This is Weird!
--No Joking Matter

Part 4.C

A "Slayers" production by G. A. Curtis Wildcat

The Joker vs. all comers.  Scene C will finish Act Four.

Planning to flame me?  Don't bother; the creek's about to flood.

------------------------------

Previously, on "This is Weird!".....

-----

"I wasn't like that before I taste-tested that ham," the waitress muttered
angrily.  "I'm convinced.  That meat wasn't undercooked.  That guy in
there poisoned the ham somehow!"

-----

"Someone please help me," he snapped under his breath, realizing that
his keepsake bracelet had been stolen.  His insides blazed with
a dark flame; no one---NO ONE---played jokes on him and got away
with it, especially not a human!

"I can't believe I let my exhaustion get the best of me," Phibrizzo
snarled.  "That's the last time I leave that thing unattended!  Forget
Lina Inverse and Zelas's leading man.  I've got a new target to locate!"

-----

Everyone stepped back from Lina as her blood began rushing
through her veins.  "...You dragged us out here just to expend our
energy and toy with us?" she snarled dangerously.

"That's pretty much the size of it, yes," Xellos responded calmly,
not at all alarmed by Lina's shift in moods.  "I was also the one
that dyed your hair and made you all jumpy on the way to town
yesterday----oops!  Did I say that out loud?" he asked as he
edged back towards the main road.

A fierce grin appeared on Lina's face, one that normally would
provoke a case of marathon-running in anyone else.  "I don't
care if your mistress gets mad at me.  You are SO dead!"

-----

The Joker had never imagined himself racing down a street with
the Howling Sword some time later.  Zangulus and Martina followed
in close pursuit.

-----

"It's him," Phibrizzo muttered darkly, his legs spurring him into motion
as he began pursuit.  (First my body, then my face, then my
jewelry!  That human trash is MINE, and I won't pity the fools who
get in my way!)

-----

(Let him run), she thought darkly.  (Once I have decided on a target,
I do not let him out of my sights.  When the Knight of Ceiphied picks up
a trail, she stays with it.)

-----

And so, the weirdness continues.

-----


"YOU COME BACK HERE, YOU NO-GOOD CROOK!" a whiny voice screamed from
down the road.  "YOUR NEGLIGENCE WILL RESULT IN THE INFERNAL WRATH
OF ZOEMALGUSTAR!"

"Um, Martina, that's Eternal, not Infernal."

"Oh.  Sorry, Zangulus!"

Although he was a good 50 yards ahead of them, the Joker had no problem
hearing their conversations.  It wasn't the talk that mattered to him,
though; it was the action.  "With this sword, I can finally keep Batman
out of my hair," he muttered to himself, grinning wildly.  "Ah, the
possibilities...the bank vaults will never be safe again."

An explosion from up ahead caught his attention.  "From what he's told
me, that's probably my new friend having his fun.  Time for a progress
report."

Xellos materialized in front of the Joker, looking a little worse
for wear.  He matched his pace with that of the criminal.  "It seems
they've caught on to us...at least, they've caught on to me..."

"Join the club," the Joker muttered.  "Don't let them beat you up.
Lead them on a wild goose chase for as long as you can, then vanish
somewhere and come back here."

Xellos nodded as he caught on to the Joker's plan.  "You know, my
mistress would be proud of a devious mind like yours..."

"Charmed," the Joker said sarcastically, smiling in his ominous way.
"Go for it.  I'll hold off my own pursuers for a whi---"

"XELLOSSSSS!!!" a distant voice screamed.  "GET YOUR SMILING SELF BACK
HERE!"

Not wasting time, Xellos teleported again.  As the Joker continued
running, he could hear him shout: "Hey, Lina!  You're headed this way,
aren't you?  I'll go, too!"

A trio of Fireballs from Lina, Amelia, and Zelgadis greeted him in
response.  The Joker just shook his head.  "Great acting talent is so
hard to find these days---"

He was abruptly cut off as a blue blur blazed past him and halted,
forcing the Joker to put on the brakes.  "I have just about had enough
of your antics," a childish voice snapped.  "This ends now!"

The Joker looked perturbed at first, then calmed down as he recognized the
boy he was taunting earlier.  "Long time no speak," the Clown Prince
sneered.  "Looks like the egg has finally cracked."

"Spare me the intellectual comedy," Phibrizzo snarled, leering at him.
"You will give back that bracelet and consider yourself defeated, Mister..."
His voice trailed off as he realized something.  "Uh...what's your name?"

"JOKER!  THERE YOU ARE!" a bratty voice exclaimed.  "Give back that---
YOU!!!"

The tension in the area built to a deafening crescendo as Phibrizzo,
Martina, Zangulus, and the Joker all stared at each other over the same
point on the road.  And, being the wisecracking criminal that he was, the
Joker started to introduce them.  "Loudmouth kid, meet Martina and Zangulus.
Martina, meet the loudmouth kid and Zangulus.  Zangulus, meet Martina and
the loudmouth kid.  To all of you: I am the Joker, the Clown Prince of
Crime!"

"THE NAME IS PHIBRIZZO!" the others shouted.

"And how did you manage to survive?" Zangulus muttered, his statement
directed at Phibrizzo.  "If you managed to survive Lina Inverse giving
you what for, I don't know WHAT is capable of destroying you."

The strongest of Shabranigdu's monsters glared at him.  "I'll deal with you
two later," Phibrizzo growled testily.  "Right now, I have my bracelet and
my dignity to reclaim!"

A cold voice drifted to them over the breeze.  "Not that you ever had any
to begin with, Phibrizzo Ruby-Eye."  The waitress from back in Zephilia
stepped out of the woods, her attention divided between Phibrizzo and the
Joker.  To the latter, she said: "Don't think giving me that klutz attack
would've given you enough time to get away."

Phibrizzo folded his arms and spoke with an extremely annoyed edge in his
voice, recognizing the figure's power.  "So glad I get to meet you at
last, Ceiphied Knight.  And what was that last crack about my dignity?"

Zangulus leaned over towards Martina and whispered to her: "What's a
waitress doing in the middle of the road?"

Martina shrugged.  "I don't know.  Looking to serve white-faced bandits?"

The Joker, as was expected, had a solid grin on his face.  "Ah, Luna
Inverse.  Glad you were able to follow me all the way here.  What brings
you out this far?"

Before Luna got a chance to explain, three voices blurted out in unison:
"LUNA Inverse?!  As in the *sister* of LINA Inverse?!  You've got to be
kidding me!"

"Yes, yes," Luna murmured, bored.  "I get that a lot.  Can we get on
with this?  I have a little retribution to dish out."

Phibrizzo glared sideways at Luna, still partially disturbed that his
greatest enemy was related to the Knight of Ceiphied.  "I'll deal with
you later, as well.  Until then, how about we join up and give this
fool the boot?"

"I've already got a pair," the Joker said, still smiling.  "They're
sitting at home in my closet, and they haven't been used since last
winter."  He stared at the monster, whose eyes seemed to be glowing.
"Let's have a little fun.  You first, Firebrat."

Phibrizzo's eyes narrowed at that.  Oh, he was *so* going to enjoy wiping
that grin off his face.  Raising a hand, he proceeded to lay down a series
of attacks---black finger-width lasers---that set some of the surrounding
trees on fire...

...but not the Joker, who side-stepped the attacks with an agility that
only years of dodging Batman could bring.

Luna was next.  After she used "Aqua Create!" to douse the trees that
Phibby had set aflame, a large cannonball descended from the sky and
impacted with a resounding *CRASH*.  She followed that up with an
Icicle Lance that would've turned the Joker into a smiling popsicle.

The key word, of course, is "would've"; a lightning bolt appeared out of
nowhere and struck her hand.  In most cases Luna would've been prepared
for it, but the unexpectedness of the attack caused her to send the Lance
flying skyward.

Everyone stared upwards.  The Joker was sitting on top of the
cannonball, still smirking.  "Ah-ah-ah.  Didn't your mother ever teach
you not to play with fire and ice?  What a shocker!"

Phibrizzo turned to Zangulus.  "What are you waiting for?  You've
got a mean sword; I should know.  Let him have it!"

"I did," Zangulus said, straight-faced.  "He's holding it in his hands
right now."

Phibrizzo just slapped his face in disgust.  (Of course...that must've
been that sword I saw the Joker running off with!  Should've expected
a human to give me a straight answer like that.)

Speaking of the Joker, he was staring at the sword with an amused smirk.
"Let's see.  How did he use it?  Heft the sword upwards, focus energy,
and WHAMMO!"  *KA-BOOM!*  "Yes, it definitely works.  Heh, heh."  He
stared down at the others before him; Luna and Phibrizzo were able
to stave off the brunt of the blast, while Zangulus and Martina were
forced to scatter.  "Look out Batman, 'cause here comes the Howling
Joker."

"'Howling Joker'...what kind of nut is he?" Phibrizzo muttered,
throwing up another shield as the Howling Sword blasted them again.
"And who's Batman?"

"I'm more concerned as to where that lightning bolt came from," Luna
responded.  "I'm beginning to suspect that he's not from this world." *

"You think?" Phibrizzo shot back, warding off another blast.  He turned
back towards the Joker.  "Hey, you idiot!  Are you from another universe
or---aaagh!"

That pause in his question was caused by another lightning bolt, this one
striking the ground next to Phibrizzo and blowing dirt in his face.
Not surprisingly, the Joker was laughing at that.  "Don't you just hate
it when that happens?  From what I've heard, you're the toughest kid on
the block.  Now you're just a block-head."

The Joker's words were the sparks that lit the fire; a second later, the
air around Phibrizzo was set aflame.  "That's it.  I've had it!" he
shouted, reaching into a subspace pocket behind him and pulling out a
small yellow orb.  Not wasting any time, he drew back a fist and swiftly
shattered it.

"You know, this is boring me.  I expected to have a grand time with
everyone," the Joker explained, "and instead I have an encounter with
someone who cheats at marbles."

The spectators to this fight, Zangulus and Martina, couldn't do anything
besides blink; they'd seen first-hand what those orbs could do.  Then
again, the same could be said for Phibrizzo; he KNEW what those orbs
could do.  But the Joker was supposedly invulnerable to that manuever,
and that meant only one thing:

"You were right, Inverse!  That creep IS from another universe.  Those
orbs only effect those who exist on this world!"

"As much as I'm delighted by that explanation, Phibrizzo, we have work
to do," Luna snapped.  "And the first thing to do is to deprive him of
that sword!"

The monster nodded.  "Easy enough to fix."  In the blink of an eye he
teleported directly behind the Joker, hoping to take the sword by
stealth---just as the Clown Prince of Crime swung it back to unleash
another blast.

Luna cringed.  She had suspected that Phibrizzo's purplish-blue uniform
was actually part of his body; in actuality, she now knew that it was
just cheaply made.  Blinking, she set that aside for the moment and
threw up another shield, deflecting the latest blast from the Howling
Sword.

A certain mazoku, meanwhile, was descending into a level of rage
unparelled in history.  "It's bad enough that he steals things from me,"
he growled, "but now he has to put a gash in my favorite shirt!  To
make it worse, it's in the shape of a J!"

"Actually, that was no fault of his," Luna replied, reaching behind her
and grabbing something---a large bottle.  "You did that on your own.
I could've warned you about that, but you didn't give me the chance."
Tensing her muscles, she hurled the bottle straight at the Joker.

The Joker saw it coming, of course; and in like manner, he raised one
hand toward the sky.  Don't ask how he managed it, but the familiar
lightning bolt managed to strike the bottle and shatter it into multiple
miniscule pieces...

...and coating the Joker's hands in a rather slippery substance: grease.

"Figures," Martina said, chuckling.  "She's a waitress.  Of course she'd
have grease.  Didn't think she could use it as a weapon, though."

The Joker didn't find it so funny; no thanks to the grease, the Howling
Sword slid right out of his hands and into the waiting grip of Zangulus.
And just like that, the tables had turned on Batman's longtime adversary.
"Um, supposing you win, of course.  Maybe we could talk about this---"
he uttered nervously, quickly tapping something on the wrist opposite the
bracelet.

He was interrupted as Phibrizzo got into his face, glaring at him with
enough heat to melt metal.  "Give...back...my...bracelet.  On second
thought..."  The monster reached over and yanked on it, pulling it
free.  As he slipped it back over his own wrist, he finished: "I'll just
TAKE it back."

Phibrizzo drifted backwards to join Luna and Zangulus, both of whom
were more than ready to unleash their own style of vengeance; even
Martina decided to get involved, joining her husband in wielding the
Howling Sword.  As the mazoku cupped his hands in front of him, an
evil smile materialized on his face.  "You know what?  I've been
waiting years to do this!"

"I suppose you have," the Joker said, flipping a few gold coins in Martina's
general direction and jumping off the cannonball.  Oddly enough, he
didn't seem the slightest bit worried; if anything, he looked bored.

A smile graced Luna's face, which was made even creepier by the hair
that obscured her eyes.  "Good!  Now that that's out of the way..."

"DARK HARSH!" - A massive black beam of fire exploded from Phibrizzo's hands.

"HOWLING SWORD, PART TWO!" - Zangulus and Martina's attack of choice tore
up the ground as it approached.

"ANCIENT RAMPAGE!" - A green dragon-shaped energy flare burst from Luna's
body.

All three of the attacks, however, were too late to stop the brilliant
flash of light that enveloped the Joker.  By the time the attacks collided
---and causing a temporary maelstrom that could be seen for miles---the
criminal was nowhere to be seen.

---------------

What they didn't know, of course, was that the watch was a sophisticated
piece of technology.  In effect, it served as a dimensional portal.
When everyone's attacks met, though, the explosive burst of power caused
the watch to self-destruct. **

The Joker examined the destroyed watch disgustedly, sitting down at a
"burrowed" desk back in Gotham City.  "It'll be awhile before I can go back.
That watch was one of a kind, and it cost a bundle just to make it...let
alone actually using it!"

"Then let me solve that problem for you," a familiar voice stated as the
Joker suddenly found himself lifted out of his seat.

Rule #1 for criminals: never be in the same room as Batman.

----------------

Phibrizzo and Luna searched around that part of the road, looking for
their target.  Martina and Zangulus had already high-tailed it out of
there, not wanting to be in the mazoku's presence for any longer than
necessary.

"Well, where is he?!" Phibrizzo shouted as Luna put out the
flames.  "I'm sure I saw him vanish right before those attacks hit!"

"He's gone home," an annoying voice spoke.  Sure enough, Xellos appeared
on top of the monstrous cannonball that was yet to be removed.  "That
device on his wrist was his ticket to his homeworld.  There's no way you
can reach the Joker now."

While Phibrizzo fumed over this, Luna turned and waved at Xellos.  "Hello,
Xellos.  I was wondering when you were going to show up."

"It had to have been sooner or later, since the Joker and I had basically
launched a minor prank war against your sister and her companions,"
Xellos answered, smirking.  "But it took me a while to get back; they're
still searching for me a few miles away."

"You, too?  I never would've guessed," Luna said sarcastically.  "By the
way, how's Zelas doing?  Haven't gotten to talk to her the last few
months."

"About what you expect," the mazoku priest responded.  "She doesn't have
any set goals for now, so she just has her minions cause some property
damage at random spots from time to time."

"Surprise, surprise.  Could you have her drop by sometime?  Our last
brass racquets match got interrupted by rain."

Xellos chuckled a little.  "Well, I'll see what I can---"

"YOU WERE IN LEAGUE WITH THE JOKER?!  Because of him, my favorite shirt
is ripped.  You're about as much to blame as he is!  COME HERE, YOU!"

Xellos never got to say anything else, because a flaming Phibrizzo was
soon chasing him over the horizon.  And, coincidentally, in the direction
of Lina and the others.

Luna just shook her head, amused.  "That's one way to get the little...
'Firebrat' off my case.  I gotta remember that name."  She stretched her
arms.  "Well, that's done.  Might as well get back to---"

"Uh, help!" someone in the woods shouted.  "Like, it's a bandit!"

The waitress sighed and shook her head.  "An Inverse's work is never
done," she muttered, walking into the trees towards the source of the
disturbance.

A minute later only a cloud of smoke, the smell of ozone, and the
remark: "Dude, it's the Knight of Ceiphied!" left any indication as to
Luna Inverse's whereabouts.

---------------------

* --- In actuality I got the idea for the lightning from the "Batman"
game, released for the NES.  The Joker was extremely hard for me to
beat, and I'm blaming the lightning.

** --- I didn't want to go into detail about this, but this burst of
power is explained a few times in the "Try" season.

If you remember what happened in Part 4.B, you know what happened to
Luna.  I wonder what she would think of 20th century Earth...

That's that.  I lost the file that had some of the story ideas, so I'll
probably just keep this going long enough to introduce a few original
characters.  If I ever find the file, though, I'll be back.

--Curtis Wildcat