Big Brother!

Day 1 - Lee admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Donna. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Saira is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Antony later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.

2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Duncan creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Tasha hits him with a Rolling Pin.

3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of Innocent Record Company out of Chicken Rice and Peas. After much persuasion by Duncan, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.

4 - Training for the Innocent Record Company task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Antony, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the Chicken Rice and Peas. Tasha is furious.

5 - Today is the day when the Innocent Record Company task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Antony farts and blows Innocent Record Company over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Donna cries.

6 - Duncan gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.

7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Donna admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a Rolling Pin. Lee says he never wears condoms because they make his Willy sore and Duncan agrees. Saira goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Antony sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Duncan.

8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Lee goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Tasha and Donna are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Lee .

9 - Tasha and Donna are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Saira sings them a song - Barbie Girl - to make them feel better.

10 - The public vote Donna out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Donna leaves.

11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Donna's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Saira has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Tasha is visibly depressed and is comforted by Duncan, who tries to touch her on her Breasts.

12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Duncan touching Tasha's Breasts over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.

13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Antony refuses to run because his Willy hurts a bit.

14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Antony finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Tasha calls Antony a lazy Willy.

15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Lee tells everyone individually that he thinks Tasha is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Tasha and Duncan are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Lee .

16 - The nominations are announced. Tasha can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Duncan is equally stunned and turns to Tasha for comfort. Antony is distraught and confesses to Saira that he thinks he is in love with Duncan. Saira says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know

17 - The public vote Duncan out of the house. Tasha says she is gutted and even gives Duncan a clipping of hair from her Breasts to prove how much she cares. Antony is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Duncan leaves.

18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Tasha clipping the hair from her Breasts. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.

19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Ukraine in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.

20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Ukraine sounds like but Antony says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Lee as the one who must complete the task.

21 - Lee successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Ukraine but also God Save The Queen, Barbie Girl and the theme tune to SM:TV. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.

22 - Nominations are due and Lee tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Antony and Saira are nominated.

23 - Antony and Saira take their nominations well and sit down with Lee and Tasha to discuss why they voted for them. Lee keeps quiet but Tasha accuses Antony of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred Willy before bursting into tears.

24 - The public vote Saira out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Saira leaves.

25 - Lee becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Lee 's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.

26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of Donkey dung using only a Rolling Pin. Lee is unsure but Antony is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.

27 - Completely out of the blue, Antony breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the Donkey incident from his childhood. Tasha tries to persuade him to stay but Lee sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Antony decides to leave.

28 - With only two housemates remaining, the Donkey dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Tasha from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.

29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Lee asks Tasha to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Lee nominates Tasha to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Tasha.

30 - When the nomination is announced, Tasha graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Lee is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Lee takes his £70,000 and runs away to Ukraine. Nobody, including Tasha, ever sees him again.

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