Many Northerners' possess negative conceptions of people in the South. For example, a while back I went to New York City and I suffered quite a bit after people found out I was a Texan. All I heard was "Oh really? I'll change the radio to a country station." or worse still "Where's your hat, cowboy?" I find the implication that just because I'm from Texas I should act a certain way just as offensive as I imagine a young black person from New York would find someone saying "Yo homey G-dog. You must be bummin' over Tupac gettin' shot."
You cannot tell anything about a person's personality because of the region they live in. I've lived in Texas since I was five, and I hate country music; barbecue makes me nauseous and the idea of wearing a pair cowboy boots, Wrangler Jeans and a big silver belt buckle with my name on it makes me break out in a rash.
If you were to ask someone from, say... North Dakota what his vision of a typical Southern town would be, how do you think he would describe it? Most likely it would be an image he had taken from a movie or a television show about the South. A small town where the main streets are filled with buxom young girls clad only in tight cut-off jean shorts and tied-off flannel shirts. They might picture them hanging around the local Dairy Queen on a Friday night after the football game, and being checked out by two guys. Of course, they would be "good ol' boys", with names like Jethro and Billy Bob or Jed and Bubba. They both love line dancing, Travis Tritt and own a pickup that is the size of a tank and probably as well armed. The pickup also has a Confederate Flag hanging in the back window.
So Jed will offer to drive one of the girls home (she's probably named Wanda Bodine.) As they turn on to her street they nearly hit a large cow... no, wait.... Why it's Wanda Bodine's corncob-pipe smoking shotgun-toting grandma. Turns out she was scrapping a run-over possum off the road with the butt of her shotgun. "Der's dang good eatin' on one of 'dem critters." she says as she hurries back to the Plantation kitchen. He will walk her to the door, stepping over the small family of thirty-seven dogs that live on and under the front porch.
And then he might change the channel from the Green Acres/Beverly Hillbillies/Dukes of Hazard Action Fun Hour to something more wholesome... like Walker; Texas Ranger. Maybe the Yankee will remember the movie on USA last Saturday Night... what was it now? Oh, now I remember; Deliverance; the ultimate Yankee horror film. I'm not sure but, I'm fairly certain that the number of men kidnapped and raped by hillbillies ever year is fairly low.
Which reminds me... I need to start a charitable organization that will give money to all the unfortunate towns in the South whose tourisim industries were ruinned by that movie. Burt Renyolds, if you have any shame left, you'll contribute half your dinner-theater salary to us. I'll be in touch.
Now, odds are most of you on both sides of the Mason-Dixon line think I'm over-reacting a bit. I mean, those guys like Jeff Foxworthy and Brett Butler (Brett's a man folks. Accept it.) may mean well when they make jokes about "us folks". But there are a lot of people who don't get that it's a joke. They think that we all ARE like that outrageous little bit of text I wrote up above this.
Well, let me ask you something, all you boyz on da North-side central. How would you feel if I said this was your typical Northernern?
I rest my case.
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