Life, Distilled: #4: A flat that doesn't fall flat
David Lawrence Ramsey
10/30/2004

Independence.  The word has a nice ring to it.  You want it, but how can 
you get it?  One way is to have your own apartment.  Before getting one, 
though, you need to know what you're dealing with.  There are certain 
characteristics that a good apartment should have, and I'm here to fill 
you in on what they are.

One thing to look for is very thin walls with a complete lack of 
insulation.  Nothing says "home" like being deafened every time the air 
conditioning kicks on.  Besides, it's a good test of your reflexes to be 
able to turn up the TV volume to almost full blast in only a few seconds 
so that you can hear the rest of the show you're watching.  You 
shouldn't have cable installed, either.  It's much more fun to only get 
five local channels, three of which have such bad reception that you 
have to qualify for a medal in the Squinting Olympics before you can 
watch them.  And when you get tired of TV, you can listen to your 
neighbors having sex through the walls.  Who needs pornography when you 
have this?

Utilities are something else you need to consider.  The best kinds of 
utilities are those that don't work as expected and need regular 
maintenance, as they provide valuable experience in improvising 
solutions to problems.  For instance, take water faucets.  Faucets that 
can just be turned off by hand are for wusses.  For a real challenge, 
try having faucets that can only be turned off by whacking their handles 
into the closed position with a hammer (which, for convenience, should 
be kept by the edge of the sink).

This hammer can also come in handy in other situations.  For example, 
when dirty dishes have been in the sink for so long that the food on 
them has evolved into an intelligent life form, and that life form wraps 
its tentacles around your neck and strangles you on your way across the 
room, you'll need the hammer to beat it into submission.  "Hello, you've 
reached 555-1234.  Leave a message after the beep."  BANG BANG BANG 
SCREAM BEEP CLICK PANT PANT PANT.  "Hi.  Sorry I didn't pick up sooner.  
I was just fighting the monster that lives in the sink.  He's getting 
stronger, too.  I had to hit him three times before he'd let go ... No, 
I am NOT on drugs!"

When it comes to entertainment, assuming you survive long enough to need 
it, you and your roommates should be at odds.  If, say, you don't 
particularly like watching zombie movies, your roommates should love 
watching them.  In fact, they should love watching them so much that you 
should have to stay out of their way in case they decide to sacrifice 
you on the altar to George Romero that they've set up in the living 
room.  Incidentally, a lot of zombie movies seem to cover the same basic 
material.  After movies like "Dawn of the Dead" and "Day of the Dead", 
what's next?  I can see the trailer now:

(A crowd of zombies is shown swarming through a city.)

Voice-over: "The undead legions thought they had us conquered."

(A very angry and somewhat tired-looking man is shown brandishing an 
axe.)

Voice-over: "But they didn't count on one thing."

(The man is shown hacking apart zombies in the middle of the street with 
his axe.)

Voice-over: "The determination of a man ..."

(The screen goes blank for a second.)

Voice-over: "... deprived of his morning coffee."

(The man is shown hacking apart zombies in front of the local Starbucks 
with his axe, a feral scream in his throat.)

Voice-over: "Really Early Morning of the Dead.  Rated R.  Now playing."

Back on topic, one of the most important parts of apartment life is 
finding ways to relax.  (Dealing with homicidal dish fungi and Romerite 
roommates on a daily basis does have a way of stressing you out.)  One 
way you can relax is by playing some music, which only carries two minor 
risks.  First, if the music is too loud, you'll tick everyone else off 
and end up getting a stereo speaker enema.  You can avoid this, though, 
by keeping the volume just low enough so that the walls don't dance to 
the music along with you.  Second, you might get a song stuck in your 
head.  If this happens, try to make sure that the song is well known, as 
it's much easier to deal with if you can spread it around.

Good: "Private Eyes" by Hall and Oates.  As soon as you get to "They're 
watching you" in the chorus, everyone else has it stuck in their heads.

Bad: "Love Out Loud" by Hall and Oates.  As soon as you get to "Tell me 
what you wanna do" in the chorus, your musically inclined roommate adds 
"I wanna kill Boy Scouts."  You now have two versions of this song stuck 
in your head, and no one else is affected.

Worse: "The Ballad of Satan's Groundhog" by Swedish Fetus, of which your 
musically inclined roommate is a member.  You're beyond hope.  Get out 
while you still can.

Speaking of getting out, there should be no easy way to do so.  Ideally, 
there should only be one car between you and your roommates, and it 
should be used only to run errands.  There should also be frequent 
arguments over which errands to run: "No, I can't take you to that music 
store.  Driving into the parallel universe it's in eats up way too much 
gas, and I can't afford to buy any more until I get paid next week.  I'm 
sure that 'Martina McBride Sings the Dead Kennedys' album will still be 
there then."  As for public transportation, the nearest bus stop should 
be at least three miles away.  After all, if you don't have the use of a 
car, you should be used to walking long distances, right?

Good luck in your search for the right apartment.  As the old adage 
goes, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and if you want 
independence, you need strength.  Strength also comes in handy if the 
apartment walls cave in one day.