Ballad of the Idiots, Part Four: The Sleep-Causing Waltz ------------------------------------- Wildcat: Alright, alright, people. Clear the area. (The TV reporters gathered around Zorak's escape pod refuse to leave. A bengal tabby cat with brown and black stripes brushes past Wildcat) Cat: Allow me. (The cat faces the reporters) Cat: Excuse me. My name is Teasy Melika. I just flew in from Kansas City today, and boy, are my paws tired! Also, I took my friend to the restaurant once, but someone tossed a bowl of soup at him, so I said, "Hey, waiter! What's this soup doing on my bug?" (The reporters scream and run away) Teasy: (chuckles) Two bad jokes, and they run like rats. Wildcat: The long and short of it is, people: Ash and Pikachu are gone for good to finish what's left of their Journey, and we've found the replacements we've been looking for. People, meet Teasy..... (Zorak hops into view) Wildcat: (narrows his eyes) ....and Zorak. Zorak: (chuckles) Hi, there. Wildcat: This time, we're not going to even bother with that opening segment like we've done the first three times. Let's get right to business. Ripley: First smart thing you've said all week, kid. Wildcat: (mutters) Stuff it. INSULTORAMA TV: Coming up next, "The cat, nature's smart aleck". (Kyle appears next to Wildcat) Kyle: What's on? Wildcat: Nothing that would interest you, bean brain. Kyle: (reading a newspaper) Hmmm....says a cat's name should reflect its personality. (turns to Wildcat) What think, Sloth Cat? Wildcat: Could be, Thimble Brain. (Aldonza walks by Zorak) Zorak: Aldonza is a mixed breed. Her mother was a red fox. (Aldonza, still looking at Zorak, walks into a closet door) Zorak: And her father was a brick. (Wildcat walks up to the dinner table, obviously in a bad mood) Wildcat: (to Aldonza) I'm taking this steak and there's nothing you can do about it, Chipmunk Cheeks. (Wildcat grabs the steak and walks away, fuming) Aldonza: I've always encouraged Wildcat to be assertive, but I believe he's crossed the fine line to obnoxious. Teasy: You're one of a kind, Kyle. Kyle: Why, thank you! Teasy: At least, that's what the entire human race is hoping. Kyle: I hate you. Aldonza: They say one's dinnerware should reflect one's personality. (holds up a china plate) For me, fine china. (holds up a box) For YOU, a hog trough. Wildcat: (hisses) Ever been bit by a pig? Boss: Our oil wells in the Elbonian wildlife preserve have caused the extinction of several species. Fortunately, they were useless species who did nothing but eat and grunt. (Meanwhile, Atom Cat is munching on a doughnut, growling to himself the whole time) (Wildcat is sitting on the bed) Aldonza: (walks by) Hi, Curtis. Wildcat: (to himself) "Curtis" this, "Curtis" that. I'm sick of my name. Zorak: (hops by) Hi, fleabag. Wildcat: (to himself) Then again, "Curtis" does have a certain ring to it. Atom Cat: (quivering) It's a dark and scary night, you guys. They say cats can sense when evil is present. So, is it? Zorak: No, but my geek sensor just went wild. ----- Wildcat: That's irony for you. Zorak: (snickers) Right. ----- Aldonza: Come on, Wildcat, let's be honest. Does anything I say ever get through to you? (There is a pause.) Wildcat: You know, I think your tail's been getting longer. Atom Cat: What do you think of my Ming vase, guys? (Zorak walks up to the vase and shoves it off the table, shattering it into fragments) Zorak: Ming, shming. They don't make'm like they used to. Atom Cat: (shocked) Wha...I don't...you....! (sobs; angrily) YOU DUMB MANTIS! YOU'RE SO STUPID, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DID! Zorak: I know I destroyed a priceless Ming dynasty vase as an overt expression to communicate my contempt for the politically oppressive doctrines of their early 17th centry administration. ------------------ Teasy: Simply amazing. I still can't believe you said all that from memory. Zorak: Believe it, Joker-Boy. ------------------- (Zorak walks up to Wildcat) Zorak: (yells) I'M SPENDING SATURDAY NIGHT WITH A FAT, WORTHLESS CAT! (Zorak walks away) Wildcat: That fat part was uncalled for. (The telephone rings. Wildcat answers it) Phone: Congratulations! Answer just two questions and win, win, win! Question one: what is the sound a cat makes? (Wildcat meows) Phone: Correct! And for the GRAND prize, question two: what is the sound a DOG makes? Wildcat: Duhhhhhhh! (Wildcat hangs up) Wildcat: I doubt if I was eligible anyway. Ripley: Here's my bill. (hands a paper to Aldonza) It's for all the time we've spent together when I didn't enjoy it. If it wasn't fun, it must've been work. Aldonza: Ripley, let me explain what friendship is all about. Friendship is about giving freely of oneself. It's about trust and sharing. (gives the paper back to Ripley) Now, I expect you'll want this back. Ripley: Yes. (writes a few things on it) I need to round it up to the next hour. (gives the paper back to Aldonza) No checks. You have the face of a deadbeat. Aldonza: (annoyed) I don't think I'm reaching you. Boss: Aldonza, I noticed a disturbing pattern. Your solutions to problems are always the things you try LAST. Aldonza: (irritated) With all due respect, are you using your skull to store old rags or what? (Aldonza leaves) Boss: It's a good thing you said "with all due respect". (Atom Cat's looking at the inside of a computer, with Ripley sitting nearby) Ripley: Since I'm the major breadwinner here, I decided to name your Mansion "Ripley Manor". And, I've decided to name you Jennifer because I like the name. Atom Cat: I don't know why I bought this. It's just a box full of electronics that you can look at. Ripley: Shut up, Jennifer. Ripley Jr.: IT'S THE CROWN PRINCE OF LAZINESS! ALL HAIL HIS HIGHNESS, PRINCE FAT SLOB! Wildcat: OFF WITH HIS MOUTH! (Kyle is eyeing a chunk of Swiss cheese suspiciously) Kyle: Why haven't I ever seen talking food before? Voice: Because you're as dumb as you look. Kyle: (angered) Oh, yeah? Voice: Touche'. Kyle: (calmer) I can't believe I'm talking to a cheese. (A mouse's head appears out of the Swiss cheese) Mouse: Neither can I. (A fat man roams the halls of the office) Man: I am Carl, the cubicle dwellers' friend. I travel from cubicle to dubicle to tell people how hard I'm working. (enters Wildcat's cubicle) I am working so-o-o-o hard. Work, work, work. It's all I do. Wildcat: How is that possible? You walk around all day with that coffee cup resting on your stomach. Does your job description say "Transport coffee cup on stomach"? How many miles per gallon do you get? Carl: (leaves; thinking) He's a terrible conversationalist. (Later, in Aldonza's cubicle....) Aldonza: Hypothetically, if you were downsized, how would the cup get around? Carl: (thinking) What's wrong with these people? (Company training) Man: Let's go around the room and we'll each say what we hope to learn. (puts a marker on an overhead projector) Aldonza: I hope to learn whether that thing on your head is a bad toupee, a dead animal, or a hideous freak of nature. Man: Can I call that "general"? Aldonza: I wanted to buy you another mattress, Wildcat, but the only sizes they came in were twin, full, queen, and king. They didn't have "showboat"! (Two seconds later, a bowl of vanilla pudding is splattered all over her face) Aldonza: (thinking) A quick wit is best accompanied by quick reflexes. Wildcat: Something wrong, Doc? You look puzzled. Vet: I can't figure out exactly what's wrong with you. I think it's the result of heavy drinking. Wildcat: (agitated) Well, then I'll just come back when you're sober. -Clincher- (Kyle writes something on both sides of a piece of paper, hands it to Wildcat, and walks away. Curious, he begins looking at it) Wildcat: (reads) "How do you keep a dummy busy? Turn to the other side for more info." (turns the paper around and reads it) "How do you keep a dummy busy? Turn to the other side for more info." (turns the paper around and reads it) "How do you keep a dummy busy? Turn to the other side for more info." (turns the paper around and reads it) "How do you keep a dummy busy? Turn to the other side for more info." (turns the paper around and reads it) "How do you keep a dummy busy? Turn to the other----" (There is an explosion from down the hall. A minute later, Aldonza and Atom Cat enter the room. Their fur has been scorched black) Aldonza: (angry) Curtis, what are you DOING? Ripley, Kyle, and Zorak are totaling the kitchen! Wildcat: Kyle? I was just reading something he gave me. (hands Aldonza the note) (Aldonza skims through the note; and in a fit of anger, she crumples up the note, tosses it into the air, and fries it with her laser vision) Wildcat: (mad) Hey, I was still reading that! Atom Cat: (shakes his head) You're hopeless, Wildcat. NO DATES EQUALS DESPERATION Atom Cat: I don't think you guys like it when I go on dates. Wildcat: Take a guess. Dating leads to marriage, and marriage leads to kids. (shudders) And what do you think children like to do to cats? (At the vet....) Atom Cat: How about a date, doc? Vet: Let's not and say we did. Atom Cat: That's better than nothing, I guess. Can we say I kissed you good night? Vet: If we can say I slapped you. Atom Cat: Let's be honest with one another, doc. I'm male, you're female. Get the picture? Vet: (angry; points at the door) That's the door. Get the picture? Wildcat: You'll have to draw it for him, doc. Vet: Wildcat's in good health, Atom Cat. Atom Cat: Dandy. Now let's talk about us. Vet: Let's do. Atom Cat: Really? Vet: You owe me forty dollars. Wildcat: (smirks) I just adore love patter. Atom Cat: Did you know I'm a medical curiosity, doc? Vet: (checking Wildcat's pulse) I'm not surprised. Atom Cat: I'm missing a major organ. Vet: Your brain? Atom Cat: My heart. You've stolen it away. (The vet covers her eyes, agitated) Wildcat: I hate to see a doctor cry. (Atom Cat's on the phone. Wildcat is sitting nearby) Atom Cat: (hangs up the phone) Why can't I get a date? What am I? Ugly? No! (getting angrier) What am I? Impolite? No! What am I? Boring? (Wildcat falls asleep, snoring lightly) Atom Cat: (snaps) OH, SHUT UP! (On the telephone) Atom Cat: Ellen, this is Atom Cat---- (There is a loud click as the phone hangs up) Atom Cat: Oh, no! Someone cut her phone line! Teasy: Sounds like a job for Denial Cat. Atom Cat: Cindy, this is Atom Cat, your blind date for tonight. Anything special you'd like to know about me? (There is a pause.) Atom Cat: Uh....four feet...silver with black stripes....sixty-seven pounds....red....um, decaffeinated....chocolate chip....unleaded....(pauses) My dental records? Aldonza: Whatever happened to "What's your sign"? Wildcat: Disintegrated alongside tact. Atom Cat: I saw a coyote at the mall today with a big tattoo of a bowling ball on her arm. She wore an eye patch, and was carrying an iguana. Zorak: You asked her out, didn't you? Atom Cat: Shot me down like a one-winged duck. (At the vet's office) Atom Cat: Would you go out with me, Doc? Vet: (checking Aldonza's ears) Mr. Atom Cat, I'm single, not desperate. Atom Cat: Well, I'M more complex than that....I'm single AND desperate. Vet: (glares at Aldonza) You talk to him. Aldonza: I'm a fox, not a psychiatrist. Atom Cat: Oh, come on. How about just dinner? Vet: No. Atom Cat: Lunch? Vet: No. Atom Cat: Brunch? Vet: No. Atom Cat: How about sharing a sack of honey-roasted nuts from the machine in the hall? Vet: (yells) LOOK, ATOM CAT, WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO CONVINCE YOU THAT I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU? Aldonza: Anything short of a death threat is wasting your breath. (That afternoon, at Aldonza's diner....) Atom Cat: So, how's dinner coming? Aldonza: (busy) Fine. Atom Cat: And how's your new assistant? (Zorak hops by) Aldonza: (busy) Fine. Atom Cat: And how are you? Aldonza: (busy) Fine. Atom Cat: Okay if I pay by check? Aldonza: (hands him dinner) Fine. Atom Cat: (thinking) Here goes. (out loud) How about a date? Aldonza: Fine. Atom Cat: (revs a fist) YES! Aldonza: (groans) That's cheating! Zorak: If you can't attract them, trick them. (Later....) Aldonza: Look, Atom Cat, I may be single, but I don't date cats. I only date foxes with personalities that I approve of. Atom Cat: What if I conducted a genetics experiment and made my tail five times longer? Then I'd have flight capabilities like the ones you have. Aldonza: (barks) ARE YOU REALLY THIS DESPERATE, YOU MORON? Atom Cat: Yeah, considering my track record. Aldonza: (sighs; hangs her head) Oh, all right. Tonight at 7:00, at the "Olive Garden". What time is it now? Zorak: 'Bout 3:30. (snickers) You better start getting ready. Both: Very funny, Zorak. (5:15. Atom Cat's wearing a suit. Looks spiffy, yet bad-tasting) Atom Cat: Know why I'm wearing a suit? Wildcat: Your jacket is in the wash? Atom Cat: I'm going out! Wildcat: To buy another suit? Atom Cat: I have a date with the most beautiful female on the planet tonight! (Atom Cat walks away) Wildcat: And which planet would that be? Atom Cat: (yells) I HEARD THAT! (5:25) Wildcat: Atom Cat's having a big date tonight. Teasy: Yeah, I heard. He's choosing his wardrobe very carefully. Atom Cat: (off-screen) Should I wear the squirting or the exploding tie? Teasy: We wouldn't want to make the wrong impression. (5:35) Atom Cat: Do you think this tie is too ugly? Zorak: Not at all. It's just ugly enough. (5:55) (Atom Cat, Zorak, Wildcat, Teasy, and Ripley are lousing around the living room. Atom Cat's in his bad-looking suit) Atom Cat: Do you think I have too much charm? Ripley: Yeah, assuming "charm" is the name of the cologne you're wearing. (Atom Cat turns his head towards the hallway entrance) Atom Cat: (to himself) Whoa..... (Aldonza has entered the room. The fur on her head has grown out a foot, and is combed back. She has on a silver necklace and two diamond earrings....and a menacing glare in her eye.) Wildcat: (dryly) Um....Aldonza.... Aldonza: (surly) Shut up. I'm only going doing this to get Atom Cat to shut up. Wildcat: No, it's not that. Aldonza: (smiles) What? You think I look nice, too? Wildcat: (wryly) Actually, I was just wondering where you got the jewelry. Aldonza: (falls over) D'OH! (Zorak and Ripley start laughing) Aldonza: (gets up; barks) YOU IDIOT, I PAID FOR IT AGES AGO! (calms down; acts more suave) Besides, what's a female without her wardrobe? Teasy: Intelligent. Aldonza: Are you saying I'm stupid? Teasy: I'm saying you're "diputs". No relation. Aldonza: What's that mean? Teasy: How would I know? I just heard that word today. (Atom Cat gets up and walks toward Aldonza) Atom Cat: Come on. Let's go. Aldonza: Okay, but I won't hold paws unless it's to stop the blood flow. (The two of them walk out the door, and jump to lightspeed seconds later) Wildcat: Teasy, what's "diputs"? Teasy: "Stupid" spelled backwards, but Aldonza doesn't know that yet. Zorak: Heh. (At the "Olive Garden", Atom Cat opens the door) Atom Cat: See? Chivalry isn't dead yet. (Atom Cat closes the door after Aldonza enters....and winds up slicing off one half of his suit) Aldonza: Which is more than can be said for that ugly suit of yours. (Some time passes. They eventually find themselves at their table. Atom Cat is taking in the scent of croquettes) Atom Cat: (sniffs) Say, those flaming croquettes sure smell goo----- (Atom Cat's fur proceeds to catch on fire, and it spreads to his tie. After a little while, he puts it out, but accidently dips his tie into Aldonza's soda) Atom Cat: Care for another drink, Aldonza? Aldonza: No, Atom Cat. If I'm in the mood for another Pepsi, I'll suck it out your tie. Atom Cat: I'll go see if I can wash this stuff out. Be right back. (Atom Cat walks away. After he leaves, Aldonza looks first left, then right, then inhales) Aldonza: (exhales) Ah. Fresh, clean oxygen. (A minute passes. Atom Cat returns, his left eye closed partially) Atom Cat: I can't believe I just lost one of my contact lenses down the sink! Aldonza: (thinking) Somehow, I do. Atom Cat: And the only other glasses I brought are my sunglasses. Aldonza: That's okay. They'll make you look continental. (Atom Cat puts on his sunglasses. They have little palm trees attached to them) Aldonza: (thinking) Kinda like a French dweeb. (The waiter, who resembles a fox, approaches them and faces Atom Cat) Waiter: I'm afraid I must ask you to leave, sir. Atom Cat: What? Did I offend someone or something? Waiter: No, sir. Atom Cat: Then what did I do? Waiter: (takes in the sight of Atom Cat's sunglasses, sliced-up suit, and drenched tie) Since you've been here, you've slipped beneath the dress code. Aldonza: May I stay? (A steamed Atom Cat gets up and stomps out, leaving a grinning Aldonza behind him) Aldonza: Thanks. You have NO idea how much I wanted to get rid of.....(looks at the waiter)....him..... (Hours later, Atom Cat pushes open the door of the Mansion and trudges back in, sans his destroyed outfit; he's back in his traditional getup. No one is around, except for Wildcat, who's staring at a large bright spot in front of him. The room is darkened otherwise) Atom Cat: I give up, Wildcat. Wildcat: Depression. Atom Cat: Females are all alike! Wildcat: Anger. Atom Cat: (grins) To them, I'm just another cute guy in a great suit. Wildcat: Hallucinations. (Atom Cat walks away. Aldonza walks in 10 minutes later. She has a dazed grin on her face) Aldonza: MAN, did I have a great time. Wildcat: I thought Atom Cat told me things didn't work out too well. Aldonza: It didn't. Turns out I met a guy I knew from my days at UNLV. After he got off work, he paid for a three-course meal and took me to a movie. (looks at Wildcat) Enjoying the fire, kid? Wildcat: Yep. (Aldonza walks away, then halts suddenly on Wildcat's next words) Wildcat: Kind of makes me wish we had a fireplace there. IDIOCY ABOUNDS, Part One Aldonza: Here's a double helping of casserole a'la Aldonza, with cranberry sauce on the side. Ripley: Why, thank you so much! (Ripley hands over a video tape) Ripley: (smug) And here's your "Pokemon" video. Aldonza: (groans) Thank you so much. (Curtis is sitting with his head back against a wall, half-asleep) Teasy: Hey, Curtis. You awake? Curtis: (blinks) Yeah, I'm fine. Teasy: You looking at anything? Curtis: Not right now. Teasy: Curtis, are you serious? Curtis: Well, to be honest, there was a spider on the ceiling a few minutes ago.... Ripley Jr.: Why do girls always smell so good, Aldonza? Aldonza: (smug) We wear perfume. Ripley Jr.: Sounds kind of sissified to me. Aldonza: (mutters) I get this from a gender that likes to tattoo themselves. Man: Atom Cat, may I ask you for advice? Atom Cat: Huh? Man: My name is Ted. I'm planning to take the voluntary layoff package. Then I plan to use my retirement money to start a business that makes kites out of waffles! In five years I hope to be the world's largest maker of edible kites. So, what do you think? I value your opinion. Atom Cat: Ted, who told you that I'd be a good person to ask for an opinion on your idea? Ted: Aldonza said it reminded her of the quality of your.....ideas....(realizes something).....Oh. (Later, in Aldonza's cubicle, Atom Cat and Ted are staring angrily at her) Aldonza: (pumps a fist) ALDONZA SHOOTS FOR THE DOUBLE!!! SHE SCORES!!! Boss: If the water company can pipe water to my house, why can't the toothpaste company do the same? The toothpaste factory should have a pipe to every home so you can turn a faucet.....and don't even get me started about pudding. Wildcat: (angrily; thinking) Meteor....meteor....meteor....meteor.... (Aldonza is sitting on the railing of the second-floor balcony, chatting in a cellular phone. She puts it away after a few minutes) Aldonza: My mom told me that she was always hearing kids setting off firecrackers back in Albany. Last night, I imagined the same thing.... Atom Cat: Actually, you locked Wildcat out of the Mansion last night on accident. Aldonza: (lowers her head) Oh. (Wildcat and a few others are sitting with some people in a doctor's office. A secretary opens the door from the inside) Secretary: Leo Flooker! Is Leo Flooker here? Wildcat: Leo died waiting to see the doctor. Aldonza: Hey, Zorak, could you get the dishes in the dishwasher for me? Zorak: Sure. (walks over to the dishwasher) Half-load, or full load? Aldonza: Full. Zorak: (does so) Half-cup detergent, or full-cup? Aldonza: Full. Zorak: (does so) Plates first, or glasses? Aldonza: Plates! Zorak: (does so) Wash cycle, or spin cycle? Aldonza: ?! (rushes over to the dishwasher, sets it to wash cycle) I DON'T CARE! JUST TURN THE STUPID THING ON! (As Aldonza stomps away, Zorak pushes a button on the dishwasher, which abruptly starts up) Zorak: Anything else I can help you with? (Atom Cat hisses at Wildcat, who then follows him into another room) Atom Cat: (hisses quietly) I built a fake video surveillance camera. Install it in the kitchen so that no one steals stuff out of it at night anymore. It's cheaper than a real camera, and it will discourage thefts. Wildcat: (responds in kind) If you treat us like criminals, we'll leave. Atom Cat: (responds in kind) Good point. You'd better hide the fake camera so no one knows it's there. (Later, Wildcat walks up to a trash can, tosses the camera in the trash, and walks away, humming the whole time) (Wildcat's munching on a chicken leg) Aldonza: Wildcat, you're a fat, arrogant, lazy pig. Wildcat: (yowls) WELL, EXCUUUUUUSE ME! (Kyle is standing in front of a loaf of bread) Kyle: Hey, Ripley, have you seen my katana anyplace? (Wildcat walks past him, but stops at the loaf of bread long enough to **SLASH** it into countless slices) Kyle: Never mind! (Several cats are gathered on the couch, watching a basketball game) Cat #1: This game is going into triple overtime.... Teasy: (yawns) Yeah, it must be midnight where they're playing. Cat #2: I'm surprised the crowd is still there..... Wildcat: Yeah. They should go home and feed their cat. Wildcat: My password for the network isn't working. Speedy: Fill out a help request online. Wildcat: (slowly) I can't get online because my password doesn't work.... Speedy: Send me an E-mail message about it. Wildcat: (freaks out; color-shifts to black) I CAN'T SEND E-MAIL BECAUSE I CAN'T GET ON THE STINKING NETWORK!!! Speedy: Man, you're worthless... (Two days later at lunch....) Atom Cat: Aldonza, did you hear that Wildcat's network connection isn't working? Aldonza: Uh-oh. Atom Cat: (holds up a French fry) He is what we call a technology "have not." His competitiveness in the global economy will last as long as this French fry. Aldonza: So sad. (Atom Cat scarfs down the fry, and Aldonza turns to an angry Wildcat) Aldonza: After lunch, I'm going to use something called "electronic mail." You can watch if you promise not to touch anything. (Meeting) Wildcat: (holds up a paper) This is a living document. (Suddenly, the boss screams, jumps up, and flees from the room) Aldonza: Next time, just say you plan to update it. Shreeves: (looks at the document in front of him and taps it) Mine's dead. (Atom Cat is setting something up to print) Atom Cat: Gotta hurry. One....two...three... (Atom Cat starts sprinting towards the printer) Atom Cat: (thinking) I have five seconds to get to the shared laser printer. (Too late; Aldonza and Shreeves have beaten him to it) Aldonza: (reading a paper) Guess who saved the Apollo 13 space mission. Shreeves: (reading a paper) Did you know that Atom Cat invented the cursor? (Meeting) Shreeves: Here's my project time line. The "work" portion will take one week.... (Shreeves routinely switches slides on the overhead projector) Shreeves: I'll spend three weeks meeting with people whom you send to me because you don't feel like talking to them yourself. I'll spend eight weeks getting competitive bids from companies that I know I won't select....six weeks to get the wisdom and approval of executives who are too busy to understand the issues. During that time you will randomly reorganize the department and cut my funding. In the final phase I leap to my death, a bitter and broken shell of a lizard. Boss: Is there some sort of manager thing I should be doing now? Shreeves: If I time my leap right you'll just be leaving the building. (Aldonza and Wildcat are sitting against the Mansion) Wildcat: You know, seems to me that we aren't being all that useful out here. We should be inside doing something. Aldonza: We ARE being useful. Wildcat: How's that? Aldonza: If we move, the Mansion's going to collapse. (Meeting) Ripley: I've been asked to facilitate this meeting. I alone will determine who can speak. I'd like to begin with a raw display of my power. You may not speak. (turns to Wildcat) Hey, Wildcat...did you ever hear of a thing called "exercise"? (A few hours later....) Ripley: I think you'll agree that this meeting went smoothly with me as facilitator. The breakthrough was when I realized I was the only one here with anything valuable to say. Let's have a moment of silence to honor me for my brilliant work despite being surrounded by dolts. Aldonza: I don't feel like cooking tonight, guys....(pulls out two forks and an open can)....so we'll have spaghetti and meatballs from the can. (Wildcat takes out the meatballs and stuffs them in her eyes, dumps the spaghetti over her head, sticks the forks in her ears and the open can in her mouth, then walks away) Aldonza: (angrily; spits out the can) In some cultures, they eat cats! Wildcat: Not from the can, I'll bet. Aldonza: Cheer up, Teasy! Let a smile be your umbrella! Teasy: That's what my aunt Edna used to say. At least, until a bolt of lightning blew her dentures clean through the garage door. (Late at night. In the sleeping quarters, Atom Cat, Wildcat, and Aldonza are all half-asleep. Outside, an owl hoots) Atom Cat: What's that sound? Wildcat: (perks up) What sound? Atom Cat: That eerie, low lament of some lifeless monster bent on entering our house and dragging us into the dark night.... Wildcat: (shudders) I think you're seriously exaggerat--- (Abruptly, Aldonza perks up, throws back her head, and howls as loud as she can. This sends Atom Cat and Wildcat clear through the ceiling. Aldonza falls asleep again) Atom Cat: Now, what's THAT sound? Wildcat: Oh, shut up. (Zorak hops by a dozing Wildcat) Zorak: He seems almost lifelike. Wildcat: (opens one eye) I hate you. (Enter with a dream sequence. Wildcat's backing towards a wall, with Aldonza's tail looming in front of him) Wildcat: (shouts) No! No! (Aldonza's tail wraps around him, then slaps him several times in the face. Wildcat suddenly wakes up and sees Aldonza asleep on the couch. He pulls her tail and yanks her off the couch) Wildcat: (shouts desperately) WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!! (Atom Cat and Ripley are drinking coffee at the dinner table. Suddenly, a blast of air sends their hair flying everywhere. Zorak hops by with Aldonza's hair dryer) Zorak: I have a hair dryer, and I'm dangerous! (The cast of "BotI" are gathered at the dining room table, minus Shreeves. Aldonza is passing out dinner grumpily) Aldonza: What is the purpose of my life? I exist to feed you guys!....What's that? A weekend in Hawaii? No, I have to slop Atom Cat. The medal of honor?! No, Wildcat hasn't eaten in three minutes. We're here to remember Aldonza, a fox devoted to opening jars of spaghetti sauces....(screams)...STICK A STAMP ON MY HEAD AND MAIL ME TO LOSERVILLE!!! Ripley Jr.: (holds up his plate) This is cold. -Clincher- (A glass half full of water sits on a table. A nearby sign reads "The four basic personality types") Aldonza: The glass is half full! Kyle: The glass is half empty. Teasy: Half full...no! Wait! Half empty!...No, half....what was the question? Wildcat: Hey! I ordered a cheeseburger! THE INHUMANE SOCIETY Kyle: Blackie, we've gotten some complaints about your hostile behavior. At a recent meeting you crossed your arms. That is unacceptable body language. Blackie: (lowers her eyebrows) Maybe I was cold. Kyle: (points at her face) EYEBROWS! EYEBROWS! Boss: My open door policy is ruining my happiness. Cats stop by all day long and complain. How can I maintain the morale-inspiring illusion of an open door policy without actually having one? Kyle: Use your body language to create a protective bubble of unwelcomeness. Try this stressed-out scowl. (Kyle now looks angry, with his teeth framed in a snarl. Meanwhile, outside....) Atom Cat: Can I go in? Carol: Sure. He has an open door policy. (Inside, both Kyle and the boss have the scowl on their faces. Atom Cat looks a bit nervous) Boss: It's a pleasure to see you. Kyle: We value your input. (Atom Cat runs out screaming) Boss: Stop by any time. Kyle: (thinking) The employees have too much time off. It must be stopped. (yells) I summon my minions from the Underworld to assist me! (Phil walks in through the door) Phil: Eliminate sick days. Make them use vacation days when they're ill. Call it a "time bank." Kyle: It's playful...it's cruel...I like it. (Meeting) Kyle: Video cameras have been installed in all work areas. Employees must wear I.D. badges around their necks. Your Internet and telephone usage will be monitored. Everyone will undergo mandatory drug testing. (thinking) They're not resisting. They're ready for phase two. (out loud) Prepare to be permanently marked by hot irons. Aldonza: Will that hurt? Kyle: I'll be fine. Thanks for asking. And speaking of which, Atom Cat, you're about to experience brand awareness. (A fat man walks in) Kyle: What new evil do you bring me, union steward Stewart? Stewart: Employees should not be allowed to move company computers. That's union work. Kyle: That's old evil. Stewart: It's new if we include PDAs and laptops. Kyle: Teaching them to be lazy, huh? I like the cut of your giblets. Kyle: I fired everyone who used the Internet for personal stuff. The only wrinkle in that policy is that you and I are the only employees left. And frankly, I use the Web for personal stuff, too. Boss: Can you teach me how? Atom Cat: All music on the Internet should be free. Artists could make money from digital tips. Kyle: (walks in) Great idea. We'll do the same thing here with the engineers. (Later, Atom Cat's speaking to Wildcat) Atom Cat: Have you ever noticed that my ideas are only brilliant when applied to other people? Kyle: I'm tired of calling the employees "resources". It's too complimentary. I'm thinking of something along the lines of livestock or human capital. Boss: I don't want them demanding hay. Kyle: Good point. We'll go with human capital. (Wildcat is eating lunch in his cubicle. Kyle comes up behind him) Kyle: Wildcat, employees are not allowed to eat in cubicles. (Hurriedly, Wildcat shovels all the food into his mouth and starts chewing as fast as he can) Kyle: (cringes) I'm going to see that every time I close my eyes! Wildcat: (swallows) You started it. Boss: I read this motivational book and yet the employees still have low morale. Kyle: Maybe you have a defective copy. You should compare it to another one and see what's different. Boss: What if the second one is defective too? Kyle: Sheesh...it's like I'm doing all of your thinking here. DEODORIZER FIGHT Atom Cat: I'm heading to the store for some deodorant. Don't bother me about my choice this time, okay? Zorak: Sure. Ripley: No sweat. (Atom Cat runs out the door.) Kyle: Is he really getting deodorant? Aldonza: He's right, but only to a certain degree. (yawns) I'm going to go upstairs to watch the Mennen Black. Care to join me? Wildcat: No, thanks. Last time I watched it, you didn't make the television screen clean and clear. Aldonza: (skeptical) And how would YOU propose to do it, Gilette? (Wildcat's sword morphs into an orange pole) Wildcat: With my Power Stick. Ripley Jr.: Alright! Enough already! Zorak: What's the matter? Can't take a joke? Teasy: Or two, or three, or four? Aldonza: (laughs) Yeah. For instance, when someone is running and they trip on a branch, that branch is called a Speed Stick. Ripley Jr.: (groans) I think I'll go protect the refrigerator from you guys. Wildcat: You may be the right guard, but you haven't got the edge. (Everyone looks at each other. Ripley and Kyle blink a few times) Kyle: This stinks. WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS..... (Several cats, Atom Cat included, are sitting outside. Each has a cup of coffee on paw) Atom Cat: My coffee's cold. (Teasy glares at him) Atom Cat: Boy, I hate cold coffee. Hate it, hate it, hate it. (Wildcat and Teasy stare at each other, distressed) Atom Cat: Nope, there's nothing in the world worse than cold coffee. (Aldonza slaps her chair's armrests, irritated. Everyone twitches a few times as A.C. rambles on) Atom Cat: I'll bet if I tried as hard as I could, I couldn't possibly think of anything worse than cold coffee. (Teasy, Wildcat, and Aldonza scream simultaneously and throw their coffee cups at him, then bolt from their seats towards the Mansion) Atom Cat: Okay....coffee-drenched fur, maybe. Aldonza: Wildcat, I was thinking about racing you to the mall..... (Wildcat mutters and rolls over in his sleep) Aldonza: ....the problem is, you're so slow you couldn't outrun a slug. Wildcat: (perks up) Hey, you're on! Aldonza: (grins; thinking) My psychology is working! (The two of them get ready) Aldonza: Ready....set....go! (dashes out the door) (As soon as Aldonza runs out the door, Wildcat calmly walks up to it, locks it shut, then turns around and heads back to bed) Wildcat: There's never a need to out-run anything you can out-wit. (The phone rings. Atom Cat picks it up, talks for a few minutes, then hangs up and turns to Wildcat and Zorak) Atom Cat: Mrs. Feeny just called. The two of you are not to set foot on her property again. Understood? (Atom Cat walks away. A few minutes later, the phone rings. Atom Cat picks up the phone, pauses, then walks over to the door) Atom Cat: (opening the door) HEY, YOU TWO! GET YOUR TOES OFF HER LAWN! (Aldonza's sitting on the couch, reading a book) Ripley Jr.: (mutters) She just keeps on reading, totally ignoring my needs. (reaches for her tail) Forcing me to pull the hairs out of her tail. (Wildcat's dozing on the counter) Ripley: Newspaper says there's an ice age coming. It'll be here in two million years. Better start moving to the cellar. Wildcat: (blandly) Ha, ha, ha. Boss: Atom Cat, your performance is slipping again. This calls for my most severe disciplinary action. (pulls out a lunch bag) (Five minutes later, Atom Cat walks out. His eyes are bugged out, and his fur's standing on end) Wildcat: (furious) HE MADE YOU WATCH HIM EAT? Shreeves: (angry; yells at the boss) Monster! Boss: A hacker broke into our system and found out our corporate strategy. Aldonza: Did he post it on the Internet? I'd like to read it. I'm also curious about my objectives for this year. Do you have the guy's E-mail address? Ripley: Aldonza, your boss asked me to counsel you about your abuse of co-workers. The theory is that I can alter your personality by talking to you. (Aldonza starts getting angry) Ripley: If you feel a tingle, that's probably your DNA changing. Wildcat: (muttering to himself) Why should I have to catch an innocent little mouse? I have nothing against him. In fact, he's kinda neat.... Aldonza: (barks, from the next room) If you don't catch that mouse, I'm putting you out in the cold! Wildcat: (grins) The furry twerp dies. (Wildcat's walking along, his fur standing on end. He approaches Aldonza) Wildcat: I'm assuming the electric cookie jar was your idea. Zorak: You know, Atom Cat, life is full of questions. Who am I?....what is life's purpose?.....why is Aldonza's tail stuck in the VCR? Atom Cat: I can't look. (Teasy's trying to sleep on the couch, but can't) Teasy: (mutters) Blast it....I just can't get comfortable....(a thought comes to mind)...Hey, wait a second! (Teasy walks away, then reappears a few seconds later with Aldonza's pillow. He falls to sleep with it as Aldonza walks onscreen, steaming angry) (Aldonza is taking dishes out of the dishwasher) Aldonza: I wish I could find where Wildcat's hiding so I could take him to the vet. He's sure hiding in a good place. (Aldonza turns her back and starts putting dishes away; and Wildcat crawls out of the back of the dishwasher, looking rather bedraggled) Wildcat: A good place---not a smart place, but a good place. Mailman: I hate to bother you, Aldonza, but you put insufficient postage on your package. Aldonza: What package? Mailman: (holds up a box with Atom Cat inside) This cat you're sending to Abu Dhabi. Aldonza: (turns her head) ZORAK! Ripley: (trying to eat dinner) Stop hanging around, Wildcat. You can have any food that falls on the floor. (Wildcat gets under the table and lifts up one end of it, and all the food comes crashing to the floor) Ripley: I hate you. Wildcat: I can live with that. (In a cubicle...) Atom Cat: Did you finish the vendor comparision that you promised you'd give me today? Man: No. I'm one of those people that needs to be threatened every day or I won't do anything. Atom Cat: You're very defective. Man: Good start. I'm beginning to feel something. (Half an hour later...) Atom Cat: I need your help yelling at a guy to make him do his job. Boss: Yay! (The two of them return to the man's cubicle) Boss: YOU WORTHLESS, INCOMPETENT BUG! I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD!!! (calms down) How much work did that buy? Man: Two phone calls and a meeting. "STAY TUNED" BITES THE DUST TV: "Moby Dick". Big whale...obsessed sea captain....chase...fight...Ahab buys the farm, Moby swims into sunset. The end. (pauses) Tune in again for "Ten-Second Stories". Ripley Jr.: Next week they're doing "War and Peace". TV: Good morning, boys and girls. Wildcat: Good morning, Uncle Roy. TV: I love you just the way you are. Wildcat: I love you too, Uncle Roy. TV: I also love Mondays. Wildcat: Stick it in your ear, Uncle Roy. TV: Good morning, boys and girls. You are probably wondering where my dog, Bob, is this morning. Wellll....it seems old Bob bit Mr. Blue Jeans the Mailman once too often....so Bob has decided to move to a local research facility to pursue a career as a laboratory animal. Wildcat: And I'm Frank Sinatra. TV: Tonight on "Weird but True", we're interviewing a man with a railroad spike through his head! TV 2: Hi, Bob, glad to be here. TV: So, sir, how exactly did this happen? TV 2: Hi, Bob, glad to be here. TV: Uh...has this affected you in any way? TV 2: Hi, Bob, glad to be here. Teasy: Ask him if he's glad to be here! TV: Welcome to sixty minutes of televised silence. (There is a long pause) TV: Read a book, why don't you? Wildcat: Quality programming. TV: Okay, I admit it. I was wrong. Whaddya want, an apology?! All right, FINE! I'm sorry, do you hear me?!...Sorry! S-OR-R-R-Y!!! Ripley: The weatherman is losing it. TV: We have with us a man who can talk backwards! Good evening, sir... Man on TV: Ih. Aldonza: Elbaveilebnu. TV: Welcome to "Collegiate Face Slapping"! Welcome, gentlemen. Shake hands and come out slapping! *ding* *slap slap slap slap slappy slappy slap slap slappity slappity slap*poink* TV: Uh-oh! We have a penalty flag. So sorry, contestant number one, but your last slap was, in fact, an eye poink. Two points off... TV 2: Two points?! That wasn't an eye poink! HERE'S an eye poink! *poink* TV: And the ref goes down! Teasy: What did we ever do before 32 sports channels? HAVE A NICE TRIP IN THE FALL (Aldonza is looking out the window) Aldonza: I'm bored, you guys. I'm tired of seeing the same old scenery. Do you know what I mean? Kyle: Not really.... (Everyone else is staring at the wall) Teasy: At least you get to see scenery. Aldonza: Guys, there's only one way to shed this shroud of gray that we wear....there's only one path out of this valley of gloom. There's only one sure bet to beat the boreds. Gather your things. We're going on vacation! (Wildcat walks into the room, pushing the refrigerator ahead of him) Wildcat: I'm packed. Let's go! Aldonza: 'fraid not, my friend. Wildcat: Crud. (Later....) Aldonza: (on the phone) Thank you very much. (hangs up) Guys, I had to book our vacation all third-class. I hope you don't mind. Zorak: That's okay. It's still better than this fourth-class existence here. (Later, at the airlines, Aldonza and the others reach the airplane and are greeted by a cheerful stewardess) Stewardess: Welcome to Inversion Layer Airlines, sir. In what section are you traveling? Aldonza: (whispers) Uh...third class. Stewardess: Um...what section, miss? Aldonza: (whispers) Third class. Stewardess: I can't hear you. Aldonza: (barks) THIRD CLASS! Stewardess: (points into the airplane) In the back with the rest of the slime, you vermin! (Cut to inside the airline. The gang is moving towards the back) Aldonza: Why can't I get any respect, you guys? Ripley: In this game, you must BUY respect, my friend. (Several hours pass. The plane has long since departed) Atom Cat: I haven't seen a stewardess in hours, you guys. I'm going to find out what's going on around here. (turns to the skeleton seated next to him) Excuse me, sir, how's the service on this----(Ripley is snickering at this point)----um, never mind. Aldonza: (barks down the hall) Hey! We're getting hungry back here in third-class! WHAT'S TO EAT?! (A large, brown unrecognizable splotch smacks Aldonza and Wildcat in their faces, followed seconds later by small objects that resemble bricks. The two of them wipe the swill off their faces) Wildcat: (grumbles) Hardtack and swill. Yum-yum. I know of something that tastes better than this. (Wildcat reaches up, rips the handle off his suitcase, chews it, and swallows it) Kyle: Not exactly a nutritous meal, pal. Wildcat: It's better than the garbage they have around here, isn't it? Kyle: Good point. (A kid walks by and sticks out his tongue at Wildcat. His mother catches up to him) Mother: Mikey, it's not nice to make fun of people, even though they ARE traveling in third-class. (walks away with Mikey) (Meanwhile, Aldonza is struggling to restrain Wildcat from going on the attack. She has one paw grabbing his tail and the other one in an armlock) Aldonza: NO, WILDCAT! NO! Wildcat: (yowls; struggling) LET ME HURT 'EM JUST A LITTLE BIT! (A few more hours go by. The plane eventually lands. The door on the airplane opens. Atom Cat approaches the door and looks down at the ground) Atom Cat: I know this is just the third-class exit from the plane, but you'd think they'd give us a ladder or something. Aldonza: (sighs) Grab your stuff, guys. I'll fly you down. (Zorak goes down first, followed by Atom Cat, Ripley, Kyle, and Teasy. Last is Wildcat, who is carrying one suitcase without a handle. Aldonza, as expected, as having a hard time hauling him down) Aldonza: (grunts) Eesh! I know you weigh a lot, but what did you have this morning for breakfast? Bricks? Wildcat: (growls) This wasn't really my idea, Aldonza. (Everyone arrives at the hotel and gets their different hotel rooms. Next is Zorak and Atom Cat) Atom Cat: (to clerk) I'd like your cheapest room for me and the mantis. Clerk: Yes, sir. That would be the Jack Benny suite, sir. (The two of them head upstairs) Atom Cat: Zorak, the bed's here and the pool's down the hall. Any questions? Zorak: Yeah. (leaps onto the bed) Where are you going to sleep? Atom Cat: I hate you. (In the other room.....) Aldonza: Well, guys, all I have to do is unpack, and we'll be ready for some R&R. (Aldonza opens her first suitcase. Ripley Jr. leaps out of it, surprising everyone) Ripley Jr.: (stretching) Hey, guys! Aldonza: (blinks, then moans) I don't think I can take any more surprises. (Ripley and Wildcat both peek inside the suitcase, then cringe) Wildcat: In that case, you're better off not knowing what ol' Jr. did to your sport jacket. (A day goes by. Aldonza goes out shopping and organizing a video game tournament. Zorak wanders around, causing havoc. Ripley and Kyle are fighting each other on the roof of the hotel. Teasy heads out to the nightclub for a comedy gig. Meanwhile, Atom Cat is suited up for a trip to the local golf course) Atom Cat: Hey, Wildcat! You ready to go play golf? (Wildcat gets up and walks out of his room, but hastily retreats upon spotting Atom Cat's checkered-and-plaid attire) Atom Cat: Umm....aren't you coming? Wildcat: On second thought, I think I'd rather stay in the room and watch the sink back-up. (Later, on the second hole of the golf course, Wildcat and Ripley Jr. are fighting on one of the sand traps. The manager of the course approaches Atom Cat) Manager: Would you mind observing proper golf etiquette there, mister? Atom Cat: (sighs angrily) I'm sorry, but my friends are driving me crazy. Manager: (points to Atom Cat's golf uniform) It's the outfit I'm talking about. (Three holes later....) (Atom Cat is getting ready to hit the ball onto the green. However, something flares up that breaks his concentration) Voice: ROWWWRR! (Atom Cat jumps, then approaches the source of the noise) Atom Cat: Wildcat! What are you doing in that sand trap? Wildcat: Squatting on a sandbur, thank you. (At a nearby shopping mall, Aldonza is speaking to a small group of people, holding a Game Boy Advanced) Aldonza: ....and those are the rules. Any questions? Male teen: (shouts) MEWTWO SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED IN THIS TOURNAMENT! HE IS A CHEAP SOURCE OF POWER! HE--- (Aldonza's eyes narrow and start glowing yellow) Male teen: AAGH! RUN AWAY! (Aldonza's laser vision fires, scaring the kid away) Aldonza: (sighs) Mewtwo rocks, kid. Enough said. (turns to the others) Got any questions that AREN'T official protests? Female teen: Yeah! Are Gameshark-ed Pokemon allowed in this tournament? Aldonza: Let me put it this way: if I see a Pikachu using Hyper Beam, I'll hang you on top of the flagpole outside the mall. Female teen: (disgruntled) Oh. (walks away) (That night, at the nightclub, Teasy walks on-stage.) Teasy: Greetings, ladies and germs! (A cascade of pie rains down upon him) Teasy: Thank you for that generous round of *spluts*! But anyway....what shall I do for you tonight? Sing? (Someone throws an orange at him. He dodges it quickly) Teasy: Tell jokes? (Teasy is nearly hit by one of the tables) Teasy: Dance? (There is no response. Teasy starts doing a rapid tap-dance on the stage) (Three nights later, Aldonza walks into the hotel room) Aldonza: It's been a great vacation, you guys, but I think it's time we went ho-----WHAT THE?! What happened to you guys? (Atom Cat, Wildcat, Ripley Jr., and Teasy are sprawled throughout the room. Atom Cat is holding his stomach) Wildcat: (groans, then chuckles weakly) The last people who stayed here had set Room Service on the auto-dial. (Late the next day, everyone finally gets back to the Mansion. Aldonza starts to open the door) Aldonza: At last. Home sweet home----AAGH! (A wave of water washes everyone away) Aldonza: (soaking wet; snaps) Okay, who left the faucet running? Atom Cat: I didn't want my sponge collection to dry out. Aldonza: (pounds the ground) You guys are hopeless! GOIN' TO WORK, Part One Co-worker: Smile, Aldonza. It won't hurt. (Aldonza glares at him; the co-worker abruptly shouts and falls over. Later, at lunch hour...) Aldonza: I found out I can make people faint by looking at them. Wildcat: (groans) I wondered why you were smiling. (At a meeting...) Teasy: What's the worst thing that could happen? Atom Cat: Our beta product could turn into an evil robot that annihilates the galaxy. (At home...) Atom Cat: Apparently, I don't know what "worst" means. Ripley: (to the boss) If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish, he will buy an ugly hat. And if you talk about fish to a starving man, then you're a consultant. Ripley: (to the boss) I can teach you to manage your time more efficiently. Put all of your high priorities on one list and your low priorities on another. Then do everything on both lists even if it kills you. Otherwise, you're a freakin' loser. (The boss is standing near a wall, reading something. Atom Cat walks by with a strange device connected to his ear) Atom Cat: You're an ignorant maggot. You disgust me. You should get a face transplant from a baboon. Boss: (upset) What?! Atom Cat: I'm not talking to you. I'm using my hands-free phone. Boss: Oh...for a minute I thought...well, never mind. Atom Cat: (resumes talking while facing the boss) Ha, ha! You must be the most gullible moron in the galaxy! (pauses, shouts) YOU POINTY-HAIRED, GRAY-SUITED PILE OF CRUD!!! (The boss turns around, angry) Atom Cat: (pretends to press a button on the phone) Mom, can you hold? My excellent boss wants to talk to me. (to the boss) What is it? Boss: (angrily) No personal phone calls on company time! Cat with spiked haircut: Dude, why haven't you answered my E-mail? Wildcat: Your message was so poorly written that I didn't understand it, and I didn't dare to start a dialogue. Cat: (upset) Maybe I should have a talk with your boss. Wildcat: Maybe you should E-mail him. Boss: Shreeves, your status report is just a bunch of buzzwords strung together. Shreeves: I've been giving you that same status report every week for eleven years. Five years ago, you adopted it as our mission statement. (The sentence finisher...) Aldonza: I think I should take--- SF: Money from orphans? Aldonza: (upset) No, I mean I need-- SF: A large sack and an alibi? Aldonza: (angrily) You're finishing my sentences with-- SF: Uncanny accuracy? Boss: Aldonza, would you read the minutes from our last meeting? Aldonza: (reading something) People said irrelevant things. Bad decisions were made. Men are idiots. Boss: (stern) I don't remember that last part. (Atom Cat falls asleep as he says this) Aldonza: It was implied. Boss: Does anyone have any ideas for boosting morale? Atom Cat: (raises his hand, then lowers it) The employee potluck lunch that we had last year was almost perfect, but we only did it once and some people had schedule conflicts. I call my idea the "Permanent virtual individual employee potluck", or P.V.I.E.P. for short. Every day, each employee brings a small meal in a bag and eats it whenever he gets hungry. Boss: You already do that. Atom Cat: And look how happy I am! Boss: Okay. Who is going to organize the P.V.I.E.P.? Atom Cat: (indicates Aldonza, who gets upset) Well, Aldonza hasn't helped yet... (Meeting....) Boss: I'm happy to announce that we're being acquired by a foreign company. (indicates an overhead projector which says: "Merger of equals") Don't worry that they'll dominate us. This will be a merger of equals...except that they make money and we don't; their CEO will lead the combined company...and every one of them is a giant...and they've developed their latent psychic abilities so they can cause pain from a distance...(puts his hands to his head) GAAA!! I'M SORRY I SAID TOO MUCH! YOU ARE MY MASTER!! (Aldonza looks rather worried) Shreeves: (to Atom Cat) Aren't you worried? Atom Cat: Not really. If they read my mind, they'll all go blind. (At a Creative Design exercise...) Man: Each team has one hour to design and build a mock-up...(points at a box full of misc. materials)...using these common materials. Wildcat: Question: doesn't this sort of exercise usually get dominated by the worst team member? Boss: Don't worry. We can just ignore Aldonza's suggestions. (Meeting) Speedy: (stands up) I just found out that the committee across the hall is doing the same thing we are. All we can do now is hum "West Side Story" and have a dance-fight. (does an impromptu jig in front of the door and starts humming) Atom Cat: (to the boss) Can you teach me how to hum? Boss: ...and the most critical part of your objective is....*mumble, mummble, mummble* Wildcat: (turns around in his chair) Huh? Boss: *mumble, mummble, mummble* Wildcat: (gets up) I'll be right back. I need an interpreter who speaks Mumble. (leaves) (30 seconds go by. Wildcat returns to his cubicle with a co-worker alongside him) Wildcat: (to the boss) This is Allen. He speaks fifty management languages including Jargon, Weaselese, and Mumble. Boss: *mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble* Allen: *mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble* (They go on like this for a few seconds. Allen then turns to Wildcat) Allen: I'm a bit rusty with the pointy-haired dialect, but I think he wants you to line dance in a gazebo. (Meeting) Boss: We have too many empty cubicles. It frightens our customers. Each of you will adopt an empty cubicle and decorate it to appear occupied. (Later, Atom Cat and Shreeves are walking down a hallway) Atom Cat: My imaginary employee will be a Frenchman named Phil de Cube. Shreeves: Nice. -Clincher- Boss: Atom Cat, it's your turn to be in charge while I'm on vacation...but whatever you do, do not sit in my chair. It wouldn't be right. (The boss leaves. Atom Cat enters the boss's office and glares at the chair) Atom Cat: My arch-nemesis, led the shedding begin! (sits down and boots up the computer) (The next day...) Atom Cat: Carol, I'm filling in for the pointy-haired boss, so that makes you my secretary. Carol: (angrily) I'm an administrative assistant, you idiotic baboon! I will make you pay dearly for your arrogance! Atom Cat: (holds up a coffee cup) Could you put a head on this? (Two days later...) Wildcat: (typing something) How do you like sitting in for the boss? Atom Cat: It's easy. All I do is walk around and make people loathe me while I avoid making decisions. Wildcat: That's all you ever did before.... Atom Cat: Apparently, I was grossly underpaid. (At a meeting later...) Atom Cat: My first act as temporary boss is revamping our project status color codes. Red, yellow, and green will be replaced by white, off-white, and eggshell. (turns to the others) I have to confess, it was embarrasssing to realize I only have one idea. (A few more days go by. The boss returns and re-enters his office, sitting down in his chair) Boss: (thinking) I'm refreshed from my vacation. I'm calm and relaxed. Carol: (walks in) Atom Cat sat in your chair. (Some time passes. Two men in vacuum-suits and helmets exit the office, dragging the chair with them. A third man is speaking to the boss, who looks rather unnerved and blanketed) Man: Not only did his claws and fur ruin the upholstery, but it looks like we'll have to burn your suit, too. IDIOCY ABOUNDS, Part Two (Everyone is sitting around the living room, looking bored) Ripley: (glancing at a clock) At this room, time enters a no-passing zone. (Aldonza is sitting on her bed, playing her Game Boy Advanced. Ripley Jr. walks up to her) Ripley Jr.: I got a question, Aldonza. What's it like being an adult? Aldonza: Well, it's not too different from being a kid...(indicates her GBA)...except you're more attached to your toys. (Atom Cat walks into the Mansion's courtyard, holding a whistle) Atom Cat: This is my latest invention, people. I call it the Lunatic Whistle. I'll demonstrate. (blows on the whistle, which makes a loud noise) Kyle: What's so amazing about THAT? It sounds like an ordinary whistle to ME. Atom Cat: It can only be heard by ugly cretins. Kyle: (angrily) I'll get you if you step outside the Mansion, Atom Cat. (Atom Cat is sitting on the couch, talking to himself) Atom Cat: All mammals have hair. Whales are mammals...therefore, whales have hair. (There is a pause.) Atom Cat: Shave the whales. (A human visitor to the Mansion has a chat with Kyle...) Woman: Mind if we held hands? Kyle: We'd better not...Wildcat's around here someplace. Woman: What's a cat got to do with anything? Kyle: He's a bit prudish. He won't allow it in his home. Woman: (laughing) HIS home?! He's a cat! YOU'RE superior to him! (laughs) A cat is just a stupid hairball! YOU must be a first-class wimp! (laughs some more) (Meanwhile, Wildcat walks into the Mansion, armed with the garden hose) Kyle: With my blessings, Wildcat. (A muscular man with long hair and a war hammer walks into the Mansion) Man: Greetings, Teasy. (Teasy screeches, then turns around and sees him) Man: I am Thor! Teasy: Get some athpirin. Thor: We're looking for some new Norse gods to update our image. Your name came up. It's the same way I got started. I worked my way up from "god of static cling". Teasy: (looks over the list) Hmm..."god of Velcro" looks interesting. (Later, Kyle is staring at Teasy. The cat's wearing a toga over his usual attire) Teasy: Don't laugh. I put your name in for "god of mayonnaise". (Aldonza is watching TV) TV: The weather today will be partly cloudy with a chance of rain. Atom Cat: (walks by) If you need me, I'll be outside rotating the tire on my unicycle. (After he leaves...) Aldonza: And the feline scientist today will be partly dippy with a chance of stupid. (Ripley Jr. is chasing Teasy throughout the Mansion. The two of them come to a halt behind Wildcat's chair and start duking it out. During the fight, something flies out and lands near the wall: several black stripes.) Wildcat: (blinks) (Teasy walks over, picks up the stripes, and straps them onto the brown fur of his arms. He then snarls angrily, pretends to roll up a sleeve, then marches behind the chair and resumes fighting) Wildcat: (returns to reading a book) I saw nothing. ------- Wildcat: You know, I'd almost forgotten you could do that. Teasy: (shrugs) Don't ask, won't tell. Family secret. ------- (Wildcat is pointing at Aldonza's breakfast) Wildcat: Do you want the rest of that cereal? Aldonza: (sighs disgustedly) Wildcat, you've just had a dozen doughnuts, six pancakes, a box of "Golden Grahams", and a quart of milk. Wildcat: So, what's your point? (Aldonza is sound asleep. Kyle walks in and pulls a blanket off the bed.) *SHOOF* (The fox is still asleep. Kyle pulls the second blanket off.) *SHOOF* (STILL asleep, albeit a bit uncomfortably) *SHOOF* (Kyle stands back, the mattress and both pillows in his hands) Aldonza: (completely awake) ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! I'LL FIX YOUR BREAKFAST!! (Wildcat is flattened against the floor. Ripley walks by) Ripley: Nobody can relax like you, Wildcat. How do you do it? Wildcat: (weakly) Slipping while swinging from the light fixture helps. (Aldonza is standing at one end of a long table, putting a bowl of cereal and a dish of pancakes on it) Aldonza: Breakfast, Wildcat! **squeaka, squeaka, squeaka** (Wildcat rolls into view, pushing himself along on a skateboard. However, he finds himself unable to stop, and he falls right off the table. The cat pulls himself up weakly and grabs the collar of Aldonza's shirt) Wildcat: (weakly) Do be so kind as to level the table, would you please? (Atom Cat walks into the room, and is startled when he sees Teasy's head flattened on 2 sides. Teasy eventually recovers and walks away. Meanwhile...) Atom Cat: Jr., put those cymbals away! Ripley Jr.: (sulks) I can't have any fun. (Ripley spins around suddenly at an annoying crunching sound. The maniac spots Wildcat sitting nearby) Ripley: (annoyed) Wildcat, what on Earth are you crunching on? Wildcat: (holds up an empty cup) Your coffee. (Wildcat walks into his room, sits down, and grabs his alarm clock. He begins pressing the "hour" and "minute" buttons on them rapidly) (Two minutes pass. Wildcat is still pressing those two buttons repeatedly.) (Another few minutes pass. Wildcat is humming something to himself as he continues setting the clock.) (Another two minutes. Wildcat is still pressing the buttons; and then, abruptly, the alarm clock explodes and falls apart) Wildcat: Perfect. (falls asleep) Atom Cat: (rooting through a cabinet) I'm looking for just the right cologne...that, when coupled with my personality, will render women helpless! Zorak: Maybe you should try chloroform. (Speedy is sitting at the kitchen table, next to an operational toaster and a jar of jelly. Wildcat walks in, armed with a paint roller. He sticks the roller in the jelly, then spreads it over the ceiling. Wildcat then tosses the roller away and grabs a plunger. Several seconds pass, and the toast pops out of the toaster---and hits the ceiling, right where the jam is. Wildcat uses the plunger to remove the toast from the ceiling.) Wildcat: Toast a la plunger. Speedy: (sarcastic) Yum, yum. (There is a knock at the door. Speedy gets up to answer it. Upon opening the door, he sees a large reptilian-like creature with clawed feet standing at the door) Speedy: (turns around) Hey, Atom Cat! Your date's here! (Ripley Jr. is watching Atom Cat prepare for a date. The cat's wearing a checkered suit that has a bulge on one side) Atom Cat: I'm almost ready for my date---(notices the bulge)---Huh? (Atom Cat opens up the pocket on his suit, and a mess of crumbs and banana-flavored pudding spills out of it) Ripley Jr.: (grins) THAT'S where I hid the banana cream pie! (Ripley walks towards Wildcat's bed with a megaphone. He lifts one of the blankets, and.... Ripley: GOOD MORNING, WILDCAT! (Ripley then walks away. The blankets are trembling violently) Wildcat's voice: (nervously) There goes the cruelest man alive. ---------------------- Ripley: "Alive" in what sense, Wildcat? Wildcat: (angrily) Just following what it says in the book. Bear with me here, okay? ---------------------- (Aldonza walks into the living room, but is shocked to find that almost everything in the room has been damaged or destroyed. She sees something else...) Aldonza: (angrily) Ripley JR.! (The aforementioned R. Jr. walks in, carrying an axe) Ripley Jr.: (upset) Oh, sure! Blame me! (Aldonza is in the kitchen mixing something. Wildcat's sitting on the counter next to the mixing bowl) Aldonza: I love gourmet cooking, you know. Wildcat: If it doesn't move, I'll eat it. Aldonza: Creativity is the key. Wildcat: If it moves a little, I'll eat it. Aldonza: (staring at the mixing bowl) I just can't get the meat loaf inside the danish. Wildcat: To blazes with it...if I can catch it, I'll eat it. (Speedy is staring at a copy machine, fiddling with the controls) Speedy: Quantity...two-sided...reduced to 98%...collated...with staple...portrait...two colors...darken... legal size paper... **thip** **crinkle** **spoit** (A wad of paper shoots from the machine and bounces off Speedy's forehead. Later...) Woman: If you want a photocopy, set "thip, crinkle and spoit" to "no". Speedy: It makes copies, too? (Meeting) Boss: The company cares deeply about the effects of long hours and stress on the co-workers, so they're paying nearly $200 to have an expert on stress-reduction give a talk during lunch. Shreeves: (to Atom Cat) Just when you think they don't care, something like this comes along. Boss: It's scheduled for last Tuesday. -Clincher- (The doorbell rings) Aldonza: (busily) Zorak, see who's at the door. (Zorak hops towards the door and opens it and is greeting by a man in a gray work uniform) Man: Hi. I'm from the "Big Ball Wrecking Company". I have a work order to destroy this Mansion. Zorak: (looks over the work order) Looks like you have the wrong address. This is Michigan AVENUE. Michigan STREET is clear across town. Man: (upset) I don't have time to drive over there. Would it be a bother if I just leveled this house instead? Zorak: That would be a tad inconvenient. Try the Johnsons, next door. (A half hour later...) Aldonza: What was that loud noise? Zorak: Apparently, the Johnsons aren't home. RODENTS ALIVE (Wildcat is sitting in front of a mouse hole. Aldonza deposits some cheese near it) Aldonza: It's time you earn your keep around here, Wildcat. There's a mouse hole and there's some cheese. You know what to do. (walks away) Wildcat: I certainly do. (Wildcat eats the cheese) (Wildcat is watching a mouse hole. A slice of cheese is sitting near it. Suddenly, a large clawed hand reaches from the mouse hole and grabs the cheese) Wildcat: (gets up and walks away) Live and let live, I say. Atom Cat: Wildcat, there's a mouse in the Mansion, and I'm just sick about it. (holds up a jacket) It chewed a hole in my jacket. (throws the jacket behind him) I want you to catch it and kill it. Wildcat: Now I'M sick about it. (Later...) Wildcat: Morning, mouse. Mouse: Good morning, cat. Wildcat: Make yourself at home. Mouse: Gladly. (The mouse steps towards a sandwich, but stops on a glare from Wildcat) Wildcat: But first, some house rules... (Aldonza is making Wildcat lunch) Aldonza: Okay, Wildcat, here's your lunch---(a mouse runs out of a nearby cereal box)---WHAA?! Wildcat: That must be the surprise at the bottom of the box. Atom Cat: (glancing at a mouse hole) Okay, a dinky little mouse hole. I have no problem with that. (Atom Cat turns around---and is shocked to find a mouse hole HIS size) Atom Cat: Now THAT'S a problem. Teasy: (walks towards a wall, then halts abruptly) Uh-oh...Aldonza's not going to be happy about this. (Teasy indicates a mouse hole, as well as a series of holes going up with the wall with ledges jutting out of them) Teasy: They've gone condo. (Wildcat is reaching into the mouse hole, trying to grab the mice and pull them out. However, he hears a "scribbling" noise, and pulls his arm out. The words "cats stink" are written on his arm) (Wildcat and a mouse are walking calmly across the floor) Wildcat: (no emotion in his voice) Stop, vermin. Mouse: (the same) Eek. Wildcat: You'll never escape. Mouse: Help, help. (The two of them fall asleep on the floor) Zorak: (disgusted) One of the great chase scenes. Atom Cat: Why are people afraid of mice? Mouse: Bad press, I guess. Atom Cat: Maybe it's because mice carried the Black Plague in 1348. Mouse: I don't know what you're talking about. Atom Cat: As I recall, half of Europe died. Mouse: Picky, picky, picky. CAMP MORONIC (Wildcat, Aldonza, Atom Cat, and Ripley Jr. are standing around a small campsite. Atom Cat's carrying a bag of supplies) Atom Cat: Survival is my life, you guys. Watch me set up camp. (begins dragging out supplies and setting them up with a flourry) First we unpack our food, then roll out our sleeping bags, build the campfire, and finally, set up the tent! (settles down) Let's see now. What have I forgotten? (What he doesn't see is that the tent has been set upside down, with Aldonza's tail hanging out of it; the campfire has been set too close to Atom Cat's sleeping bag, lighting it; and the food is sitting too close to the edge of a forest, allowing a grizzly bear to reach in and take what he wants) Ripley Jr.: To notify our next of kin? (Cut to an hour later. The earlier problems have been solved.) Atom Cat: Well, here we are camping. Isn't it perfect? Aldonza: I disagree. Atom Cat: The tent is perfect, the view is perfect...everything is perfect! Ripley Jr.: It's not perfect yet. (An abrupt rainstorm begins to fall, drenching everyone) Wildcat: (sarcastic) Now it's perfect. (A day goes by. Everyone is crammed into the tent) Atom Cat: This rain will end someday, guys. We just gotta have a sense of humor about this... Wildcat: (moans) I'll never be dry again. Atom Cat: (startled) Hey! There's a carp in my knapsack! Aldonza: Where's your sense of humor, Atom Cat? Ripley Jr.: Hey, guys...I think we have some snacks in the car. Wildcat: What are you trying to tell us? Ripley Jr.: Go get them for me, could ya? Wildcat: Sure. No problem. (Wildcat unhooks the tent from the ground and uses it as a raincoat as he goes off to get the snacks) (Eight hours go on by. The tent has been set back up) Atom Cat: The firewood's getting wet, Aldonza. Go get it. Aldonza: (sleepily) No way. Atom Cat: (hisses) I said, go get it! Aldonza: Okay! Okay! (A few seconds go by. Aldonza walks back in carrying what looks like to be brown, limp washcloths) Aldonza: Your firewood, bwana. Atom Cat: (meekly) Oops. (About twelve hours go by) Wildcat: Go outside and see if it's still raining, Junior. Ripley Jr.: (mutters) Yes, Sahib. (steps outside for a second) Hey, good news! It stopped raining! (Jr. walks back in. He has a clump of snow on his head) Ripley Jr.: It's snowing. (The next day, Atom Cat looks out the window and sees that it has stopped raining. There is a large puddle right outside the tent) Atom Cat: Hey! It stopped raining! Let's go hiking, everyone! (Atom Cat dons a hat and steps outside---and sinks down into the puddle until all that can be seen is his hat) Wildcat: (leans outside; points out the puddle to Ripley Jr.:) See what happens when you don't have sidewalks, Junior? (A few days go by. The rainstorm has made its presence known once again. Aldonza gets up, runs around outside for five seconds, then runs back into the tent and shakes all the water out of her fur) Everyone else: YAAAH! (A few more days go by) Atom Cat: Aldonza, go outside and check for bears, please. Aldonza: (disgusted) Sure. Why not? (A minute passes by) Aldonza's voice: No...there are no bears out here... (A clawed Aldonza staggers into the tent) Aldonza: Just pumas. (Cut to the next day. A pack is sitting next to the tent. Atom Cat puts his hand out and tests for rain as Wildcat opens up the pack to look for something) Atom Cat: That was quite a rainstorm...I hope none of the food got wet. (Wildcat pulls a giant water-logged cracker out of the pack) Wildcat: Saltine? (Two more days go by. It is finally time to go, and everyone is gathered around the car) Aldonza: Okay, so it rained for two weeks. We still had fun, didn't we? (Aldonza opens the door to the car, and a small wave of water washes everyone away) Aldonza: (calls after them) Okay, so I forgot to roll the window up...(uses her tail to blow-dry the car clean) (An hour goes by. Aldonza's driving the car home, and everyone else is sitting next to her up front) Aldonza: You know what I'm looking forward to after camping, guys? A nice hot shower. (A smiling grizzly bear perks up behind them in the rear of the car. No one notices) Aldonza: And from the smell of things, you guys could use one, too. (A short amount of time passes. Everyone accept Wildcat is carrying supplies towards the front door) Aldonza: Camping was sure fun, wasn't it? I wish we could camp just one more night... Wildcat: That can be arranged. (Wildcat and Atom Cat bolt into the house, slamming and locking the door behind them) Atom Cat: (from behind the door) Enjoy! GETTING TO THE FAR SIDE (A sign reads "Classic Conversation Stoppers". Aldonza and Ripley Jr. are sitting on a sofa. One by one, various characters walk on-screen and sit in the chair across from them, recite a line, then walk away) Speedy: "Contagious? Contagious?" I ask him. "Really contagious," he tells me. Kyle: So starting today, I'm quitting my medication! I don't care about homicidal tendencies! Aldonza: So I looked up and I found out that the doctor was a ventriloquist, and it was his DUMMY that was giving me the exam. Teasy: You're sitting in it now. (Ripley is standing behind the front door with a hideous-looking dog mask on his face. Wildcat calmly strolls through the door, then suddenly jumps away, screeches, and scampers off. Ripley gets rid of the mask) Blackie: And what was THAT supposed to be? Ripley: That was one of many games that you can play with cats. (Atom Cat is fooling around with various controls in a laboratory. Wildcat walks in) Wildcat: Can I come in? Atom Cat: Sure. But whatever you do...(points towards an aquarium, which has a shark-sized fish inside it)...I don't want to catch you bothering the fish. (Aldonza is running down a street. A few meters behind her, a street cleaner is trying to wash her away with a huge jet of water) (Atom Cat and Ripley Jr. are outside near a large fence, listening to a nearby bird's singing) Atom Cat: By use of song, the male sparrow stakes out his territory. It's an instinct common in the lower animals. (The view zooms out. There are fences all over the place.) (There is a knock on the door. Blackie and Kyle walk over and look through the window. It's a human-sized roach.) Blackie: Don't let him in! It's a giant, hideous insect! Kyle: Oh, calm down. Maybe it's a giant, hideous insect in need of help. ------ Zorak: (off-screen) Who are you talking about over there? Blackie: Quiet, you. It's not important. ------ GOIN' TO WORK, Part Two Boss: I'm asking everybody to quantify their contributions to revenue. Your pay will depend on it. (hands Shreeves a document) I realize this is hard to quantify because you're designing future products, but... Shreeves: (writes something down and hands the document back to him) Here you go. Boss: (looks at the writing) A billion dollars? It's as if you cynically believe we can't track these numbers. Shreeves: That crossed my mind. (At a meeting...) Boss: You should all follow Atom Cat's example of how he quantifies his contribution to revenue. Atom Cat: Basically, I assumed my project would fail without me. Therefore all the revenue it generates can be attributed to me. Wildcat: Aren't we all on the same project? Atom Cat: Yes, but evidently we're not all equally valuable. (Meeting) Boss: From now on, this is going to be a fun organization. Shreeves: When are you leaving? (Later, the lizard leaves the meeting with Wildcat. Shreeves looks bedraggled) Shreeves: I had no idea that a rubber chicken could hurt so much. Boss: (enters Atom Cat's cubicle) I need a quick estimate for how much your next project will cost, Atom Cat. Atom Cat: How should I know? You haven't even told me what my next project is. Boss: That's okay. I only need a rough estimate for planning purposes. Atom Cat: (eyes narrow) I see where this is going. You're going to turn my wild guess into a budget. Later I'll be blamed when it's wrong. Boss: (smiles reassuringly) No, no. I won't hold you to these numbers. Atom Cat: Well...(calms down) Okay. Let's say two million dollars. Boss: (walks away) Ooh. I can't afford that. I'll put you down for twenty thousand dollars. (Some months later, in the boss's office...) Boss: (upset) You're way over budget. Can you show me the cause? Atom Cat: That depends. Can mirrors reflect your image? (A meeting. A man with a laptop is sitting at the table with various cast members, plus the boss) Man: You're idiots. I quit! (types on the laptop) There. I got myself a high-paying job two miles away. Adios, suckers. (The man gets up and leaves. A second later a teenage girl with long red hair, a set of jeweled clothing items (gauntlets, belt, and shirt collar), and glasses enters, carrying a laptop under one arm) Girl: I'm the new web designer. I hear you're idiots. Where's the Ethernet jack? (The boss enters the new web designer's cubicle) Boss: Lina, I think the Internet may catch on. I wanted to be the first to say that it's a new paradigm. Has anyone beaten me to it? Lina: I wish someone would. Zorak: (hops by) I told you yesterday, and you just ignored me. Lina: Just because the Internet's caught on doesn't mean it's a good thing, you know. Zorak: The more people that think Space Ghost's an ignorant moron with a silly cape, the better. --------------------- (Zorak and the boss leave. An irritated Lina looks up something in a book, then picks up the telephone and dials a number) Lina: Hello? ... Hi, Moltar. Can I speak to Space Ghost? We've found your missing mantis. --------------------- Atom Cat: Is this number accurate? It seems low. Lina: (eyes widen) Why are you attacking me? Stop attacking me! Atom Cat: I think the number is low. Lina: (folds her arms) It's too late to apologize. Now I hate your guts. (Meeting) Boss: You can take 20% pay cuts or I'll have to downsize one of you. I know you're like a family, but...(pauses) Yes, Atom Cat? (Wildcat, Shreeves, Aldonza, and Speedy are pointing at Atom Cat) Atom Cat: Tell us more about the pay cut. That sounds promising. (Boss's office) Aldonza: How about any Tuesday this year? Boss: No, I'm booked. Aldonza: (irritated) You have the highest ratio of unavailability to usefulness I've ever seen. (Later...) Boss: Does that sound like an insult? Kyle: If I could do math, I wouldn't be working in human resources. (The boss walks into a meeting) Boss: Wildcat, can you come with me to a meeting? Wildcat: No. I'm running this meeting and it took three weeks to get everyone together. If I leave now, sixteen people will be wasting their time. Atom Cat: I'll cover for you. Wildcat: You will? Atom Cat: Sure. Just leave your notes, and I'll take care of it. (A few seconds later...) Wildcat: So, what's the meeting about? Boss: It's not exactly a meeting. (walks into a break room; indicates a coffee pot) I need someone to drink the stuff on the bottom and then brew a fresh pot. (At the meeting...) Atom Cat: All in favor of leaving before he gets back... (Everyone raises their hands, then leaves. Wildcat then returns to the conference room with a cup of coffee, and sees that everyone is gone) Wildcat: It looks like I'll be exaggerating my accomplishments again this year. (Lina enters Speedy's cubicle) Lina: I think I'm getting pimples on my face. Do you think I should inject a deadly poison into my face to hide them? Speedy: It's only fair that you poison your face, because your face is killing me. (laughs) Lina: (annoyed) The correct answer is "You don't need to." Speedy: Was your mother a shar-pei? Boss: I'm in a bad mood. Maybe I'll feel better if I criticize some employees. (leaves his office and goes to Shreeves' cubicle) I'm doing some recreational criticizing. What do you have for me? Shreeves: E-mail. Boss: You read e-mail like a chimp! Shreeves: (checks something) Aldonza said she needs to talk to you. (Ripley appears in the boss's office. He's wearing a fedora and a backpack, and he has his sword in one hand) Ripley: (to the boss) I will study the culture in your company and make detailed recommendations. (Later, Ripley is standing in Atom Cat's cubicle) Ripley: (jotting down some notes) "The one I call Atom Cat is a docile outcast who eats bananas and drinks brown water." (looks up) Do you mind if I staple this tracking device to your ear? Atom Cat: (drinks some coffee) Not really. Ripley: (jotting down some notes) "The females of the group do all the hunting. The one I call Aldonza stalks her prey." (Facing her computer, Aldonza growls and angrily types something) Ripley: "She pounces. Her razor-sharp words tear the prey to shreds." (Ripley walks over to where Aldonza sent the message. A man is staring at his monitor with a shocked expression, looking burned. Ripley Jr. and one of Ripley's minions are laughing at the scene) Ripley: "The results are gruesome. Only the hyenas are laughing." Guy: If anyone wants my opinion, I'll beat it out of me! Wildcat: I want your opinion. Guy: (pulls on his own tie) Oh yeah? Let's see if I have one! (At the Mansion, Atom Cat's sketching a large organization chart. Ripley is watching close by) Atom Cat: I've created a schematic of office politics in my company. Ripley: Nicely done. Atom Cat: Let's say I want to ruin Ted's career. I could say bad things to Blackie about Ted. Blackie carpools with Lina, and Lina takes yoga classes with Carol. Carol is a secretary for the boss, so Ted would be history. (pauses) Of course, it wouldn't be ethical to test the system. Ripley: (points at something on the chart) Unless you use the Simon-Aldonza-Speedy circuit to get Ted rehired. Atom Cat: (nodding) Yup. (The next day...) Atom Cat: ...and that's why Ted is worthless. (pauses) Hey, where's Simon today? Blackie: He quit. (That night, at the Mansion...) Atom Cat: Why do I listen to you? Ripley: (smiles) Because of a little thing I call charisma. Ripley: You've got to implement a Six Sigma program, or else you're doomed. Boss: (annoyed) Aren't you the same consultant who sold us the worthless TQM program a year or so back? Ripley: I assure you that this program has a totally, totally different name. Boss: (excited) When can we start? (Next day, at a meeting...) Ripley: Every company that used my Six Sigma program increased profits. Except for the ones that were in industry downturns, flat growth industries, or industries that only upturned a little bit. (Later...) Ripley: All of you are selfish and dimwitted, but don't worry. I'll teach you a process that will bog you down in meetings so you can't hurt anything. Shreeves: I can't move my arms! (Everyone else around him has dozed off) (Later...) Ripley: The first step is to identify your problems. Boss: We don't have any problems. What's the second step? (Meanwhile, next to the boss, Aldonza has one sleeve rolled back and is trying to keep her hand held down) Aldonza: (to herself; straining) Must...control...fist... Boss: I hope someone gives me a belt. Wildcat: (panics) AAAGH! E-mail is down! (leaps out of his seat, then grabs his chair to calm himself down) Don't panic...think...how would the ancients handle this? (walks outside his cubicle, then stops and looks thoughtful) I've got combustible materials. I can start some sort of fire. (Lina walks up to him, looking upset) Lina: E-mail is down. Hold me. (Lina hugs Wildcat, who just keeps his arms held straight out) Wildcat: (thinking) I'll keep my arms straight out so I don't seem too eager. Lina: This might be the least satisfying hug of my entire life. (After a few seconds, Atom Cat walks by) Atom Cat: E-mail is working again. (Lina quickly withdraws, looking more cheerful) Lina: So, do you want to have some coffee? Wildcat: Sure! I'll be doing my e-mail. Just drop it off. -Clincher- (Meeting) Boss: Yesterday I needed to ask Wildcat a question, but I couldn't find him. From now on, each of you must inform Carol of your whereabouts at all times. Aldonza: (whispers to Atom Cat) Handle it. (Later, Atom Cat walks by the secretary's cubicle) Atom Cat: I'll be wandering around with my coffee cup. If I find a newspaper, I'll head over to marketing's luxurious break room. Then I'll stop by the cute intern's cubicle to chat with her. (Carol is becoming increasingly irritated) Atom Cat: I stand in her doorway so she can't escape. I think I'm making progress. I'm becoming immune to pepper spray. (Half an hour later, the secretary goes into the boss's office) Carol: I canceled your stupid policy. SOUTH BEACHED WHALE DIET (Wildcat is seen with the front of his head buried in a large bowl of Jell-O. Teasy walks in) Teasy: You really ought to consider dieting, Wildcat. Even your face is getting fat. (Wildcat looks up reflexively. His head is still stuck in the bowl) Wildcat: (muffled) WHOSE face is fat?! Wildcat: (off-screen) Hey, Aldonza! Look at me! I'm in three rooms at the same time! Aldonza: (sighs) It's diet time. Scale: You're fat. Wildcat: (shakes his head) No, no. I'm big boned. Scale: Godzilla was big boned. YOU'RE fat. Aldonza: (sternly) No more snacks for you, Wildcat. Wildcat: (smiling) Fine. Aldonza: (sternly) You are on a strict diet. Wildcat: Whatever you say. Aldonza: And I filled in the tunnel to the refrigerator. Wildcat: (groans) My life is over. (A few days later...) Aldonza: Wildcat, how's the diet going? Wildcat: (licking his lips) Great. Aldonza: (suspiciously) You have frosting on your lips. Wildcat: I pillaged a bake sale. Wildcat: (staring at a lettuce leaf) There has got to be an easier way to lose weight. Kyle: You could exercise. Wildcat: (devours the leaf) Yummy. Wildcat: (holding up a celery stalk; angrily) Celery! If science could find a use for it, we wouldn't have to eat it to get rid of it! (stalks away) Atom Cat: Diet starting to get to you? Aldonza: If you finish your carrot, you may have another! (Aldonza stares at Wildcat with a huge grin on her face. A second later, Wildcat grabs the carrot and sticks it in Aldonza's right ear) Wildcat: Finished. (At breakfast...) Atom Cat: My, my. What's gotten into you this morning? Wildcat: (testy) It's what's not gotten into me. I'm on a diet, you freak. Atom Cat: I thought fat people were supposed to be jolly. Wildcat: (annoyed) They're ecstatic they're not on diets. Atom Cat: Oh, come on. Cheer up. Wildcat: Oh, very well. (uses his fingers to pull the corners of his mouth upwards) (Wildcat is seen halfway into the oven. Aldonza walks in) Aldonza: How's the diet? Wildcat: It's okay. Aldonza: (smiles) I'm really proud of you. Wildcat: Yeah, thanks. Aldonza: (loses the smile) Uh, what are you doing in there? Wildcat: Licking the oven grate. Aldonza: Wildcat, you've done so well on your diet, I've decided to let you cheat a little. (Wildcat grins) Aldonza: Here's an extra carrot stick! (holds it in front of her) (Still grinning, Wildcat takes the carrot stick, rams it up her nose, and walks away) Aldonza: (nasal) Now why nid you noo nat? (Aldonza's sitting at the table. Wildcat walks up to her and grabs her by the shoulders) Wildcat: (snaps) Give me food. Lots of it. Right now. Aldonza: (slowly backs out of the room) Yes, sir. Right away. Wildcat: (smirks) Two words never to describe a cat: "wishy" and "washy". THEORY OF RELATIVITY (Aldonza is chatting on the phone. Teasy is sitting nearby) Aldonza: Hi, Dulcy! How are you, cuz?...Yeah, I'll be here. Come on over....Sure, bring the kids, too... (Teasy's eyes widen) Aldonza: ...okay. See ya later. (hangs up) Okay, Teasy, I---(turns her head) Um, Teasy? (Cut to a spot on Michigan Avenue. Teasy has a suitcase labeled "Tierra del Fuego" and is waiting for a car to pick him up. Later on...) Aldonza: Guys, my cousin Dulcinea is coming to visit, and she's bringing her kids. (folds her arms) So I suggest putting everything you value out of reach. (Twenty minutes later sees Ripley Jr. sitting at the top of a closet alongside a comic book and a small TV) (An hour later, there's a knock on the door. Aldonza answers it, and a gray fox walks through the door. She's trailed by two smaller foxes, one of which is no larger than Aldonza's foot) Aldonza: (high-fives the older fox) Hey, Dulcy! What's up? Dulcinea: The ceiling, but that's not important! I brought Tammy and Charlotte along. The older and younger ones, in case you forgot. Tammy: (high-pitched whiny voice; sniffs) Yoooooooo! It stinks here! It smells like a cat! (From across the Mansion and up the second floor, Wildcat turns over in his bed and wakes up) Wildcat: (sniffs) Yooo! Where's that dog smell coming from? (jumps out of bed and dashes downstairs) Aldonza: (turns and sees Wildcat) Hey, Wildcat. Dulcinea's here to visit. She's brought her kids with her. Wildcat: Terrific. And these little sunburns---I mean, sunspots are going to behave? (A mild squeak catches everyone's attention. The source is the smaller fox, Charlotte) Charlotte: (points at Wildcat) Thatsa ball! Ball! Dulcinea: (eyes water; grins widely) One day old, and she's already spoken her first words! Wildcat: (warningly) And her last. Dulcinea: Oh, come off it. Why don't you like kids? Wildcat: I'll give you three guesses. (Charlotte walks up, leaps onto a nearby chair and gives him a horizontal facelift, whining cutely) Wildcat: And the first two don't count. (shoves Charlotte off and wanders away) I think I'll go to Chicago. (Wildcat opens the front door, revs his speed up to Mach 4, and quickly vanishes. Some time later, Teasy can be seen hiding behind a chair and sipping some soda; he's obviously upset about not being able to find a car. Charlotte and Tammy are wandering around) Tammy: Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...(spots Teasy) There he is! Teasy: (unsheathes his claws) I'm sure your mother has told you not to play with sharp objects. (hisses at them and scares them away, then settles down) Terrific. Aldonza's cousin Dulcinea comes to visit and she's bringing her two mongrels, Tammy and Charlotte. I suppose they're good kids...(sips some soda)...for werewolves. (That night, before dinner, Dulcinea and Aldonza are chatting about something or other. Tammy walks up to her mother) Tammy: Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! I'M HUNGRY! I'M HUNGRY! I'M HUNGRY! I'M HUNGRY! (Sighing, Dulcinea gets up and goes to the kitchen. Zorak and Ripley walk up to Aldonza) Zorak: I have some friends who can see to it she's never heard from again. (The next day, Tammy's bouncing around on a bed. Aldonza sees her) Aldonza: Okay, Tammy, stop jumping on the bed. (Dejected, Tammy gets off. Ripley Jr. walks up, smirks, sticks out his tongue, and starts bouncing on the bed) Tammy: (yells) MOMMYYYYY! (That afternoon, Dulcinea's standing by the door. She has Charlotte in one arm. Tammy's standing next to her) Aldonza: It was nice seeing you again, cuz. Dulcinea: Yeah, we should do this again! (The three of them leave. A split-second later, Wildcat appears at the door and shouts after them) Wildcat: Yeah, let's have lunch...about 10,000 years from now! IDIOCY ABOUNDS, Part Three (Aldonza is crawling along the floor on all fours, occasionally sniffing the air. A few meters ahead of her, Ripley Jr. is about to sit down in a padded chair when he notices a Game Boy Advanced sitting on the floor) Ripley Jr.: (ignoring Aldonza) How'd that Game Boy get down there? (As he speaks, Aldonza disappears under the chair. Ripley Jr. picks up the Game Boy and studies it for a few seconds, then starts to walk away. There is a growling noise) Ripley Jr.: Huh? (looks behind him; sees the chair) What? (takes a few forward steps; the chair follows him) (A few minutes later, Ripley Jr. can be seen running down the street, still carrying the Game Boy. The chair is fast on his trail) Ripley Jr.: HELP! CHAIR! HELP! CHAIR! (As he disappears down the street, an old couple turn to watch the scene) Old woman: Never seen a chair go bad like that before. Old man: Back in '39, I had a hassock with an attitude. (Speedy is about to pour some cereal into a bowl) Speedy: There's a toy in every box of this cereal. (The aforementioned toy, a robot the size of the box, falls out and smashes the bowl to pieces) Atom Cat: (holds up a quart of milk) Milk? (Wildcat is seen hiding in the bushes. Cut to the Mansion's living room; Ripley hears a scream, then runs over and opens the door. Several envelopes float into the room. Wildcat follows a second later and disappears off-screen. There is a pause) Ripley: NOW what are you doing? (Wildcat is seen standing in front of a mirror, flossing his teeth) Wildcat: I always floss between mailmen. (Shreeves is seen in a psychologist's office, on a couch) Psychologist: When did you start believing that your boss was an evil entity from another dimension? (Cue flashback scene) Boss: I'd like to sit in on your customer meeting. Shreeves: Uh-oh. (During the meeting, Shreeves is sitting next to a potential customer) Boss: Let me share the high level strategic view. Shreeves: (thinking) Here we go. Boss: Life began in the primordial stew literally hundreds of years ago...but we are the only company who ever found synergies in our win-win solutions! (Two hours later...) Boss: ...and we won't stop until we delight every customer! Customer: I'd be delighted if you just told me about your new Internet access product. Boss: I cancelled the funding yesterday. (stands up) Who's up for a tour of our cubicles? Shreeves: (stands up and bolts) Gotta go. Atom Cat: I should quit and become a contract employee. Then I'd have more income and I'd feel the wind in my fur. Speedy: It's possible you'd have no income at all...(raises his arms) And if you want wind in your fur you'll have to take off your jacket and run around with your arms up. Atom Cat: (sarcastic) Thank you for your support. Atom Cat: (enters Lina's cubicle) Lina, I'm thinking about quitting and becoming a contract employee. Do you have any advice? Lina: (nods; turns away from her computer) Sleep in doorways so it doesn't rain on you. The best shopping carts are at "Kroger." You can make an excellent sign with a black marking pen and a hunk of cardboard. Atom Cat: (leaves the cubicle) I hate all of my co-workers. Lina: Despite the name, food stamps are not edible. Boss: If the department meets its goal for the quarter, you can shave my head! Wildcat: That would be a big improvement. Ripley Jr.: He's trying to save money on a haircut. Aldonza: If we double our goal can we iron your shirt, too? Boss: (to himself) I need some less experienced employees. (Shreeves is loading stuff into a car) Atom Cat: Where are you taking all of that office equipment? Shreeves: I'm having a garage sale. Our new company slogan is "act like you own the company", so I've been selling the stuff that I don't use and keeping the money. Atom Cat: (spots something) Is that my new color monitor? Shreeves: Yeah. I never used that thing. (At a meeting...) Shreeves: I'm happy to report that I have embraced the new company slogan "act like you own the company." This morning I fired the marketing department and had security escort them out. Boss: (ticked) That's not exactly what we had in mind... (We see a member of security walking towards him) Shreeves: Fortunately I anticipated your reaction. (In the boss's office...) Aldonza: Speedy and I have a bet about why you assigned me to the same task as three other people. I believe it's a clever ploy to create healthy internal competition. Speedy thinks you're just dumber than the average cauliflower. Boss: May I point out that the cauliflower is the brain of the fruit kingdom. Speedy: (revs a fist) Yes! Wildcat: I don't understand how the new reorganization will help us "focus on our core business". Did our core business change, or are you saying that EVERY reorg prior to this was a misdirected failure? Boss: Wildcat, when a car gets a flat tire, what do you do? Wildcat: Well, if I'm you, I rotate the tires and drive home. (Wildcat is stretched out on the bed) Wildcat: Boy, am I bored. Aldonza: (dashes by) Hey, Wildcat, let's go to the store and try on shoes! (runs away) Wildcat: Every time I think I've hit bottom, someone throws me a shovel. Atom Cat: I spent our vacation money, guys. Wildcat: It had better be on somethind edible. Atom Cat: Soooooo....(whips out a giant accordion) LET'S POLKA! Blackie: Now I know what "justifiable homicide" means. Atom Cat: And now, a traditional folk song. (begins playing a horrible melody; starts singing) OH when I'm gone...bury me deeep....'cause there's wolverines reported in the area... Ripley: (covering his ears) The accordion dies tonight. (Kyle's standing next to a sleeping Aldonza. Ripley and Ripley Jr. are facing him) Kyle: This is a fox, a member of the dog family. (holds up something) And this is a dog whistle. Observe. (blows on the whistle) (Aldonza snaps awake, leaps clear out of her bed, and lands with her limbs sprawled out in all directions. She has a dazed expression on her face. Ripley and Ripley Jr. are smirking) Kyle: It emits a sound discernible only to lower life-forms. (puts the whistle away; pulls out something else) Now this...is a dog trumpet. (Aldonza's eyes pop open with a *POING*) Zorak: Everybody has a hobby. Some race cars, some collect art... (We now see Wildcat standing next to a toaster and a pile of bread. When the bread pops out of the toaster, he revs his fist and laughs) Zorak: And others make toast. (Aldonza is reading a book of scary stories. Zorak runs up to her and grabs her shoulder) Zorak: Hey, Aldonza, some jerk--- Aldonza: (yells in surprise; then spins around) Zorak, don't scare me like that! Zorak: Where's the fun in that, though? Aldonza: If you want something, just tap me lightly on the shoulder! (turns back to her reading) (Zorak hops away. A minute later, he returns with a huge monster mask on his face. He hops over and taps her shoulder) Speedy: Want some scrambled eggs, Wildcat? Wildcat: Nah, thanks anyway. (walks away; to himself) Truth be told, I would like some eggs...if he weren't fixing them with my spider swatter. (Blackie is standing near what looks to be an orange tail with a white tip) Blackie: There's my daughter Aldonza's tail. (looks down at the tail) This probably means she's in the building somewhere. Zorak: (hops into the Mansion) Here's the mail. (dumps the mail on the table) Here's the neighbor's mail. (dumps more mail on the table; pulls out something else) And here's the mailman's wallet. Atom Cat: Leave the poor guy alone! Zorak: (checks the wallet) Man, his kids are ugly. (Meeting...) Man: As vice-president of marketing, I'm proud to introduce the new version of our product. Behold! (yanks a blanket off a strange machine) (The machine is nearly six feet tall and looks like a giant wastebasket with a circular opening. There is something inside the "wastebasket") Man: This is a testament to what can happen when you listen to customers. We asked them what they wanted the new version to do. Six months ago I gave that raw data to you engineers. Today, we see the result. (stands in front of the wastebasket) It's the first time I've seen it myself. What's it do? (The object inside the wastebasket is revealed to be a giant boxing glove, which pops out and nails the man clear across the room) Atom Cat: Our customers said they hate us. Ripley Jr.: The company's relocating the headquarters to be nearer our CEO's home. Don't try to move your own computer. It must be left in an easily stealable condition for three days until the movers take it to the wrong cubicle. Then untrained I.T. professionals will shove an Ethernet cable into your stapler and call it "good". Wildcat: (carrying a computer; angrily) Get out of my way. Ripley Jr.: Some cubicles are slightly less desirable than others, Aldonza. For example, your new cubicle is below an air duct, so it is sometimes cooler than the area around it. Aldonza: How much cooler? Ripley Jr.: I'll show you. (The two of them walk towards a cubicle. The cube has a large block of ice with a penguin inside it) Ripley Jr.: I asked the facilities people to chip out the penguin as soon as possible. Ripley Jr.: Lina, your new cubicle is less roomy than the old one. Lina: (unsure) I don't like the sound of that... Ripley Jr.: Here. Take this. (hands Lina a block of margarine) Apply it to yourself liberally, and you should be able to slide inside. Just be sure not to stay down there for more than 10 minutes at a time, since it attracts rats. ----------- (The jewelry on Lina's gloves, belt, and shirt collar start glowing red, and the scowl on her face becomes larger) Lina: Get me a different cubicle. NOW. Ripley Jr.: (unsure) But I--- (Lina punches a nearby clock, which immediately bursts into flame. This starts a chain reaction of events, which ends with a bunch of ceiling tiles crashing down onto R. Jr.'s head) Ripley Jr.: Okay, okay! I get the picture! ---------- (In Teasy's cubicle...) Teasy: (thinking; munching on something) This might be the greatest innovation in annoying cubicle noises: chewing crushed ice. (In the next cubicle...) Aldonza: (shuddering violently) Must...destroy...all refrigeration facilities...on Earth... Smiling guy: Hey, big guy, how's your golf game lately? Wildcat: I've only known you for three seconds and already I have a deep desire to punch you. Smiling guy: But no one ever does. Wildcat: Have you met Aldonza? (Aldonza is in a meeting with a guy who won't give direct answers.) Aldonza: Did you ask your boss for approval? Guy: Now I will explain the process for getting approval. Aldonza: (rolls up a sleeve) Do you want to do this the hard way? Guy: First, you ask for a meeting. Teasy: (enters Blackie's cubicle) Blackie, would you...? Blackie: (typing something) Hold on while I finish writing this E-mail. It's a twelve-page description of my carpal tunnel issue, and the fact that there's never enough time to do my work. Teasy: Are all of your problems self-inflicted? Blackie: (upset) That's it! I'm adding a chapter about you. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch! Boss: Our strategy is to grow revenue from new products. Shreeves: How obvious does an idea need to be before we'll stop calling it a strategy? Boss: And we plan to eliminate waste. Atom Cat: We'll miss you. (Company-wide meeting...) Boss: The "Employee of the Year" award goes to...no one. Thanks for coming. Hope you do better next year. (Later...) Wildcat: It's not as bad as the time that you won it. Atom Cat: Jealousy is unattractive. (Meeting...) Ripley: Your company has become synonymous with incompetence and crime. Stop trying to be all things to all people. Focus on either the incompetence or the crime. (holds up a picture of the boss saying "wow") For your new logo, I used computer graphics to create a composite face that looks totally incompetent. Boss: Wow. (Atom Cat walks into the Mansion's living room, wearing a trench coat and fedora) Atom Cat: Does this outfit makes me look mysterious? Zorak: Absolutely. (After Atom Cat leaves...) Zorak: I think dorks are very mysterious. (Wildcat is chowing down on an extremely large smorgasbord of food. Kyle leads a small crowd of people, including Shreeves and Lina, into the room) Kyle: Step right this way, ladies and gentlemen. Here we have one of nature's wonders: the bottomless pit. Wildcat: (stops eating; disgruntled) I want to be left alone. Ripley Jr.: Wildcat, could you play with me for a while? Wildcat: Go away, Junior. Ripley Jr.: We could run and laugh. Wildcat: Go away, Junior. Ripley Jr.: Or in your case, waddle and wheeze. Wildcat: Come closer, Junior. (A scene at a local park. Lina's sitting on a bench, looking bored) Lina: It's the weekend. Boredom is at the door... Atom Cat: (walks up to her; points to his face) Hey, watermelon seeds stick to your face! Lina: (groans) ...and walks right in without knocking. Atom Cat: Hey, guys. I just got a letter from my uncle on his farm. (reads it) "Maddie Ferguson's pie took first place at the fair...so your aunt burned her barn down." Ripley: (cheers) Alright, mom! (Kyle is walking down the hall, and he hears a faint noise...) Atom Cat's voice: Someone, I'm stuck in the wall! Don't ask how...just do something! Kyle: Hang on a second. (Kyle dashes away, then comes back with a marker. He proceeds to draw a crude caricature of Atom Cat with his tongue hanging out of his mouth, right where the voice is coming out of the wall. Kyle leaves shortly afterward) Atom Cat: Okay, you're having a cruel laugh at my expense, aren't you? --------- (A yellow spaceship is seen flying towards Earth. A familar figure is seen inside the ship) Figure: It's about time someone found Zorak. I was getting pretty sick of Lokar playing "The 5th of Beethoven" over and over. --------- -Clincher- (Teasy is eating jellybeans out of a jar) Teasy: These yellow jellybeans are pretty tasty. I don't care if they're Blackie's favorite. I'm going to eat them all. (Ripley Jr. walks into the room and waves hello) Teasy: Hey, Junior. Here; I've been saving the last yellow jellybean for you. (hands it to him) Ripley Jr.: Say, thanks! Teasy: Aren't I sweet? (Just before Junior is about to eat the jellybean, Blackie walks into the room. She spots him with the last yellow jellybean and comes to a conclusion) Blackie: (angrily) My last yellow jellybean! (rolls up a sleeve) Alright, that's it. (chases Junior out of the room) Teasy: The plot thickens. FINISHER: CHAPTER BEYOND ELEVEN (The evil head of human resources' office...) Kyle: Blackie, our records show that you forward an average of nineteen e-mail jokes per week. Each joke goes to 30,000 employees, costing us $10,000,000 per year in lost productivity. (Blackie's face pales after the next statement) Kyle: We plan to blame you when we file for bankruptcy next week. (Meeting, the next day...) Boss: (laughs) We're filing for Chapter 11 because all of our so-called profits are fake. (ignores the angry expressions of people around him) I'm laughing because I sold all of my stock the same day I heard that our CFO did. Aldonza: (snaps) You said he was just diversifying his investments! Boss: (laughs) It sounds funny now. Aldonza: (angrily) You made a fortune selling your stock options last month, and now we're bankrupt. My 401K is worthless; so in effect, you've stolen my life savings. (The boss makes quote marks with his fingers, but before he can say anything, Aldonza rolls up a sleeve) Aldonza: (warningly) This would be a bad time to make quote marks in the air while saying, "In effect." Boss: Ooh. (Later...) Wildcat: (angrily) How could our accounting firm not notice that we were heading for bankruptcy? Boss: Maybe there was a conflict of interest with their T-shirt design business. (In a small office, Ripley draws something on a T-shirt and shows it to Ripley Jr.) Ripley: This one says, "I'm with bankrupt" and it has an arrow. Ripley Jr.: (snickers) (Later, in a house not far from the Mansion...) Shreeves: (upset) Our accountants are weasels. They let us go bankrupt so they could sell T-shirts that say, "I'm with bankrupt." Older lizard: (cooking something) Didn't your company make all of its money selling products you knew were effective? Shreeves: Just stir your cauldron, mom. Older lizard: Ironically, we're having weasel soup. (Some days later, at Atom Cat's cubicle...) Aldonza: (looking stressed and exhausted) Atom Cat, what are we going to do now that we're bankrupt and our 401K money is gone? Atom Cat: No problem. I've been investing all of my money is our competitor's stock. Now I'm rich. Aldonza: Why do you still come to work? Atom Cat: I don't know how to make coffee. (Later, in a conference room...) Aldonza: (still stressed; shows Lina something) This is a list of our executives who sold their stock before announcing bankruptcy. My plan is to bring each executive to the roof, hold him by the ankles, and shake. (A short time later, Lina is seen standing outside with a large bag. She is catching whatever money and misc. objects are falling from the sky) Lina: Ooh, a cat comb! (Meeting, a few days later...) Boss: The government is giving us a bailout loan because we have excellent lobbyists! (laughs) Taxpayers will give us money so we can build overpriced products to sell to taxpayers! Teasy: Remind me again why any of this is legal. Boss: Loser. ---------------------------------- (Various members of the cast are watching a distant yellow speck in the night sky) Lina: (smug) Well, thanks to me, you're down one annoyance. Now, where's the cash I was promised? Aldonza: (groans; hands over $200) I'm just glad that Space Ghost dropped by in the Phantom Cruiser to take Zorak back to the Ghost Planet. That mantis was nothing but trouble. Ripley: (seeing something out the corner of his eye) Speaking of trouble, here he comes now. Atom Cat: (approaches them) Guys, we received an audio transmission. I'm afraid it isn't good. Wildcat: (holds up a tape recorder) Show it to me. (Atom Cat hands Wildcat a tape, which is then promptly placed in the tape recorder. The calico cat pushes the "Play" button) Female voice: (clears throat) Is this thing on?...It is?....Good. Here we go...(suddenly bursts into maniacal laughter) Kyle: (cringes) Ugh. Voice: You do not need to know my name; the fact that I'm the greatest scientist in this galaxy is enough for now. Your little "Idiots" skits, while amusing to me, have been providing my latest invention with enough power to wipe out whole continents. That's right: you've gone through 4 whole rounds of skits, and that last Finisher brought the power level up to 100%! That'll be enough to take over this planet within several months; all it needs to do is condense the energy, charge up, and then...BOOM! (laughs some more) Teasy: Sounds serious. Speedy: Where'd that lady learn to laugh? The School for Mad Scientists? Kyle: You mean there's a school? Voice: Enjoy the next few months, Curtis Wildcat...it'll be your LAST! (The voice laughs a few seconds more, then....) Voice: AAAGH! CENTIPEDE! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT---- (The transmission terminates abruptly. Wildcat stops the tape, then slowly walks back towards the Mansion) Ripley: Going to take immediate action, huh? That's not like you. Wildcat: I'm not going to try to find her, even though I have a pretty good idea on who she is and where she's hiding. (beckons them forward) Everyone, come on. I have an idea to stop this lady's weapon. Aldonza: What's the plan? Wildcat: She said her weapon was drawing power from our skits to reach its maximum....(grins) So, we're going to overload it. Ripley Jr.: (gasps) You don't mean.... Wildcat: (narrows his eyes) That's right; we'll be doing one more round of "Ballad of the Idiots". But this time, we're gonna give her The Works! Atom Cat: (sarcastic) Oh, happy. I'm leaping for joy. Wildcat: Oh, shut up. Hey, Lina, you want to stick around? The more people we have around, the better. Lina: My fee is $100 per hour, and it's not up for negotiation. Kyle: Why the high price? Lina: My family told me not to return to my hometown until I became a millionaire. That's why I got the career in webpage design. Wildcat: Then we'll give you five million dollars after all this is over. Lina: Great. Thanks! (wanders off) Blackie: Strange girl. Atom Cat: Hmmm...I wonder... Everyone else: Don't even think about it, Atom Cat. Atom Cat: (folds his arms) Hmph. Well, excuse me for being desperate. (Fade to black) --------------------------- Well, looks like the craziness is going to end with a bang; the one behind this strange threat will be revealed in the final installment. In the meantime, E-mail me at supreme_cat@hotmail.com and let me know what you think of THIS installment, ok? I decided to add the new web designer, Lina, just recently. I didn't make her up; let's just say that I thought she'd make a nice addition. T.G., if you're reading this, let me know if you think I should do any parts beyond Part Five. Lastly, to anyone who thinks I'm trying to pass any of this off as original (with the exception of the Deodorizer skit) and thinks I'm a loser because I didn't add a disclaimer, go back and read the "Warnings" page before you embarrass yourself. **TRANSMISSION TERMINATED**