December

















Saturday 
4 December 1999
Looked up Rachel on the 'net to see if I could find my webpage.  Found instead a site called Rachel's Daily Diary, done by a girl in Berkeley.  She is so cool.  Just reinforces my belief that Rachels are really special.  Only a couple Rachels have let me down in life and I think that was more because I didn't really know them.  I am going to start this page today.  Ever since reading the Travels with Samantha by Phil Greenspun I've been thinking how neat it would be to chronicle your life for all to see.  Rachel's Daily Diary just confirms it.  So -- here I am.
    Been bummed today because everyone wants money from me.  My disability check ended last month (more on that later) and I am signed up with a temp agency.  I've only been out to one job (lasting two days) so far.  Hope my credit doesn't get so bad that I can't get a house.  I really don't think life likes me lately.  I had really hoped to be in my own house surrounded by my children and family and gardens and all sorts of wonderful life.  If my credit gets horrible now I won't have my house for 7 years.  That would be bad.

Sunday
5 December 1999
Watching a movie, "10 Things I Hate About You".  I thought it would be a bad movie or at least a real chick flick, but it's actually really cute and I love the poem at the end.  Deep thought gained from this experience -- even bitches have feelings.  No, really, the thought is that you don't have to be what everybody else expects you to be, you have an obligation and a right to be your own person.

I hate the way you talk to me,
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots,
And the way you read my mind.
I hate it so much it makes me sick,
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate the way you make me laugh,
And the way you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around,
And the  fact you didn't call.
But most of all I hate the fact that I don't hate you
Not even close,
Not even a little bit,
Not at all.

Monday
6 December 1999
My theory on love has made more than a few people stare at me in shock.  You would think that I was talking about boiling babies.  I think that love is not a good reason on which to base any major decision.  More crimes are done in the name of love than anything; and the criminals who use that as their excuse seem to think that saying they did it because of love makes it ok.  I'm not saying that love is not a wonderful and important part of life, as that seems to be the majority opinion of what I am trying to express, I'm just saying that it should not be held up as the sole reason for action, much less a relationship.  Relationships should be built on trust, friendship, ability to stand each others company, financial considerations (if applicable), as well as other common considerations.  Love comes and goes -- and if you don't have anything in common, it will go faster than otherwise.  Anyway, maybe I just explain it badly.  I love my family and I love my friends and on a good day I can find it in me to find something to love in everyone on the planet; but love is no reason to put yourself in a position where it has to support everything you do in a given situation.

Tuesday
7 December 1999
Went to a job today.  I am signed up with a temp agency for clerical work.  Today was supposed to be one day of straight data entry; it ended up being a half day because there were only a few pages of it to be done.  I guess I'm just too fast for my own good.  So I get home and call the agency to tell them that it only ended up being a half day (yes I only get paid for what I worked) and they ask if I have any medical experience what so ever.  I say of course, I took three years of Health Careers Academy in high school.  That's medical terminology, medical math, pre-nursing classes, and medical sciences.  They (the agency) say great!  It seems that the doctor's office I worked I today called after I left and asked if I was looking for full-time permanent work.  Of course I am!!!! Duh! You think I'm working one or two days a week because I like being broke?  Needless to say I did not express that side of the story, I just said 'yes, of course I am.'  So maybe they will hire me on a full-time basis.  That would be cool.  I hate hate hate hate hate being broke and stressing about my bills, and how to buy groceries, and bills, and why I don't have a house yet, and bills.
    I de-stress by planning how my house is going to look when I get it.  In psych class you learn to meditate by picturing a beautiful place, wherever on the earth or in the universe you would choose to be.  My house is my "green place".  I have a whole file of color swatches and rough drawing of room specifications and wallpaper and bathroom fixture catalogs.  When they asked me in middle school where I wanted to be in ten years I said in my house surrounded by kids and chickens.  We wrote these predictions down and the people mailed them to us after ten years.  I got mine and cried because life is so not like I wanted it to be.  The only thing going right is that I have the most wonderful kids ever.  I tell you, I went from plans to marry a rich guy in grade school, to chickens and kids in high school, now I just want to be able to pay my bills, get my kids decent Christmas presents and have a warm place to sleep and keep my junk.  The really good thing about being poor and desperate -- you didn't know what you could do with so little until you have even less.  I can really find the upbeat, can't I just. hehehehe.

Wednesday
8 December 1999
Looking up buttons and pictures on the 'net to find stuff to put on my pages.  I hope that I do use them because I have a lot of wonderful pictures.  I'm still looking for a good gryphon and phoenix pictures.
     Good news!  I have an interview next Thursday! Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it.  It's a place I worked at before and loved.  The people are all very nice and I would love more than anything (well maybe as lady companion to a filthy rich, nice, generous employer -- in your dreams dear!!) to work there again.  Lord of Host, be with us yet, lest we forget, lest we forget.
     Otherwise, very depressed with the bill situation vs. money situation.  'Oh, that again?' Yup.

Thursday
9 December 1999
Daddy had me come over to find the picture box in the front bedroom.  I had put it aside when I was looking in there for my Christmas box.  He borrowed the flatbed scanner from me and Wayne so he could scan the family pictures and add their stories and put them all in one place.  I think it's a wonderful way to put them in order.  We'll be able to see the pictures with the rest in order of time and see what was happening and what everybody was thinking at the time.
     Mom, my grandma, and her brothers started writing over e-mail about when they were young.  Chicago in the 1920's, San Francisco in the 30's.  I think it's fantastic.  I save all the stories to disk.  No one wants to admit that we want these stories out so that we can have at least a part of them to keep when they are gone.  I don't know what we are going to do when my grandmother is gone.  I feel like the whole family has been built around her for so long.  We are not close, but she is the head of the family.  What will we do without her?  I don't want to find out for a long time.  I think that's why so many of us want her to give one of us her house in her will.  That house is home base just like she is the head.  We all grew up in and out of that house, though only a few of us actually lived there.  We all pretended that the backyard (a 1/2 acre?), with the pool and full of plants and fruit trees was our own private jungle.  She was the queen who deigned to notice us once in awhile.  Who graced us with her presence long enough to swim gracefully around the lagoon (the swimming pool) and sat under the grape arbor to watch us grow up.  She is frail now, though I didn't believe it until the first time I noticed weeds daring to grow in her gardens and realized they were there because she could no longer get out there to shoo them away.  Weeds had never dared to stay in her gardens before, or maybe I just never noticed them before.  I've never been very close to her, always felt that I disappointed her somehow, but I will miss her horribly when I can't talk to her anymore.

Friday
11 December 1999
Thought we were going to do a bunch of errands; instead Wayne slept in and we ended up going nowhere until it was time to get my daughter, Lorelei.  My temp service called me in the morning asking if I could work but I thought we were going to do a bunch of stuff so I said sorry.  I should have gone.  We didn't go on errands, and we left late to get Lorelei.  My dad let us borrow a bunch of money to pay bills since I am still out of work but bills don't stop.  However, he didn't get his money until late, and we were on the road up to Angel's Camp where my ex and his family live by the time he called.
     The arrangement we have, loosely, is that we go get her on Fridays and my ex's wife comes get her on Sunday.  It doesn't always work that way, but it's better than the past three years, with my father doing all the driving both days every weekend.  It sucks majorly that we have to go all that way at all, but that's where they love to live and I get no say in it.  I would prefer to have Lorelei live here during the week, but she's always been a daddy's girl and continues to be so.  My house isn't as fun as daddy's too.  At least me and my ex aren't at each others throat.  I've heard the horror stories.  We have as civil a divorce as we did a marriage.  That whole escapade reads like a soap opera.
     We had been married for three years approximately, and I no longer wanted to deal with his anger and patronizing attitude so I told him he could find himself another wife.  I wasn't going to leave, I just wanted him to find someone else to dump on.  He jumped at the chance and six months later we moved in with a friend of mine from high school. Two months after that they were together.  It really worked well for a few months, until I realized that I was being excluded from the family altogether.  I started talking to another friend of mine and he disliked how I was being treated.  He and I ended up together and my ex and his girlfriend ended up in San Andreas.  It took a year before anyone had the money for a divorce proceeding and then another six months for it to go through.  They were married the weekend after it was final.  They now have one big happy family with him and her, her daughter from a previous marriage, Lorelei, and their son they have together.  I'm sure they are much happier pretending I don't exist, but that's ok, since I do the same with them during the week.  I just pretend my daughter is off at school.  Yes, I'm in denial, it works for me though.
     So the transmission is going out on our semi new car and daddy gave us money to fix that too.   We bought it when I still had my job.  It's a '91 Dodge Caravan, a total mommy's car.  I like it.  It does seem that since we got it we have been seeing ones just like it everywhere, though.  I realize that's a well known phenomenon to new car owners.  You always see cars just like yours everywhere.  We see white ones with wood siding, just like ours.  And it's not the same one, I check the license plates.  It's strange. Weeeeeoooooooo. Hehehehe.
     Daddy and Mommy have given us a bunch of money for bills and groceries and miscellaneous need 'em items.  We don't owe them the money, though.  We owe them a whole retirement.  We are my parent's retirement fund.  God, I need a job.

Saturday
12 December 1999
Kyle's birthday is this coming Thursday.  December is always a tough month, with his birthday and Christmas and Lorelei's birthday on the 27th.  Along with Thanksgiving just past and my birthday just before that, presents are a pain.  We won't have Lorelei next weekend, it's her father's weekend, so we should have celebrated his birthday today.  I didn't do the cake on time, so maybe we can just ask their mother if we can have them over for dinner sometime this week.
     To get the relationships straight -- Wayne is my fiancee, he has two children from a previous girlfriend.  Kyle is his son, he's 7 on this coming Thursday.  Tabitha (Tabi) is his daughter, she will be 6 in April.  Lorelei is my daughter, she will be 7 two days after Christmas.  Ana is our daughter together.  She will be 3 in February.  We have a his/hers/ours relationship.  Wayne I met in high school.  He is four years older than I.  My ex-husband was ten years older than I and he had the attitude that I was the child and he the adult.  I hated that.  Maybe he didn't do it consciously, but he still did it.

Sunday
13 December 1999
I've been having a lot of anxiety attacks lately, I'm not sure why.  I only have them when I'm relaxing at home, usually in the evening, but not all the time.  They are probably about the no money situation, but then why aren't they during the day when I usually worry about things?  I don't know if I should tell a doctor, he would only tell me it's stress related.  I just hate they way they feel. It's also times like that that my heart starts doing it's palpitations.  I have medicine I'm supposed to take when that happens, but the doctor says it's not serious even though he admits he doesn't know exactly what's wrong.  Yay.
     I was bored tonight, but I didn't have anything to do.  Usually I read, or have a show on TV, or I used to paint figurines.  My book is getting boring, so I'm putting off finishing it.  There are none of my shows on until Tuesday (Buffy and Angel!!!!!!!).  My figurines are in storage, like most everything else of ours.  We thought that we would only be in this apartment while we found something larger.  We lived in our first apartment for three years, until November 98, when the walls started to close in and then they were going to raise the rent.  We moved into Wayne's sister's house then and boy was that a mistake.  I knew it was going to be hard, two strong-minded women is hard in one house.  I knew that from when we lived with my ex, his now wife and me with the kids in the house on Caywood.  At least we agreed on most things about the house.  So, staying with Wayne's sister ended in a fight, I think it started as an argument about who didn't respect who the most.  We were out of there by March.  I lived at my parents for two weeks, with Ana.  Wayne stayed most nights in the car or at a friends house.  Neither of us had our other kids during that time.  We found this apartment as a temporary until we found something bigger.  Now it looks like we will be here for a little longer than I thought.
     I got tired of having almost no Christmas pretties and no way to buy any.  I grabbed a wire hanger from the closet and a green garland I had from last year.  I wrapped the garland around the hanger and kept on until it was bunched and wound on that hanger and was not coming off.  I picked up my long strand of beads and some bows and stuck those on.  Now I have a beautiful wreath, though I still can't hang it on my door outside.  The kids in these apartments would probably take it.  Oh well.  At least it's something pretty.  I get so tired of not having any of my pretty things with me.  We only have necessary things here.

Monday
13 December 1999
Paid bills today with the money daddy let us borrow.  Went to storage and dug through stuff to get out my paints and figurines.  I paint one inch figurines from role-playing games like Dungeons and Dragons and Shadowrun.  I got in a good four hours of painting with brushes the size of straight pins and I feel a lot less stressed now.  Other than that it was a very boring day.

Tuesday
14 December 1999
9:45am
Took the car into the transmission place this morning.  They said that it wasn't the transmission filter like Wayne thought.  We have to leave it for half a day so they can look at it. They said they'd look at it for free, thank goodness, and figure it out.  We have the money daddy gave us, I don't know what we're going to do if it ends up being more than what we have.
     Why do things always have to come out to money?  Why not something else, something I have plenty of.  In the books it's always something like morals or bad history or emotions that stand in the way of the goal.  I wouldn't even mind if it were time we were having a problem with, though it is said time is money, so that doesn't work either.  But time I have plenty of, I don't get in trouble that requires me to check my moral thermometer, and I'm fairly calm, so I rarely get in trouble with my emotions.  Bad history I have so little of, my life is really pretty dull.  Somewhat average home life, average looks, average grades, somewhat average friends.  If I weren't having trouble with money my life would all in all be somewhat perfectly average.  Goody, something else to be depressed about.  Hehehe.  Can't really be too depressed over average though, too many people have it so much worse.

There is enough good in the worst of us,
And bad in the best of us,
It ill behooves the most of us
To talk about the rest of us.
10:00pm
We finally called the transmission place  about 4:00pm and asked if they looked at our car yet.  They said that it must be something inside the transmission and that they would need $1300 to take it apart to figure out what is wrong with it.  Needless to say, we don't have anywhere near $1300 and we won't have it anytime soon. Wayne went and picked up the car, his dad gave him a ride out there.  Wayne decided that he's going to fix it himself.  He really thinks it is the filter, that the transmission place was just trying to get more money out of us.  We went to Kragen, the only car parts place we go to, and picked up a book on the car, a filter, and transmission fluid.  Wayne will do the car on Sunday.
     My temp service, Kelly, called me up with an interview opportunity for today, but they wanted me to go in when the car was at the transmission place and I couldn't go.  They called back later and said I could go tomorrow at 5:30pm.  It's in Lathrop, in a school bookstore.  That job would be nice, but I really hope I get the one Thursday.  I past up an interview for the same position last year.  I had taken the county test for the position, Office Assistant II, but I was scared of doing the phones, so I passed it up.  That would have been a permanent position with benefits, and it was never filled.  I would have had an 'in' since I already worked there, and I feel so stupid passing it up.  It is being interviewed as a temporary position now, but if I get it, then when the test comes around again, I'll take it and maybe get the permanent position.  Hope hope hope.  Wish me luck, remember me in your prayers.  Lord of hosts, be with us yet...

Wednesday
15 December 1999
11:08pm
Decided yesterday to include the time in the entries.  That gives me a chance to tell what was before something happened and after, i.e. the transmission shop episode.
     Tonight I had the interview in Lathrop.  Wayne thought that it would take a long time to get there from here, it ended up only taking, with a stop to get gas and another to get the cell phone from his father, 45 minutes.  Well the interview went well.  I actually hope I get it.  I know I did want the position with the county, but this one sounds nicer; better people, better chance of permanent employment. It would be for the UPh in Lathrop, nice place.  If I get hired, I have a better chance to become a permanent employee with medical, dental, and vision insurance, benefits, 401k plan, good money, and they pay for my education if I decide to further myself.  That is a $20,000 education for free.  Heck, even as a temp the money is excellent.
     I will still interview for the county position tomorrow.  I have to get up bright and early in the morning to get there.  I am going to wear my good suit.  I love that suit, I got it at the thrift store for $6.
     I am addicted to thrift stores, love them.  I can no longer shop in a regular clothes store.  I look at the prices on those clothes and I ask myself 'Who would pay this much for one pair of pants?'  I just can't pay $20 for one pair of jeans when I can go to a good thrift store and get 10 pairs for the same amount.  And if you have a good eye and know exactly what you want, you can be better dressed than most of the people you know who buy expensive clothes from the department stores.  It really amazes me what I find in the thrift stores.  There actually are people who will buy something that costs an arm and a leg, get it home, and decide that it just doesn't work for them and then give it to the thrift stores or donate it to charity, WITH THE TAG STILL ON!  A friend of mine found a $200 brocaded linen suit for under $20.  The tag was still on it and it had obviously never been worn.  I love the thrift store!

Thursday
16 December 1999
10:00 am
Had an interview at the county job this morning.  It's offering a part-time position at $7.50 an hour until sometime in March.  I called the guy from UPh and told him (his machine) I wanted the job, if they wanted me.
2:00pm
The guy called me back and said come in at noon Monday for a second interview.  If they don't find someone between now and then that they want to come in for a second interview (he thinks unlikely), then that will be my first day of work.  I hope I get this job.
     Have been looking through my writing basket to find Christmas cards.  I found letters from Raymond, my friend in the navy.  He wrote me letters from the posts he visited.  I sent him a couple of cards and several email; I don't know if he ever got any of it.  A mutual friend told me he was on a different ship now, so I stopped the email.  Haven't heard from him for a couple years now, but I remember him every year on his birthday.  I was thinking of calling his mom and asking her for his address.  I really miss him, he was a very good friend.
     I know that opposite sex friends will, at one time or another in their friendship, think about a relationship.  Maybe the thought takes all of 5 seconds or maybe it's not even a conscious discussion with yourself, but it does happen.  I have had this discussion with myself and I usually arrive at my decision within a few minutes or less.
     When I was in high school, Wayne was one of those few guys who asked me out.  My decision then was that I was waiting for a certain other guy to hurry up and ask me, but i didn't want to lose Wayne.  I told him this as nicely as possible and kept him as a friend.  Now, ten years later (give or take) he has his wish and we are together.  The joke's on him, no?
     I've only been in 3 relationships in my life.  Maybe that's admirable to some or pathetic to others, but to me that's just the way it happened.  I went into high school waiting for one guy.  We finally got together when someone asked us for the umpteenth time if we were going out and instead of the standard answer (no, we're just friends) I turned and asked him "Well are we?" He looked a little startled but was quick enough to agree that yes, we were.  That was the beginning of that.  My first true love.  Nothing like it, never will be again.  We were together for something over a year, though it felt like so much longer.  He broke up with me the day before Valentine's day.  I met my future husband two months after that.  (What I thought was kind of ironic, I told my husband it was over the same day, February 13, 4 years later.)
     I hated my ex-husband the first time I met him, he was ten years older than me and he had done something that really hurt a close friend of mine.  It wasn't entirely his fault, but that's not the point.  He informed me the first day we met that he had come back to our hometown in order to marry me.  A mutual friend (the reason for the hatred) had told him all about me.  To what purpose I may never know.  It took him a good (or bad) 8 months to even get me to like him, another few to agree that we were going to marry.  He wanted the same future I wanted. We thought alike and at times were so alike each other that it was truly scary.  I knew it wouldn't last, I knew but I ignored it.  Sometimes fate bonks you on the head hard enough that you can't possibly ignore what you have to do.  So I convinced myself (already at 16 suffering from wannabeamommyitis) that this was the best I was going to get.  At the time I really think he was.  That relationship gave me something I desperately needed to grow in myself.  Maybe I shouldn't have married him, maybe I should have left way before I did.  But I was raised to believe that sex belonged in a marriage and you don't quit, even when you're drowning.
     So, comes the current relationship.  He didn't like the situation with my ex.  Even since the very beginning, in high school, he had always been a good knight on a gleaming charger figure.  My own personal hero.  The reality was far different by the time we got together.  He had let himself destroy his body and mind and self-control.  However, he needed me.  If ever there was a good or bad reason to do anything, being needed will get me every time.  We get along well now.  He's been clean and gaining control of his life by leaps and bounds, three years now.  We suit each other, even if it's never all that easy.  We love each other and we compliment each other and who needs easy anyway?

Friday
17 December 1999
Spent most of the day going through the other links on Rachel's pages.  I've gone through her diary up to January this year, and I wanted to see everything else she had.  I think I found most if not all.  It's all very cool and she's very talented.
     Wayne went to a friend's house so I was actually alone in the house (with Ana, but she was down for a nap) for once!  He picked up his kids from their mother's house before he came home.  Thankfully I had Kyle's cake in the oven before they got here and it was done before dinner.  We gave him Star Wars ships for presents.  They are just the right size, hand sized.  He clutches all his toys in a death grip, so these are easy to carry.
     Kyle and Ana have an ongoing war, ever since she was old enough to realize there were other people in her world than mommy.  She loves to harass him and she knows just how to do it.  He is afraid of babies in general because they cry for no reason and grab what comes too near.  Ana learned this real quick.
     Kyle has a mild case of cerebral palsy and autism.  The doctors find something more wrong with him every so often.   I think they're just trying to find a name for his general condition and it's not that easy.  He suffered some sort of brain damage before he was born, I think it's from the epilepsy medicine his mother was taking before she knew she was pregnant.  However, what is wrong with him is so slight that there are so absolute signs of any one condition.  He has no physical problems that I can see, although he goes to a physical therapist once a week.  I'll have to ask his therapist next time we take him.  He has a speech problem, which also has therapy once a week for, attention deficit, and maybe something of a learning disability, though that's hard to really get a hold on how bad it is because the attention problem makes him not want to do anything for very long.  He has a real problem doing his work and when he doesn't feel like it he will say things like "I can't do it." and he will keep saying it until he is told that he doesn't have to.  Unfortunately, more people give up on him than try to keep on him.  I think he needs a one-on-one tutor at least part of the time but he was put into main stream schooling without tutoring, and his mother doesn't have the patience to make him do his homework.  A lot of the time she does it for him and it's getting to the point that even the teachers are noticing.

Saturday
18 December 1999
3:36pm
Updated my journal for yesterday.  I notice that I'm writing down on paper then the next day I'll go and write on here that day and the current day.  That's fine.
     Kyle and Tabi's grandfather picked them up this morning about 9:40 to take them to Kyle's birthday party.  They went to the place at the mall with games and rides.  They came back about noon.

Sunday
19 December 1999
I'm supposed to maybe start the job tomorrow.  I hope I get it, thought the hours are going to take some getting used to.  The hours are from noon to 9pm.  That gives me the whole morning to do errands if I need to, but only if I can get us up early enough.  I'm pretty much a night person and I've been having trouble lately getting to sleep at night.  It doesn't help that the TV is in the same room as our bed.  Ever since I was a kid, if the TV was on, it was very hard not to pay attention to it, no matter what was on.  With TV and the regular worries it's getting so bad that I don't get to sleep until 3am most nights.  I have to see about checking out something from the library about meditation; it works during childbirth if you can get your mind into it from the beginning.
     Renamed my files for my webpages today to make it easier to find what I want to put on here.  I have a system now to tell me what the picture is and if it is a background (bk), a border (bd), a button (bt), or a line (ln).  If it's just a picture then there is no identifying suffix.  It works so far.  I had to go through and delete all the old file names from the webpage server and reload them.  This was tiresome, as our computer is lagging big time when loading.  Wayne doesn't know what the problem is, but I have faith that he will fix it.
     He hasn't had a problem yet on the computer that he couldn't fix, even if it takes him a while.  It hasn't yet taken him more than a couple days to figure out how to fix any problem and usually only takes a few minutes to a few hours, even for major problems.  I am in awe of him; I will probably never know computers as well as he does, being as I am a computer illiterate from way back.  He is self-taught and the things he can do with ease just baffle me, even after explanation.  D, my first boyfriend, was the same way and I always felt very stupid when he tried to explain something like that to me.  I comfort myself with the knowledge that everyone has their strengths and though computers are definitely not mine, I do have quite a few.  I have seen others give me that blank look while I am explaining something, the look that says, "I have no bloody idea what you are talking about, you might as well be speaking in tongues, but maybe if I stare at you like I'm paying attention, you will not think I'm quite as stupid as I feel right now".
     I have always been around computers, too, since high school.  D was very into them, Ny (my ex-husband) was into them too, and though he wasn't as stunning in his intelligence with them, it was still beyond my grasp of the knowledge. My father got a computer of his own when I was dating D and has enjoyed the internet and what he could do with his 'puter.  Now Wayne is good with them.  I'm really surprised I don't know more about them.  Maybe I've fought learning more than my word processing program before now, in protest of how much time and attention of my loved ones the thing has taken from me.  I didn't used to think I was so self-centered, now I'm older and wiser and I know better.

Monday
20 December 1999
10:29pm
Catching up on my journal.  Went to the second interview at noon.  He said that he had one more interview and I needed to call him by 4:30 this afternoon.  I called at 4:00 and left a message.  He called back at 5:30pm or so and I begin tomorrow at 9:00am.  After the first the hours go back to noon to 9:00pm, but right now for these couple of weeks, the hours are 9:00am to 6:00pm.  That's ok, it gives me time to tie up loose ends and teach Wayne what to do all day with Ana.  He will be watching her.  He doesn't want to, but we owe our daycare lady money for when Ana went and I was on maternity leave.  She can't go back until we pay it all.  That's ok.  I have a job now, even if it is only temporary, it is good enough to pay the bills for now.
     Today was very depressing, though nothing out of the ordinary happened.  Maybe it was the fact that nothing out of the ordinary happened.

Tuesday
21 December 1999
10:51pm
Today was the first day of work.  It was good, I'm going to learn a lot.
Disco fairy

Wednesday
22 December 1999
10:20 am
I didn't ask anyone before I left yesterday what I was supposed to be doing today, and they went to a meeting in Sacramento this morning.  They won't be back until this afternoon, so I'm just sort of sitting around reviewing my notes from yesterday  The people who are here don't have anything for me to do.
     However, RPlant, the Admissions person (excuse me, Academic Counselor!), says that with the holidays there really isn't that much to do anyway.  She's a trip.  She likes Bob Marley and Robert Plant, and has a neon bead curtain hanging in her office window.  It was a present from a co-worker at the office Christmas party.
     Kitty is the person who is training me  She's cool.  She's the one who gave RPlant the bead curtain.
     Meme is the girl whose place I am taking, while she's on maternity leave.  She's leaving after this week, so she's teaching me to do what she does first.
     On the subject of music, I'm finding that country music (which is mainly what I listen to) is not as hated by the general populace as it's rumored to be.  When people ask what music I listen to I tell them "Yes, I'm one of those annoying country music people", but I'm finding that nearly all the people I talk to like at least a few country songs.  I started listening to it right before my divorce and my oh so understanding, laid back husband used that against me when I left him, saying "You've changed!"  I had to laugh at that despite the situation, I never expected him to use that phrase.  I used to listen to oldies, and I still do, on tape or CDs.
     The radio station doesn't play the good stuff anymore.  Some oldies stations play mostly 80'S, claiming those are  oldies.  Bullpucky.  Oldies are 60's, 70's and a nice pepper of 50's.  Blood, Sweat and Tears; Beatles; Oingo Boingo; James Taylor; Elvis, these type and a few whose names I don't know.  These I like.  Beach Boys; Buddy Holly; and Richie Valens I can stand in small doses.  I listen to the radio to hear the music, not talk; radio shows talk way too much and play way too many commercials.  I know they have to to get the money to stay on the air, but I don't want to hear it.
     I tell some people about this journal and they have asked why I do this. I like the idea of people knowing I'm here; I guess I'm sort of an exhibitionist; instead of my body (well, somewhat that too) it's my life I'm putting on display.  I've had people tell me I'm pretty and some others tell me I'm smart or "real".  I didn't used to believe it and I'm not sure I'm totally convinced now, but I like people to know that there is a person in this shell and it's all connected and I'm really here.  I imagine myself in the commercial where the red and yellow M & Ms see Santa and Santa says "they do exist" and the red M & M says "he does exist" except I imagine it's my brain and my body saying "it does exist", because very rarely are both acknowledged at once.  Either people are impressed with my looks or my smarts, but rarely at the same time or by the same people.
3:15 pm
I am hard pressed to define my favorite thing.  I like so many different things -- pigs, angels, smiley faces, flying creatures (except vultures), fantasy, things and people that make me think, talking about myself, hearing others talk about themselves, plats and gardening, music, singing, playing the violin (not good at it, just like it), my webpage, writing, my tattoo, a fun college class (anthropology, sculpture, algebra, psychology, anatomy, robotics), space exploration, Mars, the possibility of life and/or colonies on Mars, Sloths, prehistoric sloths, good clothes, dressing up, a good set of shoulders on a man, beards, a man's body, being held at night, a daiquiri ice ice cream, peanut butter and chocolate ice cream, lasagna, fettecini alfredo with chicken and broccoli, raspberry cheesecake, extra rare steak, sweet peas in tuna casserole, persimmon bread, potato cheese soup, vegetable soup, braunschwager and cream cheese sandwiches, cheese , my mother's roast beast, my grandmothers meringue cookies, my father's little Joe Special, raviolis, Italian good in general, eating at Genghis Khan's and Black Angus and Marie Calendar's (not at the same time!), pretty things, architecture, medicine and the medical profession, reading, a good romance book (one that makes me laugh, cry or both), sci-fantasy, books, Robert Heinlein, Isaac Asimov's robot books, Mercedes Lackey, Piers Anthony, my TV shows (Buffy!!!!!!!!!!!, Angel!, Charmed, Time of her Life), VH1 Pop Up Video, John Denver, Annie Lennox, Blues Traveler, Oingo Boingo, James Taylor,  etcetera ad nauseum.  My favorite things are tied between my kids and the house I will someday have.  These are what keep me going when I just want to give up and quit, live in a cave in the woods somewhere.
10:00 pm
L ad Lu showed up tonight to give us presents.  I gave them the presents for J and Sara.  It was nice; we didn't expect anything, though I remembered her saying she was making blankets.  Lu also made a huge basket of goodies.  Four kinds of cookies, three breads, brownies, fudge and chocolate dipped pretzels.  Yum!  They stayed and visited for awhile.  I held Sara and danced with her for a little while.  She is able to hold her head up and she rests really well on a shoulder, peeking over.  She loves to watch the TV, so many bright colors and moving pictures.
     L and Lu have wanted kids since they first married, so when they found out that Lu couldn't have kids due to a medical problem, they looked into other options.  The fertility drugs gave her severe problems and adoption through the state fell through.  They didn't have the money for private adoption or surrogate.  I heard about all their problems when I was pregnant with Ana.  Now, I had friends when I was 16 who went through the same problems and I saw first hand how devastating it is to want children so bad and to be disappointed over and over again.  I wished I could do something then, but couldn't.  Now I could.  If anyone deserves kids it's L and Lu.  I told them that I would be willing to act as a surrogate.  Thus Sara.  People outside of family were stunned that I would do it, even for friends.  Family knew me better and already thought I was strange and unpredictable.  Not really, but that's what they think.
     The reactions ranged from "Wow, that's really cool", to "How could you give up your daughter" to "Wow that's really cool, but how could you give up your daughter?"  To those who questioned my decision I told them that these were my friends, they deserved a child and I never thought of Sara as my daughter.  I am just the messenger.  Sara is a child I carried for my friend because she was unable to.  Yes, it was my egg; no, she is not mine.  To my children I just told them I was holding the baby for Lu.  That was the truth in the simplest form, and it was easier to explain it that way than to try to explain the reasons behind the decision.  Besides, it was no one's business but ours.  She has a large, wonderful family who loves her more than anything; a family who is more grateful to me than I sometimes know how to handle.  At least they don't gush, I hate when people gush.  They make sure I know exactly how much I've done for them and they are extremely appreciative, but they don't gush.

Thursday
23 December 1999
If I had to point to one thing that proved maturity it would have to be when you realize that your parents and other people in authority are human too.  They have thoughts, they live in their heads just like you.  There is no mysterious "they".  "They" do not exist.  Life is only millions on millions of people, living inside their own heads.  Each person has a reason for what they do.  They each have a history of good and bad that govern their thinking and their reasons for doing something.  Bad people live inside their heads, and they have reasons.  Good people live in their heads and have reasons.  Indifferent people, retarded people, handicapped people, your parents, your neighbors, the police, the Congress, the President.  I'm not saying that their reasons are good, or easy to understand even if you know them, just that they exist.  Most people know this plain fact, about themselves or family or friends, but maturity has to be when you can really truly understand it about a total stranger, without having met them or had any contact.  Without knowing their names or their friends.  It's just that simple and so very hard to understand.
     I believe one of the most mature questions you can ask is "How did it happen?"  You are acknowledging someone else's history.  You do not lay blame or assume; you are just asking for fact as told by another.,
     When God tells us to "love one another as you love yourself"  He wasn't just talking about the heart love; the mind is deeply involved in true love.  Not just the emotion of loving, but the understanding of another just as you understand yourself.

Monday
27 December 1999
Lorelei's Birthday!
     Called D the day before Christmas Eve.  He called back on Christmas.  He was coming down with the flu, poor baby.  It was good to hear his voice.  He has a nice smooth deep voice.  We wished each other Merry Christmas and I asked if he minded me using his name in my Footnotes.  He said he didn't mind, but I think I'll just stick with the initial like in my paper diary.
     We celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve because my dad's birthday is on Christmas Day.  Nobody gave him any presents either day this year.  I felt really bad.  I know none of us really had money this year, but still--no presents at all?  I remember one year I got 1 present and that was ok.  Me and Wayne went to Barnes & Noble and got him a couple really cool Star Wars books the day after Christmas.  He liked them.
     Today was Lorelei's birthday.  She turned 7.  This year can't have been the best for her, either.  We descended upon Mom (my grandmother) for dinner for the third day this week.  It was good, but I already didn't feel well.  Too much chocolate and hopefully not flu.  I made a 13x9 inch cake.  Chocolate on chocolate, of course.  We didn't have ice cream and only Mom, my parents, Wayne, me, Lorelei and Ana were there.  No big party, no lots of people or presents.  December birthdays suck.  Wayne's birthday is on the next holiday and he never looks forward to it.
     He wants a Voodoo 3 2000 Pci card more than anything this year and he would have been able to get it if we didn't have to get other things.  Mommy and Daddy got Lorelei the Blue box Pokemon Multi Media set and we got her the Crayola multi media box.  Mom gave her a purse from Guatemala with money in it.  We also gave her her very own webpage and email address.
     I really don't feel well tonight.  Hopefully it goes away.  I have got to work tomorrow; I simply can't afford a day sick right now.

Tuesday
28 December 1999
9:00 am
Took day off sick.  Hate to, but I don't feel good.
1:00 pm
Don't have any clean clothes.  Usually Sunday is laundry day but this Saturday was Christmas and Sunday we had to shop for Lorelei's birthday.  Monday was Lorelei's birthday. So we went to daddy's and did laundry.  Lorelei and Ana got to play, Wayne and daddy got to talk computers, and I got to veg on the couch and do laundry.

Wednesday
29 December 1999
Felt much better by bedtime last night, so went to work.  Half the people in the office are being transferred to Sacramento and Jeanine (the other new girl) and I are going to be the only ones at night doing customer service. Today was a flurry of trying to make sure we had all the instruction we need.  Next week the students come back and we need to be up and running.
12:04 pm
Went grocery shopping and got a cart full of groceries after work.  Feels good to be able to afford it all.

Thursday
30 December 1999
12:00 pm
I started office work in May 1998.  It has been rough going, since no one will tell you what you're doing wrong socially until you really piss them off.  There are books and texts to tell you how to dress, how to communicate business (memos, grammar, office speech, etc.), and how to understand that people are all different, from different cultures.  None tell you that person-to-person means saying please, thank you, and sorry ALOT!  Three or four times more that you would in a regular situation with everyone else, including your own family.
     Voicing your personal opinions is also something you don't do until the other people are comfortable with your presence in the office.  People in the office, whether consciously or not, are touchy about status.  If you come in, your opinions blaring and you come on too strong in your beliefs, others will take it as a challenge.  Not that you should be a mouse; being interesting and opinionated is fine as long as you're not the least pushy about it.  And if someone else insists you are wrong in your opinion, just shut up about it.  If you try to win an argument in an office, you will lose, even if you are right.
     I have learned also that you have a limit of 3 (4 tops!) sentences starting with "I".  After that you're just showing off.  Allow 3-6 sentences from somebody else before starting again.  Above all, stay calm.  Over excitement can be misconstrued by coworkers and management as fanaticism, pushiness, or drug-induced fervor.

Friday
31 December 1999
12:30 pm
I asked Lorelei what she likes about being here and she said she likes daddy's better.  I asked what she likes better about there and she says she gets better stuff there (Wayne doesn't like Pokemon, so she doesn't get to play with it very often).  She has been here since Christmas Eve, she goes back on the 2nd of January.  I like having her here, it feels more normal than just having Ana here.  This week has gone very well, except for her saying she likes daddy's because she gets more stuff.  I have her writing 10 good things and 10 bad things about here and daddy's tomorrow as soon as she finishes breakfast.
     Instead of sending an extra payment to Wayne's credit card, we bought him a birthday present.  He got his Voodoo graphics card.  It's supposed to make all the graphics on his computer better.
12:03 am
Happy New Year's!  Lots of fireworks and sparklers, some gunshots, no sign of the Y2K virus yet.