From the George Carlin album "You are all diseased!"
Something else I'm getting tired of is all this stupid bullshit we have to listen to all the time about
children. It's all you hear in this country. "Children, help the children, what about the children, save the
children!" You know what I say? Fuck the children. Fuck'em. They're getting entirely
too much attention. And I know what you're thinking. You're saying, "Jesus, he's not gonna attack children, is
he?" Yes, he is. He's going to attack children. And remember, this is
Mr. Conductor talking. I know what I'm talking about. I know what I'm talking
about. And I also know all you single
dads and soccer moms who think you're such fuckin' heroes aren't gonna like this, but someone's got to tell you for your own good:
Your children are
overrated and overvalued, you've turned them into little cult objects, you have a child fetish, and it's not
healthy! And don't give me that weak shit: "Well...I love my children." Fuck you!
Everybody loves their children. Doesn't make you special. John Wayne Gacy loved his
children. Kept 'em all right out in the yard, near the garage. That's not what I'm talking
What I'm talking about is this constant, mindless yammering in the media, this neurotic fixation that says somehow everything, EVERYTHING, has to
revolve around children. It's completely out of balance. Listen.
There are a couple of things about kids you have to remember.
First of all, they're not all cute. Okay? In fact, if you look at them
closely, some of them are rather unpleasant looking. And a lot of 'em don't smell very good either, all
right? Some of the really little ones seem to have kind of a sour milk and urine combination going
on. Stay with me on this, the sooner you face it, the better off you're gonna be.
Second premise: Not all children are smart and clever. Got
that? Kids are like any other group of people. A few winners, a whole lotta
losers. There are a lotta loser kids out there who simply aren't going anywhere, and you
can't save 'em all, you can't save 'em all, you gotta let 'em go, you gotta cut
'em loose, you gotta stop overprotecting them, 'cause you're making 'em too soft.
Today's kids are way too soft. For one thing, there's too much emphasis on
safety. Childproof medicine bottles, fireproof pajamas, child restraints, car seats, and
helmets! Baseball, bicycle, skateboard helmets. Kids have to wear helmets now for everything except jerking
off! Grownups have taken all the fun out of being a kid just to save a few thousand
lives. It's pathetic. It's pathetic. What's happening...you know what it is...these
baby boomers, these soft, fruity boomers are raising an entire generation of soft, fruity kids who aren't even allowed to have hazardous toys, for
Christ's sake! Hazardous toys...shit! Whatever happened to natural
selection? Survival of the fittest? The kid who swallows too many marbles doesn't grow up to have kids of his
own! Simple as that! Simple! Nature...nature knows best.
We're saving entirely too many lives in this country of all
ages. Nature should be allowed to do its job of killing off the weak and sickly and
ignorant people, without interference from airbags and batting helmets. Just think of it as passive eugenics.
Now, here's another example of overprotection. Did you ever notice on the TV news, every time some guy with an AK-47 strolls onto a school yard and kills
3 or 4 kids and a coupla teachers, the next day, the next day, the school is overrun with counselors and psychiatrists and grief counselors and trauma
therapists trying to help the children cope. Shit! When I was in school, someone came to our school and killed 3 or 4 of us, we went right ahead with
our arithmetic. 35 classmates minus 4 equals 31. We were tough. I say if kids can handle the violence at home, they oughtta be able to handle the
violence at school. I'm not worried about guns in school. You know what I'm waiting
for? Guns in church. That's gonna be a lot of fun. And it'll happen.
You watch. Some nut will go fuckin' apeshit in church, and they'll refer to
him as a "disgruntled worshipper."
Here. Here's another bunch of ignorant shit. School
uniforms. Bad theory. The idea that if kids wear uniforms to school, it helps keep
order. Don't these schools do enough damage, making all these kids think
Now they're gonna get them to look alike, too? And it's not a new idea.
I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930's but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German!
One more item about children, and that is this superstitious nonsense that blames tobacco companies for kids who
smoke. Listen, kids don't smoke because a camel in sunglasses tells them to.
They smoke for the same reasons
adults do, because it relieves anxiety and depression. And you'd be anxious and depressed too, if you had to put up with these pathetic, insecure,
striving, anal yuppie parents who enroll you in college before you're old enough to know which side of the playpen smells the
worst! And then they fill you fulla Ritalin and drag you all over town in search of meaningless
structure. Little League, cub scouts, swimming, soccer, karate, piano, bagpipes, watercolor, witchcraft, glassblowing, and dildo
practice! They even have play dates, for Christ's sake! Playing is now done by
appointment! Whatever happened to "you show me your wee-wee, I'll show you
mine? " Hey, no wonder kids smoke, it helps. Not as much as weed, but hey, you can't have
everything. You know it's true. Parents are burning these kids out on
structure. I think every day all children should have three hours of daydreaming.
Just daydreaming. You could use a little of it yourself, by the way.
Just sit at the window, stare at the clouds, it's good for you. You wanna know how you can help your
children? Leave them the fuck
alone! There ya go.