This is a funny email that one of my friends sent me:

A bus station is where a bus stops

A train station is where a train stops

On my desk, I have a work station…

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me...they were cramming for their finals.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Go ahead and take risks...just be sure that everything will turn out OK…

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

As I said before, I never repeat myself!

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Think "honk" if you're telepathic

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:

12% Monday

23% Tuesday

40% Wednesday

20% Thursday

5% Friday

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car

I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".

Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?

It's hard to make a comeback, when you haven't been anywhere.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question.... ....or is it?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

Be nice to your kids. They will be choosing your nursing home.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. She gets mad if I interrupt her.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Remember, half the people in the world are below average.