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Group MSTing 3

"The Misery Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle", by Peter W. Guerin

Misted by Matt Blackwell, Tyler Dion, Douglas Gale, Brendan Herlihy, Bill Livingston, Eric Schepers, Harold Tessmann III, Rebo Valence, and Valeria

Take me to this MSTing NOW!

The subtitle dubs this a "Daira-Sailor Moon Crossover".  Not "Daria".  "Daira".  Joy. 

Ami, whose alter ego Sailor Mercury acts as the brains of the Sailor Senshi (she knows where to buy the hair care products), asks her e-mail friend from America, MTV's Daria Morgendorfer, to replace her on the Sailor Squad while Ami goes to medical school in Germany.  This is a cue for not one but THREE separate terrorist organizations to attack: a Japanese group (NIRAA) led by Amazana Yoriko (a.k.a. Yerko) steals Japan's new "Neo-Zero" high-tech jet fighter prototype and starts bombing the hell out of Tokyo; the Islamic Jihad hijack the plane Ami takes to Germany so they can re-route it to Lawndale and explode a nuclear bomb (wouldn't it have been simpler to steal a flight GOING to Lawndale?); and finally, an American militia group led by Anthony Corlew plot to take over Daria's hometown during the "great Lawndale-Highland football game".  Oh, and Beavis and Butthead are in town to watch the game, for some reason. 

OK.  So, in Story A, a brand new superhero, the oddly talking Solar Warrior (a.k.a. The Sun Jerk) comes to Tokyo to drive the Neo-Zero away, after only a few thousand dead civilians- but no time to dwell on THEM!  It's off to Story B!  Where Ami as Sailor Mercury fights the vicious terrorist Allah Akbar (easily the most racist character name this side of Steppen Fetchit).  Their struggle gets interrupted three or four times by Story C, where the great Lawndale-Highland football game will take place right after Trent Lane and Mystic Spiral sing the National Anthem for a few hours. 

Back to B!  Ami freezes Akbar and throws him off the plane and he falls in the ocean and a shark eats him and the atomic bomb explodes harmlessly inside it, just like she planned.  Huh?

C!  The game starts.  But B!  Ami can't control the plane and it crashes into the stadium!  C!  The militia seize the moment and start shooting people!  D!  Beavis and Butthead grab Quinn Morgendorfer and take her back to Highland kicking and screaming.

B!  Ami survives the plane crash, and teams up with Mr. DeMartino, who has a secret stash of semi-automatic weapons to hand out to his students to defend the town, creating a new story, B-slash-C, or C-slash-B if you're so inclined.

A!  The Neo Zero shoots about a pound and a half of high-grade lead into Sailor Moon!  Daria, upset, runs after the plane, only to be captured by NIRAA agents!  D!  Quinn escapes Beavis and Butthead, and Ami freezes the ribald miscreants!

A!  In the most interminable scene of a most interminable story, the evil Hitler doctor who runs NIRAA tells Daria his origin story, even though WE COULDN'T CARE LESS.

B!  Or C!  Or something!  The militia sentences the mayor of Lawndale to death by firing squad!  Which brings us to A!  Where Daria is in FRONT of a firing squad!  But Tuxedo Mask and Sailor Neptune save her and run away!  Cut to A!  Which is the same story, but anyway!  Sailor Moon almost dies, but the Solar Warrior saves her with his "solar healing disc"!  He then begins the SECOND most interminable part of the fanfic, the Solar Warrior's origin story!

B, C, D!  Beavis and Butthead escape the police, and return to rape Quinn- but A!  Daria and Sailor Moon teleport in to save Quinn by kicking Beavis and Butthead approximately- what, a hundred forty-eight times in the crotch?  After which everyone joins the student resistance and defeats the militia.  In an out-of-character action typical of this story, Trent kills Corlew by throwing a knife into his heart.

So everyone (and I mean everyone) goes back to Japan.  A couple of'em confront the evil Hitler Doctor, who was immortal but drops his last immortality pill and crumbles to dust before their eyes.  Daria and Ami do battle with the Neo-Zero in a dangerously obsolete WWII surplus plane, but defying all odds (and logic), they shoot it down. 

BUT, Yerko parachutes to safety, OD's on immortality pills and becomes a sixty-foot ogre.  Suddenly two Shinto gods materialize to save Japan (deus ex machina, anyone?).  Everyone dogpiles on Yerko, and it ain't pretty.  Sailor Moon finishes her off.  Finally, everyone is safe, Japan is free, and all receive their just desserts. 

So of course the story goes on for *another twenty pages!*  And then there's an epilogue.  And in a twist so demoralizing you want to cry, there's an APPENDIX, which goes on for SEVERAL HUNDRED PAGES about anything and everything and yet about nothing.  And then the author explains his "jokes".  And you're quite ready to slather yourself in butter and pop your head under the broiler.  You're done.

HOST SEGMENTS

Opening: Gypys, Tom and Crow give us an ominous, yet familiar, look at the future.

Segment One: Pearl taunts how she's going to destroy Mike "utterly and totally" with today's experiment, once Bobo can negotiate the rights with the author- Bobo's got'em on the cell phone right now.

Segment Two: Tom and Crow build the SOL's new "hologazebo". Mike demonstrates how dangerous it is by setting it on "Fluffy, Fuzzy Bunnies have a Picnic", standing back, and watching the carnage.

Segment Three: While Mike and Tom play "Settlers of Cataan", Crow tries to convince them that he's been made a Sailor Scout, Sailor Dark Matter. "I make up 98% of the mass of the universe, but the cool part is I may not even exist!".

Segment Four: Gypsy, Mike, Tom, and Crow, waiting for the plane sketch.

Segment Five: Terrorists storm the SOL, saying they are seizing control to "strike a blow at the heart of the Great Satan... The Circle K at 315 Vine in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico!" Mike tries to warn them to stay out of the hologazebo, but the fuzzy bunnies claim more victims.

Segment Six: Mike unveils the new "Neo" SOL. It features a Neo Window, and a Neo Wall.

Segment Seven: The SOL, as NHK News, broadcasts NINE tapes of the Neo-Zero terrorist's demands. Except that they're not so much terrorists as various people who want to get on TV. Includes a bizarre cameo by the cast of "Space Ghost".

Segment Eight: Gypsy performs "Hironamus Defined: An Omnivore's Story", a touching one-woman tribute to the cruelly-exploded shark in the story. Mike needs to consult her for a navigation problem. Method actor to a fault, she eats him.

Segment Nine: Tom starts his own militia, and his own militia web site. It's so successful, he becomes a capitalist bourgeoise pig, and his militia overthrows him.

Segment Ten: Tom and Crow show their NEW new invention, the Soundtrack-o-tron, which automatically adds the right pop song to a story, just like in "Daria". We get caught in a vicious "Pina Colada Song" loop.

Segment Eleven: Crow pulls a lever, and can't wait to see what it does. Pearl hires a clown for a kid's party, and it's Yerko from today's story. She's nasty, brutal, and short-tempered.

Segment Twelve: As the SOLer's disparrage Beavis and Butthead, the buttmucnhes themselves show up on the hexfield to insist they're just actors playing dumb louts on TV. Crow uses a match to reveal the truth.

Segment Thirteen: The crew reflects on what a rotten concept a Daria/Sailor Moon crossover is. Tom and Crow try to come up with WORSE crossover concepts. They go on for quite a while.

Segment Fourteen: It's the Data 13 recap! Pathos! Conflict! And singin' monks!

Segment Fifteen: While Mike obsesses over jelly, Pearl is under siege from multiple factions of potential world-conquerors. Turns out they've just got the wrong address.

Segment Sixteen: Tom and Crow have contracted odd speaking patterns based on the odd title of today's story. "Moby Dick" becomes "Whale Pegleg Soothsayer Ishmael Queequeeg".

Segment Seventeen: The SOL sings a song parody as epic as today's story. Unfortunately, Pearl informs them the story's not over. The crew drudges back to the theater for the Appendix.

Segment Eighteen: Mike, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy each become voice-overs, narrating letters they are writing. As one would imagine, it gets kind of sad.

Segment Ninteen: Tom and Crow submit that they're in one of the Chinese Hells. They unveil their list of Chinese Hells to confirm their case. Mike points out the story is set in Japan, and contends that his robots just wanted to do a list of hells.

Segment Twenty (count'em, Twenty!): The Castle Forrester revels, as they believe they've finally found the story to conquer the world. But to their shock, the SOL emerges from "Misery Senshi" unbroken and unbowed- even though "it was really long. And the crossovers didn't mesh really well together. And a few of the characters seemed a bit off. And that Appendix was a sadistic soul-sucking devil remora that latches onto mankind with hideous, Japanese mandibles, draining us of all that is just and fair and good until all that is left of us is a trembling husk staring vacuously into space, endlessly repeating the name, "Guerin... Guerin... GUERIN!!!"

Stinger: Sailor Moon couldn't realize what was happening first.

REFLECTIONS: 

Fan fiction runs the gamut from good to very very very bad, but there's nothing sadder than an author who takes the characters of a show he purports to like, and screws them over.  There is no Daria in this Daria crossover.  There is an obnoxious, slow-witted smart-aleck with Daria's name, who hates everybody and everything and says "Up yours!" a lot, but it's not Daria.  In fact, of the thirty-some characters pulled from other shows for Devil's Island-like sentences in this story, only the Sailor Scouts act anything like themselves (i.e., annoying).

When I signed on for the team MSTing, I thought the size of it (over 400 pages) wasn't that big a deal.  That's like agreeing to watch your neighbor's Saint Bernard before discovering its bladder control problem.  This fic hurt.  It hurt bad.  And then it hurt some more.  And then, eight months later, you hit the Appendix.  Ergh.

In the last segment of the MSTing, as Mike and the bots recite some of the story's problems, Crow gives a long, disturbing "diss" to the Appendix (see Segment Twenty).  It's pretty much the full text of an e-mail I sent to editor Matt Blackwell when he asked how the work was coming. 

I'm much better now.

Still, Matt was so great to work with that I'm glad I did it.  Plus I got to riff with Bill Livingston, just about the funniest MSTer I've ever read.  *And*, I got to write: "My apathy has become so palpable I should adopt it as a pet."  Not a bad year at the office, all around.

Take me to this MSTing NOW!

You can't go Home again.  Unless you click on that "Home" I so conveniently underlined for you.