Life, Distilled: #3: Survival, one step at a time
David Lawrence Ramsey
10/19/2004

Just look around.  The signs are everywhere.  Things you have to do, 
things you should do, things you shouldn't do.  And if you want to 
survive long, you have to pay attention to them all.  No, I'm not 
talking about a conspiracy.  I'm talking about instructions.  Following 
all the instructions out there is sometimes a tricky business, but I'm 
here to help you slog your way through it.  After all, if you don't 
learn how to deal with instructions, you'll have to improvise pretty 
much everything, and that can lead to problems if you're, say, building 
a house.  "How many floors is this place supposed to have again?  Never 
mind, I'll wing it ..."

In order to successfully follow instructions, you should understand the 
two instructional pillars.  The first of the two pillars is knowing 
about cause and effect.  For example, if you put something in the 
microwave and turn the microwave on, whatever you put in will usually 
get hotter.  If you don't need a "Product Will Be Hot" warning to figure 
this out, then you're grasping cause and effect properly.  There are 
some exceptional cases ("The microwave's supposed to heat the food up, 
not cool it down!  Just because it's broken, I'm keeping it outside, and 
I'm in the middle of Antarctica is no excuse for it not to work 
properly!"), but, as a general rule, this is how they operate.

The second of the two pillars is knowing how to translate what 
instructions say into what they mean.  For example, if you're on the 
road and you see a "Speed Limit: 65" sign, it may not be immediately 
obvious why you have to limit your speed to 65 miles per hour.  However, 
once you think of potential problems that could come up if you didn't, 
you can use common sense to translate what the sign says.  After doing 
this, things become perfectly clear: "If You Go Much Faster Than 65, 
We'll Be Scraping What's Left of You Out of Your Car After You Hit 
Something and Get Squashed Into the Consistency of Wallpaper Paste."  
See how simple it is?

When you've mastered the two pillars, you can put your newfound skills 
into practice in many ways.  For one thing, you could write and follow 
your own instructions in the form of a schedule.  If you decide to do 
this, though, remember to keep your schedule flexible.  If it's too 
rigid, it can keep you from getting much of anything done.  "Okay, for 
the next hour I'm supposed to be shooting up heroin, for the hour after 
that I'm supposed to be blowing away people I don't like with my 
AK-47... Sorry, I can't do any carjacking until my break at three 
o'clock.  What do you mean, the car won't be here then?"

You may occasionally get instructions that don't leave you many 
alternatives if you don't follow conventions.  In these situations, you 
should probably go along with conventions unless you're feeling really 
creative.  Take the case of the commissary.  If you don't have a valid 
military ID, you're allowed to go in the commissary, but you're not 
allowed to purchase anything in it.  What else are you going to do in 
there?  Troll for chicks?  "Hey, baby, I can't actually BUY anything in 
here, but do you want to go somewhere more private with me anyway?"  
Now, if you're trying to pick up really weird chicks, this might 
actually work, but under normal circumstances, you'll need a different 
approach.  (If you're not into chicks, just substitute any other gender 
you're into.  The same principles still apply.)

Finally, if you need instructions for something that you don't know much 
about, you can probably find them in one of the thousands of 
"[Something] For Dummies" books out there.  These books can be a big 
help to people who have more than enough things to pack into their heads 
and don't mind having to rely on the written word when their brains fail 
them.  That being said, there are exceptions.  For instance, if you're 
so lacking in knowledge that you need "Sex for Dummies", you probably 
shouldn't be reproducing yet.  Just imagine how badly it could go: "Ow!  
You just poked my eye out!"  "Oops, wrong orifice.  What page were those 
steps listed on again?"

Okay, Step 3007, "Write Column" is done.  Now for Step 3008 ... Wait, 
the printing's smeared.  Oh well, I'll just wing it.