This is Weird! ---Of Poets, Cameos, and Caffeine Part Seven Divided By Zero A "Slayers" production by G. A. Curtis Wildcat Send your flames to Zephilia's Lunar Tavern. The special today is sparkling water. ---------------------------------------------- A notice hung inconspicuously in a place where everyone could see it. Dozens more just like it were being hung throughout the city, courtesy of the town council. And everywhere one was hung, people gathered around it excitedly. The one hung outside the medicinal store was no exception, although eventually everyone got tired of looking at it. This allowed Amelia, who was heading to the store that morning for some supplies, to get a closer look at the sign when she walked by. A second later, she fell over when she tried to read the sign and walk away simultaneously. Pulling herself up, she stayed in one spot and read aloud. "20th annual poetry contest. At least 70 words. Pick any subject you want. Submit to the town council by sundown. The winners will be contacted tomorrow morning and given prizes based on finish. 1st place: 50 gold pieces, publication in the local newsletter, and lunch with the mayor. 2nd place: 30 gold pieces, publication, and a library pass good until the end of the year. 3rd place: 10 gold pieces, publication, and two new pairs of boots." Amelia shrugged, then smiled. "Any subject, huh? Then I know just what I'm going to write about." She looked at the store for a second then walked inside, brushing past a skinny man in a red coat as she did so. "First things first, though." ------ "You entered a poetry contest?" Lina asked as the group met in the town square a half-hour later. "Sounds like a waste of time if you ask me." "You're forgetting that Amelia writes all her own speeches," Zelgadis said, sipping from a cup of coffee and trying to ignore the two idiotic, snickering teenagers standing several meters behind him. "And she doesn't really have anything to lose by entering; even better if she gets into the top three." Lina sighed. "I suppose not. I'd never understand why some writers make a lot of money, but then again I'm not into poetry." She waved Amelia off. "Go on, find someplace to write your poem. I'm gonna find something else to do." A vein on her forehead throbbed. "Like pounding a pair of jerks, for instance!" As Amelia walked away, Lina spun around on her heels and adopted a furious expression. "You two shut up before I toast you!" "Really? Cool," the blonde-haired one said. "Fire! Fire, fire! Heh-heh-heh." Thankfully for the two uber-morons, a passing dimensional rift came by and swallowed them up before they could cause any mental damage. Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis, and Xellos stared slackjawed for several minutes, wondering what just happened. The other passers-by didn't even blink. ------ A bit later, having found a quiet spot in the town library, Amelia settled down to write her contest entry. "Let's see," she muttered. "I want to write this so it sends a message. It needs to be motivating, yet having a sense of calm. Something like...'A Hoarse Cry For Justice'. Perfect! Now...what words rhyme with 'justice'?..." She stood up. "This isn't working for me. Where's the dictionary?" A blue-haired girl approached her and handed her a large book. "Here you go, miss. You can use mine," she said, her voice quiet and friendly. Amelia smiled. "Thank you!" As the girl walked away, Amelia started flipping through the pages rapidly. After a minute or so of searching, she sat down again and began writing. ------ Since Amelia was off somewhere writing her poem, Lina and Gourry didn't have much else to do except walk around town. Zelgadis was sipping from another cup of coffee, and Xellos was making faces behind his back. Reaching a street corner, everyone else stopped walking and looked at Xellos. The fact that it was done at the same time wasn't lost on Gourry. "Now that's just creepy." "What's creepy?" Lina asked him. "We all just stopped and decided to look at Xellos at the same time." "I just thought I heard someone shouting 'Ni! Ni!' behind me," Lina explained, shrugging. "Simply coincidence." "Given the chance, I'd be looking at something else," Zelgadis muttered, sipping his coffee. "I turned to look at him because he was giving me rabbit ears behind my head." Xellos looked down at his hand, shook it, and smacked it a few times. "Bad! Evil hand! No more rabbit ears, for the last time!" "You need help," Lina muttered. Out loud, she said: "What's the deal with the poetry contest? You know anything about this?" Xellos shrugged. "A lot of the people here are keen on reading, education...things like that. They have that contest each year to encourage it." Lina glanced sideways at Gourry. "Something tells me you've never passed through here before we met, Gourry." "Should I have?" the swordsman asked. "It's not like I carry large books around wherever I go." "Eh, forget it," Lina growled, exasparated. "I've got nothing else to do, and neither does Xellos. I'm bored out of my skull." Xellos looked up from the folded-up paper triangle he was examining. "What makes you think I don't have anything else to---" "Excuse me?" someone asked behind Lina. "I'm looking for directions." Lina turned around to see who had asked her, and noticed a teenage kid with black unruly hair and a yellow bandanna. "Where do you need to go?" "I was supposed to meet someone at the town square," the kid explained, "and I'm having trouble getting there. Could you help me?" ---Must be a tourist,--- Lina mused. Pointing one hand eastward, she continued: "Sure. Head straight down the street until you see a fountain. You can't miss it." The kid nodded. "Thank you, miss." With that, he turned and headed westward. Gourry raced to catch up with him. "I think she meant the other way around, kid!" The teenager chuckled nervously, then turned in the indicated direction. "Thanks." The four of them watched as the unknown kid walked down the street. As he disappeared from view, there was a startled shout as a flock of birds took flight. A second later, an angry yell echoed throughout the streets: "RANMA, WHERE ARE YOU?! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Sweatdrops all around. Zelgadis took another sip of his coffee. "That was definitely strange." Lina blinked. "Why do I get the feeling that he wasn't supposed to be here?" Having that same feeling but dismissing it quickly, Xellos flicked the paper triangle at the back of Lina's head. As expected, this was enough to annoy her into picking up the triangle and throwing it back. In the end, Lina and Xellos started gathering stray sheets of paper and flicking little triangles at each others' heads. Gourry joined in, trying to keep track of how many times each side made contact. Zelgadis? He took another sip of his coffee and muttered something about children. -------------- In an unknown place, a mysterious entity stirred. "Hmmm? What's this?....A disturbance at the infamous city of Dimen Port?" the entity crooned quietly. "The dimensional barrier must be weakening due to the presence of a group of heroes." A few seconds later, a trace of mirth entered its voice. "I take it back. THAT group of heroes." -------------- The setting: Zephilia. A dark-haired girl and a platinum blonde-haired woman dashed down opposite ends of a brass racquets court, exchanging high-speed volleys and serves that never quite reached their targets. On the sidelines, an oddly-dressed brown-haired kid with a paper and pen watched the match go back and forth. "So let me get this straight," the woman snarled as she slammed the ball back at her opponent, "you were tricked by these two kids and..." The ball hurdled back towards her, and she smashed it back again. "...taken forward in the stream of time?" "Really unusual kids at that, too," the girl replied, backhanding the ball the other way. "Unusual clothes, unusual mannerisms...their time period was unusual, too. Probably someplace...outside the barrier." "Really? How so, Luna?" "You ever see an entire marketplace...stuffed underneath one roof? And their modes of transportation...if there were any horses around...I didn't see any. Plus, the drink...that they referred to as a 'Coca-Cola' was...unlike any I'd ever tasted up until then." Pause as Platinum-Blondie sent the ball zig-zagging around the court. "Yes, that IS unusual...Sounds like my kind of town. So...what happened after you got there?" "Well, turns out that the kids picked up some...other unusual people too---a philosopher, a musician...just to name a few. We split up, and I...had to follow the barbarian that was with us...I left him in an equipment store, and...I saw a guy juggling some knives and an apple...I got in on the act and even added...my sword and a few oranges. The folks loved it...but the marketplace guards didn't. They captured...most of the group and locked us up." A slight smirk. "Fun experience." "It doesn't end there, Zelas...the two kids that they missed came along and got us...out of jail, and took us to a nearby audience...chamber. Turned out that the...reason they kidnapped me and the others was to give...a history report to the people from their school; they needed...us along as visual aids. After everything was...said and done, they took us back to our...rightful places in the time stream." "So that's where you were when...I came by. I was wondering about that---" Someone tapped Zelas on her shoulder. She turned around---and got nailed twice. The right side of her face was hit by the ball; the left side was hit by a water-soaked hand. This caused her to lose focus and swerve around dizzily for a few moments. The owner of the hand withdrew it, looking huffy. "That was for having Xellos scramble my mind, -SISTER-!" she snapped. "I was fishing out of a snifter for a CENTURY before I was locked up, no thanks to you! Hmph! You should know better." Slightly calmer, she added: "Oh...hello, Ceiphied Knight. Didn't see you there. Bye-bye." As the woman teleported out, Zelas strolled over and looked at Luna. "Tell me...did I just get hit in the face by my demented sister, Deep Sea Dolphin?" Luna nodded. "Yep." "Does she look sane to you?" "Yep." "I thought as much." Beat. Wince. "Let's start that one over. That won't count as a hit." She turned to the kid, who wasn't even phased at Dolphin's appearance. "Got that, Conan?" "Got it!" -------------- Back at where the contest was taking place, Amelia entered the council building. There, she was greeted by a gentleman possessing a huge brown mustache. "Is this where I turn in my entry for the contest?" she asked. The man nodded. "Hello, miss. My name is Jonas Weezer, and I'm the mayor here. Since you're here, I can take the poem and give it the council." He accepted the poem from Amelia. "If you finish in the top three, I'll have one of the councilmen contact you." Amelia thanked the mayor and left. --------------- Lina and the others stood outside the inn that evening, watching the sunset. She didn't know about anyone else, but she was glad that she'd be leaving the town tomorrow afternoon. Things were getting just a little too strange for her liking. A bit bored, she turned her head towards Zelgadis. The chimera was on his thirteenth cup of coffee that day, and he was showing no signs of stopping. "Zel, I know you like coffee, but this is ridiculous." Zelgadis's stare bored right into her; if it was any colder, he could've shot a Vice Freeze using only his eyes. "Do you have a problem with that, Lina?" he muttered, sipping his coffee. Lina quickly waved her hands. "Okay, okay!" As soon as Zelgadis calmed down, she turned away from him and started thinking: ---Man, question him about his caffeine intake and he becomes a different person...well, maybe not that different, but still...--- A man dashed by the group; Amelia recognized the red-coated man she saw at the medicine shop earlier. Another man in a brown coat passed by them as well, screaming at his target. Gourry took in the spectacle in his usual manner. "That's the seventh time those guys have run through here. Are they entering a race?" Xellos shrugged. "Who can say? They certainly seem like the energetic type." "Just ignore them, guys," Lina grumbled, her stomach doing the same. She reached inside a pocket for her coin purse. "Let's just get inside and grab some din---how did...?!" Everyone jerked their heads towards her; suddenly, her angry face matched her hair. "Lina, what is it?" Amelia asked, fearing what was going to happen. "Why, that sneaky little thief!" Lina growled, cracking her knuckles. "He just stole my coin purse!" Amelia placed her hands on Lina's in an attempt to calm her down, then reached inside a pocket. "Don't worry, Lina. I can pay for..." her expression became indignant. "No, I can't! He stole my money too, and I didn't even know it!" In that moment, they knew what to do. ---No one steals from us!--- they were thinking. ---No one!--- The two of them bolted after the thief, running and shouting angrily: "LUPIN, GET BACK HERE!" Only a pair of dust clouds marked their passing. Zelgadis sipped his coffee. "Get dinner, or follow them? They should be more than a lone thief can handle." "Get dinner," Gourry and Xellos agreed. The three of them strolled into the inn, ignoring Lupin and his three pursuers. --------- The following hours passed quickly. Lina and Amelia eventually caught up to Lupin and got their money back, but the thief slipped free from them and escaped. They trudged back to the inn, ate some dinner, and crawled into bed. Lina couldn't sleep, though...something was bothering her; and after a second of searching, she found the reason why. Reaching into the blankets, she pulled out a tiny black cat with humungous yellow eyes. "You weren't here earlier, were you?" she asked, glaring at the little feline. "Mowww." "I didn't think so." Tossing the cat out the window, Lina went back to bed and fell back to sleep again, ignoring the startled cry of "Oro!" as the cat landed on someone. ------- The following morning after breakfast, Amelia was met by a man with a painted-on moustache and glasses. "Go to the council building and take a number. You've finished in the top three." Cheering silently, the princess thanked him and skipped out of the inn. The mustached man looked at the others. "Is she always this jovial?" "Yeah, just about," Lina answered with looking at him. "She'd probably cheer for a mouse if it was fighting for freedom." "No wonder you're so cagey," the man commented dryly as he departed. ---------- There were a few other people there when Amelia arrived, including the blue-haired girl that she recognized from the library. The third person, a brown-haired swordsman several years older than her, looked like he never wanted to be here. Shaking away his image, Amelia looked at another councilman; this one was a thin man with a yellow card labeled "AFV" in his hand. Tensing herself, she waited for the announcement. "Alright. The second-place, 30 gold-piece winner is: Ami Mizuno, with her entry 'Soldier of Ice'." Waiting for the applause in the background to stop, he continued. "And the first-place, 50 gold-piece winner is: Soujiro Seta, with his entry 'Search for Meaning'." The young swordsman chuckled nervously as the applause kicked in and his gold was awarded. "I wasn't really expecting to do so well. Thank you." A green-headed man in a yellow suit approached Ami and Amelia, awarding the library pass to the former and a pair of new green boots (exactly like the original) to the latter. Ami nodded her thanks, accepted the awarded gold too, and left. Amelia received her ten-gold share, but something was still bothering her. "Excuse me, but the ad said that the third-place winner would get TWO pairs of boots. This is only one." "Ooh, I think you're right," the green-headed man chortled. Getting a shocked expression, he pointed behind the Seyruunian princess and exclaimed: "Look out behind you! There's something blue headed your way!" Reflexively, Amelia spun around. Right before the thought that she'd been tricked could cross her mind, the man wound up and delivered a punt---using both feet somehow---that would make a pro football coach proud of him. One "YAAAAAAHHHHHH!!" and a large hole later, Amelia was shot through the ceiling like a missile and kept on going. "Oops. It's just the sky! Ha, ha, ha!" the kicker stated before turning into a tornado and spinning away, ignoring the "what-in-the-world-was-that" expression on Soujiro's face. ------------------------- At the time, Lina and the gang were waiting outside the inn for Amelia to return. Lina was stating repeatedly that there was no way a striped orange cat could eat more than her and Gourry put together; said swordsman was watching something in the sky; Xellos was waiting for an excuse to leave and make his report to Zelas, and Zelgadis...was drinking some coffee. Deciding that fuming about an overweight cat wasn't getting her anywhere, Lina turned her attention back to Zelgadis's coffee. "Honestly, Zel. I don't know how you stand it. The stuff's so bitter." "Um, Lina?" That was Gourry. "Half a teaspoon of cream solves that problem," Zelgadis commented off-handedly. "Normally I don't drink so much coffee, but this city has my nerves on edge somewhat." "SPOOOOONN!" someone shouted in the background. "That's what I mean." "Lina? IFP." Lina growled irritably before turning to Gourry. "What is it, Gourry? What do you mean, 'IFP'?" Gourry pointed at what he was staring at a second ago. "Incoming Flying Princess." That was all the warning they had before an airborne Amelia crashed into them with the force of...well, an airborne Amelia. Xellos took this opportunity to teleport out, relishing the chance to escape the city early. From the bottom of the crater, Amelia groaned. "I should've known that there was a catch." Pulling herself up, Lina thrust a fist into the air and shook it angrily. "I have had enough of this town! By the time it's finished with us, we'll be grease stains on the bottom of the pot---what?" A spherical red/white object had rolled into the crater, sparking with electricity and reciting something in a constant monotone. Landing on top of the foursome, the impact was enough for it to glow brightly and explode, forcing them even deeper into the crater. Too tired to move and covered with dust, Lina continued her angry tirade from where she was embedded in the side of the crater. "Come on! Do the citizens here have to take whatever I say as an insult?! My patience is wearing thin..." Beat. "Uh-oh." The others slowly managed to pick themselves off the ground. "What is it, Lina?" Zelgadis inquired, taking a sip of his coffee---which had somehow managed to survive both Amelia's fall and the explosion. Lina cupped her ear, suddenly shuddering. "There it is again. It's a sound that I've dreaded for several years now..." She flinched. "It's happening again!" Over the wind, the worst sound anyone could ever hope to hear drifted into the ears of the four Slayers... "AH-HAHAHOHOHO!" Suddenly feeling rejuvenated, Lina grabbed them all---including Zelgadis---and gave a mighty leap that cleared the crater. "That's it. I'm not sticking around for this. I'm getting out of here!" she exclaimed frantically, deciding immediately to make a mad dash out of town. It would be better for their sanity, at least. As the group departed the town for good, a small solitary object floated to the ground a hundred meters from the inn. As it did so, the ground shook violently; homes were rattled, and citizens were knocked off their feet. Finally, as the termors subsided, someone moved closer to see what the object was. It was a black rose petal. ------ That was no ordinary earthquake. That was the Lord of Nightmares committing her face to the floor...almost to a fault. ====================== Cameos everywhere! Make a mental list of how many non-Slayers appearances and references you can find. If you can find them all, buy some nachos and congratulate yourself. If anyone's having difficulty with a reference or two, I'll package the complete list with the next part. Toodles! --Curtis Wildcat