9:00 am
So passes the first hour.  I spend my day like that, every day.  I count down the hours until I can leave.  It's not that this place is bad or the people mean, they are really nice and the job is easy, I just get so confused with this job.

I've been extraordinarily tired lately.  I actully started dozing off while counting loading slips.  If there's a lull in work (always) then I start dozing off.  I'm reminded that I get tired like this if I have an infection or it's too cold. (Though if I get infections it's always cold)

I'm usually something of an insomniac.  The best way I found of putting myself to sleep is to turn on the radio and try to float up where the music is.  Now I can do it without the music, though it is somewhat more difficult.

11:00 am
The computer tech installs my CD Rom at work today.  He is a hottie.  He is incredibly my type -- dark hair, dark eyes, presence, intelligence.  His name is Brad and if I were single I'd ask if he wanted my phone number.  But I'm not.  Too bad, so sad, moving on.

Men fascinate me, really, I know I've said it before but I mean it.  I never thought my type would ever be the big guys, but you know that's not what I go for.  I go for the big presence and it most often shows up in the big guys.  When I hear that a person is bi it really confuses me.  Men and women are so different how could both appeal to you like that?  Or maybe that's the thing.  I enjoy men too much and I enjoy being with them too much to have the interest necessary to be attracted to women that way.  I love to draw them, but the whole messy wonderful world of love and sex is not appealing to me with them.  It may seem "the lady doth protest too much" but not so.  It's just that I've had people think I was a lesbian. I gave it careful thought, just in case it were something I would be interested in exploring (I've never been one to lie to myself on purpose).  I even had a couple dreams, but even in the total acceptance of dreams, it wasn't something I was interested in.

I think that it is kind of strange, actually, that I find no stirring, no hint of that attraction considering I've had strong visions of myself as a man, in a former time.  If I believed in reincarnation, I'd really want to track this guy down.  Maybe it's just another facet of my fascination with men and their reactions, but it felt more personal than that. 

Which brings up another subject -- guy doctors:  Why aren't there any?  Women have gynecologists for the least and most female problems, why wouldn't men have one only for themselves and their male problems?  The closest they can come to problems of the male nature is the proctologist (ouch!) and centers like Planned Parenting (for STD testing - double ouch!!) When I was still searching for the specific medical field I wanted to go into I thought about doing General Practice and advertising as specializing in men and their special needs.  It was a nice thought, but I haven't had the money or the patience for the time it would take.  Maybe sometime in the future someone will take the idea and make it reality.  You never know what the future might bring.

2:00 pm
Reading over what I wrote earlier I realize I come off as a real nympho sometimes.  I'm not though.  I'm more a sensual person than a sexual one.  I like the touch and explorations and yes, foreplay much more than the sweaty messy deed itself.  Not to say in any way that I don't enjoy sex itself, but I love the "everything but" situations.  I love touching and being touched (tho being tickled turns me off like a switch).  I love wearing silk and leather and rayon and worn denim.  If I had the body I would dress in all the itty-bitty tight Victoria's Gossip clothes I could get my hot little hands on.  However, my body image is somewhat less than thrilling. Having babies and eating junk will do that to a person.  I am on a diet as of this Monday, though.  No candy or obvious junk.  No soda, or maybe only one every couple days.  We'll see how well it works.  I will not give up dairy, ever.  I am a cheese junkie.  I have been told that if I give up all junk, and dairy and cut my carbs in half I will end up nicely in a size 14.  That would be nice, but I haven't been a 14 since I was 14.  Except for my prom dress, but while it says it is a 10 (I still have it too) I doubt it's less than 14, possibly 12 (very doubtful).  Also, I was (unknowingly) pregnant at the time and I always lose weight when I get pregnant.
 

Of course after, I lose all that baby weight but I eat junk and gain it all back.  I have a real problem with willpower.  I have none.  I need somewhere I have to climb stairs; I lose it on the important places and it stays off.  In high school I thought nothing of walking ten miles to get to where I wanted to go.  If I found a job anywhere near home, I'd walk there.  Walking makes me feel like I'm actually doing something.