Love Bites Original Story By: Jamie Editted by: Rebo Valence SVAM Riffs Compiled by: Alicia Ashby Host Segments Written By: Rebo Valence MSTing By: Rebo Valence, Chris "Frobozz" Angelini, CDM, Freezer, Darth Kirby, Alicia Ashby, Trey Tackett, Glazius Falconar, Justin Golden, NotReallyHere, Amanda Van Rhyn, Tanuki, Kenny Blackwell, Michael Wallen, rJak, Justin Rau, Tim McLees, Antaeus Feldspar, Stratovox, Steve Sulzer, Seth Triggs, Christian Rogers, JP Chabot, Damien Karolev, Shelby Scott, Will Crain, Spoffy ==================================================================== SATELLITE OF LOVE [Crow is sitting on the SOL, surrounded by several stacks of what appear to be board game boxes. Tom is admiring them as Mike walks in] MIKE: Hey guys...whoa, what in the name of Parker Brothers is up with all these board games? CROW: Heh heh...like my handy work? I made them ALL myself! [TOM coughs] CROW: Oh yea, he helped, a little...but anyway, I have noticed a recent trend in the board game industry. Since apparently new, fresh ideas for unique, board game experiences are starting to run dry, the new approach has been to... TOM: ...make new versions of classic games, passing them off as new! MIKE: [nods] I see...so then all these boxes are...? CROW: Oh yea, see, I saw that there were many new versions of classic games just WAITING to be made. So, I racked my motherboards and finally came up with some fresh new ideas for our favorite old games. [Mike nods some more. Crow watches intently.] CROW: Mike...uhhh...a little help? MIKE: Oh yes, of course! [Mike picks up a box and turns it so that the top of the box is clearly visible to Cambot] CROW: This one is Monopoly, the Saturday Night Live edition! Here, you play as money-hungry movie executives buying up the rights to various five minute, one-laugh sketches, in order to convert them into long, painfully drawn-out, humourless feature films! [Mike, carefully setting down the box, picks up a different one and shows it to Cambot] TOM: And this one is Healthy Land, a politically correct updating of that sugary classic, Candy Land. Here, you save King Pickle from the evil Sugar Demon while traversing through such locations as the Bean Swamp and Celery Forest and meeting such lively characters as Grandma Squash. CROW: Fun, AND it encourages good nutrition! [Mike holds up one last box] CROW: Ahhh...this one is my favorite. Clue, the Friends edition! Rachel is pregnant and you've got to find out who the father is, and also what room they were... MIKE: [hasitly] Well then...it looks like Pearl's calling! How goes it, Milton Bradley? CASTLE FORRESTER [In the background are standing four young men that are dressed in trendy, teenybopper appealing clothing. Bobo is wearing a flashy business suit and star-shaped sunglasses. Observer is wearing his typical cloak, only now he's wearing a purple beret on his head. He has placed a matching beret on the brain that rests in the pan he always carries. Observer himself is also wearing a pair of square shaped sunglasses. Pearl is in normal attire, only she's wearing overly large, circular sunglasses.] PEARL: Oh, hi Nelsync. You're just in time to see me unveil my latest plan to CONQUER THE WORLD! [she cackles and lightning flashes. The young men look around akwardly.] I'd like you to meet the latest teenybopper boy band sensation, Mad Crew! BOBO: Yessiree, these boys are red-hot, they're lightning in a bottle, they're white-hot little capsules of pure rock and roll entertainment! I should know, I'm they're agent! OBSERVER: Yes, and I am their talented songwriter. If it weren't for me, they'd still be the no-talent useless slugs they were when we found them out in the gutter! MAD CREW: HEY! PEARL: So, anyway, I figure that if I create a teeny-bopper friendly boy band, I can use the immense fan loyalty to them to build an ARMY of pre-teens that will do my every bidding. Nobody would EVER suspect, until it is TOO LATE! I'll use my legion of pre-adolescent warriors to overthrow the governments of every nation and then I... SHALL...RULE! [Pearl cackles once more and lightning flashes. Again, the band members look around in surprise.] SATELLITE OF LOVE MIKE: Uh...huh. So, do they sing? CASTLE FORRESTER BOBO: Why of course! These guys are pratically songbirds, serenading the world with their lovely songs of love and joy! Boys, sing him a few lines of your new hit, "Light of My Life!" [The group coughs a few times, then begins to sing as generic pop music plays in the background] o/~ You know, baby, you're the one, You're sweeter than bubblegum When you're around me, I'm in a whirl You're like a strawberry sundae swirl The way your hair waves, the way you smile, Being with you is always worth my while, You're one in a million, truly unique, No one else is like you and...uhh...something ending with "ique!" Baby, oh baby...Baby, oooohoooo! Baby, oh BABY! Baby baby ba-BY! YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU are the light of my life! o/~ PEARL: They're BRILLIANT! HAHAHA! They're going to be tearing up the pop charts any day now...so, Nelstreet, what do you think? SATELLITE OF LOVE MIKE: Umm...well...they're certainly... CASTLE FORRESTER PEARL: Hep cats? BOBO: Truly Outrageous? OBSERVER: Groove-machines? SATELLITE OF LOVE [A brief pause, then M&TB speak at once] MIKE: Uhh...yea. TOM: Sure. CROW: Of course! CASTLE FORRESTER [The band cheers in the background] PEARL: [sighs] Well, now all I've got to do is sign them up and we can record their first album. Okay then, Bobo, why don't you and the boys go take care of the legal matters and I'll see you when all the paperwork is filled out. BOBO: Will do, Lawgiver! [Bobo and the members of Mad Crew exit the room. Bobo is heard talking to them as they leave.] BOBO: See, what'd I tell you? Yea, boys, you've got it in the hat! You're grease-fire! Electric! The hottest thing since sliced bread! The girls won't be able to get enough of ya! [Bobo's voice trails off as he gets farther away] PEARL: All right, then, now, down to business, Neltown. While I was plotting my domination of the world via pop music, I managed to dig up this extra-special little treat for you from the land of pop music. You'll never GUESS what it is! SATELLITE OF LOVE CROW: OH NO! Not another Backstreet Boys story! CASTLE FORRESTER PEARL: Worse. SATELLITE OF LOVE MIKE: One about Britney Spears? CASTLE FORRESTER PEARL: HAH! That's nothing compared to what I found for you today. SATELLITE OF LOVE TOM: Marrissa meets the Backstreet Boys? CASTLE FORRESTER PEARL: No, I'm afraid even that could not be half as bad as what I found for you today. Straight from the crazed hormones of a sadistic teenager comes the most TERRIFYING fanfic of ALL TIME! Yes, the immensly evil... ummm...[whispers to Observer] What was her name again? OBSERVER: Jamie. PEARL: The ultimately evil JAMIE...has turned her love for her favorite singer, as well as her favorite television personality, into the story that will finally manage to break your wills, thus meaning that while I'm taking over the world, I get to REALLY make you guys suffer! [Pearl lets loose another loud cackle, as lightning crashes. This time, Observer looks around in confusion] Brain Guy, tell them about it while I load the projector! OBSERVER: Yes, madam. Your fanfic, as previously mentioned, is by a little girl named Jamie, who seems to love three things in life-Anne Rice novels, Talk Soup host Hal Sparks, and song parodist "Weird Al" Yankovic. SATELLITE OF LOVE CROW: Hmmm..."Weird Al" Monopoly...try to convince artists to give you permission to parody their songs... TOM: Certainly has its possibilities... [The fanfic sign goes off] MIKE: Nevermind, we've got fanfic sign! [6...5...4...3...2...1...] [M&TB enter the theater.] MIKE: This won't be too bad...I hope. CROW: Well, at least it's not another boy band story. > Love Bites TOM: The Marv Albert Story. MIKE: Children of the night... shut UP! > By Jamie > > Chapter 1: > One Rainy Day TOM: o/~ Raindrops keep fallin' on my head!o/~ CROW: It starts off like a Sesame Street episode... it's trying to lull us, guys... MIKE: [Counting Count] One! One rainy day! Ah ah ah! > .............. Hal was late for work. If he didn't get his ass fast to the E! > Building he was in for it. TOM: They'd force him to work there _another year_! Oh, the humanity! CROW: The rest of him didn't need to get there for another hour. MIKE: [under his breath] I know Kung Fu...San Soo... > He raced his car down the interstate as fast as the > speed limit allowed him, which was only about 50 miles per hour. TOM: o/~Here he comes, Speed Limit Racer!o/~ CROW: Unless you're on a skateboard, can 50 MPH be considered "racing?" > Not as > fast as he wanted to go but it'll do. He finally reached the parking lot. Man, > it's raining really hard. I'm going to get soaked! CROW: So open your umbrella, narrator! MIKE: Yea, funny thing about rain, it's so gosh darn wet! TOM: Come out of the rain, Speed, hah hah! For if you stand in the rain which is wet you will be rained on and become wet, hah hah! MIKE: Hey Tom, old bud, tell me something...are you trying to do Speed Racer or Mojo Jojo now? TOM: For the life of me, Mike, I don't have a clue... > He got out of his car as > fast as he could and ran blindly to the door. When he got in, someone very > familiar greeted him. "Jamie! How ya doing?" CROW: [Hal] What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be writing this? > ..............She gave him a sideways grin. "You know you're late, don't you > Hal? Tom wants to see you. [MIKE and CROW look over at TOM] TOM: No, I've NEVER met Hal Sparks, I swear! > Nothing bad really. He just wants to know where you been." > ..............Hal just smiled at her, then he remembered: "Jamie, do you > know anyone in Albuquerque?" > .............. She looked puzzled. "No, why?" CROW: [Hal] No reason, except this rabbit was asking me for directions to Pismo Beach. Damn, I guess he'll have to find his own hotel... > .............. "Just making sure...see ya." MIKE: Is there fifteen seconds of pause before each of these lines or something? > .............. She shook her head. "You're crazy Hal. Later." MIKE: [Jamie] Note to self-Must replace Hal Sparks with Carson Daley. TOM: [Jamie] I wonder what Pauly Shore is doing these days? > .............. Hal walked hurriedly down the hallway. He was then greeted > halfway there by Tom. TOM: KNEEL BEFORE ME, CLIP BOY! > .............. "Where have you been Hal? We had to scramble for a damn > replacement for you! Y'know how we busted our humps for Rodger Lodge? They're > SORE!" ALL: EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!! MIKE: Was that NECESSARY?! TOM: When you're traveling on the road, remember that there's always a Rodger Lodge nearby. > .............. Hal shook his head at him. "Oh, you used Rodger? Eww! C'mon > man, not him!" > .............. Tom looked like he was about to hit him. TOM: [the *other* Tom] One of these days, Hal, one of these days...POW! To da moon! > "Damn you Hal! Get > you butt in there and try to explain where you've been!" > .............. Hal nodded and did what he said. He started to get a little > nervous when he saw The Boss. MIKE: Since when do E! personnel have to answer to Springsteen? CROW: [Hal] Hey, is it just me, or is his hair especially pointy today? > .............. The Boss got up and looked him straight in the eyes. "Hal > Sparks, you have been MIA for a week. CROW: [Boss] Did you say hi to Chuck Norris like I asked? > Would you like to explain your > whereabouts?" MIKE: [Hal] Uhm, I've been...stalking Melissa Rivers! > .............. Hal gulped. "I'll have you know sir, that I was kidnapped. I > was dragged out of my home by a guy I didn't even know and AGAINST MY WILL, MIKE: [Hal] This wasn't one of those voluntary kidnappings! I never even signed a contract! > MIND YOU, I was dragged to a place and held hostage. TOM: Yes, kidnapping would entail being held hostage. > They finally let me go. > Another man and I had to do some lousy crap to get out of there!" He panted. CROW: [Hal] *PANT* I can be more vauge and ridiculous if you want! > .............. The Boss just looked at him sypathetically. "Well, Hal I'm > sorry. Uh, carry on. Go home, you have the day off." CROW: [Boss] Even though your absence has severely impacted corporate profits, I believe this vague and unsupported story completely! TOM: [Boss] But I will dock you one vacation day if you don't bring in a note from your kidnapper, young man. MIKE: [Boss] Oh, hello Jones. What? Possessed by Satan again? Well sure you can take a few days off! > .............. Hal dismissed himself and walked merrily out the door. Great! > I'm going to Al's house! CROW: [Hal] And then...to DISNEYLAND! > That was weird though. When he got to his car he smelled something metallic, > kind of like blood. MIKE: [Hal] Oh yea, that's right! I left a corpse in the trunk again! No wonder! > He turned around. > .............. "Are you Hal Sparks?" MIKE: [Hal] I prefer Sparky. CROW: [Terminator] Come vit me if you vant to live! > .............. Hal gaped at the person who said that. She was beautiful. she > had long blond hair, pale white skin and bright red lipstick. She looked > about 5'7, and she wore a flowing white dress with a pink ribbon woven into > the bust. CROW: So wait, she sowed a ribbon into her chest? Kids these days. TOM: o/~ Tie a pinkish ribbon round those Double Ds! o/~ > .............. "Hi, my name is Layla. I'm your biggest fan!" > .............. Hal tried as hard as he could to get some sort of word out, > but he was overwhelmed. Something felt funny. CROW: [Garth] Kinda like when we used to have to climb the rope in gym class. TOM: [Hal] I get this way when I sense some kind of danger. > He could hardly move or speak > and he felt really weak. MIKE: Then he noticed she had Kryptonite in her chest, too! TOM: Gasp! > "Uh, hi. Big fan huh? Nice to meet y-you Layla." he > stuttered. MIKE: [Hal] Did I ah...ah...ah...mention I know kung fu? > .............. She laughed brightly and tossed her hair back over her > shoulder. TOM: Taking her head with it. CROW: [Layla] Bad, bad! Stay put! BAD HAIR! > "Here's my number Hal. Call me around 11. Okay?" She handed him a > slip of paper and walked off. He stood there feeling tons better, staring at > the handwriting. It was an interesting type of handwriting. CROW: [Hal] It's in crayon...hmm... > He shrugged and > got back in his car heading for Al's house. CROW: [Hal] Let's see, I partied for a week, conned my boss into giving me the day off and picked up a hot chick! Eat your heart out, Kinnear! TOM: o/~ Al's house, in the middle of our street, Al's house was our castle and our keep o/~ > .............. "So what was her name again?" Al offered some soda. MIKE: [Al] Beelzebub or something like that? CROW: o/~I asked her her name and in a dapper voice she said Layla. L-A-Y-L... and...ah...an A in there...um...o/~ Guess that one kinda doesn't work... TOM: [Al] By the way, have I mentioned that my opponent's plan spends more on a tax cut for the wealthiest one percent than on national defense, social security, and education *combined*? > .............. "She said her name is Layla. She's really pretty." Hal took a > sip. Mr. Pepper always made him feel better no matter what. CROW: Mr. Pepper - the bastard child of Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb! MIKE: Mmmm, makes me want to go out for a Popsi. TOM: Say, pass me one of those Mount Dews, will you? > .............. Al walked over to his calandar. "I have a date tonight. A > nice girl named Melanie." TOM: [Al] And to think I probably never would have found her, if I hadn't bought that telescope! CROW: o/~Me-he-he-helanie...what can the problem be? Oh sweet Me-he-he-helanie...o/~ > He suddenly shivered. Everytime he spoke her name > he felt like he did when he left The World Famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn, TOM: Ashamed that he bought a t-shirt that read "I went to the World Famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn and all I got was this stupid shirt." > which means its not a very good feeling. He knew something bad was gong to > happen. He knew Hal felt it too. "Hal, do you feel that?" CROW: [Hal] Yes, now get off my foot! MIKE: [Al] It's like a million fans cried out at once and then were silenced. > .............. Hal nodded. "Say Al, you think we're up for another adventure? > " MIKE: *Another* adventure? Does this mean Pearl'll be sending us "The Lost Adventures of Hal and Al" next? CROW: Hal and Al: The Legendary Journeys. TOM: [Hal] Then I'd better get my Longsword +3. > .............. Al nodded. > .............. "This is not good. Not good at all." CROW: [Al] Are you in some way implying that this might be bad? > .............. "So Melanie, I hear you found someone named Al. It wouldn't > be Weird Al, would it?" Layla asked. TOM: We will return to "The Adventures of Al and Hal" in just a moment. TOM: [Layla] After all, how many people named Al are there? CROW: [Layla] Or what about Al Pacino? Or could it be Al Roker? MIKE: [Melanie] No, it's Al Sharpton. Why do you ask? > .............. Melanie shrugged. "Could be. He's such a beautiful creature. > He'd fit right in with us! Layla, who did you find?" > .............. "Someone named Hal Sparks. He's beautiful too; he has a > gorgeous neck. I think our boys will do just fine." TOM: Umm, we're talking about the same "Weird Al" Yankovic, right? CROW: Sooo, basically, being undead completely kills all sense of good taste from the neck up and down? MIKE: Hey, go easy on them, Crow. Maybe they just come from the age before Lenscrafters existed. Ever try to make an eye appointment after dark? > .............. Melanie nodded. She hoped Layla was right. The more of their > breed the better. Vampires are a rare breed these days and Layla and Melanie > are the ones in charge to get more recruits. TOM: Do you want to be undead? MIKE & CROW: Sure, we all do! TOM: Uncle Dracula wants YOU to join the vampires! > It was a dirty job, but at least > their victims enjoy their new alternative life. CROW: Well, what's NOT to enjoy about being feared, hated, and an outcast from society? > She kind of liked Al. MIKE: "Kind of liked." Not the choosiest succubi on the block, are they? > She > didn't want to change him. He had so many fans and they would wonder what > happened to him. CROW: Why he suddenly went all pale, why he only shoots videos at night, why he turns invisible on film... MIKE: Then they'd give up and become Trekkies. TOM: So let's pause here and take stock. Hal and Al are having bad premonitions and Melanie realises that making a celebrity into a vampire is a really bad idea because he's in the public eye, but nobody acts on these warnings. MIKE: Right you are, Tom. What's this tell us? TOM: It means that everyone in this fanfic deserves EXACTLY what they get and if any of you think I'm going to spare even one drop of sympathy for these characters then you couldn't be more wrong if you were Wrong Wong McWrong, Thrice Voted The Most Incorrect Man In All Of History! MIKE: Shh, Tom, just focus on the fanfic. > She could just imagine. He would do the meet-and-greet thing > after concerts, pick an attractive girl and find sometime to be alone with > her, MIKE: Then make up a wacky song about her! > then they would have one more to add to their army. Jeez. It's a nice > way to go. At least there's hardly any pain. Hardly. CROW: Except for that whole lifelong stigmata in being vamped by the same guy who made UHF... TOM: At least she hardly speaks in broken sentences. Hardly. > Chapter 2: > The Night Everything Went Red TOM: o/~I see a red night and I want to paint it black!o/~ MIKE: The Thin Red Night! CROW: Looks like the night Chicago died! TOM: Oh no, the Commies are taking over! >.............. Al drove his BMW down the coast. Melanie said she had a big house >near the ocean. He found it with much ease. MIKE: Uh huh, sure he did. TOM: [Melanie] My house also has a roof, a front door, and some variety of plant life in the general area, okay? CROW: [Al] She said open the mailbox, then go around the house, open the window and move the oriental rug to reveal a trap door...wonder what that meant? > He walked up to the door and rang the > bell. She answered almost immediately. CROW: [Lurch] ...YOU RANG...? >.............. "Hi Al. Glad you came. I made some popcorn and I rented some >movies for us to watch." TOM: This is sad. Whatever happened to 'Enter freely and of your own will?' Whatever happened to 'Please leave some of the joy you bring'? Whatever happened to 'I never drink...wine?' I want some *class*... MIKE: I've always said it: Nothing says "romance" like microwave popcorn and Blockbuster. CROW: That actually explains a lot, Mike! MIKE: HEY! > She was really getting into this. She really did like >him a lot. > .............. "That sounds great! What cinematic events are we to > watch tonight?" Al asked. MIKE: [Melanie] Let's see, we got Nosferatu, Dracula, and Vampire In Brooklyn. > .............. "Well, I have Titanic, Half-Baked, and Friday. Sound good?" TOM: "Half-Baked." Proof that the undead have impeccable taste. CROW: [Al] What? No UHF?! > .............. Al nodded. CROW: Duh...okay! > .............. She led him to the couch, popped a movie in, grabbed the' >popcorn, and sat down really close to Al. Al tried to scoot over but he was >against the arm. TOM: [Al] AAAAH! GIRL GERMS! I'm crawlin' in cooties! > I just hope she doesn't get TOO friendly, he thought. CROW: [Al] Yeah, 'cause that could lead to a beautiful girl lavishing me with attention. [shudder] TOM: So wait-he drives all that way to date a woman he just met, and he hopes that she DOESN'T push up on him? MIKE: That would explain a lot about Al, wouldn't it? > They >watched the movie in almost complete silence. CROW: [monotone] Man. Friday really is a laugh riot. > Suddeny, she reached over and >switched off the lamp. She sensed Al's discomfort. CROW: [Al] I'M BLIND!!! AAAHHH!!! I CAN'T SEE!! I-- oh, you shut the lights off, okay... > "So we can see the screen >better." she said nervously. TOM: [Granny voice] All the better to bite you with, my dear. MIKE: She's a really tentative creature of damnation, isn't she? TOM: She's probably new to this. I think she's still working her way above 'darned'. CROW: o/~ Oh sweet Me-he-he-helanie... why won't you ex-sanguate me... o/~ > .............. He nodded in agreement. He understood. He knew exactly what > she was up to, but he didn't know his fate. MIKE: [Robert Stack] Ten years ago, humorist Al Yankovic disappeared. The only traces he left were his accordian and an unfinished parody of Papa Roach's "Last Resort". > He felt her fingers on his collar. >He ignored it, well tried to. She was closer then what she was a few minutes ago. CROW: [Groucho Voice] If she were any closer, she'd be behind you! > He coughed and hoped she'd get a clue. He didn't feel up to it. He hardly knew her! MIKE: Are we sure this is the real "Weird Al?" I refuse to believe a real live musician would be this long around an interested female without jumping her. TOM: [Nature show host] When in distress, the wild Weird Al makes a series of guttural noises before flaring its eyespots and retreating... > Then all of the sudden she grabbed the side of his face and planted TOM: Carrots! She was really Bunnicula, the vegetarian vampire! > one on him. He >was going to jerk backwards, [M&TB] EEEEEEWWWW! [CROW] That's it. I need a shower, right now! > but he couldn't, [TOM] [Melanie] Don't worry, it happens to lots of men...but I can chew on your jugular? It's just as good... > he felt really relaxed and leaned >into the kiss. CROW: Al apparently has the self restraint of a goldfish. > They forgot about the movie. MIKE: If it has Damon Wayans in it, they're very lucky indeed. > Al was in a haze. He felt her kiss >his chin and down his jawline, next on the jugular vein, then she stopped. CROW: [Melanie] Do you have a scarf? I believe in safe necking! > Suddenly, >he felt pain. TOM: He imagined her doing this to Chris Farley. > He felt weak and disoriented, and most of all, fear. He tried to >resist her, he pushed and struggled but he was too weak. It was like an ant trying >to push over an elephant. He was too tired to try to save himself and get the hell >out of there. CROW: Yeah, I hit total apathy when I'm fighting for my life against an eternal predator too... TOM: [Al] Honey, get the Deep Woods Off; there's this groupie and she's totally after my blood.... > He felt himself sink into the couch. MIKE: [Al] That's *plush*, man... > Then everything went black. CROW: I thought this was the night everything went red? TOM: Well, they were out of red paint after writing 'Blood' on the walls. > .............. She felt him give in her arms. CROW: And somewhere in the night, Harvey the Wonder Hamster cried. > She laid him back against the >couch and wiped the blood-stained mouth. He put up a good fight for a guy his >size. CROW: 6 feet even, about 170 pounds... TOM: He was as BIG as your arm and he fought the reel for ten minutes before the line broke, I kid you not... MIKE: Man, the Red Cross gets more and more aggressive every year. > She pushed his head to the side to view the puncture holes. Perfect. CROW: [Melanie] Time to install the neck bolts! > When >he wakes up she will have to explain to him. MIKE: She'll have to give him the speech on the birds, the bees, and the vampires. > She suddenly panicked. That was a >lot of blood I consumed. I didn't kill him did I? TOM: [Melanie] And where will I get another goofy geek-rocker this time of night? > She checked for a pulse. Good. >He's still with us. CROW: More than I can say about the readers. MIKE: [Al] Can't die...too many...novelty songs...left...to write... > I really don't want to put him through this... CROW: [Melanie] I'd rather put him through the spin cycle. TOM: Isn't killing someone the usual modus operandi for vampires? MIKE: Well, she's a sensitive, 21st century bloodsucker! CROW: We didn't want to be put through this, but here we are... TOM: Well, life sucks. CROW: But so does she! MIKE: I was wondering if we'd make it all the way through Chapter 2 before that joke raised its ugly spectre...good work, guys, you kept the faith. > Chapter 3: > Hal And Layla TOM: Versus Mothra. > .............. Hal walked along the sidewalk. Layla said she lived in a big >house near the ocean. CROW: And now, for our other vampire killing! Featuring "Bio-Dome." TOM: So there *is* just one big house near the ocean? MIKE: I guess the rest are just condos. > "Now lets see," he thought aloud. "She said it was really big with a big yard and > it's gray and brick...ah, that must be it." CROW: [Herve Villichez] Da house, boss! Da house! TOM: Basic pattern recognition just isn't Hal's forte, is it? MIKE: Next time, GPL coordinates, Layla! Move into the 21st century! > He stopped >outside a fence and looked at the house behind it. There was a mailbox with the >numbers 2727 on it. TOM: Let's see - fence, mailbox, visible address. Must be the place! CROW: What, it WASN'T 666? I'm disappointed. MIKE: AAAAAAAH! CROW: Breathe, Mike, breathe! It's 2727, not 227! MIKE: ...dull and black, that show was just like a solar collector... TOM: Amen. > He opened the gate and walked up to the door. He was just about >to knock when the door flew open. Layla gave him a grin. MIKE: [Hal] Uh, thanks. Well, it beats a necktie, I guess... TOM: The first one's complimentary! The next's two-fifty, but after eight the price drops to a buck. > .............. "Hey Hal, come on in!" she said. > .............. He followed her to the couch. He noticed a blood stain, it >looked fresh. "How'd that happen?" MIKE: Fair warning, guys - first person to make a feminine hygiene riff gets shoved out an airlock. BOTS: [mutter, grumble] > .............. She looked at where he was pointing. CROW: [Layla] Oh, just the usual, sacrificing livestock. MIKE: Very good, Crow! > Uh-oh, Melanie and Al was >here, he must have put up a fight. TOM: Well, in a really passive, non-resistant way...sure. > "Oh, my cousin was here and she had a nosebleed." > .............. "Oh." Hal looked around the room taking in what beautiful furniture >she had. CROW: Hal's not the brightest crayon in the box, is he. MIKE: [Hal, thinking] I wonder how that big blood stain got on that...Ooh! A Barcolounger! CROW: [Hal] Mmm...futon. TOM: [Hal] The Pikachu chair really fits in with the bed of nails! > "Anyone living with you Layla?" he asked. That caught her off guard. TOM: [Layla] I AM NOT A VAMPIRESS!!! Um, I mean...no? Tee hee... > .............. "Yes, my sister Melanie. Do you have a friend named Al?" > .............. Hal looked surprised. "Yeah, I do. How'd you know?" "Well, they >went out earlier. They should be back in a couple of hours. She left us some movies >to watch and some popcorn. Sound fun?" TOM: [Hal] No, not in the least. Why? CROW: [Hal] Did they get 2001? > .............. "Yeah, sounds great." CROW: [Hal] Couldn't be any worse than watching Sally Jesse Raphael. MIKE: Okay, making a note here - When confronted with evidence of your evil nature, distract them by asking random questions. > .............. She walked over to pop one in the VCR. It really didn't matter >which one; they wouldn't be watching it anyway. TOM: [Layla] Oh, this "Mitchell" movie looks good... MIKE: The whole concept of the 'visual medium' is completely lost on these two women, isn't it? > She sat down really close to him >and turned off the light. > .............. Melanie paced the floor. Layla told her to take Al to the basement >and wait for her. Al was still out and he didn't show any signs of waking soon. TOM: [Al, mumbling] My my, this here Anakin guy... > He was >lying on the couch, pale as she, and it made his hair look darker against his face. TOM: You know, a little lipstick and he could do a Marilyn Manson parody! > .............. He suddenly moved and blinked his eyes open. TOM: [Al] Sup-plies! Oh, that one always kills 'em. Should've killed 'em at the box office....should've...but...[breaks into sobs] > "Melanie? What's >going on?" CROW: [Al] And where are my pants? > .............. Melanie dreaded this moment. "Well Al, do you remember what >happened before you passed out?" MIKE: [Al] Well, I was screaming and screaming, in more pain than I ever thought a human could feel, so you turned off the video... CROW: [Al] Just tell me the *one* thing that matters to a guy. [pause] Did we do it? Hunh? Hunh? Did we? Was I good? > .............. He blinked a couple of times then gasped. "What happened? What >was that and what did you do to me?!?" CROW: Oh, so this is how Weird Al lost his facial hair. MIKE: [Melanie] I removed your colon! Semi and otherwise! TOM: [Melanie] And replaced it with other needless punctuation! Muahahaha! > .............. She shook her head and sighed. "I'm a vampire. And now you are too, >and I know it sounds a little weird but, MIKE: [Melanie] Will you put on this French Maid's outfit? > Layla will bring down your friend and when >he gets up we'll explain it all to you." TOM: [Al] Oh, bite me. Wait... CROW: [Al] Oh. Okay. Does this mean we can do it again while we wait? Can we? Hunh? Hunh? > .............. Al just blinked. "Ouch. My neck hurts. CROW: Ooh, witty rebuttal, Al-ster! > What posessed you to do >that to me? Why not someone else, like someone less known?" MIKE: Like Tom Arnold or Vanilla Ice? They've got nothing to lose! CROW: [Al] I'm a celebrity! I've got more rights than everyone else, you know! > .............. She nodded sympathetically and walked over to him and put her >hand under his chin. "I'm sorry, really I am! I have to eat again tomorrow, and >you are going along with me. You have to feed tonight and that is necessary and not >optional. If you don't eat, you will grow weak and you will die. Understand?" CROW: [Al] Yes, but...but... TOM: [Melanie] If this is about doing it again, I'm going to stake you and toss you into the Azalias... CROW: [Al] ...never mind... > .............. Al simply nodded. MIKE: [Al] So I didn't win Florida... CROW: [Al] Okay... So you've turned me into a "vam-pire" and that if I don't "drink blood," I'll "die," right? HAAAAALP!!! > .............. "You need to eat like, really soon, tonight. We will go to town >and find us two MIKE: Whoppers with cheese. Food of the damned! > people. We have to kill them. You see, if we take just enough >to fill us, they turn into vampires. TOM: I thought that turned them into your love slaves. MIKE: I think that only works with Gary Oldman. > But the first time you feed you need to >overextend yourself. That means drink until they have no blood left." CROW: So do these guys have a little rulebook to help 'em or did they miraculously figure this out on their own? > .............. Al just sat there petrified, his eyes wide. MIKE: [Melanie] No, you're supposed to look like marble, not turn into it! > He suddenly jumped >up and walked over to the mirror. He opened his mouth and exposed some vicious >fangs. "Oh my God! Melanie..." MIKE: Melanie's his god? TOM: Umm...If he's a vampire, how can he see himself in a mirror? MIKE: Smile and nod, Tom. > .............. She jumped up and stood beside him. "Don't worry. They only come >out when you want them to; you just need to learn how to control them. CROW: [Melanie] You can do cute little tricks with them, like dropping them down one at a time. I can make them do a dance! Wanna see? TOM: [Melanie] Just think about it, you can open beer cans with your teeth now! > I know >you don't feel hungry now, but you will later, so hang in there." > .............. He shook his head. "Where's Hal? Is he one too?" MIKE: He's pretty calm for having been turned undead. TOM: He's too busy trying to turn this into some sort of song parody. > .............. Melanie narrowed her eyes. "He will be." CROW: [Al] Why does he have to be such a hanger-on? I become a star, Hal has to be; I become a vampire, Hal has to... > .............. Al shivered. Not good, it was only a week after Albuquerque > and he was still having nightmares for crying out loud! MIKE: [Al] Albuquerque. I could eat from the ashtrays there if I wanted too. It's okay. They're clean. > He continued to study >himself in the mirror. CROW: [Al] I wonder how I'd look bald? TOM: But...! MIKE: Let it go, buddy. > He was three times as pale than he used to be. TOM: What, does he have a gauge with him? CROW: I've seen pictures of Weird Al before; any paler than usual and he'd be dead. > He could >blend in with notebook paper now! MIKE: Those blue lines on the face helped a lot. CROW: [Al] Finally! My life-long dream is realized! > His lips were pale, his hair was dark and he >looked very evil, his eyes were a darker brown (if that was possible), and he >felt very cold. He didn't like this at all. > > .............. Hal felt nice and warm, in fact, he was sleepy. He wanted to >go to sleep. MIKE: As implied by the use of the word "sleepy." TOM: This story's being narrated by Mojo Jojo... CROW: But he could not sleep because he was being kept awake, rather than sleeping! > "When is Al and Melanie supposed to be here?" > .............. Layla threw down the remote, and let out a cry of frustration. MIKE: [Layla] FIFTY-THREE CHANNELS AND THERE'S NOTHING ON! CROW: o/~ Eighty-three channels of ecstasy, I love my cable TV, yeah o/~ > "We're going to the basement. I can't do it in here, it distracts me!" Hal seemed > perplexed. TOM: Do we have *any* proper nouns here? CROW: She left them in her *other* story. >She grabbed his arm and led him down a hall, down stairs, and through a door. "There >they are! Happy?" Melanie and Al were standing by a mirror. They looked surprised >to see them. > .............. "You done it already Layla?" Melanie asked. CROW: That's a rather personal question. > .............. "NO! I couldn't do it! The television was distracting me! I'll >do it now if you would give me a little privacy... oh hell, why not now?" She pushed >Hal to the sofa. CROW: Hal seems alright with this... MIKE: [Hal] Layla, this sure hurts...oh well, I'm sure you've got nothing but the best intentions! > .............. "Layla! What are you doing?" he cried. Hal saw Al turn his head. MIKE: [Al] Wow, I just love this wallpaper pattern! > Melanie just grinned. He felt Layla bite his throat. He felt dizzy and weak. He tried > to fight, TOM: But he discovered that he was a lover, not a fighter. > but he couldn't get his arms to push. He just sat there. It was hopeless >to fight. He then passed out. MIKE: ...copies of "The Late, Great Planet Earth". CROW: [Hal] What are you doing, Layla? > Chapter 4: Airline Amy MIKE: What, is this a crossover with "The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle"? TOM & CROW: AHHHHH! Don't DO that! CROW: Before you know it, Yerko's going to start dropping bombs and playing the Monk songs and then we're done for! > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Hal felt weird when he woke up. He opened his eyes and looked around > the room. Al was standing in the corner looking like they were doomed, MIKE: Which they WERE! > Melanie stood beside him smiling merrily, and Layla was sitting beside of Hal > also smiling with mirth. CROW: It's a fine line between mirth and smugness. MIKE: Yeah, these women make me wish for the gentle innocence of Thelma & Louise. > "Looks like our little Hal woke up. Melanie, > have you explained this to Al?" Melanie CROW: ...told him to read the manual. > nodded. "Good. Take him out, TOM: [Melanie] Where to? The ballgame? CROW: [Layla] Take him out to the crowd, for all I care! Oh, and buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks! > we'll see you two later." Melanie grabbed Al by the hand and led him > out. Now it was just Layla and Hal in the house. MIKE: When the other vamps are out of the house, you know what *that* means... ALL: HOUSE PARTY AT LAYLA'S! TOM: WOOHOO! > "Now Hal, I bet > you're confused huh?" MIKE: [HAL 9000] I know I've been a little confused lately, but I can assure you... > Hal just nodded. He was still a little fuzzy. TOM: So, he was fuzzy, was he? CROW: Only his stylist knew for sure. > "Well, Melanie and I are vampires and now, so are you and Al. Melanie > already explained this to Al so...you have to feed every two days. TOM: [Layla] Had Melanie explained it to you, then you'd have had to feed every three days. However, had both of us explained it to you at the same time, then you'd have had to feed every *single* day. Okay now for the hard part... do you know differential equations? > But since you are new, it will take your body a few days to get used > to the change. You will feed for an entire week, CROW: So you're going to need to find the Amazing Colossal Man; try to make him last. > the first victim you > have to kill. MIKE: Didn't we go through this part already? > What I mean is...uh, suck them dry. CROW: So...remind me why they can't just grab AK-47s and seize a blood bank? > The ones after that > you just take enough to fill you." she said. "We will go out tonight. > Prepare to get a little messy. MIKE: Put on the bib with the Lobster on it. > If you find someone with a disease, > you will automatically turn away. CROW: What? So if you're flying towards this guy at full speed, suddenly you smack into an invisible wall and turn around? TOM: And what kind of diseases is she talking about? Aren't we all carrying various nasty organisms in our blood, even if we're not infected? Can he not suck someone's blood because they had the chicken pox in the 3rd grade? MIKE: Well, I think she just means Diseases That Would Cause Plot Complication. 'Cause no one wants that. Anyway, let's not worry about it and just move on... > Instinct, I guess, So there's no > reason for you to be cautious. MIKE: [Layla] Oh, and don't try to suck out Dick Van Patten's blood. It'll make you 120 IQ points dumber. > Sort of, but I will explain that > afterwards. I take it your neck is sore?" Hal rubbed the side of his > neck. "Yeah. But why me? Why Al? Why not someone else?" MIKE: [Layla] We like your skull. > Layla shook > her head. "I had orders, I needed to feed anyway..." CROW: Ah, the sweeping gothic romanticism of the Vampyre! Not "you were destined to join us in ze moonlight!" but "hey, you were there and I was hungry!" > Al and Melanie > walked through the streets of Downtown Los Angeles. MIKE: Whoa! CROW: Damn jump cuts. TOM: Hey, maybe they'll be extras on Angel. > It was cool and > foggy, but they hardly felt it. Not many people were out, CROW: What? Not many people out in downtown Los Angeles at night? Is she mad? TOM: Maybe she means Los Angeles, Mexico. > the > automatically knew it wasn't going to be easy. Al didn't ever refuse > to go out and kill someone. CROW: A practice he'd picked up during his Running with Scissors tour. MIKE: In fact, he had just finished bludgeoning a roadie to death only a week before. > He knew that if he didn't eat he'd die. TOM: Besides, he could always make a parody of it later. > Not a very good situation to be in. Yet another! "Melanie, how am I > supposed to do this?" Melanie looked sad when she answered. "Well Al, > do what I did. Seduce and...go for it. I actually planned to kiss > you. I really like you and I wish I never had to do it. Layla doesn't > get emotionally attached to her victims. Neither do I, until now, > lets just say you're the first one a fancied." Al understood. CROW: Well, I'm glad someone here understands all this... > He > liked her a lot too. It made him sad to know he would have to walk > the earth forever until someone put a stake in his chest, CROW: Man, Al's an even whinier vampire than Angel! MIKE: Too whiny to live, too stupid to die. > but at > least he'd spend forever with Melanie. [M&TB chuckle, snort, laugh, etc.] CROW: [Al] I've known her for two hours, she turned me into a vampire, told me to kill someone, but I love her sooooo much! > They continued walking until > they reached a park. There was a man and a woman sitting on the back > of a van. They were both pretty attractive and looked healthy. The > damned couple walked up to the vampires. CROW: Wow, the author REALLY doesn't like these people! TOM: I don't think that's what they meant. > "Hey you! I know you! You're > Weird Al!" the woman said. MIKE: [Al] You get a cookie. > Al nodded. "Wow. Hi, are you campin' here > tonight too?" the man asked. TOM: Oh, look, it's the newest World of Darkness supplement, "Kindred of the KOA Campground." CROW: Wait, people camp in downtown L.A.? MIKE: Yeah, they're called homeless people. > Al and Melanie looked at each other, > holding in giggles.. MIKE: [Al] Tee-hee, camping in L.A....that's funny! CROW: [Melanie] Tee hee, they're so dead! TOM: So Al's become evil, too? That was quick. Now we have no likable characters! MIKE: Just our luck. > Al didn't know why, but her felt so...hungry. CROW: Her felt so hungry, and him was so sorry for her... TOM: I mean, he just became a bloodthirsty creature of the night, no reason he should be hungry for gore. > "Are you two a couple yourselves?" Al asked. The woman laughed. "No sir, we're related. > We go up here once in a while to chill out. We're brother and sister." MIKE: [Woman] Well, actually, we're brother and sister *and* a couple -- oh, heck, look at the Arkansas plates, that should explain it... > Melanie > grinned. "Good. How would you two like to come walk with us for a while?" The siblings > looked shocked. "That would be an honor!" MIKE: [Pale] But why are you, like pale with fangs? CROW: Mike, let's admit it. They're stupid people. They don't even realize that you don't camp in Downtown L.A.! They probably think the Chinese theater is *in* China! MIKE: Good point. > Melanie and Al sort of licked the'r lips in > unison. TOM: [Al] Mmm. Kentucky Fried Siblings! MIKE: I'm suddenly wishing for the quiet dignity of The Wild, Wild World of Batwoman. > Al took the woman by the hand and Melanie grabbed the guy by > the arm and walked off towards the woods. TOM: When did this turn into the "Weird Al Project?" MIKE: [Melanie] Wanna see a dead body? CROW: [Guy] Sure! MIKE: [Melanie] Too bad it's *yours*... > Hal was trying to be nice to Layla, but she regarded him coldly. CROW: I can't blame her. I'd treat *anyone* who worked for E! that way. > "Listen > Hal, I can't get attached." she said. MIKE: [Layla] I'm all out of glue. > In the distance he saw a bright > shirt. Al and Melanie! They we're walking towards the woods two CROW: Oh no, she's channeling the spirit of Dr. Thinker! > ...lets just say > victims. Al was going to kill that woman. Melanie was going to turn > that guy into one of them. TOM: Layla was going to explain the plot some more. CROW: Hal was going to put a lampshade on his head and dance the Macarena. > Hal smiled and continued walking with Layla. MIKE: [Hal] Awww, homocide puts me into such a good mood... > The four separated. CROW: Wha? They seperate--but those two are still together? > > Al and the woman went to the east while Melanie and the man went > to the west. Pretty soon Al heard a shout. *Looks like Melanie is > done. My turn.* He turned to the woman. "Al, did you hear that? What > happened to that girl and my brother?" Al smiled. "I don't know." TOM: [Al, cheerfully] Time to die! MIKE: Perhaps they were attacked by a wurwulf. > He then grabbed the woman by the waist and gave her a deep kiss. She > couldn't resist. TOM: What, is EVERYONE in this fic Buddhist or something?! > He repeated what Melanie did to him. He sunk his > fangs into her throat. She didn't struggle much, she sort of leaned > into him. Soon she was a s cold as a corpse. She WAS a corpse, sucked > dry of any blood she had. He finally let up and dropped her to the ground. TOM: Geez, this is like the depressing version of _The Forsaken_! CROW: [Al] *BAAAARRRRP!* NEXT! > *Not bad, uh...ewww! Not a very clean job.* he thought. MIKE: And you just know she's going to mark him down for that. TOM: Cleanliness is next to vampiness, after all! > He wiped his > mouth on her shirt and went to find Melanie. MIKE: ...yep, you can just see the remorse for his first killing, can'tcha? TOM: See, this scene is so moving because we care about...um....well, about getting it over with, actually. > She found him before he > could even take a step. "Not bad Al. Looks like she won't be feeling > that in the morning! CROW: Ho ho, they may be vampires, but that doesn't mean they can't have humorous one liners! > Lets go see if Layla and Hal had any luck." Al > nodded and followed. CROW: [Al] Oh well, I just stole the life of someone who held me in the highest respect. Oh, well, off to see the other wacky lovebirds! MIKE: Wait. Didn't she turn that other guy into a vampire? Shouldn't she be debriefing him? TOM: Hush, Mike, you sound like you care. MIKE: Sorry, I'm just afraid the plot holes will eat me whole. > **************************************************** CROW: Hey, there's snow all over the fanfic! > You like? TOM: I'd rather be sold as scrap metal to some Jawas than read anymore of this. > Hold on it gets worse... TOM: [Jamie] I'm bringing in my co-authors, Oscar and David Gonterman! CROW and MIKE: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! > I'm not going to lie to you. It ends > very sad, and I made my self cry, but I think my most beautiful work comes > from sadness... but it made my mom sad too... MIKE: [Jamie's mom, sobbing] I don't know where I went wrong with her! TOM: Well, get ready for a tidal wave of beauty, 'cause that was REALLY PATHETICALLY SAD. > so i thought I would warn ya. Stay > tuned next week for Chapter 5! TOM: Don't touch that dial! CROW: But first, your local news. MIKE: C'mon, let's go guys... [M&TB bots exit the theater] [1...2...3...4...5...6] MIKE: Well...Weird Al, song parodist, and Hal Sparks, talk show host, are attacked by vampires and become members of the living dead. TOM: Huh. CROW: Certainly not your average run-of-the-mill bad fanfic... MIKE: Yeeeep... TOM: Definetly out of the ordinary... MIKE: Yeeeep... CROW: Absolutely not what we USUALLY see in our experiments... MIKE: Yeeeep... TOM: Yeeeep... CROW: Yeeeep... [A few moments of silence go by as M&TB allow this sad fact to sink in] CROW: But sheesh, there's got to be better ideas out there. Sure, the Weird Al/ Hal Sparks/Vampire idea is original, but aren't there some even better musician/talk show host combos out there? Like, how about Spike Jones and Queen Latifah are kidnapped by a flying saucer and transported to Mars, where they must survive the harsh climate while trying to escape from brain-eating slime creatures? TOM: Heyyy....I think you're onto something, Crow! MIKE: Hey, I got one-Geraldo and Gerardo, after a freak nuclear accident, become hideously deformed mutants and prey upon the flesh of humans? CROW: Well, wait, aren't they already hideously deformed mutants? MIKE: Oh yea, good point. TOM: Wait, wait, wait! How about this? A special episode of Springer where P. Diddy reveals to Jennifer Lopez that he was dating Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, behind her back? CROW: Or how about Britney Spears and Howard Stern undertake a quest to find the perfect halter top? MIKE: Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys and Barbara Walters of the View are forced to defend the planet from Godzilla! CROW: Rush Limbaugh and Donna Summer team up to uncover the conspiracy to keep secret the number of licks it takes to get the center of a Tootsie Pop! MIKE: Rikki Lake meets up with the Offspring and take a road trip together, learning about friendship, love, and why exactly they mention her in "Pretty Fly For A White Guy." TOM: Wait, I've got it! This is the best one of all! MIKE: What is it, Tom? CROW: Yea, what is it? TOM: Okay, while Vanilla Ice is temping at a laboratory, he's shot up into a satellite by the evil Sally Jesse Raphael and forced to watch bad music videos as part of a wicked experiment! [Stunned silence from Mike and Crow] MIKE: That's deep, Servo... CROW: Wow...for some reason, I get this feeling of deja vu. Weird... TOM: Yea, that's why it's so cool! MIKE: Well, I hope we've all had fun today. Didn't you? CROW: [laughs weakly] Yes, did we not enjoy ourselves with our rousing game of What Would Make A Great Musician/Talk Show Host Crossover? TOM: [speaking in a monotone] Why, yes indeed we did. It was quite possibly the most fun experience I have ever had in my entire life. MIKE: That's nice... [M&TB all laugh weakly] TOM: But still, that last one...it really does seem familiar in some way. MIKE: You're right...I wonder why? [After a moment of philosophical silence and soul searching, the fanfic sign goes off] MIKE: Uh oh, we've got fanfic sign! CROW: The whole concept just sounds so eerily familiar...maybe it's on TV or something? [6...5...4...3...2...1...] [M&TB enter the theater.] > Well, here's what you've been waiting for! TOM: The ending? CROW: Yay, it's finally over! > BTW, this chapter explains > the first story. TOM: So, the author waits five chapters to explain the story to us. CROW: I don't think any amount of explaining is going to save us now. > **************************************************** CROW: The first story apparently consisted of lots of dead sea urchins... > Chapter 5: You Suck MIKE: Oh yea?! Well, you smell weird and your mother dresses you funny! CROW: Too late, fanfic! TOM: Yea, we already made that joke back in Chapter 2! > Al and Melanie came out of the woods while Hal looked nervously for a > place to hide the body. MIKE: Or the cops, or family, or friends, or the bum who sees Martians, or... CROW: It's just like a Manson family reunion. TOM: So being a vampire is a lot like being a gangster? MIKE: Maybe we'll be seeing a Little Vampire/Sopranos crossover soon. [The bots stare at him] MIKE: Or that could be totally wrong. Nevermind. > He couldn't let Al see who it was. Hal > thought it was Jamie but to his relief, it wasn't. MIKE: Wait wait wait. Jamie? THE AUTHOR? AGAIN?! TOM: Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse... CROW: If he calls her "Jamie-kins" I'm leaving. > Oops! Too late! Al > walked over beside Hal. "Hey, what lucky person did you...HAL!" Hal > flinched at Al's shriek. "Airline...I mean AMY? How could you? TOM: ...huh. And we have title, just in the wrong chapter. Whatever, fanfic. MIKE: I guess now she's the DEADEST flight attendant he knows. CROW: [Hal] She was always stingy with the honey-roasted peanuts. > I...you...OHHHHH!!!" Al threw a rock at Hal. "She was so nice in > Albuquerque! Did you even bother to look at who you were killing? You > bastard!" TOM: [Al] She was like a song to me!! MIKE: Hello? What the hell are we supposed to be feeling? Innocent, *nice* people dying isn't funny. We don't know the character at all, so it's not *sad*. It's certainly not a thrilling allegory as to the hidden life of vampires, either. The only other emotions I can think of are wonder and boredom. TOM: I think boredom wins here. CROW: Then again, I'm also feeling a tinge of nausea, can't discount that. TOM: True, true... > Al flopped down in the soft grass, he was really angry. MIKE: A true sign of anger: flopping in the grass. Next thing you know, he'll be in the corner writing bad poetry. CROW: Good for him! Being really angry helps clear out your colon. > Melanie sat down and hugged him. "It's alright. It was a mistake, > wasn't it Hal?" Melanie cooed. TOM: [Hal] Nope. Enjoyed every minute of it. > Hal nodded in reply. Layla walked up > behind Hal. "Well, well! Looks like you found one of Al's friends. TOM: Joe Lieberman? > You should have been more careful Hal. That was lesson one!" she > cackled. Al sat up and shot daggers at Layla. MIKE: Those are supposed to be wooden stakes, Al! All those will do is make her mad. > "Layla. How could you > laugh at a time like this? Can't you show a little sympathy for me, > or anybody for that matter? No! MIKE: Question answered. So who's for chocolate frosty milkshakes? TOM: Oh, completely like Al, who killed a complete stranger. It only matters if you *know* the person. > I bet if Melanie died you wouldn't > bat an eye!" Al yelled. Layla replied with a smart slap to his face. CROW: Rather than a stupid slap to his face. MIKE: Proust is NOT all about the boursgeois oppression of the masses! You take that back! TOM: That slap can recite the periodic table in Latin. > *For some odd reason, people like to slap me when I speak my > opinion.* Al thought. MIKE: [Al] Like the time I told Fran Drescher she had an annoying voice. TOM: That explains the long line after all his concerts. CROW: I guess the music business must be slapping him a lot. > Al walked off to the side rubbing the side of > his face; TOM: [Al] She can slap me! I lose... sigh... > meanwhile Melanie started up with Layla. "Don't you slap > him! If anyone is going to slap him, let it be me, CROW: [Castle Anthrax accent] And then you must slap me! TOM: And me! MIKE: And me! CROW: You must slap us all! And then, the oral sex! > and only if he > deserves it! Right then he didn't deserve it, YOU do!" Melanie swung > her hand back and whacked Layla in the face. "OWWW! YOU BITCH!" CROW: [whistles] Catfight! Yeah! TOM: This... is the fic I've been waiting all of my life for... thank you God... MIKE: And then Al comes back with a tray of international coffees, and they all sit down and laugh. > Layla > punched Melanie in the nose. Al and Hal pulled the girls away from > each other, BOTS: Nooo! MIKE: Probably just as well, evil vampire cat fights just aren't as appealing. > both nearly injured in the process. Melanie stomped on > Al's foot and Layla elbowed Hal in the nose. CROW: All this violence against noses. What gives? > It was a long and silent > walk to the house. The Dynamic Duo MIKE: Now don't tell me she's roped Adam West and Burt Ward into this? TOM: Bounding Bloodsuckers! Could this spell the end of Al and Hal? Tune in next time for the answer, same Vamp-Time, same Vamp-Channel! > wanted to go home but the girls > wanted to keep an eye on them until they were sure they could carry > their own. MIKE: Their own what? Sacks of potatoes? TOM: No, Mike, she means utility belts. > Amy was dead and Al wished he could have known her. That > song... it was weird and Al tried not to think about it. His thoughts > wandered to Philo and Stanley. TOM: [Al] For the love of God, I don't even know who they are! > *I shouldn't think about them now. I > only knew them for a short while, yet I miss them as I would a close > friend. Don't cry dude! CROW: See, even he feels sorry for Argentina. TOM: Mike, is it ever a good idea to give a real person an imaginary backstory? MIKE: I don't know, but I just noticed that all of those people are from UHF... > Wait until you get home.* He tried to hold it > in, but it was hard. He finally let out a small noise. TOM: It turned out to be the mating call for the Northwestern Blue Jay. Weird coincidence, that... > "Al, what's > wrong? You look like someone killed your...sorry." Melanie said. CROW: Ohhh...akward. > Al > shook his head and sat on the porch. "You guys go ahead. CROW: [Al] I need Me Time. And I need to finish this crossword puzzle... > I'll be > there in a minute, I need to be alone for a while okay?" Al looked at > the ground when he heard the door click behind him. The grass was > getting blurry. MIKE: [Al] Ohh, great... Morpheus, I don't *wanna* be the One right now!! > "Poor guy. I don't think he's sad about Amy. He never knew her. He's > sad about...Albuquerque." Hal said. MIKE: Oh, come on. Their crime rate isn't *that* bad... TOM: [Hal] He couldn't fit all the lyrics into the CD jacket, and now people are making up all sorts of perverted things he never really said. > Melanie got up off the couch. > "What happened in Albuquerque? Was it something bad?" TOM: [Hal] Some girl he really liked wanted to join the Columbia House Record Club, but he just wasn't ready for that kind of a commitment. > she asked. Hal > looked at the floor. "It was pretty bad for both of us. CROW: We had forgotten to bring clean underwear! > You see Al > showed up at my house one day and we had no idea what he was doing > there. ALL: Join the club! > The his friend Philo showed up and told us a story about an > evil corporation called The Gapp. CROW: Gasp! The Gap! TOM: Say what you will about the pronounciation, that extra 'p' saves 'em from a whole load of lawsuits. MIKE: Today only, there's 20% off...of DEATH! > I'm sure you heard about them in > the news recently. CROW: [Melanie] No, but I think I fell into them once. TOM: They were the ones advertising the inflatible time machine. > But anyway, Al, Philo, and I went to Albuquerque > where their headquarters were located. We were caught, and held there > for two days and in the process, we had the privilage of watching > Philo die. TOM: Well, that's rather nice of them. Some evil corporations just *tell* you that your friend was killed. MIKE: Yeah, like Old Navyy or Leviss. CROW: [Melanie] You lucky STIFF! Did you tape it? Can I come over to watch? Please? Please? MIKE: [Hal] I wouldn't say "privilege" really. More like "right"...wait, something wrong there. TOM: Ah, Philo, we hardly knew ye! With your half a character trait and all. > It tore Al up, he was so sad. I couldn't be too sad > because I hardly knew the guy... CROW: [Hal] In fact, I'm glad the bastard died! Ha ha! > but I digress, then the guy that > killed Philo, who which was brainwashed, TOM: Who which was way where when why... whee! > helped us escape. We came > back and tore their computer system down. Then he turned on us. He > threatened to kill Al and I, but instead..." TOM: [Hal] He made us eat baloney and cheese sandwiches! It was *SO* degrading! > his voice trailed off. > Layla jumped up next. "WHAT?" she yelled. Hal looked up and cleared > his throat. "He killed himself." There was a heavy silence. Then > someone cleared his throat. MIKE: It was Charlton Heston in a surprising cameo! > > *************************************************** > > Hmm...and you wonder why I didn't post the first story... MIKE: Because for one moment... one fleeting moment, you felt an insignifigant flicker of human mercy and kindness and decided not to TORTURE US? CROW: Wait, there's STILL more fanfic to go?! Just when we had our hopes up! > Yeah...I know I said Sunday...but...I gotta do it now!! MIKE: Egad, lady, resist temptation! It's easy! > **************************************************** > Chapter 6: Albuquerque TOM: A! L! B! U! ....QUERQUE! CROW: Snow above Albuquerque? Riiiiiiight. > Al was leaning against the back wall behind Hal. His eyes were a little red, > but he looked calm. TOM: Just another typical day in the village of the damned! > "Yep. That's the story. I wish it wasn't true..." he said. > Melanie ran up and threw her arms around his neck. The whole room was quiet > for what it seemed, hours. MIKE: But then the fanfic decided to continue on its ruinous path. TOM: And we've, been reading this, for what, it seemed, hours. CROW: How do you pronounce those commas? TOM: It's a gift. > Then Layla jumped off the couch and started pacing. > "Well...now that's been done and discussed, now what? It's about six o' > clock right now. In the morning! CROW: Umm...aren't we forgetting that whole "Step into sunlight, die a painful firey death" part of vamipirism? TOM: Well...maybe it's cloudy out? MIKE: Come on, guys, stop trying to figure out the rules. You need the rule book. CROW: I'm not paying $19.95 for it. TOM: Me neither. MIKE: Your loss. > We have a whole day ahead of us and I don't > want to spend it moping around! We're going on a trip! MIKE: A Field Trip with the Kid's Crew! TOM: Don't even JOKE about that, Nelson! > That's it! Pack your > crap and lets get going!" TOM: [Al] Do I really have to pack my crap? Usually I just flush it. I pack Harvey's, though, it makes _great_ fertilizer if we unexpectedly happen across a sentient fern. > Layla stormed out of the room leaving the remaining > three baffled. Al sat down on the couch. "What was that all about? I really > don't feel like traveling. Where are we going to go anyway?" CROW: [Melanie] Oh, the Kwik-E-Mart. She dramatizes everything. MIKE: [Layla] But it's the Kwik-E-Mart of DESTINY! > Melanie pulled > out a duffle bag from the closet. "Knowing Layla, anywhere. She does this a > lot. We've been everywhere! Paris, London, Minnesota... TOM: Ah, Minnesota, land of darkness and mystery! > um, California, West > Virginia, Washington..." her voice trailed off. CROW: [Al] That's _not_ how you sing "Fifty Nifty United States", you know. > "Go home and pack your stuff > guys. We'll be here." > Hal arranged his clothes in his bag. MIKE: GAAAH!!! TOM: What?!? MIKE: [Grabbing neck] I think I got whiplash from that sudden scene change! > He counted off the items he needed, and > then carefully...throwing them haphazardly into the bag. "Well, that should > be everything. No, my Walkman!" CROW: He can't go anywhere without his Monster Mash Mega-Mix tape. > He ran to the bathroom (why it was there is a > good question) TOM: A question for a much better fanfic. MIKE: The author doesn't know why a bathroom was there? > and grabbed it off the counter. He threw that into the bag, > zipped it up and ran through the house to the car. When he arrived at Layla's, > Al was already there. TOM: For some reason he'd packed two cups of sugar and a four month old bologna sandwich. > He didn't look good at all. Melanie was supporting him > because he looked like he was going to fall over, and his face was even > whiter than it was in the past 4 hours. TOM: Al is slowly turning into Michael Jackson, I see. MIKE: At the rate he's going, people'll go blind when they look at him. CROW: Yea, pretty soon he'll be able to land planes with his face... > Hal jumped out of his car and ran > over to the three vampires. CROW: The Three Vampires? Wasn't Steve Martin in that? > "Hey, what's wrong?" Al shook his head. "No. I'm > so not going there." MIKE: [Al] Don't go there, girlfriend. I'll go around the block with you on it! CROW: [Al] Like, gag me with a spoon, I am so totally not going there! > Layla just laughed. "You have to." TOM: [Layla] It's in Chapter 12 of the rule book, section 32: You must always obey the snotty character no one likes just to further the plot. Ha ha! > Hal put his foot down. "WHAT? WHERE ARE WE GOING??" Al swung his hand back > and gave Hal a good whack in the face. MIKE: Really, did these vampires not pass kindergarten, or at least not the part about keeping hands, feet, and objects to themselves? CROW: THRILL! To see Weird Al and Hal Sparks turned into The Two Vampire Stooges! > "ALBUQUERQUE!" Well, that woke him up. CROW: [Albuquerque] I'm awake, I'm awake! Dear god, I'm covered in rabbit holes. > "Al, that really hurt! Layla, we can't go to Albuquerque. Why there anyway? I > told you we could never go back there. EVER." Layla smiled. "It'll be good > for you two. Why relive bad memories when you can start good ones? MIKE: [Hal] Oh, yeah, playing in the sun while being stalked with vicious memories of my friend dying will definantly uplift my spirits. > We'll have > fun don't worry." MIKE: [Layla] We'll have fun don't worry I like soup you go home. > She walked off. > When she was far enough so they couldn't hear, she let out an evil giggle. TOM: It's a bit hard to pull off an evil giggle. > "Lots of fun...." CROW: So this is turning into Evil Vampires vs. Good Vampires. Wow, this *is* White Wolf. TOM: WARNING! Foreshadowing alert! WARNING! > > Chapter 7---SUNDAY!!! CROW: o/~Bloody Sunday!o/~ TOM: o/~I wish it was Sunday/My "I don't have to run" day/It's just another Manic Monday o/~ > It's a small world after all...hehehe > *************************************************** > > ****************************************************** > Chapter 7: She Drives Like Crazy TOM: With Melissa Joan Hart as the roadkill. CROW: She also drives Ms. Daisy, but that's another story. > > Layla was speeding. Practically everybody's knuckles were white, especially > Hal's. TOM: That might have been more visually illustrative had they not all been VAMPIRES!!! > "Layla! Why are you going so fast? Are we going to be late for > something?" Layla just ignored him; CROW: What are they so worried about? They're vampires! Unless they're carrying a trunk full of sharpened stakes, what's a car crash going to do to them? MIKE: Well, if nothing else, you gotta figure pulling yourself from twisted, burning wreckage really hurts. > she had a lot on her mind. *How hard is > this going to be? I thought it was a good idea to recruit them, TOM: [Layla] I mean they were the perfect, anonymous victims. > but Melanie > is getting attached to Al. MIKE: Melanie's going to lay her eggs in his chest now. > Really attached! CROW: We're talking Super-Bondo-Crazy Glue! It can support an elephant FIFTY FEET IN THE AIR! TOM: See, this is why you keep your library paste and your Nonoxynol-9 in *labelled jars*. > I know I'm starting to fall in > love with Hal, but if I do that then how will I ever be able to seduce a man > without feeling guilty? MIKE: What is this, Days of our Lives? CROW: You know, Layla? You don't _have_ to seduce the guy if you're just going to kill him. Why not just run up to the guy, suck his blood, and then run off? TOM: A hit and suck, eh? Sounds intriguing... > I have to get them out of the way, Al is taking too > much of Melanie's time. Way too much...* MIKE: o/~ If I could save time in a bottle... o/~ TOM: Layla, chill! Melanie's barely known him for twenty-four hours, how can he be taking up any of her time?! > She let her foot off of the accelerator, she was very nervous. Melanie, who > was in the passenger seat, gripped her seat belt. "Thank goodness! I thought.. > .Layla, what's wrong? You look angry." TOM: [Layla] Buffy moved to UPN! > "It's nothing, Melanie. I'm just a > little anxious to get there." TOM: [Layla] If I'm not the first in line for Anne Rice's new book, heads will roll! > They kept on driving for a little while. TOM: So now its a crossover with _The Odd Couple II_. MIKE: Knock it off, Tom. > It felt like an eternity later when they arrived at an old house. *Great.* > Al thought. *Another one. How many old houses are we going to come across? TOM: [Al] It's like this stupid country is *full* of houses or something... > Too many dammit!* Then he suddenly felt the hair on the back of his neck > stand on end. He shot a look at Hal. He felt it too. The Dynamic Duo knew > whatever awaited them in that spooky old house wasn't good. TOM: This isn't that episode where they meet Scooby Doo, is it? CROW: "Zoiks! Like, let's get out of here, Hal!" MIKE: "Ri'm rith rou, Reird Ral!" TOM: [Batman narrator] WHAT'S THIS? Our fearless accordionist and his wisecracking sidekick stuck in a bloody situation? Tune in next week, same Weird Al time, same Hal Sparks channel! [pauses, switches to his own voice] Yet being characters in *this* story, they'll blithely ignore any and all warnings that they receive until they're neck deep in shi-- MIKE: CROW! CROW: *What*? *What*? MIKE: Oh, sorry. Force of habit. TOM! > The house was beautiful. Inside the old peeling, creaky door was a marble > floor with pillars and a really high ceiling with a grand, sweeping, > glistening chandelier. TOM: [Narrator] It'd be beautiful, that is, if it weren't moldy and falling apart. Don't you love editing? > Hal and Al gaped at the interior. CROW: [Al] My heavens, can you believe these drapes? MIKE: [Hal] And these Ming vases are sooooo pase. > They've been in nice > places before, but not like this! The damned foursome CROW: Wow, even the _author_ doesn't like the characters! > walked up the wood > staircase when they found a long hallway lined with numerous doors. CROW: Oh, they wandered onto the set of Let's Make a Deal. MIKE: Reminds me of a disturbing episode of "Square 1." > "Well, > shall we pick some rooms?" Layla asked. CROW: [Al] Okay! I call bathroom!! TOM: [Melanie] ...you sleep on linoleum? CROW: [Al] It's comfy! > They each picked out a room to stay > in, they all looked alike on the inside so they got theirs all in a row. > First was Layla's, then there were Melanie's, then Hal's, then Al's. After > they unloaded their stuff they walked down the stairs and found some sort of > family room. CROW: Well, a bit more of my soul is fulfilled knowing that information. TOM: INTENSE...UNPACKING...ACTION! MIKE: Then they mercilessly killed the owners of the family room while making snide comments. Its funny! LAUGH, DAMN YOU, LAUGH! > "Wow. This place is cool. How did you know about this place > Layla?" Al asked. It's mine. Melanie and I come here for the summer sometimes. > " She said no more. CROW: Um, did she say anything at all? Or was that all the power of Mental Telepathy? MIKE: Such drama! TOM: I know! Does the action ever start?! > They were seated on old furniture that looked like it > cost a fortune. They were quiet for quite some time. CROW: [Hal] So, drank any interesting people lately? > *How am I going to do > this? I have to lie to Melanie so she would kill Al. What about though, will > I tell her he's cheating on her or what? TOM: [Layla] I have to save my friend from these losers who we are both strangely attracted to. I'll make her kill him by manipulation and such. MIKE: Hey, each sentence has a different tense, what gives? CROW: Layla, just pick a tense and STICK TO IT! > I'll figure it out later; I need to > entertain these losers.* MIKE: I guess this is the point where the narrator decided to catch a fast smoke break? > "Well, Al. When are you going to record a new album?" > TOM: [Al] How 'bout the first of when I'm NOT FRIGGIN' UNDEAD! > "Probably sometime when I get home. I'm not sure what I'm going to parody, > but I'll be sure to listen to the radio...maybe some Limp Bizkit, some Korn, CROW: [Al] Limp Bizkit, Korn, chili, green pepper, chicken... [sighs] onions... > something the younger crowd would enjoy. I really like Freak On A Leash, that' > s a really cool song." Al replied. The rest of the night wasn't ver eventfull. MIKE: Much like...the other nights we've seen...or the days...or the actual minutes... > The it struck Layla. "Al, will you step outside with me for a minute?" MIKE: [Al] Layla, why is there a light bulb burning above your head? TOM: [Layla] Girl thing. It happens. MIKE: [Al] Ohhh! > "Sure." MIKE: [Al] Does this mean we're actually going to do something? > The two walked outside MIKE: HOT WALKING OUTSIDE ACTION! > and around the garden where no one would hear her. > "Al, there's something I have to tell you...about Melanie." CROW: She's not really a vampire. She's just an intern. > "What? Is there something the matter?" > "Well, kinf of. TOM: Someone replacef all my d's with f's! > You see, Melanie is...uh, playing you. She actually has > another vampire named..." She hated to mention his name but she came to far > now. "His name is Philo." CROW: Philo Math! ... he's a big early R.E.M. fan. TOM: I *really* hope that this isn't the Philo from UHF. > Al felt his heart stop. MIKE: He's dead, it stopped a long time ago! TOM: I know, Mike, I know. I'll get Gypsy to make some nice cocoa and I'll borrow Pearl's Excedrin when this all over. Sound good? MIKE: Okay... > His head started to pound. CROW: Hey, Al's brain and heart switched functions! > "What's his name?" he asked shakily. "Philo. Why, you know him?" MIKE: And more importantly, why the hell should we care? TOM: What is this? "My Dinner With Nosferatu?" CROW: Yeah! Come on! You're vampires! Vamp! Debauch! Boink! Something! > The ground > was spinning, he didn;t answer. MIKE: Layla decided never again to make explosive revelations on the Tilt-a-Whirl. > "Al, are you alright? We should go back to > the house." Al nodded at her. "Y-you go ahead. I'll b-be fine." Layla felt a > little concerned. "Are you sure?" "Y-yeah, j-just go. I'l be inside in a > minute." CROW: It's "Weird Porky" Pigovic! > Layla shook her head. "Alright." She walked off silently laughing. TOM: Wow, she went from concerned to laughing in less than a sentence. Impressive. MIKE: [Al] Hey, Layla, why are you mouthing the words "muhahahahahaha?" > Al was alone in the garden. *Oh my God. Philo? CROW: It's me, Margaret. > Is he a vampire too? Did we > really see him on the road? I can't take this, this is way too much for > little ol' me. I can't believe this. Melanie is INVOLVED with him?* He > stumbled back to the house. TOM: [Al] Coming back from the dead...sure, that's nifty, but he's MAKING PLAYS ON MY GIRL? Argh, I'll KILL him! Again! TOM: So... Our "Randomly Inserted, yet Vitally Important Character" Count is at what? Six? Seven? MIKE: Does that include the random victim sibs from earlier? > ***************************************************** TOM: Oh, the house has one of those fancy crenelated fences. > > Tomorrow kiddies---Chapter 8!! CROW: Hal and Al Take Manhatten! [M&TB bots exit the theater] [1...2...3...4...5...6] [On the Bridge, Crow is reading an Archie comic, whilst Servo is perusing a very enlightening piece of literature, "Green Eggs and Ham." A few moments of silence pass as we observe our robot friends soaking up new knowledge from their reading material. Mike abruptly enters, clutching a very dusty photo album.] MIKE: All right, I found it! My old photo album! [He blows a thick layer of dust off of the cover, causing all three to cough loudly] CROW: [coughing] Geez, Mike, could you have chosen a better time? TOM: [hacking] I know, I was just at the part where the man furiously declared that he would not, could not, on a train! MIKE: Well, seeing the tormentuous lovelife of Al and Hal brought back so many memories for me today. So, I just thought I'd bring out my old photo album and show you guys some of my old flames... CROW: Oh well, why not? Go for it! MIKE: Alright then...[Mike opens the album and points to a picture. He proceeds to read in a cheery voice] Ah, this was back in high school. That was Gilian, the head cheerleader. That sweet little vixen was also a cute werewolf... TOM: [chuckling merrily] Awww look, she's chewing on a torso...how sweet! [Mike turns the page] CROW: Hey, Mike, who's this girl with the stiches on her head and the bolts coming out of her neck? MIKE: Oh, that was Jessica. Just look how gorgeous she was, even after she'd just walked right through the wall...each part of her was sewn together with love. CROW: Isn't that a beautiful Jessica-shaped hole in that wall? MIKE: [flips a few pages ahead] Aw, look, here's Hilda, just when she was about to try to chomp on my jugular vein. Moments after they took this photo, she fell off the couch and impaled herself on the table leg. [laughs at the memory] TOM: Mike, who's this girl right here? She's chasing you with a huge steak knife. MIKE: That was Tiffany. [starts laughing some more] She wanted to use me as a virgin sacrifice to Satan. CROW: [sighs] Ahhh...what wonderful memories, Mike. Just think, you'll be able to treasure every single one of them for years to come... MIKE: [sighs] Yes, indeed, Crow...and each relationship will continue to remain a part of my heart every time I look upon these beautiful pages of memories... [A few minutes of silence] TOM: Wow! The guy finally ate the Green Eggs and Ham, and discovered he liked them! That's so cool! CROW: Tom, you're ruining the moment! [Fanfic sign goes off] MIKE: Oh well, we've got fanfic sign! Time to put the album away! CROW: By the way, Mike, who took those photos, anyway? MIKE: You know, I'm not really at liberty to say... [6...5...4...3...2...1] [M&TB enter the theater] > This is not a very nice chapter and I regret sticking it on here...It was a > angry day for me when I wrote this one, so I'll cut it short and save you the > stomach problems. CROW: How about the headaches? MIKE: It gets *worse*? Dear God, they turned Adam Sandler and Tom Green into vampires. > ******************************************************* > Chapter 8!! > > Al came through the door. Everybody looked at him strangely CROW: [Hal] Wanna clue us in on how you walked through a solid object, Al? > and Melanie > jumped out of her seat and stomped past Al. TOM: [Melanie] I can't believe you didn't ask Coolio permission to do Amish Paradise! > "Melanie...wait!" She ran up the > steps and went to her room. Al looked perplexed. "I need to talk to her." Hal > jumped up angrily. "She doesn't want to talk to you. Neither do I! TOM: [Hal] Our years of loyal friendship has meant nothing; after a five second insult, I hate you. > You are so > low, Al. I thought you were a nice guy, but now...I don't know." Hal stormed > out of the room cursing. Al turned to Layla. He felt the hair on the back of > his neck stand on end again. MIKE: [Haley Joel Osment] You know that cold, tingly feeling you get on the back of your neck? It's them... > "What did you tell them Layla?" he asked. CROW: [Layla] That you were planning to collaberate with Tom Green. > The > only reply he got from her was a cold laugh. "Layla, what did you say?" TOM: Mike? I want it stated for the record that these are the wimpiest, whiniest, do nothing-est vampires I've ever seen! MIKE: [sigh] I know what you mean. Count Chocula could probably wipe the floor with these guys! CROW: Bunnicula, even! > "Goodnight Al." MIKE: [Layla] I'll leave a light on for ya. > She walked out of the room. Then she turned. "Pleasant > dreams." She skipped up the stairs. Al was alone again. *This looks bad. I > have to talk to Melanie; I need to know what Layla said about me...I need to > know about Philo.* CROW: I need to know why I'm such a doofus for falling for such an idiotic scheme! > He heard a voice. He felt a cold wind on his shoulder. "Al. > .." He looked to where the cold, hollow voice was coming from. CROW: Kevin Bacon? > Philo stood in > the middle of the room right in front of Al. CROW: [Philo] Al...Al...I am the Ghost of Crappy Flashbacks Past, Al... > Philo said not a word and walked, > no, floated towards Al. MIKE: No, wait, he glided! No, he FLEW! > Al tried to move but he couldn't, it felt like he > was glued to the floor. CROW: Presenting our new Crazy Glue Spokesman, "Weird Al" Yankovic! TOM: Here, Al shows that the bonding power of Crazy Glue is enough to hold even a vampire! > Philo finally spoke. "Watch the blonde..." Philo > floated back towards the middle of the room and was immersed in a bright > white light. Al shielded his eyes when Philo disappeared. Al then fainted. MIKE: And the point of that was? CROW: Always have a pillow ready in case cryptic specters fly out of nowhere? TOM: Never turn your back or guys named Philo will scare the crap out of you? MIKE: This would go a lot faster if our main characters weren't either complete wusses or if they were actually *in* character. > When Al woke up it was dark. He got up off the floor and walked towards the > kitchen. MIKE: He's going for a *bite*. CROW: Yeah, its driving him *batty*. > There was a note on the fridge. 'Al: went to feed, go get some > yourself. Please visit me when you get back. Love, Melanie.' CROW: Okay, so she likes him again. [Turns to Mike] Mike, I wasn't aware that vampirism made you manic-depressive. MIKE: They like to keep that quiet. TOM: But she was pissed at him two paragraphs ago! MIKE: Hey, they've known each other a full day, now. The wedding can't be far off. > Al put the note down and walked outside to the street. *Where to now? I > think I'll go towards the west.* MIKE: Go west, young man! CROW: GO WEST. TOM: You go west. You see more weak and convoluted plot. > He walked past other old houses CROW: GO AROUND HOUSE. TOM: You see a troll jimmying a window. He seems to have forgotten his keys. > and > mailboxes for what it seemed like forever. He finally found a target. TOM: [Narrator] Unfortunately, the local Target had a bomb scare earlier that evening, and was still closed. Thus, he proceeded to the nearby Wal-Mart... > She was a pretty little thing, wasn't very thin, but nice looking. She had > on a Hawaiian shirt and black jeans, like Al's. CROW: Woah, black jeans and a Hawaiian shirt. So she's a geek from the waist up? MIKE: In fact, she was Al! Whoa. > She noticed his eyes on her. " TOM: [Girl] Eww! Keep those things in their sockets, mister! > Hello? Is anyone there? Oh! Weird Al! Wow! What are you doing here at this > time of night?" TOM: [Al} Nothing, nothing. Certainly not stalking victims to feed off of... Daaa, I mean... > Al walked up beside her. He noticed she was very young, about > sixteen. "Oh, I was just walking. What time is it?" CROW: Time for you to die. Er, I mean 12:30. > She looked down at her > watch and pressed the glow button. CROW: Holy crap, so far the indiglo watch is the most interesting thing in the story! MIKE: Also by far the brightest. > "About 11:27. Nice night huh?" MIKE: Wow, that conversation turned to the weather rather quickly. > He put his > arm around her shoulder. "Yep. It could be better." She looked up at him. " > What do you mean?" TOM: Spike Jones would NEVER do this. > He suddenly felt evil. "Come on." He grabbed her hand and > the ran back up the street. Past all the mailboxes and back to the old house, > and into the living room. TOM: Talk about easy living! His victims must have the brain's of amoeba! This girl's more passive than a LEMMING! MIKE: Well if Weird Al came up to you in the middle of the night, would you think something was wrong? CROW: Yeah, I blame our school system for not teaching our children the evils of musicians turned vampires. > They stopped and walked up the stairs. *She's so > confident that I won't hurt her. I don't think anyone is afraid of me. I don' > t want to do this; she's only a baby!* he thought. TOM: She's one of those rare sixteen year-old infants. CROW: They're not so rare. MIKE: [Kid] Please Al, I'm only seventeen! > > ************************************************** > Cut-out. TOM: I think she means 'cop-out.' > Summary: He JUST kisses her and drinks, panicks and stuffes her > under a bed. > ***************************************************** MIKE: ZAP! To the Cliff's Notes version, Batman! TOM: Good thing she's so pliable and submissive, or she might, y'know, lift the mattress and escape. CROW: [author] He just killed her and fed upon her blood! He didn't MAKE OUT with her or anything!! > > He turned around when the door burst open. "Any luck Al?" Hal asked. Al > nodded and hung his head. Hal felt concerned. MIKE: Which is odd for a guy who was on the verge of never talking to him again, but there you go, it's wackiness in vamp land today! > "Al, what's wrong? Who did you > kill?" MIKE: Hey! I thought you only killed the first time you did this! CROW: You can't invent a bunch of stupid rules while breaking well known rules and then break your own rules as well! TOM: This story is going to fall right into a plot hole of its own making any minute. > Al didn't reply; he just pulled the body out from under the bed. "Al. > You...didn't..." Hal stammered. MIKE: [Hal] Al! How shocking! I mean, we're all vampires, blots on the whole of Creation, loathesome emblems of cancerous disease and corruption, vile depravity! But man, killing a girl in a Hawaiian shirt is *really* beyond the pale! > Al got up and pushed past Hal and went to his > room. CROW: So, why'd he hide the body in Hal's room? MIKE: Maybe it's his birthday. > He couldn't face the others right now. When Hal tells them what he did-- > -he didn't want to think about it. He laid down in his bed and pulled the > covers over his head. "What am I going to do now?" TOM: Disguise her as a scarecrow and hope nobody notices? MIKE: I think at this point in any killing spree, you really have to stake yourself to death. Do it! Do it! > **************************************************** CROW: [Al] Oh, that's what I'll do. Play in the snow that's inexplicably falling. > > > *sigh* Tis a evil one I must say. Hmm, I wonder how they're going to act > when he comes down? Find out tomorrow!! TOM: Same Bat time, same Batty plot. MIKE: My vote's on 'mildly ineffectual and generally idiotic, with a sort of weak evil that would fit best into an Aaron Spelling production'. But that's just a guess! > Sigh, why must we suffer? MIKE: Said the readers as they continued to sob. TOM: You tell me, author. You tell me. > ****************************************************** Chapter 9: 12:00****** CROW: Ooh, midnight. ... or noon, although that would suck if you were a vampire. > Chapter 9!! CROW: Yipee! Look! Chapter 9! I can't believe it! TOM: NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! MIKE: The fic begins! ACHTUNG! TOM: [muttering] Svinehund... > > Al fell asleep crying. He felt so bad because somewhere, the girl's parents > will be looking for her. They won't be able to find their daughter's body and > they will never know what happened to her. TOM: Argh...an assault on the senses *and* the TENSES... > Al knew what happened to her, he > killed her. CROW: You know, this already sounds like the making of a great National Enquirer exposé... > The nightmare he had didn't help him either: it started in the > bedroom where he killed the girl. CROW: And after he killed her, he went to work naked! > It was dark and cold as it was when he > first walked in there with her. The curtains fluttered as the wind howled > outside and the thunder crashed while the lightning tore the sky. TOM: See? Even Zeus hates Al now. > He turned > around to walk out. The girl was standing in front of him. She didn't speak, > she didn't move, she only looked at him with her big, wide eyes. MIKE: He killed one of those big-eyed kid painting models? TOM: The other Powerpuff girls closed in. Soon there was no escape... CROW: Oh my God, he killed C-Ko! > They were > really blue and bright and piercing. He tried to speak but it felt as if his > vocal chords where frozen. TOM: Yes, suddenly Al had lost all use of G-minor and C-sharp. > The girl suddenly started to laugh. Her hair grew > longer and she transformed into a taller woman. Her face was maniacal and she > had long fangs. TOM: Oh no, she turned into a wurwulf! > Al suddenly recognized her. Layla, She laughed harder. Soon > she was roaring with hysterical cackling. She lept towards his throat with an > evil shout... MIKE: PACKERS! TOM: OLLY-OLLY-OXENFREE! CROW: GEEEET MEEEET! MIKE: GERONIMO! TOM: MR. BEARDSLY! CROW: HI-KEEBA! > Al sat straight up. He was sweating and shaking. *That was horrible. What's > going to happen to me?* TOM: Well, you're already damned for all eternity. What more could you want? > He looked at the clock. 12:30am. He got off the bed > and walked towards the stairs. He didn't want to face them, but he had no > choice. MIKE: He could just strip down, smear himself with mango juice, and sell his body to the circus... > When he arrived at the bottom, Melanie, Hal, and Layla was waiting > for him. CROW: Al, welcome to your intervention. > "Well, Hal just told us that you killed a child in cold blood. MIKE: [Layla] We've got the Ramsey's on line one. > Wow, > you must have been really hungry!" Layla said sarcastically. MIKE: [Al] No, then I would have raided Jenny Craig. Geez, who taught _you_ logic? > "It was a..." Al > started. "I couldn't help...it." He noticed that Melanie and Hal looked > really sad and Layla had her hand behind her back. "Well Al, I'll tell you > about the rules of being a vampire. You see, you should NEVER kill anyone > under the age of 18. CROW: Unless they're the Olsen Twins. TOM: [Layla] You can't drain someone unless they're at the age of consent in this state! Only a Governor's pardon can help you now! > That calls for the severest punishment. Even though I > was to explain this last night, I was caught up in one of Melanie's problems. CROW: [Al] So...doesn't that make it your fault for not telling me? MIKE: [Layla] ...d'oh! > You. She knew that I told you of Philo. I told her that you were so angry > that you planned a massacre, well that's another law. MIKE: Ape must not kill ape. TOM: You must NOT go into the Forbidden Zone. CROW: Right now, this fic feels like it's being written by an ape... > Never kill out of cold > blood and always drink as much to fill you. Well, even planning on breaking > that law is another offense. Now you are a dead man! TOM: [darkly] Dead man walking! > I have permission form > the one who has bitten you and from a close peer, a.k.a. Hal, to carry you > the punishment. TOM: Is this entire fic going pre-literate? > The punishment is, Al, that I get to kill you. TOM: Wow, no wonder vampires don't exist. Their unintelligible rules killed them all off. CROW: [Al] You can't kill me, I quit! > Not fast, but > very, very slowly. The longest this punishment ever lasted was three days and > four hours. Melanie recorded it. I was the one who killed a man who broke the > same laws as you did...boy, was he a mess. There was nothing left of him. I > know you know what is to happen next. MIKE: And they know that you know that I know that they know... > I would run if I were you." MIKE: [Al] Any regulations on where I get to run to? TOM: [Layla] You have to go forward two steps and one to the left...continuously! > Layla brought her hand out from behind her back and revealed a dagger. Hal > and Melanie brought their hands up and revealed rope and masking tape. MIKE: But...but...he's a vampire! YOU NEED A WOODEN STAKE TO DO THAT! CROW: ...wait, why are Hal and Melanie just *carrying* rope and masking tape around? And where were they carrying it? TOM: [mumbling] Time to call Dr. Kevorkian... > Al > knew what he had to do. CROW: Write to Penthouse to say that he'd never believed their letters...until NOW! > RUN. MIKE: See Al be an idiot. See Layla be an ass. See Layla try to kill Al. Run, Al, Run! > He pushed past them and flew through the house > and out the door. He heard them running after him. He ran through the garden, > through the gate out into tha country dirt road and into the woods. CROW: o/~ Over the river and through the woods, fleeing from death we go! o/~ TOM: o/~ And I ran...I ran so far away...and I ran...I ran so far awayy... couldn't get away... o/~ CROW: Forget me attracting bats, Servo... now we've got a flock of seagulls. > He ran > until he collasped from exaustion. He looked behind him. No sign of anyone. TOM: [Al] I think I'm alone now. There doesn't seem to be anyone around...aw geez, I'm undead, my heart doesn't beat _anyway_. > He got up and pushed his way through the brush and trees. He couldn't believe > that Hal and Melanie could turn on him so fast like that. But he was guilty > after all. CROW: [Johnny Cochrane] If the girl is dry, the vamp must fry! > They looked like they didn't want to do it. But Layla, Al saw glee > and evilness in her eyes, both in the dream and reality. If he didn't keep > moving they would catch him and tie him to a chair. MIKE: [Al] No...not the comfy chair! Next it'll be the Soft Pillows, I know it!! > What would they do to him? TOM: [Al] They might force me to listen to N'Sync! Which would give me wonderful ideas for song parodies but _still_ suck! MIKE: Then they'd force him to read this fanfic! CROW: One more time, for old times sake, Tom... CROW & TOM: TOR-CHA! > No matter what they would do he would still die. Not soon, but in a long > time. Days, weeks, maybe even months before they'd put him out of his misery. > He kept going. *If they want to find me, they're going to have to chase me. I' > m not stopping. They won't miss me. But I will miss them. God, what did I do > to deserve this?* MIKE: "Living With A Hernia" ring any bells, Al? TOM: [Al] I mean, sure, not *everyone* loved UHF, but sheesh! If UHF was bad enough karma for this, why is Scott Baio still alive? > He pushed on. > ***************************************************** CROW: Through the driving snow. TOM: And so the Most Dangerous Game began. > Here ya go! Hmm, wonder what's going to happen next? MIKE: It's really a prank and they eat Hostess Snowballs? CROW: Al will run. Then he will stop. He will angst. Then he will run some more. Then run even more. Then run a little more. Then keep running. Then he will stop. And then he will angst. And then he will run again. And then... MIKE: Is Crow processing an infinite loop? TOM: Nope, he's just in recap mode. Give him a good thump, Mike. > ******************************************************** > Chapter 10: ?AM > > Al looked up at the sky. It was daylight already and he had not stopped. He > figured he was far enough so he sat down. "Well, now what?" he asked himself. TOM: Since it's daylight, I'd guess "burst into flames?" MIKE: [Al] What are my options? Hmm...I could die...I could get tied to a chair and then die... > "Okay. I'm in the middle of nowhere, being chased by three people hell-bent > on killing me, I killed a minor, I'm hundred of miles frome home, my family > and friends must be really worried, and I have to wait until tonight to eat... > ......THIS SUCKS!!" CROW: Fox Family presents: "The Whiniest Vampire." TOM: [Al] Oh, and I'm a vampire, but that's pretty minor. > He stretched out on the forest floor watching the birds fly overhead. CROW: [Bird] And, poop, gentlemen! Bombs away! > They > looked like miniature vultures. He fell asleep. CROW: INTENSE...NAP TAKING...ACTION!!! MIKE: He's running, he's running, he...goes to sleep. > Hal searched the mansion's grounds. He hoped he couldn't find Al. He didn't > want anything bad to happen to him. It wasn't his fault. Layla never told him > and she _KNEW_ he was going to violate a law! TOM: Umm...Didn't you guys already violate a law or two when you offed those people in the park? MIKE: Now now, honey. Now's not the time to bring logic into this. > Hal felt angry. *Al's not the > traitor, LAYLA is!!* Hal rushed around the side of the house and burst into > the living room. TOM: [Hal] Great Guardians! You fiends have deceived my friend! > He found Layla comforting Melanie > "...We can't kill him Layla! It's not his fault, you never told him!" CROW: [Layla] Yes, but remember, I'm evil, so you have to trust my judgement! MIKE: [Melanie] You're right. I'm so sorry. Of course we must kill the victim you have deceived. TOM: So, even the freaking VAMPIRES agree it's stupid. What is this, like vampire prohibition or something? > Layla: "He still has to be punished regardless of what he knew and what he > didn't know. It's the law." MIKE: And being vampires, it's their responsibility to help take a bite out of crime! CROW: Is it against the law to switch from prose to script? "I hope not," Tom replied. > Melanie: "No, you set this up. I know you and your tricks, you did it before! > " TOM: [Melanie] Like the time you told all those daytraders dotcom's were a safe investment! > Layla never answered that. So Hal thought that he should intrude. "Yeah, it' > s true. Layla you set this up. We're not killing Al, no matter what you say." TOM: [Hal] So THERE. Nyaaaaaaaa! > he smiled sarcastically. Layla walked in front of Hal. "So what?" she smiled > back and then she turned on her heels and ran out the door with her dagger. > Hal turned to Melanie. "What is she doing?" Melanie picked up a gun and > handed it to Hal. CROW: No, Melanie, that's for WEREWOLVES, she's a VAMPIRE! > She then picked up another dagger. "She's going to find Al. > Come on, we need to get to him first." And with that the two ran after Layla. CROW: Wow, more INTENSE RUNNING ACTION! What will this fic come up with next? TOM: Okay, I'm asking for the record: [Deep breath] WHAT THE SAM SCRATCH JUST HAPPENED THERE?!? MIKE: It's like somebody ran through the story and yanked out all the exposition! > Al opened his eyes. The sun was directly over head. TOM: He was disintegrated instantly. The end. > Noon. He rolled over and > got to his knees. CROW: ...only to discover that they'd turned to *dust*... > "Damn. I wish I had a watch." TOM: ...said his ashes... > He stood up and started to > walk. "I have no idea where I'm going. I'm talking to myself. Oh joy." CROW: [Al] And why do I seem to be smoldering? MIKE: Give it up, guys, you should know better by now. > He > continued to walk. He was starving and he felt a little weak, TOM: [Getting frustrated] But...didn't he just eat that kid?!? CROW: Hard to tell. The way this story's going, she could be the one chasing him. MIKE: Smile and nod, Servo. It's easier that way. > but at least he > was rested and well enough to run if he had to. He suddenly heard voices and > froze. *I hope I'm just hearing things.* He looked around. TOM: Maybe he hears the neighbor's dog giving him orders. > The noises were > coming closer. "Melanie, if she finds him first she'll kill him? I hope we > find him soon." Al knew that voice. Hal! Al walked towards the noise and > stopped. *It might be a trap.* MIKE: A trap warning you that someone's trying to kill you? > Melanie burst through the bushes in front of > him. "Al!" Al backed up. "Whoa!" She bear-hugged him. CROW: Oh no, now she's Ivanushka! > Hal came up behind her. > "We need to find a hiding place for you Al. Layla set you up. If she finds you, > you're dead...or as good as. Walk that way." TOM: o/~She told me to WALK THIS WAY! WALK THIS WAY!o/~ CROW: [attempts to imitate the sound of a guitar] > He pointed west. The talk > show host, the vampire, and the accordionist MIKE: This fall on ABC! CROW: A talk show host, a vampire, and an accordionist walk into a bar... TOM: Okay, now that we know what happened to these three characters, what about our original cast? CROW: Shouldn't they encounter a cowardly lion now? > walked into the afternoon sun. TOM: And turned into ashes. MIKE: Tom... TOM: But Miiiiiiike, I want it so *baaaaaaad*... > Layla stumbled throught the plants and trees. She had no clue where to look, > but all she knew is that she could smell him. She smelled him and two others. MIKE: [Layla] PEEEEEE-YEEEEW! They really need to shower! > She was getting close. MIKE: Shatner narration continued. TOM: Smells continued. CROW: Through the day. > Melanie and Hal won't spoil her plans. Al will die TOM: Again... > and Hal will die, CROW: Again... > Melanie can't die because she was being forgiven and she was > Layla's sister. MIKE: Why is she so obsessed with killing them? CROW: Maybe she's a fan of Greg Kinnear? TOM: Is it me or does everyone here basically have a binary switch on their sense of right and wrong? Unga, this good! Unga, that bad! Unga, fire baaaad! > Layla parted some plants in front of her. She finally spotted > them. The two were supporting Al and walking. CROW: So this is Vampos: The Walk of Fate. > Al looked weak and sickly. MIKE: [Al] Must...parody...Britney Spears...before...I die... > *Good. He should be easy to kill. Won't put up much of a fight; I was right, > the eating rule I was not lying about!* TOM: I was right, the eating rule I was not lying about! Things are the truth that I said! CROW: You know, I was always under the impression that vampires only lived by one rule: Don't get caught. > She hid in the plants and followed. MIKE: With all those Japanese soldiers and draft-dodgers in there, it must be crowded. > They finally came to an old barn that looked like it hasn't been used in > years. They forced the door open and ran inside, locking it behind them. MIKE: Oh, never mind, Richard Kimble's in there. TOM: [Hal] Wait a minute...can't Layla just bust through the door? CROW: [Melanie] D'oh! MIKE: Note to self: Vampirism makes you wimpy and stupid... > Layla snickered and waited. > Inside, Hal and Melanie found a pile of hay for Al to lay on and they > blocked the door with shovels, rakes and other tools of that nature. TOM: Unfortunately, the barn doors opened outwards. > Al closed his eyes again. CROW: Hal immediately picked up a chainsaw and revved it up. 'Sucker', he said, as he advanced on Al... > ****************************************************** CROW: [Christian] STAR SHOWER! > > > Dum dum DUM!!!! MIKE: Add a "b" and that's how I feel about this story. > Tune in tomorrow when Sailor Jamie says: "Ayane Mitsui! You > suck!" CROW: So, now that I know how to say "You suck!" in Japanese, how do I say "Jump up my butt?" > ^_^ > > ******************************************************** > Chapter 11!! MIKE: We're going bankrupt! Everything must go go go!!! > Melanie looked at the hole in the roof. MIKE: [Melanie] Gee, I sure hope Layla doesn't scale the barn and descend from the hole in the roof. > Lighting streaked across the sky. TOM: Ah, creative bankruptcy. CROW: It was immediatly arrested for indecent exposure. > The rain trickled down from the hole. MIKE: It was a dark and stormy indeterminate time period... > "Wow, it's really rough out there. I > wonder if Layla's okay." Hal was sitting on a hay bale. "Who cares? If she > finds us we're all dead." Melanie nodded and looked over at Al. He was out > cold. "How is he?" Hal walked over and felt his forehead. "He's not cold and > he's still breathing. CROW: Um, for a vampire, shouldn't that be a BAD THING??? > He's fine I think." Al stirred. "He's still unconscious. > " Melanie felt bad. "If he doesn't feed he'll get worse. And if we don't feed > soon, we'll be like him!" MIKE: You'll be curly haired, wear Hawaiin shirts, play the accordion and have tons of fans? What a mixed bag... > Hal nodded in agreement. "We can't do anything > about it though. MIKE: The little hamster in the writer's head needed a rest. > Until we find someway to deal with Layla." They looked at Al > again. He looked like he was having a bad dream. MIKE: [Al] No mommy...not the cod liver oil and cotton swabs...I'll be a good boy, mommy... TOM: Boy, wouldn't it be nice if we knew what was wrong with Al, or what "law" he broke, or why three of them can't take one of Layla or...or...ANYTHING!!! [Bursts into tears] MIKE: Fic's really doing an number on his logic circuits, isn't it? CROW: I'm not doing too good myself. MIKE: Just hang in there. [To Tom] Hold on, Tom. It's almost over. TOM: [Still sobbing] It...just...doesn't...make [sob] sense! > They were right. He WAS having a bad dream. Al was walking down a long > hallway. At the end of the hallway was a door. He kept walking and he was > only a few feet away when it flew open. TOM: [Al] Oh crap! The final exam is today and I've never been to the class! > In the doorway stood Melanie and > Layla. Layla had a dagger at Melanie's throat and was laughing. "What are you > going to do about it Al? Will you die for her?" Melanie struggled. "Al, don't > give in! Get out of here!" she cried. To Al's horror Layla slashed at Melanie' > s throat. Al woke up with a yelp. "Melanie!" He looked around and realized > where he was. CROW: [Al] Pee-Wee's Playhouse? How'd I get here?! > Melanie ran over to him. "What? What's wrong?" she asked grabbing his > shoulders. CROW: [Al] I'm in a bad fanfic and stuff's happening to me with no rhyme or reason! > He shook his head. "Nothing...it's nothing. I hope." Hal walked > over to the door. "I think somethings up you guys." There was complete > silence. Al shivered. "Hal, get away from the door. Now!" Hal turned around > and looked at Al. "What...?" The door flew open and Layla flew in. CROW: Layla is Storm in "X-Men 2: Vampire Massacre"! TOM: Suddenly! Unexpectedly! Walking was replaced by flying as the de facto unit of movement in the story! Invest now! > "You three > couldn't hide from me! How cliche, hiding in a barn!" MIKE: Rule One: Never let your characters reveal your shortcomings, author. > She pushed passed > Melanie and Hal and stooped over and grabbed Al by the collar. CROW: [Hal] Think we should, like, stop her or something? TOM: [Melanie] Nah, he'll be just fine. > She lifted him > up until they were face to face. "Well, looks like this won't be hard." She > hurled him against the far wall across the barn. His head and back smashed > into it and he fell on his stomach. He slowly got to his hands and knees. " > Layla, that was so small of you. I could do better than that!" He got up and > lunged towards Layla and smashed her against the other wall. BOTS: EXTREEEEME PING-PONG! > "Is that all Al?" > She pushed him into the middle of the barn. TOM: So they're basically trying to push each other to death? MIKE: [sighs] Oh, for the minimalist splendor of a Ratliff fight scene... > Melanie and Hal ran over to him. TOM: This is one weird barn-raising. > "Al, are you alright?" Al nodded and stood up. "Yeah. I think." He suddenly > faltered. Hal caught Al while Melanie confronted Layla. "He hasn't eaten and > he is weak. You can't just kill a weak vampire Layla, it's the rules! ALL: *WHAT RULES?!?* CROW: So, it's against the rules to eat underage people, it's against the rules to kill a weakened foe...what the hell IS allowed by the damn rules?! > Look, > we're all starving so lets stop this and go feed." TOM: [Melanie] Let's talk about who Al killed after we eat somebody! > Layla just smirked and > Melanie and Hal was suddenly slammed and suspended against a wall. MIKE: And now she's an Esper. TOM: I'm just waiting for Layla to start denying that she's Akira. > The > stuggled against the invisble force and fell to the floor. CROW: Darth Vader's hiding outside, using the Force on them. > Layla smiled at > them. "Don't interfere sister." Meanwhile, Al was on his feet again. "Well, > if you're callous enough to hurt your own sister, you deserve to die more > than I do. CROW: Um... She kinda didn't hurt her, Al. MIKE: Geez! Even his indignant speechmaking is wimpy! > After all, I have a good guess why you never loved anyone. Because > no one ever loved you. You know why? Because you're an evil, disgusting, vile, > annoying creature whom everyone would like to avoid!" CROW: [Al] And your mom dresses you funny! MIKE: [Al] You're not Layla, you're Linda Tripp! > With that Layla lunged > at Al with the dagger. "Shut up!" She caught Al by the throat and held the > dagger there. "What do you have to say now?" Al smiled. "Invest in some > deodorant." MIKE: I think that was supposed to make us sad... TOM: [starts to sob] CROW: And some lip-wax! It looks like a forest up there! > He laughed and she threw him down as hard as a vampire could to > the ground. The force was so strong that it made the barn shake. MIKE: He hit the ground, shaking the barn which has no floor... explain it to me! I missed the boat! > He let out a > cry of pain. He couldn't get up. "Ow! That smarts!" It felt like an 800 pound > man was sitting on his back. CROW: [Layla] Oh, but there is! That's one of my powers, too! > Melanie screamed. "Al get up! Watch out!" Al > pushed some of his own energy and rolled over and thrust it at Layla. She > flew backwards. MIKE: [Al] If we could do that kinetic crap all along, why didn't you guys help me out? TOM: [Hal] 'Cause we're weenies? MIKE: [Al] Oh, yeah. Forgot. > Al got up and walked towards her. "Sucks doesn't it?" She > didn't get up. "Well?" He kicked her lightly. "Layla? Come on." He turned > back to Melanie. > "I think she's unconscious." Melanie's eyes widened. "Al behind..." Too late. > Layla wrapped her arm around his throat and plunged the dagger into his > lower back. She twisted it around and laughed. CROW: Et tu, Layla? > He let out a cry and relaxed > in her arms. She let him slip to the ground. He didn't move at all. *It's a > trick. He's not dead I can see him breathe. MIKE: He's a VAMPIRE! Of COURSE he's dead! She's just trying to make him MORE dead! Argh... CROW: Stop breathing, damn you! You're a horrible twisted being of the undead, dammit!! > Good, Layla isn't noticing.* > Melanie thought. TOM: [Melanie] Doh! I forgot she can read minds! > She played along and made some false tears. "Layla...how > could you?" Layla just laughed. Hal looked behind Layla at Al. Hal understood > what Al was up to. He watched Al grimace and slowly get on his feet. He > hobbled over to Layla and grabbed her arm and plunged her own dagger into the > surprised vampire's chest. CROW: [Al] Here, you forgot this. > > > ********************************************************* > > > HHMM?? TOM: I wonder what HHMM stands for. MIKE: It's a Crash Test Dummies song, isn't it? > Stay tune tomorrow!!~ CROW: But I was never "tune!" TOM: I've got a tune for you. o/~Do so la de DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!o/~ MIKE: Time to split, guys... [M&TB exit the theater] [1...2...3...4...5...6] [The bridge, although only the top of a tent is visible. The voice of Mike calls for Cambot to come closer. The good little robot obliges, moving around the room until Mike, Crow, and Tom are clearly in view, seated around a circle of stones with some logs at the center.] CROW: Wow, Mike, this was SUCH a great idea! Camping on the Satellite of Love! MIKE: Hey, if they can camp in the middle of L.A., then we can camp on a satellite. TOM: Amen, Nelson. Now, let's get that fire going! [looking towards a pile of sticks] I can already almost taste those marshmallows! MIKE: Sure thing. [Mike lights a match and drops it onto the logs. Nothing happens.] CROW: Wow, who'd have ever thought? Camping in space...I mean, Pearl shouldn't be the only one to get to have a camp-out. Try again, Mike. MIKE: This is weird...[lights another match and tosses it into the pit, again with no result.] TOM: [picks up a ukelele] I just can't wait to sing the campfire songs. I mean, I worked SO hard to learn how to sing them...of course, we can't really DO that until you light that fire, Mike! MIKE: Huh...this is harder to light than I thought. [Mike grabs some newspaper, lights it, then tosses it into the pit. STILL nothing happens.] CROW: Yea, and I know a GREAT ghost story about a man with a HOOK for a nose! But...well, it's not that spooky without the flames dancing around, you know. MIKE: Okay, guys, I've got an idea...I'll be right back. [Mike walks o.s. Sounds of rummaging are heard.] TOM: [strumming on the ukelele] Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya... CROW: Hey, maybe we should ask Mike if we can have Ram Chip S'mores! TOM: Yea, cool! Didja hear that Mike?! MIKE: [o.s.] Sure, right after I find the...OUCH! [the sound of Mike banging into something is heard, along with other crashing sounds] CROW: Okay then...gee, I wonder what's taking so long? We can't roast marshmallows without a fire, we can't sing songs without a fire...I mean, how can we really be "camping" if we don't have a corresponding camp FIRE? TOM: Yea...without the fire, we're just a bunch of stupid guys sitting in front of a tent! Where's the excitement in that? [Mike returns, holding a large can of gasoline] MIKE: There we go, this should do it. [Mike liberally pours gasoline onto the logs.] CROW: Uh, hey, Mike? You sure this is a good idea? TOM: Yea, you remember the baking soda bomb, right? The one that destroyed the whole planet? MIKE: Hey, don't worry, I'll never make that mistake again...as you can see, this is CLEARLY not baking soda. [The can runs out of gasoline. Mike tosses it to the side and sits down.] MIKE: Okay, now for the real test...[lights a match and drops it into the fire] [The trio looks down into the pit, expectantly. Nothing seems to happen for a few seconds, then, of course, a gigantic explosion takes place, which everyone except Mike probably saw coming long ago. The smoke clears, revealing the charred Mike, Tom, and Crow.] MIKE: [cough] Note to self-never, ever trust gasoline again. TOM: [hack] Note to self-never trust Nelson again. CROW: [hacack] Note to self-Camping is extremely dangerous, resulting in either exsanguation by a vampire or a horrendous explosion. [After a moment of coughing, the fanfic signs go off.] MIKE: There's fanfic sign...come on guys, let's get cleaned up before we get back in... TOM: [starts sobbing] But, but...I wanted s'mores! Whaaaaaa! [6...5...4...3...2...1] [M&TB, now perfectly cleaned up, re-enter the theater and take their seats] TOM: [still sobbing] MIKE: There, there, don't worry, we'll try to make some over the stove later, okay? TOM: [sniffle] Okay... > > > Chapter 12: Supplies! ALL: [weak laugh] MIKE: Is it really a good time to go school-shopping? > > > Layla sputtered and stumbled backwards. She looked at the dagger protruding > from her chest and looked at Al. TOM: [Layla] Is this a dagger I see in me? MIKE & CROW: *GROAN!* TOM: Well, someone had to say it! > Al smirked and walked over beside Melanie. " > Doesn't feel too good now does it Layla?" CROW: Ah, yes, Weird Al, whose wit is as sharp as his blade. > Al laughed. He held his back and > yanked the dagger out of Layla's chest. TOM: So, if she _really_ wanted to kill Al, shouldn't she have brought a stake or some holy water? MIKE: Let's not forget that we're dealing with extremely stupid vampires here. We should be thankful she went for something more sophisticated than a big rock. TOM: True... > She snarled and grabbed him by the > throat, hefted him up and threw him again. He landed on his back in some hey. ALL: HEY! CROW: Amazing...an exclaimation cushioned his fall! TOM: o/~Hey you, what do you see, it's nothing beautiful, it's not that free!o/~ CROW: That was a real stretch, Tom. TOM: Oh yeah, Mr. "Et tu, Layla?" > He rolled over but he didn't get up. She instantly ran over to him and kicked > him in the stomach. "Get up. You're too weak aren't you? Looks like I win > again! I look foward to this when someone gets in my way, I get to set them > up and knock them down like pins at a bowling alley. It's so fun!" TOM: Are we sure this was written in English? It's definitely got a dubbed feel to it. MIKE: All your vampires are belong to us! > she > cackled. Al didn't reply. He just laid there with his eyes closed. "Al? Come > on and get up you weakling! Fight me, damm you!" CROW: [Al] Can't you see I'm trying to come up with a bowling-related comeback? > she kicked him again. He > wasn't moving at all. "COME ON!!" She kicked him as hard as she could. TOM: [Layla] If you die, I'll kill you! CROW: Wow, Al's dreaded 'lie there like I got tossed into hey by a superhumanly powerful woman and kicked many times painfully' technique is working! Watch out, Layla! > he was > unconscious. Melanie spoke up. "Layla leave him alone. He's almost dead > already, you can stop now." MIKE: Hey, maybe the law only requires them to make Al *mostly* dead instead of all dead! TOM: ARRGH! He's a VAMPIRE, Mike! He's a VAMPIRE! What part of un*DEAD* aren't you people GETTING? > Layla ignored her and continued to kick him. CROW: [Layla] Hey, there's no candy in this pinata! > When > she went to kick him a final time his hand shot up and twisted her leg. She > fell on her back. Al got up and laughed. He suddenly doubled over. "Oh!" Hal > rushed over to his side. Al, what's wrong?" TOM: [Al] Gee, I don't know, I just got BITCH-KICKED within an INCH of my LIFE! MIKE: Calm down, now, Tom... > Al started to shake. "I'm > starving!" > ************************************************** > Hide the children! > ************************************************** CROW: Thanks for the sign, fanfic! MIKE: Oh my GOD!!! ASTERICK STAMPEDE!!! RUUUUN!!! TOM: Women and children first! Man the lifeboats! The dividers are coming! > He pushed Hal out of the way and attacked Layla. He lifted her head and tore > at her throat with his fangs. TOM: [Al] Mmm, tastes like chicken! > She screamed only once and very briefly, then > she died. ALL: AGAIN! TOM: [Yerko] SEE YOU IN HELL, YOU BASTARDS! > He lifted his head up. He released her and stood up to face Hal and > Melanie. He suddenly realized what he had done and looked at Hal. "Hal? What.. > .did...I just do?" CROW: [Al] I'm...a horrible...scary...monster! Turning into...Tor...Johnson. Time for... go...to...bed... > Melanie started to whimper. MIKE: [Melanie] You killed my homocidal sister, you beast! > ****************************************************** > > See, I told you Al would kill her! Tune in tomorrow! > > Get your kleenex out... the next two are really sad. MIKE: [speaking under his breath, slowly getting louder until he's shouting] Yes, we should get some Kleenex out, roll a few up into little balls and stuff them in our eyes so we NEVER have to read this fanfic again! CROW: Whoa, chill Mike...there can't be much left now. > ******************************************************* > Hal stared at Al in horror. CROW: [Hal] You didn't leave any for us! > "How could you?" CROW: [Al] A) Because that's what vampires do! B) Because she was stabbing, kicking, beating, and throwing me around! And C) Because you wouldn't get off your bloodsucking butts and help me! MIKE: Whoopie...looks like we're back to 'tie up my best friend' Hal! TOM: It's the Amazing Bi-Polar Vampire Legion! Coming soon to a comic store near you! > Al looked down at her body. "It > was an involuntary reaction? She tried to kill me anyway, so why are you > complaining? She would have killed you too! Besides I was really hungry > anyway, if I didn't have anything sood I would have died!" Al replied. MIKE: Ah, yes, the answer to all your food troubles: murder a woman. > Hal > suddenly felt strange. He started to pass out. Al walked over to him. "Hal, > what's wrong? Are you okay?" Hal didn't reply. He fell to the floor. It was > like a dream. Al backed away. "Hal, you're not as pale anymore. You're not a > vampire!" Al smiled. CROW: There goes Greg Kinnear's comeback plan. MIKE: Unfortunately, since all the other vampires here are starving, Hal has the life expectancy of a gram of Californium... > Melanie just smile through her tears. "Congradulations Hal. At least one of > us made it." She started to sob again and Al went over to comfort her. Hal > nodded and looked oveer at what once was Layla. CROW: But was now an attractive dinette set with mother-of-pearl inlay! It can be yours...if the price is right! > "I wish I could have told her > I loved her..." he walked out of the barn. CROW: [Hal] She was going to mercilessly kill my best friend, but those eyes! Those lips! Those less G-rated parts! > "Hal..." Al started, but Melanie stopped him. "Let him go. He needs some > time alone. Besides, we need to talk" CROW: [Melanie] I've been seeing Ray Stevens behind your back. TOM: [Melanie] We need to think about...our relationship. CROW: [Al] Can we please do this when I'm not beaten up by my best friend's girlfriend, who I just killed? TOM: [Melanie] ...men. > Hal walked around the barn thining to himself. *Well, I'm free, what baout > Al and Melanie? In order for Al to be normal again, Melnaie has to die. That' > s not good. But Melanie would be out of her misery...* CROW: This is like that whole deal with the chicken and the egg... > his thoughts trailed > on. He looked through the crack in the wall at the couple. TOM: ANOTHER remake of Psycho? > They were in a > serious conversation. Al had a look of sadness on his face matching Melanie's. > Al shook his head and Hal tried to lean in to catch the conversation. CROW: [Hal] This is *so* an E! True Hollywood Special in the making. > He > couldn't hear them. But what he was about to see was all he needed to know. > Melanie was crying again and Al looked sick. How was that possible? MIKE: Layla ate some bad Mexican food before she attacked. TOM: You sure? She probably just ate a bad Mexican. > Hal didn' > t know. Al hugged her and said something. Melanie buried her head in his > chest and sobbed a little harder. CROW: Must have told her she had huge thighs. > She then went to the farside of the barn > where Hal was laying a few minutes ago. She picked up the revolver Hal had > and walked over to Al with it. She said somehthing and handed it to Al. Al > shook his head and said something, MIKE: [Al] Why the hell didn't you use this thing while Layla was using me as a football? > and Melanie went over and grabbed a huge > blade off of the wall. MIKE: Are they on an old _Friday the 13th_ set? > She said something and then Al yelled her name. TOM: [Melanie] Still not melodramatic enough? Hmm...jagged edge of a broken record? Nah, been done... > Hal > looked away. > ************************************************** > Hold on, next chapter coming up MIKE: Along with this morning's breakfast. > Chapter 14: Al's Freedom CROW: I can only imagine that the writer prepared herself for this epic by listening to a lot of Weird Al. Specifically, "Dare To Be Stupid". > > "You think Hal's gonna be okay?" Al asked. Melanie thought a minute. "I hope > so." > Silence. "Melanie, what are we going to do now?" > "Well, you're going to have to go away. You need to live your life. > Unfortunately it would have to be without me." Melanie said. That struck Al. " > What do you mean?" he asked shakily. MIKE: This being a new chapter, Al's brain is required to reset to a 'clueless' state... > Melanie turned her head away from him. > "Al...I'm going to free you." MIKE: [Melanie] I'm issuing an Al-mancipation Proclamation! > Al started to panic. He grabbed her shoulders. " > No Melanie, you don't have to! I'll get used to it, it'll get better!" TOM: [Melanie] That only works for being turned into newts, Al... MIKE: [Al] We'll get bloodsucker's counseling! I hear Nosferatu's a really good motivator! CROW: [Al] See? I like killing! Yay! Whee! Whee! Blah blah blah! Cloaks? I can pull them off easily! Widow's peaks? Always wanted one! Let's see Christopher Lee's stylist right now! > he > begged. She shook her head and buried her face in his chest. "I wish I could > stay with you, but this is not a life you want to live. I lived with this for > three hundred years. It's hell, it's sick. I need to let you go." TOM: And we have Plot Hole #230,947: If vampirism was such hell for her, why'd she fang Al in the first place? CROW: There's a plot? > Al shook > his head. "No, I'm not going to let you." She shook her head and went over to > where Hal was laying. MIKE: Hey, I thought Hal was still outside! ARGH! [MIKE covers his eyes] TOM: Think of it as one of those movie series. You know, they didn't have the money to afford a continuity director, so everything tends to get all jumbled up when they do the next chapter? > She picked up a small handgun and walked towards Al > with it. MIKE: [Melanie] Look, funny boy! One of us dies here, and I really don't care who right now! > "You have to make a decision here, kill me...or yourself. Right > through the chest should do it." She handed it to him. "No Melanie. I'm not > doing either. I can't." he said. CROW: [Al] Not when Michael Jackson's about to make a comeback! > He looked at the gun and shuddered. *Stanley > had a gun like this...* CROW: [Al] I have to kill you another way. Stanley wouldn't understand. TOM: [Al] And I shot him through the chest with it too. Oh how I miss those wild, reckless days... CROW: o/~Trigger-happy, trigger-happy every day!o/~ > Melanie walked over to the wall and grabbed a huge > blade off of it. CROW: Why did they have Wesley Snipes up on the wall? MIKE: [Al] Typical. Girl pins me down, kisses me, bites my neck, tries to kill me, then runs off with some claymore from Poughkeepsie... > "Al, I'm sorry you met me, but don't forget me. I love you." > Al knew what was going to happen. He couldn't stop it, but her knew. "MELANIE > NO!" She rammed the blade through her heart. TOM: How do you ram a massive two-handed sword through your heart without dislocating your shoulders? Was it a boomerang sword? CROW: She made her Potence check, and *how!* > She sputtered a little and > stared at Al. Blood seeped through her pale lips and she fell to the ground. > Al just stood there. *Not again. This is not fair!* MIKE: Oh, the tragedy! Oh, the emotions I'm struggling to contain...at the fact that I just dropped a Sno-Cap! > He heard the barn door > swing open. It was Hal. MIKE: [Hal] Hey guys, I just found a cure for vampirism...oh, nevermind. > Al kept his back turned towards the door, statring at > Melanie. "Al, are you alright?" Al didn't answer. He walked over to the > fallen Melanie. He knelt down and grabbed the blade through her chest...and > pushed it all the way through. "I love you too." MIKE: [Al] My little vamp-kabob! TOM: [Al] Roast in hell, my darling. CROW: Was that some weird phallic symbolism I missed? > He got up and walked towards > Hal. "Shall we go home now?" Hal stared at Al in awe. CROW: [Hal] You like...*totally* stabbed the hell out of her. You are, like, my *god*. > Al pushed passed him > and walked out the door. > CROW: And he walks off into the sunset. Assuming the barn door faces west, and this takes place during a short window of about an hour between day and night. > ~~~~~~~~~~~Three Months Later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CROW: [Hal] Al, I'm pregnant. MIKE: [Al] I'M LOST! > Al listened to the rain outside of his window. The bed was warm and the > house was quiet as always. It was a long day at the recording studio and it > flet nice to lay down. TOM: o/~I flet good! *dun dun dun naaah* I knew that I would now!o/~ > The wind fluttered the curtain and he felt a little > cold all of the sudden. He sat up and walked to his window and looked out. He > couldn't shake the feeling like someone was watching him. Mike: [Al] The hell, is that a telescope pointed at me? > He turned around > and gasped. Melanie stood there in her black dress, the one she wore when > they first met on the beach. TOM: Wait, when did THAT happen?! CROW: Don't...just don't! Just keep moving, there can't be much left, if we keep our logic turned off just a LITTLE longer... > She walked towards him. "I miss you." She put > her arms around his neck and kissed him. "I missed you too Melanie." She > backed away. Her face contorted and she turned into Layla. CROW: It's gonna be a dream. Oh, author, you are *so* getting hurt. > She screamed like > she did when Al ripped her throat. > > Al woke up with a start and the scream in his ear. MIKE: That's what you get for listening to Cannibal Corpse before going to bed. > He looked out at the > window. "Why did you have to leave me Melanie?" MIKE: [Al] We had so many innocent people left to kill... CROW: [Melanie's spirit] 'Cause I preffered death to eternity with you! > The wind just fluttered > the curtain. MIKE: The curtain is fluttering? Why, is a '40s sex scene taking place on Al's bed? CROW: Jamie seems to have a curtain fetish. TOM: Didn't need to know that, Crow. > *************************************************** TOM: Please remember never to fall in love with albinos: they'll turn out to be vampires and break your heart. CROW: Let's blow. MIKE: I'm with you... [M&TB exit the theater] [1...2...3...4...5...6] [On the bridge, Mike, Tom, and Crow are seating around the bridge, playing what appears to be Monopoly. Mike rolls the dice.] MIKE: Okay...7. [He starts to move his piece when Crow cuts in.] CROW: Ahem! MIKE: What? CROW: You got a 7. That means that you must pay Crow $500 or go directly to jail! MIKE: What? CROW: It's the rules, Mike! Pay up. MIKE: [grumbles] Okay, okay, fine...[he moves his piece ahead]. All right, I landed on the Anne Rice Railroad! I think I'll buy that... CROW: No can do, Mike. MIKE: What? Why? CROW: It's the RULES, Mike! The Anne Rice Railroad belongs to the player with the longest head net. And seeing as how I clearly have the longest head net, that means it's mine. TOM: Crow, that's what you said about Transylvania Avenue! MIKE: Besides, you're the only player that HAS a head net! CROW: Hey, rules are rules, guys. Okay Mike, since I own the Anne Rice Railroad, you owe me $200 plus a transportation fee of $100 dollars. [Mike grumbles and hands Crow the money] CROW: Goodie, my turn! [He rolls the dice.] All right, I got a 4! That means that all players owe me $400! MIKE: You know, Crow, I think that this Vampire Edition Monopoly is just a LITTLE bit biased towards you... TOM: I've got to agree. I mean, we keep having to pay you to move, all the Chance Cards say things like "Turn all Property over to the player with the most gold paint," ...you're just making this up as you go along! CROW: I am NOT! Look, if you guys don't know the rules in advance, that's your fault! MIKE: [sighs] Let's see how Motown is doing down there... [Castle Forrester] PEARL: Well, I hope you enjoyed today's experiment. Didn't it renew your sense of hope for the future? I thought so! And now, I'm only minutes away from starting the first recording session for...Forrester Records! As soon as the album goes out, we can begin the recruitment! YES! I can hardly wait! [Bobo's voice is heard getting louder as he approaches] PEARL: Oh, he's back! They're signed! Come on, Brain Guy, get that equipment working! OBSERVER: Testing, one, two, three...o/~ I want to be your SLEDGEHAMMER! o/~ Mics are working. [Bobo enters, though the boy band is noticeably absent] BOBO: Oh yes, what a good lunch! That Bernie, what a cook! Oh, Lawgiver, you have GOT to try the rutabega surprise next time you go there... PEARL: [upset] Bobo, where's the band?! BOBO: Band? Oh yea, the boys...well, I remember this guy in a suit coming up to our table and I gave him a demonstration, so [starts to laugh] while they were talking, I took off and left THEM to pay the bill! [laughs hysterically] PEARL: But did you have them sign their contracts?! BOBO: [stops laughing] Huh? [looks up in thought] Oh yea, I knew I forgot to do something... PEARL: Well, hurry up and get back there so they do sign them, before... [The sound of a cellular phone ringing is heard. Bobo reaches into his jacket and pulls out the phone, placing it up to his ear.] BOBO: Professor Bobo of Forrester Records! [nods, listening for a few moments, letting out the occaisonal "Uh huh" and "I see."] Well, sorry to hear that boys...goodbye! [he turns the phone off.] They just signed on with some other agent...Lou Pearlman or some nobody like that. Shame, really... [PEARL is clearly too upset to speak. OBSERVER, in shock, drops the microphone.] BOBO: Oh, but don't worry! I found someone on the way! Hey, come on in, Frankie! [In walks a rather ragged old man with messy brown hair and a scraggly beard. His clothes are practically decaying, and he clutches a beat-up old accordion. Pearl takes one whiff of the air as he approaches, gags, and pinches her nose closed.] FRANKIE: Hey, you that rekerd com-po-nay lady? I'm Frankie, tha one-man band! [He begins to play the worst rendition of "Lady of Spain" imaginable, as the dying instrument issues forth nothing but sour noises. Frankie begins to sing hideously off key. Pearl moves to cover her ears, but quickly covers her nose again, then puts one hand over her ear to try and block some of the sound. Observer is apparently having the same dilemma. Bobo, however, is swaying back and forth and clearly enjoying the music. Finally, a frustrated Pearl grabs the accordion from a surprised Frankie and hits him over the head with it. He hits the ground, and Pearl smacks Bobo too. Observer looks on, slightly scared that Pearl might clobber him too while she's in a hitting mood. Instead, she throws the accordion to the ground and stomps off.] [FADE OUT] =========================================================================== This fanfic was MSTed with the permission of it's original author, Jamie herself. She is a great fan of MST3k and was very gracious to allow us to have at her story knowing full well the treatment it would get. Thanks! A great thanks must go to the people who helped with the riffing. I couldn't handle it myself, so I let it go to these many incredibly talented individuals, many of whom have MSTings already up on WS#9. I suggest you read their own MSTings as well, whether or not you liked this one. Take a bow guys, you've earned it. Host segments are hell for me to write, but I somehow managed to pull them all off. However, I must give credit where credit is due and thank Darth Kirby for suggesting the "Musician/Talk Show Host Crossover" segment. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyright(c)1999 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. "Weird Al" Yankovic is copyright to himself...heck, it's not like people are copyrighted. Same for Hal...they are welcome to themselves. =========================================================================== --------------------------------------------------------------------------- > .............. Hal nodded. "Say Al, you think we're up for another adventure? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------