to the other engineers and say I don't WANT to record TV shows. Aldonza: "Now, get declawed, cover yourself in motor oil, and scamper through town yelling 'walla-walla-walla.'" Atom Cat: (angrily) Let me see that. Aldonza: (holding in a laugh) "Step Six: Do not doubt the nice fox." Ripley Jr.: How do we know that the news isn't faked in Hollywood? Why is there exactly thirty minutes of world news every night? And why don't major stories ever happen on weekends? (points at the TV) And I'm sure I see a string attached to the space shuttle. Wildcat: Worse yet, it's a re-run. TV: Well, pardner, that was the last bean. TV: Yep, looks like we're have to eat the cat. (Wildcat perks up in surprise) TV: I'll get the taco shells. Wildcat: (mutters) Boy, are THEY going to get a nasty letter. (Aldonza walks into the Mansion with a green-shaded cat) Aldonza: Guys, this is my new co-worker, John Smith. John: Yo. Others: Yo. Aldonza: I invited him over to watch TV; he doesn't have cable yet. (Later, in the living room, Ripley, Aldonza, and John are watching TV) TV: Next on "America's Most Wanted"....this cat gave a razing to an entire town, one citizen at a time. (displays an image of John) The victims were razed in their own homes, usually while watching this show. John: Hey, Aldonza, could you adjust the picture? Aldonza: (shrugs) Sure. (Aldonza gets up to adjust the TV screen) Aldonza: They don't even explain what a razing is-----***YOWCH!!!*** (Aldonza spins around angrily. Ripley is still sitting on the couch, laughing to himself, but John is nowhere to be found; the only clue to his disappearance is the open door. Aldonza's back has been shredded) Aldonza: (angrily) This is exactly why I don't invite people over more often. Ripley: I'm going to host my own television show. It's called "Ripley's World of Amazingly Ignorant People." Of course, I'll film you guys in shadows and alter your voice electronically. Ash: (sarcastic) That's very considerate. (Some time later, after the series has started....) Ripley: On this episode of Ripley's World of Amazingly Ignorant People, we ask people to find Australia on the globe. (Two people are pointing at a globe) Woman: Is that the place with the Alps or the kangaroos? Man: I think it's in London. Ripley: When we return: inspiration becomes bitter disappointment. Woman: (points at globe) Hey! Who says it has to be on the OUTSIDE? TV: ....and that's the CNN weather report. (voice changes) Hey! Don't just sit there watching TV all day! Give me thirty stomach crunches! One....two.... Atom Cat: (doing the crunches; thinking) It's been nothing but mixed messages since Ted married Jane. TV Anchorman: A Pokemon trainer reports that love made a rodent stupid. The trainer cautioned the media not to draw conclusions based on one rat. (We see an article of "Time" magazine with a love-struck Pikachu on the front. The caption reads: "Love and S.A.T. scores") ----------- Aldonza: I can't believe you got up the nerve to do THAT. Pikachu: <---I'm in a land full of idiots, and I'm only doing what they tell me.---> Aldonza: Like Ash, for instance? Pikachu: (thinks for a moment) <---Depends on how you look at it.---> ------------ TV: Gigantic circles continue to appear in British wheat fields. Experts believe the circles are a message from aliens..... (Later....) Wildcat: Was there anything else in that report? Atom Cat: Yeah. They believe the message the aliens sent was, "Surrender or the wheat dies." (Atom Cat is sitting in a chair with the remote in one paw) **click click click** Atom Cat: (as the remote clicks; thinking) Uh-oh. I'm paralyzed by the television. I'm uninterested in the shows, yet I can't stop clicking through all the channels. (yowls) SOMEONE HELP ME! (The scream wakes up Pikachu, who dashes into the room) Atom Cat: (yowls) DO SOMETHING! KNOCK THE REMOTE OUT OF MY HAND! (Pikachu thinks for a moment, makes up his mind, and launches himself at Atom Cat's paw, knocking the remote control out of it) Atom Cat: (gets up and leaves) I'M FREE! I'M FREE! (Cut back to the television; we hear more clicking. Pikachu is constantly tapping the remote's buttons with his tail) TV: Welcome to "Ed, the Wonder Ca-..." ****CLICK**** TV: ....The Adventures of "Lothar: Mouse Warrior"! Ash: (glares at Pikachu, who has one paw on a remote) I hope the batteries in that remote wear down soon. Remote control: Click. TV: "Click" yourself! (Later....) Kyile: How was TV tonight? Wildcat: Touchy. (Wildcat's sitting in front of the TV) TV: Hmph! Look at you, you lazy lump! Get up! Do some work! Get some exercise! Go to the library! Read a book! (Wildcat doesn't move) TV: You're still there, aren't you? Wildcat: Yes. TV: Gooood. I have trained you well. (Wildcat moves over to the couch and sits down, and switches on the television with the remote) **click** **click click click** (Wildcat stands up in the chair) **click click click click click** Wildcat: (grins evilly) Alright, TV......DANCE!!! **clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick** **clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick** **clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick** **clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick** (Abruptly, the television blows up. Wildcat blows the smoke coming from the remote) Wildcat: Fastest clicker in the west. WORKIN' IT, Part Two Ripley: I'm a reporter for "Ripley's Technology Magazine". I'm writing a totally objective review of your newest product. First question: Will you advertise in my magazine or is your new product a piece of junk? Boss: (startled) Um....we'll advertise. Ripley: Will it be a multi-page ad or is your new product a piece of junk? Boss: It'll be a ten-page ad! Ripley: Can you stand on your head for an hour or is your new product a piece of junk? (The boss stands on his head) Ripley: Would you like to subscribe to my magazine? It's ten pages of ads. Man: Can you give me free investment advice? Ripley: Sure. (yells) GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR MONEY NOW NOW NOW!! Man: What if I paid for some advice? Ripley: It's the same, except my hair doesn't flare up in a threatening manner. Man: Your idea won't work. No one would buy this kind of product. Shreeves: We already sell ten million of these per year. My idea just makes them better. Man: EXACTLY!! Shreeves: ? Aldonza: Everything you said in the meeting was wrong. Here's the proof. Man: (spins around in his chair to face her) EXACTLY!! Aldonza: Okay, I'm not even sure that was a humanoid response. Woman: I have the results of the employee personality type preferences. Wildcat: Remind me again why we're doing this. Woman: Your teamwork will be better when you understand that you have different styles of thinking. For example, you prefer to use logic to solve problems, but Randy relies more heavily on morals and values to solve problems. Wildcat: That sounds like a fancy way of saying Randy is an idiot. Randy: (angry) Oh, yeah? Well, I might be an idiot but you're illogical! (A few moments pass. The look fades) Randy: That didn't sound as menacing as I had hoped. Wildcat: That's okay. Aldonza: We understand. Atom Cat: No known battery technology can handle this load and be this size. That's not what you wanted to hear.... (Something happens to the woman he's talking to) Atom Cat: ....so your mind will erase what I said, and replace the memory with something totally ridiculous so you can question my motives. Woman: GAAH! Atom Cat: (thinking) The transformation is complete. Woman: How can you say there's no such thing as a battery? You're lying to avoid work! I'm going to talk to your boss! (The woman storms out. Later, at the Mansion....) Atom Cat: Lately, the only thing keeping me from quitting S.I.D. and being a serial Kyile is my distaste for manual labor. Ripley: You're preaching to the choir. Blackie: (showing something to Wildcat) And we'll have sub-second response time. Wildcat: Actually, it's already two seconds, and your change will add two more. Blackie: (annoyed) Why do you always have to be right? Just once can't you admit that I'm right? Wildcat: Okay, I admit that two plus two equals less than one. Blackie: (growls) I don't mean now, jerk. I mean in general. Wildcat: Okay. In general I admit that the laws of physics are optional. Blackie: (barks) YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! Wildcat: You're right. My fault again. (Aldonza hangs a sign on her cubicle that reads "Do Not Disturb") Aldonza: This sign is my passport to cubicle tranquillity. I wonder why no one ever thought of it before. (A few minutes later, Atom Cat walks in, leaving an angry expression on Aldonza's face) Atom Cat: Nice sign. Does it keep away the undesirables? Man: I've only worked here one day, but I thought of a great idea! (The boss zips in, douses him with a fire hose, then dashes away) Shreeves: The first idea is always the toughest. Wildcat: The urge eventually goes away. (Meeting) Boss: Our new philosophy is "we do it right the first time." This will inspire you to higher quality since you realize mistakes are not tolerated. Shreeves: Question. Since mistakes are inevitable, wouldn't your philosophy inspire us to avoid completing anything? We'll be paralyzed by the fear of mistakes, victims of our own unrealistic philosophy. You might as well have a philosophy that says "we punish anybody who does anything." Boss: (annoyed) I value your opinion. (turns to Atom Cat) Atom Cat, I want you to make some posters that say "we do it right the first time." Wildcat: (taps Atom Cat) Atom Cat's paralyzed. Boss: (reads agenda) Next item: why is employee morale so low? Shreeves: Your contributions to "United Charity" are below average for your pay level. Speedy: Actually, I donate ten percent of my income and thousands of hours to local groups not on your approved list. Shreeves: (writes something down) ...."Not a team player." Speedy: I fund an agency that keeps people like you away from society. Wildcat: Did you see my project report yet? It's in a big thick binder. Boss: I'm using it as a foot rest. (At the Mansion, Wildcat's talking to Ripley) Wildcat: You never want to hear the words "foot rest" the day before your annual performance appraisal. (Atom Cat is piling binders on top of his cubicle chair) Atom Cat: (to Speedy) ....and if I pile enough binders on my chair, I'll have a window view! (Cut to outside the cubicle. Atom Cat's head appears above the top of the cubicle. Speedy walks out) Speedy: (thinking) I've got to try that. (Cut to outside that area) Boss: (hands a binder to Wildcat) You know, I've never seen so much interest in our business plan! Wildcat: Can I have two? Boss: I'm starting an interdisciplinary task force to study our decision-making process. Aldonza: So, you're using a bad decision-making process to decide how to fix our bad decision-making process? Boss: I don't know how else we could find the source of the problem. Aldonza: X-ray your skull? Ripley: The Ripley Consulting Company has reviewed the executive compensation plan as you requested. My conclusion is that you're already hideously overpaid. I'm recommending 90% pay cuts and a whack in the head for each of you. VP: I'll bet you don't get much repeat business. Ripley: Oh, yeah, as if I want to spend more time with you. Wildcat: I spent the entire day getting new assignments which left no time to actually work on anything, and tomorrow I'll spend the entire day explaining why I didn't finish yesterday's work. (sighs) Sometimes, I don't know the difference between me and a hamster on a wheel. Ripley: Hamsters don't depress me. Atom Cat: No, "C" is a computer language, not the grade for my project. (Suddenly, the boss turns into a tiny black speck) Atom Cat: (thinking) He turned into a black hole, so dense that light cannot escape his field of gravity. (walks away angrily) Unfortunately, only his ideas can escape the gravity, because they lack substance. Boss: What if you program in "B"? Shreeves: (on the phone) I tried to fax it, but our fax machine is broken.....I would sent it by modem but my communication software is incompatible with my new system software upgrade, and....no, our E-mail systems are incompatible. (pauses) Mail it? I've only got one copy and our copier is out of toner. (pauses) Well, normally I could print another one but our lan is being rewired. I could just read it to you.....I describe how technology improves our lives by.... (Shreeves pauses talking for a moment) Shreeves: Yeah, I'll hold. (There is a pause.) Shreeves: Hello? (pause) Blast. Boss: All of our projects are floundering. I decided on a new bold strategy. Wildcat: Let me guess. You're going to randomly reorganize the department....just like last month. Boss: (annoyed) You have to admit that's bold. (Meeting) Boss: We'll need a name for the newly reorganized department. The name should reflect how I've seamlessly integrated engineering with food services and procurement. Ash: How about "Chips and Dips"? Wildcat: "Blind Ambition". Atom Cat: "The Unled". (Atom Cat walks by Shreeves' cubicle) Shreeves: Expand....window. (Atom Cat stops walking, and enters his cubicle) Shreeves: Insert....column. Atom Cat: (annoyed) Well, look who got a voice-controlled computer. If I were a lesser engineer I might be envious. Shreeves: Add.....row. Atom Cat: I don't mind using my prehistoric mouse-driven computer, and I'm not bitter about my request for a color printer being denied! At least I won't work all day then accidentally..... (Atom Cat leans towards Shreeves' computer) Atom Cat: DELETE....a FILE!! (Shreeves jumps a bit, and begans muttering something when he realizes what happened) Atom Cat: (chuckling) Please....not in front of the computer. Boss: I want you to help me upgrade the computer in my office. Speedy: The computer in your office is a cardboard prop that came with your desk. Boss: So, I need a new motherboard, right? Speedy: No, you need a new desk. Boss: The company cares deeply about the effects of long hours and stress on the workers. So they're paying nearly $200 to have an expert on stress-reduction give a talk during lunch. Aldonza: Just when you think they don't care, something like this comes along. Boss: It's scheduled for last Tuesday. Atom Cat: There's no reason to be stressed, Aldonza. Allow me to be your role model. I remain calm despite the pressure of impossible deadlines. Aldonza: (barks) That's because you have no pride and ambition! I've worked day and night to make this deadline! And, when I succeed, the glory will be mine! (Ash walks in) Ash: Our new vice president canceled the project so that the last guy would look bad! (Aldonza moans irritably, on the verge of tears) Atom Cat: They say that when the student is ready, the master will appear. Boss: (reading something) Remove that last bullet point. It's stupid. Aldonza: (gasps) Yesterday you told me to add that bullet point. So, either you were wrong today or you were wrong yesterday! (leans out the door) HEY, GUYS, COME QUICKLY! HE HAS TO ADMIT HE'S WRONG! (Ash, Wildcat, Shreeves, and Atom Cat race into the office) Aldonza: (turns to the boss) Say it! Boss: Aldonza heard me wrong yesterday. (Aldonza begins freaking out) Atom Cat: It takes a big man to admit Aldonza is wrong. Ash: CAN YOU HEAR US, ALDONZA? (Meeting) Ripley: This is my final report. (hands report to boss) I'm recommending big, big changes because I know you're too cowardly to implement them. Wildcat: So, it'll be our fault if nothing improves? Ripley: Exactly. Ripley: (reads report) AAAGH!! We can't do all of this! (turns to Ripley) Couldn't we just change the names of all our departments? Ripley: (yells) THOSE IMBECILES! HOW DARE THEY IGNORE MY ADVICE! Shreeves: You're supposed to say that behind our backs later. Ripley: I'm in a hurry. (A muscular man walks into Wildcat's cubicle) Man: I'm going for a hundred-mile run. Would you like to join me? Wildcat: (annoyed) Not unless it's neccessary. Man: I signed up for two triathalons this weekend. Do you want the entry forms? Wildcat: (VERY annoyed) No. Man: Next week a few of us will be leaping into geosynchronous orbit.... Wildcat: (clenches his paws furiously) GAA!! Boss: We must change our culture of cynicism and negativism. (points to Wildcat and Aldonza) You two will be the "Happiness Committee." Come up with some ideas to improve morale. (Later, at Aldonza's computer....) Aldonza: So far, we've got: 1) Raises, 2) Slap-the-boss Day, and 3) Wednesdays off each week. Wildcat: I can feel my cynicism melting away already. (Atom Cat is sitting in a meeting. His jacket is wrinkled) Atom Cat: When I bought this suit, it said "wrinkle-free" on the wrapper. Shreeves: The wrapper? Boss: Aldonza, I'd like your input on something. (As Aldonza walks out of the cubicle....) Aldonza: (thinking) Uh-oh. My intuition is activating the Fist of Death. Must....control..... (In the boss's office) Boss: Our corporate culture is bad. I'm trying to find the cause. Aldonza: (sarcastic) Well, obviously the problem isn't caused by managers who have no self-awareness....so what could it be? The culture problem must be coming from the other direction. Some EMPLOYEE must be causing this problem! I think it's the guy in the mail room. His bad culture is infecting the rest of us. (In the mail room, the boss confronts the mail guy) Mail Guy: If this is about that conference room full of mail, I don't know how it got there. (A bedraggled Shreeves walks into the boss's office) Shreeves: I've heard that some primitive cultures had no mathematical concept of "zero". Sometimes I think you're like that when I tell you I have zero time left for additional work. (The conversation went downhill from there.) Shreeves: (angry) NO, THAT'S "ZORRO." YOU'RE NOT LIKE ZORRO! Boss: Aldonza, your performance is good, but you must learn to deal with ambiguity. Aldonza: Did I just get blamed for your indecisive leadership? Boss: I'm not indecisive; I'm flexible. Aldonza: That would explain how your head got where it is. (Meeting) Boss: We did an industry survey to see how your salaries compared to the average. We didn't get the numbers we hoped for, so we broadened the definition of "Our Industry." (Later, Wildcat and Speedy are walking out) Speedy: (angry) I'm so happy to be in the industry of "high technology, textile workers, teen-agers, and dead people." Wildcat: I feel overpaid. (The boss enters Wildcat's cubicle) Boss: This is urgent. Stop what you're doing and work on it right now. Wildcat: Is it more urgent than what I was doing? Boss: I don't know what you were doing. Wildcat: Exactly. So how could you know if this is more urgent? Boss: (annoyed) You could work late and do both. Wildcat: Work late? Is this more important than my health? (The boss snatches the document he gave him out of his paws) Boss: Forget it! I'll have Blackie do it. (The boss walks away. Moments later, Wildcat continues 'working' on the computer. Aldonza walks in behind him, and Atom Cat appears above the cubicle) Atom Cat: Just out of curiosity, what ARE you doing? Wildcat: Playing "Descent". ---CLINCHER--- (Ash enters Shreeves' cubicle) Ash: I notice that the new organization chart has your box lower than before. Shreeves: It means nothing. Ash: Perhaps, but your box seems smallish, and your reporting line brushes against my box. Shreeves: It means nothing. Ash: No, I'm sure this means I'm your new boss. Shreeves: (thinking) I wonder if I killed someone in a previous life. (A few minutes pass) Shreeves: (angry) I don't care what it "looks" like on the org chart! You're an intern, not my boss! (The boss enters the cubicle) Boss: I just saw the new org chart. Congratulations on your promotion, Ash! (The two of them walk out. Shreeves bangs his head against his computer) Ash: Let's go make some strategies and pretend it's work! Boss: (whispers) Not so loud. The l-u-s-e-r might hear. THERMOSTAT WARS (Wildcat is sitting in a chair, reading a book. Aldonza walks up to him with 2 dozen ice cubes strapped to her tail, and sticks her tail in front of his book) Aldonza: Wildcat? (Wildcat turns away from Aldonza and resumes reading) Aldonza: Wildcat? Wildcat: One, get rid of those ice cubes. And two, NO, I'm not changing the temperature. (Atom Cat groans) Atom Cat: Man, first I feel freezing, and then I'm steaming over. (pulls himself away) I think I'll go lie down. (Atom Cat leaves) Ripley Jr.: Fun with the thermostat. (Wildcat is sitting outside with a pair of sunglasses) Wildcat: Staying cool throughout the summer is all mental. If you just think cool, you'll be cool. (Atom Cat walks in with ice cubes taped to himself) Wildcat: Of course, others may have different approaches. Atom Cat: Do we have anymore tape? (Cut to the inside of a newly-built office building. Shreeves is holding a set of blueprints and talking to Atom Cat) Shreeves: According to the blueprints, your new cubicle has a support beam in it. (In the cubicle, Atom Cat is sitting between the cubicle wall and the support beam) Atom Cat: At least I have a window view. (Back to the Mansion. Atom Cat's fur is soaked with perspiration) Atom Cat: It's 108 degrees by the window, but at least there's a breeze from the people who walk by and laugh. Ripley: Don't let me slow your search for someone who's interested. (Wildcat walks by, perspiring heavily. He notes the thermostat's temperature, 87 degrees, and lowers it to 67 degrees. He walks away) (Kyile walks into the room. He notes the temperature, 67 degrees, and lowers it another 20 degrees to 47 degrees. He walks away) (Kyile enters the living room. The few occupants of that room are shivering slightly) Wildcat: Why'd you do that, Kyile? Kyile: Monkey see, monkey do. JOKING AROUND (Ash, Pikachu, and Kyile are sitting around in the living room) Ash: Want to hear some manical jokes? Kyile: (annoyed) No. Ash: How many maniacs does it take to change a lightbulb? Six: one to hold the bulb and five to argue about how to rotate it on the double-edged sides of the blade....(snickers) What's the difference between a fungus and a maniac? A fungus can grow on you....(laughs) Kyile: (glares at them both) What do you call a Pikachu that's been run over by a steamroller? "Spot". (Ash and Pikachu get up angrily and leave. Later, they're complaining to Aldonza about it) Pikachu: <---We were having a good time until he started getting personal!---> (Wildcat is walking around outside of a clothing store, carrying a sign that says "Fur is Murder". The sign on the shop's window says "Fur Sale". The store manager comes barging out) Manager: (angry) What's yer problem with my store, cat? Wildcat: I oppose the sale of fur. Manager: I'm not selling fur. The whole store is "fur sale". Wildcat: I oppose bad spelling, too. (IM Conversation) SL45J: Atom Cat, you just sent me the same E-mail you sent last week. AC2000: I'm rerunning the "Best of Atom Cat" while I'm on in-cube sabbatical, Shreeves. SL45J: How long is your sabbatical? AC2000: Six months so far, and you're the first to notice. Boss: (to Wildcat and Ash) I'd like you guys to check Anne's advertising materials for technical accuracy. (Later, in a conference room, the two of them are reading the materials) Ash: Is this supposed to be funny? Wildcat: I don't get it. Anne: I'm only looking for technical help, here. Ash: Hey! Maybe you could say something about those warning tags on mattresses! Now THAT would be funny! Wildcat: Or how about the fact that you can't look up something in the dictionary if you can't spell it? THAT'S funny! Anne: (yells) YOU'RE ENGINEERS, NOT COMEDIANS! I WANT TECHNICAL HELP! Wildcat: (points to materials) This guy has an XP-6. It should be an XP-7..... Anne: That's better. Wildcat: ...and he should be saying "I've fallen and I can't get up." Ash: Who picked these colors? (Wildcat is napping in the back of a car, but abruptly sits up. He, Kyile, Aldonza, Ash, and Pikachu are headings towards the middle of nowhere, with Aldonza driving. Everyone gets out.) Pikachu: <---Where are we now?---> (Aldonza translates) Kyile: I can't tell you. That's part of the experiment. I read in "Reader's Digest" how a dog found his way home from a hundred miles away. I want to test your homing instinct. (Seconds later, the car is driving away. Kyile is the only one that can be seen) Kyile: Okay, I think we're ready to begin..... (Ripley, Wildcat, and Pikachu are sitting in the living room) Ripley: I'm going to start a business as a professional insulter. For example, I would say to you, you're so ugly you have to wear a disguise on garbage pick-up day. (As the other two growl in response...) Wildcat: That was uncalled for. Ripley: Well, then, no charge. (Pikachu is sitting near a computer. Atom Cat is working on it. A translation device is hooked up to Pikachu and the computer) Computer: =Sometimes I think I'm not reaching my full podential as a Pokemon.= Atom Cat: You're right. In the Middle Ages, disease-carrying rats wiped out half of the human population in Europe. Computer: =I think I've got a little temperature. Feel my forehead.= Atom Cat: Face it, your glory days are past. (Wildcat is reading a book on the couch, while Ash and a few others are sitting off-screen) Wildcat: "The brain automatically coordinates millions of activities every second.....imagine if it got just a little bit confused---all those neurons firing randomly----" ----"AAAEEEEEEEE!"---- (Wildcat turns around. Ash and the others are struggling to keep their balance, but they eventually fall off the other couch) Wildcat: You guys don't add much to a conversation, but you're easily the best listeners I've ever met. -------------------------- (There is a knock on the Mansion's front door. Ash gets up and walks towards the door with his backpack in hand, followed closely by Pikachu) Ash: That must be Brock, guys. See you around! Aldonza: Be sure to send me E-mails on how you're doing sometime, okay? Ash: (smiles) Sure. Thanks for everything! (glances at Wildcat, Atom Cat, Ripley, and Kyile; no longer smiling) ....NOT.... (The two of them walk out the door. Right before the door closes, a massive Thunderbolt zaps through the door and toasts the four by-standers to a well-done crisp over the course of 10 seconds. Some of Wildcat and Atom Cat's muscles lock in place) Atom Cat: (wheezes) Yes, Virginia. There IS a Pikachu..... Kyile: (coughs) And he's got a bad temper. Wildcat: (does likewise) Someone get the tracking device we installed that tracks Ash's progress up and running upstairs. In the meantime, we'll finish this segment. (falls over suddenly) But first, Aldonza, give us a hand and get us back to normal..... (Aldonza is laughing from the earlier incident) --------------------- Man: .....So, either an IBM 586 with 10 Meg Ram or maybe a Sparc CPU on a Lan......but with AI and AVR combined with BISDN, well, it's very G. Shreeves: G? Man: Good. BANKING YOUR REPUTATION Bank teller: (to Aldonza) I cannot allow this withdrawl, unless you defeat me in hand-to-hand combat. (Later, Aldonza looks like she's been through a serious fight) Atom Cat: (to Ripley) They're pretty serious about encouraging the use of their ATM machines. Bank teller: Next victim. (Atom Cat steps forward) Atom Cat: You charged me a fee for paying my credit card bill a day late. Teller: So? Atom Cat: Why don't your computers automatically transfer money from my checking account instead of charging a penalty? Teller: Frankly, we're not much into the "customer service" craze. We prefer to set little traps so customers get hit with unexpected penalties. Atom Cat: (angry) Well! I think I'll just take my business elsewhere! Teller: You're annoying me. That's a hundred dollar penalty! (Later, Atom Cat is walking out, minus his jacket) Atom Cat: I don't even think I can claim a moral victory here. Wildcat: (angry) YOU WHAT?! Teller: I spent all your money. Terribly sorry. Wildcat: (angry) But how could you have spent all of my money? Teller: (sarcastic) Oh, Mr. Moneybags, like it was SO MUCH. Wildcat: (same tone) Ooh! I am ACTIVELY considering taking my business elsewhere! Teller: Are you making a desposit, or just wasting my time? (There's a sign on the bank that says: "Now a Secret Swiss Bank". Speedy enters) Speedy: I'd like to withdraw two hundred dollars. Teller: What's your secret Swiss account number?? Speedy: I don't have a secret account. It's just a regular account. Teller: Wrong. I changed all of the accounts into secret Swiss accounts. Speedy: Oh, okay. What's my secret account number? Teller: It's a secret. Speedy: Then how do I get my money out. Teller: You're a bit slow in grasping the concept here. Speedy: (upset) Okay, okay. I'll just open a new account. Teller: Do you have any previous banking references? BAD RUMORS WITH GOOD HUMOR, Part Three (Ripley is sitting next to a toaster) Ripley: How is a Monday morning different from other mornings? (Something pops out of the toaster. It's bread, but the peanut butter on it has melted and has gotten itself stuck on the toaster) Ripley: Other mornings, I would've peanut buttered the bread AFTER I toasted it. Aldonza: (holds up a sandwich) I got you a sandwich, Curtis. Wildcat: (enthusiastic) Oh, boy! Oh, boy! A kitty treat! Ha-ha! Boy howdy. I'm going crazy here. (When Wildcat makes no move to get up....) Aldonza: (annoyed) Don't strain yourself. Wildcat: You want I should burst into flame? (Atom Cat walks by. His jacket has sunflowers on it, and he's wearing a hat decorated with plaid. After he leaves....) Kyile: I'm personally looking forward to colder weather. (Aldonza is in the courtyard, spraying the plants, supposedly with water. Eventually, she stops and, suspiciously, sniffs the water bottle) Aldonza: Okay, what are oil and vinegar doing in my sprayer? Wildcat: (peeks out from behind a bush) The bleu cheese was too chunky. (Atom Cat and Ripley Jr. are staring at each other) Atom Cat: Let's see which one of us can keep his eyes closed the longest! (He closes his eyes. There is a pause.) Atom Cat: Boy, this is some fun, huh? (Ripley Jr. is in the kitchen, cutting a slice of ham with Kyile's sword) Ripley Jr.: You bet. (Aldonza is sitting in a chair, asleep. Wildcat walks up with a ruler, measures her for a second, then morphs Shape-Shifter into a saw and walks away. Sawing sounds can be heard, and then a doorbell rings. Aldonza sleepily gets up to answer it....) Aldonza: YAAAHH! (...and falls through the hole. Everything falls through except her head, which gets stuck upon contact) Wildcat: (holds up a plate) While you're down there, how about getting me some dinner? (Atom Cat walks into the living room with a platter-ful of chocolate cake. He sets it down in front of Wildcat, who is staring at him from his spot in a chair.) Atom Cat: Wildcat, I'm going to teach you self-control. This is a chocolate cake, but do not take it. (sets it down on the floor) I'm leaving the room now. You are not to take the cake. (Atom Cat leaves. A few minutes pass) Atom Cat: (shouts) Okay, I'm coming back in now! The cake had better be there! (Atom Cat walks in, and a look of surprise registers on his face. The chocolate cake is still there. However, the chair, the decorative paintings, the furniture, the light switch----in fact, everything EXCEPT the cake----is just plain gone, along with Wildcat) (The whole living room goes pitch-black, then lights up again. Speedy sits upright) Speedy: Was that an eclipse? (He calms down) Speedy: Oh, it was just Wildcat walking past the window. Wildcat: (annoyed) Shaddup. (Atom Cat walks through the door into Aldonza's room. He's carrying a "Risk" board game) Atom Cat: It's impossible not to enjoy Aldonza's playful nature. (Aldonza can be seen, half-asleep, on her bed. She opens her eyes and looks at Atom Cat) Atom Cat: Hey, Aldonza, let's have some fun! Aldonza: Do you have an appointment? (Wildcat is crouching on the floor at the far end of the Mansion, then starts trotting at a moderate pace. He increases his speed until he breaks the light barrier, and disappears.) (Ripley is carrying his plate, full of dinner, towards the table. Suddenly, the food disappears with a **ping**) Ripley: (startled) Hey, what happened? Wildcat: (his mouth full) You blinked. Kyile: What kind of fox is Aldonza, Atom Cat? Atom Cat: Well, actually, she's---- Kyile: I have a hunch. Atom Cat: What's that? Kyile: Worthless. Aldonza: Enjoying dinner, you guys? Ripley Jr.: You bet. I love lasagna. (There is a pause.) Ripley Jr.: How's your tuna and liver? (The males on the cast are lousing around the living room) Aldonza: You're worthless, you guys. Nothing will ever become of you lying there like that. (Aldonza walks away) Atom Cat: (yells) Hey, hey! MICHELANGELO PAINTED THE SISTINE CHAPEL LIKE THIS, SISTER! Aldonza: Want some more coffee? Speedy: Don't mind if I do. (Speedy takes Aldonza's cup of coffee.) Ripley: Want a sip of my soda pop, Wildcat? Wildcat: (grins) Sure. (Wildcat takes the can of soda and downs it in one huge **SIP**) Ripley: (angry) You call that a sip? Wildcat: One man's sip is another man's chug. (The scene is pitch-dark. Only Atom Cat's eyes can be seen) Atom Cat: Only the cat is brave enough to venture into the dark unknown, laughing in the face of danger.... (The scene brightens. Wildcat is staring at Atom Cat, who has a potato-chip bag over his head) Wildcat: (snarls) Atom Cat.... Atom Cat: ...risking a happenstance meeting with a rabid chip. (Aldonza walks through the Mansion, a smile on her face) Ripley: Aldonza should spread her happiness around. (Ripley grabs Aldonza's tail and tosses her away) Ripley: Now there's happiness in the living room. (Wildcat's wearing a paper crown on his head) Wildcat: (thoughtful) I wonder if I look like royalty in this crown. Kyile: Nice hat, fat cat. (After Kyile walks away....) Ripley: The guillotine would be too swift for him. Atom Cat: My grandfather was a wise cat. I sat down next to him once, and he told me, "Atom Cat, you can't milk a dead cow." Aldonza: Sounds like gramps was a few corn dogs shy of a picnic. Atom Cat: You know, guys, I like women who are impressed with my intellect. Wildcat: So, you're saying you like really stupid women. Atom Cat: Have you seen the flowers I bought my date? Wildcat: Ate them. Atom Cat: And the candy? Aldonza: Ate it. Atom Cat: And jewelry? Ripley Jr.: Hocked it. Bought more flowers and candy. (Aldonza's sitting at the table with a cup of coffee. A fly flies on past, followed closely by a screaming Wildcat, who disappears off-screen) Wildcat: (screams) ***swish swish swish swish swish swish*** --SMACK WHOP SMASH KSSSHHH-- (The fly goes on by Aldonza, and Wildcat continues after it off-screen) Wildcat: (screams) ***swish swish swish swish swish*** --KSSSGGG SMASH CRASH CRUNCH-- Aldonza: (groans) Obsessive behavior is not a pretty thing. Kyile: (reading a newspaper) Here's something you never stop to think about. Did you realize that one-seventh of your life is spent on Monday? (seconds later....) Kyile: (spits out something) Now the inside of my mouth is all black! Speedy: Newsprint will do that. (Wildcat walks in, holding his stomach) Aldonza: Wow, you look full. You must've been out hunting. Out there, stalking your prey! Wildcat: I slashed the tires on a donut truck. (Wildcat walks up to a chair, slashes once at it, then walks away.) (Atom Cat goes to the chair. Right when he sits down, the back and armrests of the chair collapse, leaving behind the base of the chair.) Atom Cat: I'm been working to improve my memory. Ripley: So, how's it going? (There is a pause.) Atom Cat: I've been working to improve my memory. Ripley: So, how's it going? Atom Cat: I have become one with my computer. It is a feeling of ecstasy...the perfect blend of logic and emotion. I have reached..... Kyile: "Nerdvana". (Atom Cat is getting his jacket on in preparation for work) Ripley: The mighty warrior prepares for battle...today, bold memos will be written, dangerous meetings will be attanded, and many a photocopied image will be captured for eternity. Atom Cat: If it weren't for sarcasm, my life would sound pathetic. Ripley: Glad to help. Boss: Francine's our new engineer. Show her the ropes, Wildcat. (Wildcat pulls out a noose, startling Fran momentarily) Boss: I meant figuratively. (Later, Wildcat is showing the office to Francine) Wildcat: (points to a cubicle) This is your anti-productivity pod. It's equipped with a little device that rings anytime you try to concentrate. The top of the cubicle is open so none of the background noise is inadvertently muffled. And, you're on the main aisle, so you'll be haunted every minute by footsteps behind you....step....step....step.... (Francine takes the noose out of Wildcat's paw and walks away in a huff. Aldonza rushes after her) Boss: (to Wildcat) We need to talk. (The telephone rings. Aldonza answers it) Aldonza: Yes, Mrs. Brown? (pauses) Wildcat's clawing at your door? Turn off the can opener, Mrs. Brown. (Atom Cat stumbles through the door. Dirt is encrusted in several places, and he looks somewhat....exhausted) Atom Cat: It's been a bad day, guys....and no wonder. (angrily) Someone stuck a "Bury Me Alive" sign on my back! Kyile: Yes, some days are better than others. Aldonza: (groans) I'm depressed. After I'm gone, no one will care that I ever existed. Ripley: Hey, cheer up, Aldonza. They don't care NOW. (Aldonza and Atom Cat are steamed over) Atom Cat: (angry) These mice are too much, you guys. Aldonza: (barks) Either they go, or WE go. (There is a constant thumping noise. The two of them turn around) Atom Cat: What's that noise? Wildcat: That's a hundred mice dragging your belongings down the stairs. (Atom Cat is sitting at the table, when....) Voice: Hey, dipwad, time to feed the cats! Take a moment out of your pathetic existence to care for your friends, you dork! (Atom Cat looks around, but sees only Wildcat and Speedy, with Wildcat holding a plate in his hand) Atom Cat: (confused) I...I guess I'll, uh...microwave something.... (After he walks away, Wildcat pulls a string on the plate) Plate: And make it snappy, geek boy! Speedy: I love that thing. Boss: You'll have to write this in less technical terms for me....make it even less technical for my boss...even less for our VP.....even less for our EVP....much less for our CEO. (In a meeting, Shreeves is pointing at an overhead image. The image is a "smiley face" with a frown instead of a grin) Shreeves: ....and compared to all the other technologies, there's a big difference in the mouth area. (The boss is walking down a hallway with a new employee) Boss: We don't have a cubicle available for you yet, Bruce, so I'm declaring this part of the carpet...(stops walking)...to be your office. If someone goes to a meeting, you can sneak into his cubicle and use the phone. Our computer budget is gone, but we have an old monitor that you can put on top of your briefcase. Bruce: Can I put tape on the carpet to mark my boundary? Boss: That won't be necessary....(holds up a dog collar)....thanks to this high-tech device. Bruce: A dog collar? Boss: It will give a mild shock if you cross your invisible boundary. (A week goes by. Aldonza and Wildcat are staring at Bruce from across the office) Aldonza: The new guy hasn't left that spot for a week. Wildcat: Atom Cat taught him to beg for food. Boss: From now on, we'll only hire people with Masters degrees from the top colleges. Speedy: (snarls) I don't have a Masters degree from a top college. I'm insulted by this new policy. Boss: (holds up a height chart with a line one foot above Speedy's head) And new hires must be this tall to work here. Speedy: HEY!! ---Clincher--- (Boss's office. A cup of coffee and two doughnuts are sitting in front of him) Boss: Get my approval at each phase. Finish in one month. Blackie: Let's see....you're on vacation next week. Then you're traveling. Then there's your executive retreat......it takes three weeks to get on your calendar...and the project has six phases...What we have here is guaranteed failure. You've left nothing to chance on this one. (The boss is staring blankly at her.) Blackie: I mean, normally there's a bit of uncertainty, but you've....(notices the boss's look) Oh. You've slipped into the "Boss Zone" where you can't see or hear employee input. (Later, the boss is talking to his secretary. The doughnuts have been stuck onto the boss's pointy hair) Boss: It's weird. I lost ten minutes, and when I woke up, my doughnuts were gone. FINALE Boss: Shreeves, I hired some contract employees from North Elbonia to help on your project. Shreeves: North Elbonia is an evil totalitarian regime. My project will create top secret military technology to use against them. Boss: Sure, but you have to weight that against the fact that they're willing to work for free. Shreeves: (angry) I'm a LITTLE concerned about your hiring Communist North Elbonian contractors to help on my top secret military project. Boss: (forever ignorant) Don't worry. What's the worst thing that could happen? Shreeves: I could be executed for treason. Boss: Talk to our legal department. Shreeves: Could I opt for the execution instead? (Later....) Shreeves: I'm working on a top secret military project. My boss hired some North Elbonians to help me. They're Communists. If I give them any information, I could be guilty of treason. I could be EXECUTED. Can you help? Company lawyer: Sure. What would I have to do -- pull a lever? (The next day....) N-E #1: Don't worry that we'll take any military technology secrets back to North Elbonia. N-E #2: We signed these little agreements that say we won't. (The North Elbonians laugh, crumple up the agreements, and high-five each other) Shreeves: (annoyed) Moving on.... (Later, in a meeting) Shreeves: My project has hit a little snag. Our North Elbonian contractors stole our military technology for their belligerent homeland. They're building a huge laser to vaporize us. (Aldonza is looking increasingly nervous) Boss: Next year, remind me to include contract employees in the team-building workshop. Aldonza: (nervous) The floor is warm! (That night, at the Mansion....) Wildcat: The North Elbonians stole our military technology. We think they're building a huge laser to use against us. Ripley: Ask Aldonza's mother to create a user manual for them. Remind Blackie how the North Elbonians treat females of her species. (Some time later, in North Elbonia, a group of N-Es are lined up single file in front of a huge laser. The timer on the laser reads "0:09", and one of the N-Es is reading out of a user manual) N-E #1: Okay....the timer is set...we're lined up in single file....now we sing a Helen Reddy song. -------------------------------------------------- AFTERMATH Aldonza: That last scene did not paint a pretty picture. Wildcat: Well, at least it's over with. You sending the complete version of this file to Ash over in Olivine? Aldonza: Yeah. (grins) Atom Cat's tracking device worked perfectly. How about that? (Atom Cat interrupts them) Atom Cat: Hate to interrupt you guys, but there's a space pod hurtling through the atmosphere on course for the courtyard. (A few seconds later, there is crashing noise from outside. The cast of "Idiots", minus Shreeves, heads outside to see what happened. Indeed, it IS a space pod. The glass ceiling above the courtyard has been shattered)) (Suddenly, the space pod starts to open. A shadowed-figure in the shape of a giant praying mantis hops out) Mantis: (mutters) Great. First Space Ghost, and now these guys. (The eyes of Aldonza, Atom Cat, Speedy, and Ripley Jr. widen) Ripley: (groans) Oh, no. Not..... Wildcat: (disbelieving) ...ZORAK! Zorak: (laughs evilly) Hi, there! ----------------------------------------- Stay tuned for the conclusion..... BALLAD OF THE IDIOTS, PART FOUR: The Sleep-Causing Waltz Until next time.... (End of file)