12/14/99
And what a happy year it has been for the Festergaufen clan!
Of course we didn't get nearly as much as we wanted accomplished,
but then we never do!
Henry got yet another promotion/salary increase for the 5th year in a row. He also got a
brand new Mustang convertable as a "bonus" for being the only district manager in the South
Texas who has managed to keep his employess from forming a union.
Mary still manages to do charity work, despite her busy schedule of being the perfect
homemaker. See the enclosed photos to see Mary's work decorating the house for Christmas.
See also the enclosed copy of a letter from Martha Stewart, saying it's a good thing nobody
knows about Mary, otherwise she'd be out of work. Oh, and for those of you who haven't sent
us presents already, we won't object to your making donations in Mary's name to her new
favorite charity - BLISS ("Blasting Lazy Immigrants into Space Soon"). Wonderful group that
wish to buy NASA from the government so we can start blasting immigrants and other
subversives into space.
Kitty, our eldest, is still at graduate school in Cambridge working upon her tri-Masters in
Nuclear Physics, Computer Engineering and 16th Century Russian Poetry. She's working as Dr.
Stephen Hawkings' lab assistant to pay her bills. Dr. Hawkins says he feels she may well be
more brilliant than he is. Despite this, she's still living on the full swimming
scholarship that she was given shortly after she won State in the 100 m Butterfly, four
years straight. Kitty still swims for the Harvard team and is thinking of taking a year off
so she can compete in the Olympics next year.
Brad just completed his junior year and things could not be better. Aside from being
Captain of the Football AND Soccer teams, Brad was also President of the Honor Society,
Student Council and Latin Club. He also played the lead in the school's production of "The
Music Man"
Despite all these activities, Brad still manages a perfect 4.0 GPA and recently founded a
"Students For Buchanan" chapter at his school.
This leads us to announce that a we'll soon have a new member to write about next year.
We've decided to let the sex be a mystery, but we do know that little Francis/Frances
(though we may change that) is already able to understand language at the capacity of a
four-year old! If you check our website, you can see the FMV of the ultrasound of Henry
telling the baby to kick, punch and dance around.
Well, that's all for this year.
Have a Merry, White Christmas
The Festergaufens
Speaking of gifts, feel free to forward this letter to your friends and spread my gift of
laughter. We'll be needing it for the next week as civilization collapses and society
devolves into a wild Mad Maxian state of anarchy. Thankfully, I'll be hunkered down in my
basement with my 30,000 cans of spam and 10,000 gallons of Ozark spring water, awaiting the
day when I can emerge and my horded food goods will make me ruler of the world. (Note to
all the ladies: I will begin taking applications for my harem after Jan 2, 2000)
I'm just kidding, of course. But if civilization really DOES collapse, let's all get
together and form a roving band of nomads wandering the countryside looting, pillaging,
sacking and burning (in that order). You know where to meet. :)
Return to the Main Rant page.
Okay. I've gotten one too many holiday letters and needed to blow off some steam. Besides,
I also wanted to write all my close friends and say Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy
Hanukkah, Merry Ramadan, Happy Kwanza, Merry Winter Solstice, Happy Feast of Maximum
Occupancy or whatever you call this grand excuse we all share to get together with our
families, watch football, overeat and exchange gifts.