On Kink

Contents

1. Are Kinky People Normal?
2. Are Kinky People In The Minority?
3. Is Kink Sick? Can It Be Healthy?
4. Sexual Addiction?
5. Why Are People Kinky?
6. Can Kinky People Be Cured?
7. Once You Start Being Kinky Can You Quit?
8. Sexual Behavior Is Learned.
9. What About Morality?

1. Are Kinky People Normal?

What Is "Normal"?

Before we get into whether kinky people are a sick and in need of a cure, we'll need to define just what "normal" sexual behavior is. This is not an easy thing to do. According Dr. Alfred Kinsey and his colleges and published in his book "Male Sexual Behavior" page 580, the average couple has sex two to three times a week, with varying degrees of foreplay leading up to intercourse that lasted for an average of approximately one point seven five minutes. That's for the entire act. One hundred and five seconds! Now if that is considered "normal" then most people that I know are seeking to be abnormal, and I for one am glad to be kinky!
 
Okay more on normal sex ... According to the "normal" assumption, successful sex means potentially reproductive intercourse between a man and a woman, preferably married, who plan to have children, and stay together in a monogamous relationship for the rest of their lives. There are some who believe even within those boundaries, that sex is not "normal" unless it is man on top, woman on the bottom... and both partners reach orgasm at the same time without any other stimulation allowed ... no fingers ... no oral contact ... and heaven forbid no dildo's or vibrators allowed. To them the only reason for sex is the continuation of the species. This view of "normal" sex only satisfies a few people, and therefore is in itself an abnormality.

Pause for a moment and think about what you find sexually pleasurable ... Now imagine being sent to jail for indulging in it! There are several states in the United States where any sexual conduct outside the "normal" reproductive form of sex is against the law. In many, "sodomy" laws outlaws giving a consenting adult partner pleasure orally, such conduct may be punishable by jail or a fine, or both. I know it is in the state where I live, even if you are married! (For a list of those states that have sodomy laws on their books go here ACLU -- Lesbian & Gay Rights State Sodomy Statutes you may be in for a surprise) These laws are on the books despite the fact that many "straight" people find such pleasures a rewarding often a very vital part of their sex lives.

Each person has the right to seek whatever forms of love and consensual sexual expression that they find fulfilling. Each of us is different. Each of us comes to a relationship with different experiences, and different desires. Your kink may not be my kink ... nor my kink yours.

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2. Are Kinky People In The Minority?

While it is true that many people do not fit into the defined sexual "norm" in their sexual practices, and are therefore "abnormal", the ones that openly express their desires for unusual sexual pleasure in their relationships, and in their every day life are in a minority. However, in our fantasies, as seen in art, film and in print, kink abounds.

When you were in High School, I'm sure that the works of William Shakespeare were a required read. Did you know that he also wrote some of the most erotic poems written about submission as well? For proof look at the sonnets I have on this site and judge for your self. I have also included an excerpt from the play "Taming of the Shrew". It is Kate's speech declaring her acceptance of her role in life. Another required read when I was in High School was Yeats's poem "Leda and the Swan". This poem is based on the story from Greek myth of how Leda, wife of a Spartan king, was seduced and raped by Zeus, King of the Gods, in the form of a swan. This tale of rape and bestiality, since its original telling, has been the subject of many painters and sculptors through out the ages.

Novels abound with kinky over tones. Which one of us can not feel the eroticism in these classics "Dracula", "Venus in Furs", or "Tom Jones"? This is not to mention all the modern writers like Anne Rice, Harold Robbins, and many others.

Hollywood from its early days has been filled with kink. From the early serials in which the heroine is constantly being kidnapped and bound by the villain, to the movie classic "The Sheik" to the modern "9 1/2 Weeks" kink has been a staple in movies.

Televisions has its share of kink as well, turn on your favorite soap opera, and before long the leading lady will be tied, gagged, kidnapped, or raped. In fact, most of the images that raise our pulse, and turn us on in modern movies and in television deal with and explore things like the eroticism of power, of pain, of medical, uniform or leather fetishes, of prisoners and fugitives, helplessness and wickedness, victims and villains.

If our entertainment is any example, then there are more kinky people out there than admit to it, because someone is watching and reading this kinky stuff. I wonder how many people would admit to being kinky, and join a sexual minority if it were safer and more politically correct to do so?

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3. Is Kink Sick? Can It Be Healthy?

In the late nineteenth century, a psychologist named Richard von Krafft-Ebing wrote a sort of encyclopedia of sexual deviation called "Psychopathia Sexualis" in which he coined the words "sadism" and "masochism". The words sadism and masochism are taken from the names of two European noblemen, the Marquis De Sade, (1740-1814) and Austrian novelist Count Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (1836-1895). De Sade wrote "Justine","Juliette" and "The 120 Days of Sodom", and von Sacher-Masoch wrote "Venus in Furs". Both men wrote about, and were reported to have practiced acts that included erotic pain, domination, and submission. Von Krafft-Ebing attempted to define sexual deviation by the behavior he observed in Victorian mental asylums. Of course the all people he observed were mentally ill, so he assumed that the sexual behaviors he saw were either a result of or the cause of their mental illness. He never asked any functional people about their sexual habits.

By the way, we can thank Krafft-Ebing for the idea that masturbation will make you crazy. He observed that 98 percent of the inmates in the asylum masturbated. One wonders if he inquired about the habit among his own colleges.

Freud went on to link mental health to sexual development. He theorized that mental problems arose from arrested sexual development. Since he believed that truly healthy people with "proper" mental health would grow up to enjoy missionary position sex with-in marriage and nothing else ... Freud thought that any deviation from "normal" sexual practice was a sign of arrested mental development, and thus again, were symptoms of some psychological disturbance.

So this circle logic continues ... if we don't understand it, it must be wrong, because we don't understand it, so it must be wrong. Right?

The best way to determine if someone is mentally ill or has some sort of psychological disturbance is to examine their daily life. Do they have a way to make a living? Do they maintain a home? Have friends, and relationships? Can they deal with the everyday tasks of life? Most healthy functioning people do, regardless of how wild and unfamiliar they're sexual practices maybe.

Before the Victorian era psychologist, we treated any one though "abnormal" by shunning them or worse, by burning them as witches or demons. Now we have "modern" science, and seek to justify those same superstitions with scientific method, calling it medical science. When we seek to link psychological pathology with non-destructive sexual practice, we doom ourselves to a lifetime of worry that something maybe wrong with our sexual delights.

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4. Sexual Addiction?

Some people consider what they believe to be an "abnormal" interest in sex to be a symptom of sexual addiction. That leads to the question how much interest in sex is "to much". Once again, this question is one that depends upon the person. When a persons fantasies, or pursuit of sexual pleasure adversely impact their daily lives, making it unmanageable, that is "to much". Just because a person has what maybe considered an outlandish sexual lifestyle by your standards, does not make them a sexual addict.

Sexual addiction and sexual dysfunction are real and are characterized by compulsively engaging in destructive sexual behaviors, or by using sex to bolster flagging self-esteem, or as a sort of fast food substitute for genuine emotional connection to another person.

It is important to understand that sexual addiction or other problems can manifest themselves in any form of sexual expression form the missionary position onward. Addiction has nothing to do with the style of sexual expression you choose from "normal" to the most outlandish kinky form that the individual prefers.

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5. Why Are People Kinky?

The truth of the matter is that know one knows why one person is kinky and another is not. There are people that practice S&M in all walks of life. I for example am an engineer. I know people that are Doctors, Lawyers, and Nurses, all who practice some form of kinky play. There are no statistics that link S&M or kinky sex to a personal history of child abuse or molestation or any other traumatic experience that I am aware of.

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6. Can Kinky People Be Cured?

If a person is happy with their life then why would they want to? It is difficult; however, to live in a society that does not accept the way you choose to manifest your love and your sexiness. People have been forced to choose between their families, marriages, children and their kinkyness. Most kinky fokes that I know would find it a tragedy to have to give up their most intimate and profound sexual experiences to satisfy a society that hates them.

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7. Once You Start Being Kinky Can You Quit?

Once again the answer is why would you want to. There is a common myth that once you experience "kinky" sex that once you begin to live your fantasies, begin to full fill your sexual desires, you will never be satisfied with "straight" sex again. Most kinky people enjoy "vanilla" sex as well as kinky sex. The term "vanilla sex" was supposedly coined by a leatherman when he was asked to describe what pleasures he took from standard sex. As we all know vanilla is the most popular flavor of ice cream.

Another myth is that kinky people can only get off on one strictly limited form of sex, that every detail must match their fantasy, to the most minute degree. In fact most kinky people develop a varied repertoire of sexual delights. It stands to reason that it would be so ... you share your fantasy with someone, in hopes that she'll share her fantasy with you. Together you learn from each other ... and the cycle of sexual exploration continues.

 

 

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8. Sexual Behavior Is Learned.

You learned what you know about enjoying sex from somewhere, so of course you can learn more and different ways to express and enjoy sexuality. This is true for vanilla and kinky people alike. We can all see ourselves as young or old dogs, with an endless ability to learn new tricks. Expanding your repertoire of sexual delights means that you don't have to give up what you have already learned to enjoy: it is always easier to add new behavior than to deny your deepest desires.

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9. What About Morality?

From our early years, we all have been taught there is a certain morality to sex, that some sex acts are right, and some sex acts are wrong, that certain sexual pleasures are a sin against God, society, your partner, and yourself. Many established religions teach that only a very limited range of sexual expression is acceptable from a spiritual point of view. Some religions teach that sex is the original sin, and is the root of all evil. Our European-American culture is so pervaded by its religious origins, that we as a culture tend to believe that sexual extermination and spiritual development are somehow opposed to each other, that one somehow means less than the other.

An enlightened sexuality can be a high expression of the human spirit. One branch of yoga study, called tantra, is among other things an exploration of how to attain spiritual growth and insight through personal intimacy and sexual practice.

An exploration of expanded sexual awareness brings with it a very high degree of ethics. Since there are no standard rules, no limits set in stone, each person must make the rules up as they go, therefore, we must always have respect and consideration for every person that may be affected by our actions. Meeting these goals requires a very high degree of consent. (More on this can be found elsewhere on this site). Many of us, I know that I did, grew up in a culture, where unless you said absolutely "no" to a sexual act, then consent was implied. Kinky sexuality sets the standard higher than that. It is not enough to just say "no" - there must be a spoken affirmative "yes" from every one involved in whatever sexual activity is planned. To do so, they must have a clear understanding of their own, and their partners desires and limits, which involves a very high degree of self understanding and self awareness.

Is kink moral? You must answer that for yourself. But, before you answer, put any sexuality you may hear about or experience to this test ... is anybody being harmed? Is everyone involved being treated with respect and with regard for their well being?

Sexual ethics demand consent, defined as "an active collaboration for the pleasure and well being of everyone concerned." anything less than that kinky or "straight" is not only immoral it is wrong.

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