This is Weird! ---Phibrizzo Impossible Part Three A "Slayers" production by G. A. Curtis Wildcat No flames, please. I'm sitting against a fire hydrant. ------------ The young, black-haired boy stared up at the sky from where he was sitting in a tall tree. These had not been the best times for him, especially since the events outside Sairaag not too long ago. The Lord of Nightmares was not going to take those events sitting down. The boy was almost completely certain that he was going to die that day, considering the extent of his injuries. However, L-sama had made it perfectly clear that she wanted to control the world, not destroy it; thus, screwing up Lina's Giga Slave attack was not the way she wanted the kid to do it. After emphasizing her point with a noisemaker and an exploding bag of confetti, she released him back into the humans' world on the condition that he would remain in his current form. Easy for her to say---the kid had become trapped in his current state a few years ago, no thanks to a short fight with an insane court jester that left his transformation abilities scarred permenantly. He didn't care too much for humans in general. He knew one thing for certain, though: Seyruun's soft-serve chocolate ice cream was a cut above the rest. Maybe humans weren't THAT bad, after all.... [Look out, anti-ice cream citizens,] Phibrizzo laughed inwardly. [I may have been nuked, but I got better!] * Phibrizzo looked up at sky through the trees. Judging by the position of the sun, he had 8, maybe 9 hours before he was to retire for the day; even powerful monsters have to rest sometime. Lazily, he picked an apple off a nearby branch and began chewing it quietly. And tumbled off the branch when a large spider tried to bite his hand. Phibrizzo teleported out of the air, then rematerialized a few inches above the ground. "Nice try, spidey," he chuckled...then stopped. "Spidey? That sounds ridiculous." Shrugging his shoulders, he grabbed another apple and continued on his way. A series of footsteps caught his attention from behind, but when Phibrizzo turned around, there was no one there. "Must be my imagination," he said to himself as he continued walking--- ---smack into an apple tree. He stopped moving momentarily as a cascade of apples rained down from the tree, a few of them bouncing off his head. These were not the best times for him. ---- When Phibrizzo resumed his walk a few minutes later, he kept his eyes focused on what was in front of him. Spotting a farm in the distance, he walked towards it---maybe the people there had info on Lina Inverse's whereabouts, and maybe he could leech a free meal off them in the process. Even if they didn't know where she was, it wouldn't be a total loss. Deciding to take a shortcut directly across a pasture, Phibrizzo was wondering where everyone was. "Maybe they're having lunch or something," he said to himself. "Perhaps I should wait until---" He heard a female voice shout out from the farm. "Okay, cows. Milking time's over. Back to the pasture with ya!" There was a sliding of wood against wood as the barn door slid open--- "Alright, I'm convinced," Phibrizzo snapped. "There is NO way for that many cows to be crowded inside ONE barn." 109 cows had streamed out of the barn and created a virtual stampede as they began to spread out throughout the field. Several of them didn't stop running, much to Phibrizzo's chagrin. Seconds before they rammed into him, he teleported to the opposite end of the field. The kid/monster thought he was safe. He was about to learn a new lesson, though: you're only safe if there is nothing else behind you. By the time Phibrizzo learned that, though, it was too late: he had gotten himself implanted in the side of the barn, thanks to the kicking of a high-strung bull. Phibrizzo pulled himself out of the wall and checked himself for injuries. Satisfied that he was A-OK, he then turned around and headed for the farmhouse. He didn't make it 10 feet, however, when he was halted by a commanding voice: "Hold it right there, mister!" The H-master nearly jumped a few feet in the air. "I didn't do it!" he exclaimed, spinning around--- ---to see the teenage girl that had ordered the cows out to pasture. "You're trespassing on my parents' property," she snapped. "Get your sorry carcass out of here!" She brushed some of her brown hair out of her eye and glared at Phibrizzo indignantly. "Perhaps you don't realize just who you're dealing with," the H-master said quietly, a smirk forming on his face. "My name is Phibrizzo, as in `the Monster General,' the Lord of the Dead." "I don't care if you're the `INSPECTOR General'," the brunette responded angrily. "I'm giving you 15 seconds to get out of here. If you're not long gone by that time, Mr. Lord-of-the-Dance or whoever you are, it won't matter WHAT your name is since I'll be changing it to `mud'!" Phibrizzo almost burst out laughing at those insults. [Creative,] he said to himself. Deciding to put her out of her misery, he reached into an unknown subspace pocket behind him and drew a small, yellow sphere into his hand. "Perhaps you would like a demonstration of my power?" To his surprise, the teen didn't even flinch; she swiped the sphere out of his hands, examined it closely for a few seconds, then tossed the sphere away. "The peach is rotten. Besides, I don't take bribes, anyway." In the meantime, the sphere came to a landing in the soft grass and dirt; it slowly de-materialized and disappeared seconds later, leaving the farmer's daughter mysteriously unharmed. [What...?! This is ridiculous!] Phibrizzo shouted inwardly. He calmed himself down as he re-evaluated the situation. [If I suddenly decided to carry out my purpose for being here, she'll wonder at the giant mood swing and get all indignant on me again. If I just stand here like an idiot, she'll rant and rave until her face turns blue....] He grinned at this. [To be honest, that seems like an amusing sight, but I think I'll combine the two together.] "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, CHILD DELINQUENT?" the brown-haired girl screamed. "Make yourself scarce, pronto!" Phibrizzo didn't move. He just looked at her, his arms folded. "What are you waiting for, an open invitation?" the girl shouted again. "Scram! Vamoose! Get lost! Good-bye!" No response. "THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING, IDIOT! LEAVE, NOW!!!" No comment at this time. -- Several minutes went on by; and in the meantime, the girl proceeded to shout herself hoarse. Phibrizzo didn't bat an eyelid; he looked at her calmly. He was starting to think that he had won, so he decided to make his move. "Look, lady. I'm not looking for any trouble. One, I've been on my own for years ever since my parents left, so I just need something to eat; that's it." The brunette looked at him, puzzled, and spoke in a much calmer voice. "Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?" Phibrizzo grinned. "I dunno...it was kind of funny watching you scream..." "Yeah, I'm sure," the teen scoffed. "C'mon. I'll get you a sandwich." -- As it turned out, the teen's parents were in a nearby village, exchanging crops for cash, so asking for information about Lina Inverse seemed like it was out of the question. "Y'know, there've been a lot of people disturbing the peace recently," the brunette commented off-hand. Phibrizzo didn't look up from the sandwich that he was eating. "Oh?" "Yeah," the brunette said. "Recently, there've been sightings of people setting off fireworks and blowing up stuff for no good reason." After swallowing the bite that he was on, Phibrizzo looked at her intently. [Boy, does THAT sound familiar.] "Go on..." "There's not much else I CAN say," the teen confessed. "But I do know one thing: I sighted a guy passing through here with purple hair, closed eyes, and a smile that must've been permenantly attached to his face. This was about a day ago." [Xellos,] Phibrizzo thought as he continued chewing. [Is he STILL following Lina Inverse? I think I'll catch up to him and see if ol' Z-M has resumed direct command.] After finishing off the sandwich and washing it down with a glass of milk, Phibrizzo decided to take his leave. The farmer's daughter stepped outside to see him off, then started back towards the barn. When Phibrizzo was a good distance away from the farm, he turned around to see the brunette walking away. "Nothing better than getting in the last word," he said to himself. Raising his hand, he shot a dark beam of fire in the teen's direction. -- The brunette took no notice of the incoming attack; instead, she was focusing on the bright yellow flower directly in front of her. After a second, she bent down to pick it up. The deadly beam of fire shot right over her head and fizzled out 100 meters away from her. -- Phibrizzo's eye twitched involuntarily. Did he have to have his life screwed up at every turn? He turned and started running as fast as he could away from the farm. When he got a good distance away, he screamed: "JUST WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS, HUH?!" Perhaps it was his imagination, but in the distance he thought he could hear the Lord of Nightmares... ...collapsing into a giggling fit. [These are NOT the best of times for me], Phibrizzo mused as he started on Xellos and Lina's trail, grabbing an apple off a nearby tree as he did so. [It could be worse, though.] A few meters away, the same spider from earlier began chasing him. ---- Part Three Concluded * -- A vague reference to Monty Python's "The Holy Grail". Congrats to you if you know what the original line was. ^_^ The next part: The Trickster Priest meets the trickster criminal. That's right; for the next part only, the Joker himself comes out to have some fun with the Slayers gang! This is weird, but it'll only get weirder. Mark my words! (End)