This is Weird! ---Practical Jokers Part 4.B A "Slayers" production by G. A. Curtis Wildcat The second chapter of Part Four will be a lot bigger than usual, since I have a number of pranks to outline. Don't worry; everything gets straightened out eventually. No flames, please. My soda doubles as a fire extinguisher. -- Previously, on "This is Weird!".... -- 3 years ago.... As Phibrizzo snuck towards the room where the amulets were stored, a man in a purple coat and jester's hat stepped out of the shadows. "Kid, you're not supposed to be here," he growled. "Go home." He stepped into the moonlight, which lit up his white face and dark-green hair---odd, especially for a human. -- Present time... Xellos teleported out of the tree. And wound up rematerializing directly above a purple-coated man with a white face. It took all of his concentration to keep from falling on top of him. (-Strange individual,-) he thought. (-He does seem rather familiar, though...-) -- 3 years ago.... "I should know if there's something wrong," Phibrizzo said, nearly shouting outright. "And I DO know, because for some odd reason, I can't change back to my normal form!" -- Present time... "I see..." a smile of Xellos's own faded into being. "Any chance you could make people laugh without that particular experiment? Without poisoning the food or the air, I mean? Could be good for a few laughs on our part, as well." "I have all kinds of ideas!" the man shouted dramatically. "And they don't have be diabolically evil, either!" "Very well, then," Xellos smiled. "I guess I can work with you for a while. They don't call me `Xellos, the Trickster Priest' for nothing." "And they don't call me `The Joker' for nothing, either," the man snickered eerily. -- And now, back to our regularly scheduled weirdness. -- Xellos handled the spray can that he had received from the Joker carefully. "Read the instructions on it," the criminal had told him. "You'll know what to do afterwards." Scanning the instructions brought a smile to Xellos's face. The instructions read: "If there are two people in a pool of water, this spray will turn half their hair into the color of the other person's hair." Oh, he knew full well what was going to take place; and, as he was a monster, he loved it. Xellos scanned both horizons. On one horizon, the sun was beginning to go down over a moderate-sized village. On the other horizon, Lina Inverse and Co. were a mere quarter-mile from the town's boundary. "This'll be fun," the general/priest said to himself, making a quick teleportation over to one of the local inn's hot springs. "There's no one around. Good," Xellos muttered. He sprayed the material into the water, then stirred it until it wasn't even recognizable. Grinning, the monster phased out into his room inside the inn; he had already pre-paid for it minutes before. Now, all he had to do was wait. ------- "AAAAAHH!" It was Amelia's screaming that had woken Lina up from a sound sleep the next morning. Fearing that a monster or heavily-muscled bandit had broken into the inn, her initial reaction was to race out the door. At least, it WAS her reaction. Until she realized that Amelia was in the same room as she was, staring with shock at the mirror. It was then that she noticed that there was something unusual about Amelia's hair, so she decided to backtrack and double-check what was the matter. "Amelia! Your hair!" The Seyruun princess turned around. "I know! It's---" She halted abruptly, pointing a quivering finger at Lina's hair. "Lina! Your hair! It's the same!" Lina placed her hands on her hips. "What? What's the same about it?" "Your hair!" Amelia exclaimed, frightened. "There are huge streaks of black in it! It's like mine, except that mine has streaks of red in it!" "Let me see---AAAGH! You're right!" Lina gasped, one hand brushing up against her hair as she looked in the mirror, disbelieving. Amelia was right: there were 3 huge streaks of black that had curved throughout Lina's hair, much like the 3 streaks of red that had mottled Amelia's hair. For several seconds they just stood rooted to the ground: Amelia, still startled; and Lina, filled with a bittersweet rage. --------------- Downstairs, from where Xellos was calmly eating some of the inn's breakfast fare, he could hear a pair of screams that sounded vaguely like: "WHO DID THIS TO ME?!" He just shook his head. (-Sheesh. The spray will reverse itself normally in 48 hours,-) he thought to himself. (-Why are they so upset?-) He turned to the waiter. "Two more pancakes, please. I figure my companions may take a while." --------------- Despite the man's outward appearance, he didn't seem too frightening. Sure, he had dark green hair and white skin, but what could any mere man do to her? Thus, the black-haired teen, who was approaching adulthood rapidly, paid the human no mind once he had asked and paid for his meal. This feeling of self-security lasted for no more than 5 minutes. "Waitress!" a voice barked from the serving area. "There's something wrong with this ham! It just doesn't taste right!" "Blasted customers," she murmured. "There's just no pleasing them sometimes." Picking up a tray, she sauntered back into the serving area where the white-faced man was waiting. "Oh, well. `The customer is always right' and all that." The stranger poked at a piece of the ham, which had a slight red tint to it. "Let me try it," the teen stated, picking up the piece and eating it herself. It had that same peculiar flavor that uncooked meat had, which meant one thing: the idiot cook hadn't roasted the ham long enough again. Placing the ham onto the trey and giving the man a plate of toast and eggs as a consolation prize, she turned on her heels and headed back for the kitchen. -- It was then that the man's smile turned into a grin. "Never eat off the plates of strangers unless you know what you're getting into, kiddo," he said quietly. Quickly polishing off breakfast, he departed the inn for parts unknown by people other than him, clutching a small canister close to him. -- "Hey, `Loopy'," she stated as she entered the kitchen, using the cook's nickname. "You didn't cook this guy's ham long enough!" She held up the trey for emphasis. "Loopy" tapped his chin quietly. "That's not true. I roasted it for the full length of time that was required. I triple-checked it every few minutes just to make sure!" The waitress took a closer look. "See? It's---" She paused for a second as her vision abruptly became a bit blurry, then faded back to normal. Passing it off as slight fatique, she continued. "Part of the ham's still red!" A pair of voices shouted from the eating area. "Candygram!" Loopy smirked. "Your new nickname?" "Never been called it before. A week ago, some idiots started packaging tarts with courier messages, and it's caught on since then." She turned around. "Might as well see what they----oof!" Not looking where she was going, her stomach had met a table normally used for cutting up meat. She moved backwards a few steps to recover her breath---- ---and almost broke a hole through the base of a cupboard when her feet flew out from under her, sending her airborne. The impromptu flight ended when she finally hit the floor, a bit shaken. This got Loopy's attention. Rushing to the girl's side, he steadied her against the wall. "Are you okay? You're usually a lot more careful than that!" "I wasn't like that before I taste-tested that ham," the waitress muttered angrily. "I'm convinced. That meat wasn't undercooked. That guy in there poisoned the ham somehow!" She sat where she was for a few more minutes, simmering for a few seconds in her own anger. ---------------- In the serving area, two oddly-dressed teenagers were whispering to each other. "Like, dude, maybe she's not going to come...." "See, I TOLD you that `Candygram' line wouldn't work!" "I heard some noises in there. Maybe we should check it out." "Nah. Never walk into a kitchen that has a cook with a knife. Let's see if we can find help elsewhere." "It's really a shame, Bill. I was kinda hoping that Luna Inverse could help us out with our history report...." "Aw, no worries, Ted. Let's see if we can find Abe Lincoln. We can always stop back for the Knight of Ceiphied later." * The two of them---the first one with brownish-blonde hair, the other with black---stepped out of the inn and turned left. There were a series of thuds, a bright crackle of electricity and the obscurity of smoke, and they were gone. ---------------- The gang continued on down the road a few hours later, searching for jobs to supplement their income. The few bandits that lived in the bordering forest were easy targets, and for a good reason; even though they kept a good distance away, Lina and the others could clearly hear their insults. "Hey, lady, the zoo in Zephilia is looking for a missing zebr---" "DAMU BRASS!" "Hey, Stone Boy, it's gonna be a rocky road ahead---" "FREEZE ARROW!" "Girlie, if you'd wash that red hair dye out, you'd look a lot like that Seyruunian princess I heard abo---" "BURST RONDO!" It wasn't long, though, before the "few" bandits became "many", and it very nearly pitched the three of them over the edge. By the time they got to their destination, they all had either hoarse voices, clenched fists, and/or a case of hyperventilation. A short distance away from them, Gourry had wisely decided not to get in Lina's way once she lost her temper. Thus, he was a good thirty paces behind them and fingering the Sword of Light nervously. He glanced out the corner of his eye at Xellos, who was walking calmly down the side of the road. The swordsman shook his head with a hint of amazement. "Wow," he murmured to himself. "I wonder where he learned how to throw his voice like that." Xellos looked towards Gourry, irritated. (I really wish I understood how he gets his rare moments of wisdom,) he thought inwardly. Dispelling the thought, he regained his grin; he had definitely enjoyed this little game of "Aggravation". -------------- Night fell on the fixer-upper city of Xoana. The reconstruction of the city after Lina's well-intended Dragon Slave attack was advancing rather well, although it WAS still a work in progress. After the wacked-out marriage of Martina to the swordsman Zangulus, things had fallen back to normal--- well, as normal as a city gets with a giant Zoamelgustar pendant hanging over it. But now, every human in the city was tired and starting to look for a place to sleep. Every human...and one irritable, child-sized monster. Make no mistake about it; Phibrizzo loathed humans, especially those acquainted with Lina Inverse. Problem was, as much as he was looking forward to frightening Martina just by showing up---after all, she and Zangulus still thought he was dead---he was almost completely drained of energy after trailing Xellos this far for 59 hours straight [not stopping to rest can do that to anyone]. Upon coming across an inn that still had vacancies, he almost collapsed right then and there out of sheer relief---(Not now, not in front of all these tenth-rate loser scum!), he reminded himself forcibly. Phibrizzo walked past the clerk's desk, slamming a few coins on it as he did so. He trudged upstairs into an empty room, slammed the door, kicked off his boots, and curled up inside the blankets. That whole process took nearly two minutes, but he was fast asleep in seconds. ---- Tired as Phibrizzo was, his memory had finally failed him: he had forgotten to check the surrounding area for intruders. If he had remembered, he would've known that the one behind his permenant identity was sitting on a ledge right outside his window, planning to steal the bracelet that Phibby had put on the bedside desk. After waiting for nearly an hour, the Joker crept as silently as he could into the room. He moved over to the bed, smiling eerily as he recognized the sleeper. (We meet again, kiddo,) he chuckled mentally. He reached inside his jacket and pulled out a bowl of whipped cream, a spoon, and a feather. (I'm glad I made that trip back home for tonight's prank.) Carefully placing one of Phibrizzo's hands on top of the blanket, palm upward, he neatly placed a glob of whipped cream on it. Putting the spoon and bowl away, he took the feather and brushed the monster's nose with it a few times. Wrinkling his nose and muttering something that sounded like: "Metallium, interested in buying breath mints?", Phibrizzo swatted the feather away. Some of the cream got smeared on his face as a result, but he was too deep inside slumberland to notice. "Just keep dreaming," the Joker chuckled. "I'll be at this for a while." ----- The sun was shining brightly through the window the next morning, which annoyed Phibrizzo something terrible. The birds were chirping, which brought it up to irritation. It was the hammering and sawing of work tools, however, that finally woke him up from an eleven-hour slumber. "I wish I'd started walking a little sooner," he snarled. "Maybe I could've slept even through that yammering." He stretched his arms and yawned. "Oh, well. I'm back at full strength, and feeling better than ever!" He went over to the mirror to straighten out his hair; being that he looked like a kid to most humans, he needed to keep up his appearance so that no one would suspect him otherwise. His eyes blinked away the last remnants of his sleep...although it was quite obvious that the face that greeted him in the mirror lent him some help with that. Phibrizzo blinked once, then twice, then three times; his initial surprise didn't allow for much else. After a few seconds, his mouth finally found the words to speak. --- The scream could easily be heard even through the closed windows. "AARRRRGGH! ARE YOU TRYING TO EMBARASS ME?! THIS IS NOT FUNNY, MOTHER!!!" From where he was sitting on the roof a few houses away, a white-faced grinning stranger had to restrain the urge to burst into full-throated diabolical laughter. "I beg to differ, my friend!" he snickered quietly. "You just fell for one of the oldest tricks in the book, and now you've paid for it!" --- Two small palms gripped the edge of the washbasin, trembling with overexcitement. "Come on. Calm yourself, Phibrizzo. Come on, think. Mother would not go so far as to appear while you're asleep and slap white cream all over your face, and Xellos is more respectful to me than that," he murmured to himself. "That only leaves just about every possible human within Xoana. Oh, well. Nothing to do but to start looking..." He stared at the image in the mirror, a nervous twitch entering into his face. "...although if I don't get rid of this gunk, no one else would let me live it down..." Phibrizzo grabbed a nearby towel, soaked it in a bucket of water, and wiped his face, hands, and washbasin clean of the whipped cream. Grabbing his boots and hurriedly yanking them on, he ran over to the window, looking left and right. Neither seeing nor sensing the culprit, he turned and started for the door, his eyes hurriedly searching the bedside desk---- "Someone please help me," he snapped under his breath, realizing that his keepsake bracelet had been stolen. His insides blazed with a dark flame; no one---NO ONE---played jokes on him and got away with it, especially not a human! "I can't believe I let my exhaustion get the best of me," Phibrizzo snarled. "That's the last time I leave that thing unattended! Forget Lina Inverse and Zelas's leading man. I've got a new target to locate!" Slamming a fist into an open palm, he decided to take his leave. ---- The kid-like beast tore through the eatery and past the surprised manager. "Hold my breakfast until I get back!" he shouted, nearly busting down the door in his haste to leave and startling several customers who were on their way in. Phibrizzo, beyond all hope of keeping sane through all this, raced in an expanding-box pattern around the inn and scanned as much of the area as he could. His hands were glowing with black fire, and his face was contorted with rage that rivaled that of his confrontation with the Lord of Nightmares. To put it mildly, he was ticked. -------- "Let me get this straight," Lina remarked to Zelgadis that afternoon as they cut straight through the forest. "You're saying that this particular bandit is almost impossible to defeat 1-on-1?" "That's right," Zelgadis muttered. "According to the rumors I've heard, he's impervious to most mid-to-high level spells, and he wards off material weapons just as well. That's why the High Council of Johan's City put up that 1000-gold bounty on him." "Well, I'll believe it when I see it," Lina growled back, consciously preparing a fireball---- "I must be worrying the good people of the city if I'm causing them THAT much trouble," a rough voice barked. From out of the trees, a heavy-set bandit--no question about it--stepped out, carrying a huge broadsword. "You want to test my power? Here I am!" Lina went first, launching the dual fireballs that she had prepared beforehand. The bandit calmly reached up and swatted both of the fireballs away, forcing everyone to duck as the attacks exploded elsewhere. Zelgadis went next, using Astral Vine to power up his sword and attempting to take down the enemy with one stroke. However, he was more than a bit perturbed when the bandit unsheathed his broadsword and knocked away Zelgadis's weapon with one, swift swing. Going back to an old idea from the fight against Copy Rezo, Amelia charged Gourry's sword with the Rah Tilt spell. Once the powerup was complete, the swordsman propelled himself at the bandit at top speed. To everyone's surprise, the huge thief cancelled out the attack by channeling his energy through his broadsword, knocking both Gourry and the Sword of Light away as if they were nothing. In the meantime, the extra energy from Gorun Nova discharged harmlessly in the opposite direction. "They certainly weren't kidding about how powerful he is," Gourry commented, re-arming himself with the Sword of Light. "Understood, Gourry," Lina said sardonically. "I might need to resort to the Ragna Blade for this guy." He turned to the bandit. "Tell me, mister. How did a thief like you manage to get so powerful? You have some kind of bauble that augments your strength, or something?" The bandit just smiled, closing both his eyes. "That is a secret." Zelgadis frowned. "Why does THAT sound so familiar...Xellos?" That got the bandit's attention, forcing a visible transformation in which his looks and appearance changed from the huge man to the slim, purple-haired trickster priest. "Whoops. You caught me!" he exclaimed, putting one hand behind his head and chuckling. Everyone stepped back from Lina as her blood began rushing through her veins. "...You dragged us out here just to expend our energy and toy with us?" she snarled dangerously. "That's pretty much the size of it, yes," Xellos responded calmly, not at all alarmed by Lina's shift in moods. "I was also the one that dyed your hair and made you all jumpy on the way to town yesterday----oops! Did I say that out loud?" he asked as he edged back towards the main road. A fierce grin appeared on Lina's face, one that normally would provoke a case of marathon-running in anyone else. "I don't care if your mistress gets mad at me. You are SO dead!" ------- Not long after the Joker had observed Phibrizzo's temper tantrum, he had left for a short walk. It wasn't long before his stroll had taken him to a house with a large Zoamelgustar figurine hitched to it. This was the house where the royalty was staying while their castle was being reconstructed. The Joker had heard the rumors around town; the current king had gone face-to-face with the strongest monster alive and had lived to tell of it. The queen was an obsessive young adult who idolized an imaginary beast. "Interesting," he had stated to himself. "Maybe I can have some fun with them for a couple hours..." --- The Joker had never imagined himself racing down a street with the Howling Sword some time later. Zangulus and Martina followed in close pursuit, screaming curses at him. "Batfreak does a better job of preventing break-ins than these idiots," the Joker chortled to himself. -------- After hastily gulping down some breakfast at the inn, a frustrated and sour Phibrizzo resumed his search for the culprit that had nearly embarassed him royally. "Why do the fates have to be against me at every turn?" he snarled to himself, nearly running into several burly men on accident. "First there was that incident in Sairaag with the Giga Slave, then that idiotic farmgirl, and now this! What's this world coming...." he paused as several familiar figures raced down a sidestreet, and he brought himself to a halt. "...to?" The first to appear was a green-haired man in a purple suit, racing by with a long sword in his hands. The second was the angry swordsman--Zangulus, Phibby remembered--with the hat that one would normally find on the head of a witch or scarecrow. The third was instantly recognizable: "Martina," Phibrizzo murmured. "That obsessive woman was too easy to misguide...but who was that first guy who ran on---" He paused abruptly as he noted a hint of metal on the white-faced man's arm. He gritted his teeth, recognizing his bracelet. "So, he's the one who stole my keepsake?" he mused aloud. "Guess I'll just have to go after...**GASP**...WAIT A SECOND! No way...!" Phibrizzo's eyes widened as memories seeped into his brain, connecting the identity of this figure with the court jester responsible for his "identity crisis". For a moment, he became fearful---and then, realizing everything that the man had done, his mind came to a conclusion as the others made some decent distance. "It's him," Phibrizzo muttered darkly, his legs spurring him into motion as he began pursuit. He was so angry, he momentarily forgot his ability to teleport; but on the plus side, he was running faster than he had ever ran before. (First my body, then my face, then my jewelry! That human trash is MINE, and I won't pity the fools who get in my way!) --------- The dark-haired sorceress strolled calmly down the road towards Johan's City, having finally been relieved of that klutz attack she had been forced to undergo. The target of her power was only a short distance away, and he seemed to be running straight towards her, unknowingly. (Let him run), she thought darkly. (Once I have decided on a target, I do not let him out of my sights. When the Knight of Ceiphied picks up a trail, she stays with it.) For a brief moment, Luna considered the possibility of running into Lina sometime in the future; her sister WAS somewhere nearby, judging by her angry battle cries. "The look on her face is going to be absolutely priceless!" she laughed to herself before refocusing on the current situation. * --- I'm sorry, but a reference to "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" was just too good to pass up. >^_^< Sorry it took so long to update; my attention was occupied by the combined forces of college homework and Pokemon Sapphire, as well as the inhibition of writer's block. I have to admit, I had a lot of fun with this chapter; but in the final chapter of Part Four, I'm going to polish everything off. See you later! -----------------