"The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle"

=== PART 4 of 4 ===

Written by Peter W. Guerin
Misted by Matt Blackwell, Tyler Dion, Douglas Gale,
Brendan Herlihy, Bill Livingston, Eric Schepers,
Harold Tessmann III, Rebo Valence, and Valeria

==========================================================

[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]

[Tom and Crow push Mike into the theater.]
Mike: Guys! I have to finish my website! I'm going to
Call it "Johnny Giganto Liver!" It'll be great!
Crow: Sit down, Mike!
Mike: Fine. But when I send out those $1.18 checks,
don't you be expecting one.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Data 15: Sailor Misery Chick Takes to the Skies
>

Crow: o/~ Off we go... into the an-ti-cli-max! o/~

>Gen. Torymura and Mamoru were both pacing the floor. The waiting
>was the hardest part in any battle.

Mike: Except for that 'getting shot at and dying' part.

> One did not know until the
>troops came back as to who survived and who was injured or dead.
>

Crow: But they're all drafted civilians, so it's okay.

>"They've got to be OK!," Mamoru finally said.
>

Mike: Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

>Suddenly, there was a blinding flash of light.

Tom: They were now revved up like a deuce, another runner in
the night.

> Usagi, Daria,
>Ami, Jane, Trent, Jesse, Mack and Jodie had finished their
>teleportation.

Crow: Jodie's head is on Ami's body with Daria's leg comin'
from Jesse's chest.

> Mamoru couldn't hold back his feelings.
>

Tom: [Mamoru] Not them again!

>"Usako, you're back!," Mamoru said as he ran to her and kissed
>her.

Mike: [Mamoru] But ugh! What are all these hideous leech-like
growths attached to you?
Crow: [Jane] Um, hi. Jane Lane. Charmed.

> "I was worried." He then took a look at Daria. "Daria,
>what's with the bikini?"
>

Tom: [Daria] I got involved in a suicide bikini frisbee
match. We would have won too if that idiot Torg didn't
keep getting tackled...

>"Long story, Mamoru," Daria said.
>
>Mamoru noticed that Ami was with them. "Ami, you're alive! What
>happened?"
>
>"As Daria just said, it's a long story," Ami said.
>

Crow: It started with this big business pep rally, then Usagi
woke up and Daria got a letter and...
Tom: Crow, I *will* hurt you!

>Daria then turned to her friends and said, "Guys, I want you to
>meet my friends."

All: [cry] NO-HO-HO!
Crow: [crying] Not another introduction scene!
Mike: [clutching head] Dear lord, people in reception
lines meet less people than we do!

> She began with Jane and went from left to
>right. "This is Jane Lane;

Tom: o/~ Janey Lane is in my ears and in my eyes... o/~

> that's her brother Trent; the guy
>next to him is Jesse Moreno;

Crow: [Torymura] Oh, I know you! I loved you in "West Side
Story"!

> the black guy is Michael Jordan
>Mackenzie;

Mike: [Mack] Hi! I'm "the black guy"!

> we just call him 'Mack';

Mike: Except Kevin, who calls him "Mack Daddy".

> and the black women with him
>is Jodie Landon.

Crow: [Jodie] And I'm the black guy's woman! It's a pleasure
to be taken for granted by you!
Tom: Actually it's Iman. She's looking for that Bowie knife...

> Everyone, this is Gen. Torymura Keiichi of the
>Japan Air Self Defense Force, along with Chiba Mamoru, a/k/a
>Tuxedo Mask."
>

Mike: [Tuxedo] Oh. Thanks for spoiling my secret ID, Daria.
Now the Joker's going to kill my family, thanks to you.

>Tuxedo Mask extended his hand to Trent and said, "Welcome to
>Japan.

Tom: Here's your complimentary dishonor.

> I wish it was under better circumstances."
>
>"Hey, man, it was one strange trip," Trent replied.
>

Tom: o/~ Busted, down on Bourbon Street... o/~
Crow: I never traveled by cut-away before. Weird.

>"So, how are things here?," Sailor Moon asked.
>
>"Not good," Tuxedo Mask said. "Tokyo has virtually been bombed
>to rubble.

Tom: [Tuxedo] Granted, it was already virtually rubble, thanks
to the constant Godzilla, and Gamera, and Bun-zira attacks,
but it's still nearly rubble.

> Even now Yoriko and the Neo-Zero are heading for the
>Imperial Palace. We've got to stop her."
>
Mike: [after a pause] Well, that didn't work! I'm out of
ideas! Anyone?
Tom: [Tuxy] We were about to leave without you.

>Ryu, Gov. Nagai and the Solar Warrior returned. "You'd better
>turn on the TV and tune in to NHK," Ryu said. "The Emperor is
>giving a speech."
>

Crow: And there's these three silhouettes at the bottom of the
screen making jokes while he's talking! It's a riot!

>The TV was turned on. There on NHK was the entire Imperial
>Family:

Crow: Bob & Patty Imperial, and their kids, Bob Jr, Suzie
and little Marty Imperial.

> Emperor Akihito, Empress Michiko,

Tom: Stephen Biko, Project A-ko, and Bingo was his name-o!

> Crown Prince Naruhito
>and his wife, Crown Princess Masako, and all the other immediate
>members,

Mike: Say, let's avoid the obvious ref on this one.
Tom: Sure thing.
Crow: She's getting overexposed anyway.
Tom: Still, somewhere there's a long lost Japanese colony
planet where she's the heir...

> as well as the Prime Minister and members of the
>Cabinet. In the background was the Imperial Standard, which had
>the Imperial Mon, or crest, of a yellow sixteen-pedaled
>chrysanthemum on a red field,

Mike: The ancient Sho-guns had the ones that squirt water in
your face when you looked at it.

> along with the Prime Minister's
>flag of five white chrysanthemums in a pentagon arrangement on a
>yellow field and the familiar national flag of a red disk on a
>white filed.

Crow: Do you know what type of people would have their
nation's symbol be a flower? Pansies! [snicker]

> The Emperor stood up.
>

[All hum the Imperial March from SW]

>"Citizens of Japan," the Heisei Emperor began,

Mike: Well, that's not us. I guess we can ignore him.
Tom: Fat chance.

> "we stand at a
>perilous crossroads in our nation's long history.

Mike: [Emperor] And we've lost the map we got from the Exxon
station.

> There are
>forces here in this nation who are trying to destroy over half a
>century of peaceful, democratic progress.

Crow: Do these forces make inane, interminable speeches? If
not, let's give'm a chance for Christ Sake!

> We must not succumb to
>those who would ruin all the progress that has been made in these
>past five decades. We have always been a resilient people.

Mike: [Emperor] As typified by ancient proverb, "You can't keep
a good man from crashing his plane into you."

> When
>the West visited us nearly a century and a half ago, we realized
>that we had to adapt and modernize.

Tom: [Emperor] And when the Lizards invaded in 1942, we fought
them too!

> After the tragic events of
>the 1920's through the 1940's--where ruthless military leaders
>led our nation to disaster--we resolved to rebuild, even taking
>some help from those had been victorious against us.

Crow: And remember, folks! That meant listening to French
lectures on hygiene!

> Some would
>question that assistance, but in the long run, it has been for
>the better.

Mike: [puzzled] So, you're saying we should ask NIRAA to help
pay for the reconstruction?

> Are we to go back to the chaos of that terrible
>time, or are we to embrace the dawn of the new millennium by
>fighting back against these extremist elements?

All: [chanting] Cha-os! Cha-os! Cha-os!

> Therefore, it is
>the duty of every citizen of this nation to fight back against
>those who would bring chaos to our nation.

Tom: Ah, so make the terrorists conform! Finally the emperor
puts it in language the Japanese can understand!

> We must fight to
>protect one of the strongest democratic regimes ever known.

Crow: Second only to Canada, France, England, Colombia, Mexico...

> We
>must defend our way of life and our peaceful economy. We must
>stand up and fight back, even if we must resort of sharpened
>bamboo stick to fend off the enemy and fall to the last man.

Mike: [Yerko, evil] Bow before the might of the Neo Zer-
[suddenly terrified] Aaugh! He's got a sharp stick!

> Now
>what is at stake here is not territorial expansion or defeating
>foreign troops;

Crow: No, nothing as concrete and tangible as *that*!
Tom: You folks will be sacrificed for a concept best
expressed in this new pamphlet, "Die for Your Own Damned
Good", on sale in the lobby for just $5.95!

> it is the very survival of our nation that is at
>stake. Go out and fight for what is right, and may all the kami
>and megami who watch over our nation defend us."
>

Tom: Do Kami & Megami come with yummy salami?

>"The Emperor did the right thing, just like his father before
>him," Gen. Torymura said.
>

Crow: He wore the red tie with the dark blue suit. Nice.

>"The people are now on his--and our--side," the Solar Warrior
>said.
>

Mike: Thank goodness, no more chants of "Death Plane, Death
Plane, he's our man!"

>"Now if we could only hear if we'll get any outside help," Usagi
>said.

Mike: Yeah, well, the world's still catching its breath from
that whole "Lawndale Militia" deal.
Tom: I don't know, guys, maybe it's me. Maybe I just
misunderstood what a superhero's job *was*.
Crow: Yeah, maybe Superman hangs out all day reading the
Daily Planet, shaking his head, goin' "Terrible... just
terrible. Someone should do something about this."

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>Yoriko heard the entire speech on a portable radio.

Crow: o/~ Who can take a nothing day! And ram a Neo-Sidewinder
missile up your ass! o/~
Mike: Well it's Yerko! And you should know it!
Tom: With each glance and every burning schoolchild she shows
it.

> She was not
>pleased.
>

Crow: He'd pre-empted Casey Kasem.

>"The Emperor has betrayed us!," Yoriko said. "He will pay!"

Tom: [Yoriko] I *was* gonna kill him, but now I'll, uh,
I'll, I'll... Oh! Got it! SEE YOU IN SMALL CLAIMS COURT,
YOU BASTARD!
Mike: Ahhh! I wish all the scenes were this short.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------

Crow: Later, in the palatial summer home of "Mess Hall
Byzantium Niece Hero Bugaloo"!

>Dr. Vander Helffen had heard the entire speech himself and
>decided that action had to be taken.
>

Mike: [Helffen] I'm going to refinance my home! The interest
rates are so low right now!

>"Yoriko has now become too much of a liability to successfully
>carry out her mission," he said to some ninja soldiers. "She
>will now blindly try to fulfill a blood lust.

Crow: Oh, can't he see she's all torn up inside? He should
be reaching out to her right now!

> Get my Iron Cross
>robotic armor and suit me up.

Tom: He has his own personal Ninja dressers.

> I will go to the Imperial Palace
>myself and take care of matters."

Tom: Attention all bad guys! Congregate at the death planes'
next target! Wear that special bomb attracting uniform
we've been working on!

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>Back at SDF HQ, a private arrived with a message for Gen.
>Torymura.
>

Mike: [Torymura] Hot dog! Someone wants to buy my old Dodge
Dart! Woo-hoo!

>"I'm afraid it's not good," the private said. "The Americans
>will not be sending any help, nor anyone else for that matter.

Tom: Oh wait. They did send a squad of National Hockey
League players, along with a memo titled, "Operation:
Human Shield".

>The American bases have been far too damaged, and popular opinion
>is against them interfering in what they feel is an internal
>affair.

Tom: Yeah, who needs to protect billions in investments?
Mike: Or avenge the deaths of those fighter pilots from
earlier in the story.
Crow: Hey, we're the US! We can develop a fat-free potato
chip, but when it comes to defending the free world,
it's every man for himself!

> The Russians, Chinese, British, French and others have
>expressed similar problems, as well as limited resources and
>budgetary concerns."
>

Tom: And something that sounded like "How you like those
impenetrable trade barriers *now*?"

>"It looks like we stand alone, then," Gen. Torymura said. "It's
>time to fall back on my back-up plan.

Crow: Scampering away with our tails tucked.

> Take Ms. Morgendorffer and
>her friends to Mr. Hamada's place in Narita."
>

Crow: Treat'em right. And here's a little something for you.
Buy somethin' pretty with it.

>The private saluted and motioned to the others.
>

Tom: Let's blow. Boring party anyway. BYOB my ass.

>"We have to go someplace.

Mike: And do something. With someone. Somehow.

> We have an ace in the hole," was all
>the private said.

Crow: Did you hear? We're blackmailing some incompetent
superheroes to help us! What? What'd I say?

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>It was a considerable drive given the bombed-out conditions of
>the roads in Tokyo.

Mike: Apparently the death plane is just taking a leisurely
stroll towards the palace.
Crow: From Tokyo to Isaka via Albany!
Tom: Hurtling through the sky at speeds up to four miles
per hour!

> They weren't that much better once they
>entered Chiba-ken. Once they got to Narita, though, they were
>much improved.

Tom: Almost 20% of the potholes had been filled in.
Mike: Plus the looters gave the community a festive Mardi
Gras type of atmosphere.

> Finally, the SDF Humvee reached the residence of
>the Hamadas. They stepped out of the Humvee and went to the
>front door.

Tom: [private] OK, now remember. Our car broke down, we need
to use the phone, and you guys dress like that because
you're slow and it makes you feel special.

> The private rang the doorbell. Ieyasu answered.
>

Crow: [Ieyasu] Stop ringing my bell you damn kids!

>"I have been expecting you," he said. "Come in."
>

Crow: [Ieyasu] Mind you wipe your feet. The little missus
just waxed the floors.

>They entered the house.

Mike: [Ieyasu] Good! Now get out before I call the cops!

> It was like most houses in post-war
>Japan, of somewhat Western style but with some of the touches of
>traditional Japanese living. As customary, everyone's shoes were
>removed.

Tom: She undoes her bootlaces! o/~ La la, LA-la, la! o/~

> Daria could see that for all the modern day
>conveniences, the house still had tatami mats on the floor; so
>important were these mats in traditional Japanese architecture
>that rooms were often measured in how many of these mats could
>fit in them.

Mike: Depends on how high you stack them.
Crow: It's a job for - TATAMI-VOLUME GUESSING MAN!!!
Tom: [muttering] Here we go again!

> Here in the living room--which was one of two rooms
>done in the traditional Japanese style--stood the tokonoma, or
>alcove for art;

Mike: Oh, look, a Pollack! Neat.

> off to the side was the family shrine. There was
>the TV and the radio, along with a computer and a short-wave CB.
>

Crow: For those times when interstate truckers need to have
something on the web checked.

>"Pretty impressive place you have here, sir," Daria finally said.
>
>"I am Hamada Ieyasu,

All: *Gezundheit!*

> but almost everyone here calls me by my
>nickname I had when I once was working for Toyota's American
>operations,

Tom: Bonehead!

> 'Harry'.

Crow: Harry?
Mike: Yes, aren't we all.

> As you can tell, I don't let old age slow
>me down.

Mike: That's what the Alzheimer's for!

> You see, I just happen to be a special operative for
>the SDF."
>
>"Huh?," Usagi said in surprise.
>

Tom: Her perpetual state of existence.

>"You see, I do have a lot of expertise in these matters.

Crow: I've had death planes drop bombs on me since I was knee-
high to a crawdad!

> When
>the militarists took over our nation, I was contacted by a group
>of concerned Japanese-Americans who were worried about our nation
>being involved with the Axis powers.

Mike: [group] Can we really trust a country whose march is
named for a goose?

> I played the role of the
>good soldier, volunteering to be with the old JIAAF,

Crow: Even back then, it tasted more like fresh-roasted peanuts!

> while at the
>same time giving information about upcoming attacks on American
>positions.

Crow: [Usagi] Oh, you were a traitor!
Mike: [Ieyasu] Yep! So you know I'm trustworthy!

> Even after the unfortunate relocation of the
>Japanese-American population, the American government thought I
>would be of service to them.

Mike: What is this, "Schindlerohito's List"?

> I was even entrusted with special
>messages that were sent to me by the famed Navaho Code Talkers,

Crow: This is going to turn into an X-Files crossover, I just
know it.

>which you know out government was unable to decipher. I admit
>that I did some things I was not proud of for both sides, but I
>was never suspected.

Mike: [Ieyasu] Well, except for those meddling kids and their
dog, but I took care of them.

> When I had the opportunity to capture
>American POW's, I let them escape after briefing them about my
>activities;

Crow: [Ieyasu to escaping POW] Oh! And that stuff about me
being a double agent was just between us, OK?

> if I was captured by the Americans, I always told the
>top brass about my covert activities on the behalf of their
>government.

Mike: [Ieyasu, to brass] And I put a tack on Mussolini's chair...
Tom: [brass, humoring him] Uh-huh.
Mike: And I put sugar in Hitler's gas tank...
Tom: Really!
Mike: And I replaced the emperor's secret plans for attacking
California with a play from a Lawndale football game!

> I was one of the first persons to warn the new Truman
>Administration that the government was willing to sacrifice
>everyone to save their nation.

Crow: By proclaiming National Hari Kari day! Music, rides,
and free katanas for the kids!

> It was perhaps one of the reasons
>why the atomic bombs fell on Hiroshima and Nagasaki."
>

Mike: [Ieyasu] So I'm a hero, right? Right?

>"And you have no remorse over that?," Daria said.
>
>Ieyasu continued, "I'll admit that I do feel remorse that many
>died in those two attacks. But it is known that some American
>POW's died as well.

Tom: A million Japanese, a couple of G.I.'s... yeah, nothing to
cry about really. We felt their pain.

> But as I see it, atrocities were made by
>everyone in the war, so it's a wash.

Crow: [Ieyasu] Wash! I forgot my sponge bath. Sailor Moon,
be a dear and...
Mike: [Usagi] Ew, yuck! No!

> What matters is the here
>and now. Anyway, after the war, I did my part in reconstructing
>the nation;

Tom: [Ieyasu] I even kept this rock from Hiroshima as a
souvenir! See? What, why are you running? Did I say
something?

> I assisted the occupation forces in various matters,

Mike: [Ieyasu] Pointin' out subversives. Boy, did I abuse *that*
power!

>and after they left, I was contacted by my government about
>forming a special unit that would keep an eye on groups that
>would try to bring back militarism.

Crow: [Japanese government] Let us get the double agent who
betrayed us on the payroll!

> The unit was named 'Red
>Unit'.

Crow: Yeah, you can get that if you - [notices Mike glaring
at him] What?!? What?!?!?

> We're a special part of the SDF--

Tom: The creatively challenged part, apparently.

> which for obvious
>reasons officially doesn't exist--that keeps an eye on groups
>like the NIRAA in case something like the present situation
>occurs.

Mike: Boy, you've done such a bang up job in protecting
Japan from groups like that. Sheesh.

> I keep tabs on these groups via short-wave radio and the
>Internet,

Tom: alt.Japanese.Government.Takeover.militarist.militarist.
militarist

> as well as take considerable risks in infiltrating
>their secret meetings.

Tom: [Ieyasu] I guess 'SpyGuy' was a bad nickname to choose
on #NIRAA.

> Believe me, I am seen as a hero by my
>neighbors;

Tom: For these secret things you do no one knows about?
Mike: And the "inability to keep a secret" contagion continues
to spread.

> to them, I am not a traitor for what I did during the
>war, or even now.

Mike: [Ieyasu] So pay no mind to old man Hiroshi and his machine
gun fire - he's just jealous.

> There is no honor lost if you admit that you
>did wrong and wish to do penance. We'd much prefer what we have
>now than to go back to those dark days of the past."

Crow: Like 1994, when the great Tamagochi plague began.

>
>Everyone stood there, silently amazed at what Ieyasu had told
>them. He finally broke the silence:
>

Mike: My boogers talk to me, you know!

>"Come, I know why you are here.

Tom: The fluffernutters and sheepskins are ready.

> The plane is waiting for us in
>the back."
>
>"Plane?," Usagi said.
>

Crow: It has wheels and two wings and looks like a big
tylenol, but that's not important right now.

>They stepped out and saw the Nick there in the backyard.
>

Mike: He was performing scenes from "Leaving Las Vegas."

>"Any of you into airplanes?," Ieyasu said.
>
>"I am," Daria said.

Mike: I've found that most depressed teenage girls are
WWII aviation buffs.

> "That's a Kawasaki Ki-45 Toryu night
>fighter/ground attack aircraft. Maximum speed, 338 MPH;
>powerplant, two Mitsubishi Ha-102 14-cylinder radial piston
>engines rated at 1079 horsepower;

Crow: Now we come to the part of the story we like to call,
"Peter Guerin and the War Almanac of Doom"!

> range of 1240 miles; service
>ceiling of 33,000 feet; armed with a forward-firing 37-mm cannon,
>two obliquely mounted upward-firing 20-mm cannons and a 7.92-mm
>machine gun in the rear observer's position.

Crow: The most common complaint amongst Japanese pilots was
the lack of a beverage holder.

> The 'Nick,' as we
>called it, was unusual for a Japanese aircraft since it had
>armored gas tanks, whereas most other planes like the Zero
>didn't.

Tom: It also had a quality described by most mechanics as
"Wesson-ality".

> And it was this plane, and not the Zero, that made the
>first Kamikaze attacks against American naval vessels in 1944."
>

Mike: It must not have been a successful attack if they
still have the plane...

>"I see you know this plane very well," Ieyasu said.

Tom: Never know when the specs of hopelessly outdated
aircraft will come in handy.

> "Right now,
>this old plans is the only airworthy craft we have against the
>Neo-Zero."
>

Mike: The Neo-Geo which has single handedly pummeled Japan
into submission will be stopped that hunk of junk?
Crow: So there are absolutely no other planes in Japan?
Tom: They're all in the shop for a paint job.

>"Wouldn't that be like using a pea shooter against an ICBM?,"
>Daria said.
>

Tom: Hilarious to watch, yes.

>"I have studied much of your Western world's religions," Ieyasu
>continued, "and if I recall, in both Judaism and Christianity,
>they didn't give a young man not much older than you named David
>much of a chance against someone named Goliath,

Mike: But then he built an ark, and threw a burning bush at
him!

> who was a bit
>taller than most of your nation's basketball players.

Mike: Actually, Goliath was lucky. If he'd survived, he'd
have been drafted by the Dallas Mavericks.
Tom: Wow, he *did* get off easy!

> Remember,
>back in 1281, no one thought we stood a chance against the mighty
>Mongol Empire when they sent a vast armada against us.

Tom: [Ieyasu] Boy, CNN had egg on their face after Peter
Arnett said we were doomed.

> But then
>our Shinto priest prayed for divine intervention, and a massive
>storm sank much of the Mongol fleet.

Mike: They probably just saw it was Japan, and turned back.
Crow: Not worth the effort to conquer it.

> That was the origin of
>Kamikaze, the 'Divine Wind.' Only much later on was it given to
>those soldiers and pilots who sacrificed themselves in fighting
>against the enemy during World War II."
>

Tom: So all this has been leading to "Iron Eagles III", with
Daria as Rachel MacLish.
Mike: I don't think so. Unless she starts doing pull-ups.

>"For what it's worth," Daria said,

Crow: [Daria, spoken] There's something happening here, what
it is ain't exactly clear.

> "no one thought the English
>had a chance against the Spanish Armada back in 1588, either, and
>they were totaled by bad weather as well."
>

Mike: So the plan is to have the Senshi do a rain dance?

>Ieyasu got a good laugh over that. "Young lady, you are not like
>most other Americans I have met; you're not so uptight.

Crow: "Uptight" meaning, "having no knowledge of obscure war
history".
Mike: [Ieyasu] And I'm not staring at your metal bra. Really!

> Now, I
>guess I'll take you and you." He pointed to Daria and Ami.

Mike: You seem to be pretty popular with the author, and the
high altitude winds will give your shirts a chance to
fly off.

>"Let's get in the plane and take off. My wife has already let
>down the fence so we'll taxi onto the street and take off from
>there."
>

Crow: [Ieyasu] To hell with the traffic!
Tom: [slyly] Gosh, it would be a shame if an open sewer just
happened to appear below the wheels during takeoff.
Mike: [brightly] Yeah! Damn shame.

>Natsume, Ieyasu's wife went to Jane and said, "You can join me in
>the car and follow them."
>

Crow: [Natsume] That'll make it easier to get hit by their
falling debris.

>"Fine by me," Jane said.
>

Crow: Thankfully they all still have their babel fish in.

>"I'll fly on my own and see if I can't help in anyway," Usagi
>said.
>

Tom: Feeling outdone by the antique aircraft, Sailor Moon
flew off on her own to her special place.

>Thus Ieyasu, Daria and Ami got into the Nick. Ieyasu got to the
>pilot's controls and turned on the ignition.

Mike: Instantly, loud music blared out from the stereo.
Tom: o/~ IT'S MONK TIME, IT'S HOP TIME, IT'S MONK TIME... o/~
Crow: [Ieyasu] Damn that Ryu! Stop fiddling with my presets!

> Ami sat next to him
>while Daria got in the rear observer's position.

Tom: Brain Guy must be on his coffee break.

> The engines
>coughed to life as the propellers began spinning. Soon the
>lumbering plane was going down the backyard,

Mike: This is how "Home Improvement" should've ended.
Crow: Tim in the cockpit, Al behind the gun, then a huge
apocalyptic fireball just as they leave the screen!

> to the front and out
>onto the street,where it got into take-off position.
>

Mike: Every car alarm in the neighborhood's goin' off...
Tom: A hundred dogs are barkin' like banshees, chasin' his
tail...

>Ieyasu made a careful check of all systems. "All systems go," he
>said. He then pulled gently on the throttle and the plane eased
>down the road,

Crow: Oh no! Ms. Migoshi's roses! >Crash<
Tom: The Kotaku's mailbox! >Crash<
Mike: Mr. Isake's rock garden! >Crash<

> and was soon airborne. Jane and Natsume followed
>in Ieyasu's car,

Mike: Which was also soon airborne.
Crow: Yep, them Duke boys was at it again!

> and Sailor Moon took off and flew in the same
>direction.

Crow: And the rest of the Sailor Kids proceeded to raid
Natsume's refrigerator.
Mike: [Chiba] Neat-o! Chocolate cake with jam!

> The final battle to save Japan from the NIRAA was
>soon underway.

Mike: So everything they've been doing up till now was just,
what, a pregame show?

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>Yoriko was flying over what was left of Tokyo.

Crow: o/~ I am Yerko, hear me roar, Let me do something,
I'm bored! o/~

> She had "Black
>Monk Time" in the CD player again.

Tom: Good god, woman, there *are* other CDs in the world!
Mike: Join Columbia House, for Pete's sake!
Crow: Maybe Pete should join Columbia House for *our* sake.

> This time she was listening
>to "I Hate You" Larry Clark's screeching organ playing led into
>Gary Burger's vocals:
>

Crow: It's disturbing to know that World War III will be
choreographed!

>"Hey, well, I hate you with a passion, baby! Yeah, I do!/

Mike: Oh, it's a tender romantic ballad.
Tom: [Gary, spoken] And that's it. Sorry, kind of rushed
that one.

> But
>call me!/Well, you know, my hate's everlasting, baby!/But call
>me!/

Crow: $2 per call! Kids, get your parents permission!

> Do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do
>you

Mike: Well, do you? DO YOU?!?

> know why I hate you, baby? Huh? Do you now?

Tom: Well you remember that time I told you to feed my cats
while I was on vacation?

> /But call
>me!/Wellllllllllll, it's because, because, because you make me
>hate you, baby!

Crow: You enable my addiction to hatred by creating excuses
for it!

> Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Mike: o/~ He hates you, yeah, yeah, yeah! He hates you... o/~

> /But call
>me!"
>

Tom: The state song of Idaho, ladies and gentlemen! Give'em
a hand!
Crow: Geez, no wonder she's dysfunctional!

>Suddenly, she saw the Nick and Sailor Moon flying right toward
>her.
>

Crow: In a brilliantly animated scene, two dots appear in
the sky!

>"Hah! All they can send against me is a rusty old World War II
>relic?

Mike: Well that's not a nice thing to call Ieyasu.
Tom: Suddenly...Whoosh! Superman shows up, wrecks the death
plane and rebuilds Tokyo in seconds flat.

> It's no contest!," she sneered.
>

Mike: You'd think so, wouldn't you?

>Yoriko had the Nick targeted in her HUD.

Tom: Feel the wrath of Andrew Cuomo, slumlords!

> She was ready to fire
>away with the Deathgrip cannon when suddenly, Sailor Moon parked
>right on top of her; all Yoriko could see was Sailor Moon's
>buttocks.
>

Tom: Okay, this is now officially the creepiest fanfic we've
ever read!
Crow: Man, and I thought the two balls of fire was bad.

>"GET OFF OF ME!," Yoriko yelled.
>

Crow: No means no! I'll call campus security!

>Yoriko instinctively pulled back and got into a steep climb.
>Sailor Moon was thrown off,

Mike: [Usagi] I'm the pretty princess Sailor AAAAAAAUGH!
Tom: Yeah, luckily her fall was broken by the tail of an
Alaskan Air flight.

> but it gave the Nick a momentary
>edge. Ieyasu fired the forward cannon, sending a hail of bullets
>Yoriko's way.
>

Crow: Aw, man, if this plan works I am going to give this
story *such* a mental wedgie...
Mike: Bullet-gram for Yoriko!

>"DAMMIT!," Yoriko screeched.
>

Tom: I spilled my Coke! It's all over my new pants suit!

>The bullets cut right through the Neo-Zero, though it was pretty
>heavily armored; thus it only got slight damage.

Mike: Just a sprain to the Neo-groin. Let me get my wind back.

>
>Yoriko decided to arm Neo-Sidewinders.
>

Crow: So she pressed the Neo-arming button by the Neo-altimeter
and the Neo-Air Conditioner.

>Ieyasu saw that coming.
>
>"If she fires those missiles, we're done for!," Ami said.
>

Tom: If she fires *anything*, you're done for.

>"See those infrared flares back there?," Ieyasu said.
>
>Ami said she did.
>

Tom: And, just as she said she did, she did.
Mike: Ami's pretty dependable that way. If she says she
sees something, you can bet she sees it.

>"Light some, and then throw them overboard on my mark," Ieyasu
>said.
>
>Ami did as Ieyasu said to her. She lit the flares. Luckily
>these were somewhat similar to roadside flares and could be held
>for some time.
>

Crow: Yes, good designs aren't made by engineers with years
of industry experience- they happen by accident!

>Yoriko aimed the HUD again at the Nick.
>

Crow: She then cruelly denied them a Ginnie Mae loan!

>"SEE YOU IN HELL, BASTARDS!," she yelled as she fired every
>available missile she had.
>

Tom: Now she tugs on her right ear, and the show gets
underway!
Mike: I hear the "SEE YOU IN HELL, YOU BASTARDS!" t-shirts
are now sellin' at fifty bucks a pop on the collectors
market.

>Ieyasu saw it coming. "NOW!," he yelled. Ami dumped the flares
>overboard, and the missiles went right for them, blowing up
>harmlessly,

Mike: Over the last source of clean water in Tokyo!
Crow: Wait 'til Ieyasu finds out those were actually his
Cuban cigars.

> though it was a bit too close for comfort for
>everyone aboard. They were jolted a bit.
>
>"YAHOO!, and I don't mean that Internet search engine, either!,"
>Ieyasu said.
>

All: [weak, fake laughter]
Mike: Boy, we got the cutting edge humor, yes sir.
Tom: Well stick it, and I don't mean the little yellow
notepads!

>"WHAT IN HELL!," Yoriko said.
>

Crow: Oh look, Yerko's got a little Tom Servo impression.
Tom: Hey! Pretty good!

>Sailor Moon saw all this going on and said, "Holy moley!"
>

Tom: Okay, now she says the magic words seven times,
causing the bomb to detonate far above the
battlefield, right?
Crow: No, that would be a more interesting crossover.
Mike: Guys, *please* stop giving the authors ideas...

>Now the Nick had the edge.

Mike: [dismissively, shaking his head] Nnno it didn't.

> Ieyasu sent the forward gun blazing.

Mike: Nnno he didn't.

>The bullets ripped through the Neo-Zero like lightning.

Mike: Nnno they didn't.
Crow: This is goofier than if Spielberg had crossed
"Saving Private Ryan" with "1941"!

> The Neo-
>Zero fired back, doing some damage of its own.
>

Tom: Well, it's good to see 50 years of technology have
resulted in no tactical advantage whatsoever.
Mike: Makes that military build-up of the 80's seem worth
every penny!

>Daria was lovingly holding to the trigger of her tailgun.

[All cackle. Mike clutches his head and moans.]

> The
>wind was whipping her hair as she stood in her position.

Crow: God, I hate the smell of defiled character beliefs
in the morning!

>Somehow, wearing her new armored bikini outfit and with her wind-
>tossed hair, she felt very sexy; perhaps the sexiest she ever
>felt in all her life.
>

Crow: Well, Daria seems to be turned on by gunfire.
Mike: Which explains Daria's later marriage to John Woo.

>The Neo-Zero made another pass at the Nick, firing away like
>crazy. Two bullets whizzed just short of Daria, who fired back.
>

Tom: Fighter, eleven o'clock!
Crow: Funny, I've got nine-thirty.

>"God, I love an old-fashioned dogfight!," Ieyasu said.

Mike: The Japanese flying ace trusted his faithful Sopwith
Camel to take him safely through battle.

> He was
>now remembering those days when he flew this old plane up against
>the Americans, but now this was different;

Crow: [despair] Oh. Good. He's ruminating again.
Tom: [same] Yup. So good to see Pete back on the job. Mike,
if you could just pry my head off with a screwdriver...
Mike: I really wouldn't know how to start, Tom. Just deal
with it.

> he had American
>allies, and they were fighting for a free, democratic Japan. How
>much times had changed since 1945!

Crow: Why, back in 45, you couldn't even buy Hazelnut coffee!

> If only most of his comrades
>were alive now, he could tell them about this.

Tom: He could go "NEENER NEENER NEENER! I PICKED THE WINNING
SIDE AND YOU LOSERS DIDN'T!!! NYAAAAHHHHHH!!!!"
Mike: [Ami] Um, Ieyasu? The nose is pointed down and we're
spinning a bit and accelerating. Is that bad?

> "We were wrong
>for opposing the Americans; by all rights, we should have called
>them our allies against the Nazis and the Fascists," was what he
>wished to say to them.

Mike: [Ami] Ieyasu? The left wing's on fire. Oh, wait. It's OK,
it just tore free. We're fine.

> "We were foolish to back their cause. We
>should have made some type of economic association with our
>neighbors more like the European Union and not the imperial
>expansion we sought.

Mike: Yeah, well, you didn't, so quit bitchin'.

> Didn't we decide to adopt Western
>technology and Western ways so we could stand as equals with them
>instead of being subservient?

Crow: [comrades] I thought we did it for the truckloads of
free cash General Marshall was givin' out.

> We must lead by example to show
>the rest of the world the way to a better day."

Tom: [Ieyasu] We are the world! We are the children! [stops]
Um- we *are* losing altitude. Oh dear, I went into my
private dreamworld during a climatic battle to the
death again, didn't I? Damn!

> But he was not
>so much worried for the past as for the future. No matter what
>that future was--a new Ice Age leading to Crystal Tokyo,

Crow: Don't change the plot on us now!

> or a
>high-tech future like many wished,

Mike: Or a planet where apes evolved from men, damn us all
to hell...

> or even the status quo--he
>was fighting for a future where freedom and democracy ruled,

Crow: They were *awesome*! They *rocked*, man!

>not a return to reactionary rule. He was fighting for his future;
>he was fighting for Usagi's and Ami's;

Tom: Well OK, maybe not Usagi so much.
Mike: Yeah, let her fight for her own future! She never
returns any of my calls, the little witch!

> in a sense, he was also
>fighting for Daria's as well.

Crow: [Ieyasu] If we don't wrap this up soon, we'll *never*
get her to go home!

> He knew that even his own father
>opposed the militarists, but was silenced by them.

Mike: [Yerko] Hmmm. He's just flying around in circles, with
a far-away look on his face. I better not attack. He
must be up to something...

> If only he
>was alive to see this.
>
Tom: Thrills! Spills! And an old guy, thinking!

>
>The fusillades were fast and furious now. Both planes suffered
>considerable damage.

Crow: [grumbling] Yeah, right. Maybe when the terrorists get
a nuclear sub, we can retrieve the Monitor off the
ocean floor.

> Somehow the superior speed and firepower of
>the Neo-Zero was beginning to tell.

All: SOMEHOW!?
Crow: And he's SURPRISED by this?
Tom: Ieyasu's not the strategist he once was.

> But now it was time to play
>the end game of this battle.

Mike: This is like the NBA. The last minute of play is taking
like four hours.

> Ieyasu piloted the Nick so that it
>was now right below the Neo-Zero.
>

Tom: So Yerko drops her bomb, and they die. But thanks for
playing!

>"Ami, Daria, aim for the drop tanks," Ieyasu said. Ami aimed the
>obliquely-mounted, upward-firing guns at the top of the plane at
>the left tank while Daria aimed her tailgun (which was on a
>flexible mount) on the right tank.
>

Mike: [tense] God! The tension is so... so... non-existent!
Crow: Yeah, I care more about the fate of the hair in my
bathtub than any of these clowns.

>"On my mark, fire!," Ieyasu said.
>
>They got very close to the Neo-Zero now.
>

Tom: They shared a bottle of wine, talked about their
hopes and dreams... in speeches lasting hundreds
of minutes apiece, of course.

>Yoriko managed to pick them up on her radar.
>

Crow: She's enslaved Gary Burghoff to do her evil bidding!

>"They think they can knock me out with a surprise attack?," she
>sneered. "I'll show them!"
>

Crow: I'll call Dial-a-Mattress, and have a king-sized box
spring delivered to their house!

>Ieyasu sensed that he was at the right position.
>

Mike: Well, not so much sensed it as noticed the flashing
neon sign proclaiming "You're at the right position,
doofus!"

>"NOW!," he yelled. All the guns were blazing at the drop tanks.
>

Tom: Here's your seven-day waiting period, pal!
Mike: Superhero. Schoolgirl. I am the N.R.A.!

>Yoriko was ready to fire the afterburners and launch a surprise
>attack of her own. However, one of the bullets (which was
>especially reinforced and hardened to pierce the armored tanks)

Crow: Did we mention that?
Tom: We did it, like, before. When you were in the can.

>managed to go right through the right tank. When the
>afterburners were kicked in, it ignited.

Mike: The Ford Neo-Pinto!
Crow: Eh, she was doomed anyway. Their back-up plan was
precocious nine-year old with a bow and arrow.

> Yoriko saw it ignite in
>horror.
>
>"NO! IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!," she screamed.
>

Tom: One would think.
Mike: And yet it obviously is.
Crow: Duh.

>She knew she only had seconds in which to act. She pressed the
>eject button and was thrown out of the Neo-Zero.

Tom: [German] Goodbye, Ace Rimmer!

> It went on its
>own for a few seconds before the right drop tank finally
>exploded;

Crow: The sad part is Ieyasu forgot to change course, and the
Zero crashes into them?
Mike: Mm. That is sad.

> soon the entire jet fighter was enveloped in flames,
>dropping to Tokyo Bay; when it landed into the water, it exploded
>with a loud "BOOM!"

Tom: Awww! And I was hoping it would explode with a loud
"MY GOD THIS IS THE WORST FANFIC I EVER SAT THROUGH!"
Mike: [calmly] Uh-huh.
Tom: You're not gonna tell me to calm down?
Mike: Nah, knock yourself out.
Tom: Oh. Well I'm done now.
Mike: OK. I'm glad.


> Yoriko was now floating down toward Tokyo.
>

Crow: Now's your chance to capture her, guys. Anyone? Anyone?

>Sailor Moon saw what happened. She got onto a radio she was
>carrying

Crow: Soon, all they could hear was Sailor Moon's butt.

> and said, "You guys did it!" She could hear the sounds
>of celebration in the Nick.
>

Mike: And Han's nearby, babbling about that one-in-a million
shot.

>In the Nick, which was still airworthy despite all the damage
>inflicted on it, Ieyasu turned to his comrades and said, "Well
>done, ladies."
>

Mike: [Ieyasu] Say, would you two like to head back to my
place for some courvoisier?

>"The Neo-Zero may be destroyed, Harry, but we still have Yoriko
>to deal with," Daria said.
>

Tom: [bored] And dénouement follows dénouement follows
dénouement.
Mike: Can't they just shoot her? She's right there.

>All agreed with her on that.

Crow: [bored] On this battle will be riding the future of all
Japan. Until the next one ten pages later.

> They were making their way back to
>Narita when Jane radioed in from Natsume's car.
>
>"We saw everything, guys!

Mike: Which of the really fast dots was you?

> Way to go!"
>
>"Better not open the champagne yet, Jane, " Daria said,

Tom: [Daria] We're underage. Wait two years.

> "as Yogi
>Berra says, 'It ain't over 'til it's over.'"

Mike: And to further quote Berra, 'It's tough to make
predictions, especially about the future.'
Tom: Well, I predict that it's time to get out of here.
Let's go.
[Mike lifts Tom up and the trio exits.]

[The Bridge]
[Mike is furiously writing on a blackboard. He
seems to be trying to construct a flowchart.]

Mike: Okay, we have the Japanese right wing
terrorists who have stolen a top secret US
plane, named for a Japanese WWII fighter
which causes a cynical schoolgirl to go
to Japan and join a bunch of super-powered
school girls in skirts, but not before an
Islamic terrorist tries to nuke a football
game and...
[Mike throws down the chalk, grasps the side of
his head and screams in frustration.]

Mike: ARRRRGHH! None of this makes any sense!
Why! Did! Any! Of! This! Happen?!

[Crow and Tom enter.]

Crow: Hey, um, what's your name. What 'cha
up to?

Mike: I'm just trying to figure out what the
heck is going on in this blasted story!
Nothing is making any sense any more!

Tom: I know what you mean, Mike. I was talking
to goldy here and he was kind of lost too.
Crow: Um, yeah. What he said.

Mike: Are you two feeling okay?

Crow: Sure.
Tom: Why do you ask, Ryan?

Mike: That's Mike.
Tom: Oh. [turns to Crow.] Hello Mike. Nice to
meet you.

Mike: Great. I better call Pearl. Hey, Pearl?
Something's wrong with the bots.

[Castle Forrester]

Pearl: [snort] And you're just now figuring this out?

[SoL]
Mike: I'm serious. They're not acting like they usually
do. I think there's something really wrong with
them.

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Well, good. Mike, you're forgetting. I'm evil!
I enjoy seeing you suffer.

[SoL]
[Mike looks pleadingly at Pearl.]
Mike: Pweeze?

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Oh, I hate those damn puppy dog eyes. Stop...
Arrrgh! Oh, all right. I'll help you fix your
little bots. Observer!
[Observer enters.]
Observer: Yes?
Pearl: Figure out what's wrong with the walking
toasters there.

[SoL]
Mike: Pearl? I don't mean to interrupt, but wouldn't
Bobo be a better choice for repairing them?

[Castle Forrester]
[Observer and Pearl glare at the camera, then turn
towards their left. Bobo enters, moments later from
that direction.]

Bobo: [on the phone] Yes. Uh-huh. Really? I was
unaware that Japanese baseball teams carry
around their minor league teams in Pokeballs.
Yes, I guess that does cut down on hotel
costs. Right. Sure. [Bobo exits]

[Pearl and Observer turn back to the camera, still
glaring.]

[SoL]
Mike: Oh yeah. Right.

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Brain Guy? Do your thing.
[Observer re-enters, wearing a stethoscope and
carrying a clipboard.]
Observer: Yes, so what seems to be the problem?

[SoL]
Mike: Well, the bots seem to be rather forgetful.
Crow: Hello, Large Cheese Bearing Temp Worker.
Mike: And they're doing that, too! What's the
deal with that?

[Castle Forrester]

Observer: Michael, I believe that the essentially random
words stuck together with laundry pins title of the
story has corrupted your automatons' memory. Let
me test a hypothesis. Fellows? Are you familiar
with an obscure low budget art film called "Star
Wars"?

[SOL.]
Tom: "Star Wars"... hm... not ringin' any bells.
Crow: Oh! I think he means "Skywalker Death Star Light
Saber Tattooine"!
Tom: He does? Well why didn't he say so?

[Castle Forrester.]
Observer: Ah hah! I seem to be on the right track! Now
there's this one movie with the Beatles in it. "A
Hard Day's Night"?

[SoL.]
Crow: [shaking his head] Nah. Nah, you're thinking of
"Brit Concert Clean Old Man Ringo's a Mocker".

[Castle Forrester.]
Observer: And finally, tell me what you know about
"Moby Dick".


[SoL]
Tom: [snickering] I know enough about "Moby Dick" to
know it's not a nice thing to call "Whale Pegleg
Soothsayer Ishmael Queequeeg"!
Mike: So, how can I fix this?

[Castle Forrester]
Observer: Oh, that's quite easy. You need to counteract
the grandiose nature of this story with a helping of
minimalism. Just read them some Hemmingway and they
should be fine.

[SoL]
Mike: Will do. But why can't *I* understand what's going
on in this thing?

[Castle Forrester]
Observer: [snorting] Michael, I may be omnipotent, but
I'm not that omnipotent.
Pearl: Now stop lollygaging and get back in there, Mike.

[SoL]
[The lights are flashing]
Mike: AHHHH!!!! WE'VE GOT MISERY SIGN!!!!
Crow: Correction. We've got "Flashing Almightily Twisted
Fiction of Fans Experiment Signal."
Mike: WHATEVER! AHHHH!!!!!!

[The door sequence begins.]

[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Data 16: Tokyo Game, Set, and Match
>

Mike: No one can escape the long tendrils of the Monica Seles
Conspiracy!

>Dr. Vander Helffen, now clad in his Iron Cross robotic armor,

Tom: Huh, look. The Sun Jerk's evil twin!
Crow: Miscreant!

> was
>heading down the deserted streets of Tokyo on his way to the
>Imperial Palace.

Mike: Where he went unnoticed in the midst off all the Power
Rangers, Ronin Warriors, Neon Evangelines, Gundams and
Go-Bots.

> He was not aware that the Neo-Zero had been
>shot down. He was planning to deal with Yoriko eventually, she
>had gotten too big for her britches.

Tom: He had a copy of the Atkins diet and he wasn't afraid to
use it!

> But he also knew that he
>had to take his next 'Hi no Tori' immortality pill soon, or
>suffer grave consequences.
>

Crow: If Clinton thinks I'm lettin' my tax dollars cover this
guy's immortality addiction...

>He was nearing the street he needed to go down to in order to get
>to the Imperial Palace.

Mike: o/~ I have often walked, down this street before! But
the pavement never smelled like burnt concrete before! o/~

> However, Ryu was blocking his way.
>

Crow: Hey! Get that battleship off the road, pal!

>"Dr. Vander Helffen! I won't let you get away with this!," Ryu
>said.

Tom: What? Did he cross against the light?

> "The Japan you want to bring back has long been
>discredited!"
>

Tom: Japan will never be able to get a loan then.

>"Get out of my way, traitor!," Dr. Vander Helffen said.

Tom: "Traitor!" It's Japanese for "Dickweed!"

> He
>picked up a Mazda and flung it right at him.

Mike: The Mazda's unique Rotary design makes it easy to fling.

> Ryu got out of the
>way in time, but then was bushwhacked by a sucker punch that sent
>him through a wall.

Tom: Sucker punch! Two parts champagne and a lollipop.

> Ryu slowly got up. On his bare forearms
>were the dragon and tiger tattoos that were given to him after he
>was admitted as a Shaolin priest.

Crow: That was the night of the Dali Lama's bachelor party.
Tom: Yeah, whereas some folks wake up with panties on their
face, these guys wake up and Ryu's a priest.
Mike: Talk about embarrassment.

> A wise man named Kwai Chang
>Caine, who he met in his travels abroad,

Crow: Is that who I think it is?
Mike: Yep.
Crow: I thought so. ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

> once said that strength
>and might was not all there was at battle; intelligence was as
>important.

Tom: Guns are important too. And dental hygiene. And don't
forget about Pop Rocks!
Mike: In other words, Ryu's really unarmed.

> Use your foe's strengths against him.

Crow: Get your enemies to kick their own asses.

> Ryu went to
>Dr. Vander Helffen and launched into a roundhouse kick.

Mike: Personally I wouldn't be punching the guy in the suit
of armor right here.
Tom: No, this is where I would call for my archers and
pikemen.

> Dr.
>Vander Helffen swung a fist at him, but instead knocked down a
>facade, sending bricks raining down on him. However, Dr. Vander
>Helffen shook that off and approached Ryu.
>
>Suddenly, there was a searing blast of solar energy from nowhere.
>
>"SOLAR FLARE DISCHARGE ATTACK!," yelled a voice.
>

Bots: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Mike: Wait! Hold it. Shadow's not involved in this one guys.
We can relax.

>The solar energy knocked Dr. Vander Helffen down. Tetsuo stepped
>out of some rubble.
>

Crow: What?! A building fell on him? And we *missed* it?!
Tom: Blast!

>"You evil man!," he said, "I am the Solar Warrior, servant to
>Amaterasu-Omikami, Goddess of the Sun and defender of Japan!

Mike: [the god of hellfire] And I bring you!
Crow: o/~ Fire! Dah-dah dah, dah, dah, dah! o/~

> In
>the name of the Sun you are judged!"
>

Crow: Eventually, someone's gonna figure out that you don't
have to wait until the hero finishes his speech and take
these clowns out.

>Dr. Vander Helffen yelled in anger, "I WILL KILL YOU ALL!"

Crow: Both! All both of you!

> He
>charged at them. Ryu and the Solar Warrior now launched a
>double-barreled assault.

Tom: So now it's a Donkey Kong cross-over, too?
Mike: [blase] Hi. We're gonna beat you now. Nothing personal.

> They pounded him hard, real hard.

Tom: Real real hard.
Mike: Real real real hard.
Crow: Real real real real real real real real real *real* hard!

> The
>Iron Cross armor was beginning to buckle, then finally, it fell
>apart and exploded, ejecting Dr. Vander Helffen out of it.

Tom: Whoa! Talk about "non-user friendly".
Mike: Ralph Nader's "Unsafe In Any Scene".

> He
>was severely injured. Ryu and the Solar Warrior approached him.
>

Tom: Huh. Even the anti-climax has an anti-climax.

>"Give yourself up!," the Solar Warrior said.
>
>"Never!," Dr. Vander Helffen said. "Once I take this last 'Hi no
>Tori' immortality pill, I will be as strong as ever.

Mike: [Solar Warrior] Okay, go ahead. We'll wait.
Tom: [Ryu] Yeah, we'll run get a squid pizza while you charge up.
Crow: Suicide Squid?
Tom: Nope. He's still over in net.roplis.

> He took it
>out of his vial and was about to put it in his mouth,

Mike: He's quite sprightly for an octogenarian with internal
brain hemorrhaging.

> but in his
>haste to swallow it, it missed his mouth,

All: D'OH!!!!
Crow: C'mon, Doc, just take it, don't toss it up like a bar
peanut!

> rolled across the
>street and rolled into the sewer.
>
>Dr. Vander Helffen screamed in agony:
>

Mike: [Helffen] Charlie Horse! Owowowow!

>"NOOOOOOOOOO! IT WAS THE LAST ONE! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!
>NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
>

Mike: My! This is certainly a major setback for the ambiguous
evil Hitler doctor.
Crow: He sounds just like the evil doc in "Riding w/death."
Tom: So I'm guessing the idea we're being conveyed is - "No".

>Suddenly, a hideous transformation took place.

Crow: He's turning into Bill Maher!!!
All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

> Dr. Vander
>Helffen was aging rapidly before Ryu and the Solar Warrior.

Mike: He's got Melanie Griffith disease! Run!

> His
>hair turned gray and fell out. His skin wrinkled up.

Crow: Rose Kennedy!

> His bones
>sagged in arthritic pain.

Mike: His IRA matured!
Tom: He suddenly had a Senior Discount card from Shoney's!
Crow: His pants were now up to his chest and he felt an urge
to drive 5 MPH in the left lane with his right turn
signal on!

> All this rapid aging proved to be too
>much, and Dr. Vander Helffen fell down dead from a heart attack.

Crow: [Helffen] Um... it's OK! I'm OK! That's the worst of
it, I think.
>But this was not the end of that.

Crow: No, we couldn't be *that* lucky.

> Suddenly, the body began to
>rapidly decompose.

Mike: Oh. Well that's just cosmetic, so his health plan
won't cover it.
Tom: Sad.

> The skin rotted away to nothing, then the
>muscles, intestines and sinews as well.

Crow: But strangely enough, his liver seemed fine!
Tom: [Ryu] Quick! Pack it on ice and get Mickey Rourke's
people on the phone!

> Then the skeleton
>rapidly turned to dust, and was blown away in all directions by
>the wind.

Tom: The preceding scene from "Indiana Jones and the Last
Crusade" is shown courtesy of Stephen Spielberg
productions.

> Thus was the horrible end of Dr. Helmut Vander
>Helffen, former genetic expert to Hitler, shadowy leader of the
>New Imperial Rule Assistance Association.
>

Crow: Or - was it?!?
Mike: Yes it was. Stop trying to make it worse.

>Ryu and the Solar Warrior saw the whole thing. "Now he's gone to
>Yomi, the land of the dead, where he belongs!," the Solar Warrior
>said.
>

Tom: o/~ Yomi Yomi Yomi, I got love in my Tomi! o/~

>"Now we have but one more enemy to face:

Mike: Our fear of commitment?

> Amazana Yoriko," Ryu
>said.
>

Crow: Huh? Oh, you mean Yerko! Why didn't you say?

>Ryu got out his portable communicator to contact the Sailor
>Senshi. It was time to find Yoriko.

Mike: OK! Climax number four guys! Strap in!

> "Sailor Senshi, can you
>hear me?," he said.
>
>"I hear you," Daria said.
>

Crow: [Daria] Can you hear me?
Tom: [Ryu] I can hear you! I'm on the cell phone!
Crow: [Daria] Me too!
Tom: [Ryu] Neat! Wanna speak with Sun Jerk?
Crow: [Daria] Sure! Hey Sun Jerk!
Mike: [Warrior] Hey Daria! Can you hear me?
Crow: [Daria] Yes!

>Ryu then asked, "Where is Amazana Yoriko?"
>

Crow: Go five miles down this road, turn left, go 3 miles
until you see the giant neon Gamera, then turn right.
Can't miss it.

>"I think she parachuted her way to the Mitsubishi Building,"
>Daria replied.
>

Mike: [Ryu] The Manny Mota Building? We must act at once!

>"We'll met you there," Ryu said. He and the Solar Warrior headed
>off in that direction.

Tom: She's on the Mickey Mouse Club Building!
Crow: The Mickey Mantle Building?
Mike: No, the Mister Mxyzptlk Building! Hurry!

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------

Crow: And, insert play on title here.
Tom: That's a kinda cynical riff, Crow.
Crow: Yeah, well.

>Yoriko had landed on the roof of the Mitsubishi Building. For
>now, she was alone.
>

Mike: She could really think up here, breathing deep the
bracing corporate-owned air.
Tom: [Yerko] Wow. All the bastards look like ants up
here. [friendly] Little bastard ants. See you in hell,
little bastard ants!

>"I will never surrender!," she said to herself.
>

Mike: By Grabthar's hammer, I shall strike at thee!

>She took a look at the streets below. The NIRAA soldiers were
>engaged in fierce fighting with the SDF now.

Mike: [NIRAA] Apologize to Debbie!
Crow: [SDF] No! She was rude to my mother!

> It seemed that
>everyone had taken the Emperor's message to heart and were now
>fighting to rid Japan of the NIRAA.
>

Tom: So basically, it's "Lawndale Militia, Ver 2.0"!

>"Those fools," she said, "if they think they can defeat us, they
>are crazy!"
>

Tom: After all, their weapons are useless against me!

>Suddenly, the door of the stairway leading to the roof was kicked
>open, and Sailor Moon, along with the other Sailor Senshi, Tuxedo
>Mask, Jane, Trent, Jesse, Mack, his cousin Brian, Jodie, Ryu and
>the Solar Warrior entered.
>

Mike: The crowd of good guys just grows and grows and grows!
Crow: If this goes on much longer, look for the JLA, Manfred
Mann's Earth Band, the Washington Generals, and Scoob &
the Mystery Machine to pop up.

>"Amazana Yoriko, give yourself up!," said Sailor Moon; "I am the
>pretty soldier Eternal Sailor Moon, champion of love and justice!

Tom: [Brooklyn] Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!

>These are the Sailor Senshi and our allies!

Mike: [Usagi] Come on, allies! Up front, where Yerko can
kill- I mean, see you!

> In the name of the
>Moon and in the name of a free and democratic Japan, we will
>punish you!"
>

Tom: Oh, how, by blowing up my plane with me inside it?

>"You're already too late!," Yoriko yelled.

Crow: [Yoriko] I've already been punished. But if you insist,
go ahead. $80 for the lot of ya!

> "We've bombed most of
>Tokyo to rubble, and even now the civilian government's thinking
>of surrendering!

Crow: They've got this big kite that looks just like the
death plane!

> At long last, my father, Gen. Tojo Hideki, will
>be vindicated!"
>

Crow: [Yoriko] Of course, he's all dead and stuff, but I
still have issues, dammit!
Mike: Kind of a pyrrhic victory, if you think about it.
Tom: Meanwhile, the awesome military might of Sri Lanka is
poised to conquer Japan...

>"As long as my master, Amaterasu-Omikami, Goddess of the Sun,
>shines above in the heavens, I swear you will never succeed in
>your evil plans!," the Solar Warrior said.
>

Mike: And whatever Anaconda-Oleander says, goes!

>"Once the NIRAA has seized power, you will all be destroyed!,"
>Yoriko said.
>

Mike: There's too much trash talking in apocalyptic battles
of good versus evil these days.
Tom: Yeah, just fight already.

>Daria wanted to cut to the heart of the matter.
>

[All laugh]
Tom: A little late for that, ain't ya, Morgendorffer!?

>"Why is it," Daria said, "that your organization wants to bring
>back the form of tyranny that brought so much suffering to
>millions of innocent people?"
>

Crow: Daria's Sailor Power is Super Boring Talk-to-Death!
Tom: Well, see did warn us that she was going to nag us
to death.

>"Do not question me!," Yoriko said. "We want to make Japan the
>leader of the world!"
>

Mike: [Daria] Oh. OK. We weren't sure.

>"May I remind you that the military government that ruled during
>World War II was responsible for such things as the attack on
>Manchuria, the Rape of Nanjing, the attack on Pearl Harbor,

Tom: Gamera movies...

> the
>Baatan Death March, the POW camps, the Korean comfort woman, and
>other atrocities?," Daria said.

Mike: [Yerko] Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, I was busy slaughtering
all these innocent friends of yours with my hunting
knife. You were saying?

> "Certainly you're planning to do
>all that and worse!"
>

Mike: [Yerko] Wait, wait, let me write all this down...
what was that after the Korean comfort women?

>"I WILL SILENCE YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL TIME, YOU MINX!," Yoriko
>said.

Crow: [Yerko] I will go to the district judge, and get a
restraining order!
Mike: Minx? Tom: Yeah, she's a right broad. A real tough cookie. One
hot tomato.

> She took the vial of the only "Hi no Tori" immortality
>pills left in the world and swallowed them all.

Tom: I thought they were all gone.
Mike: Shh! They're M&M Minis! Humor her!

> She screamed as
>a hideous transformation took place.

Tom: Oh great, now *she's* Bill Maher!

> She grew to be fifty feet
>tall, and now had horns on her head, green hair and was wearing a
>tiger skin suit.

Tom: Now *that's* what I call an adverse reaction!

> She now had sharp teeth and sharp claws.

Crow: Grace Jones, no!

> She
>had transformed into a gigantic oni, or ogre.
>

Mike: Oh, damn. And it's even printed on the bottle too.
Crow: "Failure to take as directed may induce headache,
nausea, or spontaneous monster mutation."

>"Oooooo, you've really made her mad now, Daria," Jane said.
>
>"Tell me about it," Daria replied.
>

Tom: [Daria] No, I'm serious. Tell me about it. Give
another speech. C'mon, art girl, show us your chops.

>"FALL BACK!," Sailor Moon said to everyone.
>

Tom: Never running from a real fight, indeed.

>Yoriko now seized Daria and threw her on the roof again.

Crow: But- isn't she on the roof *now*?

> She
>then stepped on her with her left cloven foot.
>

Mike: Excuse me...
All: o/~ You're standing on her neck! o/~

>"Now I will crush you like Japan will do to all who oppose her!,"

Mike: Oh stop crowing! Daria was sidewalk paint the minute
you laid your honking big hoof on her!

>Yoriko said. "Then I will kill you all!"
>
>"We've got to save Daria!," Sailor Moon said.

Tom: Anybody got a snow shovel?

> Now every Sailor
>Senshi unleashed her attack, some of them were old, some of them
>new:
>

Crow: All of them tired and goofy.

>"MOON PRINCESS HALATION!"
>
>"SHABON SPRAY, FREEZING!"
>

Mike: Platypus Duckbill, Waddling!

>"MARS SOUL FIRE, IGNITE!"
>
>"JUPITER THUNDER, CRASH!"
>

Crow: Form of a Cetian Walabee!

>"VENUS CRESCENT BEAM, SMASH!"
>

Mike: [Yerko] Could you guys stop yelling? I'm very
sensitive to noise!

>"SATURN SPEAR ATTACK!"
>

Mike: [Stinky] I'll haaaaaaaaarm youuuuuuuuuu!!!!

>"URANUS SWORD ATTACK!"
>

Tom: You know, Batman would have defeated the Oni by now.

>"NEPTUNE DEEP SUBMERGE!:"
>

Mike: CAN OF WHUP-ASS OPEN!

>"PLUTO MIRROR ATTACK!"
>

Crow: Tap 38 mana, take the burn, Mirror Universe!

>"CHIBI-MOON LOVE BEAM ATTACK!"
>

Tom: o/~ The LOOOOOOVE Beam! Soon will be making another
run! o/~

>Tuxedo Mask lunged his extended walking cane at the creature as
>well.
>

[All laugh.]
Mike: Good one, Tuxy. Your friends have slung the hellfire
of the universe at her, but go ahead! Try and *trip* her!

>Ryu launched into a roundhouse kick.
>

Tom: I guess they don't have fancy pants attack names to
shout.
Crow: THROWING CANE ACTIVATION!
Mike: ROUNDHOUSE KICKING REVOLUTION!
Tom: Thank you.

>The Solar Warrior then launched into his "SOLAR FLARE DISCHARGE
>ATTACK!"
>

Crow: From under a table! In another city!

>But it all seemed to be in vain; Yoriko still was standing.

Crow: Better than she ever did.
Tom: In fact she's lookin' like a true survivor.
Mike: *And* feelin' like a little kid.

> Now
>she stepped harder on Daria.
>

Mike: This is where having that armor-plated bra pays off big time.

>"Mon, Dad, Quinn, I now realize you'll never hear me say this,
>but I've always loved you!," Daria said to herself.
>

Crow: Did you ever know that you and Dorothy Parker were my
heroes?
Mike: No, please don't start singing.

>Suddenly, there was a dazzling flash of light that blinded
>everyone. There was a loud voice that pierced the air:
>

All: Celene Dion!
Tom: [Dion] You have summoned me using the magic words!
And now, I, Celene Dion, the best singer of all time,
shall smite the evil Oni! o/~ Can I hit you like this?
Can I smack you like that? Can I sever your head off?
It's all coming back to me... o/~

>"I am Amaterasu-Omikami, Goddess of the Sun and Protector of
>Japan!

Mike: Finally! It's Applepandowdy-Oleomargarine herself!

> I have heard the pleas of my people to deliver them from
>their peril and I will save them, for the battle and the victory
>are mine!

Crow: [A-O] I would have been here earlier, but all the flights
out of O'hare are backed up.
Tom: Okay, wait, time!
Mike: Now what?
Tom: Not that it matters at this point, but does it strike
anyone else as odd that she only showed up to save "her
people" AFTER a whiny American teenager got herself in
trouble?!?
Crow: Just accept it, Tommy. Rationalizing anything here is a
long-lost cause.

> Amazana Yoriko,

Crow: [Yerko] Call me Yerko!
Mike: [A-O] Mmm... no.

> in the name of the Sun and of my
>people that I care for deeply, you are judged!"
>

Tom: [announcer] Yerko pled guilty to flying without a
license and two counts of disturbing the peace, in
exchange for testimony against Gary "The Tone-Deaf
Weasel" Burger.

>Amaterasu-Omikami now appeared, brandishing the legendary sword
>Murakumo-no-Tsurugi, which belonged to her brother Susano, the
>God of the Wind.

Mike: She also wore the mystical Belt of Altis, which once
belonged to the Goddess of Love, Kamira, as it went
well with her outfit.
Tom: She was armed with the magical Golden Lasso of Diana of
Themyscyra, who was on vacation with Aquaman in Atlantis.
Crow: And she brandished the legendary Eye of Argon, once
quested for by the barbarian Grignr of Ecordia, he of the
quivering thews.

> She unsheathed the sword and swung it at
>Yoriko.

Tom: Here, you've got a thread hanging off your jacket. Let
me...

> Yoriko parried the blow with her left arm, then tried to
>wrest the sword from Amaterasu-Omikami.

[All snigger.]
Crow: The Sun God is considerably less effective than your
average TV wrestler.
Mike: Yeah, good thing King Kong Bundy wasn't attacking, or
Japan'd be done for.

> Suddenly, Susano himself
>appeared and blew cold wind into Yoriko's face,

Mike: Aggravating Yoriko's temperature sensitive teeth.

> sending her
>howling.

Tom: And the howling motif is quickly re-established.
Crow: Well, their liposuction technology is decades behind ours.

> Brandishing the spear that Izanagi and Izanami used to
>create Japan, he plunged it into Yoriko's belly, sending her
>howling.

Tom: Oh, they're starting the Pasteur treatment for rabies.
Mike: Not pleasant to watch.

> She got off Daria, who stood up again.

Tom: Considerable arch to the giant's cloven hoof there.

> Yoriko withdrew
>the spear and flung it at Susano, who grabbed it.

Crow: OK! Now, go long! No, more!

> Amaterasu-
>Omikami now charged at Yoriko with Murakumo-no-Tsurugi,

Tom: That's Japanese for "Not To Be Used As A Toothpick".

> and drove
>it home right into Yoriko's heart.

Mike: At this point, I've officially lost track of who's who
and who's doing what.

> The creature was not dead,
>but now was weakened and in bitterest agony.
>

Tom: [Yerko, hung over] Ooo... Never again... as long as I
live. Man, it feels like I drank a cat!

>"My child," Amaterasu-Omikami said to Rei, "Use the powers of the
>miko that are yours by birthright to banish the demon."

Crow: [Rei] Huh?
Mike: [A-O] Do the thing.
Crow: [Rei] Oh!

>
>Rei took a demon banishment scroll and said, "This is for you,
>Grandpa! Akuryo taisan!," and flung it at the creature, sticking
>to its forehead.
>

Mike: So Yerko was vanquished by a Japanese "Kick Me" sign?
Crow: 3M saves the world yet again.

>"Ami, Daria, freeze her!," Sailor Moon said.
>

Tom: [Sailor Moon] Wrap her in aluminum foil to prevent
freezer burns!

>They both said "SHABON SPRAY, FREEZING!," and froze Yoriko solid.
>
>"Now, Sailor Moon," Amaterasu-Omikami said, "finish her off!

Crow: Ooh. I wonder what Sailor Moon's fatality move is?

>Destroy this demon and end this war!"
>

Mike: And clean the cat box! Luna's lookin' at me funny!

>Sailor Moon took out her Moon Scepter and pointed it at the
>creature.
>

Tom: [Eastwood] You gotta ask yourself one question. Do
you feel lucky, with that sword in your heart and
spear in your belly and scroll on your head in that
ice cube? Well do ya, *punk?*

>"MOON PRINCESS HALATION!"
>
>The magic beams hit the creature with such force that it exploded
>with a loud "BOOM!"

Mike: Wow. The Japanese certainly have embraced the Fourth
of July.
Tom: Yeah, but I don't think they quite "get it" yet. A
little off.

> Everyone was knocked off their feet by the
>violent explosion.

Tom: But they get back up again.
Mike: You ain't never gonna keep 'em down.

> Daria, however was blown over and nearly fell
>to the street save for her grabbing a railing.

Tom: Man, everyone's reflexes get so good when they're about
to fall!
Mike: Maybe she pulled a Wile E. Coyote. Landed flat on the
air, then warily felt there was nothing beneath her
before pedaling her legs toward the railing.

> Daria was hanging
>on for dear life. Suddenly, an arm grabbed her, and Daria
>grabbed it with both hands and was taken to safety. It turned
>out to be Jane.
>

Tom: Whoa-ho! Go, Gold Gym Jane!
Crow: Look at her veins! She's cut!

>"Thanks, Jane," Daria said, "I owe you one!"
>

Mike: [Jane] Eh, needed to get a set in anyway. Here, rest's
over, I need to lift you again.

>"Now to end this battle once and for all!," Amaterasu-Omikami
>said.

All: Please!

> Suddenly, fiery shafts shot out of her fingers, and they
>traveled all around Tokyo, incinerating every last NIRAA ninja
>soldier.

All: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Mike: If you could do that, why didn't you do it when the
friggin Death Plane started killing everyone?!?!

> Suddenly, it was all over. Amazana Yoriko and the
>NIRAA were obliterated.
>

Mike: But at least she died with the same dignity she had in
life!
Crow: Rather anti-climactic - in a deus ex machina kinda way.
Tom: Look, if it'll get this story over with faster, I'm all
for it!

>The dark clouds that were hanging over Tokyo began to dissipate
>as the Sun began to shine through.
>

Crow: o/~ Let the sunshine in! Let the sunshine in! The sun-
shine in! o/~
Mike: Please, Crow. Let's not explore that route any farther.
Crow: Fine. How about "But wait! That's not the sun! It's
a horde of angels, out to attack Tokyo! Will Daria
link up with the NERV in time to save the city?"
Mike: Okay, go back to "Peter Guerin's 'Hair'".
Crow: Can do. o/~Lawndale, California. Across the Pacific
Sea... o/~

>"Thus as the sunshine dissipates the storm clouds, a new era
>dawns for Japan," Amaterasu-Omikami said.

Tom: [A-O] An era of free trade! An end to racism! And
no more porn!
Crow: [Japan] Augh! This monster's even worse!
Mike: [Japan] Sailor Moon, bring Yerko back! Save us!

> "Amazana Yoriko and
>the NIRAA have been destroyed. Peace reigns again.

Tom: o/~ So, let's all join hands and knock oppression down! o/~
All: o/~ Good Lordy I'm found! o/~
Crow: o/~ Don't cha know our little lives are now complete! o/~
Mike: o/~ 'cause Daria and Usagi are sweet! o/~
Crow: o/~ Super sweet! o/~

> I want to
>congratulate all of you for helping me stop these deadly
>adversaries. As a token of my favor, receive these."

Crow: [A-O] They're good for a free appetizer at
participating Red Lobsters.

> Once
>again, fiery shafts emerged form her fingers, but this time they
>solidified into gemstones.
>

Mike: Cubic zirconium?
Crow: Nah, it's a new miracle polymer called "Scintillex".
Don't rub it against any hard surfaces.

>"These solar gemstones will serve as a reminder of your heroic
>deeds in saving my people," Amaterasu-Omikami said.

Crow: [A-O] Or sell 'em on e-bay. It's really out of my
hands once you get them.
> "Keep them
>with pride, and pass them on to your children and grandchildren.

Mike: [Chibi] Cool! Pass it on to me mom! Come on! You heard
her!
Tom: Later, when the radioactive gems left them sterile,
the Senshi reflected on the ironic little sun god's
words!

>Remind them of the time you saved my people from tyranny. And
>now I must leave you.

Crow: [A-O] Got a five o'clock with my analyst. I just don't
feel good about my omnipotence these days.

> Come, my brother, we will return to the
>heavens.

Mike: [Susano] No! This is cool! Look, I can topple this
building with my finger! Wheeee!

> I will leave you with my blessing: may you live long
>and healthy lives for as long as the Sun shall shine in the
>skies."

Crow: Well there's a self-evident blessing.
Tom: Oh! And may you breathe deep the wonders of life for
as long as there's oxygen in the air!
Mike: And may you enjoy a successful soccer career until your
legs fall off!

> Thus the two gods left our plane of existence for
>theirs.
>

Crow: Later, berks! See ya in Sigil!
Tom: Bye guys! Drink when you're thirsty!
Mike: Live until you die!
Crow: Don't eat eggs unless they're thoroughly cooked!

>Everyone stood there speechless for a minute.

Mike: Ah. Now this is my favorite minute of the story.

> Finally, Sailor
>Moon said,

Mike: [Usagi] Well that was just *nuts.*

> "We did it. We all did it. We saved Japan."
>

Tom: [Usagi, dull] I am so. Happy.
Mike & Crow: [Senshi] Us. Too. Yay.

>They could hear the SDF soldiers below singing "Kimigayo" again,
>followed by a chorus of "BANZAI! BANZAI! BANZAI!"
>

Mike: Three *different* small junipers fall on Usagi, Rei, and
Daria, the other Senshi point and laugh, and! Fade out!

>A new era had dawned on Japan, and the world was never going to
>be the same.

Tom: Then the code went out: Climb Mt. Niitaka!
Crow: For at that moment, the Great Dragon Ryumyo had awoken
from its slumber inside of Mt. Fuji, and the sixth age
of man had begun.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>A few days later, a huge crowd had gathered in the Throne Room of
>the Imperial Palace.

Tom: Oh, well of course, now we rip off the end to "Star Wars".
Crow: I don't think this is a story as much as it is a
demonstration of how random access memory works.

> There were ambassadors, members of the
>Diet,

Mike: Susan Powter!
Crow: Tony Little!
Tom: Jenny Craig!

> and SDF soldiers, sailors and airmen as well as the Prime
>Minister, the Cabinet and the Imperial Family.

Tom: And it's still smaller than a "Saturday Night Live"
cast reunion.

> Also there was
>Representative-Elect Nagai; despite the horrible damage Tokyo
>suffered, the by-election went on as scheduled, and he won by a
>landslide.

Crow: Well seein' as he's the only candidate running...
Tom: He did survive a strong write-in challenge for John
Flansburgh of "They Might Be Giants" though.

> The Sailor Senshi, Ryu, the Solar Warrior, Gen.
>Torymura and Jane were all going to receive the Order of the
>Rising Sun,

Crow: From the House of the Rising Sun.
Tom: It's been the ruin of many a fanfic.
Mike: Oh God, I think this is one!

> the highest medal Japan could bestow.

Mike: The second highest is the "Golden Guerin", but the
ceremony lasts six days.
Tom: [chuckling] With no rests between speeches.

> They all
>entered the room, and everyone smartly stepped aside to allow
>them passage. They walked up to the Emperor and stopped in front
>of him, bowing deeply.
>
>"Honored heroes," the Emperor began,

Tom: Welcome to climax number *five*!

> "today a grateful Japan
>gives to you the highest award this nation can bestow for bravery
>above and beyond the call of duty:

Tom: A free Sony Walkman.

> the Order of the Rising Sun.

Mike: Is fighting evil really "above and beyond" a superhero's
duty?
Crow: Well...

>Wear these medals with pride.

Crow: You can't get back in the palace without them!

> Remember the sacrifices you made
>to save our nation from peril."
>

Tom: Yeah, right. Could you just validate the parking please?

>The Emperor them pinned the medals on each of them.


Mike: Well, they had to use a magnet to get it on Daria's
metal bikini, but it worked out.

> After that,
>the crowd cheered "BANZAI!" five times.
>

Mike: Hail the conquering dipsticks.
Crow: Considering this government blackmailed them, I'm
surprised they're not throwing the medals to the
ground and stepping on them.

>Gen. Torymura then stepped forward to say a few words:
>

Tom: [Torymura] Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered
here today to get through this thing called life.
Electric word, life, it means forever and that's...
ah, what the hell. BANZAI! BANZAI! BANZAI...

>"I want to commend the brave actions made by all those who were
>under my command in this situation.

Mike: [Torymura] You toiled in anonymity for the further
glory of me! Good job!

> We were fighting against
>impossible odds but we succeeded. But I do not know if I am
>worthy of such high merit.

Crow: Neither do we! But the medals were cheaper in sets of
five!

> I must confess a shortcoming to you
>that occurred fifteen years ago.

Tom: [Torymura] I bought into this land deal in Arkansas,
and...

> I was on patrol that day when
>the Soviets shot down the KAL jet that wandered into their
>airspace.

Crow: What? You were?! Hang him!

> We should have done something to avert the tragedy,
>but we felt bound by Article 9.

Mike: And, just a reminder. If you're looking for the
purveyors of quality collections of internet
comic strips, just head over to www.plan9.org.
Tom: Mike?
Mike: Sorry. They slipped me a fiver to say that.

> Although we had been cleared of
>negligence, I still feel some moral responsibility for what
>happened because my sister and brother-in-law were on board.

Tom: He's right! Get him!
Mike: Burn him in effigy!
Crow: No! Let's burn'em right here in Tokyo!

> But
>now I can begin to atone for my shortcomings."

Crow: He's gonna get hairpulgs, a convertible, and dump his
wife for a 22-year old geisha.

> He motioned to
>Makoto and continued,

Mike: OK! Done atoning! Thanks for your time!

> "I hereby vow to you all that I will take
>care of my niece Kino Makoto, whose parents were on board that
>plane, and I will finance her college education. She will live
>with my wife and children as well as myself.

Crow: Wouldn't that be implied?
Mike: You don't know the general's homelife, Crow.

> She will once again
>have a family."
>

Tom: Yeah, yeah, c'mon, the sashimi's gettin' warm!

>The crowd applauded.

Mike: Good. She's normal now.
Tom: Yeah, no more being a hideous freak without parents.
Let's welcome her into society on a trial basis.

> Tears of joy were running down Makoto's
>face.
>

Crow: [Minako, weeping] This is so much better than being valued
for my own achievements!

>Daria clapped with the others; meanwhile, she knew that she had
>to catch a flight after this,

Mike: John Hughes' "Planes, Planes, and a Few More Planes".

> and there was one small matter she
>had to take care of at a duty free shop before that. . .

Crow: Daria needed booze, and lots of it!
Tom: Hey, wait! Where's the old WWII plane guy?
Mike: I think he's back home basking in the applause of the
refrigerator.
Crow: Pinning a slice of genoa salami to his chest.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>At Narita Airport, Daria, Jane, Trent, Jesse, Jodie and Mack were
>going to take the next flight to Lawndale.

Tom: o/~ They'll take the next plane to Lawndale and we'll
meet them at the airport. Take the next plane to
Lawndale. There'll be a layover in Frankfurt.
Oh-oh-oh! o/~
Mike: [touching Tom] Ok, Tom. We get it. Thanks.

> But there was some
>matters to take care of first.
>
>"Well," Ami said, "since I didn't register, I lost my tuition
>deposit.

Crow: So now we torch the school! SHABON SPRAY, A POUND OF
FLESH!

> Now I'll have to wait another year for pre-med.
>Besides, I don't think I'm ready for it yet, anyway."
>

Tom: [snarky] Oh, yes, millions are orphaned, there's a
mass funeral later, but let's talk about *you!*

>"Good call, Ami-chan," Usagi said, "we need you big time."
>

Crow: The giggling girl ratio is perilously low!

>"I guess this means my career as Sailor Mercury is over," Daria
>said.
>

Tom: [Daria] Now I have to stop being better than you guys
and go back to just being better than my own family.

>"It most certainly is!," Luna said. "Ami, Daria, grab onto my
>tail."

Tom: Cat Yanking! The Olympic sport the whole family can
enjoy!
Crow: Wait, doesn't Ami already have her Mercury powers?
Won't this cause a short or something?

> They did, and the Sailor Mercury powers were transferred
>back to Ami.
>

Mike: In full view of all the tourists comin' off the red-
eye from LAX.
Crow: [tourist] Oh look. Two schoolgirls being electrocuted
by a talking cat.
Tom: [same] We really *are* in Japan!

>"Well," Daria said, "back to just being a mere mortal!"
>

Mike: [Usagi] Ami, did you hear something?
Tom: [Ami] I think one of the mortals tried to talk to us,
Usagi.
Mike: [Usagi] Really? How quaint.

>"Hey," Jane said, "you still have your ability to put down
>people!"
>

Crow: [Jane] So put me down! Heeeelp!!!

>"Daria," Usagi said, "on behalf of all the Sailor Senshi, thanks
>for all your help.

Tom: Good luck, get out, and never come back, foreign trash!

> If we ever get a chance to visit Lawndale,
>we'll look you up. Keep in touch with us, OK?"
>

Mike: Yeah, Jane stuffed Chibi in her suitcase. They'll be
in touch *real soon*.

>"We will," Daria said.
>

Crow: [Bogart] It doesn't take much to see the problems
of two people, their two black friends, two hundred
forty-eight Senshi and some talking cats don't add up
to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

>"Mikey,"

Mike: What?
Crow: Not you.
Mike: Sorry. Just having flashbacks to childhood with my
brother.

> Brian said, "it was nice meeting you again, even if it
>was brief."
>

Tom: Uh-huh. And you are...?

>"Next time you go on leave, drop by," Mack said.
>

Mike: We'll have an indistinct family reunion, full of
hazy sack races and vague potato salad!

>"I'm going to miss you guys," Daria said, then hugged all the
>Sailor Senshi.
>

Mike: The Long Arms of Daria's Law!

>The PA announcer said that the Lawndale flight was now boarding.
>

Tom: [sighing] I don't think I'll ever be able to look at
airports the same way again.
Crow: [downcast] The movie "Airport" didn't spend so much
time at the airport.

>"We've got to go now," Daria said. "Keep the faith!"
>

Crow: Jon Bon Jovi in a brief cameo role.

>Daria and her friends then went down the gate.
>

Tom: They only had money for two tickets, so Mack and
Jodie are ridin' in the overhead compartment.
Mike: Well, it's where excess baggage goes, so...

>"Farewell, Daria Morgendorffer, and godspeed!," Usagi said.

Tom: But that wasn't all, for on the plane ride back,
yet another hijacking took place, and Daria and her
friends were called upon yet again to save the day,
as Jane and Trent assumed their new identities of
The Red Avenger and Firehawk, and the Sailor Senshi
appear, along with the Power Rangers, to assist with
thWAHHHH!!!!
[Mike pitches Tom out of the theater]
Mike: It had to be done.
Crow: I know - don't blame yourself.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>The Sailor Senshi returned to Tokyo. It was now midnight.

Crow: And not a sound from the pavement.

> Most
>of the Sailor Senshi were with their parents in the emergency
>shelters that were set up around the area.


Mike: Their covers blown, the Senshi watch in horror as their
parents scheme to profit from the uberchildren.

> Usagi's parents
>hadn't returned from the resort yet,

Crow: They've gone to that party at Jack Taylor's.
Mike: Huh?
Crow: Before your time - don't worry about it.

> so she and Chibi-Usa were
>staying with Luna and Rei in Mamoru's apartment.

Crow: "Three's Company 2000"!
[Tom returns, shakily]
Tom: What's the big idea?!?
Mike: Think of it as an intervention.

> Usagi and
>Mamoru were sleeping together.

Tom: Bwow-chicka-bwow-bwow!
Mike: I can throw you outta here again.
Tom: Sorry.

> Usagi got up, put on a robe,
>walked across the apartment past the couches where Luna, Rei and
>Chibi-Usa were sleeping and stepped onto the balcony.

Mike: This is that famous scene where Usagi stalks the halls,
frantically trying to wash the blood off her hands.
Crow: [Usagi] Out, you grody spot!

> She could
>see the horrific damage that Tokyo suffered.

Crow: [Usagi] Gee, that's the 3rd time this week. I really
oughta move to Yokohama.

> Mamoru then joined
>her.
>

Tom: [Mamoru] So. What's a nice Sailor Senshi like you doin'
on a balcony like this, sweetcheeks?

>"Mamo-chan," Usagi said, "with all the horrible things that have
>just happened here, and with all the evil that is still rampant
>in this world, will we ever realize Crystal Tokyo?"
>

Mike: [Usagi] Will there *ever* be a restaurant that serves
small square hamburgers here? And that kid- she looks
nothing like me! What's her deal?

>"Perhaps it won't come to pass exactly the way everyone thought
>it would," Mamoru said,

Mike: Perhaps it will be all subdivisions and studio apartments.

> "but it is still possible. Maybe it is
>up to us to make it happen.

Tom: I believe in Crystal Tokyo, 'cuz I believe in me!

> Tokyo will be rebuilt, and it will
>be people like us who will rebuild it.

Crow: Which is probably why it keeps getting destroyed all
the time.

> It will take people like
>Gov. Nagai to realize that vision, that future we're all fighting
>for. Besides, I think I can make a difference here and now.

Mike: I can make a lot of money selling the surplus Senshi
as pet meat!

>Tomorrow I'm going to announce that I want to seek the Komeito
>nomination for the governorship of Tokyo-to.

Tom: No time like the post-apocalypse to start climbing the
greasy pole.

> And I wouldn't mind
>if you were my First Lady."
>

Crow: [Usagi] Huh? Your first? You've never-?
Mike: [Mamoru] Well, not with girls.. I mean, No! I want
you to be my bea.. er, wife!

>Usagi asked, "Mamo-chan, are you asking me to marry you?"
>

Tom: [Mamoru] Nah, I just want you to be my intern.
Crow: [Usagi] Cool!

>Mamoru replied, "Yes, Usako."
>

Mike: Usagi! But close enough!

>"Then," answered Usagi, "in that case, of course."
>

All: AWWW!
Crow: It's so cute when an enabler finally meets his
headcase!

>Mamoru then pointed outside

Mike: What? Mammy! Kiss her!
Crow: C'mon, you big pork butt, she just said yes! Plant one!

> and said, "Tsukino Usagi, take a look
>around you.

Mike: You're gonna make it after all.
Tom: [Usagi] Uh-huh. Where's the ring, guy?

> From the ashes we will build a better future for all
>of us.

Crow: [Usagi] Yeah, yeah. The ring, Einstein! Fork it over!
Show me the rock! Come on!

> If that isn't worth fighting for, than what is.

Mike: Well, I don't know. Rational gun laws? Minimum wage
increase? A free and democratic Cuba?
Crow: Nope. A decent order of French Fries. Oh, and cheap gas.

> At least
>if we are to fight for it, let us do that side-by-side, husband
>and wife."
>

Mike: [Mamoru] Okay, so our getting married doesn't say jack
about whether we'll be able to rebuild a whole *city*
on our own, but I'm on a roll here...

>They then kissed and returned to bed.

Mike: Well, Usagi did. Mamoru suggested they bring Rei along
and now he's cooling it on the couch.

> They made love, and they
>fell asleep,

Crow: Being a guy, of course, Mamoru fell asleep long before
Usagi did...

> Mamoru's head laying across Usagi's breasts.

Tom: AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! ENOUGH
WITH THE BREASTS!!!!
Crow: Wow!
Tom: STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!!!!!
Mike: You okay now, buddy?
Tom: NO!!! *pant* *pant* But I'm better!

> Usagi
>then said to herself, "We will fight for a better future, Queen
>Serenity, and we will do it together."

[All rise to leave.]
Crow: [Usagi] But first I gotta ditch Tuxedo Load here.
Tom: Finally! A line fitting to end the story!
Mike: Tomorrow on the big program, Pepper Ann from Disney's
"1 Saturday Morning" fills in for Setsuna, that baby
thing from "Hysteria" drops by, and musical guest Cake.
Splendora, take us home!
All: *o/~ La-la, LA la, la! o/~*

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------

[All stop, perplexed. They warily return to their seats.]
Crow: Huh? There's more?
Mike: What, we have to see Daria unpack? END already!

>At Lawndale International Airport, Helen, Jake and Quinn were
>waiting for Daria's flight to arrive.
>

Tom: And *another* airport yet?!
Mike: But it was a Northwest flight, so it would be a few
hours yet. Maybe even a couple of days.
Crow: Too bad they never found all those unexploded grenades
the militia had hid around town. Wonder where they went.
Ah, well, time to reopen the airport.

>"When are they going to get here?," Jake said.
>

Tom: Well when they arrive, we'll ask them.

>"You know airlines," Helen said, "they're always running behind
>schedule!"
>

Mike: [Jake] You'd think Alaska Air would be more timely.
Crow: [Helen] And it's not like there's been recent terrorist
activity in Lawndale or anything.

>Suddenly, Daria and her friends came down the gate.

Tom: Accompanied by Tom Sawyer.

> They ran up
>to Daria and hugged her.
>

All: AWWWW...!
Mike: And it's all the more touching because a gigantic
mutant ogre tried to step on her!

>"Welcome home, sweetheart!," Jake said. "We're so happy you're
>back."
>

Tom: [Daria] You know, dad, I did save the town from
militants. You might want to say you're proud of me.
Crow: [Jake] Sorry, kiddo! This is the reunion scene. Take it
up with Pete.

>"Quinn," Daria said, "I have this for you." It was a box.
>

Mike: [Quinn] Wow! This is cooler than when you got me
that inter-office envelope!

>"What's in it?," Quinn asked. "I hope it's not a bomb!"
>

Mike: Instantly, airport security swooped down upon Quinn
and arrested her for her bomb threat.

>"Quinn!," Helen said.
>
>"Open it and see," Daria said.
>

Crow: Ironically, it *was* a bomb! And a good laugh was had
by all.

>Quinn did, and a very beautiful kimono was inside. Quinn held it
>up to her and said,

Mike: [Quinn] This is a kimono? I was thinking of those cool
straw mats.

> "Oh, Daria! This is so beautiful! I'm going
>to wear this to the next meeting of the Fashion Club!"
>

Tom: [grumbling] Yeah, yeah, konichiwhat do I care?

>"Man, am I ever glad to be back home," Trent said.
>
>"You know, Trent," Daria said, "I have to agree with you."

[All rise to leave.]
Tom: [Daria] Because otherwise, this story is completely
pointless.
Crow: She has to agree with him! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~
Mike: Oh, and "Rosebud"? A big fat plane! Sayonara, suckers!
Tom: At least it's over.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>Since it was the weekend when she arrived back,

[All crawl wearily back to their seats.]
All: Oh, for crying out loud!
Tom: The movie "Clue" had fewer endings than this!
Mike: What could possibly be left to write about?! Yerko's
funeral? The Sailor Starlights' bill? What?

> Daria spent
>Friday night at her house, then spent Saturday at Jane's place.

Crow: So Daria sleeps around? That's what we stayed after class for?

>That night, she and Trent had a frank talk about their feelings
>for each other,

Crow: [Daria] You want me to WHAT?! NO!
Tom: [Trent] Come on, Daria. I can't buy the bunch without
first tasting a grape.
Mike: o/~ Let me talk frank about Frank... o/~

> and they wound up sleeping together.

Tom: The first 95% of the story was mindless violence, and the
rest is apparently cartoon sex.

> It was
>midnight now, and they were lying in bed.

Mike: [Trent, wistfully] What do you think trees think about?

> Daria laid her head
>across Trent's chest. She was trying to find some words,

Mike: Paresthesia!
Tom: Furibund!
Mike: Zarzuela!
Crow: Crestomathy!
Tom: Glabella!
Crow: Splunge!

> but all
>she said at first was:
>

Crow: So that's it, huh?

>"Trent, take a good look at me and ask me if I'm really small-
>breasted."
>

Tom: [Sighing] She should have kept looking for words.
Crow: [dully] Wow. A breast reference. What a shock.
Mike: [same] Yeah. We sure never saw that coming.

>Trent replied, "Daria, no matter now big those things are, you're
>still a beautiful woman to me."
>

Crow: Noah? Issat you?
Tom: [Trent] I mean, you can do like you pleases, you're
nobody's fool....
Crow: Tom...
Tom: You can't be convicted, you've earned your degree....
Mike: Tom?
Tom: o/~ And the most she will do is throw shadows at you,
but she's a beautiful woman to me...o/~
Crow & Mike: TOM!
Tom: What?

>Daria continued, "Trent, I'm glad we finally admitted that we
>love each other. This has been a special night for me.

Crow: [dully] You can tell. From the joy in my voice.

> But what
>led you to finally confess your feelings for me?"
>

Crow: [Trent] This sense of impending doom. But it never
happened. What a bummer.

>Trent began to reply:
>

Mike: [Trent] Jane said you were a pushover for fake sincerity.

>"Well, I spoke to that Mamoru cat,

Crow: Was that the black one or the white?

> and he told it like it was for
>him when he first met that Usagi babe.

Mike: Wait, isn't this from that Shakespeare rip-off with
Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes?
Tom: Um, Mike, that *was* a Shakespeare play.
Mike: Hah! Yeah, and I'm Regis Philbin!
Crow: You may wanna break out that lifeline, sparky!

> He told me he once hated
>her and called her 'Dumpling-Head',

Tom: She was one *dim sum* of a bitch! Ha!
Crow: That joke showed *wonton* disregard for us, Tommy!
Mike: OK, before I hear a pun on "kreplach", could we stop
now please? Thank you.

> but over time he realized how
>special she was to him, though he didn't have the guts to say it
>at first. But now they're real close, man.

Tom: [Trent] In fact, they were just on the same balcony.

> Mamoru gave me the
>courage to finally speak out. I'm glad he did."
>

Mike: Kept that crazy blonde airhead off the streets.

>"And I'm glad he did, too," Daria said as she grabbed some body
>oil and began rubbing it on Trent. Daria now felt good being
>nude, and so did Trent.
>

[All sobbing and groaning]
Crow: Everytime we think we've hit bottom, there's Pete,
digging a us a fresh new level of hell.

>Jane heard everything that was going on through the wall and
>smiled to herself.

Mike: Now we're just getting creepy!
Crow: See?!? Fresh new hell!!!

> "At last, my brother's admitted he's crazy
>for Daria," she said to herself.

Mike: And his monkey noises during foreplay are actually
kinda endearing!

> "Hell, maybe someday they'll
>get married and have kids

Tom: Yes, making creative people conform! The goal of any
Japanese story!

> and I'll be a good aunt to them and
>teach them to be artists like me!"

Crow: [Jane] I'll teach them to kick crotches and... well I
guess that's it, really.

> Jane went off to sleep with a
>self-satisfied smirk.

Tom: So she's sleeping with Jim Carrey?
Mike: Should we even move?
Tom: Even he wouldn't end on that.
Crow: I'm not sure he would end on *anything* at this point.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>After spending Sunday at home, Daria returned to school.

Tom: Oh-ho, see? We had to see that Daria didn't drop out
of high school, right?

> At
>first, she was a bit reprehensive since she was an outcast, but
>when she entered,

Tom: She was teased and ostracized and she realized the whole
thing had been a dream.

> it seemed everyone was asking questions about
>what had happened and what she did.

Mike: [kid] Can you fly?
Tom: [kid] Can you see the future?
Crow: [DeMartino] Daria! CURE my SCIATICA!

> Now, that school was letting
>out for the day, everyone was crowding around her.
>

Mike: It's so crowded that even the faces of those she's
wronged don't have room to float up before her.

>"You've just got to tell me who does your clothes," Sandi said,

Mike: [Sandi] I love whole metal bra look.

>"that combat fatigue look is so chic!"
>

Tom: THEY'RE NOT COMBAT FATIGUES!!
Mike: Jeez, what, are you Jeff Healy's kid? Open your
eyes, dammit!
Crow: The new "Eddie Vedder" line from Sears.
[Tom and Mike turn to stare at Crow.]
Crow: What?

>"Want to go to my party this Friday night?," Brittany said,
>twirling her hair around her finger and staring into space,

Tom: Uh-oh, she's having another episode.

> "I
>know some guys who might be interested in you!"
>

Tom: [sighing] This is SO not Daria.
Crow: Yeah, even with the death plane and all the stupid
senshi, this is the most non-Daria moment right here.

>"Thanks, but I'm already spoken for," Daria said.
>

Crow: [Daria] I'm going to be Mrs. Orenthal James Simpson!

>"You know, Daria, you're an OK person," Kevin said.
>

Mike: Wow, she saves the whole town and she's an "OK person"?
What would she have to do in order to be a "neat-o
person"?
Tom: Go back in time and prevent this story.

>"If you ever want to join the Fashion Club, you're welcome to,"
>Stacy said.
>
>"And to think that just a few days ago, nobody wanted to talk to
>you," Jane said.
>
Crow: [Jane] You were so much cooler then.

>"Well, I just hope my fifteen minutes of fame lasts a bit longer
>than most others," Daria said.
>

Mike: It's fifteen minutes! What, time moves slower in Lawndale?
Tom: Mike?
Mike: Oh, right. It's Lawndale. I forgot. Sorry.

>Daria saw Quinn coming with her boyfriends Joey, Jeffy and Jamie.

Crow: Wow, she's already up to the J's.

>
>"And this is my heroic sister, Daria!," Quinn said.
>

Crow: [Jeffy] Eh. She looks like one of those Sailor Scoops
whose tapes are in the close-out bin at Blockbusters.

>"I thought she was your cousin," Joey said.
>

Crow: [Quinn] She's both! Mom and Dad came from West Virginia.

>"That was all rumors!," replied Quinn. "She really is my sister,
>and I'm proud of it!"
>

Mike: A little sugar with your saccharine, Pete?

>Suddenly, Upchuck arrived.
>

Tom: Someone must be thinking of that baby oil scene...

>"Hey, Quinn," Upchuck said, "want to go to my place for some
>tutoring, if you know what I mean? ROWR!"
>

Tom: [Quinn] No thank you, my grades are perfectly
satisfactory.

>"Leave me alone, Upchuck!," screamed Quinn.
>
>"I'll handle this, Quinn," Daria said. "SHABON SPRAY, FREEZING!"
>
>Upchuck was frozen to his neck.
>
>"I thought you gave up all of Sailor Mercury's powers," Jane
>said.
>

Mike: You kiddin'? Once you've had it senshi style, you
never go back!
Crow: [wincing] Ugh. Shame on you, Mike!
Mike: Yup. Shame on me.

>Daria replied, "Not all of them, Jane; after all, I have to teach
>some idiots here a lesson!"
>

Mike: Oh, where to begin?
Tom: Meanwhile, in Japan...
Crow: [Ami] Take this, Acid Monster! SHABON SPRAY, FREEZ-! Huh?!
What the-?! Oh, poopie!

>"C'mon," Jane said, "Let's go get a pizza!"

Mike: [Quinn] I don't know, guys. Charles seems like he's
in pain or something! Shouldn't we call a doctor?
Tom: [Jane] Nah, don't worry about it. C'mon, deep dish or
regular?
Mike: [Quinn] But should he be turning that color?
Tom: [Jane] Chuck E. Cheese's?
Mike: [Quinn] Chuck E. Cheese's! Cool!

> She flung her arms
>around Daria and Quinn

All: Saaaaaaay!

> and left along with the others. Upchuck
>was all alone.
>

Tom: And he died of hypothermia. And it was funny! LAUGH!!!!

>He began to scream, "Hey, isn't anyone going to get me thawed
>out? Anyone? HELP!"
>

Mike: Yes, the unpopular kid slowly dying of exposure is
the comic relief.

>Mr. DeMartino saw him there.
>

Crow: o/~ Cause he was just seventeen, and you know what I
mean! o/~

>"I've been waiting a long time for this, Charles," he said.

Tom: Oh, no. Have we really sunk to drawing a moustache on
Charles with a laundry pen? Is this what comedy's
come to?

> "And
>I'm going to relish this! There's one word I've been dying to
>tell you for the longest time."
>
>Upchuck asked him, "And what's that, Mr. DeMartino?"
>

Mike: Plastics.

>Suddenly, Mr. DeMartino yelled, "SHADDUP!"
>

[Silence]
Mike: 500 pages in, and *now* they listen to us.
Crow: Can we sue him? Really, can we sue him?
Tom: Excuse me for a moment, Mike.
[Tom's head explodes in a fiery *ka-boom*]
Mike: Gah! Well, that hasn't happened in a while.
[Mike begins to replace Tom's destroyed head.]

>He left Upchuck where he was. The lights were turned off and the
>doors locked.
>

Crow: Thank god the sadistic, uncaring militia didn't win!

>Upchuck now began to shriek in his loudest voice possible:
>

Crow: *SEE YOU IN HELL, YOU BASTARDS!*

>"HELP! HELP! ANYONE! I'LL PAY A HUNDRED DOLLARS TO ANYONE WHO
>CAN FREE ME!"
>

Crow: Ah! A noble quest, Sir Upchuck!
Mike: Heck! I'll give whomever can free *us* $1,000!
[Mike finishes working on Tom, and Tom re-activates]
Tom: Okay, what happened?
Crow: We were placed in suspended animation. It's the year
2525.
Tom: Is the story...?
Mike: Nope. We're still in the epilogue.
Tom: Blast. This thing is longer than Warren Beatty's Oscar
speech.

>Upchuck kept this up for a few minutes, then finally said, "Why
>do I always get into these predicaments?"

[All rise to leave.]
Tom: He's always gettin' into one zany scrape after another.
Mike: Ah! For fun. Let's get out of here before -

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>EPILOGUE
>

[All stop, sigh loudly, and walk slowly back to their seats.]
Tom: He's doing this on purpose. I just know it.
Crow: Well, at least epilogue implies we're getting near
the end of this thing.
Mike: We'll see.

>A government investigation led by Representative Nagai revealed
>that the NIRAA was a deep-rooted conspiracy

Mike: So Sailor Stumpgrinder was called in to handle it.

> that involved some
>corporate executives, some non-commissioned SDF officers and even
>some minor bureaucrats.

Crow: What an effective conspiracy. They managed to completely
avoid ensnaring anyone in a position of power.

> Massive arrests were made.
>

Tom: A few people arrested were even involved in the conspiracy.

>Chiba Mamoru won the election to fill out Nagai's term as
>governor of Tokyo-to and married Usagi.

Tom: There's one campaign promise he wished he could break.

> They soon had a child,
>Chibi-Usa. The older Chibi-Usa then returned to her time.
>

Crow: And a sigh of relief was uttered by all.

>Rei took over as chief priest for the reconstructed Sendai Hill
>Shrine and honed her mental abilities until only Charles Xavier
>was a stronger telepath then her on Earth.
>

[Silence]
Tom: Oh no. No, no, no, no, no.
Crow: [panicked] Mike? We're in the Epilogue. He can't add in
new crossovers now! It's forbidden by the rules, isn't it?
Mike: Yeah, but Pete plays by his own set of rules! He's a rebel!

>Ami eventually did go to pre-med in Germany, and fulfilled her
>complete medical studies in the United States sometime later.

Mike: [Ami] I interned with Doctor Hook and Dr. Billy Graham!

>She later joined the staff of the Mayo Clinic and helped find a
>cure for childhood leukemia.
>

Tom: The cure involved making a speech, then freezing them!
Crow: Then she jacked up her fees higher than a Cheech and
Chong movie.

>Makoto joined the Japanese Olympic team and won several gold
>medals in track and field in the 2004 Games in Athens.
>

Tom: Minako was not important enough to be mentioned.
Mike: Who?
Crow: Peter could just throw out Japanese sounding names
and we'd have no choice but to believe they were in
story.

>Gen. Torymura eventually was named to the SDF Joint Chiefs of
>Staff.
>

Mike: But he turned them down to take over the Offensive
coordinator position at Florida State.

>Hamada Ieyasu declined to be awarded the Order of the Rising
>Sun, saying that serving his nation was reward enough.


Crow: Although he did keep clearing his throat and rubbing
his fingers together for some reason.

> He died
>shortly thereafter; his ashes were scattered from his beloved
>Nick over Tokyo Bay.

Tom: [weepy] He was a true hero, who cared enough about
his country to betray it to its sworn enemies.

> The Nick is now at the SDF museum.
>

Mike: Where its dangerous state of disrepair continues
to delight children and the elderly!

>The Solar Warrior still fights for truth and justice to this very
>day;

Crow: He's a fry chef at a Tokyo Arthur Treacher's!
Tom: Mention the Sun Goddess to get free hushpuppies when you
buy two meals at the regular price!

> he's had various adventures which will probably someday be
>told in another tale.
>

Crow: Oh, what the hell! Let's tell it now! Once upon a time...

>Japan truly changed from the Neo-Zero affair.

Mike: It started dating countries half its age, and bought a
Ferrari!

> It fully
>apologized for what it did in World War II and promised to help
>better relations with its neighbors and the world community at
>large.
>

Mike: And then they invaded Belgium.
Tom: "What?" said Japan. "We've always been in Belgium!"

>The Sailor Senshi are still committed to a better future for
>Japan and the world.
>

Crow: In both sub and dub formats.

>A Federal investigation revealed that the Lawndale Militia had
>extensive firepower in reserve and that many upstanding members
>of the community were part of it.

Tom: [Jake] Let me go! I had nothing to do with the militia!
Mike: [cop] Yeah, yeah, you and the last fifty people we
arrested, fellah.
Tom: [Jake] Give me one shred of evidence!
Mike: [cop] Ha! Get this, Sal! "Evidence"! Like his twenty
dollar college words are gonna save him now!

> There were many convictions,
>and most were either sentenced to death or life without parole.
>

Mike: Soon, Lawndale was little more than a ghost town, with
only Daria left, clinging to her past glory and refusing
to take off her metal bikini.

>Daria and Trent eventually married. They have a daughter, Usagi,
>and a son, Mamoru.

Crow: Boy, that's gratitude for you. Daria and Trent name
their kids after Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Boy, and in
return, they name their kid after a clay statue that
you grow plants on.

> Their Aunt Jane is getting their artistic
>talents honed.
>

Mike: [Jane, gruff] OK, now I want you drink the same way
you fight- with two fists!
Tom: [kid] But Auntie Jane, you said to always have a lit
cigarette!
Mike: [Jane] No one said art was easy, kid.

>Daria eventually became a lawyer like her mother. She
>successfully argued the case before the Supreme Court that struck
>down the 1996 welfare reform laws as unconstitutional because it
>violated poor people's due process rights.
>

Mike: Then she woke from her daydream and returned to her
life as a staff lawyer for Philip Morris Tobacco.

>Trent and his band Mystik Spiral eventually signed a multi-record
>deal with Warner Bros. records and has seven multi-platinum
>albums and scores of Top Ten and Number One hits.
>

Tom: In Japan, they're almost as big as Spinaltap!

>Ms. Li was eventually found guilty of embezzlement and sentenced
>to thirty years in jail.

Tom: She was out in six months and got a job as a commentator
for CNBC.

> Mr. DeMartino then became the new
>principal.
>

Crow: Eventually, he and his eye broke up due to "irreconcilable
differences".

>Highland admitted that it had used ineligible players in the game
>in question and forfeited it;

Mike: I knew James VanDerbeek didn't play for Highland!

> Lawndale thus won the conference
>title and eventually the state title.
>

Tom: And eventually- Poland!

>Israeli troops wreaked their vengeance on Islamic Jihad for the
>JAL hijacking.

Crow: [Jihad] What?! I didn't order twenty Hawaiian pizzas!

> The Imam al-Kabaz was killed when a missile
>struck his home.

Crow: The Israelis had nothing to do with that. It was just
a SuperDave stunt gone horribly wrong.

> Outstanding indictments against the others who
>were involved are pending in American and Japanese courts.
>

Mike: [terrorists] Ooooooo! Pending indictments! Please stop,
scary lawyer people, before you issue a subpoena!

>And, as for your announcer, he plans to finally get a good
>night's sleep and take a month off from his computer.

Tom: For thirty wonderful days, the sun shined brighter,
food tasted better...
Crow: People seemed to laugh more then...

> He needs
>it.
>

Tom: Astronaut Frank Douglas rescued alive, well, and of
normal size some 8000 miles away in a lifeboat in the
North Atlantic.

>"This is the end, beautiful friend, the end."
>
>--Jim Morrison, The Doors, "The End"

Mike: Finally! All right guys, let's go.
[Mike rises to leave]
Crow: One second. I just want to see it say "THE END"
Tom: Besides, it's not over. We're probably heading to
Germany where Ami's med school is beginning a
dangerous new experiment...

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>--------------------------------------------------------------- >
>THE EVER-LOVIN' END!
>

Crow: Ahhhh! Ok, let's go.
Tom: I don't know, guys. Should we trust him?
Mike: OK, OK. Let's all get up, real casual... no one's in
any hurry.
Crow: Right! Ha! Tra-la-la, la-la!
Mike: Now RUUUUN!
Crow and TOM: AAAAUGH!!!
[All make a mad dash for the exit.]

[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .]

>-----------------------------------------------------------------

[The Bridge]

[Mike and the bots stand behind the command console,
looking warily around. ]
Tom: So, that's it? Finally?
Crow: Whew. I thought he'd never shut up.
[Mike takes a deep breath and then speaks.]
Mike: You smell that smell, boys?
Tom: What? The jasmine? That's from the incense...
Mike: Not that! It smells like freedom!
Crow: Jasmine smells like freedom?
Mike: WOULD YOU FOGET ABOUT THE JASMINE?? Look, since
the story is finally over, I thought we'd celebrate.
Tom: Well, we don't have anything to celebrate with, Mike.
Mike: Guys, I'll just get something from the liquor
cabinet...
Crow: Tom and I emptied the liquor cabinet during Data 7.
Tom: It didn't help.
Mike: You emptied the... wait. You're robots. Does alcohol
even affect you?
[Silence]
Crow: Oh.
Tom: I knew we'd forgotten something.
Mike: [Sighs] It doesn't matter guys. 'Cause I've got
something even better than booze!
Bots: Better than booze?!
Mike: Yep! I've got... a song!
Bots: [Dejectedly] Oh.
Mike: Come on, guys! It'll be great!
Crow: I guess.
Tom: We've just been doing a lot of these lately, Mike...
Mike: Sing the song or I restart my "EZ-Bot Mechanics"
study again.
Tom: A song? Wow! That's great!
Crow: Let's go! I love singing!
Mike: I thought you'd see it my way.

[Mike picks up a guitar from behind the console and begins
to play.]

[TTO: "American Pie"]

Mike: o/~ A long, long time ago, back before time began,
The Solarians were on the Sun.
Their Goddess took a little cruise
To find some folks not so obtuse,
So the sun guys were left up there all alone... o/~

o/~ But then some baddies wandered in,
They blew up stuff and made no friends.
The Solarians were wiped out - o/~

Crow: o/~ Except for that stupid Sun Lout! o/~

Mike: o/~ Then the goddess named Selune
Put a bunch of babes up on the moon.
They made young fellows stop and swoon.
And now, our tale's begun... o/~

o/~ Oh, why, why, did we give this a try?
Took a look quick at the fanfic, shoulda just let it lie.
That ol' Pete Guerin's got that look in his eye,
Says he's got another bright idea! *sigh*!
He's got another bright idea! *sigh*! o/~

[Faster, Bouncy - you know the drill!]

Tom: o/~ Did you know this four-eyed girl
Is gonna fly across the world
To jabber with a talking cat? o/~
Crow: o/~ Ahh, she's leaving Lawndale far behind,
To go to Tokyo, where she will find
That all those heroes want to do is chat! o/~

Mike: o/~ Well, I know she's a brand new Senshi,
And in fact, she's Sailor Mercury!
But she's really got the blues,
Because she has to wear those fukus! o/~

o/~ Now she's a cynical teenage super belle
Who loves her Trent, though he can't tell,
And her sister looks like Gabrielle!
And now, our taaaaale's begun!
So we're all singin'... o/~

All: o/~ Why, why, did we give this a try?
Took a look quick at the fanfic, shoulda just let it lie.
That ol' Pete Guerin's got that look in his eye,
Says he's got another bright idea! *sigh*!
He's got another bright idea! *sigh*! o/~

Mike: o/~ Now for 10 years (or so it seems)
We've watched a bunch of nothing scenes,
Where no one does a thing but yack!
And the general was up in flight,
But ran away from an aerial fight.
He had the nerve to come crawling back! o/~

Crow: o/~ And when the governor almost died,
By the Sun Jerk, his butt was fried
And he had to thank his mommy -
Amaterasu-Omikami! o/~

Tom: o/~ While Daria used her Shabon Spray,
The hijacker flew poor Ami away,
But we still knew they'd save the day
Because our taaaaale's begun!
And we're still singin' o/~

All: o/~ Why, why, did we give this a try?
Took a look quick at the fanfic, shoulda just let it lie.
That ol' Pete Guerin's got that look in his eye,
Says he's got another bright idea! *sigh*!
He's got another bright idea! *sigh*! o/~

Crow: [whining, as Mike plays] Mike! This song's as long as
the story was!
Mike: I know. It's symbolic.
Tom: Huh?
Mike: Just keep singing!

Tom: o/~ Hi No Tori, even though a bore, he
Inserted throughout the whole story.
Plausibility is falling fast.
Then Yoriko stole the neo-plane,
And sang Monkish songs until she went insane
And tried to blow up the entire cast . o/~

Mike: o/~ Now the football game was starting soon,
While Mystik Spiral played their tunes.
What plays would Kevin call?
Oh, but we never saw it at all! o/~

Crow: o/~ 'Cause the airplane crashed into the field,
While the militia used them as a shield.
And Beavis and Butthead were revealed,
And our tale has just begun!
We started singing o/~

All: o/~ Why, why, did we give this a try?
Took a look quick at the fanfic, shoulda just let it lie.
That ol' Pete Guerin's got that look in his eye,
Says he's got another bright idea! *sigh*!
He's got another bright idea! *sigh*! o/~

Crow: o/~ We're scattered all over the place,
From Lawndale clear to outer space -
I don't know why, but you can ask.
So come on Sailor Mars and Sailor Moon,
The Sailor Squad is gonna be here soon,
Along with that fey hero, Tuxedo Mask. o/~

Tom: o/~ And as the NeoZero bombed us all,
My ears hear Yoriko's screeching call:
"BASTARDS!" she did yell,
"I'LL SEE YOU ALL IN HELL"! o/~

Mike: o/~ And as Lawndale burned into the night,
And Quinn escaped by morning's light,
I knew it would never be all right,
We've bare - ly just - begun!
And we're still singing, o/~

All: o/~ Why, why, did we give this a try?
Took a look quick at the fanfic, shoulda just let it lie.
That ol' Pete Guerin's got that look in his eye,
Says he's got another bright idea! *sigh*!
He's got another bright idea! *sigh*! o/~

[Slower, almost reverently]
Mike: o/~ I met a Sailor Senshi girl,
And I asked her if they'd saved the world,
But she just smiled and flew away
And I went to Lawndale High to see
The Principal, Ms. Angela Li
But DeMartino said the cops hauled her away. o/~

o/~ Then Moon and Mask, they married did,
And had a most annoying kid
Trent and Daria stayed loyal,
And used lots of scented oil. o/~

All: Ewwww!

Mike: o/~ Now two series we admire best,
"Moon" and "Daria", at last can rest.
It's over now, and off our chest
At last, our tale - is - done. o/~

o/~But we're still singin; -
Why, why, did we give this a try?
Took a look quick at the fanfic, shoulda just let it lie.
That ol' Pete Guerin's got that look in his eye,
Says he's got another bright idea! *sigh*!
He's got another bright idea! *sigh*! o/~

All: o/! Why, why, did we give this a try?
Took a look quick at the fanfic, shoulda just let it lie.
That ol' Pete Guerin's got that look in his eye,
Says he's got another bright idea! *sigh*! o/~

[As the song finishes, the lights signaling a call from
Castle Forrester begin to flash. Mike places the guitar
down and taps the light, smiling widely.]

Mike: ... So, whaddya think, Pearl?

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: You're celebrating kinda early, aren't you, Nelson?

[SoL]
Mike: Why shouldn't we be celebrating? We've survived
this train wreck of a story! After this, not even
a Bulwer-Lytton story could stop us now!

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: It's not over.

[SoL]
Mike: Of course it's over! We just read the epilogue!

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Nelson? It's not over.

[SoL]
Mike: [unsurely] But it has to be. There was an
epilogue...
Crow: [ibid] That's how stories end...

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Not when...
[Bobo enters, still talking on the phone.]
Bobo: You don't say? No, I really wasn't aware of
how humans had been brainwashed to reject
the concept of a timecube. Say, I need to...
Oh, you're going to tell me all about it.
Great.
[Bobo exits, shaking his head. Pearl casts a
concerned look at him as he leaves, then shakes
her head and turns back to Mike.]
Pearl: As I was saying, not when the story has
an appendix.

[SoL]
Mike: An appendix?
Tom: But it's fanfic! Fanfic things don't have
appendices!

[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl breaks into an evil grin.]
Pearl: This one does. Get back in there, Nelson.

[SoL]
[The fanfic sign flashes wildly. The trio stares
dumbfoundedly at the screen.]
Crow: This isn't happening...
Tom: An appendix?
Mike: I guess we'd better buckle up, guys. It looks
like we've got fanfic appendix sign.
[Mike halfheartedly hits the lights, and the door
sequence begins.]

[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .]

>---------------------------------------------------------------


[Mike and the bots dejectedly file into the theater.]

>
>APPENDIX TO "THE MISERY SENSHI NEO-ZERO DOUBLE BLITZKRIEG
>DEBACLE"
>By
>Peter Guerin
>

Crow: Do we have to?
Mike: 'fraid so, Crow.
[Servo is shaking back and forth]
Mike: [putting a hand on Tom's shoulder] Tom. [pause] Tom!
Servo! [Tom stops shaking]
Mike: Didn't we talk about this already?
Tom: [sheepishly] Sorry.

>INTRODUCTION
>

Tom: An introduction to an appendix. We may be in trouble,
guys!

>This appendix was designed to help explain some of the cultural
>aspects of Japan

Tom: Since there weren't enough mind numbingly obscure facts
about Japanese life in the story itself.
Mike: There you go, Servo. We can do this.

> as well as explain some of the in-jokes in the
>story;

Crow: "In-jokes" - when the author blames the audience for not
laughing.

> since this story has a heavy anime influence, and otaku
>in-jokes are very much a hallmark of the business,

Mike: So this is just an avant-garde greeting card?

> there's plenty
>of them.
>

Crow: All non-anime fans who read this story cover to cover,
raise your hands! [All raise hands.] One, two... OK,
three. Fine.
Mike: I guess this entire thing was written for us then. Thanks.
Tom: [desperately] But we don't care, so can we leave? *Now?*
Mike: [gloomy] Settle in, Tom...

>This appendix is in two parts:

Crow: A two-part appendix?
Tom: Looks like we *are* in deep doodoo.

> Part 1 is a brief but detailed
>discussion of Japan in general

Mike: You may want to take a Zantac before we start that section.

> while Part 2 is an explanation of
>the in-jokes by the data (or chapters) they appear in.

Tom: Detailed analysis will *prove* I'm funny!

> Part 1
>itself is divided into several subjects: History of Japan;
>Politics and Government; Religious Practices; Education;
>Business; and Social Conditions.
>

Crow: Wow! And we thought this would be long and dull!
Tom: Yep. Very deep doodoo.

>I am greatly indebted to the two books I have drawn most of my
>source material from.

Mike: Michael Crichton's "Rising Sun" and "The Pokey Little
Puppy".

> I have learned more about Japan from these
>two books than in any encyclopedia article or news report I have
>read in the past twenty years.

Crow: Except for that "Tom Tomorrow" series on the WTO!

> They are "The Japanese Today:
>Change and Continuity"

Tom: Talk about waffling!

> by Edwin O. Reischauer (Cambridge,
>Massachusetts, Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, 1988),

Mike: Pointy-Headed Brie-Eating East Coast Liberals Press,
Incorporated.

>a book often cited as the definitive English-language book on
>Japan;

Tom: Well, by English speakers. The Japanese refer to it as
a "laugh riot".

> the other is "Samurai from Outer Space:

Crow: Yeah, *there's* a suitably impressive dissertation
title.
Tom: Roger Corman's "Samurai from Outer Space"!

> Understanding
>Japanese Animation" by Dr. Antonia Levi

Mike: I can see where it would take a doctorate.
Crow: In psychology and stomach treatment, most likely.

> (Chicago, Open Court
>Press, 1996), which is available from Lorraine Savage's

[Silence]
Mike: Steve? You better not be involved in this...

>organization Anime Hasshin at PO Box 5121, Manchester NH 03108;
>please write to her for details about ordering this book or e-
>mail her at hasshin@tiac.net and mention about it to her.

Crow: Mention the Misery Deelybobber Sashimi Thingy and win
a free restraining order!

> The
>historical outline as well as some information about Shinto were
>taken from "World Almanac 1997" (Mahwah, NJ, World Almanac Books,
>1996).

Mike: [incredulous] He gave us publishing details on an
*almanac*?!
Tom: This really *is* a swollen appendix!

> Since this is but a brief description of Japan, I
>sincerely hope that those who read this appendix will consult
>these references for further study;

Crow: Pete should sincerely hope Japan doesn't file a class
action suit.
Mike: If we promise to do the reading, can we skip the
appendix?

> Reischauer's book should be
>available at any good library, and Dr. Levi's book,

Tom: Complete with button-fly dust jacket.

> as mentioned,
>can be ordered from Anime Hasshin.

Crow: Did I mention that I get a commission from the fine folks
at Anime Hasshin? Buy a book, already!

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>PART ONE: JAPAN IN GENERAL

Crow: Japan is a country where people live. Its main export is stuff.

>*****************************************************************
>********************1. History
>
>Japanese history is broken down into several eras;

Crow: There's the Age of Ninjas.
Mike: The Age of Godzilla.
Tom: And the Age of Gun-toting Cartoon Girls.

> until the so-
>called Meiji Restoration of 1868, they often coincided with
>events such as conquests, coups or changes in government
>structure.

Mike: Or new uniforms on "Star Trek".

> After 1868, eras changed when a new Emperor ascended
>the throne

Tom: And had the seat reupholstered.

> (as when the Showa Era ended

Crow: They stopped taking showers?
Mike: No, they didn't stop taking showers!

> and the present Heisei
>Era began in 1989

Tom: Hey, Emperor Willie Mays! The Heisei Kid!

> when then Emperor Hirohito died and his son
>Crown Prince Akihito acceded to the throne).

Crow: So powerless figureheads set the parameters of modern
history?
Mike: Hey! 'S'not my country. I don't make the rules.

> Although the
>Christian or Common Era dating system is now used in Japan as in
>the rest of the world,

Tom: The Christian Dating System! The only video service
tailored for you Southern Baptist singles on the go!

> Japanese coins to this day still bear the
>imperial era year instead of the calendar year (i.e. 1998 is
>Heisei 10).
>

Crow: That was a much better film than "Heisei 9".
Tom: Yeah, they got back to the basics for 10.
Mike: Those coins printed with "Heisei 0" must be major sore
spots for the royals.

>Japanese history is said to have started in 660 BC, when,

Crow: Pat Morita was born.

>according to legend, Jimmu Tenno established the Imperial
>Dynasty;

Crow: You'll ride in style, in the new 660 B.C. Imperial
Dynasty!
Tom: Power windows, independent suspension! All standard!
Mike: Jimmy Tenore? He was in my reading power class.

> whether or not he actually ruled all of Japan is in
>doubt,

Crow: He ruled any room his *wife* wasn't in.
> but he did exist,

Tom: Sure he did, honey.
Mike: I remember when I found out Jimmu Tenno was actually
my dad. I cried for weeks.

> and it is true that the dynasty has
>ruled unbroken to the present day (Akihito being a direct
>descendant).Reliable records, however, only begin in AD 3rd
>Century and were written by the Chinese.

Crow: Previously, these records were placed in cookies and
distributed as an after-meal snack.

> Another aspect was that
>Jimmu Tenno claimed as his ancestor Amaterasu-Omikami, the Shinto
>Sun Goddess;

Mike: [Jimmu] She's my nana!
Tom: So there really is an Alamagoosa-Oshkoshbgosh?

> this claim was not disputed until Hirohito renounced
>it at the insistence of American occupation forces in 1946.

Mike: At that point, MacArthur became a god.
Crow: Well, in his own mind, anyway.

> This
>divine claim of the Imperial Family's origins will be explained
>further in the article about religion.
>

Mike: Thomas Hobbes's "The Divine Right of Whackjobs".

>Japanese historical eras roughly begin with those first records
>and are as follows:
>
>Yamato (c. 300-592) Yamato plain conquered.
>

Mike: The giant nacho beasts are then tamed and domesticated.

>Asuka (592-710) Empress Suiko ascends the throne.
>

Crow: Wow. 108 years.
Mike: It's those bran muffins. They'll do it to you every
time.

>Nara (710-794) Heijo (later Nara) established as Japan's

Crow: Later called "Nut Cluster Island's"...

> first
>capital; later moved to Nagaoka in 784.
>

Tom: Later moved next to the sofa, facing the television.

>Heian (794-1185) Heian (later Kyoto) becomes the capital;

Crow: Nagoaka Residents Storm Wrong Capital In Protest!

> remains
>de facto capital until 1868, when Tokyo is proclaimed the sole
>capital.
>

Mike: Thanks to its high prehistoric monster traffic, Tokyo
was the natural site from which to govern a nation.

>Fujiwara (858-1160) Fujiwara-no-Yoshifusa becomes regent.
>

Tom: Later, Ash, Spider Silk and Black Pearl become regents.

>Taira (1160-1185) Taira-no-Kiyomori seizes power;

Crow: After shuddering uncontrollably and smelling smoke
rising from his ears, he lets it go again.

> defeated by
>Minamoto-no-Yoritomo in 1185.
>

Mike: In turn, defeated by Fisheye no-Miko in 1998.
Crow: I cannot contain my enthusiasm over this list!
It's incredible!
Tom: Makes you wonder why operas don't have more lists
in them.
Mike: Maybe it's considered too "low brow".

>Kamakura (1192-1333)

Tom: Was the oldest person in Japanese history.
Mike: Kama Kura, and his brothers, Chameleon and Sutra!

> Yoritomo becomes the first shogun or
>military ruler of Japan.
>

Crow: Nuh-uh! Who's the shogun of Japan?
Mike & Tom: Sho'nuff!

>Namboku (1334-1392) Imperial power restored by Godaigo, who later
>establishes the Southern Court at Yoshino in 1336.
>

Tom: o/~ When you see the Southern Court for the first time... o/~

>Ashikaga (1338-1573) Asikaga Takaugi restores shogunal rule.
>

Mike: Mainly because he just loves saying 'shogun'.
Crow: James Clavell is welcomed back into the nation.

>Muromachi

Crow: The national dipping chip of Japan!

> (1392-1573) Southern and Northern Courts reunited;

Mike: Reunion tour disappoints millions.
Crow: "Retire!" cry the multitudes.

>arrival of first Westerners--

Tom: Amway representatives, of course.

> Portuguese and Jesuit priests.
>

Tom: So, this Jesuit priest walks into Japan. I can't
remember the set-up, but the punchline goes, "I did!
Why'd you think I got kicked out of Tokyo!"

>Sengoku (1467-1600) Onin War breaks out.
>

Crow: So does Sandy Popindopolis over in Constantinople.

>Momoyama (1573-16003)

Tom: Lasted a long time, did it?

> Oda Nobunga enters Kyoto 1568;

Crow: Demands tube socks, gummi worms!
Mike: You know, I heard he's really ambitious. Get it?
Ambitious?
Tom: We get it, Mike.

> deposes last
>Ashikaga shogun in 1573; Tokugawa Ieyasu victor at Sekigahara,
>1600.
>

Crow: These random sounds brought to you by Aiwa! The last
word in stereophonics!
Tom: Geez, this looks like I'm reading a menu!
Mike: Try the stir-fried Tokygawa special, with some
Sekigahara soup.

>Edo, or Tokugawa

Crow: To his friends.

> (1603-1867) Ieyasu becomes shogun;

Tom: Court endlessly entertained by limitless "Gezundheit!"
joke opportunities.

> establishes
>Edo (later Tokyo) as shogunal capital. Christianity stamped out
>and Europeans expelled;

Tom: The hazings were getting out of hand.
Crow: They wind up being sent to charter schools.

> only Dutch are allowed to trade and only
>at Nagasaki.

Mike: Only Belgians are allowed to dance, and only Laplanders are
allowed to eat nougat.

> Japan begins to isolate itself from the rest of the
>world.

Crow: The diplomatic equivalent of a nine-year-old pulling the
covers over its head.

> Westerners return with a vengeance, led by US Commodore
>Matthew Perry in 1853,

Mike: That was in between his time on "Sydney" and "Friends".
Tom: He was quickly followed by Admiral David Schwimmer and
Field Marshall Courtney Cox-Arquette.

> US Consul-General Townsend Harris

Mike: What kind of twisted mother names her child Townsend?!
Tom: The same kind that names her child Yahoo Serious or
Alanis Morissette.

> (born in
>Hudson Falls, New York) negotiates first trade treaty 1858.
>Upstart samurai and others depose Tokugawa shogunate 1867.
>

Crow: [educational film] Shogunate! Raw, unrefined shogun,
straight from the shogun mines!
Mike: [same] While too crude too rule Japan, shogunate is a
critical ingredient in modern plywood!

>Meiji (1868-1912) Mutsuhito proclaimed Emperor in so-called Meiji
>Restoration;

Crow: He is later deposed in the so-called Meiji Declination.
Tom: "So-called"? Does Pete have some issues here?
Mike: Well, it was REALLY called the Meiji Keggar, but
Restoration just sounds more professional.

> Tokyo proclaimed sole capital.

Mike: Edo still rules haddock, fluke.
Crow: Later, Detroit is declared "Soul Capital" under Emperor
Berry Gordy the first.

> Charter Oath, 1868;
>first Constitution promulgated by the "genro" or elder statesmen
>who actually rule in 1889;

Tom: Massive kickbacks and pay raises begin circulating.
Mike: Right to "swear I will not rest until I avenge the death
of my goldfish" guaranteed by the Fifth Amendment.

> Sino-Japanese War 1894-95 and Russo-
>Japanese War 1904-05 big Japanese victories, especially for
>Imperial Navy,

Tom: [moaning] Mike? I'm gonna escape into my own dreamworld
for a minute. You don't mind, do you?
Mike: Hell no. Knock yourself out.
Tom: Thanks. [closes eyes, sighs pleasantly, then whistles]
No Guerin! No Guerin!

> which gets technical assistance from British Royal
>Navy (their influence would be felt elsewhere, as will be
>explained in the article about education).

Tom: [blissful] Flowers are blooming... children playing...
Japan is across the ocean, far, FAR away...
Crow: I think he's enjoying this TOO much.

> Korea and Taiwan
>annexed as well as half of Sakhalin Island. Rapid modernization
>occurs.
>

Crow: Japan can now afford to put a down payment on that
condo it's had its eye on, and trades in the Dodge Dart
for a new Toyota.
Tom: [still dreamy] Oooooo! A plane!
Mike: Huh?
Tom: A bright shiny plane on the horizon! Loaded down with
gleaming bombs and bright bubbly chemical weapons, and
happy armor-piercing bullets!
Crow: Tommy?
Tom: It's come to kill Japan! Hooray!
Mike: Whoo-boy.
Crow: I don't know. That dream sounds really appealing.

>Taisho (1912-1926) Reign of Emperor Yoshihito, who is
>unfortunately mentally incompetent;

Mike: He suffered from the delusion that he was Charles III.

> forcing Crown Prince Hirohito
>to act as regent for most of his father's reign.

Tom: [friendly] BOOM! There goes Tokyo! BOOM! Good riddance,
Kyoto!
Crow: Mike, he's fallen in too deep! Get him out of there!
Mike: [grabs Servo and shakes him gently] Tom, wake up, man.
Tom: Huh? Wha? Where am I?
Mike: It's okay, Tom. You were slipping away from us there.
Tom: I had the most wonderful dream...

> Great Kanto
>Earthquake 1923 decimates most of Tokyo.
>

Tom: Yeah! That was it!
Crow: However, Yoshihito blamed it all on a vast right-wing
conspiracy.

>Showa (1926-1989) Hirohito ascends throne; becomes longest ruling
>Emperor ever (he reigns almost as long as Queen Victoria).

Mike: Coincidentally, he is also not amused.

>Military slowly creeps into power, first with unauthorized attack
>on Manchuria in 1931;

Mike: [Military] Hell, we just wanted some take-out. We're
so sick of Japanese food...

> in full power by 1937; Hirohito objects
>strongly to most of the military's actions but is powerless to
>stop them.

Tom: Despite being the emperor?
Crow: He's descended from the smaller, geekier gods!

> Gen. Tojo Hideki becomes prime minister 1940. Japan
>allies itself with Nazi Germany and Fascist Italy.

Tom: And Communist Vermont!

> Surprise
>attack against Americans at Pearl Harbor 1941.

Crow: Thankfully, they were driven off by the USS Nimitz
and Freakazoid!

> Japan conquers
>most of East Asia, but almost all land is reconquered 1941-1945.

Mike: As recorded in the animated 1966 documentary, "Yellow
Submarine".

>Atomic bombings at Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945 force Hirohito
>to call for surrender against the wishes of his government.

Crow: [government] Come on! What's a few million dead?
Tom: Anyway, we've got this great counterattack planned that
involves twelve pounds of wasabi and a ferret!

>American occupation 1945-1952; Gen. MacArthur's staff drafts
>present Constitution, adopted 1947.

Mike: They later trade the constitution for an outfielder
and two minor league pitchers.

> U.S. takes Okinawa (but is
>returned in 1972);

Crow: [US] Here, you can have it back. It clashes with Guam.

> USSR takes Kuriles and the southern half of
>Sakhalin Island (they're still part of Russia to this day;

Tom: Yeah, there a tea ceremony means opening a bottle of
Stolly's and griping about your neighbor's money.

> the
>Russian possession of the Kuriles has been a source of friction
>between the two nations).

Tom: 1954: An atomic explosion creates giant monsters out
of stray pets.
Crow: Oh, like baby alligators, and other nasty beasts?

> After occupation ends, Japan recovers
>to become an industrial and economic powerhouse.

Crow: The pinnacle of Japanese engineering, the Wasabi, led
their fleet of superior automobiles.

> Hirohito was
>the last World War II leader still in office (and the only Axis
>power government official still in office) when he dies.
>

Tom: And weren't the secretaries surprised to find him the
next morning!

>Heisei (1989-present) Akihito accedes to the throne; presides
>over economic crisis of 1990's. Great Kobe Earthquake 1995.

Mike: Great Kobe Beef, 1998.
Crow: [basso] Beef! It's what's for dinner!
Tom: So this is what 'brief but detailed' means.

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>2. Politics and Government
>
>a. Constitution
>

All: o/~ We the people! In order to form a more perfect union! o/~

>Japan is governed under its present Showa or 1947 Constitution.

Mike: Article 1: You gotta fight for your right to party.

>This supplanted the original Meiji Constitution of 1889 and was
>drafted by the American occupation forces under the command of
>Gen. Douglas MacArthur.

Crow: Coincidentally, it enshrines egomania and corncob pipe
smoking as unalienable rights.
Tom: [MacArthur] All right, troops! What do you wanna see
the little yellow bast -
Mike: No. Absolutely not.

> Although some view it as an American
>document imposed on Japan, it did take into account many of the
>trends that were already prevalent in Japan before the
>militarists took over;

Tom: For example, mood rings and tamagotchi.
Crow: Throngs of Tokyo residents relished the mandatory
kissing of John Wayne posters.

> Japan was becoming a parliamentary
>democracy and a constitutional monarchy as of the British model.

Tom: Toffee consumption rose 400%!
Mike: Article 4 requires tabloid-worthy antics of Japanese
royalty.

>There were some American innovations, however, as will be
>explained shortly.

All: Industry!

> The new instrument solidified the trend
>toward parliamentary democracy.

Crow: The tuba! Instrument of change!
Tom: Yeah, nothing like the threat of nuclear annihilation
to clear your thinking.

> The Emperor was now called "the
>symbol of the State and the unity of the people" while the Diet
>was called "the highest organ of state power" and "the sole law-
>making organ".

Mike: Previously, the highest organ of state power had been
the gall bladder, and the sole law-making organ was
the small intestine.
[Crow and Tom both start to speak]
Mike: No Clinton/Lewinsky jokes.
[Crow and Tom settle back down, mumbling]

> Further, the famed Article 9 states that "Japan
>forever renounces war as a sovereign right and the maintenance of
>land, sea, and air forces";

Crow: Leaving them wide open for invasion and terrorist groups.
All: D'oh!

> this has been interpreted to mean
>that Japan cannot wage offensive war, but has the right to defend
>itself;

Crow: [chuckling] Hey guys! Let's go up to Japan and go,
"Does this bug you? We're not touching you!"
Tom: On the other hand, since the best defense is a good
offense...

> thus the creation of the Self-Defense Forces in 1954 amid
>much controversy. Amendments to the constitution can be made by
>a two-thirds majority of both houses of the Diet,

Crow: Cindy Crawford's "House of Diet."

> though it is
>silent as to whether such amendments are later to be approved by
>referendum as in many European nations or to be ratified by the
>prefectures as in the American system of ratification by states.

Tom: Man, the balk rule isn't this complicated!
Mike: Y'know, at this point, I'm starting to feel nostalgic
for the senseless violence and rampant sex.

>So far, no amendments have been made.

Mike: Well how are they supposed to if they don't know how?

> There is even a Bill of
>Rights like in the American Constitution;

Crow: It says, "Loud and shiny purchase with Constitution
made. Talking for you smiles. Burnish!"

> such existed in the
>1889 Constitution, but had legal restrictions placed on them.

Mike: So, you had freedoms, but they were illegal?

>There are no restrictions in the present document, though the
>public is enjoined to use their rights "for the public welfare".
>

Crow: Yeah, the Twenty-Sixth Amendment is just the word
"Behave!"

>b. The Emperor and Imperial Family
>

Tom: Are all hemophiliacs under the hypnotic sway of a
mystic from the slopes of Mount Fuji...
Mike: o/~ Travellin' along, there's a song we're
singing... o/~
Crow: Wrong family, Mike.

>Presently, the Imperial Family is restricted to the immediate
>members. This was one of the reforms of the American occupation.

Crow: The introduction of the dysfunctional family.

>Only Hirohito, Empress Nagako, Crown Prince Akihito and
>Hirohito's three brothers were considered to be "imperial";

Mike: The remainder of the family was declared common
margarine.

> even
>his married daughters were classed as commoners.

Crow: Gasp! How dare we drag Japan into the 1700s like that!

> In 1959,
>Akihito married Michiko Shoda (now Empress Michiko); even by pre-
>war standards she was a commoner (her father, however, was a
>respected businessman)

Crow: A made guy, a real family man, if you catch my drift.

> and was the first to marry into the
>Imperial family (she was also the first non-Shintoist and non-
>Buddhist to do so;

Mike: And the first sheep sheerer and the first southpaw!

> she's Catholic and went to Seishin University,
>a Catholic institution); they fell in love while playing tennis.

Tom: And the score was love-all, heh heh heh!
Crow: [Michiko]: But I don't understand - I lost, so I have
to marry you?

>The present Crown Prince is Naruhito; he too is married to a
>commoner named Masako Owada, and there were rumors for a while
>that Crown Princess Masako was unhappy about their marriage.

Crow: If Naruhito wanted to be a tampon, so help me, I'm
going to level the entire country.
Mike: I'm just hoping their descendants don't start an
extra-solar colony that spawns a 13 year old Star
Fleet princess.

>Thankfully, the Japanese Imperial Family has been free of the
>tabloid controversy that has surrounded the British, Monegasque,

Tom: Um, gesundheit?

>Belgian and Dutch Royal Families,

Tom: Belgian tabloids? What, did someone pose nude with a
waffle?

> despite misgivings that still
>linger (especially by veterans) over what degree of guilt
>Hirohito had in the military government's actions.

Mike: [old vet] What degree of guilt gets me a fat
government check?

> Hirohito was
>actually relived that he no longer had to wear a military uniform
>and instead wore a business suit and pursued his interests in
>marine biology.
>

[Silence]
Mike: Marine biology?
Tom: Folks, sometimes real life is stranger than whatever
riffs we can think up.
Crow: I wonder if he ever met George Costanza?

>The Imperial Family is actually a shy, quiet, retiring family,

Tom: SEE YOU IN THE PARLOR ROOM, YOU BASTARDS!
Mike: Soon, they'll be moving to Florida.
Crow: I smell a sitcom...

>much suited to their roles as serving as symbols of the state.

Crow: See? Bang two royals together, they make a clashing
sound!
Mike: "Symbols", Crow. With an "s".
Crow: Oh.

>Although the Emperor still takes part in some Shinto rituals, the
>government says they have no actual religious significance.

Mike: So when he turns water into wine, it's just a ploy
for attention. Nod politely and move away.

> When
>Shinto was declared the established religion during the Meiji
>Era, the Emperor was considered a god and the leader of the
>faith;

Tom: Wow - this guy was almost as powerful as Michael Jordan!

> to put it in perspective, it would be as if someone
>combined the Queen of England's role as temporal head of the
>Church of England with the spiritual leadership of the Archbishop
>of Canterbury and then made a living saint or a god.

Crow: Which describes Barbara Streisand's current job
perfectly.

> Shinto,
>however, is much more complex than that, as will be seen in the
>article about religion.
>

Mike: For a transcript of this speech, send $5.00 to, "Who
Asked?", Journal Graphics, Pueblo Colorado.
Tom: Does anyone know why we're being forced to sit
through a friggin' civics lesson?!?
Crow: Especially since we just barely escaped from the
world's most dangerous fanfic?!?
Mike: Pearl. Evil. Nuff said.

>Perhaps one of the reasons why the Japanese Imperial Family has
>kept itself free from controversy is that

Mike: - they are terminally boring.

> most Japanese view them
>now as average people;

Tom: I.E., better than Americans.
Crow: Just a plain old ordinary family living in a palace with
hundreds of servants and stuff.

> gone are the days when it was forbidden to
>look at the Emperor's face.

Mike: It's just that no one wants to.

> Hirohito stunned everyone in 1945
>when he went on the air to announce Japan's surrender to the
>Allies and told his countrymen to "bear the unbearable".

Tom: They'd have to read Deepak Chopra.

> The
>marriage of Akihito and Michiko stirred interest because they
>were in love with each other

Tom: Unlike most loveless Japanese marriages.
Mike: Servo!

> and the fact that Michiko is
>Catholic is not as fatal as if Prince Charles--who would be the
>temporal head of the Church of England when he ascends the
>throne--married a Catholic (which he is forbidden to do so
>anyway);

Crow: So forget we even mentioned it.
Mike: The entire female population of England immediately
converts.
Tom: Odd. I have a sudden urge to break into "Jerusalem."

> after all, Shinto and Buddhism existed peacefully side-
>by-side for centuries,

Mike: You got your Shinto in my Buddhism!
Tom: Well you got your Buddhism in my Shinto!

> and after the Meiji Restoration,
>Christianity itself was beginning to be accepted once again (the
>present constitution guarantees complete religious freedom;

Crow: Go worship any stupid loser god you want!

> this
>was no hasty decision given the toleration for Shinto and
>Buddhism as just mentioned).

Mike: [confused] So the Japanese imperial family can't look
at Catholics, or...
Crow: Hey, Tom, try and diagram that last sentence so we can
watch your head explode again!

> Most Japanese people accept the
>Imperial Family as an integral part of their government;

Mike: A fish really DOES need a bicycle.

> most
>just don't make a big deal out of if, and there is no real
>movement to abolish it (even the Japanese Communist Party does
>not want to get rid of it).

Tom: DEATH TO THE BOURGEOIS RUNNING DOG CAPITALIST ELITE!
Uh, except for you, your highness.

> The Imperial Family lives in a
>palace in Tokyo that was used by the Tokugawa shoguns; it is open
>to the public only on two days a year:

Mike: Last Thursday and February 32.

> the Emperor's Birthday
>(December 23) and New Year's Day.

Crow: Or whenever the Crown Prince throws one of his bitchin'
keggers!
All: Woooooooo!!!

>
>The Emperor's functions--

Tom: Can all be accessed by use of your hotkeys.

> other then the non-religious role he now
>has in Shinto--are quite few.

Crow: He presides over mall openings, plays Santa Claus at the
palace Christmas party, and gets to name every first-born
puppy.

> He signs documents such as bills
>and treaties, thus indicating his Imperial Assent (much like the
>Queen does in Britain in signifying her Royal Assent).

[Mike wolf whistles]
Crow: And what a Royal Assent! Rwwwor!

> Every
>December, the Emperor opens the yearly session of the Diet by
>reading a speech at his throne

Tom: Most people just read to themselves on the throne.

> just behind the Speaker's podium
>in the House of Councilors, much like the Queen's Speech is read
>in the State Opening of Parliament every November or the
>President delivering his State of the Union Address to Congress
>every January or February.

MIke: No, March! I mean April! JUNE!
Crow: So the Japanese are pretty much just like the English.
Tom: Minus the bad teeth.
Mike: Tom! Now with the English!

> The administration of the Imperial
>Family's functions is handled by the Imperial Household Agency.
>

Tom: A division of Humana.

>It should be noted that the Japanese themselves do not call the
>Emperor by his actual name;

Crow: They usually call him by his high-school nickname,
"Blobbo".

> in government documents and in news
>reports, he is called "His Imperial Majesty" or "the present
>Emperor";

Mike: Sometimes he's referred to as "The Amazing Mr. Please-
Please."

> even in death, he is referred to by the name given to
>the era of his reign;

Crow: So Clinton is the Monica President? Who knew?

> thus, Hirohito is now the Showa Emperor,
>and when Akihito dies, he will be known as the Heisei Emperor.
>

Mike: Actually, "The Late Heisei Emperor", but why pick nits?

>c. Prime Minister and Cabinet
>

Mike: The thrilling prequel to "The Lion, the Witch and
the Wardrobe."

>Actual political power rests with the Prime Minister and his
>Cabinet

Tom: He keeps it in his sock drawer.

> (curiously, Emperors ceased to have actual political
>power almost a thousand years ago;

Tom: Just like Strom Thurmond.

> even the so-called Meiji
>Restoration just removed power from the shogun and transferred it
>to the genro, or elder statesmen who engineered the coup).

Crow: Meanwhile, they're giving the emperor shiny toys to
distract him from the fact that no one's listening
to him!

> The
>Prime Minister can come from either house of the Diet, but in
>practice he is always from the House of Representatives, the
>lower house, since they have the final say on who will hold the
>post.

Crow: And usually the post turns into a cascade.
Mike: Yes, even in Japan, Rachel and Rain are getting married.

> The Prime Minister appoints his Cabinet of ministers.
>Among the most important include Education, Finance, and
>International Trade and Industry (MITI) .

Mike: o/~ Here he comes to save the day! o/~
Bots: MITI Minister!

> As in other
>parliamentary systems, the Cabinet consist of members of the
>party in the majority in the House of Representatives. Other
>functions of the national government are of agency rank, such as
>the Self Defense Agency and the Imperial Household Agency.
>

Mike: Department of State - check. Department of Defense -
check. Department of Dusting, Waxing and Picking the
Emperor's Socks Up Off the Floor - Check.
Crow: Wow! This Appendix really clears up a lot of issues
for me. For instance, I now know life ISN'T worth
living, and that there IS no purpose to our existence?
Mike: Crow? I think we're getting a little dark here.
Crow: Oh? You think so, Mike? I thought I was just
expressing my feelings. Well, I'll just bottle my
emotions like a ticking bomb, then!
Mike: Thanks. I appreciate it.

>d. The Diet
>

Mike: Starts tomorrow!
Crow: It better not be that stupid cabbage diet.
Tom: Yeah, the entire satellite stunk after you tried it
last time.
Mike: But they said I could lose 10 pounds in a week!

>When the Diet was first organized in 1890, it was clearly
>influenced by the British Parliament.

Crow: Hence the deep-fried Snickers bars!
Tom: The first in a long line of cheap Japanese knock-offs.

> In 1947, it was
>reorganized with some influence of American Congressional
>practices but is still much like Parliament.
>

Tom: It's Funkadelic, baby!
Crow: o/~ Atomic Do-o-o-o-og o/~
Mike: [basso] Bow-wow-wow-yippe-yo-yippe-yay!

>Like many national legislatures, the Diet is bicameral;

Crow: It's attracted to Cannon *and* Nikon.

> that is,
>it consists of two houses.

Mike: [Rich Twit] Yash, the main house at the Hamptons, and
the summah house at the cove.

> The upper house is called the House
>of Councillors, while the lower house--much like ours is in
>Congress--is called the House of Representatives.
>

Tom: Well, that and other names not printable.
Mike: Again, just like in America.

>The House of Councillors is an entirely elected body that
>replaced a partially appointed, partially inherited, partially
>elected House of Peers from the Meiji Restoration.

Crow: Which in turn replaced the old DuPont Network.

> The House of
>Councillors consists of 252 members;

Tom: [shudder] A nation ruled by 252 Deanna Trois. [shudder]
Crow: [Zap Brannigan] Each one sashaying around in form-
fitting velour...

> of these, one hundred are
>elected from the nation at large;

Mike: Strangely, the others are selected by the cast of
"Everybody Loves Raymond".

> the other 152 are elected from
>each of Japan's 47 prefectures.

Crow: Fifteen of them are raffled off at the Rotary Club.

> Each prefecture has a minimum of
>two so that at least one member from each prefecture will stand
>for election during each election cycle.

Crow: Thus ensuring all official business grinds to a halt
in the grand quest to be re-elected.
Mike: Please consult with your doctor before embarking on
any election program. Pregnant women should not touch
broken prefectures.

> Tokyo Metropolitan
>Prefecture has the most with 8. All members of the House of
>Councillors serve for six-year terms, and elections are held
>every three years, regardless of whether the House of
>Representatives is also standing for election;

Mike: And in defiance of all common sense.
Tom: Or our interest.

> at each election,
>half of the at-large membership (or 50) and half of the
>prefectural membership (or 76) stands for election.

Tom: I hope you're all taking notes, because this *will*
be on the final exam!
Crow: [sudden realization] Hey! Hey guys, you know who
Guerin is? He's that creepy history substitute who
always insisted on trying to teach?
Mike: Ew! And then he'd get all mad and huffy 'cause no
one paid attention? Man, I HATED him!

> Therefore,
>the upper house of the Diet is more akin to the U.S. Senate and
>the Canadian Senate than the British House of Lords as in the
>previous House of Peers.
>

Mike: In other words, they're not ineffectual drones,
they're power-crazed lunkheads.

>The House of Representatives consists presently of 500 members,

Crow: Insert member joke here.

>each elected form a prefectural constituency; each prefecture is
>divided into districts (or constituencies),

Mike: Which are all divided among the Five Families.

> which in turn elect
>from three to five members depending on the population of the
>constituency

Tom: Ah. Excellent. Let me make note of that IN CASE I
EVER NEED TO PASS A CIVICS TEST IN JAPAN! *pant*
*pant* *pant*
Mike: There there, honey.

> (the only exception is Okinawa Prefecture, which
>only elects one member at-large).

Crow: [sarcastic] Oooh, Okinawa is just *so-o-o-o-o* special!

> A voter can only choose one
>candidate in the election, however.


Tom: Well, sure. Vote for everybody and you'd just get
a tie.

> This rather convoluted
>system was seen as a compromise between the Anglo-American
>plurality system (where whoever has the largest amount of votes--
>not necessarily a majority--wins)


Crow: Man! We are so lucky this stuff was posted for public
consumption. He could easily have turned it into a
lucrative subscription site!
Tom: Hot Wet History Action! Prominent underage grad
students divulge their secret Nippo-political fantasies
just for YOU!

> and the European proportional
>representation system (where the parties are assigned seats in
>relation to how many votes they got in total).

Tom: I suppose now's not the time to bring up the whole
"Gallatinist Representation" thing, is it?
Mike: Y'know, there *are* SF authors *besides* L. Neil Smith.
You two should look into it.

> As in most
>parliamentary systems, the party that gains a simple majority of
>seats in the House of Representatives (or 251) gets to form the
>government,

Tom: While the runners-up compete in the consolation
tournament.

> with the party leader becoming Prime Minister.
>Members of the House of Representatives serve for four years,
>unless (which, like many parliamentary democracies) elections are
>called for sooner than that by the government.
>

Mike: If Japan had a dictator, we'd be home now.

> As in most parliamentary systems (and unlike our Congress, where
>both houses are roughly equal in power),

Mike: The Senate got a kick out of that sentence, I'm sure.
Tom: [agitated] What the hell *is* this, a citizenship test?!
GET ON WITH IT!

> the House of
>Representatives has the most power; it originates revenue bills,

Crow: All in favor of taxing fanfic authors by the word?
All: AYE!

>including the budget,

Mike: It can force eminent scientists to kowtow to young
children in weird shorts.
Crow: It can bend spoons with its mind.
Tom: It can offer a delicious breakfast buffet for only $4.99.

> and can override a rejection of a bill by
>the upper house by two-thirds vote (which is roughly analogous to
>overriding a Presidential veto by Congress but different from the
>House of Lords delaying bills for a year).

Crow: And different still from how a cow uses its four
stomachs.

> Further, the
>concurrence of the upper chamber is not needed for treaties,

Tom: Curiously, the concurrence of Marilyn Chambers *is*
required.
Mike: Japan goes "Behind the Green Pagoda" - tonight on
Cinemax!

> and
>budgetary bills become law after thirty days whether or not the
>upper house has voted on it (much like the House of Lords cannot
>defeat a Money Bill passed by the House of Commons).
>

Crow: This is gonna be awful hard to condense into one of
those snappy "Schoolhouse Rock" songs, y'know.

>The typical year for the Diet starts with

Tom: - a New Year's resolution.
Mike: And is over by February.

> the State Opening in
>December, where all the members gather in the House of
>Councilors' chamber to hear the Emperor's Speech which, like the
>Queen's Speech in Parliament, outlines the Government's agenda
>for the year.

Mike: Unlike Slick, though, his speeches don't run two hours.

> Work on the budget is usually completed by April,
>though sessions are held in summer and fall in order to
>appropriate additional moneys as necessary.

Tom: And sometimes emergency sessions are held to approve
funding for sports stadiums.
Crow: By then, they're emptying cookie jars and checking
under the couch cushions.

> Both houses elect
>their own Speakers;

Mike: *Bose* speakers.
Tom: [Paul Harvey] And now, page two.

> the Speakers, though still tied to their
>parties as in the American system,

Tom: Sa-a-a-a-a-ay...

> must practice strict
>neutrality as is the case for the Speaker of the British House of
>Commons.

Tom: [announcer] Japan: Like England, only England-ier!

> History was made in 1992 when Doi Takako, a Socialist,
>was elected Speaker of the House of Representatives, the first
>woman to hold the post;

Crow: Darn commies!
Mike: She's not communist, she's socialist.
Crow: Pfah! Mere details!

> Ms Doi already made history by becoming
>the first woman to head a political party in Japan. As is the
>case for Congress and Parliament, both houses have committees;

Tom: Which is where most of your really big graft takes place.

>among the most important are the Audit Committee and the Budget
>Committee;

Mike: As well as the Anime Committee, the Radioactive Monster
Committee . . .

> it is in the Budget Committee that questions are asked
>of the Government and is somewhat similar to the "Question Time"
>of the House of Commons which many have seen here in the U.S. on
>C-SPAN on Sunday nights.
>

Mike: Still, C-SPAN gets higher ratings than the Seahawks/
Cardinals game.

>e. The Supreme Court
>

Crow: Judge Diana Ross, presiding.

>One American innovation made to Japan's otherwise pure
>parliamentary system was the creation of a Supreme Court with the
>power of judicial review as in the American model.

Tom: And thanks to the JCLU, the wheels of justice soon grind
to a screeching halt.

> In most
>parliamentary systems, once a law is passed, the courts (not even
>the House of Lords, the highest court of appeal in Great Britain)
>cannot rule on its constitutionality,

Tom: Kind of a bad deal, ain't it?
Mike: Yeah, well, on the other hand, they don't have all
those lawyers running around loose, either.

> though in Britain,
>statutory instruments

Tom: From CONN!

> (the equivalent of Federal regulations) can
>be scrutinized to see if they fall within the scope of powers
>granted in the parent law.

Mike: If not, they're sent to their room without supper.
Crow: Parent law also covers bed time, chore distribution and
annual allowance budgeting.

> This is not the case in Japan, where
>the Supreme Court can rule on constitutionality. However, most
>of the time, the court sides with the decisions made by the Diet
>majority.

Mike: As seen in the landmark 1991 "Hashimoto vs. Susan
Powter" case.

> However, the court has been a zealous defender of
>citizen's rights and was active in many pollution cases in the
>1970's.

Crow: [newsman] A million barrels of crude legal briefs were
dumped into the Bay of Tokyo this morning...

> The Prime Minister appoints the members of the Supreme
>Court; the Chief Judge is named by the Emperor.

Tom: This time the Emperor named him Gimpus Botchulism.

> At the next
>election of the Diet after his/her appointment, the newly
>appointed judge stands for election, and then faces election
>every ten years afterward. However, most elections for the
>Supreme Court are uncontested and non-controversial.

Crow: At least the ones not involving hairs found on Coke
cans.

> The Supreme
>Court appoints judges for the lower courts and trains prospective
>lawyers..

Mike: They're *intentionally* breeding them?!

> Below the Supreme Court are regional courts,
>prefectural courts and municipal courts.
>

Crow: The municipal courts are your basic sewer system of
justice.
Mike: I've heard alligators live in the municipal courts.
Tom: No, that's an urban myth, Mike. They get eaten by the
CHUDs.

>f. Law Enforcement and Justice
>
>The chief organ of law enforcement in Japan is the famed National
>Police,

Crow: The chief organ of the United States? Well, let's consult
tapes of the impeachment trial...
Mike: You promised.
Crow: No, I didn't - I just gave in to your constant bullying.

> equivalent to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police

Tom: [Dudley Do-Right] Nell!

> or the
>French gendarmes.

Crow: [Herbert Lom] Clouseau!!

> The logo--a sunburst shaped to look like a
>chrysanthemum--

Tom: [shopping channel] Each photon has been hand-worked
with the care of a craftsman...

> is a familiar sight all throughout Japan and can
>even been seen in anime regularly;

Crow: Usually being blasted apart by gun-toting teddy bears.
Tom: With voice talent by Christine Cavanaugh!

> it can be best seen in the TV,
>movie and OAV anime series "Patlabor".

Mike: Under the control of the National Patlabor Relations
Board.

> What makes the National
>Police so unique is that instead of precinct house or stations,

Tom: They run their operations out of circus tents and
church basements!

>there is a "kobun" or "police-box" in every major intersection in
>major cities and large house-like facilities in the countryside.

Crow: The wheezing and groaning sounds these police boxes
make was another British inspiration.
Mike: Japan! Home of the Port-a-bobby!

>The National Police have a hard-won reputation for honesty,
>efficiency and integrity.

Crow: [cop] Buy me a J&B or I'll jab this tazer in your neck!

> That is not to say that there are
>misgivings. They date back to the Tokugawa era, when "doshin",
>the lowest level of samurai, served as law enforcement officers
>in the urban areas.

Crow: "Doshin"?
Tom: It sounds like something you do on a snowboard!
Mike: [dude] Whoa, we turned that half-pike into some
serious doshin, dude.

> These doshin carried a weapon called a
>"jitte", a steel rod with a hook,

Crow: o/~ Trust the Gorton's samurai! o/~

> that was used to disarm drunken
>or disorderly samurai (that weapon figures prominently in the
>anime series "Cyber City Oedo 808").

Tom: The doshin got their start hauling off the bad acts on
Amateur Night.
Mike: What with the hook on the pole and all.
Tom: Right.

> The reputation of the
>police was not helped much by the militarist rule of the 1930's,
>though it was also much neighborly snooping as well as the police
>that led to the suppression of opposition.

Crow: Chief of Police Gladys Kravitz!

> However, by and
>large, the National Police are highly respected.
>

Crow: Or they were until Daryl Gates took over as Police
chief.
Tom: And it doesn't help that every time they hit a
roadblock, the Commissioner goes and turns on the
Batsignal.

>How the police do their job is also unique.
Mike: It involves clog dancing and fairy dust.

> Every six months,
>the local unit pays a visit to their service area's residents,

Tom: Remarking what a shame it would be if something
happened to them, then selling PBA raffle tickets.

>asking questions on the welfare of the family, what possessions
>they recently got, and the like.

Tom: He makes it sound so *nice!*
Crow: Then they come back later that night and steal it all.
Mike: No they don't!
Crow: No?
Mike: Of course not.
Crow: Well where's the fun in that?

> Although this may be viewed in
>the U.S. as an unwarranted invasion of privacy, in Japan it is
>viewed as a minor inconvenience to suffer for protection.

Tom: And almost no one minds letting the police borrow
their cars for a few weeks at a time, either.

> In
>fact, outside of totalitarian nations, no one is safer in the
>world than in Japan.

Mike: 'Cept for Antarctica, probably.
Tom: Oooh, maybe in the 50's, Mike, but not anymore.
Antarctica's changed.
Crow: Now it's a haven for ruffian bands of wild-eyed
penguin herring addicts, looking for cheap fun and
an excuse to kill.
Mike: Now stop! You're making that up!
Tom: Well sure. What's your point?

> The nation has very strict gun control
>laws, and murder is almost unheard of (even the manufacture and
>possession of samurai and ninja swords is restricted).

Crow: Unlike America, where swords are cheap and plentiful.
Tom: You can have Excalibur when you pry it from my cold
dead hand!
Mike: When Ninja Swords are outlawed, only outlaws will have
Ninja Swords!

> A woman
>can go down the street at night and schoolchildren can go to and
>from class without fearing that someone will molest them.
>

Tom: In Japan, citizens are molested in the privacy of
their own home!

>The Japanese are pretty much a law-abiding people;

Crow: Except for notorious gangsters "Pretty Boy" Toshido
and "Scarface" Matsumuro.
Mike: So all this frenzied police activity is not only
creepy, but a total waste of time.

> even
>schoolchildren who find a one yen coin on the street (which is
>worth about one cent)

Tom: Wow, that was a lot of money back then!

> will more often than not turn it in to the
>police (they get a notepad in exchange).

Mike: What a scam! Soon the short-pants children will rule
the paper market!

> Of course, that is not
>always the case. Much has been made of the yakuza, or gangs.

Tom: Marauding huns who find pennies on the street, and
keep them!

>However, they operate on different principles than the Italian or
>Russian Mafias and are much like the so-called "Triad Gangs" of
>Hong Kong.

Crow: They run around starting massive gun battles with
lone wolf police officers?

> Yakuza stress the so-called "bushido" or code of
>honor of the old samurai.

Mike: The code involves wearing a dumpy hat and driving
really slow in the passing lane.

> Also, unlike their counterparts in the
>West, they're not afraid to be open about their connections.

Crow: They're in touch with their inner thug.

>They often own buildings, put out publications and even hand out
>"meisei", or calling cards with the gang's name on them.

Mike: Wow! Japan's an untouched gold mine for those
"Stupidest Criminals" segments on Paul Harvey!

> If a
>yakuza member messes up, don't expect to find him in the bottom
>of Tokyo Bay with concrete overshoes;

Crow: Instead they'll be wearing a lead kimono.

> usually they will kill
>themselves instead since they let their gang down.

Tom: The queasy ones'll just write their name on a slip of
paper and tear it up.

> The usual
>trend in Western organized criminal cartels has been to downplay
>such connections (exceptions being seen in Al Capone and John
>Gotti) and to enforce discipline by "rubbing out" disloyal
>members.
>

Mike: They tried "rubbing down" the stoolies, but that just
caused more problems than it solved.
Tom: My! I'm certainly disturbed by these penetrating
insights into the inner workings of the mob!
Crow: Pete got an interview with a Soprano!
Tom: Wow!
Crow: Yeah, he works with the community choir on Sundays.

>Besides the National Police, there are local police departments
>as well; the most famous is the Tokyo Metropolitan Police
>Department (TMPD).

Mike: Which is famous for *not* having Dennis Franz's hairy
butt sticking out for all to see.
Tom: Good call, Tokyo!

> However, the chiefs of all local police
>forces are answerable to the Chief of the National Police.

[All sigh]
Crow: All the thrilling details of police work! Without
any of that distracting *action!*

> The
>National Police also have a special unit called the Mobile Unit,

Crow: If Japanese Crime strikes South Alabama, they're ready!

>which specializes in riot control (which it has been called on to
>do many times in postwar Japan);

Mike: To hose down the generally "law-abiding people".

> the image of the Mobile Unit
>officer in riot gear, nightstick and body length shield is known
>throughout the world.
>

Tom: And generally causes gales of uncontrollable laughter.
Crow: Hey, it's the silver guys from "Escape 2000"!
Mike: [bullhorn] We advise you to leave the Bronx!

>As far as prosecution is concerned, Japanese law enforcement has
>been pretty good in getting criminals to confess. Though
>excessive force is rarely used,

Tom: It's still a laugh riot that regularly wins its time
slot on Thursday nights!

> sometimes it is needed, though
>that has further lent to the reputation of cautious suspicion of
>the police.

Crow: As evidenced by their "chatty busybody" program seen
earlier.
Tom: Doesn't that mean the *police* are cautiously
suspicious?
Mike: Well, maybe they like, nervously edge up to the
suspect, quickly slug him with the billy club then
run behind a door.

> As far as the judicial process is concerned, Japan
>has been surprisingly known more for its leniency than for any
>severity.

Tom: [weepy] The beatings are just cuz' they care so damn
much!

> How a defendant acts while at trial weighs as much if
>not more than his actions prior to trial.

Crow: The Menendez Brothers would have a field day at that trial.

> Signs of remorse could
>help reduce a sentence.

Mike: So the story's long sentences mean Peter is remorseless.
Crow: There's a Muppet News Flash.

> Case in point: the sentence handed to
>the American servicemen in 1995 for raping a schoolgirl in
>Okinawa (ten years hard labor) might seen severe in our eyes,

Mike: Only to people with *really* bad eyes!

> but
>to the Japanese it was appropriate since the suspects showed no
>remorse for their actions. Prosecutors (equivalent to our DA's)
>often have a 99% conviction rate.

Crow: So acting innocent, even if you are innocent, is a
bad move?
Tom: Almost makes the proceedings on "Ally McBeal" seem sane.

> Further, until the Tokugawa
>era, there was no capital punishment.

Crow: 'Course not - the capital moved around too much to
punish it!

> It was first instituted
>during that era in the form of crucifixion, which the leadership
>found out about from the Jesuit priests who had visited in the
>16th Century.

Tom: So God gave his only son as an instructional video on
how to do an execution?
Mike: No, Tom. That's not what happened.
Tom: Well that's what it sounds like.

> Today, the method of execution is hanging.

Tom: Tomorrow, it will involve eating Twinkies until you
explode.

>Japan's system of law is based more on the code system of Europe
>than on the Anglo-American common law, though some common law
>concepts have taken hold in postwar Japan.
>

Tom: Such as if you rear-end the car in front of you,
it's automatically your fault.
Crow: Unless you happen to be Zigra or Mothra or something.

>g. Local Government
>

Crow: Ack! How much more of this is there?
Tom: Oh, what I wouldn't give for a breather right about
now.
Mike: Wait a sec! I just remembered an emergency system
that we could use!
Crow: An emergency system? Where'd we get that?
Mike: I mailed in a bunch of Wheaties boxtops. Look,
just grab this wire. And...
[A loud *pop* can be heard in the theater.]
Mike: And now, we can just kick back and watch the fun.
Tom: Cool!

>Local government in Japan is pretty clear-cut. The highest form
>of local government are the 47 prefectures.

[A popping sound is heard, and a word balloon appears on the
screen, filled with text.]

[pop] The number 47 is often used as a running inside joke in
Star Trek.
[pop] So is William Shatner.

> In theory, there are
>four types of prefectures: 1) Most--43--are called "ken",

[pop] "Ken" was the name of everybody in the "Fugitive Alien"
films.
[pop] One Ken tried to kill another Ken with a forklift.
[pop] Ole'!

> or
>regular prefectures;

[pop] Other Famous Kens:

> many of them are named after an important
>city

[pop] Kenny G.

> (such as Nagano-ken,

[pop] Kenneth Starr

> Nagasaki-ken

[pop] Kenneth Branagh

> or Saga-ken);


[pop] In Scotland, "to ken" means to know something. Do ye
ken Saga?

> 2)
>Hokkaido, the northernmost prefecture (and the most rural) is a
>"do",

[pop] Not a deer - a female deer.

> or circuit prefecture; 3) Osaka and Kyoto are "fu",

[pop] Not a feer - a female feer.

> or
>municipal prefectures; and 4) Tokyo is a "to",

[pop] Bo Derek is considered to be a "10".
[pop] Dudley Moore isn't.

> or metropolitan
>prefecture (that last status is roughly equivalent to Washington

[pop] Freddy "Boom-Boom" Washington was one of the original
Sweathogs.
[pop] So was Arnold Dilfinger Horshack.
[pop] Vinnie Barbarino.
[pop] Juan Luis Pedro Phillipo de Huevos Epstein.
Crow: Er, Mike?
[pop] Beau De Labarre.
[pop] In fact, Welcome Back Kotter was one of the seminal
sitcoms of the 1970s. It presented an amusing
amalgam of Elvis and "Leave it to Beaver".
Tom: Mike, I think something's wrong.
[pop] One of the most redeeming features of the show is
it is a television equivalent of a book of baby
pictures, which will pop up occasionally to
embarrass the performers on the show...
Mike: Blast. I think you're right. Help me shut it off.
[pop] Can not we all remember Dave Kotter's brilliant
jokes about his relatives?
Crow: Shut it off, Mike!
[pop] Or the never ending stream of notes from Epstein's
mom?
Tom: Mike, really! This is getting worse than the
appendix!
[pop] And what about the time that the Sweathogs and Mr.
Kotter were trapped in a time release bank vault
for the weekend? Boy, wasn't that funny? And
then there was the time...
[Mike reaches below his seat and pulls a wire, breaking
it in two with a loud "snap". The bubbles stop popping
but remain hanging in the air. Mike begins to swat at
them.]
Mike: I guess we'll have to do this the old fashioned way.
Crow: More more into the breach, I guess.


>being in the District of Columbia or Mexico City being in the
>Federal District or Canberra being in Australian Capitol
>Territory).

Crow: Australian Capitol Territory being a brewery, I'd wager.

> All prefectures, however, have the same government
>structure:

All: Stupid!

> they have an elected governor and a unicameral (one-
>house) prefectural assembly.
>

Mike: Uh-huh. So how does all this explain how a supersonic
death jet was shot down by some teenage girls in a
rickety plane that was World War Two surplus?
Tom: Well, you know. Prefects and stuff.

>Below the prefectures are municipalities. There are three types,
>depending on population:

Crow: Original, Barbecue and new Zesty Ranch!

> 1) villages have fewer than 30,000
>residents; 2) towns have between 30,000 and 50,000 residents;
>and 3) cities have more than 50,000 residents.

Crow: It takes a village to raise a child.
Tom: It takes a town to raise a teenager.
Mike: It takes a city to raise my Uncle Dave - he's a
heavy sleeper.

> All three forms
>of municipalities have an elected mayor and council; councilmen
>are elected at-large from all villages, towns and small cities,
>while in larger cities they are elected by "ku"

All: [waving] Hi, ku!

> or wards like
>American city councilmen often are (it is of note that although
>Tokyo itself is divided into wards, it has no city government;

Tom: [British] Anarchy in the UK East, man!

> it
>is instead governed by its prefectural governor and prefectural
>assembly; thus Gov. Nagai in my story governs Tokyo and the rest
>of the municipalities of Tokyo-to directly).
>

Mike: [Nagai] I'm the god! *I'M THE GOD!!!*

>h. Defense
>

All: DE-fense! DE-fense! DE-fense!

>Since 1954, Japan has relied on its Self-Defense Force for
>protection.

Mike: The same year that Godzilla first appeared. Coincidence?
We think not.

> These replaced the old Imperial Army, Imperial Army
>Air Force and Imperial Navy of World War II.

Crow: The Imperial Margarine, however, still exists today.

> First
>controversial, the SDF has been accepted by the Japanese as
>necessary to protect their peaceful society

Tom: The military! Making peace through war since 641 B.C.!

> (after all,
>Switzerland, which is neutral as well as peaceful, depends on its
>armed forces to keep it that way).

Mike: Yeah, the mighty Swiss Army, feared throughout Europe.
The other nations run in fear from the Swiss' Toblerone.
Tom: [softly] Just ask the Tick.

> Interestingly, many of the
>companies that made armaments for Japan during World War II are
>still making them for the SDF;

Crow: Their $60 hammers have a microchip that sings "Happy
Birthday" when you swing it.

> Mitsubishi, which made the
>infamous A6M fighter (known here as the Zero)

Mike: I thought it was the Neo Zero.
Tom: That was NeoThen; this is Neonow.

> made the F-4EJ
>Phantom, based on the McDonnell-Douglas F-4 Phantom II.

All: [frightened] Letters and numbers and planes, oh my!
Letters and numbers and planes, oh...

> The SDF
>is divided into Ground, Air and Sea Divisions.

Mike: The ground division makes coffee...
Tom: The sea division combs the beach for shells...
Crow: And the air division watches Michael Jordan!

> Interestingly,

Tom: Sez you!

>Japan is now the third highest spender for defense in terms of
>GDP (gross domestic product) in the world.

Tom: In terms of GDP? Well what good is that?
Crow: Yeah, Zambia would head the list every time they
bought aluminum bats for the softball team!

> However, much of
>Japan's defense is still reliant on American troops, as per a
>1951 Security Agreement that has been renewed in 1960 and 1970.

Mike: Yeah, NBC uses them as launching points for baby-boomer
oriented historical mini-series.

>The bases, mainly in Okinawa-ken, have been a source of
>controversy, however, as the unfortunate case of the raping of a
>schoolgirl in 1995 brought out. One further curiosity:

Crow: Flourless chocolate cakes!

> the
>version of the national flag that was used by the militarist
>regime--an off-centered red "Rising Sun" with red rays on a white
>field--survives today as the ensign of the Sea Self-Defense
>Force.
>

Tom: The sea knows karate? Why would anyone try to rob
it?
Mike: Tom, you're being too literal.
Tom: Uh-huh. And?

>i. Political Parties
>

Mike: The best ones are the ones thrown by Ted Kennedy.
Or Gary Hart.
Tom: And that Strom Thurmond, boy, he's a real
wild man!

>Japan has several political parties.

Tom: And you're not invited to any of them!
Crow: Heh. Just like the authors in high...

[Once again, the sound of *SPROING* can be heard as Crow is
pitched into the air. Moments later, *SPLAT* can be heard as
Crow collides with the wall.]

Mike: You'd think he'd learn from past experience.
Tom: You know what they say: "Those who forget the past
are Crow."

> The best known is the
>right-of-center Liberal Democratic Party, which--except for a
>couple of breaks--has governed since 1955.

Tom: When it took over from the "Please Please Please
Honorable General MacArthur-san Do Not Make Us
Dance For Your Amusement" party.

[Crow crawls back into his seat.]

Crow: [mumbling] I outta be getting frequent flier miles
for that...

> Others include the
>Socialist, Democratic Socialist,

Mike: Socialist Democrat...
Tom: Liberal Socialist... Socialist Lesbian Green-Party
Unionist...
Crow: Aw, hell, just send us your money, folks. We'll
explain who's in power later.

> Communist,

Tom: So basically, the Trilateral Commission runs Japan.
Mike: Seems that way.

> and the Komeito, or
>Clean Government, which gets its backing from the Soka Gakki sect
>of Buddhism.

Mike: And don't forget the Silly Party, the Slightly Silly
Party, and the Norwegian Party.

> To put the parties in the traditional left-to-right
>political spectrum, they would run thus: Communist, Socialist,
>Democratic Socialist, Liberal Democratic, and Komieto. More
>recently, a group of break-away LDP members have formed the
>Democratic Party,

Tom: Almost immediately, Al Gore showed up, campaigning.

> which posed a serious challenge in the recent
>elections for the House of Councillors.
>

Crow: [sighing] My apathy has become so palpable I'm gonna
adopt it as a pet.
Mike: [chuckling] Really? What's your apathy's name?
Crow: [after a pause] Carlos.

>One surprising thing about the LDP is that it is composed of
>various factions,

Mike: And once again, Pete cuts right to the heart of the
matter.

> usually built around a leader or around a stand
>on various areas of controversy.

Tom: So, it's made of "parts", is what you're saying.

> However, despite that, the LDP
>as a whole functions rather well, and is a cross between the
>weak, decentralized party system of the United States and the
>strong, centralized, disciplined parties of Great Britain and
>Europe.

Tom: Apparently, *nothing* exists in Japan that wasn't
created and brought over from the US and/or Europe.
Mike: The Samurai? The French came up with them.

> The other parties, however, are more centralized and
>disciplined (especially the Communists and Komieto).
>

Mike: So the choice is between the buttoned-down anal
retentive LDP... and their buttoned-downed anal
retentive opponents.
Tom: [Pink Floyd] o/~ Welcome my son! Welcome... to Japan! o/~

>Recently, the LDP has suffered some major setbacks.

Crow: One of their leaders was caught having *fun*!
Mike: Resigned in disgrace, the poor bastard.

> In the most
>recent elections for the House of Councillors in 1995 and 1998,
>it lost control of that house.

Tom: They let their mother-in-law move in!

> Some experts (though they've been
>long been saying this for years) are saying that it is only a
>matter of time before the LDP loses its majority in the House of
>Representatives as well.

Crow: Are these the same experts who say Andy Kaufman was
a genius? If so, I've a got a bone or two to pick
with them.

> Some, of course, dismiss that notion,
>but then again, no one thought the Democrats were going to lose
>control of Congress in 1994, either.

Mike: I hope you enjoyed this vague disagreement about
political strategy!
Crow: For a transcript, sit at your typewriter and type
"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" a hundred
billion times.
Tom: Let's get out of here.
[Tom and the rest exit the theater.]



[The Bridge]

[As the doors open as the bridge, tinny, Civil-War era music
can be heard. A still image of Mike writing a letter appears,
lit in septia tones. As Cambot slowly pans across the image,
Mike's voice can be heard in a voice over.]

Mike: [V.O.] Dearest Mother, our ordeal continues unabated.
We are now entering the fiftieth hour of the story
with no end in sight. Oh, how my heart yearns to
be back in the sunlit pastures of my native
Wisconsin, but I fear that my nefarious captors
will ne'er release me from my imprisonment. My
thoughts are with you constantly.

Your dearest son,
Michael

[The image of Mike is replaced by a shot of Tom, also
writing a letter. The music shifts into a version of
"Dixie."]

Tom: [V.O.] Mister President, I must sincerely protest
recent actions taken in our fair nation. Quite
recently, I was at my local eatery partaking
of my normal midday meal, when I was aghast to
discover that my buffoon of a waiter had served
me a serving of chicken and noodles instead of
the chicken and stars soup that I clearly ordered.
After I brought this matter to the waiter's
attention, he attempted to explain his mistake
by claiming that the eatery did not serve that
particular concoction. Mr. President, I must
implore that you defend the honor of this nation
and level this pale imitation of a restaurant.

Your humble servant,
Thomas Servo, Esquire

[The image of Tom disappears as a similar shot of Crow
is shown. "Dixie" is replaced by what sounds like
"Mmm-Bop" performed by a banjo.]

Crow: [V.O.] Dearest Brittany, I'm truly sorry for my
recent actions towards you. I didn't mean to
trouble you in any way shape or form. You know
me. Every once in a while, I just go off the
deep end on something. But our relationship
was never like that. Ours was a deep, pure,
spiritual kind of love that poets write sonnets
about but never fully understand. OH BRITTANY!
COME BACK TO ME! I CAN CHANGE! I SWEAR! JUST
RETURN TO ME, OH SWEET!! I...

[Crow's voice over ends abruptly as the sounds of
a scuffle can be heard off screen. Crow's picture
is quickly replaced by another shot of Mike. The
music shifts back to "Old Man River."]

Mike: [V.O.] Dearest mother, once again, one of our
sketches has gone horribly awry. It seems that
my robotic companions have completely missed the
point of the interlude and have instead gone
on tangents, as they are wont to do. I warned...

[An image of Gypsy replaces that of Mike. The music
shifts to "popcorn" in all of its early 80s glory.]

Gypsy: [V.O.] Dear Ted Jones, President of the Society For
Neuroscience, Chief Editor, Journal of Neuroscience:

Hey! Doofus! When will you and your cronies get
off of the antiquated notion of quantal synaptic
release? I suppose it's too much for your "journal"
to look past it nose and take a gander at Schlatingly's
work on the qualia of consciousness, would it? But, no
you and your ignorant pufferfish that you laughingly
call a staff continue to devote your time only to
the McCullogh-Pitts integrate-and-fire model. Will
you please take the kids back to their elementary
school and let the real scientists do their work?


[Gyp's picture is replaced with another shot of Tom.
"Freebird", on banjo, accompanies him.]

Tom: [V.O.] Mr. President, once again I must bring
a matter to your attention. Earlier this evening,
I entered a convenience store local to me. Upon
entering, I purchased a twenty ounce bottle of
Mr. Pibb as well as a bag of Funions. The total
of my purchase came to $2.16 and I handed the
attendant $3.00. Yet I received only 74 cents
in change! I demand restitution and I will not
rest until the entire city of Lexington is
razed and the earth salted so that no store
shall ever again be raised there!

Your humble servant,
Thomas Servo, Esquire

[Gypsy again.]

Gypsy: [V.O.] ...and furthermore, deClasier gives a clear
account of the facade of quantal synaptic release
as the result of misanalysis of data which actually
points towards a molecular link between the mind and
the brain ! But I suspect you and those under-educated
frat boys on your staff were too busy ogling the
contestants over at the Ms. Neuroscience contest to
actually read deClasier's study! When will you ever
quit your ridiculous materialism and adopt a realistic
dualistic stance that might allow you to drop your
blinders on quantal synaptic release? Pinheads.

[Back to Crow. A banjo version of "Nookie" plays.]

Crow: [V.O., weeping] BRITTANY! COME BACK TO ME! BRIT...
Hey. I wonder what Debbie's doing these days?
Hmm. Maybe I better give her a call...
Mike: [V.O.] ALLRIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH!

[The image of Crow vanishes and the view of the
Bridge is once again live. Mike stands before
Crow and Tom, gesticulating wildly.]

Mike: What is it with you two? I try to do a nice,
simple Ken Burton pastiche and you two just
go off onto your own little fantasy worlds!
Crow: Come on, Mike!
Tom: Yeah, Gypsy ignored your little sketch too
and you're not yelling at her!
Mike: That's because I have no idea what Gypsy was
saying! I mean, she might have been on topic!

[The misery sign begins to flash wildly.]
Mike: Oh, we'll finish this later. Right now, WE'VE
GOT MISERY SIGN!!!

[Mike hits the light and the door sequence begins.]

[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]

[The trio enters and sits.]

Crow: So, what are we going to do with that grant PBS
sent us to fund that last segment?
Mike: I huess we'll have to send it back to the Chubb group.

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>3. Religious Practices
>

Tom: Pope Dylan McDermott and Sister Mary Camryn Mannheim
star in David Kelly's, "The Religious Practice".

>Japan today has three religions of note:

Crow: Original, Teriyaki, and new Honey Mustard!

> 1) Shinto, the
>indigenous religion;

Mike: They have the all-important "home god" advantage.

> 2) Buddhism, which was imported from China

Mike: Get your Buddhism, straight from China, in mint condition!

>and Korea;

Tom: [weakly] Where religion is good for the *Seoul*!
Heh! Which sounds like *soul*! Which...
Mike: [touching Tom] OK. Tommy, I know it's been a long
day, but this has gotta stop.
Crow: [threatening] Right now!
Tom: [weepy] I'm sorry, guys. I never wanted to be this
way.
Mike: It's OK. It's just the story, Tom.
Crow: Yeah. Plus you were probably made wrong and can never
be fixed.
Mike: Crow!
Crow: What?

> and 3) a small but considerable Christian minority.
>

Crow: Guess who runs the school boards, kids!

>a. Shinto
>

Mike: What are two parts of the body beneath the knee?
Tom: Correct!
Mike: "Things More Interesting Than This Appendix" for $300.

>Shinto is the Chinese word for what the Japanese call "Kami no
>Michi";

Crow: A religion based on the belief that Don Ameche doesn't
exist!

> both terms mean "the way of the gods".

Tom: Alternate translation: "This must be Thursday. I never
could get the hang of Thursdays."

> Shinto is the
>oldest of the three religions in Japan and the only one that
>developed in Japan itself.
>

Mike: Explanation? The other gods are LAZY and INDOLENT!
All: [Japanese] SHA-A-AME!

>In describing Shinto, there are several areas that have to be
>looked at:

[All grumble and sigh.]
Mike: I wonder if there's a religion with a deity in charge
of writing long, repetitive lists?
Crow: If there is, I know who the high priest is.

> 1) its pantheon, or group of gods; 2) the role of
>the priests; 3) places of worship; 4) moral code and sacred
>texts; 5) development; and 6) Shinto today.
>

Mike: With Matt Lauer, and Katie Couric!

>At eight million "kami" (gods) and "megami" (goddesses), Shinto
>has the most complex pantheon of any major world religion.

Tom: Yeah? Try figuring why both Hercules *and* Thor are in
the Avengers!
Crow: Or why Captain Marvel has powers from two pantheons
*and* a Biblical king!
Mike: Guys, comic books are not a reli- on second thought,
never mind.

> The
>best known to Americans is Amaterasu-Omikami, the Great Heaven
>Shining Deity who serves as the Sun Goddess.

Mike: And moonlights as a bounty hunter!

> However, she does
>not hold the place of being the head of the Shinto pantheon as
>Zeus did to the Greeks or Odin to the Vikings,

Crow: Or McGwire to the Cardinals.

> despite the fact
>that she figures prominently due to Jimmu Tenno--the legendary
>first Emperor of Japan--claiming her as an ancestor.

Tom: Actually it turned out he wasn't related to *the*
Amaterasu-Omikami - just *an* Amaterasu-Omikami.

> In fact,
>when one looks at Shinto, it's hard to tell what god or what
>priest or whoever at all is in charge.

Mike: It's a metaphysical version of the United Nations!

> If ever there was a
>religion so decentralized, Shinto is it.
>

Mike: Hey, how's Carlos doin' there, Crow?
Crow: Oh, growing by the hour, Mike. I think we need to
move to a bigger theater.
Mike: Well, you know that's not my call, Crow.
Crow: Yeah, sure, but I hate seein' the poor thing cooped
up like this.

>Much of that decentralization and complexity was due to the
>attempts by Buddhist monks and Shinto priests alike to equate
>their gods with the other religion's pantheon,

Tom: [stern proctor] MISTER Lama?! I certainly I hope
that's not your neighbor's mythos you're copying?

> not unlike what
>the Romans did when they appropriated the Greek pantheon for
>themselves (i.e. Zeus becomes Jupiter, Hera becomes Juno, etc.).
>

Crow: Not unlike what Hannah-Barbera did to "The Honeymooners"?

>Other gods besides Amaterasu-Omikami include her brother, Susano,

Tom: o/~ Oh, Susano, oh don't you cry for me, for I came from
Amaterasu-Omikami with a banjo on my knee! o/~

>God of the Wind and of Yomi, the World of the Dead

All: o/~ Truckin'! o/~

> (unlike
>Buddhism and Christianity, and much like the ancient Greeks,
>Shinto holds that all who die--good, bad or indifferent--go to
>Yomi; there's nothing like Heaven or Hell in Shinto);

Mike: But if you're evil, you get the room next to the
noisy ice machine for all eternity.
Tom: The afterlife as a big ol' bus station!

> Kannon,

Crow: As played by William Conrad.

> the
>Goddess of Mercy (who figures in the anime "Doomed Megalopolis"),
>Benton,

Mike: The god of Robert Guillaume?
Tom: No.
Mike: The goddess of multi-cultural clothing store ads?
Crow: Nuh-uh.
Mike: The god of boinking interns?
Bots: No!

> the Goddess of Luck and Womanly Arts (she figures
>prominently in Rumiko Takahashi's classic TV anime series "Urusei
>Yatsura") and Uzume, the Dread Queen of Heaven.

Crow: But, in fact, there have been several Dread Queens.
Wesley was one, and so was Inigo Montoya...
Tom: Yomi Yomi Yomi, I've got death in my tummy! Ha!
[Mike and Crow turn to Tom, who cringes.]
Crow: You'll have it a lot of other places if you don't quit it!
Tom: Sorry.

> There are also
>the original gods, Izamagi and Izanami, who created Japan by
>stirring up mud from the ocean floor with their spear.

Mike: What, were they digging for clams? What?
Crow: You know, there's nothing more dangerous than a bored
god.
Tom: Japan! The land where it's all right to track that
mud in from outside!

> The other
>gods and goddesses as well as the Japanese are supposed to be
>descended from them, or so the legend goes.
>

Tom: And on the first day, god created Viagra.

>It is easy to tell Shinto priests from Buddhist monks and
>priests.

Mike: The Shinto priests have the chromed Harleys, while the
Buddhists drive the sportier Yamaha stuff.

> Shinto priests usually wear a white robe and a hakama,
>which are loose-fitting trousers. Hakama can be blue, red or
>even white.

Crow: It's a very patriotic heathen religion.

> Special robes and headdresses are worn for special
>occasions.

Mike: Sounds like Shinto is a kicky, fashionable religion.
Tom: Sounds like those idiot cheeseheads in Green Bay.
Mike: Hey!

> Unlike other religions, women have very much an
>equal role in Shinto as the men.

Mike: [priest] Cleaning the toilets is just as important as
being a conduit for the voice of our ancestors, honey!

> In fact, Shinto priestesses are
>called "miko".

Tom: They construct 12" dolls of famous 1970s superheroes.

> Miko usually are called to cast out evil demons
>and interpret the will of the gods. Perhaps the best known miko
>to American fans of anime is Hino Rei (or Raye Hino), miko of
>Sendai Hill Shrine (or Cherry Hill Temple)

Tom: "Cherry Hill"? That a place of worship or a day care
center?
Mike: Possibly both.

> in Naoko Takeuchi's
>hit series "Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon".

Mike: Oh, sure, *everyone* knows her!

> Others include Sakura
>from "Urusei Yatsura", Keiko

Tom: O'Brien?

> from "Doomed Megalopolis"

Crow: Matthew from "News Radio"...

> and Ayaka
>Kisaragi of "Phantom Quest Corporation".

Crow: The Real Adventures of Phantom Quest!

> When exorcising demons,

Mike: Make sure they stretch properly to prevent injury!

>they usually throw a scroll with the Japanese phrase "Akuryo
>taisan," which means, "Begone, demon!"

Tom: The demons always get good laugh out of that, and
with the ice broken, the real exorcism can begin!

> and usually shout that
>phrase out as well (DIC really dropped the ball on that score

Tom: And boy, *that* was totally unexpected, huh?

>when they dubbed "Sailor Moon" into English; Sailor Mars winds up
>saying "I call forth the power of Mars" when she throws the
>scroll).

Mike: The views and opinions of this author do not reflect
those of Japan, Naoko Takeuchi, DIC, the Internet
community at large, or practically any one breathing.

> Miko, in other words, were for centuries the original
>"Ghostbusters,"

Tom: Yeah, sure they were, Peter.
Crow: Everything came from Japan. Georgia peaches, Canadian
bacon...

> without benefit of proton packs or snotty
>Brooklynese-sounding secretaries.
>

Tom: Granted, but can a little scroll initiate and
sustain a runaway nuclear reaction?
Mike: Sounds like someone didn't start their day with a
complete breakfast, featuring Kellogg's Sugar-
Frosted Sense of Proportion!
Crow: Methinks someone has Annie Potts issues to work
through.

>Shinto places of worship are called shrines.

Tom: The priests all wear fezzes and driving little funny
cars!

> They are
>distinguished by their "torii" or gateways that stand in front of
>them.

Crow: Oh, no, it's "Stargate SG"!
All: [panicked] RUUUUN!

> Sendai Hill Shrine in "Sailor Moon" is such a Shinto
>shrine (once again DIC muffed it up by calling it Cherry Hill
>Temple;

Tom: Plus they thought Rei worked for Pizza Hut.
Mike: They messed up by calling it by its name?! What
the - ?!
Crow: It's an anime fan, Mike. It's better when they don't
make sense.

> temples are Buddhist places of worship). Among the more
>famous are Meiji Shrine in Tokyo (dedicated to the Meiji
>Emperor); Yasukuni Shrine, also in Tokyo (which serves roughly as
>their Arlington Cemetery/Tomb of the Unknown Soldier);

Crow: Except instead of an Eternal Flame, they have a robotic
garden gnome with an incessant creepy laugh.
Mike: Because Japan *must* have an equivalent for everything
in the United States.

> the shrine
>to Amaterasu-Omikami in Ine; and Itsukushima Shrine on Miyajima
>in the Inland Sea, considered one of the "Three Famous Landscapes
>of Japan" due to the torii being right out in the sea.
>

Crow: Maybe they should start taking erosion into account
when they build these shrines.
Tom: Mike? If I said Imelda Marcos had a shoe shrine, would
I get in trouble?
Mike: [nodding] Oh yeah. So fast your head would spin.

>Shinto is unique among the world's major religions in that it has
>no moral code or sacred texts as such.

Mike: It's a laid-back, do your own thing, kind of religion.

> There is nothing in
>Shinto equivalent to the Ten Commandments or the Golden Rule;

Crow: And the fatted calf is a woodchuck with a gland problem.

> its
>only concerns are about purity of body and mind (which is why
>Japanese love bathing)

Tom: It's not because they can feel the germs eating away at
their very flesh. No, it's not that at all.

> and an abhorrence of death (Yomi, the
>World of the Dead, is thought to be a place of corruption and
>decay).

Mike: So, everyone's going to Yomi, and it stinks. Well!
I think we've gained some valuable insight into
the Nippo-psyche here, guys. I'm glad we stayed.
[The bots stare at him.]
Mike: It's sarcasm, guys.
Crow: Didn't sound like it to me, Mike.
Mike: Really? Hm.

> Thus almost all funerals in Japan are Buddhist rites,
>since Buddhism at least has some sense of Heaven and Hell.

Tom: Shinto refuses to stop and ask for directions.

> That
>is also why morality in Japan is not based on religion as much as
>it is on human relations, which was taken from Confucianism. As
>for sacred texts, the closest are the "Nihongi" and the "Kojiki",
>both written in AD 8th Century.

Mike: More recently, Shintoism has adopted "Yertle the Turtle"
as yet another sacred text.

> Both contain myths and legends
>about the Shinto pantheon and some early history of Japan;

Tom: And a kick-ass recipe for almond biscotti!

>however, since different versions of the myths circulated at the
>time, the scribes wrote all the versions down.
>

Mike: And lo, the first anal retentive list-makers were born.
Crow: Eh, it's gods' illusions I recall. I really don't know
gods at all. Not really a "god person", I guess.
Tom: Great - in order to straighten it all out, they'll have
to have a "Crisis on Infinite Shintos".

>Shinto had a gradual development over the centuries.

Tom: Shinto started as a local deejay on a small 400-watt
radio station in Fresno, California.

> As stated,
>the myths were only written down in AD 8th Century. The arrival
>of Buddhism complicated matters somewhat; for the first and
>perhaps only time in human history, a nation allowed two
>religions to coexist peacefully.

[All stare at the screen, dumbfounded.]
Mike: Well! All my guilt about American cultural
imperialism was just washed clean.
Crow: So I guess the Mayflower was headed for Japan, but
hired Wrong-Way Corrigan's great grandfather as
navigator.

> In fact, Shinto priests and
>Buddhist monks worked out ways in describing their pantheons in
>terms of the other religion's gods.

Tom: [Shintoist] I was thinking sort of like Zeus in a
baseball cap and glasses.
Crow: [Buddhist] Nah, more like Odin as played by Weird
Al Yankovic.

> Matters, however, took a
>drastic turn in the Meiji Restoration, when the genro declared
>Shinto the established religion in imitation of the European
>powers.

Mike: Where Shinto was wowing the masses! Selling out
theaters and schmoozing the press!

> This stage of "State Shinto," however, was more
>patriotic and militaristic in bent than religious,

Crow: [sergeant] This is my savior, this is my gun!
Mike & Tom: [repeat] This is my savior, this is my gun!
Crow: One is for worship, the other for fun!
Mike & Tom: One is for worship, the other for fun!

> and when the
>religion was disestablished at the insistence of American
>occupation forces, it returned to its peaceful ways. During this
>time, the divine origin of the Emperor was especially stressed,

Mike: It was a first-time parent with a colicky infant.

>though Hirohito denounced all divine claims in 1946, once again
>at the insistence of the Americans.
>

Crow: The Americans insisted that Robert Mitchum was the only
true descendant of the sun god.

>Today Shinto is still practiced,

Tom: And someday, they'll get it right!

> but it has become more
>peripheral in Japanese life, though there are still throngs of
>faithful followers and the most popular shrines still get many
>visitors.

Crow: Though the Shrine of the Backstreet Boys is a little
too commercial for me, frankly.

> Since it was disestablished as the state religion,
>Shinto has splintered into thirteen sects;

Tom: Ah, The Joy of S-!
Mike: [touching Tom] Tommy, I should advise you here that
if you say "Sects", I'll be forced to disassemble
you.
Tom: [after a pause] ...Splintering.
Mike: Thank you.

> the most important
>among them is Tenriko, based in Tenri City in Nara-ken; healing
>by faith plays a central role in that sect.

Crow: The reverend lays hands on you, then scolds you if
you don't get better.

> Many Japanese still
>observe some important days in Shinto, especially the ritual of
>taking children to the local shrine at three, five and seven
>years of age.

Mike: The temples make good money as catering halls for kids'
parties.
Crow: [clown] Whoa-ho, kids! It's Shinto the clown, and his
car full of eight million clown gods!

> People still buy good luck charms for all
>occasions:

Tom: Don't you have a couple of good luck charms, Nelson?
Mike: Yeah, for all the good they did me.
Crow: Why, what happened?
Mike: Well, the guy I got 'em from was a little confused,
so he sold me a horse's foot and a four-shoed St.
Christopher.

> to do well in school; for a safe journey;

Tom: For a Wasserman test... For a bris...

> for safe
>driving (like Miyuki did in Part 3 of "You're Under Arrest!");

Tom: And didn't we all laugh when she got tossed in the
slammer not twenty minutes later for failing to signal
a right hand turn?

>etc. Frankly, most Japanese, though registered as belonging to
>one faith or another, profess to not following any at all.

Mike: Oh, they've been reading this story, too!

> This
>is not to say that they're either agnostic or atheist; they just
>do not feel that it plays a significant role in their lives.

Crow: But isn't that what agnostic *means*?
Tom: None of this means anything, Crow. It's a text version
of white noise!

> To
>them religion is not an opiate of the people

Mike: But an opiate of the privileged few!

> or a crutch much as
>it is time-honored traditions that they dutifully carry on like
>the day's business and then pass on to their children like a
>cherished family heirloom.
>

Mike: Religion by rote.
Crow: [whiny] But I wanted grandma's Wedgwood china!

>b. Buddhism
>
>If Shinto has suffered some setbacks in the 20th Century,

Tom: They were its own damn fault!

>Buddhism has continued to flourish. Imported from China and
>Korea, the major sects of Buddhism in Japan include Zen, Shingon,
>Soka Gakki,

Mike: Sandalwood... English Garden... Rainforest Mist...

> Trantric,

[Crow and Tom begin to speak.]
Mike: Do a Sting riff and I feed you two to a llama.
[The bots shut their mouths.]
Crow: [to Tom] Feed us to a llama?
Tom: [to Crow] It sounds painful. Let's not call him on
this one.

> Pure Land, True Land and Nichiren.

Crow: And Debbie.

> In
>Buddhism--an offshoot of India's Hinduism--it was held that one
>could achieve Nirvana by overcoming human desires that enslave
>humans to the cycle of reincarnation and karma.

Mike: As it turned out, all you needed to attain Nirvana
was a MasterCard and access to a Sam Goody's.
Tom: So Nevermind.

> Of course the
>most famous aspect of Buddhism to Americans is Zen meditation,
>where Buddhist monks sit in lotus positions and chant.

Crow: And whenever someone says "transcendental", you chug
a beer.

> Buddhist
>places or worship are called temples, and there are monasteries
>as well. The most famous Buddhist festival in Japan is Bon,

Tom: Bah-dah-de-DAAAAAAAAH-de-da-daah!

>where the faithful launch miniature lighted boats into the water
>in memory of departed souls.
>

Crow: And their hearts will go on.
Mike: OK, but don't the butcher and the baker get some room
to put in their wares too?


>c. Christianity
>

Mike: Oh, we're going to get hate mail for this section,
I just know it.
Crow: Come on, Mike. We haven't said anything yet.
Tom: Yeah. Don't crucify us like that. [snicker]
Mike: Maybe I can join the Riffer Relocation Program...

>Surprisingly, about 2% of Japanese are Christians.

Crow: There used to be more, but the lions ate the other 8%.

> Christianity
>was brought over by St. Francis Xavier in 1549.

Tom: Along with body shame, a high-fat diet, and VD.

> About 500,000
>were converted before the Tokugawa shogunate stamped out the
>faith in 1638.

Mike: [Torquemada] No one suspects the Nippon Inquisition!
Our chief weapon is surprise! Surprise and ninjas-
our two weapons!

> After the Meiji Restoration, Christianity was at
>least tolerated again,

Crow: As tolerated as a leper in a salad bar without sneeze
guards.

> and the 1947 Constitution granted complete
>religious freedom

Tom: In response to a 90-foot tall Martin Luther hammering a
gigantic copy of his 95 Theses onto Tokyo Tower.

> (which is not a stretch considering that Shinto
>and Buddhism coexisted without conflict for centuries).

Crow: Although in fairness, they did run in different crowds.
Mike: Never got invited to the same parties, really. No
conflict opportunities.

> The
>Japanese Christian community is evenly split between Catholic and
>Protestant.

Crow: So they're Episcopalians then?

> As for the Catholics, it has been noted that Empress
>Michiko is herself a Catholic,

Mike: No fact will go unrepeated!
Crow: No presumption of attention span will be made!
Tom: No fact will go unrepeated!

> and one of the most beautiful
>Catholic cathedrals in Asia stands in Nagasaki (it survived the
>atomic bombing of 1945).

Crow: They built a cathedral underground?
Mike: No, it just withstood the blast, Crow.
Crow: But not the radiation.
Tom: Well, the stained glass was said to have this heavenly
glow about it afterwards.

> As for Protestants, 40% of them belong
>to the United Church of Christ in Japan;

Crow: No presumption of attention span will be made! Just
because the appendix is about Japan does NOT mean
that's where the church is!

> although this was a
>creation of the 1930's military regime, it had its roots back to
>a "No Church" movement started by Chimura Kanzo, who thought that
>sectarianism was repugnant.

Mike: [Kanzo] From now on I'll type my OWN memos!

> The second biggest group of Prote
>stants

Crow: Are we going to comment on that?
Tom: Nope.
Mike: We're in triple overtime here, Crow. We're not calling
the minor fouls anymore.

> belong to the Lutheran Church--Missouri Synod.

Crow: AKA, "The Dull Ones".

> There is a
>far-wider acceptance of Christianity in Japan today than ever
>before; Christmas has even become a "semi-official" holiday
>there, though admittedly some of the meaning is lost in the
>translation,

Mike: Unlike the purely Christian Christmas celebrated in
the US.

> and New Year's Day is the big family holiday for
>that time of the year there.

Tom: [pa] OK! Who wants to carve the Easter bunny?
Mike & Crow: [kids] Me me me!

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>4. Education
>

Crow: Mike, at the first mention of the word "shorts", kill me.
Mike: No. Forget it.
Crow: I'd kill *you*.
Mike: No! Just deal with it.

>Japan has been the envy of the world for its educational system.

Mike: But one day, America will develop its own cram school -
then look out!

>One of the reasons for Japan's sudden success (especially after
>World War II) has been that is has among the most highly educated
>people in the world.
>

Crow: At least, that's what the Freemasons would like for
us to believe...

>When the educational system was reformed after the war, it was
>molded after the American system.

Mike: So that's nine years of remedial classes, then drop
out your sophomore year.

> There are six years of
>elementary school; three of junior high; three of high school and
>four of university.

Tom: And a lifetime of ennui and regret.

> Education to the ninth grade is free and
>compulsory, though most do go to high school and a considerable
>number go to college.

Crow: Though it's more for the fraternity hazing experience
than the degree.

> The educational system is a mixture of
>public, private and parochial institutions as in the United
>States.
>

Mike: A mix of football, basketball, and real schools.

>Overseeing the entire educational system is the Education
>Ministry, which has broad powers to approve textbooks

Tom: [ministry, reviewing book] Hmm... the text's a
little light on Monster Mutation Theory.

> (the
>ministry has taken some heat in this regard as to how Japan's
>involvement in World War II is portrayed),

Tom: There we were, just minding our own business, when
*WHAM*! The Americans at Pearl Harbor viciously
defended themselves!

> appropriate money, and
>set curriculum. There are local Boards of Education, but these
>are appointed by local mayors and prefectural governors and
>usually take their cues from the national ministry.
>

Mike: [ministry] Mayor, if you want to play pool, get your
own damn cue!

>As for universities, the most famous is Tokyo University, the
>first of the "national universities".

Tom: Where you'll earn "degrees".
Mike: And earn a "good living".
Crow: You'll be so "happy", you'll want to "cry".

> Other national
>universities are Kyoto, Tohoku, Kyushu and Hokkaido.

Mike: Oh, come on. Kyushu doesn't count. It's just a big
party school.
Crow: Yeah, never trust a college with a vowel-to-consonant
ratio below 40%.

> Below these
>are the private universities, the most famous being Keio and
>Waseda,

Tom: Don't they serve that with sushi?
Mike: "Wasabi", Tom.

> and junior colleges, or as the Japanese call them "short-
>term universities".
>

Crow: Here in America we call them "the high school after
high school".

>Japanese education is rather strenuous; teaching is committed to
>memory and is by rote,

Mike: Teachers stay up all night memorizing chants for the
wildcat strike.
Tom: "Work action", Mike. Ask Mr. Shanker.

> especially in learning the Japanese
>written language. Many students go to a special "juku" or cram
>school

Bots: AUGH!
[They dive beneath their seats.]

> so they can prepare for the important examinations for
>high school and university;

Mike: [peering beneath the seats] Guys?
Crow: [poking back up] Sorry Mike. The words "cram school"
kick up a lot of bad memories.
Tom: [same] Ergh! Krankor! Neptune Men! Japan! [shudders]

> in "Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon",
>Mizuno Ami goes to a "juku" (DIC flubbed it up when it introduced
>Amy;

Mike: [sighing] Oh, Peter. Have you never heard the expression,
"Let he who is without sin cast the first..."
[A rock is suddenly thrown from stage left and hits Mike squarely
in the back of the head.]
Mike: [grabs his head] OW! JEEZ! What the-
Tom: Whoops! Sorry Mike. Our new rock-casting machine.
Mike: What?!
Crow: Yeah, see, machines have no sin, so now we can cast the
first stone guilt-free, in the comfort of our own theater
seats!
Mike: We are going to have *such* a talk later...

> she says that she goes to a special computer school, but the
>monster that attacks her school calls it a cram school).

Tom: Ami should shoulder some of the blame for not correcting
the monster in a timely fashion.

> The
>strenuous time leading to the exams is called "examination Hell"

Crow: You said before the Japanese don't *believe* in hell!
Mike: Well, in all fairness, "examination Yomi" sounds kinda
goofy.

>and rather overbearing mothers who oversee all aspects of their
>children's education are called "education mothers"

Crow: Jeez, you can't win for losing in this country!
Tom: You are a watchful and responsible parent! SHA-A-AME!

> (Usagi's
>mother in "Sailor Moon" is such a "education mother"; she often
>scolds her for her lazy study habits).
>

Mike: Heck, scolding Usagi's the only fun anyone gets in
that backwater burg!
Tom: Whole coffeehouses are dedicated to it!
Crow: It's cheap, easy, and it doesn't hurt the ozone layer!

>Perhaps the most well-known aspect of Japanese education as far
>as American fans of anime is concerned is that most students wear
>uniforms.

Tom: Let us now pay tribute to these sharp-eyed fans.
All: [giving the raspberry] PPPPPBT!

> The generic term for that is "seifuku".

Crow: They wear seifuku in the juku?
Tom: With a tutu?
Mike: Ain't it coo-coo?

> Elementary
>schoolchildren often wear sweaters with the school crest
>embalzoned on them and either knickers or knee-length pants for
>boys or knee-length skirts for girls;

Crow: [sighing] He's going to spend three paragraphs on
uniforms for every one he spends on the school system,
isn't he?
Mike: Signs point to "yes".

> also, they often wear white
>hats going to and from school (so they can be seen easier in
>traffic).

Tom: Jim Henson's Tom Mix Babies!

> In junior high school (and in some high schools), the
>boys wear what looks like a Chinese aristocrat's outfit: a navy
>blue suit with big brass buttons and a high collar.

Mike: So, Chinese aristocrats dressed like insurance salesmen?
Crow: Well, philosophy is a kind of mental insurance...

> As for the
>girls,

Tom: Welcome to the Pit of Eternal Despair. Please check
the empty husk of your soul at the door.

> the most well-known outfit is the "seirafuku" or sailor
>suit.

Crow: Which I still say has some sick "Popeye" angle we're
not getting.
Tom: Popeye the Sailor Moon?
Mike: [warningly] Tom...
Tom: Sorry. Couldn't help it.

> This is actually adapted from the uniforms worn by
>enlisted sailors in the Imperial Japanese Navy in the late 19th
>Century and early 20th Century,

Tom: And no one thinks making high school girls dress like
sailors is just the teensiest bit on the creepy side?

> and itself was based on those
>worn by sailors in the British Royal Navy, which lent technical
>assistance to Japan at that time.

Crow: And not borrowed from the Village People, as previously
suspected.
Tom: So, any insight into why Japan would make innocent
young schoolgirls dress like the violent hedonists
that comprised your 19th Century navies?
Mike: Hmmmmmm - nope.

> The seirafuku is a sailor
>blouse with the sailor collar, a scarf

Crow: [correcting] A *sailor* scarf!

> and usually a blue pleated
>skirt

Tom: [correcting] A *sailor* usually blue-pleated skirt!

> (though the actual colors will vary with the school);

Mike: [bored] Sailor colors, sailor school, blah blah blah...

>further, as in naval tradition,

Tom: Slothful students are whipped with a cat'o'nine tails.

> there is a blue outfit for winter
>and a white outfit for summer.

Crow: [brightly] Today's navy means FASHION!

> Among the more famous seirafuku-
>clad heroines in anime include

Tom: Ah, we're returning to the lists. It's like swallows
coming back to Capistrano.
Mike: Is it?
Tom: Well... ugly, boring swallows, that make you want to
stick a fork in your throat.

> A-ko Magami from "Project A-ko";

Crow: Y-not Go-lick-me from "Project Save-crow"...

>all of the Sailor Senshi from "Sailor Moon"

Tom: All ninety-eight of them?
Mike: They can supply their own school district!

> (theirs are a bit
>modified; they're sleeveless shirts, miniskirts and either go-go
>boots a/la/Nancy Sinatra or high heeled shoes);

Mike: Now see, that's *much* more practical for fighting evil
by moonlight.
Crow: Miniskirts and go-go boots? Well, anything to encourage
a professional learning atmosphere!

> All-Purpose
>Cultural Cat Girl Nuku-Nuku;

Mike: Hey, a superhero as randomly named as today's story!
Tom: o/~ I did it all for the Nuku! For the Nu-o/~
Mike: Stop.

> the Legendary Magic Knights of
>"Magic Knight Rayearth";

Mike: The Fabulous Fentoozler of "Rebok Caca-Poopoo"

> and Lum from "Urusei Yatsura".

Tom: Lum?! That's it?! Lum?
Crow: Nah, it's probably "Mystical High-Power Go Team
Lumificent".
Mike: Yeah, you're right. Typo on Pete's part. We forgive
him.

> There's
>actually been an industry built around magazines and pin-up
>photos of seirafuku-clad schoolgirls in Japan (though some of it
>goes over the line into pornography).

Crow: [badly acted] Oh, no. Say, it isn't so.
Tom: [same] I expected, so much more. From Japan.

> In high school, three-
>piece business suits are worn by both boys and girls (blazer,
>vest, collared shirt, tie, and pants or skirt).

Tom: Oddly, there's no industry of magazines and pin-up
photos of business suit-clad schoolboys.
Mike: Why are we having a three-piece suit described to
us? Is some Bantu tribesman going to hit the net
and read this story and not know what a suit is??

> Uniforms used to
>be mandated at universities, but now they're not.

Mike: So there. Nyah.
Crow: To recap: In Japan, "Education" means wearing stuff,
and anime costumes.
Tom: Lum?!

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>5. Business

Tom: Business? Hey, so can we deduct the cost of reading
this chapter?
Mike: You can't put a mental cost on your 1040. Unless it's
a medical expense. So... yeah. Probably.

>
>One of the amazing aspects of Japan was

Mike: How quickly it could rebuild Tokyo after repeated
rubber monster attacks.

> its ability to rapidly
>convert from a medieval economy to a modern capitalist economy in
>the space of about a century and a half.

Crow: It all happened in the blink of a very slowly closing
eyelid!

> Today Japan has one of
>the most modern and internationally competitive economic climates
>in the world.
>

Tom: Though scattered showers are in the forecast for
Thursday.
Mike: [discomforted, looking at his feet] Ow! Crow, your
apathy's chewing my pants leg!
Crow: Down, Carlos! Bad apathy! Sit!

>The floodgates for such change were opened during the Meiji
>Restoration.

Crow: One of the Dutch kids got stuck in the dam, but he
drowned pretty quickly.

> Some of the companies well known on both sides of
>the Pacific got their start then like Mitsubishi and Matsushita,
>though some like Mitsui and Kikkoman (the soy sauce maker)

Tom: As opposed to Kikkoman, the world-famous cowboy
philosopher?

> had
>their roots back to Tokugawa times, others like Toyota were
>founded in the early 20th Century and some like Sony were founded
>after World War II (the founders began by scrounging bombed out
>areas of Tokyo to salvage radio parts!).

Tom: That explains my VCR.
Mike: The new Shrapnel 5000! War never sounded so good!

> Some of these companies
>were actually founded by old samurai families.
>

Tom: [Don Pardo] And now for another thrilling episode of
Samurai Businessman!

>From the Meiji Restoration to the end of World War II, the
>companies that dominated were called "zaibatsu".

Mike: The Zik-Zak Corporation does not tolerate failure,
Mr. Grossberg.
Crow: Still, it sounds much better than "Lum".
Tom: Lum?

> These zaibatsu

Crow: Actually, that sounds like a Pokemon.

>usually centered around a bank and had heavy industries,
>aerospace, chemicals, and other companies built around them.

Tom: Heh-heh. Hey guys, look! [Sonny] o/~ Babe!
Zaibatsu, babe! o/~ You get it? o/~ Zaibatsu
babe! o/~
[Mike and Crow glare at him.]
Crow: I'll sic my apathy on you, pal.
Tom: Sorry.

>They were not constructed haphazardly like American
>conglomerates,

Crow: Like Chef Boy-ar-DuPont, or Coca-Chrysler.

> nor did most act like monopolies; often even two
>divisions of the same zaibatsu found themselves in competition
>with each other as well as other companies;

Tom: Part of the company's competing against the other,
but it's NOT haphazard!
Mike: This incompetence was carefully planned!

> though, especially
>during the war, cartels often were formed.
>

Crow: Which the evil J.R. Ewing-san manipulated for his
own dastardly ends!

>After the war, these zaibatsu were broken up at American
>insistence.

Mike: If there's going to be any poorly-managed
multinational conglomerates around here, *we'll*
be running them!

> However, many of these companies still have their
>old names, even if they're not part of the company anymore (i.e.
>Mitsubishi Heavy Industries, Mitsubishi Bank).

Crow: Mitsubishi Corn Flakes, Mitsubishi Tool & Dye,
Mitsubishi Internet Services, Mitsubishi Breath
Mints...

> Often, in Japan,
>the brand name used in the United States is as well known as the
>Japanese brand, though some changes are made;

Mike: For example, the singing cartoon fishhead logos are
removed from the packaging.

> in Japan,
>Matsushita's principal electronics company, Panasonic, is
>actually known as National, while the famed Bridgestone tires is
>actually the transliteration of the last name of the person who
>founded the company.

Tom: McDonald's is known as "Cardboard Foods R Us".
Mike: K-Mart is known as "The Store Not So Successful as
Wal-Mart".
Crow: Exxon is known as "Happy Face Puppy Goo".

> However, in Japan, a Canon is a Canon and a
>Nikon is a Nikon.
>

Tom: Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand,
water is water!
Crow: Yes, but...
Tom: And east is east and west is west.
Mike: True, although -
Tom: And if you take cranberries and stew them like
applesauce they taste much more like prunes than
rhubarb does. Now - you tell me what you know.

>One aspect known to Americans is the famed lifetime employment
>practices.

Mike: As practiced on 19th century cotton plantations.

> Once a person (who is hired after passing
>examinations) is taken on, he can usually count on being there
>until he retires, usually at 55.

Tom: I'm sorry, did I say "retires"? I meant "expires".

> However, this normally applies
>only to male office workers, called "salarymen"

Mike: Faster than an office rumor! More powerful than three
day old coffee! Able to leap tall in-baskets in a
single bound!

> and usually
>doesn't include factory workers or female workers,

Crow: Or blacks or Latinos or those stinking repulsive
freaks who write with their left hand!

> who are called
>"OL" or office ladies;

Tom: Office Lady! Faithful companion to Salaryman!

> these ladies, usually wearing a blue suit,
>usually wait upon visitors to the company, serve secretarial
>duties and pour tea (much like American secretaries are usually
>expected to pour coffee for the boss).

Mike: Welcome to Japan! Where the sky's always blue, folks
always wear a smile, and it's May 1956 all the live-long
day!

> With the recent economic
>downturn, however, these practices have taken somewhat of a
>beating

Tom: After twenty transformation phrases, a stupid speech,
and some sort of "Uranus Energy, Bitch Slap!" nonsense.

> (though to be fair, the CEO of Ban Dai, the toymaker,
>said he wouldn't hesitate to fire those who didn't agree with him
>or did their best).
>

Mike: [CEO] I need you to be the best darn fawning yes-man
you can be!

>One assumption made about Japanese business is that it's mainly
>non-union. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Crow: Well, OK, that Goldman biography of John Lennon was a
little further from the truth. But nothing else!

> There are
>three important unions:

Mike: The Teamsters, the Soviets, and McClellen's Army of
the Potomac.
Tom: I thought it was Bermuda, Spanish, and Vidalia.
Mike: No, those are *onions*, Tom.

> Sohyo (which covers white collar workers
>and government employees),

Crow: [Sally Struthers] Sohyo want to make more money? Sure,
we all do!

> Domei (consisting of blue-collar
>workers)

Mike: [Redd Foxx] Who you callin' a Domei, dummy?

> and Nikkyoso

Tom: Representing the black-collar ninjas and assassins.

> (which represents teachers and professors).

Tom: Oh, Nikkyoso fine!
Crow: Yoso fine you blow my mind?
Tom: Exactly!

>Management-labor relations are not as antagonistic as they are in
>the United States;

Mike: In Japan, when management treats you like dirt, it's
because you deserve it.

> though there's the famed "spring offensive"

Mike: Managers and employees fight to the death for a 2%
"cost of living" raise.
Crow: If Coily shows up here, so help me...

>for better wages and working conditions, these are mainly
>peaceful demonstrations held before the day's work begins;

Tom: [apathetic protester] Give me liberty, or don't.
Whatever.

> real
>strikes that cripple production rarely occur. Further, instead
>of defending obsolete jobs by "featherbedding",

Mike: They go tell Aunt Grody to increase goose-raising
productivity through communal tai-chi.

> the unions and
>the companies help affected employees retrain for new jobs in the
>same company.

Mike: So how *do* you say "You want fries with that?" in
Japanese?

> Further, locals of unions are not organized by
>geographic region as much as they are organized by a company-to-
>company basis

Tom: And in Japan, record collections are organized by
the main color of the album cover.

> (i.e. one local covers Mitsubishi employees;
>another covers those of Toyota).
>

Tom: The Japanese find it more efficient to let
corporations run their own unions.
Crow: So it's hugs and kisses all around in Japan, then.
Mike: I wonder if the Sailor Squirts have a union.
Tom: What would they demand, Mike? Shorter uniforms?
Longer speeches?

> Another hallmark of Japanese business is that decisions are
>usually made on a consensus basis. Major decisions are made
>after consultation with middle and lower management as well as
>the actual workers.

Crow: [Secretary] So on the motion, "Should Carla date Ted?",
the yeas are twelve, the nays are sixteen.
Tom: [Worker] I move that Ted buy a better car!

> This sharply contrasts to what we're
>accustomed to in the United States: the image of a Julius Caesar
>Dithers or an Ebeneezer Scrooge or a Cosmo Spacely or a Sylvester
>Slate yelling at his employees to get to work and that they'll
>not be getting a raise.

Crow: Wait! You forgot Dilbert's pointy-haired boss in your
articles of indictment!
Tom: That wasn't much of a list at all. He's not really
trying anymore.
Mike: Does it bother anyone else that we keep using cartoons
to prove philosophical points?

> Such persons are viewed as downright
>dictatorial in Japanese terms.

Crow: "In Japanese terms"?
Mike: You go to any water cooler or smoking room of any U.S.
business, you'll hear words far shorter than
"dictatorial" bandied about.

> The Japanese generally are hard-
>working people and have deep devotion to the companies that
>employ them;

Tom: [tenderly] I love you, International Affiliated
Conglomco Unlimited!

> most workers and management do not wish to do
>anything that would harm the company's long-term outlook.
>

Mike: The Stepford Corporation.
Crow: Didn't you already do Stepford joke?
Mike: I stopped trying to be original 200 pages ago.
Crow: Point taken.

>Another matter that needs to be looked at is what happens at the
>beginning of the day.

Mike: Generally, the horizon begins to lighten, then the sun
rises.

> Usually the employees gather in a large
>building, where they sing the company song and hear the company
>creed read aloud.

Tom: You are ANTS beneath our FEET! InsigNIficant TOADS to
be CRUSHED at our WHIM!
Mike: Behind that creed, Gramma Ishihawra's Old Fashioned
Cookies engineered a hostile takeover of Sumo Cookies
Inc. and lead the defeated employees on the "Double
Chocolate Chip Death March."

> Then usually a brief pep talk is held as well
>as an overview of the day's business.
>

Crow: What are we going to do?
Mike & Tom: Make midget cars!
Crow: How are we going to do it?
Mike & Tom: At minimum cost!
Crow: Who are we going to beat?
Mike & Tom: Lazy, undisciplined American gaijin!

>One aspect of Japanese business that has dramatically improved is

Crow: The availability of lunchrooms which don't serve raw fish.

>quality control. William Deming arrived after the war to teach
>quality control to the Japanese; they listened and learned very
>well.

Tom: [Japanese] Ah! Mouth empty slogans! Say you want
creativity while crushing all new ideas! This could work!

> By the 1980's, the term "Made in Japan" was no longer a
>joke; it became a symbol of quality.

Mike: And of protectionist trade barriers.

> The Japanese MITI (Ministry
>of International Trade and Industry)

Crow: Under the rubric of the MMUCAE, the Minsitry of Making Up
Crummy Acronyms for Everything...

> even gives out an award
>called the Deming Prize to the company that has the best quality
>control.

Crow: This year's company with the fewest mistakes...Fruit
of the Loom and their tireless underwear inspectors!
Congratulations! We'd be lost without you!

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>6. Social Conditions
>

Mike: Remember, after a festive shampoo, use a social
conditioner.

>One last area

Tom: Woo-hoo! Last! He said "last"!
Mike: Promises, promises.

> that needs to be looked at is the condition of
>society in Japan. Several areas naturally suggest themselves:
>1.) Morality; 2.) Mass Media;

Tom: Now there's two things you don't see back-to-back very
often.

> 3.) The Status of Women; 4.) The
>Status of Children; 5.) Individuals vs. Groups; and 6.)
>Hierarchy.
>

Crow: Aaaaaargh! We're trapped in White Paper hell!

>a. Morality
>

Crow: Hey! Amorality. Now we're talking!

>The Japanese, contrary to popular belief, are not amoral or
>immoral.

Tom: Who said *that*?
Crow: Must be a good racket, refuting bigotry no one's ever
HEARD of before!

> They are a very moral people.

All: o/~ The captain is a very moral man! o/~

> However, their basis for
>their morality is different than what we're used to seeing in the
>West.
>

Crow: For example, it's PERFECTLY acceptable to eat your
in-laws in Japan!

>The Judeo-Christian morality is based on religion. We have our
>Ten Commandments, the Golden Rule, etc.

Tom: [Capt. Kirk] your.. MAGnaCARta, your... CONstiTUtion,
your... COMpactofdenebiaFOUR...

> Japanese, however, view
>morality as a product of human relations. As stated, Shinto has
>nothing that says "Thou shalt not do this or that";

Crow: Because what would that leave?

> it is merely
>a religion that celebrates the beauty of nature and of life

Mike: Shinto: The Religion that says "Wheeeeeee!"

>(Shinto services are rather loud, boisterous affairs, and
>consumption of alcohol, especially sake or beer, is common);

Crow: Wow! That'd really shake things up down at First
Presbyterian!
Mike: So Shinto practitioners are really just refugees from
a James Joyce novel?

>further, while Buddhism does have a moral code, it is downplayed
>in Japan mainly because most become Buddhist (other than those
>who adhere to it for life) upon death,

Tom: Thanks to their landmark ad campaign, "Covert and Win A
Free Coffin".

> and most funerals are
>Buddhist, and even the Buddhist concept of Heaven and Hell is not
>stressed as much.

Mike: OK! Um... here lies Ted... I guess he's dead. Thanks,
folks! Buffet's set up out back.

> The Japanese view the Universe mainly as an
>amoral, indifferent place,

Crow: So it's sorta like Hollywood, only not as bad?

> and that death (as symbolized by Yomi
>in Shinto) is a place of corruption and decay; to Shinto, death
>is oblivion; there's no Heaven, Hell, Nirvana or Paradise.

Tom: Just an endless strip mall where every store's a
Strawberry's.
Mike: o/~ Imagine all the people... o/~

> The
>morals that the Japanese have are mainly based on Confucianism
>and the complex relationships that Kung Fu-tzu (or Master Kung,
>as he's always called by Asians)

Tom: Or King Kung, a he's known to most Americans.
Mike: Aye, 'twas beauty killed the beast.

> himself formulated. After all,
>it was Master Kung who formulated the precept to treat others in
>the same manner that you wish to be treated yourself (I think
>that sounds better than the old "Do unto others. . .");

Crow: I may be guessing here, but it sounds like Pete is
coming down with Japanophilia.
Mike: Yeah, I think he's leaving out some of the bad stuff.
Tom: Like no "Daria".
Mike & Crow: Oooooooooh!!!

>Confucianism itself is called by East Asians "the philosophy of
>the teachers".
>

Tom: An apple a day?
Crow: I think he's thinking of "vouchers are evil and I get
summers off".

>It is for those reasons that matters that to us may be downright
>immoral or at least indecent are dismissed as trivial by the
>Japanese.

Mike: Arson, pickpocketing, assault? No big deal. Didn't
show up for the company pep rally? They'll throw the
book at you!

> For instance, other than on HBO or Cinemax, one
>wouldn't dare show a topless lady in prime time television here
>in the United States;

Tom: Except for Fox, of course.
Crow: Pete hasn't been watching a lot of television lately,
has he?

> in Japan, nudity is accepted since families
>often bathe together and mixed bathing in public places often
>occurs.

Crow: Sometimes on the subway during rush hour!

> There is the inevitable culture clash, though: A
>Christian group screamed blue murder at 20th Century-Fox when it
>distributed the Hayao Miyazaki classic "My Neighbor Totoro"

Mike: The touching story of a man and the lawn mower who
moves in next to him.

>because the father of the two girls was bathing with them;

Crow: Of course, the "bathtub" was a waterbed with leopard skin
sheets.

> there
>was a similar scene in an episode of "Sailor Moon" where the
>Tsukino family is bathing together at a typical Japanese resort.

Tom: So Confucianism translates into a creepy national
fixation on watching underage girls take off their
clothes?
Mike: I never knew Howard Stern was Japanese...

>However, both scenes are shown in Japan without much ado. Sure,
>there's the scene in "Project A-ko" where A-ko takes off her
>nightshirt, runs topless to her closet and grabs a bra

Crow: Well hey! There's a scene like that in today's story!
Tom: Two of them, in fact! Guerin must be pretty steamed
how that A-ko gal ripped him off!
Mike: No, Guerin's bigger than that. She meant it as an
homage.

> and a
>scene in "Burn Up! W" where officer Rio nude bungee jumps,

Mike: Well, not nude. She was wearing the cord, I hope.

> and
>all those nude scenes and breast jokes in "Ranma 1/2" (which was
>created by a woman, by the way),

Tom: And that's the way it should be! Who else would know
better about naked women than a woman?
Crow: "Defending Your Story" starring Albert Brooks and
Peter Guerin.

> but perhaps the best known nude
>scenes (other than those in "spooge" or pornographic efforts like
>"Urostukidoji: Legend of the Overfiend" or "Venus 5")

Mike: Or "Captain Impotence: King of Erectile Dysfunction"

> is the
>"transformation sequence" in "magic girl" shows like "Sailor
>Moon" or "Magic Knight Rayearth" (just to be fair, Son Goku romps
>in the altogether quite frequently in "Dragon Ball").

Crow: Yes, that's right. All of the most grievous nudity
occurs right in the children-oriented shows. Forget
the hentai, forget the lemons and limes. "Sailor Moon"
is where the booty's at!

> This was
>actually created by one of Japan's more controversial anime
>creators, Go Nagai,

Mike: Part of the Go Network.

> for his android heroine Cutey Honey.

Tom: Wow, he created a robot without clothes. Maybe next
you'll grow carrots without hats, and build a swimming
pool that's not in formal dress!

> This
>could also explain why the Japanese are not as alarmed at
>pornography like we are here.

Crow: Yeah, they're all too busy watching it to be alarmed
by it!

> Pornography is not viewed as evil
>over there, though until recently the only restriction placed on
>it was that nude photographs could not have any pubic hair
>displayed (the yakuza made a killing illegally importing American
>versions of "Playboy" and "Penthouse" for that reason).

Tom: AHEM! Okay, this is *tons* more information than I ever
wanted to know about *any* country's culture!

> What the
>West seems to forget is that nude does not always equal sexy,

Crow: Mike here is living proof.
Mike: Hey!

>especially if it involves women's breasts.

Crow: Well, I've always been more of a diode man myself.
Tom: So when Sailor moon arches her back and thrusts her
chest out, we're* the pigs for thinking it involves
sex?
Mike: I hate us. Really I do.

> Seeing A-ko nude
>wasn't made to titillate;

Tom: Seeing Elizabeth Berkely nude in 'Showgirls' also
wasn't made to titillate.
Mike: Well, they succeeded there.

> it just proves just how human she
>really is beneath her superhuman exterior

Crow: Not to mention just how NAKED she was beneath her
clothes!

> (after all, when was
>the last time you saw a teenage Clark Kent wake up late for
>school?).
>

Tom: Pre or Post Byrne?
Mike: I just thank God every day I never saw a teenage Clark
Kent running for the closet in nothing but panties.

>Another area where Japanese morality is different from the West's
>is in alcohol. The Japanese are no more as prone to alcoholism
>than the French.

[Long silence]
Tom: Anything we can say here that won't make this any worse
than it already is?
Mike: I doubt ...
Crow: Hopefully the Japanese are more prone to bathing than
the French.
Mike: Crow, are you purposely trying to get us killed?

> Of course, sake, or rice wine, is popular, but
>so is beer (one brand known to Americans is Kirin).

Mike: Believe me, Americans know a lot more brands of beer
than just Kirin...

> The Japanese
>do seem to become drunk easier than most; some say that is due to
>a lack of an enzyme that processes alcohol.

Crow: So they're not prone to alcoholism--they're just a whole
race of genetically predisposed drunks?
Mike: Peter Guerin's The Bell Curve--in stores this April!

> Drunkenness is
>almost freely forgiven,

Tom: Now you, too, can paw the boss' wife with no regrets
or fear of recrimination!

> the only exception is for DWI; being
>caught DWI even once results in having your license revoked for
>life.

Crow: Hey, that's not a bad idea.
Tom: Yeah, but if you're caught with a dirty ashtray, they
remove a kidney.

> Alcoholic consumption is often part of business meetings,
>family affairs and even Shinto religious festivals (where even
>teenagers are inebriated).

Crow: Drunk at work, drunk at home, and drunk in church.
Tom: Another aspect of Japanese life, stolen from the
Americans.
Mike: I can foresee tons of nasty bris accidents implied here.

> Sometimes, students do have a beer
>during study time (as in a couple of scenes in "Here is
>Greenwood")

All: Where? I don't - did you see - where did you *leave*
Greenwood when you - think I'm sitting in it.

> but it doesn't seem to affect their study habits.

Tom: They get just as blind stupid drunk as students
anywhere else.

> It
>may help that a person has to be 19 (starting in 1999, 20) before
>he or she can get a driver's license in explaining the lack of an
>adolescent drinking problem in Japan.
>

Crow: Or it may explain the burgeoning Japanese Fake ID
industry.
Tom: So. Everyone's always drunk, and no one has a
drinking problem!
Crow: Mike, is there any chance we can we get a whole
*country* on a twelve-step program?
Mike: You want the three of us to do an intervention?
Crow: No. Just asking.

>Sex is another area of difference in Japanese vs. Western
>morality. The Japanese view sex as just part of nature.

Mike: While here in the West, it's manufactured exclusively
by ADM.

> There
>was once a double standard (all too well-known to us here) of men
>being promiscuous and women having to be "pure",

Crow: Showing, again, how *different* sexual mores are in Japan
than here.

> though this is
>disappearing. Further, teenage sex and pregnancy rarely occur
>because of the high supervision such teens have at home and at
>school.

Tom: But even if it does, it's okay because it's all part
of nature or something.

> If extramarital sex (at the teenage or adult level)
>occurs, it is the results and not the actual act that most people
>worry about.
>

Tom: Japan! Better in every respect to the rest of the
world!
Crow: So they keep stats? Win-loss ratios? Slugging averages?

>The most famous difference is in the view of suicide.

Mike: Overhead as opposed to a tight close-up.

> In the
>West, suicide is as big (if not bigger) a sin than to kill
>others.

Crow: And in the West, littering is also as big (if not bigger)
a sin than to kill others.

> However, the Japanese feel that suicide is an honorable
>option out of a drastic situation if all others have been
>exhausted.

Tom: As when faced with the prospect of Charlie Sheen on
"Spin City."

> This, of course, had its heyday during the shogunal
>times, where samurai often committed seppuku if captured or faced
>other situations. Seppuku is the preferred term for what is
>known in the West as hara-kiri; although both mean,

Mike: "He who bellows at Cubs' games"?

> "slitting of
>the belly", hara-kiri carries a negative connotation.

Crow: Huh. Can't imagine why a term for slicing open your
internal organs is viewed negatively.

> Further,
>not all seppuku was committed the same way.

Mike: Occasionally, it was accomplished with the help of
singing, hillbilly bears.

> Traditionally,
>seppuku was committed by taking the blade of the samurai sword,
>slitting the abdomen with it and then cutting the neck (if
>someone was assisting, he delivered a blow to the back of the
>neck with a second sword).

Tom: The great samurai Tezuka Kevorkian looks on approvingly.

> However, women committed seppuku
>differently. They stabbed themselves through the neck.

Mike: Well, you know what they say - killing yourself by
slitting open your abdomen just leaves a bulkier
looking corpse.

> Seppuku
>rarely occurs today; hanging is now the preferred method.

Crow: Fewer unsightly stains to deal with.
Tom: Edward Gorey would have a field day illustrating
these people! Jeez!

>
>
>b. Mass Media
>

Crow: We're only on B? Aw, man...
Tom: Let's take a breather.
[The trio slowly stands up and exit the theater.]


From mblackwl@ix.netcom.com Sun May 21 21:19:07 2000


[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]


[The Bridge]

[Mike stands behind the console, massaging his temple
with his hands.]

Mike: An appendix. Why? Oh, why didn't I take that
job at the cheese factory? But no, I had to
be adventurous and be a temp. Bright, Mike.
Really bright.

[As Mike continues him lamentations, Servo and Crow
enter, both carrying sheets of paper. The pair
walks over to Mike.]

Crow: Hey, Mike?
Mike: [Wearily] Yeah?
Crow: Tom and I were thinking and we think we've
figured something out about this story.
Mike: Really? What?
Crow: I think we're in hell.
Mike: Crow, we say that in a lot of experiments...
Tom: Mike, we mean we're really in hell.
Crow: We've been transported into the netherworld.
Tom: The forces of darkness are lurking right
outside the hull.
Mike: Hold it. You two are serious? You actually
think that we've been catapulted into hell?
Then where's the fire? Where's the
brimstone? Where's the guys with the
pitchforks?
Crow: Fire and Brimstone? That's covered by the
Hologazebo.
Tom: And thanks to Crow, Pitch has access to this place.
Crow: Oh, sure, I give one minion of Satan an easy way
in, and suddenly *I'm* the bad guy!
Tom: I'm not being judgmental, I'm just pointing out..
Crow: [interrupting] Anyway, Mike, we're not in the
western version of hell.
Tom: That's right. We're in the Chinese hells,
and booooy, they've got a lot of them.
Crow: Look at this list!
[Crow hands a sheet of paper to Mike, who begins
to look it over.]
Tom: Look at Number 82.
Mike: [reading] Number 82: The Hell of White
Papers. A place reserved for those who make
endless lists. [normal] That seems to fit.
Crow: And we're in for even worse, Mike! Keep
reading! Look at #27!
Mike: [Reading] Number 27: The Hell of Sarcastic
Comments. A place where sarcastic fools are
forced to take everything seriously.
Tom: That's us, Mike! It's a bullseye aimed
straight at this crew!
Mike: Come on...
Crow: And look, there's more! There's the hell
of Upside Down People who Constantly Change
Channels! There, people are forced to watch
only "Lifetime" for the rest of Eternity!
Tom: The Really Nauseous Hell of People Who Drink
Straight From the Milk Carton. Those people
are forced to eat dinner with Martha Stewart
for the rest of time.
Crow: The Hell of People Who Can't Stop Listening
to Ricky Martin. That's really a hell for
people trapped with them...
Tom: The Hell of Cheese Heads! Where Packer fans
are forced to realize how stupid they look...
Mike: HEY!! [silence] Guys. There's one little problem
with your idea. Why would a story set primarily
set in Japan catapult us into the Chinese hells?
[Silence]
Crow: Well, it's Guerin, Mike.
Tom: Yeah.
Mike: You two just wanted to do a list of hells, didn't
you?
Bots: Yes.
[The Misery sign begins to flash.]
Mike: Well, normally I'd punish you two for this, but I
have a feeling that we'll all be punished soon
enough since we've got Misery sign.

[Mike taps the light and the three resignedly head for
the theater as the door sequence begins.]

[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]

>Mass media is about as powerful in Japan as it is in the U. S.

Mike: Oh, in other words *it's* the true national religion.

>Several areas once again suggest themselves naturally:

Crow: [whimsical] Why, listing things is as natural as
the rain in spring, or a beautiful white swan being
eaten by a crocodile!
Mike: [staring at Crow] Where did *that* come from?
Crow: I dunno. Carlos, probably.

> 1) Print
>media; 2) Sports; 3) Movies and TV; and 4) Music
>

Tom: Yes! Yes! Go ahead, divide your points into thousands
of subcategories! We've got all day!
Crow: Calm and cool, Servo.

>Japanese are very avid readers.

Mike: Porn doesn't really count though, does it?

> Perhaps the most famous
>publications to Americans are "manga", or comic books.

Crow: So in other words, they're not very avid readers.
Mike: I thought they were called graphic novels?
Tom: Oh, don't start that again.

> Tezuka
>Osamu, the legendary creator of "Tetsuwan Atom" and "Jungle
>Taitei"

Tom: Legendary? He didn't exist?
Mike: I think it was DesCartes who said, "If Tezuka Osamu
didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent him."

> (or as we know them here "Astro Boy" and "Kimba the White
>Lion")

Mike: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, I remember them. Who could
forget Simba the White Lion?
Tom: Kimba, Mike. It's Kimba.
Mike: Whatever.

> almost single-handedly created the medium after the war,

Crow: *cough*SiegelShusterKirbyKaneFox*cough*

>in fact, he is still called "manga no kami-sama", or "the god of
>comics"

Mike: Or "hopeless living-in-parents'-basement loser boy,"

> in Japan and has a museum dedicated to him. Tezuka has
>been called "The Walt Disney of Japan",

Tom: And his frozen severed head delights millions of
tourists in Kimbaworld!

> though he seems to be
>more suited to be Japan's Stan Lee or Siegel and Shuster.

Mike: "Japan's Greatest Comics!"?
Crow: As long as he's not Japan's Jim Shooter!
[Tom and Crow shiver]

> There
>have been other famous manga artists like Monkey Punch

Tom: Hey, how about a nice Monkey Punch?
Mike: Sure!


> ("Lupin
>III:

Crow: The Dennis Moore story.

> Tales of the Wolf"); Go Nagai

Tom: Stop Peter!

> ("Shameless School"; "Cutey
>Honey"; "TranZor Z"); Rumiko Takahashi ("Urusei Yatsura"; "Ranma
>1/2");

Mike: That's the one where the guy turns into a girl, right?
Tom: Yeah, one of them.
Mike: *One* of them? How - how many are-
Tom: Don't think about it, Mike.

> the four-woman studio CLAMP

[All snicker]
Crow: Forceps! Retractor! 4-0 Silk!

> ("Magic Knight Rayearth";
>"Tokyo Babylon";

Tom: [Kosh] Tokyo has always been here.

> "RG Veda"); Matsamune Shirow ("Dominion Tank
>Police"; "Ghost in the Shell")

Mike: I prefer my ghosts on the half-shell.

> and Naoko Takeuchi ("Sailor
>Moon").

Crow: Never heard of it.
Tom: Crow, we just -
Crow: You're harshin' my buzz, Servo!

> In fact, it's been estimated that two out of every five
>publications sold in Japan are manga,

Mike: The other three are manga Cliff Notes.

> and such publications as
>"Shonen Jump" (the home of Akira Toryama's "Dragon Ball") have
>among the highest circulations of any publication in the world.
>

Mike: Number Three, "Time Magazine"; Number Two, "The London
Times"; Number One, "Ultra-Violent Schoolgirl Monthly"!

>Japan also has some well-known newspapers and magazines.

Crow: So in how many countries do you go on for pages about
their comics and then say, "We also have several
newspapers!"?
Mike: Many featuring items of current interest!

> Among
>the best known newspapers are "Yomiuri Shimbun"; "Asahi Shimbun";
>"Mainichi Shimbun"; "Samkei"; "Nihon Keizai" (their equivalent to
>our "Wall Street Journal"); "Hokkaido Shimbun"; "Tokyo Shimbun";

Mike: o/~ Shimbun Shimbun o/~
All: Yadadadadada yadadadadada...

>"Chunichi"; "Nishi Nippon" and "Japan Times" (which is printed in
>English).

Mike: Just like VCR instructions are!
Crow: "Tangled With Hardness Poverty, Stocks Cry!"

> Magazines do not play as much a role in Japan as they
>do in the U.S.,

Tom: They're limited to cameo appearances and the occaisonal
guest spot.

> but there are specialized magazines covering
>various hobbies and special interests.
>

Tom: "Rock Gardening Quarterly"...
Mike: "Martha Stewart's Origami Patterns"...
Crow: "Playgeisha"...

>The Japanese are avid sports fans.

Tom: All Japanese are exactly alike! Generalize freely, for
they are all the same!

> There are, of course, some
>sports that originated in Japan itself.

Tom: Such as seppuku! And targeted plane crashing!

> Sumo wrestling, where
>tall, large, muscular men grapple with each other and try to push
>the other person out of the ring, is the best known;

Crow: Really, it's kind of a metaphor for life.
Tom: What does *that* mean?!?
Crow: Just that at some point in everyone's life, you'll
encounter a tall, large, muscular man who'll try to
push you out of a ring.

> sumo has
>some connections to Shinto, and recently an American, Akebono,

Tom: [Boris Karloff] Ake-bono...

>made history by becoming the first foreigner to become grand
>champion in the sport.

Crow: Huh! All this honor and tradition and respect for your
opponent. Well, in this country we wail on each other
'til we hemorrhage to unconsciousness, the way sports
are supposed to be!

> More recently, one of the "basho"

Mike: Basho - the violently insane Marx Brother.

> or
>tournaments was held in Vancouver, Canada; only a few times have
>basho been held outside of Japan. Jujitsu and judo (which
>developed out of jujitsu) are the best known martial arts, as is
>kendo, or fencing with bamboo sticks.

Tom: Americans prefer suburbo, or fencing with white pickets.

> However, the best known
>sport to Americans is actually a sport Americans themselves
>created:

Crow: Water pollution!

> baseball. Japan has two major leagues: The Central
>League and the Pacific League, both with six teams each.

Crow: And the Expos are at the bottom of bo...
Tom: [exploding] FOR THE LOVE OF JANE LANE, WE DON'T
FRIGGING CARE!!!
Mike: [he and Crow hold Tom back] Easy, Big Guy! We're
almost done.
Tom: Yeah, sez you!

> At the
>end of each season, they play a Japan Series much like our World
>Series.

Crow: I wonder if they throw batteries there, too.

> Sadaharo Oh, who played for the Tokyo Yomiuri Giants,
>hit 868 home runs, or 113 more than Hank Aaron;

Mike: But those are metric home runs, worth .68 of an
imperial one.

> another player
>once had an "iron man" streak longer than Lou Gherig's,

Crow: Though it was still second to Tony Stark's.

> though
>Cal Ripken eventually broke even that one!

Tom: So it wasn't just a Tom Selleck movie after all?

> There is a minor
>league system like we have here as well.

Crow: Probably filled with all them Shinto gods no one can
keep track of.

> Soccer, American rules
>football, basketball and even hockey are beginning to attract
>crowds now

Mike: And so is 47-Man Squamish.

> (all four major leagues here in the U.S. have played
>exhibition games in Japan, and even some regular season games).

Crow: Heck! Dennis Rodman has been hanging around Tokyo bars
for over a year now!

>Japan has hosted three Olympics: the 1964 Summer Games in Tokyo;
>the 1972 Winter Games in Sapporo and the 1998 Winter Games in
>Nagano. In 2002, Japan will co-host the World Cup Soccer
>Tournament with South Korea, a first for the event.
>

Mike: Ahhh, they finally found a use for that "Sailor Kick"
power.

>Japanese are also very avid movie and TV watchers.

Tom: Yes, Japanese people are just like Americans, only
better!

> Outside
>Hollywood, Japan is a leading producer of films and are avid
>moviegoers (though India has even more productive studios and
>even more avid moviegoers). Perhaps the best known movie studios
>are Toho (home to Godzilla, or as the Japanese call him, Gojira)

Crow: Or as Hollywood calls him, "box-office poison".

>and Toei (home to "Go Renjaa", or as we know them, "Mighty
>Morphin' Power Rangers").

Tom: Well, at least it's more succinct.

> The best known director to Americans
>is Akira Kurosawa; his films include "Rashomon" (a story told in
>several different points of view); "The Seven Samurai" (which
>served as the basis for the American Western "The Magnificent
>Seven")

Mike: As well as "Battle Beyond the Stars", "The Magnificent
Ferengi" and "The Magnificent Sven".

> and "Ran" (which is essentially William Shakespeare's
>"King Lear" set in feudal Japan). There are other well-known
>films;

Crow: But only three: "Duck Soup", "On the Beach" and
"Operation Dumbo-Drop".
Mike: The others are all figments of your imagination.

> one that made a lot of noise recently was "Shall We
>Dance?", which was about a salaryman who takes up ballroom
>dancing.
>

Tom: He's then killed by a passing robotic uber-babe
from the future.

>However, the best known films to Americans are the "kaiju" or
>rubber-suited monster movies. The best known, of course, is
>1954's "Godzilla: King of the Monsters" (the scenes with Raymond
>Burr in them were added by the American distributor);

Mike: But only for the wide-screen edition.

> others
>include "Mothra"; "Ghirda"; "Gamera"; and "Rodan".

Tom: This is turning into a SOL's Greatest Hits Parade.
Crow: I'd like to make a quick shout out for Reaper G.
here. Hi, Reap! Keep up the good work, defending
us and all...

> The Japanese
>are also well known for some several science-fiction efforts like
>"Johnny Soko and his Flying Robot" (which served as the
>inspiration for "Giant Robo") and "Zeiram" (which inspired "Iria:
>Zeiram the Animation").
>

Crow: Wow. Who knew Roger Corman lived in Japan, too?

>Japanese TV is a mixture of American and British practices.

Tom: Of course.

> As
>in the U.S and the U. K., the networks themselves are a mixture
>of public and private companies. The best known is Nippon Hoso
>Kyoku, or NHK, which translates to Japan Broadcasting Office, or
>Japan Broadcasting Corporation. NHK is Japan's PBS;

Crow: Meaning they broadcast Japan's McLaughlin Report,
Japan's Mark Russell, and "Kyoto City Limits".

> in fact, it
>is two networks.

Mike: Made possible by Viewers Like You.

> One has educational fare like PBS; the other
>has the type of programs that American TV networks present.

Tom: So the choices are Nova's look at the life of a dung
beetle vs. "Talk To Me". No wonder the Japanese are
so cranky!

>There are commercial networks that either have a national reach
>or are seen regionally, like Asahi TV (home to "Sailor Moon");
>Tokyo Broadcasting System; and Fuji TV.

Mike: Who daily battle their arch-rival, the Kodak Channel.

> There are no seasons as
>such as in the U.S.; shows continue until they reach a logical
>ending.

Crow: Like the main protagonists winding up in an efficiency
apartment in Wisconsin watching a bad movie on TV?
Mike: No, a *logical* conclusion.
Crow: Oh yeah. Sorry.

> However, a popular show can go on for several seasons
>and sometimes its title will be altered to stress that fact (for
>instance, "Sailor Moon"; "Sailor Moon R"; etc.).

Mike: "Sailor Moon: Deep Space Nine"
Crow: "Is Sailor Moon Being Served?"
Tom: "Action 10 News With Bob Fisher and Sailor Moon"

> You don't need
>a license to own a TV in Japan as is the case in Great Britain;

Tom: So, how do you get a TV license?
Crow: You have to prove your lack of intelligence.

>however, NHK gets its funding from a special tax imposed on TV's.

Crow: Uh-oh.
Tom: You heard it too?
Crow: Yep.
Mike: What?
Tom: Somewhere, a TV executive is smacking his lips and
cackling evilly.
Mike: Probably just Herzog.

> Overall, the actual programming is more like American TV than
>British, with an emphasis on comedy and drama.
>

Tom: As opposed to...
Mike: "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire"?

>The best known TV and movies to most Americans are anime and
>"sentai", or "battle team" shows.

Mike: Battle of the Network Armies!

> Sentai has been around almost
>as long as anime. Among the earliest was "Ultraman". The best
>known, however, is the aforementioned "Go Renjaa"; though several
>others have made their way here like "Masked Rider"; "Superhuman
>Samurai Cyber Squad"; "VR Troopers" and "Big Bad Beetleborgs".
>

Crow: [British] Hey, lads. You will be assimilated.
Resistance is, like, not very gear, y'know.

>As for anime, the list of well-known TV shows, movies and OAV's
>(original animation videos, or direct-to-video releases) is vast:
>"Astro Boy"; "Speed Racer" (or "Mach Go Go Go");

Tom: And someone, somewhere, is going to answer for that
damn monkey!

> "Robotech" (or
>"Superdimensional Fortress Macross"); "Kimba the White Lion";
>"Sailor Moon"; "Dragon Ball"; "Project A-ko"; "Bubblegum Crisis";

Mike: Aaaah! We're out of "Hubba Bubba"!

>"Dominion Tank Police"; "Patlabor"; "You're Under Arrest!";
>"Battle of the Planets" (or "Science Ninja Team Gatchaman");

Tom: Science Ninjas?
Mike: They throw test tubes and Bunsen burners at people.
Crow: Old Navy Science Ninja Mittens!
Mike: Thankfully, no.

>"Burn Up!"; "Urotsukidoji: Legend of the Overfiend"; "Samurai
>Pizza Cats"; "Star Blazers" (or "Space Battleship Yamato"); and
>"Urusei Yatsura", just to name but a few.
>

Tom: "A few"?

>One form of TV drama has been catching on with Americans
>recently: the live-action samurai show.

Crow: As evidenced by the smash new show, "Samurai
Smackdown".

> One that is getting
>attention has been "Lone Wolf and Cub", based on the famous manga
>of the same name.
>
>One more matter before I move away from anime;

Tom: Like that will ever happen.

> recently, much has
>been made of an actress calling herself Apollo Smile;

Crow: She'll be meeting Rocky Balboa for the title July 19th!

> she calls
>herself the first "living" anime character. She bleached her
>hair blonde and done it up in ponytails and has her own anime and
>manga series as well as some hit tunes in Japan. Recently, she
>hosted the Sci-Fi Channel's "Anime Week '98" festival.

Mike: Yes, more of that quality original programming from
the Sci-Fi Channel, folks!
Tom: Still bitter, Mike?
Mike: Just a tad.

> She also
>seems to speak very fluent English.
>

Crow: Which may be due to the teensy fact that she's American.

>As far as music is concerned, perhaps the best known to American
>anime fans are the "pop idol" singers.

Mike: Talkin' bout - pop idols, talkin' bout - pop idols.
Bots: Pop - pop - pop idols.
Pop - pop - pop idols.

> If the 1960's and the
>alternative-rock scene of the 1990's were rife with here-today-
>gone-tomorrow bands and singers, for pop idol, that has been the
>case for decades. Today's hot singer may be a has-been by the
>next month.

Tom: Wow! That's completely different from American music!
Mike: That reminds me, I saw Lou Bega at Denny's the other day.
Crow: Really?
Mike: Yep. He spilled my water though, so he didn't get a tip.

> However, there have been a few bands and singers
>that have attracted attention in America. Perhaps the best known
>to teenagers and twentysomethings is the heavy metal band
>Loudness, who once toured with Quiet Riot;

Crow: Loudness *and* Quiet Riot? Now isn't that ironic?
Mike: No it isn't.

> they contributed two
>songs to the anime film "Odin: Photon Space Sailer Starlight".

Crow: Oh yeah, that's blockbuster smash. I remember that one.
Tom: Or, more commonly, "Random Words Strung Together".

>Also well known is Hiroshima, whose musical influences are more
>toward classical Japanese than modern rock; they did a song that
>appeared in "Star Trek V: The Final Frontier".

Tom: Oooh, they were the ones that accompanied Uhura's
fan dance!
Crow: Thanks for regurgitating that scene for us, Tom.
Tom: Yeah, yeah, scoff all you want, I thought it was hot!

> There was a
>singing duo called Pink Lady who had their own short-lived TV
>series on NBC in the early 1980's (which featured actor-magician
>Jeff Altman);

[Silence]
Crow: Mike, did he really just make a reference to Pink Lady
and Jeff?
Mike: Quiet. Pearl might track down the reruns and show them
to us.
Pearl: [VO] I've already tried. Looks like the tapes were
tragically destroyed along with "Supertrain" and "The
San Pedro Beach Bums".

> another band, The Plastics, made an appearance on
>the Canadian comedy series "Second City Television" ("SCTV").

Tom: They did a duet with the "Five Neat Guys", right?
Crow: I think it was the Shmenge brothers.

>Recently, Ciba Matto, a couple of Japanese women living in New
>York City,

All: NEW YORK CITY?!?

> have attracted media attention,

Mike: They weren't doing anything, it's just that the media
was really bored that week.

> as well as Buffalo
>Daughter

Crow: Tatanka!

> (the white rap band the Beastie Boys signed them to
>their Grand Royal label). Of course, there's also Yoko Ono,
>widow to former Beatle John Lennon.

Crow: I thought this section was about singers. What's Yoko
doing here?
Tom: Well, she *was* married to one.

> One well-known alternative
>rock band from Japan is Shonen Knife. A year or so back, there
>was even a computer-generated idol singer, "DK 95", or Date Kyoko
>as she was also known;

Tom: Oh God! Somehow, she's to blame for that computerized
Veejay on BET - I just know it!

> however, anime had beaten her to the punch
>earlier than that: there was the virtual idol Sharon Apple in
>"Macross Plus".

Mike: So, they were both ripping off Art of Noise and Max
Headroom's "Paranormia" then?

>
>c. The Status of Women
>

Crow: *ahem* The status of women is as follows: They are, by
and large, females. Thank you.
Mike: Nice piece of research there, Dr. Hite.
Tom: Plus, they're hot and rockin'!

>It has been said that Japanese women are far behind American and
>European woman as far as equality is concerned. While it is true
>that they are behind in some areas as compared to their Western
>counterparts, they are in fact treated better than in comparable
>areas of Asia, where many nations follow Islam, and women of
>course have to go out covered literally from head to foot.
>

Tom: So all Japanese women can do is take comfort in the
fact that they have it bad, but at least they're not
in gunny sacks.

>Historically speaking, woman have in some aspects been treated
>better in Japan than in other ancient cultures. Granted, samurai
>women were often treated as inferior wedding pawns, but in the
>countryside women often ran the rice paddies;

Mike: Charlie was close - I could smell it. It was kind of
young, kind of wow, Charlie!

> this is especially
>true today, since in many instances the husband and children are
>now often than not seeking employment outside of the farm, and
>the children often leave for the big city.

Crow: Well, how ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm after
they've seen Osaka?

> As stated earlier,
>Shinto and Buddhism are among a small number of major religions
>where woman have almost an equal role as men:

Crow: No presumption of attention span will be made!
Tom: No presumption of attention span will be made!
Mike: No presumption of attention span will be made!

> there are female
>Buddhist monks and the aforementioned Shinto "miko" or
>priestesses.
>

Mike: And as well know, that's where the *really* big bucks
are being made!

>As far as women in the suburbs and the cities, they have far more
>power than most Western authorities about Japan give them credit
>for.

Tom: For example, they can grant letters of marque and
reprisal.

> Although there are still quite a few stay-at-home mothers
>(as in the U.S., career women have grown, but not as much or as
>fast as here,

Mike: American career women now 800% larger!
Tom: Aaaah! It's the attack of the 50 ft. Female Marketing VP!

> since women workers are still considered temporary
>workers), they have powers that American feminists would not have
>thought possible.

Crow: Heat vision!
Mike: Telepathy!
Tom: Moon Princess Halation!

> They have vast financial powers, including:
>control of the family budget; keeping their husbands on a strict
>allowance; decide what major purchases will be made;

Mike: Sounds like my Uncle Melvin and Aunt Shirley.

> and often
>vigorous oversee their children's education (like Tsukino Ikuko
>does on "Sailor Moon", much to Usagi's chagrin!). Often it's
>been said that these powers make Japanese husbands rather
>meekish;

Tom: [Japanese wife] My husband isn't - he's strong and takes
charge of the family.
Crow: [Japanese husband] If you say so, dear.

> perhaps to an extent it is true, but when most salarymen
>are out from dawn to late at night on their jobs or at hostess
>bars, women often are "wearing the pants in the family".
>

Tom: Well, they have to. The men at the hostess bars usually
have their pants off.

>To be fair, there are feminist organizations in Japan. However,
>the militaristic approach of an organization like NOW is not the
>Japanese approach.

Mike: They prefer good old fashioned armed revolution instead -
no beating around the bush for Japan's cute little
violent femmes!

> While it is true that Japanese women face the
>same "glass ceiling" as their American sisters, they prefer to go
>around it rather than smashing it.

Crow: What? They slither around the outer wall?

> Many women therefore go into
>business for themselves (some examples in anime: Osaka Naru's
>mother in "Sailor Moon" runs her own jewelry store; in "Bubblegum
>Crisis", Linna is an exercise instructor.). Perhaps one of the
>most female-friendly businesses has been anime;

Tom: Of course, that's a bit like saying that Playboy was
female-friendly when Christine Hefner was running the
place.

> among the most
>famous female anime artists have included Rumiko Takahashi; Naoko
>Takeuchi, the four-women studio CLAMP; Haigo Moto; and Kei
>Kunosake. Literature has also been female-friendly;

Mike: It's printed in bright, colorful pastels.

> in fact, the
>most famous Japanese novel (and the first ever written in
>history), "The Tale of Genji", was written by Lady Shikibu
>Murasaki in the 11th Century.

Tom: Today, she writes under the pen name "Barbara Cartland".

> Most American feminists, however,

Crow: Don't shave their legs.
Tom: Wow!
Mike: [moaning] Crow, please...
Crow: C'mon, Mike, it's a proven statistical fact!
Mike: I think you mean it's a cheap vicious rumor.
Crow: Oh. Well, one of those.
Mike: Ladies, just send all correspondence to Crow T. Robot,
Box 82, Satellite Of Love.

>think of the Japanese approach to sexual equality as a "separate
>-but-equal" approach that does not reap the same results as the
>confrontational approach they've been using.

Crow: Such as bitter, empty lives and broken relationships!
Mike: Good Gravy! Cr- Crow, what are you doing?
Crow: Again, Mike, a proven fact.
Tom: [whispering]
Mike: Ah.
Tom: Yeah.
Mike: Crow, just because Debbie had to work a double shift
down at White Castle is no reason to -
Crow: My mind is made up, Mike - don't try to confuse me
with facts.

> However, the
>Japanese methods may be reaping more long-term rewards. In the
>U.S., women seem more comfortable working with their peers than
>alongside men,

Crow: Oh yeah, sure! Like, like, like Debbie doesn't just
*enjoy* working alongside that big creep DANNY!!!
Tom: Crow, you need to seek some counseling.
Crow: I - I know. *sniff* I hurt inside! Forgive me!
Mike: Aw, it's all right, Cr-
Crow: Not you two lunkheads! I'm talking to - to -
DEBIIIIIIIEEE! WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! [collapses against
Mike and cries]
Tom: You need to adjust his meds. Again.

> and even if they're not facing the same kind of
>discrimination that their mothers did, they're now facing a
>different, more subtle kind of discrimination.
>

Mike: As opposed to the different, blatant discrimination
in Japan?

>d. The Status of Children
>

Crow: [still crying] Duh-Duh-Debbie loves children,
y'know.
Mike: [soothingly] We know, Crow. Now sit up and read
the pointless, boring, anal-retentive appendix, okay?
Crow: *sniff* 'Kay.

>Children are considered very valuable to Japanese parents;

Mike: A healthy Japanese child can bring millions of
yen on the open market.

> in
>fact, one of the major holidays in Japan is called "Children's
>Day"; though this used to be exclusively a boys' holiday, it is
>now considered one for girls as well.
>

Crow: So the boys now refer to it as "Cootie Day".

>The one paramount thing that is stressed to children is

Tom: "Star Trek".

> the
>importance of their education. Even the most crowded house or
>apartment will have plenty of study room for the children.

Tom: Each child is allotted a three by three compartment,
complete with a slot for light and receiving food trays.

> Birth
>control and abortion are not as controversial in Japan as in the
>United States because the size of families is often dictated by

Tom: The Government?
Crow: No, that's in China.

>how much a family can afford to educate their children more than
>anything else (to be fair, neither birth control or abortion is a
>hot-button issue;

Mike: Another area where America leads the world - hot-button
issues!

> neither Shinto or Buddhism have any
>restrictions on either of them, and Japan has rather lax abortion
>laws that are not even enforced; further, there is virtually no
>teenage pregnancy problem).
>

Crow: Thanks to the hordes of mutant rats that swarm into
maternity wards, hungry for flesh!

>As far as discipline, corporal punishment is almost unheard of;

Mike: Yeah, it's mostly sergeants and second lieutenants that
cause the disciplinary problems.

>this is not because they have anti-spanking laws like Sweden
>(they do not), but rather traditionally persuasion has been seen
>to be better than force in disciplining children.

Tom: And if that fails, a UN negotiator is called in.

> The main
>motive used is shame.

Crow: Behave, or we'll withhold your weekly dose of shame!

> "People won't like you if you act that
>way" seems to be more effective to Japanese parents than hitting
>the buttocks with a belt.

Mike: Of course, by the time the lecture's over, the kid wishes
Dad had just swatted his fanny instead of talking his ear
off.

> Also, whereas American parents often
>ground their children,

Crow: Shocking, isn't it?
[Mike & Tom groan]

> Japanese children who misbehave are often
>locked out of their homes (like Usagi was on the very first
>episode of "Sailor Moon"). Frankly, most Japanese feel that the
>Western method of corporal punishment is repugnant and brutal.

Tom: Instead, they strap the children into a chair, and force
them to listen to Beethoven's Fifth.
Crow: Yes, spanking is so harsh and violent. Let's just THROW
THEM OUT INTO THE COLD CRUEL NIGHT INSTEAD!
>This is not to say that corporal punishment doesn't occur at
>times; it was quite frequent during the militarist rule of World
>War II.
>

Mike: As was the practice of brushing your teeth.
Crow: Thankfully, the Japanese know better these days.

>Japanese teens are not as unruly as their American peers.
>Problems with drugs and alcohol are almost unknown, though teen
>smoking has been somewhat of a problem

Tom: Have you tried marinating them first?

> (Japan, not necessarily
>undeveloped, is one of the American tobacco companies' biggest
>foreign markets; this has been the case since the Japanese
>government eased its monopolistic control over tobacco in the
>1980's).

Crow: [Tobacco Exec] Gentlemen, we're running out of Americans
to poison; we need to start exporting our vices abroad.

> Further, the "bosozuku" or "speed tribes" of
>motorcycling youths are not like the Hell's Angels or Banditos in
>the U.S.;

Mike: They get hired for security at Rolling Stones concerts?

> most are just enthusiastic about motorcycling and
>commit no worse crimes than breaking the speed limit. Japanese
>youths rebel in other ways, mainly in trying to alter their
>school uniforms or even dying their hair!

Crow: Her hair is blonde! Society's crumbling as we speak!
Mike: So wearing a bow tie and brown shoes marks you as a
troubled youth?

> Of course, at the
>universities, especially during the 1960's, there are still the
>occasional protests.
>

Tom: HELL NO WE WON'T GO! HELL NO WE W- Oh, wait, we *can't*
go.

>e. Individuals vs. Groups
>

Mike: There is no one. There is only the many. The good of
the many is the goal of all.

>One distinguishing hallmark of Japanese society is the stress of
>the group.

Mike: Which leads, in turn, to the valium of the group.

> Even in government there is a stress on group
>leadership; even in shogunal times the shogun often had his
>advisors, and Gen. Tojo was merely the hub holding the military
>leadership together in World War II (when things began to go
>badly for Japan, he meekly resigned the prime ministership).

Tom: [Elmer Fudd] I've been a baaad, baaad, genewul.
Crow: Revisionist History - Try Some Today!

>Most individual think of themselves as part of a company or of a
>family or of a community rather then as a single person.
>However, one should be careful to assign a "herd mentality" to
>the Japanese.

Tom: I'm pretty sure he *meant* to put a 'not' in that
sentence.

> There are ample opportunities for Japanese to
>prove their individuality.

Mike: Being an individualist is not fun unless you do it in
a group.

> Nowhere is this more apparent than in
>their literature; often authors write of their own struggles
>against what they feel to be a "conformist" society (one Japanese
>author, Yasunari Kawabata, won the Nobel Prize for Literature in
>1968, one of his stories, "The Izu Dancer", can be seen in anime
>form in the series "Animated Classics of Japanese Literature"
>from Central Park Media).;

Tom: Pause, Pete, pause! C'mon, breathe!

> the two well-known Japanese poetry
>styles--the seventeen syllable Haiku and the thirty-one syllable
>tanka--have also served as forums of individual expression.
>

Mike: In a very controlled and structured manner.
Crow: Here is my Haiku
It belongs to me, not you.
So bite me - it's fun!

>f. Hierarchy
>

Crow: Hey, fellas, it just hit me. Considering how any
person with a free will would've stopped reading ages
ago, we're probably the first people ever to read these
words.
Tom: So?
Crow: Well, doesn't it sort of imbue you with that Lewis and
Clark, intrepid explorer kind of a feel?
Mike: Crow, since this Appendix started, I haven't had ANY
feeling in ANY part of my body, OK? Gimme a break.

>The Japanese concept of hierarchy is a bit different from most.

Mike: It goes "Monster children, super-powered pre-adolescents,
everyone else."

>Certainly, in the feudal past, there was the powerful elite at
>the top down to the peasant farmers at the bottom,

Tom: Brace yourselves. Quonster ought to be appearing any
second now.

> but the
>combined effects of the Meiji Restoration reforms as well as
>World War II and thereafter have changed that;

Tom: By the way, Mike, we can't be the *first* to read this.
I mean, Peter had to read what he was writing, didn't
he?
[Mike and Crow look at Servo.]
Tom: Oh. Right. That probably explains a lot.

> by the end of the
>war most wealth was eliminated, and inheritance taxes are pretty
>stiff

Tom: Which is only fair, seeing as how...
Mike: Don't, Tom.

> (it's not unusual for a CEO of a major firm to "adopt"
>someone to take over the business when he retires). Most
>Japanese, if asked, say that they're middle class.

Crow: They've clearly been brainwashed by the bourgeois running
dogs.

> Thus
>hierarchy has taken on a "vertical" rather than a "horizontal"
>orientation.

Mike: Then, of course, there's the rare and beautiful
"diagonal" hierarchy orientation.

> Usually this is achieved by groups, with a clearly
>defined leader and followers. It should be noted, however, that
>leaders usually have a rather symbolic role and that actual
>authority or carrying out the business of a group may rest with
>some high-ranking junior officers or middle management.

Tom: So there's a clear-cut, take-charge leader whose
function is to do nothing, basically?
Mike: Basically, yeah.
Tom: Huh. Actually, it sounds a bit like the Reagan
Administration.

> Thus a
>Japanese person says he's a company man rather than being in the
>middle class.

Crow: For no particular reason, I'm suddenly thinking of
"Brave New World".

> No where is hierarchy better known to the American
>otaku than in education. Upperclassmen, or "sempai", have
>considerable authority over their "kohai" or underclassmen,
>though the type of bullying seen in such anime as "Oh! My
>Goddess" or "Hre is Greenwood" is quite rare (there has been a
>bullying problem in the Japanese educational system, but much of
>that is do to students acting differently than others;

Mike: Well, we certainly can't have *that*!!

> the
>Japanese are now only beginning to address this problem).

Tom: Individuality invites abuse! Conform and be loved by
all!

> This
>is different from the American situation,

Mike: Where bullying never, ever happens.

> where it seems we've
>all heard stories of how the dumb jocks pick on the smart nerds
>and treat them like outcasts a/la/our heroine, Daria
>Morgendorffer.

All: ["Daria" theme] La-la-*la*-lala, la-la-la-*la*-lala.

>*****************************************************************
>********************

Crow: [Roger Rabbit] Look - stars! I'm ready when you are,
Raoul!

>This is more or less a basic description of Japan in general.

Tom: This has been everything I never wanted to know about
Japan, and were too disinterested to ask!
Mike: Steady, Servo.

>As stated, I highly encourage everyone out there to read Mr.
>Reischauer and Dr Levi's books that I have mentioned.
>

Crow: Come on! Buy their book already! Did I mention that
I'm an authorized Amazon reseller?

>And now for. . .

Mike: [British] Something completely different: a man with
a stoat through his head.

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>PART 2: THE IN-JOKES!

Crow: Joy.
Tom: With Peter Faulk and Alan Arkin!

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>As stated, the in-jokes are described by the data or chapter
>they're in.

Crow: You know what's funnier than explaining a joke? Listening
to someone explain how they've methodically organized
their explanations of why something's funny!

> The use of "data" instead of chapters is in itself
>an in-joke;

Mike: Who knew Brent Spiner was an anime fan?

> some anime series like "Cyber City Oedo 808"

Tom: And its companion series "Robo Village Mellie 411".

> and "The
>Guyver"

Mike: Starring Richard Dean Anderson.

> are divided up into data instead of episodes. The title
>of this story is in itself a pun of sorts;

Crow: Huh? "Pit Bull Shyster Perambulate Knucklehead"?
That's a pun? On what?
Tom: You know... on other, unrelated, random words.
Mike: Oh.

> it's a pun on the
>episode "The Misery Chick" as well as "Sailor Senshi".

Mike: Although it's not so much a pun as it is a heavy wooden
plank used to beat the reader to death.

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>Author's Disclaimer
>
>"So there":

Tom: Nyaaah!

> If you've ever seen the movie "Airplane!",

Crow: You probably noticed a distinct lack of explanations
for the jokes they made.

> in the
>statement in the closing credits that states that copying the
>film is a Federal offense subject to criminal prosecution (yadda,
>yadda, yadda), after that, there are the words "So there." Next
>time you see that film, look very carefully for it.

Mike: He's explaining in-jokes about disclaimers?
Tom: Surely he can't be serious!
Crow: He is ser-
Mike: C'mon, guys, that's too easy.

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>Data 1: Ebon Genesis Sweet Adeline
>

Mike: The heartwarming story of an outdated Sega game console,
and its dream of singing barbershop!

>Data Title: The title of this data is a pun on the title of the
>anime series "Neon Genesis Evangeleon" from the legendary GAINEX
>studios.
>

Tom: Gainex Studios! Lifts away stains and leaves your cartoons
bright and fresh-smelling.

>"A brown octopus": Often in American World War II propaganda,
>the military government of Japan was depicted as a greedy octopus
>trying to grab all of Asia with its tentacles; there was one good
>cartoon where the American eagle attacks such an octopus.
>

Crow: I remember a cartoon where an eagle attacks a fish. What
did that represent?
Mike: That was from when we were at war with Abe Vigoda.

>"Shaolin Temple": This famed temple (which does exist, by the
>way) does teach their monks the martial arts style of kung fu;

Tom: As opposed to the macramé style of kung fu.

> it
>was mentioned in the 1970's cult classic TV series "Kung Fu" (it
>gets mentioned later in Data 16).
>

Crow: David Carradine, clinging to some last shred of
respectability, refused to appear in this fanfic.
Tom: Hi-keeba!

>"Chang Ryu": One of the most common in-jokes in anime are
>characters that look vaguely familiar to other anime characters

Tom: Oh, do you mean "Vaguely Familiar" as in "They're All
Pretty Much The Same Person In A Different Shirt"? Yeah,
I noticed that m'self.
Mike: It's the Betty and Veronica Syndrome at work.

>(i.e. Mari the bully from "Project A-ko" looking like Kenshiro
>from "Fist of the North Star").

Crow: Sounds like a Jack London/Dashell Hammet collaboration.

> I've tried a verbal approach to
>this. Ryu was named in honor of Ryu from "Street Fighter".
>

Mike: I was named in honor of the open mike nights at "Sir
Chuck-a-lot's."
Tom: "Street Fighter" was in turn named for famous boxer
Meryl Street.
Mike: Streep, Tom.

>"Amazana Yoriko": Yoriko's last name is a pun on "Amazon",

Tom: You don't say...
Mike: She's a librarian , so I named her Amazon... It's
funny! LAUGH!

> the
>fabled female warrior tribe of Greek mythology;

Tom: The fabled overvalued dot-com stock of NASDAQ legend.

> anime has quite a
>few of them like Shampoo from "Ranma 1/2"

Crow: And her sisters, Conditioner and Creme Rinse.

> and A-ko (her mother is
>supposed to be Wonder Woman, herself an Amazon).
>

Tom: I wonder if DC knows about this.
Crow: Probably so, considering that they're now just a cog in
the AOL-Time-Warner-Turner behemoth.

>"New Imperial Rule Assistance Association": It wasn't until the
>militarists were in control that they attempted to form some
>political organization.

Mike: And that organization was the Casper, Wyoming, Chamber
of Commerce.

> In 1940, all political parties were
>ordered to join an organization known as the Imperial Rule
>Assistance Association.

Crow: [laughing] Hey! Now that he explains it, I gotta admit-
it IS pretty funny!

> This organization, however, was not as
>cohesive or as well-organized as the Italian Fascists or the
>German Nazis were.
>

Crow: So their purges and mass imprisoning took longer to
organize.
Tom: But they performed much better in the swimsuit portion
of WWII.

>"With a deft movement. . .pack up her briefcase": This is one of
>several references to Project A-ko I make in the story. In the
>first film, when we first meet A-ko, she wakes up late for
>school, takes off her nightshirt and races to her closet--wearing
>nothing but her panties--to grab a bra.
>

Mike: And thus we start down that torturous, slippery slope.

>"Akbar el-Salaam/Allah Akbar": "Allah Akbar" is Arabic for
>"Allah (God) is great", thus Akbar's name is an ironic pun.
>

Crow: Don't you think?
Tom: No, *Alanis*, I really *don't think!

>"Torymura Keiichi": I named him after Morisato Keiichi from "Oh!
>My Goddess"

Tom: If he were a pigeon, we could hear Keiichi Keiichi coo!
Crow: [glaring at Tom] Mike? Can I please use the stone throwing
machine again?

> and the last name is sort of a pun on "Dragon Ball"
>creator Akira Toryama.
>

Mike: What next? Is he going to name a mad scientist after
someone in "War of the Worlds"? Or name his
protagonist after the people in "Lost in Space"?
[Silence]
Crow: Mike? The people at "Farscape" did that.
Mike: Oh. Sorry.

>"Nagai Kenji": In this case, I named the Governor of Tokyo-to
>after controversial anime creator Go Nagai, responsible for
>"Shameless School",

Tom: UNLV?

> "Mazenger Z" (known as "TranZor Z" here; it
>was the first of the "transforming robot" shows); "Kekko Kamen";
>"Cutey Honey" ; "Violence Jack" and "Devilman".
>

Crow: Again, good, wholesome family entertainment.

>"Linda Lovelace": Of course, she was the star of the famous (or
>infamous, depending on your politics on the subject) pornographic
>film "Deep Throat".
>

Mike: Currently, in real life, she's the Governor of Tokyo-to.

>"Red miniskirt": That was my favorite scene from "The Lab Brat":

Tom: When everyone boarded the plane with the firing squad and
got kicked in the nads?

>Quinn showing up in her living room wearing that red miniskirt
>and trying to seduce Kevin.

Tom: Yep, nothing like some good old-fashioned underage
cartoon sex.

> I especially like the shot where you
>see Kevin and you see Quinn's back and legs. It kind of reminded
>me of that famous scene in "The Graduate" where Dustin Hoffman's
>character is seeing those legs.
>

Tom: [Kevin] Mrs. Morgendorfer, you're trying to seduce me!
Cool!
Mike: I don't ever remember seeing Dustin Hoffman on "Daria".
Crow: Perhaps they should have explained the reference at the
end of the show.
Tom: Besides, it was a very special episode.

>"Ashley Judd": In the 1998 Academy Awards, Ashley, daughter of
>Naomi Judd and sister of Wynnona Judd

Mike: [grandly] Heir to the throne of Nashville, wielder of
the fabled magic dagger "Widowmaker"...

> (I'm not going to call her
>just by that first name; there's too many one-name performers as
>it is already!)

Crow: Like Zuba! Clint! And Larry!
Mike: Yeah, I'm sick of folks with one name, or three names, or
all those wishy-washy freaks in between!

> showed up in a high-slitted dress, and everyone
>thought she wasn't wearing any underwear!
>

Mike: You know, thanks to Jennifer Lopez, that seems so naïve
and innocent now.
Tom: We hereby interrupt this story until certain people
stop giggling.

>"Larry Flint": Of course, the controversial publisher of
>"Hustler" magazine and the subject of the film "The People vs.
>Larry Flint".
>

Mike: What's depressing is that despite having the morals
and ethics of a tapeworm, this guy's somehow become
a poster boy for the first amendment.
Crow: Are we just listing random people now?

>"Gee, Commander. . .take over Lawndale": I couldn't resist
>spoofing the opening of "Pinky and the Brain"; you know, where
>Pinky asks, "Gee, Brain, what are we going to do tonight?", and
>Brain responds by saying, "The same thing we do every night,
>Pinky: TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!" NARF! ZORT!

Crow: Um, no, I don't know that. How does it go?
Tom: He's not really explaining obscure in-jokes, is he?
Just stating the blindingly obvious?
Crow: [heavy sigh] Yep.
Mike: I wonder if he ever saw the one where Brain just sat
around and did nothing for two hours until a terrorist
crashed a plane into the lab?

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>Data 2: Ms. Morgendorffer Goes to Tokyo
>
>Data title: OK, OK, I'll admit it: it's a pun on the Frank
>Capra film "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" with Jimmy Stewart.
>

Tom: Pun?
Crow: No, that other thing - a palindrome!
Tom: Oyko totseo greff rod negromsm?
Mike: Hey! No spells of summoning!

>"Since the last time. . .changed your mind": In the "R" season
>of Sailor Moon, Ami was accepted for her pre-med studies in
>Germany but changed her mind about going when the Four Sisters
>attacked an ice cream stand and tried to deep freeze some people;

Mike: Ami decided that the chance to dissect a frozen human
was just too much to pass up.

>that episode aired here as "Sailor Mercury--Moving On?"

Crow: Starring Claude Akins.

> (if you
>look very carefully when she steps out of the taxi when she
>arrives at the airport,

Tom: You'll see it's being driven by Reverend Jim.

> the main terminal is clearly marked in
>both Japanese and English as New Tokyo International Airport,

Mike: And again with the airports! What IS this?!
Crow: Maybe he just likes going there to watch the luggage
carousels.

> the
>official name for Narita Airport, which is in the town called
>Narita in Chiba-ken).
>

Tom: Chiba-Ken! And Sailor Senshi Barbie! New, from Mattel!
Crow: Is there actually a joke in there?

>"Mamoru had dumped me": Shortly after Chibi-Usa's arrival in the
>"R" season,

Tom: Viewers collapsed into seizures.

> Mamoru had an awful vision of The future Neo-Queen
>Serenity (Usagi) being attacked by the Wiseman and the Four
>Sisters

Crow: Patty, Maxene, Laverne and Fiona.

> and decided to break up with her for their safety (Usagi
>took it in her usual manner; she collapsed into a phone booth and
>cried; that has to be one of the most dramatic animated sequences
>ever made);

Mike: I think Peter's head would explode if we showed him
Bambi's mom getting shot.

> that episode aired here as "The Cosmetic Caper";

Tom: Hey look, a Max Factoid!

> they
>eventually got back together again (at least in the Japanese
>version;

Crow: In America they hooked Usagi up with Fat Albert.

> American audiences were left hanging after DIC pulled
>the plug on the show and will still be left hanging unless those
>17 extra episode they made for Canada ever get brought over
>here).
>

Crow: But you just told us, so there goes the surprise.
Mike: Someone needs to learn to use spoiler space.
Tom: So if they ever get here we should o/~ BLAME CANADA!
BLAME- o/~
[Mike stuffs a stick of celery up Tom's mouth.]
Tom: Mmbg! Ptooie! Ptooie!
Mike: Sorry, Tom. You pushed.

>"I've got small breasts":

Mike: Aw, there there, honey - you'll grow into them.

> In a recent issue of "Cracked"
>magazine, they did a spoof of "Daria" called "Duncia";

Crow: You know, when I first stepped into the theater
so many years ago, I never expected to have to
do a riff about "Cracked" magazine.
Tom: It could be worse. We might have had to make a
reference to Obnoxio the Clown.

> in the
>spoof Daria/Duncia moans that she's short and has small breasts

Mike: Like Zero Mostel?
Crow: So... it's a copy... of a spoof?
Tom: Homage, Crow. In the artistic world copying is called
homage.

>(she also complained about being drawn in the "Beavis and Butt-
>Head" style).

Mike: Even though, y'know, she's really not.
Crow: Once again, the subtle comic stylings of Sylvester
P. Smythe.
Tom: Hey, let Ralph Bakshi draw her one episode. She'll
stop griping.

> It's also a jab at the "R" episode called "Steal
>Mamoru's Kiss! Ann's Snow White Strategy"

Tom: The Snow White Strategy: Move in with seven tiny
smelly men, eat a poisoned apple, and hope for the
best.

> (which aired here as
>"Mirror, Mirror on the Wall"), where Makoto says that she
>deserves the role of Snow White because she has the biggest
>breasts of the five Sailor Senshi (DIC, bowing to stupid American
>censorship rules, recast the line so that Lita says that she
>deserves the role because she has the most talent).

Crow: Hey, it takes talent to get them that big, pal!

> OK, let's
>admit it,

All: We admit it.

> Daria does seem a bit flat-chested, but they seemed to
>give her some bust when she done herself up as Quinn towards the
>end of "Quinn the Brain" and you can see some bust on her in the
>makeovers of her as a gymnast

Crow: Thanks to those high-fat diets all those gymnasts adhere
to!

> and as a "Baywatch" lifeguard in
>the closing credits

Mike: Somewhere between Sailor Moon and Daria lies -
Obsession!
Tom: Ah, the cup size of it!

> (my personal favorite makeover: Daria in a
>60's go-go miniskirt and go-go boots).
>

Tom: My personal favorite makeover is Ortega in that Tommy
Hilfiger ensemble he got for his birthday.

>"Hamada Ieyasu": I named him after Tokugawa Ieyasu, the shogun
>who inaugurated the isolationist Tokugawa feudal period of Japan.
>

Tom: Not, as thought, after Shecky Ieyasu, the comic who
inaugurated the mother-in-law joke.

>"Hi no Tori": This is Japanese for "Phoenix" or "Firebird".

Crow: Or "Trans Am".

>It's also an in-joke on Tezuka Osamu; his great manga epic was
>called "Hi no Tori" and spanned from the ancient past to the far
>future. So far, only two parts have been made into films:

Crow: "Double Indemnity" and "Meet the Deedles".

> the
>live action "Phoenix", which covers the part of the story set in
>prehistoric Japan, and the anime "Phoenix 2772: Love's Cosmic
>Zone"

Tom: The Saturday morning cartoon version of "Love American
Style"!

> (also known as "Space Firebird"); which is set in the very
>far future.

Mike: Oooh, lemme guess - 2772?

> It's also a pun on some of the Japanese moon legends
>that inspired Takeuchi-sensei's creation of "Sailor Moon"; one
>legend states that the White Hare of Inaba stole some immortality
>pills and hid out on the moon.

Crow: Grace Slick is a Highlander?

> (Tsukino Usagi means "Moon Rabbit"
>in Japanese;

Mike: o/~ Moon Rabbit, wider than a mile... o/~
Crow: So we're gonna get a Crusader Rabbit crossover in the end
here?
Tom: Jay Ward should sue!

> most overseas versions of the show have her called
>Bunny

Crow: Ha! It's "Bunny the Empire Sailor"!

> [as well as MixxZine's translation of the manga], but DIC
>opted to call her Serena here because its derived from Selene,
>the Greek goddess of the moon).
>

Mike: Thank heavens for small favors.
Crow: She also has a goody-goody cousin named Samantha, the
goddess of goofy mortal husbands.

>"Morita Dojo": I named the dojo (or martial arts school) after
>Pat Morita, who played

Mike: -right wing for the San Jose Sharks!

> Arnold on "Happy Days" and the martial
>arts instructor on "The Karate Kid" films (he did narration on
>the historical anime film "Great Conquest: The Romance of Three
>Kingdoms").
>

Tom: Coincidentally, it's next door to the "Molinaro Dojo"

>"Heated dinner table/rice cooker": These are two uniquely
>Japanese items that almost every house or apartment have there;
>it's a joke on the old American political promise of "A chicken
>in every pot".

Crow: Jokes. Really, if you don't know what they are...
Mike: And Four More Crosses of Gold in Every Teapot Dome.
Tom: You failed US History in High School, didn't you, Nelson?
Mike: Uh - yeah.

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>Data 3: Enter Sailor Misery Chick
>

Mike: One of Metallica's lesser known songs.

>"Magami Eiko": Another "Project A-ko" reference.

Tom: And I was sure that was an allusion to "Pride and
Predjudice"!

> Unfortunately,
>A-ko has the same habit of waking up late for school as Usagi
>does;

Mike: Man, by these criteria, I should have my own television
show.
Crow: Right Mike. As if!

> however, she does have the advantage of having superhuman
>speed (much to C-ko's consternation!).
>

Tom: So in other word's, she's coocoo over A-ko's puffs.
Mike: Ouch!

>"Ms. S": I admit this was a carryover from the American version
>of "Sailor Moon".

Crow: Well see that it doesn't happen again!

> In that version, the girls' junior high school
>English teacher is called Patricia Haruna, and Serena calls her
>"Ms. H".
>

Mike: Because calling her "Ms. W" would have just been silly
and confusing.

>"Duke Nukem 3D": In this videogame, Duke, the hero, has as one
>of his weapons a "Freezethrower", which shoots freezing water and
>turns any foe to ice; then you can go up to the creep and kick
>him to ice cubes. Daria had this in mind when she froze the
>crooks.
>

Tom: And, as we all know, Daria *loves* those ultra
violent video games.
Crow: At least she's not a wrestling fan in this one,
unlike other stores we could mention.
Mike: Foreshadowing! A sign of valid, substantive
literature. Buckley is a wimpy putz.

>"Your face, your ass, what's the difference!": Duke actually
>says that in the game.
>

Mike: Right after "Alas, poor Yorrick- I knew him, Horatio."

>"Bob Schulz": This person, who lives in Fort Ann, New York,

Crow: Fort Ann! The military complex that's not afraid of
its feminine side!

>heads the All-County Taxpayers' Association.

Tom: The fiend!

> He's been known to
>file various frivolous lawsuits against New York State to stop
>various government projects because he feels that all his tax
>money's being funneled to New York City (which is a complete lie,
>by the way).

Crow: That's right - all of Bob's tax money is being funneled
to Schenectady!

> Interesting Howard Stern trivia:

Tom: [mumbling] That's an oxymoron.

> Schulz was chosen
>to be the Libertarian Party candidate for Governor of New York
>State in 1994 after Stern dropped out because he wouldn't reveal
>his tax returns.

Tom: Yes, the man asks women to show their breasts on TV,
but steal a peek at his 1040 Schedule A and he'll scream
like Fay Wray!
Mike: I'm impressed. I thought for sure that you'd go off
on another rant about the Gallatinists.
Tom: Heck, Mike. Even that well runs dry after a while.
Besides, this would be a much better place for a
Howard Roarke quote...
Mike: Nevermind.

> In 1997, Schulz led an unsuccessful campaign to
>hold a constitutional convention in New York State; if he had it
>his way, welfare would be abolished and the Adirondack Park
>opened to clear-cut logging

Crow: Our national resources are precious - so squeeze every
last nickel out of them you can!
Mike: And that's is why I give him this platform to advertise
his views!

> (as well as New York City and Long
>Island being left crippled financially so as to save Schulz's
>precious Upstate way of life).

Mike: And New York City being crippled financially is a bad
thing for the rest of us because...?
Crow: Geez, Mike.
Mike: Guys, I'm from Wisconsin. You really have no idea how
much the rest of the country truly despises New York
City.
Tom: Mike, stop explaining your jokes so I can hear Guerin
explain his jokes so I can hate him!

> He also has his own radio talk
>show which originates from AM 590 WROW in Albany, New York;

Mike: I can't emphasize enough how much you should NOT listen
to THE BOB SCHULTZ SHOW on AM 590, weekdays from 4 to 6!
Crow: The station staffed by hot babes - WROW!

> I
>don't know if its syndicated or not, but at least he has
>something else in common with Stern:

Mike: A circulatory system in which red blood cells carry oxygen!

> both shows should be banned
>by the FCC for having obscene materiel in them.

Tom: So in short, obscene material is bad. We now return you
to Daria's breasts, already in progress.
Mike: And parents! Don't forget to protect your children from
THE BOB SCHULTZ SHOW, today at 4! Make sure your AM
dial isn't set to AM 590!

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>Data 4: Jihad at 25,000 Feet
>
>Data title: This is a pun on the "Terror at 25,000 Feet" episode
>of "The Twilight Zone"; that episode had William Shatner (later
>to play Capt. James T. Kirk on the original "Star Trek")

Crow: Too bad it's not better known - that could have really
boosted his career before he landed the lead on "Barbary
Coast".
Mike: [Shatner] Next . . . on . . . Over Explanation 9 - 1 - 1.

> as a
>passenger who thinks he sees a gremlin wrecking the plane he's
>traveling on; everyone else, of course, thinks he's nuts.
>

Mike: A - a gremlin?
Tom: IT AIN'T VENDELL VILKIE!!!!

>Yosof Islam/Cat Stevens: In 1979, Cat Stevens, whose "Morning
>Has Broken" was his biggest hit,

Crow: Off the album, "Teaser and the Firecat Sing That
Annoying Damn Song That Sounds Like A Smurf On Acid"

> retired from music when he fully
>converted to Islam and adopted his present name;

Tom: But he still wants to know o/~ where do the children
playayayay...o/~
Crow: You need help, Servo!

> unfortunately he
>took a lot of heat for taking Khomeini's side in the controversy
>surrounding Salman Rushdie, whose novel "The Satanic Verses" was
>condemned by Khomeini as being blasphemous to Islam.

Mike: Yeah, it's a real shame the tiny little fact that he
advocated killing someone over what they wrote hurt
his career!

> Recently,
>Islam cut a new album

Tom: The religion? It's back in the studio? Cool!

> whose proceeds are to go to Islamic
>children in the former Yugoslavia who have been ravaged by the
>ethnic warfare there.
>
Crow: [Cat] I'm here to heal the sectarian violence and bring
people of all factions together to - HEY!!! GET YOUR
GRUBBY PAWS OFF THOSE SUPPLIES, YOU STINKING NO-GOOD
NON-ISLAMIC BRATS!!!!

>"Asahi TV": This was the network in Japan that "Sailor Moon"
>originally aired on!

Mike: And a shout out to all my homies at Asahi TV!

> It was also the home of "Dragon Ball"; if
>you look very carefully during the episodes of "Dragon Ball Z"
>during the big fight between the Earth Special Forces and the
>Sayans,

Tom: You'll see Saiyen's head go back and to the left... back
and to the left... back and to the left...

> the camera crew has "AHO" on the backs of their jackets;
>this stands for the Japanese name for "Asahi Broadcasting
>Corporation".

Crow: [to Tom] See, I told you they weren't just labeling
the prostitutes.

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>Data 5: The NIRAA Strikes!
>

Mike: Picket lines form across Japan as the nation's terrorists
go on strike for better wages!

>"gaijin-shojo": "gaijin" is Japanese for "foreigner", while
>"shojo" is Japanese for girl; thus Gen. Torymura is calling Daria
>a "foreign-girl".
>

Crow: Which - technically - I guess she is.

>"HUD": This technical term stands of "Head-Up Display".

Tom: Now personally, I wouldn't have waited for the
appendix to explain this.
Mike: I kept thinking it was a Paul Newman reference or
something.

> This
>device is essentially a transparent computer monitor inside the
>cockpit which serves as a targeting mechanism for both machine
>guns and missiles for most jet fighters.

Tom: It'll be available for Playstation and N64 this fall.

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>Data 6: Enter the Solar Warrior
>
>"Ty Cobb": There's been some controversy surrounding this song
>from Soundgarden, which appeared on their final album, 1996's
>"Down on the Upside". Some fans feel that the song is about the
>infamous Detroit Tigers outfielder who had a reputation for
>brawling

Crow: Some call it a reputation. I, call it a commitment!

> (this was depicted rather well in the 1994 film "Cobb",
>with Tommy Lee Jones playing the title role). The band was
>rather loud in its insistence that the song has nothing to do
>with him, but I feel that it does.

Crow: Clue number one: the song is named "Ty Cobb"!
Mike: Yeah, but he's just a metaphor for Roberto Alomar.

> Besides, I keep having a
>recurring nightmare where Ty Cobb is chasing me with a big
>baseball bat while screaming "FUCK YOU! I'M GOING TO BEAT YOUR
>BRAINS OUT WITH MY BAT!" There might be some deep Freudian
>meaning to all this,

Mike: Or it might simply mean that Ty Cobb is haunting Mr.
Guerin.

> but I'll leave it to you amateur
>psychoanalysts to figure it out.
>

Tom: And please, be generous when calculating your
billing hours. The SoL HMO has a very generous
psychological compensation package.

>"Apocalypse Now/The End/Ride of the Valkyries": Of course, in
>Francis Ford Coppola's famed 1979 film, The Door's song "The End"
>(which, co-incidentally, is the final song on their 1967 debut
>album) figured prominently in the plot, as well as Richard
>Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" from his opera "Das Valkyrie"
>from his "Ring of the Nibelung" tetralogy, which played in the
>film's famous scene of a Vietnam village being hit with napalm
>(and Robert Duvall's character saying "God, how I love the smell
>of burning napalm in the morning!", which I lampoon in my first
>Tokyo bombing scene).

Tom: Y'know, it's amazing.
Mike: What is?
Tom: That sentence is jam packed with all kinds of information,
yet I find I don't really give a rat's rump about any of it.
Mike: That certainly is something, all right.

> I remember when PBS aired the entire
>"Ring" tetralogy in 1990, and my mother watched the whole damn
>thing; she drove me nuts with her singing all week!

Crow: So now you're taking it out on us?!?
Mike: She's an alto and she kept singing all the bass
parts! She was completely out her of key!

> I was
>tempted to buy a T-shirt that said "I survived 'The Ring
>Tetralogy!'"
>

Crow: Isn't surviving the Ring Tetralogy the next to the last
step in SEAL training?
Tom: You should be tempted to sell "I Survived 'Misreading
Foghorn Helpless Durango'"! You'd make millions!
[Mike looks at Tom.]
Tom: Well, I'd buy one.

>"Cornhulio": In "Beavis and Butt-Head" (where Daria originated),
>whenever Beavis ate too much sugar, he pulled his shirt over his
>head, went spastic, shook his fists and went "AAAAAAAAA! I AM
>THE GREAT CORNHULIO! YOU WILL GIVE ME TEE PEE FOR MY BUNG HOLE!"

Mike: It really sounds better in the original Greek.

>It just made him more stupid than he already was.

Tom: And for once, Pete & I are in complete agreement.

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>Data 7: Black Saturday at Lawndale
>
>Data Title: This is a double pun. It's a pun on the titles of
>two films: the Western "Bad Day at Black Rock" and the disaster
>film "Black Sunday"

Tom: Black Sunday! The heartwarming story of Jesse Helm's
efforts to reduce Black History Month to a single day!

> (Which I make reference to later on).
>

Mike: You know, I had a dream where Babe Ruth is chasing
me around with a blimp and threatening to beat my
brains in. What do you suppose that means?
Crow: That you crave sex.
Mike: What?!?
Crow: Hey, you don't like the interpretation, dig up Sigmund
Freud and have it out with him.

>"Jesse began to strum. . .'Peace, dudes!'': Mystik Spiral's
>performance of the National Anthem was inspired from Jimi
>Hendrix's legendary performance of that song at the original
>Woodstock concert of 1969.

Crow: So scuse me while I kiss this guy. *kissing noises*
Mike: Crow! Geez! Cut it out, willya?

> Well, almost; in Hendrix's version,
>after "Gave proof through the night/That our flag was still
>there", he played "Taps".
>

Mike: Then he launched into "The Girl From Ipanema". Jimi was
using some really expensive drugs.

>"Two-Face": Anyone who's read the Golden Age "Batman" stories
>can tell you that Two-Face's lucky coin is a double-obverse 1922
>Peace Dollar; in the original comic book storyline, DA Harvey
>Dent was using that as evidence to convict a gangster;

Crow: The charge - fixing high school football coin tosses!

> the
>gangster, however, splashed acid on Dent's face, scarring it up.

Mike: In fact, it was so scarred that it changed him from
looking like Billy Dee Williams to looking like Tommy
Lee Jones.
Crow: Ty Cobb.
Tom: Whatever!

>While recovering at the hospital, Dent scratched one side of the
>coin up, and then used it to make major decisions when he
>embarked on his criminal career.
>

Tom: And that same coin is still being used by Ross Perot
today.
Mike: Oh, now he's just explaining things that were already
explained!

>"'Sailor Moon' fan subbed video sale": This is a bit of an in-
>joke on an in-joke.

Crow: That's right! The person running the sale is the same
girl that stole Mike's keyboard!
Mike: [mumbling] I thought she looked familiar.

> In the original Japanese version of "Sailor
>Moon", sometimes you can see storefronts selling merchandise for
>other anime, especially "Magic Knight Rayearth".

Tom: Known in this country as "Everybody Loves Rayearth".

> One episode was
>even set at an amusement park where one of the attractions was a
>stage show where the hero looked suspiciously like one of the
>members of the famed "sentai" show "Go Renjaa" ("Mighty Morphin'
>Power Rangers" to you).
>

Tom: To me?
Crow: Um, no, I think he meant to me.

>"Surge Cola Stadium": This is my big "Up yours!"

Tom: Yes. Stick it to the man. Whoo.

> to the recent
>trend of corporations plastering their names all over sports
>facilities (you know, Coors Field, Pepsi Arena, Fleet Center,
>General Motors Place, etc.).

Mike: They really did go too far when they built Nix Lice
Removal Formula Stadium.

> If they ever rename Yankee Stadium
>"Con Ed Stadium" or Nassau County Veterans Memorial Coliseum
>"Northrup Grumman Arena" or even the Glens Falls Civic Center
>"Finch Pruyn Arena", I'm taking the next shuttle flight to Mars!
>

Crow: Okay, guys. We have to keep him away from Denver's
new "Taco Bell's Nummy Gorditas Stadium". Okay?
Mike: Agreed.

>"Gabrielle": C'mon, let's admit it,

All: We admit it.

> doesn't Quinn look very much
>like Xena's sidekick, played by Renee O'Connor?

Mike: Except for one of them being two-dimensional, of course.
Tom: Mike, I think that Renee is a damn good actress...

> It has to be the
>hairstyle and the bare midriff.

Tom: They look exactly alike. Well, except for the little
detail of them not looking anything alike.

> I just got hooked on both
>"Hercules" and "Xena" recently, and I've got a big-time crush on
>Gabrielle!
>

Crow: I'm picking up roundabout hints that *someone* has a
thing for Gabby.

>"Chiller": When I was growing up in the suburban West End of
>Suffolk County on Long Island,

Tom: [Sun Jerk] Where I was born to one of the most powerful
families of the nobility; we ruled what we had called
the Planetary Province of Terra, what you call Earth.

> one of the channels we got was
>WPIX-TV out of New York City (it's now called the WB 11).

Crow: "Wbii"? Is that one of the teletubbies or something?

> One of
>the regular shows it had in the 1970's was a Saturday afternoon

Tom: 70's? Pete? No wonder...

>(I think, please correct me if I'm wrong)

All: You're Wrong!

> movie show called
>"Chiller Theater". The show began just as I described it:

Mike: Nothing happens for an hour, then planes start
crashing and shooting and bombing and...

> the
>hand coming out of a pool of blood, setting out the letters that
>spelled the name of the show, and an eerie voice saying the name
>of the show as the hand went back into the pool of blood. That
>gave me big-time nightmares.
>

Crow: What was *really* odd was that they usually showed
Three Stooges shorts for two hours.

>"Leda: The Fantastic Adventure of Yohko": This is one of my
>all-time favorite anime. It's about a teenage schoolgirl who
>writes a song expressing her love for this guy,

Mike: [girl] o/~ Hit me baby, one more time! o/~

> but then she
>winds up in a parallel universe and has to stop an invasion of
>our world.

Mike: Oddly, that's also the plot to "Sleepless in Seattle 2".

> It's pretty well-done, though in the dubbed version
>everyone has British accents,

Crow: Well, seems appropriate, seeing as how everything else
that's British has been transplanted to Japan.
Tom: And there's no animation and Gwenyth Paltrow keeps
kissing this grungy-looking playwright.

> and in the video I got from The
>Right Stuf International,

Tom: A division of TomWolfeCo, Incorprated.

> the trailer that followed the film was
>better-looking than the actual film (it didn't seem as dated or
>worn out).
>
>"Daria had the sensation. . .grab a bra": Another homage to that
>scene from the first "Project A-ko" film, I must confess!
>

Mike: Must you?
Tom: He must, Mike - he must!
Crow: After all, we never would have noticed it if he didn't
point it out.

>"Now I know. . .'Kubla Kahn'": Colleridge was inspired to write
>his poem when he had an opium-induced dream. However, he was
>interrupted by an insurance salesman, lost his train of thought,
>and never got a chance to finish it.
>

Tom: "And I said, 'Forget the albatross, it doesn't signify.'
And he said, 'I'll decide if the bloody thing signifies!'"

>"Black Sunday/The Hindenburger":

Tom: Yeah, I'll have a Hindenburger, medium, with no tomato,
please.
Mike: Sorry, sir, all Hindenburgers come extra extra extra
well done.

> Both films deal with airships.
>"Black Sunday", which came out in 1977 was about a demented war
>veteran who steals a blimp and tries to fly it to the Super Bowl
>in Miami; he intends to kill some spectators by using a dart gun;

Mike: Which is rather like hijacking the QE2 to throw rocks at
your neighbor, but what the heck?
Tom: Okay, did everyone in the movie industry during the 70's
use LSD when writing movie scripts?

>a Middle-Eastern anti-terrorist agent vows to stop him. The film
>stars Bruce Dern and Robert Shaw.

Crow: This was no blimping accident!

> "The Hindenburg" (I
>mispronounced it because that's what Beavis and Butt-Head
>probably would have done;

Tom: Oh, Pete's got one of those "WWB&BD?" bracelets.

> however, I do remember seeing a parody
>called "The Hindenburger" on a Brit-com I only saw once in my
>entire life;

Tom: [moaning] Oh for crying out- he's just free-associating
now!
Crow: We're doomed! This'll never end! I'll never see my
loved ones again!
Mike: Actually, Crow, we're right here.
Crow: Huh?
Mike: Us? Your loved ones? On your left?
Crow: Oh. Oh! Well, yeah, you guys are... pretty good.

> I think it was called "Grandma's Television Station"
>or something like that.

Tom: Oh, CBS!
Mike: Boy, I can imagine what *my* grandma's television station
would be like - 24 hours of old Lawrence Welk shows,
"Matlock" reruns and "A Current Affair".

> If you remember that series, e-mail me,
>please!)

Crow: Jeez, this guy is just begging for e-mail.

> was a 1975 film with Gig Young, George C. Scott,

Tom: [Patton] I'm going to Lawndale to personally shoot that
militia-leading sunnuvabitch!

> Anne
>Bancroft, Rene Auberjonis

Mike: Ah. There's the Star Trek crossover. I knew it would pop
up eventually.

> and Burgess Meredith;

Crow: [Penguin] Come along, my fine feathered felons,
waugh-waugh-waugh!!

> it was about the
>1937 disaster involving the explosion of the famed German
>dirigible.

Crow: Really? I thought it was a light-hearted romp about a
young career girl and her pet macaque.
Mike: Well, the title *is* a bit ambiguous.

> Believe it or not, the film got roasted on an episode
>of the 1987 animated series, "Beverly Hills Teens", called
>"Miracle at the Teen Club".

Tom: "Beverly Hills Teens" - second only to "Upright Citizen's
Brigade" for biting satire!

> It was essentially a retelling of
>Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" with the teens in the
>various roles; Buck Huckster was Scrooge and Pierce Thorndyke III
>was Marley. Pierce said, "We are going to look back at your life
>to see how became a miser!" Buck said, "Bah, Hindenburg!"
>Pierce says back "No! We're not going to see that film!"

Tom: Wow. They really stuck it to them, all right. I bet
the director just hung his head in shame when he saw
that 1987 Saturday morning cartoon.

> Rumor
>has it that a new film version is in the works of "The
>Hindenburg".

Mike: According to the internet, it either stars Leonardo
DiCaprio or it's being penned by James Cameron. Or both!

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>Data 8: Ami Joins the Free Lawndalers
>

Crow: Ami joins the Freeloaders? Sounds more like an Usagi
kind of deal.

>"American rules football player": Since Ami is Japanese, I had
>to distinguish our game of football from soccer, which the rest
>of the world calls "football"

Crow: Those bastards. Stealing the name of our sport.
Tom: Yeah, why can't they just call it "kickball" like it's
supposed to be?

> and even from the Canadian and
>Australian variants of the game. That's where the Australian
>version bails me out. They call it "Australian rules football",
>so I call ours "American rules football".
>

Tom: o/~ Are you ready for some American rules football? o/~

>"Burkina Faso": One of my favorite countries with unusual names;

Mike: Next to "Nummynummyland" and "Chucklevania".

>it used to be called Upper Volta and is in Africa. The name
>change was made in 1984 after a military coup; in the native
>tongue it means "the land of the upright men".
>

Tom: Postureland!

>"M*A*S*H": OK, OK, it's a visual joke;

Mike: In a text story.
Crow: Sad, really

> I used the asterisks like
>they did for the classic TV series with Alan Alda and Jamie Farr.
>Just be lucky I didn't throw in the theme song "Suicide is
>Painless".
>

Crow: Yeah, because no one likes that song.
Tom: Plus the readers might have gotten ideas.

>"She could see Daria. . .snatched Trent from Daria": This is a
>satire on the scene from the "Sailor Moon" episode that aired
>here under the title "The Past Returns", which told how Queen
>Beryl destroyed the Moon Kingdom.
>

Tom: She pulled its pants back up. [pause] See, it was a
*moon* kingdom and...
Crow: We get it, Servo. We just don't care.
Tom: [muttering] Hmph! Fine, *don't* appreciate an artist...

>"Kunzite":

Tom: What you say when you meet "Ieyasu"! Ha!

> The original Japanese name is used here, he's called
>Malachite here in the U.S.

Mike: [documentary narrator] Tons of raw Kunzite are needed
in order to process a single kilogram of Malachite.

> and in the original Japanese version
>was homosexual (he had a thing for Zoisite, who was a guy in the
>Japanese version; DIC got around that by recasting Zoycite as a
>woman).
>

Crow: Sure, that's okay for Zoycite, but what about Zoisite?
Tom: For the remainder of the show, the part of Jet Li will
be played by Winona Ryder.

>"Who watches the watchmen?":

Tom: No one, unless Gilliam actually gets off his butt and
makes the movie!

> The Latin saying can be translated
>like that, though "Who will guard the guards?" or "Who will keep
>the keepers themselves?" might be better. I chose the
>translation that I used because it makes reference to the DC
>Comics mini-series "The Watchmen", and that was used as their
>advertising slogan.
>

Mike: Pete wisely chose to omit the bloody smiley face button.

>"Somehow, there were. . .Those bastards!"; An all too obvious
>reference to Comedy Central's controversial animated series
>"South Park", where Kenny gets killed in every episode and Kyle
>expresses his shock over his death.
>

Mike: [Parker] Dude! If it was funny the first time, it'll
still be funny the 12,000th time!
Crow: [Stone] Dude, totally!

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>
>Data 9: The Neo-Zero Attacks!
>

Crow: ARRGH!! This is never going to end!

>"Gojira": I decided to use the original Japanese name for
>Godzilla here.
>

Crow: Actually, not many people know his real name is Melvin
J. Godzilberg III. He changed it for the movies.
Tom: I hear Emmerich made him change it.

>"Tokyo Tower": At over one thousand feet, Tokyo Tower, which is
>a TV transmitter,

Mike: ...Still couldn't carry ABC during the Time Warner-Disney
hubbub.

> is one of the most familiar sights in Tokyo and
>is the city's (and Japan's) tallest structure.

Crow: Unless Manute Bol is in town for an NBA exhibition game.
Tom: The next tallest? "Lum"!
Mike: "Lum"?

> There is an
>observation deck about half-way up and school field trips often
>go there (in "Magic Knight Rayearth", Hikaru, Fuu and Umi first
>meet there as their respective schools were having field trips
>there).

Tom: Sounds like The Tower is the happenin' place to be!

> It's seen quite often in anime; you can see it in the
>background in many scenes of "Sailor Moon".
>

Mike: At least in the 3 minutes of the show not given over to
transformation sequences.

>"IFF device": This is short for "Identify-Friend-or-Foe" device.
>This device helps most jet fighters know what's a friendly craft
>from an enemy one.

Crow: Generally, the enemy planes are the ones shooting at you.

> A similar device is found on radar for
>civilian air traffic control; it identifies what carrier and what
>flight the particular plane is.
>

Mike: [controller] Unidentified blip in Grid 4, sector c,
please identify yourself, over.
Tom: [Yerko] SEE YOU IN THE PILOTS' LOUNGE, YOU BASTARDS!!!!
Mike: [controller] Roger that, Neo Airlines Flight 666. Please
turn to heading two-one-niner and attack runway 4, over.

>"Grumman F-14A Tomcats": Being from Long Island originally,

Crow: I can't drink iced tea without gettin' drunk!

> and
>having relatives who once worked for Grumman (now known as
>Northrup Grumman),

Tom: They finally gave up on that ridiculous unpronounceable
symbol.
Mike: Good. I was tired of calling them "The Defense Contractor
Formerly Known As Grumman".

> I'm proud to include this fine jet fighter in
>this story.

Tom: This portion of "The Neo Mugwump Dairy Queen Loop-de-loop"
is sponsored by Grumman Aircraft, and by Kellogg's!

> The fighter's logo is an alleycat in a boxing ring,
>with the motto "Anytime, baby. . .!" below that.

Tom: Even 3:28 in the morning?
Mike: Yep.
Crow: A quarter past 7:00 PM?
Mike: Yep.
Tom: Howdy-Doody Time?
Mike: Yep.
Crow: What about that infinitesimal moment between realizing
that you've run over the edge of a cliff and the point
where you actually start to fall?
Mike: Yep.
Tom: Boy, they're good!

> Grumman, which
>was based in Bethpage in Nassau County, also made the F6F Hellcat
>during World War II, which proved to be more than a match for
>Japan's Mitsubishi A6M Zero.

Crow: And in response to recent developments, look for the new
Grumman Neo-Hellcat at finer arms bazaars and "Daria"
fanfics near you!

> The company also made the Apollo
>Lunar Module and the ill-fated Flixible buses the didn't fare too
>well in New York City

Tom: They had a press conference announcing their separation
without telling their wives.

> (it also made the current version of the U.
>S. Postal Service truck).
>

Mike: So if a jet company makes mail trucks, why does it take a
month to get my money-back rebate from Proctor & Gamble?

>"Moonlight Knight/Furuhata Motoki": After the Dark Kingdom was
>destroyed, Mamoru lost all knowledge of being Tuxedo Mask

Mike: He became a hat check girl at that Italian place over
on Oak Street.

> (much
>like the Sailor Senshi lost all knowledge of who they were).

Crow: Then one day, he ran across some old photos of him and
the Senshi at the Millennium Moon Steak'n'Shake, and it
all came back to him.

>However, when Ail and Ann arrived, he adopted the disguise of
>Moonlight Knight;

Mike: Translation: He did it to impress girls.
Tom: [Val Kilmer] It's the car, right? Chicks dig the car.

> only later on when he realized that the Sailor
>Senshi were indeed back did he revert to his old Tuxedo Mask
>identity, only to give that up temporarily when he dumped Usagi
>at the start of the Four Sisters incident, only to resume that
>later on in that storyline and for the other three seasons of the
>series.

Tom: [announcer] And what of John's love for Mary?

> Motoki was called Andrew in the American version and was
>a friend of Mamoru, Usagi and the others (Usagi and Makoto once
>had big-time crushes on him).
>

Tom: On Who?
Mike: Ummmmm...
Crow: That's it - I've officially lost any shred of knowledge
or insight I might have had about this story.

>"The Monks":

Crow: o/~ Hey Hey we're the Monks, and people say we monk
around. o/~

> The Monks were five American ex-servicemen who were
>living in Germany; they were originally formed as The Five
>Torquays in 1961.

Crow: With the hit song, "I'm Torquay, You're OK!"

> In 1965, the line-up was more or less set, and
>they adopted their outfit of all-black clothing, rope neckties
>and tonsured heads (shaved partially bald).

Mike: Sounds like the Chris Gaines Five.

> The band consisted
>of: Gary Burger (vocals, guitar);

Crow: I could go for a nice juicy Garyburger right about now.

> Dave Day (electric banjo);

Mike: With Johnny Jenson, diesel harmonica!
Crow: Pete Perkins, steam ukulele!
Tom: And Walter Ward, anti-matter pipe organ!

>Eddie Shaw (bass);

Tom: Maria Von Trapp (acoustic nun)
Crow: Mickey Dolenz (smiles while studio musicians play his
parts)

> Larry Clark (organ) and Roger Johnston
>(drums). Their only album was released in 1966 and is called
>"Black Monk Time".

Mike: [announcer] At the tone, it will be exactly 5:15 PM,
Black Monk Daylight Savings Time.

> It includes the songs "Monk Time"; "Boys are
>Boys and Girls are Choice";

Crow: And never the twain shall meet.

> "I Hate You"; "Complication";

Crow: "The Peppermint Twist"...
Mike: "Sister Mary Elephant"...
Tom: "Pass De Duche 'Pon De Left Hand Side".

> "Love
>Came Tumblin' Down"

Tom: o/~ Daria fit the battle of Yoriko, Yoriko, Yoriko!
Daria fit the battle of Yoriko, and love came tumblin'
down! o/~

> and "Oh How to Do Now". Until 1997, the
>album was available only as an import item from Polydor Records;

Mike: After that, it was only available on 8-Track and
Reel-to-Reel on "What The Hell Is This?" Music.

>in that year, American Recording's Infinite Zero Archive label
>got the domestic rights to the album and reissued it;

Crow: There was a big court battle. Infinite Zero lost.

> it includes
>seven additional tracks,

Mike: All band arguments about chord progression.

> including four rare A and B sides, a
>live track and two demos.

Tom: Plus Gary Burger burping "Louie Louie".

> If you can, find this album; it's
>pretty good and is still ahead of its time despite being released
>over thirty years ago.
>

Crow: That's true, you guys. That super group, "The Dark Abbots",
*totally* ripped them off!

>"The Hindenburg":

Tom: Haven't we already done "The Hindenburg"?
Crow: Yep.
Tom: Great. If the author can't even keep up with all this,
what hope do *we* have?

> This scene is a parody of a part of the Beavis
>and Butt-Head book "This Book Sucks!"

Mike: I wonder why Judge didn't call it "MTV Bungwipe Insipid
Laugh Nachos"?

> Co-incidentally, if you
>look very carefully inside Daria's locker, she's got a picture of
>the disaster inside the door.
>

Mike: For Daria, it's an inspirational poster.
Crow: She's got a picture of "Battlefield Earth"?
Mike: Wrong disaster, Crow.

>"Tom Anderson": He was the old neighbor that Beavis and Butt-
>Head kept harassing. He, like Beavis and Butt-Head, was voiced
>by creator Mike Judge (co-incidentally, he sounds much like Hank
>Hill from Judge's "King of the Hill" series on Fox).

Tom: At least he did until he was brutally murdered earlier in
the story!

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>Data 10: The Truth About Amazana Yoriko
>
>Data Title: This is a parody of "The Truth of Bashtarlle"
>episode of the "Giant Robo" OAV series.
>

Crow: That's where Janeane Garofalo gets Uma Thurman to
pretend to be a giant robot.

>"Dr. Vander Helffen looked at Daria. . .story of my life": This
>scene is a satire of the passage from George Orwell's "1984"

Mike: And it's almost word-for-word.

>where O'Brien grills Winston Smith in the torture room of the
>Ministry of Love.

Tom: After basting him in a special honey-lemon cilantro
sauce!

> Take it from me, Dr. Vander Helffen would
>believe that two and two equals five if that could advance his
>arguments.
>

Crow: He would?
Mike: Pete said he would, so I guess so.
Crow: Ah.
Tom: Yeah, that one-hundred-twenty-nine page section where
Helffen gives his interminably uninteresting and
implausible origin story sure is on par with Winston
and O'Brien's challenging tête-à-tête on the
suppression of free political thought!
Crow: Yeah, and Mike? Do you remember when you forgot I
was electric, and threw me into the bathtub? Exactly
like the runway scene in "Casablanca"! I swear!

>"Master Kung": The actual Chinese name of Confucius is Kung Fu-
>tzu; Confucius is the Latinized rendition of that name. He is
>always called Master Kung by East Asian persons.
>

Mike: In West Asia, they call him Pardner Kung.

>"Ultra Soldier": This is a parody of the "Super Soldier" formula
>used to create Captain America.
>

Tom: Turns out Usagi was trapped in an iceberg and revived by
Tony Stark 40 years later.

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>Data 11: The Solar Warrior's Origins
>

Crow: This is a parody of the sun.
Tom: "The Sun": A large mass of incandescent gas. A gigantic
nuclear furnace around which the earth orbits.

>"Terra": Anyone who's a die-hard Trekkie will know that Terra is
>the technical catalog name for Earth

Mike: Or the code name of Tara Markov. One of the two.

> (like Sol is the technical
>catalog name for the Sun);

Crow: Actually, "Sol" is the technical name for the guy that
runs the deli on the corner of Rosemont and 22nd.
Tom: Oooh, I've been there! I love his Reubens!
Crow: Ask Sol for his special mustard next time - it's great!

> the names are used by alien races in
>the Federation.
>
>"Mecha-Dominion": This is a double parody. It makes fun of two
>"Star Trek" adversaries: the Borg from "Next Generation" and the
>Dominion of "Deep Space Nine".
>
>"The needle!

Crow: On the record!

> The needle!

Crow: On the record!

> THE NEEDLE!

Crow: ON THE RECORD!

> THE NEEDLE!":

Crow: ON THE RECORD WHEN THE DRUM BEAT GOES LIKE THIS!

> In "Beavis
>and Butt-Head", whenever the subject of capital punishment was
>brought up, Beavis began to say "The chair! The chair! THE
>CHAIR! THE CHAIR!"

Mike: But no one heard, not even the chair.

> But since in most states electrocution had
>been replaced by lethal injection, I decided to update Beavis's
>schtick.

Tom: [Peter] I though about having him say "The noose! The
noose! THE NOOSE!" Since hanging is current form of
capital punishment in Japan where much of this story
takes place; beacuse Japan (founded in 10 BC by Jimmy
Tennudo after mixing some mud with a spear) is a much
cooler country than other countries and it's less violent
and is much more religiously tolerant - except for the
times when Japan isn't -
Mike: Stop. Please.
Tom: Sorry.

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>Data 12: A Desperate Teleportation
>
>"Three sliders Scotty always used":

Mike: Actually, at this point, I'd welcome a "Star Trek/Sliders"
crossover story as a return to sanity.

> On the original "Star Trek"
>series, when Scotty activated the transporter, he used three
>sliding control bars that started the teleportation sequence.

Crow: This was the signal for the special effects department
to make with the aluminum flakes.
>This was retained in the movies and in the three other TV series
>by a series of three touch-sensitive buttons that Chief O'Brien
>or whoever is in charge of the transporters slid their fingers
>over.
>

Crow: Which is signal for the special effects department to
make with the CGI.

>"How dare you interrupt . . .introductory speech": Whenever
>Sailor Moon and/or the Sailor Senshi arrive to kick bad guy ass,
>they always make an introductory speech.

Crow: And the bad guys just stand there and listen to it?
Tom: Criminals are a cowardly, superstitious, and easily
bamboozled lot!

> The best example is in
>the episode "Steal Mamoru's Kiss! Ann's Snow White Strategy"
>(aired here as "Mirror, Mirror on the Wall"), where some
>appropriate background scenes are rendered (my favorite, Sailor
>Venus against a rendition of the famed painting "The Birth of
>Venus").

Mike: Goddess of love that she is.

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>Data 13: Crush! Kill! Destroy!, or the Battle of Lawndale
>
>Data title: I was inspired for the title of this data from the
>"Revolt of the Androids" episode of "Lost in Space" where the
>Robinsons and Dr. Smith face a killer robot named IDAK; he kept
>saying "Crush! Kill! Destroy!"

Crow: Well, at least he wasn't inspired by the episode with
the giant killer vegetables.

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>Data 14: Corlew's Last Stand
>
>Data title: This is a pun on "Custer's Last Stand".
>

Tom: [exasperated] For crying out loud, Guerin, it's not a
pun, it's a parody! A satire! A lampoon! *Not* a pun!

>"Lorena Bobbitt/John Wayne Bobbitt": In the famed 1993 incident,
>Mr. Bobbitt had his penis cut off by his wife.
>

Crow: Thus giving a whole new meaning to the term, "A weenie to go"!
Tom: Now *THAT'S* a pun!

>"St. Eligius": He's the patron saint of metalworkers; his name
>is also on the Boston hospital that served as the locale for the
>TV series "St. Elsewhere".
>

Tom: Maybe this whole story is just some kid looking in a
snowglobe somewhere then.
Crow: But if it is, that means one of us may be Howie Mandel.
All: Ugh!

>"The force of the kick. . .Uncle Phil went the same way!": This
>is a satire on the climatic scene of the film "The Naked Gun:
>From the Files of 'Police Squad!'"

Crow: So this part is a satire of a satire.
Mike: Meaning that, what, it's a serious dramatic scene?
Tom: Leslie Neilsen *IS* "MacBeth"!

> In that film, Lt. Drebin had
>just thwarted Ludwig's plot to kill Queen Elizabeth II by using a
>brainwashed Reggie Jackson and had pursued him to the top of
>Dodger Stadium.

Mike: Finally! A plot I can follow!

> Drebin fired one of his cuff-link bullets, and
>Ludwig fell to the parking lot, where he was ran over by a bus, a
>steam roller, and the USC Trojan Marching Band playing The
>Kingsmen's "Louie, Louie". Drebin's boss goes, "Oh, Frank!
>It's so horrible! Horrible!" Drebin says, "I know, Ed". The
>captain then says "My father went the same way!" In essence,
>it's a double pun; The USC Trojan Marching Band played the brass
>section part of Fleetwood's 1979 hit "Tusk"

Mike: I've got a brand new pair of-
Crow: Mike, that part's over.

> (the name of the
>song was derived for drummer Mick Fleetwood's nickname for an
>erect penis)

[appalled silence]
Mike: Okay, that part is now officially over, forever.
Tom: Ugh! Now I feel so dirty!

> in the original studio version and later reprised
>that part when the song was played on the reunion special "The
>Dance" on VH1.

Mike: Right between the "List" marathon and the very special
"Foghat" edition of "Behind the Music".
Tom: I had no idea this story has so many layers.
Crow: It's like a delicate onion. Every time we peel back and
reveals another layer, I want to cry.

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>Data 15: Sailor Misery Chick Takes to the Skies
>

Crow: [Daria] Hi. I'm Daria. Fly me.

>"Wouldn't that be like using a pea shooter against an ICBM?": I
>have Michael J. Pfeffer to thank for this one. This line can
>also be seen in Gordon Korman's novel "Son of Interflux".
>

Mike: No anecdote is too obscure or too uninteresting to be
cross-referenced!

>"Sailor Moon parked right on top of her": Another "Project A-ko"
>pun. When A-ko and B-ko fly up to Captain Napopolita's ship to
>save C-ko,

Tom: They're joined by D-Ko, E-Ko and G-Ko. F-Ko was home sick.

> a missile blast separates them, and A-ko falls on top
>of a jet fighter; the only thing the pilot can see is her
>buttocks.

Mike: An advanced symptom of what's known technically as
"Head-Up-The-Ass" Syndrome.

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>Data 16: Tokyo Game, Set and Match
>
>Data title: There is a famed spy novel trilogy from Len
>Deighton called "Game, Set and Match". The first part is "Berlin
>Game"; the second is "Mexico Set"; the third is "London Match".
>

Tom: And the Fourth is called "Mostly Harmless".

>"Tiger and dragon tattoos": In the original "Kung Fu" series,
>the original Caine got the marks of the Shaolin priesthood by
>putting his bare arms on a hot brazier

Crow: Saa-a-a-a-ay, *I'll* put my arm on one of those! Um,
what cup size is it?
Mike: "Brazier", Crow - rhymes with "Frasier".
Crow: Ewwww, I'm not puttin' my arm on Kelsey Grammar's bra!

> where indented marks in
>the shape of a tiger and a dragon seared into his flesh; the
>resulting scars indicated his status as a priest. However, if
>you look closely at the modern-day Caine on "Kung Fu: The Legend
>Continues", he's got tattoos instead of burn marks.
>

Tom: So he refused to do it again?
Crow: I guess.
Tom: Wow. He staged a Caine mutiny! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Mike: You are so weird.

>"Kwai Chang Caine": Of course I mean the modern-day Caine from
>"Kung Fu: The Legend Continues" and not the original Caine from
>the original "Kung Fu" series.
>

Crow: I thought he was referring to Kane, leader of the NOD.
Mike: No, he's referring to Caine, the vampire progenitor.
Tom: He's clearly talking about Kane, the wrestler.
Crow: Are you sure? He might be referring to Kain, Daria's
pal, supposed terrorist and...
Mike: Hush. We haven't read that one. Yet.
Tom: Anyway, on second thought, he's referring to Cain,
from the House of Secrets.

>"Oni":

Mike: o/~ And Oni I miss you, and I'm doin' good.. o/~

> Oni in Japanese folklore and ogres who are gigantic, have
>wildly-colored hair, horns, sharp teeth, wear tiger skins,
>possess superhuman strength, can fly and usually eat humans and
>rape women.

Crow: In other words, a typical day at the WWF.

> The most famous oni in anime include Lum from
>"Urusei Yatsura" and the Ogre Slayer.
>

Mike: Again with the "Lum"!

>"Murakumo-no-Tsurugi": This sword was used by Susano the Wind
>God to kill an eight-headed dragon who was about to eat a young
>girl. He later gave the sword to Amaterasu-Omikami as an apology
>for making her angry during an early incident (those two had a
>severe case of sibling rivalry).

Tom: He couldn't just buy her a fudge sundae?

> This legend is alluded to in
>the beginning of the anime TV series "Blue Seed" in explaining
>the origins of the shape-shifting alien monsters called the
>Aragami.
>

Mike: The horrible, folded-paper monsters of old!

>"A few days later. . .'BANZAI!' five times;" This scene was
>loosely modeled after the final scene of the first "Star Wars"
>film, where Luke Skywalker, Chewbacca and Han Solo receive medals
>from Princess Leia.

Crow: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! GUNGANS!!!!!!!
Tom: Nonono, that was "The Phantom Menace".

> To be fair, George Lucas was inspired from a
>scene from a Nazi propaganda film called "Triumph of the Spirit"
>when he made this scene.

Mike: I always wondered why Carrie Fisher sprouted that little
mustache all of a sudden.

> It's quite a common occurrence for one
>movie scene to inspire another; the shoot-out scene in Chicago's
>Union Station from "The Untouchables" film with Kevin Costner and
>Robert Di Niro was modeled after a similar scene from the film
>"Battleship Potemkin".
>

Tom: And the earlier scene with DiNiro wielding a baseball
bat was inspired by "Pride of the Yankees."
Crow: So, by this point all creative works are just sucking
off each other in an endless cycle of regurgitation
and recycling.

>"Charles Xavier": He's the wheelchair-bound leader of the mutant
>superhero team the X-Men;

Mike: Although occasionally, he gets confused and starts shouting
out things like "After the White Whale! For House Atredies!
Engage!"

> his code name is "Professor X". His
>mutant ability is that he's a pretty strong telepath.

Crow: Plus, he makes a mean turkey and mustard on rye!

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>And that does it for this appendix.

Mike: Thank goodness!
Tom: Let's go.
[They stand]

> Before I wrap this up, let
>me just thank a few people:
>

All: Noooo!!!!!

>God Almighty

Tom: That's what *we* said!

> (I wouldn't be alive without Him right now);
>

Tom: And on the Next Day, God said "What Was I *Thinking* Of?"

>My parents, Diane McNeill and Walter McNeill (they have to put up
>with my eccentricities);
>

Mike: And pay for the electricity all those locked freezers
in the basement suck up.

>Katherine Goodman, Webmaster, Alt-Lawndale.com (thanks for
>letting me post this on your site);
>

Crow: [Pete] And a big shout out to the Sunnyville Sanitarium,
where I've finally driven her after so long!

>My late and dear friend, Kristin Graziani, who was very much like
>Daria herself when we were in high school, and for whom this
>appendix is dedicated to; I hope you're playing a mean harp up
>there, Mother Hen;
>

Crow: Hmmm, that's actually sort of touching.
Mike: Yes it is, isn't it?

[Pause]

Tom: Okay, back to the drivel.

>Michael J. Pfeffer, for the tip-off about the "Pea shooters and
>ICBM's" line;
>

Mike: And creator of the Pfeffer-nutter sandwich.
Crow: And his sisters, Justine Sarandon and Cher Yothers.

>Naoko Takeuchi, creator of "Sailor Moon", for my inspiration for
>this rather twisted fanfic;
>

Tom: Yeah, thanks, guy, hehehehe- GET HIM!!!

>Glenn Eichler, creator of "Daria" (never let it be said that
>nothing good came out of "Beavis and Butt-Head");
>
>Tom Clancy (let's see Jack Ryan top this one!);
>

Crow: Just open any given Clancy book.
Tom: Or read a Ratliff story.
Mike: Let's not open that can of worms again, 'kay?

>Martin Luther (a mighty man who built a fortress out of a rock);
>

Mike: But some clown went and wrapped a string around it.

>International Masters Publishers (I got my money's worth already
>from "Aircraft of the World");
>

Crow: Pete's the author of *their* new appendix, "Neo-Aircraft
of the World Inside My Head".

>Terri Hawkes (the North American voice of Sailor Moon);
>

Mike: Yes, without Terri's shrill voice running to keep up
with the animation, this fanfic may never have come
to pass... Crow, warm up the time machine.
Crow: Roger, Mike.
Tom: Guys, they'll just replace her with Fran Drescher.
Nothing will really change.

>Karen Bernstein (the North American voice of Sailor Mercury and
>sometime executive producer for PBS's "American Masters"
>documentary series);
>

Mike: Boy, that's what I call a truly diversified resume!

>Tracy Grandstaff (the one and only voice of Daria);
>

Tom: I thought that was Janeane Garofolo.
Mike: Nope. See? I've got a picture of her.
Tom: Blast. I guess that means I'll have to stop watching it.
Mike: Nope. You can watch it all you want, providing MTV
deigns to actually show it.
Crow: Saaaay. She's kind of cute...
Mike: Oh no. What have I done?
Tom: Run, Tracy! RUN!

>Renee O'Connor (Gabrielle from "Xena: Warrior Princess"; man, do
>I love that bare midriff of hers!);
>

Tom: Okay, Guerin, any other fictional characters you wanna
own up to while we're on a roll here? Colonel Kira?
Ivanova? Wonder Woman? Jessica Rabbit? C'mon, let's get
'em all out in the open at once!
Crow: And would you just say belly button and have done with
it?!

>Mamoru Oshii (director, "Patlabor", "Ghost in the Shell", "Urusei
>Yatsura"; I should have thrown in a basset hound in here
>somewhere);
>

Crow: Well, sure, but then - huh?

>The Monks ("Boys are boys and girls are choice");
>

Mike: Girlemon, I choose you! BLACK MONK TIME ATTACK!

>Wendy Hoopes (the voice of Quinn, Helen and Jane; "Kevin, how do
>you like my skirt?");
>

Crow: You wanna field that, Tom?
Tom: Well...
Mike: Enough with the fourth wall breaking already.

>Teryl Rothery (the voice of A-ko from "Plot of the Daitokuji
>Financial Group" onward; ask me to e-mail a letter I got from
>her!)

Crow: [Teryl] Dear Mr. Guerin, For the last time, no, I don't
know why A-Ko doesn't wear a bra!

> ; and
>
>To everyone like me who was an outcast at high school for some
>reason or another and had to put up with the abuses of our own
>Sandies, Kevins, Brittanies, etc.; someday, I can only hope, the
>world will judge us not by how we look or what problems we have
>but by the content of our character and the pureness of our soul.

Mike: By the way, donations to the "Never Forgotten Fund" may be
sent to: Never Forgotten Fund
PO Box 85
Denver, CO 80236

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>"Well, the one thing we did right/Was the day we started to
>fight!/Keep your eyes on the prize, O Lord!"
>
>--Theme from the PBS documentary series "Eyes on the Prize"

Crow: He's determined to drag down everything pure and good
in this world with him, isn't he?

>*****************************************************************
>********************
>"Terminat hour diem, terminat author opus"

Tom: [Ahnuld] Yoor turminated!

>("The hour ends the day; the author finished his work.")
>--From "Doctor Faustus" by Christopher Marlowe.
>FINIS

[The trio stands and begins to leave.]
Mike: Finally!!
Tom: The long ordeal is finally over!
Crow: Geez. I've seen textbooks with smaller bibliographies.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>Peter Guerin

[The trio stops in their tracks.]
Crow: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Tom: [sobbing] Mike, we're never going to get outta here, are we?
Mike: [grimly] I don't know. I just don't know.
[They return to their seats]

> is the author of "The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double
>Blitzkrieg Debacle" (a crossover between "Daria" and "Sailor
>Moon"); "Triumph of the Retart" and "One Man's Trash. . ." (his
>"Daria" crossover with the 70's sitcom "Sanford and Son").
>

[Mike buries his face in his hands.]
Mike [chanting]: I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration...

>Besides being a fan of "Daria" and "Sailor Moon", Peter is also a
>big fan of other anime such as "Project A-ko", "Gunsmith Cats",

Crow: Meow. *BANG*

>"You're Under Arrest!", "Samurai Pizza Cats", and "Here is
>Greenwood".

Mike: Brokenhearted.
Tom: Paid a dime...
Crow: Let's not get started!

> He also likes other American animated efforts

Tom: [coldly] Oh, I see. The Japanese make anime. We make
"animated *efforts*."

> like
>"Spider-Man"; "X-Men"; "Silver Surfer"; "South Park"; "Tiny Toon
>Adventures"; "Animaniacs"; "Pinky and the Brain"; and the old
>Loony Tunes cartoons.
>

Mike: Portrait of the Fanfic Author as a Marvel Zombie and
Toonhead.

>Born in 1968 in Bay Shore, New York, Peter graduated from
>Connetquot High School in Bohemia, New York,

Tom: So he's a Bohemian, eh?

> in 1987 and received
>his Associate's Degree in Business Administration from Adirondack
>Community College in Queensbury, New York, in 1994.

Crow: If fact, Tom, you might say he's rhapsodizing the fact.

> He currently
>lives in Hudson Falls, New York with his mother, stepfather and
>elder stepbrother.
>
>Besides his interest in anime, Peter also likes such live-action
>TV programs

Mike: Will wonders never cease?

> as "Monty Python's Flying Circus" (he especially
>likes the episodes with "The Bishop" and "Njorl's Saga" sketches
>in them [remember to invest in Malden!]);

Tom: And don't leave home without it!

> all four "Star Trek" TV
>shows (though he wonders to this day why they'd chose Mrs.
>Columbo to command "Voyager");

Mike: Because Genevieve Bujold was too snotty to do TV?
Crow: [Columbo] Just one more thing, Species 8725...

> "Sanford and Son"; "Hogan's
>Heroes"; "The Flip Wilson Show"; "Hercules: The Legendary
>Journeys" and "Xena: Warrior Princess" (he admits he's got a
>thing for Gabrielle and her bare midriff of hers!).

Tom: Say, I just noticed! She kinda looks a bit like Quinn!
Mike: Hey! I hadn't noticed it before, but you're right! Wow!

> He also
>likes the film "Colossus: The Forbin Project," from whence he
>got one of his e-mail handles.

Crow: Namely, "colossus@forbinproject.com".

> Peter also like some music,

Tom: The mind boggles at the very thought.

>especially Garbage (he's got a thing for Shirley Manson and her
>miniskirt and go-go boot get-ups);

[Mike looks around]
Crow: What?
Mike: I felt the presence of the MelOdie Continuum.

> The Monks ("It's Beat Time!
>It's Hop Time! IT'S MONK TIME NOW!");

Mike: If you hadn't figured out by now that Pete really likes
the Monks, this is your last chance, folks.

> Fleetwood Mac ("Tusk!");
>Rage Against the Machine ("Rally 'round tha family with a pocket
>full of shells!");

Tom: Oh, good - we really need more guys in Che Guevera T-Shirts
waving Vietcong flags around.

> Splendora ("You're standing on my neck!") and
>REM ("What's the frequency, Kenneth?").

Mike: The frequency is 101.5 - WNVF!
Crow: Lock it in - and rip the knob off!

> By the way, PLEASE
>NEVER, NEVER, under any circumstances, play Italian music around
>him; it depresses him to no end!
>

Tom: The "Madame Butterfly" MP3s are on their way! Ha ha!

>Peter himself suffers from Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), the
>same affliction that David MacAllister suffers from in "Triumph
>of the 'Retart'"; in fact, the story is semi-autobiographical;
>Peter himself ran for Student Government President in his junior
>year and lost by sixteen votes, the closest such election in the
>school's history.
>

Tom: [Nixon] And now you won't have Pete Guerin to kick
around anymore!
Crow: Yeah, yeah, shoulda coulda woulda. Cry me a river.

>As for his future plans for fanfic, Peter has an idea for a
>Daria/Hercules/Xena crossover

Crow: Misery Chick: Warrior Princess!
Mike: [clamps Crow's beak shut] Do *not* give the author
ideas, Crow!

> as well as a story that is going to
>be a mega-crossover (we're talking "Marvel Secret Wars" big
>here!) that essentially will be a spoof of Albany, New York's
>Tulip Fest and Hudson Falls' Sandy Hill Days

Mike: And two richer sources of comedic material have never
been mined.

> involving "Daria",
>"Heathcliff," "Beverly Hills Teens" (Bianca Dupree is more
>sinister than J. R. Ewing and Alexis Carrington-Colby combined,
>at least in his opinion),

Tom: Okay, if, um, you say so. [to Mike] Get me outta this!

> "Cats and Company" and "Inspector
>Gadget", as well as a Daria/Bishop crossover.

Mike: [Upchuck] Say, Daria...?
Crow: Playtime's over, Chuckie!
Mike: [Upchuck] The Bishop!

> Among the other
>weird crossovers he has in mind also include one that would
>feature Penelope Pitstop, Dick Dastardly, Muttley, Klunk, Zilly,
>Yankee Doodle Pigeon, the Hooded Claw and the Ant Hill Mob from
>the Hanna-Barberra "Wacky Races/Dastardly and Muttley in their
>Flying Machines/Perils of Penelope Pitstop" saga as well as Speed
>Racer; the tentative title is going to be "Lawndale Death Race
>500".

Tom: Pete needs a hobby. *Another* hobby!
Mike: Why do I have this icky feeling we're gonna wind up
with these - these *things* on our plates?

> He also plans to do some involving "Hogan's Heroes" (it
>won't be a lame-o time travel thing; it'll be set in the present,
>and you will see some changes in Hogan, Klink and the others)

Mike: Mainly, Hogan will have been beaten to death in a
cheap motel room.
Crow: Mike!
Mike: Oh geez. It's rubbing off on me too.

> as
>well as one involving "Project A-ko" and "Colossus: The Forbin
>Project".
>
>Peter can be reached at either DocForbin@Hotmail.com.;
>DickMarino@Yahoo.com; PeterThree@MailExcite.com or
>Harmacy@MailCity.com. Please e-mail him. That would make him
>very happy.

Mike: Y'know what'd make me happy? An ending, that's what!

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
>

Mike: Is - is that *it*?!?
Crow: I think so!
Tom: Well quit jawboning about it and let's vamoose before he
thinks of another two dozen people to thank!

[All leave - quickly!]

[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .]


[As the doors close, the scene shifts to Castle Forrester.
Pearl grins evilly, while anxiously pacing back and forth.
Behind her, Observer stands, watching Pearl pace.]

Pearl: Brain Guy, this is it! I can feel it! At long last, we
have found the story that will break Mike Nelson! And
after that, we'll spring this on an unsuspecting
planet and the Earth will be ours! Ours!
Observer: Pearl, I must admit, I had my doubts about this
in the beginning but it seems as if you were quite
correct. Unlike when you thought that the resurrected
"Time Speeder" would do the job.
Pearl: Exactly! I...
Observer: Or when you thought that horrible "Babylon 5/Barney"
story was the key to success.
Pearl: Yes, but...
Observer: Or the conspiracy theory about how Jar-Jar Binks is
the Antichrist and every picture of Jake Lloyd beams
those so-called mind-control rays into people's heads.
Pearl: [now visibly annoyed] Yeah. Now...
Observer: Or the time you tried to make them all read the
collected works of Sidney Sheldon, but all that happened
was they fell asleep and...
Pearl: *We Get The Point!* Sheesh! *This* time though, it worked.
Observer: I'll concede the point, Madame.
Pearl: Told you so. And you know what that means, don't you?
Observer: [rolling eyes] Yes, yes. I owe you a Coke.

[Professor Bobo enters, carrying a large samurai sword in one
hand and the ever present cell phone in the other. His
face shows signs of extreme weariness.]

Bobo: Really. Uh-huh. My, that certainly is an interesting
aspect of the Japanese diet. I had no idea that they
were that fond of Pocky.

[Bobo closes his eyes, and raises the sword, and prepares to
plunge the sword into his stomach when... suddenly, his eyes
open wide.]

Bobo: Excuse me? [He drops the sword and grasps the phone
with both hands.] You have to go? Really? No, I'm
really disappointed to hear that. [Bobo drops to
on knee and pulls his fist down in the universal
"YES!" gesture.] Yes, yes. Okay. Talk to you later.
Buh-bye.

[Bobo presses the off button on the phone, then begins to
dance wildly, whooping all the while.]

Bobo: Finally! I'm free! FREE! WHOO-HOO!!

Pearl: [faux sweetly] Bobo?

Bobo: Yes, Lawgiver?

Pearl: Shut up.

Bobo: Yes, Lawgiver.

Observer: Pearl, by my calculations, Michael and the
automatons should be leaving the theater and
entering the bridge right about... now.

Pearl: [grinning widely] Brain Guy. Let's see how
the victims are doing.

[The Brain Guy's SFX noise can be heard, and the
scene shifts to...]

[Bridge of the SoL]
[...is empty. No one can be seen.]

[Castle Forrester]
Bobo: Where are they?

Observer: Perhaps they died of despair while they left the
theater...

Pearl: Well, in that case, I'd have to say...

[The Bridge of the SoL]
[The sound of laughter can be heard off the screen. Moments
later, Crow, Tom, Gypsy and Mike enter, all wearing softball
jerseys and carrying baseball bats and gloves. Mike trots
over to center screen.]

Mike: Whew. Sorry about the delay there, Pearl, but after
being cramped up there in that theater for so long that
I thought we needed a little exercise, so I set up an
impromptu softball game.

Crow: [interrupting] Which Mike and I won, of course.

Tom: Well, you were on the only team that had players with
functioning limbs.

Crow: Hey!

[The bots begin to playfully scuffle. Mike grins at the pair
and turns back to Cambot.]

Mike: So, Pearl? What's up?

[Castle Forrester]

[Observer and Pearl look stricken. Bobo is still bright and
bubbly though.]

Pearl: But, but...

Observer: Michael? Our hypothesis clearly shows that this
story should have broken you...

[Bridge]
Mike: What? This thing?
Tom: Pleeeeeze.
Crow: Hey, we've read worse.

[Castle Forrester]

Pearl: But, the length...
Observer: The characterization...
Pearl: etc...

[Bridge]

Mike: Well sure, Pearl. The story had some problems. It
was really long.
Tom: And the crossovers didn't mesh really well together.
Mike: And a few of the characters seemed a bit off.
Crow: And that Appendix was a sadistic soul-sucking devil
remora that latches onto mankind with hideous, Japanese
mandibles, draining us of all that is just and fair and
good until all that is left of us is a trembling husk
staring vacuously into space, endlessly repeating the
name, "Guerin... Guerin... GUERIN!!!"
[Mike, Gypsy and Tom turn and stare at Crow.]
Crow: I'm just saying I didn't like it. That's all.
[Mike shrugs and turns back to the camera.]

Mike: Still, we've read worse than this.

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: But, but I thought that this would be it. This would
be the one that finally broke you...

Bobo: Lawgiver, I'm going to take a nap. I need to recuperate
from that umpteen hour long phone call.

Pearl: [not paying attention] This was the one. I knew it.

[Bobo exits. Observer moves over to Pearl.]

Observer: There, there. These things happen. Say, how about
I send a copy of "Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared
Zin" up to Michael. Will that cheer you up?

Pearl: [sniffling] Maybe.

Observer: Well then, let me just... [the phone rings]
Excuse me for a moment, Pearl.

Pearl: [Sniffling] 'kay.

[Observer walks over and picks up the phone.]

Observer: Yello? Oh. Hello Peter. No, this isn't Bobo.
If you'll hold on for... why no, I've never been
to Japan. Look, I need to... Oh. You're going
to tell me all about it. Splendid.

[Observer sighs, and exits with the phone, stage right.]

[Bridge]
Mike: Pearl? You feeling okay?
Tom: You're looking kind of down.
Crow: Yeah. Say, would you like for us to cheer you up?

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: [Sniffling] That's awfully kind of you, Art. I
suppose that you could go ahead and try.

[Bridge]
Mike: Hey, I know something that could cheer you up!

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: You do?

[Bridge]
Mike: Well, sure!
Crow: Heck, we got the idea from today's story.

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: [sniffling, uneasily] You did?

[Bridge]
Tom: Why sure! How about we go through the story
and explain what each our riffs referred to?

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: No, really. You don't need...

[Bridge]
[Mike has begun to grin even wider.]
Crow: That's a great idea, Tom. I'll start! Back in
the opening segment, when we were talking about
"The Year 2000", that was a reference to a
frequent sketch on Late Night with Conan
O'Brien.
Tom: And the reference to the Dancing Waters (TM)
[With the mention of their name, the Dancing
Waters (TM) shoot upward in a dazzling display
of water effects.] that's a reference to the
days when David Letterman was still on NBC,
and he had this really cool fountain in front
of his desk...

[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl looks visibly nervous now. Mike and the
bots continue to talk, off screen.]

Pearl: That's nice, guys. Brain Guy?

Mike: [O.S.] Then we mentioned Regis, Kathie Lee and Cody,
which, of course, refers to the very popular talk show
"Live with Regis and Kathie Lee", and Kathie Lee's son,
Cody, who she frequently mentions on the air.

Pearl: Bobo?

Crow: [O.S.] And we mentioned some past experiments you've
shown us, namely the films "Werewolf" amd "Hobgoblins",
and a particular Stephen Ratliff story which I probably
shouldn't name.

Pearl: [her voice beginning to crack] Ortega? Pitch?

Tom: [O.S.] Then we actually entered the theater, and we
re-referenced the previously seen "In the Year 3000"
sketch.

Pearl: [panicking] Sherwood? Puck? Frank?

Mike: [O.S.] And then we started with the really
*intensive* references!

Pearl: AUDIENCE? ANYONE? HEEEEELLLP!!!!!

\ | /
\ | /
--- * --- PWOOOOSH!
/ | \
/ | \


"The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkreig Debacle"
was originally written by Peter W. Guerin

MiSTING BY: Matt Blackwell, Tyler Dion, Douglas Gale, Brendan
Herhilhy, Bill Livingston, Eric Schepers, Harold
Tessmann III, Rebo Valence, and Valeria
MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED BY: Michael Neylon
CURIOUSLY STRONG MINTS BY: Altoids
GONNA LAY DOWN MY BURDENS DOWN BY: The Riverside
SARGASSUM: Weed of Deceit!
THANKS: to MiSTies, MuSTies, RATMMers, the cast of "Sports
Night", and the inventor of those "No Lick Stamps".

"Bishôjo Senshi Sailor Moon" characters and properties are
trademarks of and (c) Naoko Takeuchi/Kodansha/Toei Animation Co.,
Ltd./DIC Enterprises LP/Seagull Entertainment, Inc./Program
Exchange. All Rights Reserved. We swear we will not rest until
these copyrights have been avenged!

"Daria" and all related characters and situations are trademarks
and copyright of MTV Networks and Viacom. Daria created by Glenn
Eichler. All rights reserved. Now picture Daria or Kevin or
someone in some weird costume! See? Just like the real show!

"Beavis and Butthead" and all related characters and situations
are trademarks and (c) MTV Networks and Viacom. All rights
reserved. Beavis and Butt-Head are not role models. They're not
even human. They're cartoons. Some of the things they do would
cause a person to get hurt,expelled, arrested, possibly
deported. To put it another way: Don't try this at home.

Space Ghost, Brak, and Zorak are the trademarks and copyright
of Ghost Planet Industries, Hanna-Barberra and Time Warner
Communications. All rights reserved. Oh Fun Key Bay Bee!

The following songs are copyright their respective composers
and lyricists: "Genie in a Bottle" - S. Kipner, D. Frank, P.
Sheyne; "Take a Picture" -Richard Patrick; "The Thong Song" -
Desmond Child, Tim Kelley, Bob Hope Robinson, Robi Rosa, Sisqo;
"The Bad Touch" - James Frank; "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)" -
Rupert Holmes. All rights reserved. Call Carson Daly right
now and demand the return of Rupert Holmes!

Aquaman and Ocean Master are the trademarks and copyright of
DC Comics and Time Warner Communications. All rights reserved.
Although they'll all be retconned away in three - two - one -
now!

Even though no reference to them was made, "Star Trek" and
all related characters and situations are trademarks of
and copyright of Paramount Picture Corporation and Viacom.
All rights reserved.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000" and related characters and
situations are trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. All
rights reserved. A division of Timmy BigHands, Inc - home
of the world's finest syrup ads!

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-
commercial parody, review, and commentary purposes only;
no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by others is intended or should be inferred.

No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or
situation(s) are or should be implied. All characters in
this work are fictional , and any resemblance to actual
people, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Also, it
would be really, really sad.

Incident mentions of various situations and song lyrics
should not be taken as challenges to any legal copyrights
and trademarks.


Although it has nothing to do with this misting, you may
want to check this out:
http://systech.simplenet.com/daria/makeovers/sn_djmst3k.gif

Special thanks to Jeffrey S. Johnson (and his so-called
"fish") for his invaluable Assistance in the field of
neuroscience. Thanks!

More special thanks to Antaeus Feldspar for his assistance
and proofreading. Thanks!

We will, we will - Rowsdower!

Daria Morgendorffer will return in "The Return of the
Lawndale Militia"!

Keep circulating the posts.

Twaaaaang.

5/21/00

----------------------------------------------------------------------
>Sailor Moon couldn't realize what was happening first. To be
>fair, no one did.

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