I felt like I was working all the time and had nothing to show for it, and Kyle's father was struggling to find work. Still, we were thrilling to be becomming parents.

I quit smoking right away and started eating better than I've ever eaten. My perspective changed and suddenly life had so much more meaning. I had more meaning. I really got myself together, got an apartment, and managed not to get behind on bills.

It was like instinct for me to want an unassisted birth. It was what I wanted in my core all along. It was really hard for me to imagine the hospitol birth I orignally planned on having. But I actually questioned whether it was legal as I recalled horror stories I'd seen on tv of parents refusing medical treatment for their children and having them taken away. So I didn't give it much more thought for the first half of my pregnancy.

Then, around 28 weeks, I accidentally came across some unassisted birth websites and everything started to fall into place. I finally felt, not only ready, but eager to prepare for the birth of my baby.

From that point on, I dreamt of childbirth. I read books every spare minute, and began a birth plan. People would ask if i was scared of "the big day". But I was just excited, and not just excited to meet my son, but excited to actually give birth.

I noticed the first branxton hicks contractions around 30 weeks and they got a little stronger every day. Sometimes they'd come consistently a couple minutes apart lasting a few hours. Had I still planned on a hospitol birth, I probably would have ended up there several times in false labor. I was sure kyle was not waiting around til his due date, which was june 6th.

May 27th, the contractions started getting significantly more uncomfortable and I sat up most of the night wondering if they'd keep getting stronger or stop again. They must have faded away because I fell asleep. And I slept and slept. I canceled what would have been my last prenatal appointment.

Besides being exhausted, I had dialated to 1 cm the night before, and I had this silly fear that I'd go in and suddenly be dialated to a point where they'd want to keep me, and I'd have to argue and explain myself in a situation I didn't want to be in. So, knowing they would probably just measure my stomach, weigh me and listen to the baby, I decided I could go in the next week if things didn't progress by then.

I finally dragged myself out of bed around 2pm. The contractions continued inconsistently through the afternoon and I went to work at 6. I had planned to work till the end of the week, but that night I asked my boss, just incase i went into labor, 'how early is it okay to call in the morning?' .

I got off around 11pm and when i got home I made myself a huge pancake and egg meal. Kyle's father had been drinking after I had asked him not to and explained that "tonight might be the night." So we really got into it for the next couple of hours. It was awful. I was really worried that I was meant to be in labor, but the baby would not come into the world with such drama occurring.

Kyles father finally fell asleep on the couch. between contractions, I kept getting ready for bed, then I'd have another one and realize I wasn't going to get to sleep that night, so i ended up walking from the living room to the bedroom and back several times. I guess it finally stuck and I ended up sitting up watching "Leprichan II" on TV.

I walked or squatted through contractions at first. I think it was around 3am when I really realized things were progressing and it wasn't going to stop this time. So I started getting ready.

I washed the kitchen floor and spread out a shower curtain I had bought. Then I got the inflatable pool (already inflated)from from Toys R Us out of the extra bedroom and set it on the shower curtain. I attatched a short hose to the kitchen sink and used it to fill the pool.

Then I tried again to wake up Kyles father. I made a pot of coffee and tried to get him to drink it. I thought if i told him I was filling the pool he'd know I was serious, but I couldn't even get him to open his eyes. He seemed to think I was faking. I kept going back between contractions for a while, but he didn't get it. I finally decided to call my back up supports.

I tried his sister first (around 6am) but couldn't reach her, so I left a message for my sister to get when she woke up. I figured I still had a ways to go.

The only reason I really wanted someone there at that point was to wait on me. It was getting hard to refill my glass of gatorade myself, but I was taking good care of myself. My only other reason for having someone there was incase I started to hemmorhage or something and needed someone to call an ambulance. I had confidence I could handle just about anything else myself.

I unlocked the door for my sister and hung a "delivery in progress, please do not disturb" sign on the door incase my neighbors heard me and got worried.

I called my boss around 6:30 and told him I couldn't make it to work cause I was having a baby! At that point, I think I must've been about 5 cm, but I wasn't really thinking in terms of numbers anymore. I just knew I was opening up.

I was going between the birth pool and the toilet. I think the change of position helped alot. I had a picuture of a laughing baby on the fridge in front of the birth pool and some Anne Geddes pictures on the wall in front of the toilet and I tried to focus on the one of the baby's head emerging from the rose but as the contractions got stronger I don't remember seeing or hearing much. The TV was still on in the other room and, every now & then, I'd notice the sounds of morning prayer or infomercials fading in and out of my concousness.

At 7:45 my sister called. She lives about a half hour away but was supposed to stop at school for her graduation that weekend. I told her go ahead and get the signatures then come over. She said she'd be there in an hour. I had a feeling that would be cutting it close, but I was really happy to be alone just knowing someone was comming.

By then, I think I may have already thrown up. Maybe that was transition, but at the time, I was still praparing myself for worse.

What really got me through was the advice to hum in a low tone through the contractions. It kept me breathing deep breaths and the sound was actually a calming focal point.

Near the end, I also bit down on a washcloth, which drew the tension up and out my jaw and helped me relax my lower body. I wasn't getting up for anything anymore, but when it hurt really bad I would turn to face the wall of the tub and then I'd turn back when that got to be too much.

One of my cats watched me the whole time. He looked kind of worried, so I reasured him that I was okay. Once I looked up and he wasn't in his perch, but the other cat was there in his place.

The really overwhelming contractions probably lasted right around an hour. I think it did cross my mind that i couldn't handle it if it got any more painful, but i never freaked out. I just kind of realized that i would handle it no matter what. I looked at the laughing baby on the fridge and thought about how my baby was almost here.

After losing track of time, I started to feel like pushing, so I checked myself. I wasn't positive I was a full 10 cm. In all my research and all the diagrams I had looked at, I had not seen a good depiction of how it would FEEL to be fully dialated.

I didn't know I wouldn't be able to reach the entire opening of my cervix. I could only feel the front. I didn't know if there was a lip, and i knew my body wouldn't hold him in if he was ready, so I tried not to push. I think there were a couple more contractions right on top of each other, then I started shuddering and I pushed.

I felt my bag of waters pop. With the next contraction I really pushed. I felt him comming out. I reached down expecting to feel what I had pictured - a head emerging. But it felt different. It didn't feel like a head and for a moment I worried that he had somehow become breech.

I felt around some more and realized that it was MY skin I was feeling, not his. He was bulging out my pelvis, but was still inside my skin. I think I tried to support my perennium then, but I'm pretty sure I let go as I pushed his head out. I don't remember feeling his head emergeas much as I remember the scream I let out - it was totally unihibited!!

When I felt his head outside my body, I gave another small push and the rest of him slid out into the water. I think I had ahold of him the whole time. I just remember lifting him in complete awe - awe that it was over, awe that it was just beginning, awe at how unfamiliar he looked, and at the same time how familiar.

I can't say any of that was actually going through my mind - I'm not sure anything was. Time stood still. Suddenly, I realized I hadn't checked if he was breathing. In retrospect, it seems silly. I'm sure he was. He was quite pink. But I turned him over, just incase.

I heard him cough a little and I just stared in amazement. I remember him reaching up and grabbing one of the straps on my nightgown. When I remembered to check the time, it was 8:29 am, so I estemated that he was born at 8:27.

I tried to breastfeed, but he started to fuss and I noticed the water was getting too cool for him so I wrapped him in a towel. I got up, went to the bathtub and started filling it with warm water. He still wasn't interested in eating yet.

The tub was only half full when my sister rushed in with her boyfriend behind her. He backed away when he caught a glimse of me half nude (as if i cared) and she ran into the living room and yelled "Wake up and see your son!!" .

Kyle's father finally woke up. He walked into the bathroom in a daze. I can only imagine his shock at waking up a father!
I wanted to birth the placenta, but I wasn't sure if I was supposed to wait for another contraction or what. So I just pushed a little and there it was. I handed kyle to his dad so I could get out of the tub.

We had a hell of a time trying to juggle him and the placenta, so I had my sister get the scissors and shoelace I had prepared. I had wanted to wait, but the cord seemed to be done pulsing. It was pretty white, so we tied and cut it and put the placenta in an ice cream bucket (which is still in my freezer till i decide what to do with it!).

I stood up, and that was the first time I really bled at all. Kyle's dad looked really worried. I just sat back down and reminded him that two cups is normal and that it would look like a lot.

Then I let everyone else enjoy the baby while I showered. While I was pregnant, I really thought I wouldn't be able to let my baby out of my sight so soon after his birth, but when he was born I had this new sense of security knowing he's mine and I'm his and he'll always end up back with mom no matter who holds him.

My pregnancy and birth experience have changed me profoundly for the better. I don't konw what it would be like to give birth in a hospital, but I know much of my confidence and security come from taking things into my own hands. I knew I could birth him naturally, just like I know I can be a good mother.

As mad as I am at his father for sleeping through the whole thing, I really valued being completely alone. The only one who saw kyle's birth was our cat.

This incredible experience is Mine alone. No one else knows how truely magical it was. Sometimes I'll feel sorry for myself because of the things I am going through with Kyle's father and his alcohol problem, but I kind of feel like all the times I've ever felt sorry for myself and all the times to come are all paid for by this one amazing experience. Who could ask for more?

Little Kyle Justin was 6lbs 6oz when he went for a checkup later that day. He was 19 inches long. Today he is 2 weeks old and wieghs 7lbs 10oz. He's my little angel.

He is adorable!!