The All Blue Poopstars!

Week One - Auditions

Across the UK, thousands of budding young stars gather at auditions in the hope that they will be picked out for the chance to join a brand new pop group. The Poopstars panel, made up of smarmy Johnny, sexy Tasha and slightly-simple Dave are very impressed with the vast majority of the candidates. Lee Ryan's rendition of Agadoo in particular goes down a real treat.

Claire is also on impressive form, whipping out her enormous bongos and treating the judges to a blast of Ooh aah just a little bit by Gina G.

However one young hopeful sadly falls at the first hurdle. Duncan James's belting recital of Meatloaf's I would do anything for love (But I won't do that) results in the tragic death of 17 contestants. He is subsequently dismissed from the competition and flees in tears.

Week Two - Second Round of Auditions

The hundreds of remaining candidates are invited to Skegness for further auditions in an attempt to whittle the numbers down to just 50. Straight away Emma sets out her stall to impress the judges with a song and dance routine based upon the former Christmas Number One hit, Mr Blobby.

Everybody is delighted with the Mr Blobby rendition and, despite the fact that she's a fat biffer, Emma makes it through to the next round of auditions. Donna also progresses thanks to her amazing skills on the pink oboe.

Saira, unfortunately, isn't so lucky. The judges make the shock discovery that she doesn't actually fall into the correct age group for the competition. As soon as they realise that Saira is in fact a 73 year-old grandfather from Woking, they send her straight back to her retirement home. 'Perhaps we should have guessed from the zimmer frame', sighs judge Dave ruefully.

Week Three - Third Round

Camp club singer Simon Webbe is the first hopeful to make a tit of himself after being invited to the third round of auditions in Ramsbottom. He attempts a flamboyant pirouette as the other contestants whistle Crazy for you by Let Loose. As he spins, he whacks Donna in the face, sparking off a full-scale brawl between the two of them.

Less than impressed with this display of team harmony, the panel order both Simon Webbe and Donna to leave.

Judge Johnny gives the remaining contestants a real scare when he calls them into a room and tells them he's got some bad news. 'I'm afraid you're all going to have to phone your parents and tell them you're coming down to London for the final stage of auditions', he says, to the relief of everyone. What a joker.

Week Four - London Auditions

The judges have now got 20 contestants left, and they need to get the number down to just ten. They split all of the hopefuls into groups and put them through a gruelling routine of poncing about and singing.

Bloater Emma is a natural at this, but as she throws herself about like a randy hippo, the judges gather in a corner to whisper about her.

'Emma's certainly got a big, erm, personality' says Tasha  tactfully. 'But there just isn't enough room in the band for her. She'll have to go.' Fortunately Emma, with her well-rounded perspective on life, takes the news on the chins.

Lee Ryan is another candidate who has problems. He's been suffering from a severe bout of flatulence and Antony Costa convinces him that drinking 12 pints of Diamond White the night before the final audition will provide a cure.

Funnily enough, when Lee Ryan wakes up, his flatulence is no better and his head hurts. Antony Costa chuckles to himself, convinced that Lee Ryan will fail the audition and give Antony Costa his path into the final 10 contestants.

However Antony Costa's plan quite literally backfires when Johnny informs the remaining hopefuls that today's audition involves farting New York, New York in the style of a barbershop quartet. Lee Ryan is the star of the show, while Antony Costa barely raises a squeak. Perhaps surprisingly for a girl, Claire also blows the judges away with her methane skills.

Week Five - Final Decision

Only Lee Ryan and Claire remain in the final ten Poopstar contestants. The judges test out their communication skills by staging a mock press-conference.

However under heavy interrogation, Claire reveals that she used to be a drug-smuggling prostitute, although she only does it at weekends now. It's fair to say that Dave, Tasha and Johnny are not happy.

Lee Ryan fares a lot better, telling the hacks how much he admires Steps and how he's always wanted to be Kylie Minogue.

After the press conference, the judges sit down in a secret location to discuss their choice for the final band line-up. They spend literally minutes weighing up the pros and cons of each contestant before sitting back smugly and declaring 'Well darlings, we've got ourselves a band!'

The final decision

All that remains is for the candidates to be informed of the result. It is a decision which will undoubtedly change their lives for ever, and Lee Ryan and Claire are understandably nervous as they wait for the judges to visit them at home.

Johnny struggles to reach Lee Ryan's remote home and after 3 weeks of travelling across frozen wasteland on a husky-driven sled he still hasn't reached the destination.

Tasha, meanwhile, has popped round the corner for a cup of tea with Claire and her boyfriend Dick. Over the cuppa, Tasha breaks the bad news that Claire will not be chosen for the final band. 'Look at it this way...' Tasha says comfortingly. 'You've always got your job at McDonalds'.

Eventually, despite the loss of three toes, Johnny reaches Lee Ryan's igloo. He sits Lee Ryan down and tells him to take a deep breath. 'It's been the hardest decision I've ever had to make', Johnny begins.

'But I'm afraid you haven't made it. In fact, none of you have. We're not even bothering with the band - we only did it for the TV ratings. There is a follow-up series next year you might be interested in taking part in though...'

'Yes?', enquires Lee Ryan, his eyes lighting up.

'Yes', says Johnny. 'It's called 'How Poopstars Ruined My Life'. See you next year then...?'

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