UNKILLFILED
Corestates Center, Philadelphia Pennsylvania
Marv Albert, Bobby Heenan, Jerry Springer, Pepe McMichael
Marv: Good evening everyone, from the CORESTATES CENTER in Philadelphia, for tonight's epic event, Unkillfiled. A major card where the rules are all different. I am standing here with Bobby the Brain Heenan, counting down his way, to Pasadena, and the road to Weaselmania, and Jerry Springer has joined the RSPWWCW crew. And we have the debut of yet another member of the RSPW crew, and Jerry, I'd like for you to introduce.
Jerry Springer: Thanks, Marv. It's my pleasure to speak to someone for the first time. This will be the first time he speaks out on national television. I'm proud to bring before America, a thoroughly misunderstood young man, in my opinion, Pepe McMichael. Pepe, welcome to Unkillfiled.
Pepe McMichael (sitting on the console): Muchos gracias, Jerry.
Springer: You have appeared at wrestling events all throughout the country, yet you have never spoken before now.
Pepe: Well, you see, Jerry, I had always let Steve McMichael my adoptive father speak for me. And frankly, he never did a very good job of it. People got this impression of me as a stupid little chihuahua. I'm a very intelligent chihuahua, Jerry.
Springer: We can tell that by speaking to you, Jerry. We'll be talking to young Pepe as the night progresses. The young man has a horrible tale to tell, I understand. Jenny McCarthy is our ring announcer.
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RSPWWCW Cruiserweight Championship
Canadian Sensation vs. Kim Wright
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(Poison-Alice Cooper)
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Jenny: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is for the RSPWWCW Cruiserweight Championship. Introducing first, from Dublin Ireland, weighing 156 pounds, the Fire From Eire, KIM WWWWWWWWWWRIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Marv: The very lovely Kim Wright, dressed in the pink and black of the Bitch World Order. A skilled kickboxer with lethal legs.
Pepe: You have to be very careful about sniffing a woman like that. She might take it the wrong way.
Heenan: Well, I'd actually like to try that some time.
Marv: As would I. As Kim wright in the ring GGGRRRRRAAAAAAABS Jenny McCarthy and lays a wet one on her right on the mouth.
Heenan: Well, I'll say this for her. She's got great taste in women.
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(Kurrgan's Theme plays, and with Jenny McCarthy speechless, Canadian Sensation comes out to the ring, accompanied by Memery Miller.)
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Marv: Well, the Cruiserweight Champion is not getting an introduction, let's see that kiss again on instant replay.
Heenan: Well, let me fill in the blanks. This guy is from Edmonton, Alberta. He weighs a 159 pounds dripping wet. And any match which has him in close physical contact with a pretty woman is his type of match.
Pepe: He has HSB on his rear end. What does that mean?
Heenan: I dunno. And we'll be back in 2 and 2!
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Kim Wright with the mic: Memm. I want to give ya this one chance, guhl. I want to give ya one chance ta rethink your abandonment of the Sisterhood. The Bitch World Order.
Memery: Kim, with all due respect. You are a degenerate. Your whole group is a bunch of degenerates, and frankly, I would never go back with the Bitch World Order. I'm clean. I'm Pepper Free. And I would NEVER engage in all your perversions like you all wanted.
Kim Wright: That's not what you said when I was between your legs licking you.
Memery: That's a lie!
Kim wright: Oh, give it up, girl! You were just loving it, when was........
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Marv: And CanSen hits Kim Wright with the belt. CanSen hits Kim Wright with the belt!
Heenan: Why'd he do that? I wanted to hear what Kim Wright was doing to Memery.
Springer: You know, this is unfortunate.
Marv: CanSen gaining the upper hand, as referee Steve Cain calling for the bell to begin the match.
Springer: One woman proclaims to the world that she got down on the other. The other denying it and proclaiming her steadfast heterosexuality. Who's telling the truth? I should be hosting this show.
Marv: CanSen trying to ruin Kim Wright's pretty girl good looks.
Springer: I wonder if Memery and CanSen are somehow involved.
Heenan: You think this is a love triangle.
Springer: I don't know what to think, Bobby Heenan.
Marv: Wait a minute! WHAT'S THAT COMING FROM THE RAFTERS?
Heenan: IT'S STING!!!!!!!!
Springer: No, it's not Sting. Who is this?
Pepe: Is no Jim Neidhart either.
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(Zen, dressed in a white coat with a red shirt, is lowered to the ramp area in a pulpit.)
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Marv: CanSen backs Wright into the corner and breaks less than clean. And now Wright gets off a takedown. Is that Brother Zen?
Zen from the pulpit: There are a lot of matches on this particular card that will be most interesting. BArnett vs. Lano in a casket match. ATM and Francine in a stripped naked match. Oh yeah!!! The BWO against the TWO. However, there is one point that I wish to make. No matter
what, there should be a World Title match as the last match on the card. John Henry, you're getting off easy. Otherwise, I'd buy it. Most definitely.
Marv: Wright kicks and headbutts him, then a snapmare and elbowdrop by the Fire From Eire Kim Wright.
Zen: Yes Bret, we all know how you've been "screwed" and we don't give a rats ass especially when you mention it EVERY DAMN TIME YOU GET A MIC IN YOUR HAND! For crying out load, SHUT UP!!!!
Marv: Kim Wright elbows him in the head and now does an octopus choke.
Zen: Bret Hart is of course an evil traitor to the Canadian people, having pledged allegiance to you decadent Americans.
Marv: Kim Wright goes to a kneelock. You know, as angry as Canadian Sensation got when Kim Wright made her little accusations, I've got to wonder if there actually aren't feelings along the romantic side, if you will. Wright legdropping the leg a couple of times.
Heenan: well, I think you might just be right. How would you like a woman saying that about your woman?
Marv: Wright a whip, CanSen slides under, and a spinwheel kick sends Kim Wright through the ropes.
Zen: Alright. Let's see what you have to offer, Kim Wright, you degenerate perverted lesbian slut.
Heenan: Hey, Zen. Those are some of my favorite women you described. I like degenerate perverted lesbian sluts, myself.
Pepe: Now CanSen with a magnificent slingshot plancha.
Heenan: Somebody threw something out of the crowd. Referee Steve Cain just got drenched in it.
Zen: You should not throw anything at the wrestlers, you could put someones eye out.
Marv: Canadian Sensation sends Kim Wright back in and hits a slingshot kneedrop, a cover 1, 2, but no.
Zen: If you have to throw a coke, make sure there is burbon in it.
Marv: Sensation springs up top and does the flip into a HuraCanSenRana!
Pepe: Slowly done, uno, dos, and he deed not get her.
Marv: A whip, duck by Wright, Kim Wright kicks him, then a front suplex.
Pepe: That eez a reverse falcon arrow. can't you get anything right, Marv?
Marv: Pepe, our Lucha Libre expert here. Guillotine legdrop by Kim Wright, 1, 2, and a kickout by CanSen. Ladies and gentlemen, tickets have gone one sale for the May 20th Rawnitro And Thunder in Little Rock Arkansas.
Springer: I heard the WWF shows in Little Rock are a real riot.
Marv: Now Wright, trying to methodically rip the leg off the Cruiserweight Champion. Blows a kiss to Memery Miller, who just stares at her.
Heenan: I dunno. I think there's a spark there or something.
Springer: I think you two are just projecting your own perverse lesbian fantasies into an innocent situation.
Heenan: SO????
Marv: Now a Figure Four leg lock. Figure Four by Kim Wright as she tries to regain the Cruiserweight Championship.
Heenan: CanSen has got to find a way out of this. He's gotta turn it over. find the ropes. Cheat.
Springer: CanSen in agony. Oh the horror. The PAIN etched on his face. The drama.
Heenan: He's gonna need some of that minor knee surgery that's going around.
Springer: You know, this isn't a bad event for people finding out about it from tickets that were distributed on car windows.
Marv: CanSen trying to turn this over as Memery Miller is yelling and screaming and....
Heenan: He turns it over!
Marv: He reverses it! And now Kim Wright is crawling for the ropes, and CanSen breaks the hold.
Heenan: This is the best match I've seen since watching Invader III puke gallons of blood all over the ring after having his stomach cavity ruptured by Manny Fernandez.
Marv: Kim Wright up first and goes to the top rope despite being injured for an elbow drop.
Springer: Wright and Sensation are two of the finest competitors in this matchup.
Pepe: Jerry, they're the ONLY competitors in this matchup.
Marv: Kim Wright with a superkick, MISSES and a JAWBREAKER by CanSen.
Heenan: Yeah, and I thought Schiavone was stupid.
Marv: Lariat by Sensation!
Heenan: It's very basic, yet CanSen does it like no one I have ever seen before. I'm suprised half the guys he has wrestled he hasn't decapitated them with it.
Marv: Now Canadian Sensation with a Tiger driver with a VARIATION!!!!!
Heenan: OH MY GOOODNESS!!!!
Marv: 1, 2, 3!!!!! It's over!!!!!
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DING DING DING DING
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(Kurrgan's Theme)
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Jenny McCarthy: The winner of the match, CANADIAN SENSATION!!!!!!!!!!!
Pepe: Well an incredible Tiger Driver 91, a Taiga Doraiba Kyuu Jyuu Ichi. Starts off looking
like a regular Tiger Driver, but Sensation grabs his opponent in mid air and slams them down head and neck first into the mat. Its a must see move.
Marv: As Zen walks out with a slightly limping Sensation and Memery Miller, and what's this he's doing.
Heenan: He's placing a red maple leaf on the forehead of that girl in the front row, and now he flashes the peace sign. Another poor soul converted to Canadianism.
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Chris Filbey: Guys, I am here with the TWO here, and Pete the King Of Flame you and your compadres take on John Henry, Kelly Vaters and Chad bryant tonight.
Pete: Listen up, net.cunt. You talk about being a big man and putting up or shutting up. You tell us to come to your house and beat you up, and if we don't, it proves that we aren't real men, and that you are tougher than us. Of course, thats a pussy way out since obiously, guys like us aren't gonna buy a 200 dollar plane ticket just to beat you up. So of course, by your own demented standards, we are not men. Well, pal, I got something to say to you. Lets see how much of a real man you are!! I challenge you to come to my house and we'll find out how much of a man each of us are!! Shouldn't be a problem for you, since you "own" your own company, you're a BIG ROCK STAR, ladedah....AND you're the RSPW Heavyweight champion.....that won't last for long....it should be no problem for you to fly on in to JFK or LaGuardia by this weekend. I'll fire up the grill and chill a few beers. I live in Yonkers New York. All you gotta do is take the Deegan Expressway up to the Tuckahoe Road exit and I'm right there. We'll call it an "In Your House".
Chris Filbey: You're not serious. You're challenging John Henry to come over to your house to beat you up.
Pete: And by the way John, if you don't come, it will prove to me that you are nothing but a bitch-assed little troll. See, it works both ways John. I fully expect you to take the KOF challenge.
Strength Rollins: "What does a PENIS look like?" That's what a Kely Vaters sign would look like.
Girl, you have no clue what you're getting yourself into, do you, cuntcake? So instead of dissin' me, just shut up you fucking child. And Chad Bryant. He looks like he stepped out of some latin gay porn flick. CHAD. What a name! You've got way too much time on your hands, Ricky Retardo. You are a cunt. You're runnin with the triple threat, the hardcore legends of this
newsgroup. Welcome to the next generation, asswipe.
Max The Ax JD Day: On a lighter note, did you know that Yokozuna was arrested at the airport the other day? The authorities lifted up his kimono, and found 200 pounds of crack.
Chris Filbey: Actually...that's pretty funny, Max.
Max: well, Chad Bryant has got to be one of the pussiest wrestlers of all time. But that's not the important question, The important question is.....WHAT IS KELLY VATERS BOOB SIZE???? I'm gonna feel her up and find out tonight. I am the ICON who can still go.
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RSPWWCW Extreme Championship
Osmarus vs. "The Sexiest Woman Alive" Nicole Bass
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(You Shook Me All Night Long - ACDC)
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Jenny McCarthy: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, is being held under ECW rules, and is for the RSPWWCW EXTREME CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!! The challenger, from New York New York, weighing 238 pounds, here is the SEXIEST WOMAN ALIVE!!!!!!!!!! NICOLE BAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
Marv: The Sexiest Woman Alive, Nicole Bass, the gold medal winner in the Regal Rumble, actually lifted Osmarus over her head and bodypressed him out of the ring.
Heenan: She's a very beautiful woman!
Springer: I'm proud of you, Bobby Heenan, that you can be so non-judgmental in your standard of femininity.
Heenan: Non-judgmental, hell. I'm scared to death of her.
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(Degeneration X Theme plays to that dreaded convulsive video)
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Jenny McCarthy: from the Knation Of Knack Knack, weighing 289 pounds, accompanied to the ring by the Heartbreak Babae Powrhug Kare, here is the RSPWWCW EXTREEEEEEEEEME champion, OS-MAAAAAAAAAAAARUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Marv: The giant Osmarus. Few things in this organization can crack me up like his statements... Heenan: So where the heck is he? I thought he had been kidnapped by the Moderators group?
Springer: The Moderate dgroup are a bunch of dangerous eligious zealots. I don't see how anybody can join the Moderated group, who is not terribly bigoted and disturbed.
Heenan: Apparently he has one of those Bret Hart gigs. Show up whenever, although not too often, and just sorta fade away after a little bit.
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DING DING DING DING
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Marv: They lock up, and Bass backs Osmarus do the ropes. Osmarus breaks this up with a punch. A flurry of kicks by Osmarus now, but a clothesline stops Ossie dead in his tracks.
Heenan: Fluery? Where's Fluery?
Marv: I said flurry, not Fleury. Fluery will be in action later on, along with Rob Blake to take on Mike Malecki, and a mystery partner. Bass misses a fistdrop, and Osmarus dropkicks her.
Springer: We are being joined in the broadcast position by Strength Rollins.
Heenan: Hey, listen. Any man with that many tattoos is a friend of mine, Mr. Rollins.
Strength: Bobby heenan, you are truly one of the great announcers of our time.
Marv: A backslide & small package gets 2 for Osmarus. Osmarus CAUGHT trying a leapfrog, and dropped in a belly-to-back suplex by Nicole Bass.
Strength: I live near Sayreville and Nicole Bass is fuckin' nasty, man.
Springer: Is that so?
Marv: Swinging neckbreaker by Nicole Bass. Now Bass going for the backdrop, Osmarus reads it and spikes Nicole Bass with a hair mare.
Strength: I haven't seen her on ECW but after seeing her at Stern's B' day party and the old New
Year's Eve PPV I think she really does have a penis.
Marv: Big chop by Osmarus, and a backbreaker.
Springer: Why are you saying this, Strength Rollins?
Marv: But Osmarus runs into an elbow via the Sexiest Woman Alive Nicole Bass.
Strength: Well maybe not, but 'roids will do that to a girl.
Marv: Bass goes to the top, but gets caught by Osmarus and superplexed from the top.
Heenan: That's incredible. He just took this massive woman and flattened her like a pancake.
Strength: The 'roids ..make her look like an even uglier "girl".....Ugh. I shrivel up after seeing her.
Marv: Osmarus with a kick to Nicole Bass. I happen to think Nicole Bass is a very foxy lady.
Strength: This coming from a guy who likes to sniff the Taskmistress' used tampons.
Marv: Osmarus going into the corner, going for the Vader Bomb, but MISSES as Nicole Bass rolls out of the way. I have been told that one of the most colorful and insightful commentators in the history of our sport...THE MARITIMER...will be here later on tonight.
Heenan: Four time world tag team champion.
Marv: Nicole lays a low blow on Osmarus, and I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!
Heenan: Fisherman's Suplex by Nicole Bass! Incredible.
Marv: Two, three, it's over, as Powrhug Kare jumps in and gets LAID OUT COLD by a Nicole Bass punch! We've got a new champion.
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DING DING DING DING
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(You Shook Me All Night Long - ACDC)
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Jenny McCarthy: The winner of this match, and NEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW RSPWWCW EXTREME CHAMPION, THE SEXIEST WOMAN ALIVE!!!! NICOLE BAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!
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Marv: Nicole Bass has become the first woman to win the Extreme Championship in RSPWWCW!
Heenan: Strength Rollins is going to the ring. Oh, oh. I smell trouble.
Strength: You know, a girl like Chyna looks hot. She just keeps getting better. When she came out I had to run to the can to, well, you know.
Heenan: Hope he doesn't run across George Michael in there.
Strength: Tell me something, Nicki....Have you ever kissed a boy, you dumb whore?
Nicole Bass: Are you asking to kiss me, little man. And I DO mean LITTLE.
Strength: You are probably the best reason for birth control I've ever seen. You know, last night I heard you and your girly man husband experimented with his wide array
of butt plugs and ball gags. He confessed to me that while it was fun being sodomized by you, he got a little uncomforatble when you suggested sticking a LJN rubber Randy "Macho Man" Savage doll in his ass, and shouting "Ohhhhhhh Yeeeeeaaaaaaahhh!" Then he began calling you Tony Shivone, and begged to be worked with a microphone. Brrr...
Nicole Bass: Are you trying to tell me something? PUNK!!!!!
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Marv: And STRENGTH ROLLINS bitch slaps Nicole Bass, and Bass slaps him back! And here we go!
Heenan: Here we go.....
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(Strength Rollins rolls around the ring with Nicole Bass trying to punch his lights out and Rollins trying to return the favor. The crowd goes absolutely nuts, and every referee in the world comes down to try and break it up.)
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Marv: Strength Rollins and Nicole Bass.
Heenan: I'm a little surprised at Strength Rollins. He and the TWO have a match tonight against the BWO. And he wants to go pick a fight with this amazon. I don't know what's wrong with him.
Strength: You gonna bark all day little bitch, or you gonna bite?
Springer: I suppose this makes this guy the Monster Heel of RSPW.
Marv: Maybe it does. Order has been restored.
Springer: At least he didn't pull her top down.
Marv: You have an interview, Chris Filbey?
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Chris Filbey: Yes, I'm here with Scott Keith and the Billion Dollar Man Jeremy Billones. And Mr. Billones, I see you have this diamond studded belt with you.
Billones: HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! That's right, Chris. Even though the trolls felt bold,
now that they think Mom & Dad aren't watching, causing Scott Keith to lose the Intergender Championship, I have another belt. A much better belt, to reward our champion, the RSPWM champion, with. I am honored to right here and right now, present to Scott Keith, the Billion Dollar Belt. And I hereby, through this presentation, declare Scott Keith, the "Billion Dollar Champion".
Chris Filbey: The Billion Dollar Champion?
Scott Keith: Note to trolls: You guys come on here for two weeks in pathetic attempts to get "over" and get bounced from your ISP, and I make a single mildy confrontational statement and send the entire group into a collective hissy fit. I'm even better at drawing the almighty "heat" than the very people who's pathetic little lives revolve around it. Sad, isn't it? If you self-important creeps who have nothing better to worry about than my conduct on RSPW feel the need to exert your power and "bounce" me from my position as moderator, go ahead and try. I've already won. The group exists, the group will exist without me, and I can happily read and post to it knowing that it's there. If I'm not involved directly, well, life's tough but I'll live. It'll give me more time to spend with my girlfriend instead of spending half an hour at Dejanews following all the threads whining about me every night. So to summarize: I don't care what you think. If you're stupid enough to equate me with the scumbags who ruined RSPW, then feel free. Because for now, RSPW can KISS MY ASS!!!!!!!!!!!
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Conn "Balls" MacKintosh vs.
"The Billion Dollar Man" Jeremy Billones
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(Four Horsemen Theme)
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Jenny McCarthy: The following contest is a GRUDGE match, scheduled for one fall. Introducing at this time, from Myrtle Beach South Carolina, accompanied to the ring by The Nature Boy Rick Scaia, and the Crippler, Katie Prodoehl, here is CONN "BALLS" MMMMMMACKINTOSH!!!!!!!
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Heenan: he's tough as nails, and wearing a mini skirt.
Springer: That is a kilt, Bobby Heenan. You are showing your cultural insensitivity.
Heenan: Cultural insensitivity? What's that?
Pepe: I hear the Easter Bunny's gonna leave Conn some little chocolate balls. Don't eat 'em, Conn.
Heenan: Hey, at least they'd taste better than those gorditos you're pushing.
Pepe: Watch out, Bobby Heenan, or I'll pee on your leg.
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(Mode-mode-moderation - (to the tune of Money Money Money))
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Jenny McCarthy: And his opponent, accompanied to the ring by the Billion Dollar Champion, Scott Keith, from Washington DC, here is THE BILLION DOLLAR MAN, JEREMY BILLONES!!!!!!
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Marv: Jeremy Billones, so rich, he formed his own newsgroup.
Heenan: And created a new belt.
Pepe: You can buy a lot of Gorditas with those jewels.
Heenan: Look at that thing. It's so sparkling it's blinding!
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Marv: And MacKintosh right after Billones, as referee Jeff Jones begins this match. Clothesline by MacKintosh and balls MacKintosh on the middle turnbuckle, and A LOW BLOW by Billones which Jeff Jones aparently didn't see.
Heenan: I wonder if Jeremy paid Jeff Jones off.
Marv: HURACANRANA by the Billion Dollar Man, and then the swinging neckbreaker. Billones gets a 2 count. Balls MacKintosh one of the toughest men ever in our sport. A resilient athlete. And Billones with a midsuperplex off MacKintosh. Cover, 1, 2, and he does not get him.
Heenan: Conn MacKintosh is a tough customer. Former tag tam champion. You're not gonna get him that easy.
Marv: Snap suplex by Billones. And we have a commotion on the outside of the ring.
Heenan: That's Scott Keith, Mattie Carrington, Jeff Amdur, JD Williams on the outside of the ring. They're taking steel pipes to Katie and Scaia. And they've got ballbats.
Marv: In the ring, sunset flip by Billones is rolled over by Conn MacKintosh, 1, 2, and Billones gets out of it. Now MacKintosh sees the carnage and goes out of the ring.
Heenan: Here comes the Taskmistress.
Marv: Taskmistress Liz Michael grabs a chair and swings it wildly.
Heenan: Liz Michael is cleaning house on the outside. Is she the fourth member of the Horsemen?
Marv: And now MacKintosh talking to Liz Michael.
Conn: Liz. Stay out of this. This is Horsemen business.
Marv: Can you believe that? MacKintosh telling Liz he doesn't need her help. Meanwhile, Rick Scaia and Katie Prodoehl are incapacitated out by ringside.
Heenan: And Liz turns her back and leaves, but just then Billones with the chair on the back of the head of Balls MacKintosh.
Marv: Billones dragging MacKintosh back in the ring, and whips him into the corner hard. Now Jeremy Billones is out of the ring. Grabs MacKintosh by the legs and CROTCHES him into the ringpost!
Pepe: Holy frejoles.
Heenan: Yeah. He left a few holes in his frejoles alright.
Marv: Now, Jeremy Billones with a chair to the knee of Balls MacKintosh. The flavor of ECW is evident here, in two combatants that do not like one another. Billiones dragging MacKintosh back to the outside, and smashes him into the steel steps. Conn Balls MacKintosh, pound for pound, one of the toughest ever this sport has ever seen. One of the most powerful, talented men in our sport. One of the bravest ever. A legendary figure in our sport. Now Billones a German suplex of MacKintosh on the ramp.
Heenan: Just think of the tradition of wrestling in this city. Bruno Sammartino wrestled here. Superstar Billy Graham. Bob Backlund.
Springer: The lingerie match with Powrhug Kare and Liz Michael.
Marv: That sure was my favorite. Billones with a neckbreaker on Balls MacKintosh, and Conn MacKintosh is surprisingly taking a serious beating.
Heenan: I think he should have taken the Taskmistress' help.
Marv: Pushing MacKintosh back in the ring, now Billones side suplexes MacKintosh for another cover, and a kickout by Balls MacKintosh.
Heenan: And if you think Unkillfiled is hot. Just wait until Weaselmania. Probably will be the most watched pay per view in history.
Springer: Well, it has your name on it.
Marv: Billion Dollar Forearm Smash by Billones, another cover, and another kickout.
Heenan: People will be talking about this night for years to come!
Marv: Now Jeremy Billones with a whip of MacKintosh into the ropes, but he's caught by Keith and Carrington. Scott Keith. Mattie Carrington. Beating up Conn MacKintosh now. AND HERE COMES TWO GUYS OUT OF THE CROWD!!! HERE ARE TWO GUYS OUT OF THE CROWD!!!! The two guys are beating up Scott Keith and Mattie Carrington. Who are these guys?
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DING DING DING DING
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Marv: Conn MacKintosh out of nowhere DDT's JEREMY BILLONES!!!!
Heenan: I told ya this MacKintosh is a tough guy. He took the beating of his life, and he still took out the Billion Dollar Man.
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DING DING DING DING DING
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Springer: Now this one guy does a flying cross body of Mattie Carrington, flattening her to the mat. Security has come out to try to restore order. I'm going to see if I can get a word in with these two guys.
Marv: Balls MacKintosh and this other unidentified man arre beating the hell out of Jeremy Billones. Who is this man?
Heenan: Well, it doesn't look like Niedhart.
Springer: Gentlemen, gentlemen, who are you people?
Conn MacKintosh: Jerry, I want to introduce you to these fine gentlemen, who have been around wrestling rings for years. And I'm now proud to have them as members of the Four Horsemen. This is Joe Dick. And this is Big Dick Dudley. Now these punks beat up Rick and Katie. They're going to the hospital. But let me tell ya about a saying I have. You put one of ours in the hospital, we put one of yours in the morgue. Now, I tell you what. Next week, in Parts Unknown, I know you, Scott Keith, have this little thing with the Taskmistress. So I want your ass at Weaselmania, son. And Mattie Carrington. I've you've got the stones. or the ovaries, or whatever the hell you have, I'll meet you on Rawnitro And Thunder NEXT WEEK. And Dick and dudley will be watchin' MY back this time. You mods are in big trouble.
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Marv: We understand that Jeff Jones has declared Conn MacKintosh the winner via disqualification. Joe Dick and Big Dick Dudley have now joined the Four Horsemen.
Heenan: That's gonna be strange. Conn Mackintosh now has the two Dicks with him. Course, he'll probably be very popular with the ladies now.
Marv: I understand The African Dream Bob Barnett is back with Chris Filbey.
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Chris Filbey: I'm here with the African Dream, Bob Barnett. You have a casket match coming up with Dr. Mike Lano next. How do you feel going into this match.
Barnett, in a dashiki and a fez: Lano and his lying lips gonna be NO TroUBle in just a few. But I got another thing on my mind. Rob Feinstein. Where the hell are my damn tapes?
Chris Filbey: Rob Feinstein has your tapes?
Barnett: Rob owes me a ton of tapes. Sucka doesn't reply to e mail, so I'll remind him here daily. Among others he owes me are......HOUSE PARTY 98, November To Remember '97, TERRY FUNK WRESTLEFEST, HARDCORE HEAVEN, BARELY LEGAL, ECW: AS GOOD AS IT GETS, WRESTLEPALOOZA 97, BORN TO BE WIRED, The Buffalo Invasion, CyberSlam ‘97, Crossing the Line Again, November To Remember ‘96, and every other goddamned commercial release since November 96.
Chris Filbey: You mean to tell me you ordered that many tapes from RF Video and they never sent them.
Barnett: You outta stamps, son, or what? Welcher. The thief owed me tapes as part of a legal settlement. I've got his e mails on file-but his writing style mimics his video quality. I wouldn't send a dime to Rob. He'd just buy more hair dye in his quest to look like El Hijo del Caprio.
Filbey: Hey Bob, why not call ECW offices and tell them how RF does business.
Barnett: They know-they don't care. Their tape deliveries aren't much better.
Filbey: So what do you think of Unkillfiled so far.
Barnett: I feel like I had a lobotomy watching this jive mess so far.
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Casket Match
The African Dream Bob Barnett vs.
Dr. Mike Lano in a Casket Match
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(The Funeral March)
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Jenny McCarthy: The follwing contest, is a CASKET MATCH. Introducing first, here is DOCTOR MIKE LANO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Marv: This is the first wrestling match of Dr. Mike Lano in RSPWWCW. He is a veteran of the wrestling wars for years. But so is Bob Barnett.
Heenan: Lano is the man that brought Louie Spicolli to the RSPWWCW. It was a great match. Even if Louie wrestled a little stiff.
Springer: Here you go again, Bobby Heenan.
Heenan: Hey. I here that Louie and Brian Pillman are hanging out at the Spahn ranch plotting their next drugstore robbery.
Springer: Come on. This is life or death, not a work. Show some respect please.
Heenan: Well, I think it shows what good wrestlers Liz Michael and Alex Demchuk are. They carried Spicolli through that whole match.
Springer: Will you stop?
-
(Jive Soul Bro)
-
Jenny McCarthy: And his opponent, in the black, green and red tights, from Santa Monica California, here is "The African Dream" BOB BARRRRRRNEEEEETTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!
-
Marv: Bob Barnett, the African Dream.
Heenan: I think it's wonderful after all these years for a guy like Bob Barnett to discover his roots.
Springer: Well, we have an episode of Springer coming up where Bob Barnett's girlfriend's father, who's a member of the Ku Klux Klan, finds out his daughter's been sleeping with a black guy all this time.
Heenan: the Taskmistress' father is in the Klan?
Marv: Bobby, Liz Michael is not Bob Barnett's girlfriend.
Heenan: He sure acts like they're married or something.
Marv: Let's not get this started again.
-
DING DING DING DING
-
Marv: Lano now to the ropes and Barnett knocked down with a shoulderblock. Side headlock now by Lano. Remember this is a casket match, the first casket match ever in RSPWWCW. The winner has to place his opponent in the casket at ringside, and lock it. Lano now with some punches, and whips Barnett into the ropes. Backdrop attempt and Barnett counters with a kick and a clothesline.
Springer: You know if I may say so, it's incredible the lack of taste some people in RSPW display when someone dies.
Marv: Now a hammerlock by Bob Barnett.
Heenan: Not only that, I heard that Rad Radford died, too.
Pepe: First Louie, now Rad. When will this carnage end?
Marv: Lano reverses the hammerlock now and Barnett stops that with a back elbow.
Heenan: It was reported that Louie Spicolli choked on his own vomit. Jimi Hendrix also choked on his own vomit. Spicolli wanted to be a part of the NWO. Hogan's entance music is Voodoo Chile by none other than Jimi Hendrix.
Marv: Brain, you have too much time on your hands. Now Barnett and Lano into a test of strength.
Heenan: There are some old fashioned wrestling moves being used in this match. You won't see these two guys jumping on the floor like a bunch of Mexican jumping beans. No offense, Pepe.
Pepe: You're really beginning to piss me off.
Marv: Lano goes for another hammerlock. Barnett unloads with punches and kicks. Lano comes back
with a Lou Thesz press, and then unloads on Bob Barnett.
Heenan: I just thought of something. Maybe Spicolli vomitted 'cause he just ate a bowl of
Voodoo Chili......
Marv: Lano drops an elbow. Goes for the jawbreaker but Barnett slips out of it and slips out of the ring, and does the Egyptian hand jive in the direction of Mike Lano.
Heenan: I heard taht foul paly was suspected.
Marv: Lano jumps off the ring apron and clotheslines Bob Barnett.
Heenan: His chicken pecked him to death.
Springer: WILL YOU STOP??????
Marv: Lano starts brawling with Barnett, and Barnett is rammed to the steel stairs.
Heenan: can you imagine. Being choked by your own chicken?
Marv: Lano a clothesline, ducked by Barnett. He picks up Lano and drops him on the security barrier. I'm not gonna touch that one, Bobby Heenan.
Heenan: Well, good. I don't want you touvhing my chicken.
Marv: Barnett hammers Lano into the steps.
Springer: You people are so damn rude.
Marv: Barnett continues to kick Mike Lano. This is what they call an old fashioned sloberknocker.
Springer: You know, next thing, you'll be accusing Larry Zbyszko of having something to do with it.
Marv: Barnett, back in the ring slams Lano.
Heenan: Hey. Those clubs Spiccoli broke were expensive titanium bubble shaft after all. No telling what a man will do when his golf game is messed with. Look at Simpson.
Marv: Barnett drops the elbow. Barnett goes for a chinlock.
Springer: why are we still talking about this anyway?
Heenan: Listen. Mike Lano is a pathological liar to the point of believing his own lies. *Everytime* someone in the business dies, he takes the opportunity to try to put himself over.
Anyone who's dealt with him for long stretches can confirm it.
Marv: Lano powers out of this chinlock, and now Lano attacking with punches.
Heenan: Don't waste your time getting in the middle of it. It's a fire that will burn you.
Marv: Lano runs into a kneelift. Now Barnett with another slam, and another elbow, but catches nothing but the mat.
Heenan: You know, what if they open up that thing and find Bobo Brazil in there.
Springer: Bobby, knock it off.
-
Marv: Lano is up first, and he punches Barnett. The Dream fights back. A clothesline by Barnett, and another clothesline knocks down Mike Lano.
Heenan: Hey, it's not like I said Steve Austin butt-fucked Louie to death.
Springer: Bobby Heenan, you're making me angry.
Marv: Lano kicks at Barnett, but then walks right into a jawbreaker!
Heenan: Watch out. The talk show host guy's gonna go off on me.
Marv: Barnett dragging Lano over to the casket, and the referees lift the lid, but Lano gets out of it and drags Barnett to the outside.
Springer: Folks, I did not follow his career for long but I mourn his passing and my prayers go to his family. My prayers also go to you, Bobby Heenan, because the lack of human empathy is the death of the soul.
Marv: Barnett getting the upper hand, and Barnett gives Lano a pildriver on the lower half of the steps.
Heenan: dammit, Springer, just call the damn match!
Marv: Barnett now puts Lano in the casket. Lano DRAGS Barnett into the casket with him. And now both men are doing something in the casket as the casket is bouncing around.
Springer: Two men, rolling inside a casket of life together, grapping at one another with fury.
Pepe: Sounds like a Los Exoticos match to me.
Marv: Barnett drags Lano back out of the casket, chokeslam into the steel post.
Heenan: I don't understand why everyone is crying about the lack of respect given to
Louie. He had very little impact on the wrestling world, compared to Brian Pillman. He didn't exactly put asses in the seats. I respect the man enough not to insult him and trash him. You people are hypocrites and whiners anyways.
Marv: Barnett picks up the floor padding.
Heenan: Oh no! Business is about to pick up, folks.
Marv: Barnett the TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER of Lano onto THE CEMENT!!!!
Heenan: That was DEVASTATING!!!!
Springer: What's he doing now?
Marv: Barnett is climbing back into the ring, climbing the turnbuckles, OH MY GOD! What's he gonna do?
Heenan: Oh NO! He's going for a Air Africa splash on Mike Lano. If he hits this Lano's dead.
Pepe: And if he misses it Barnett's gonna be flat as a tortilla.
Marv: Here he goes!!!!!!! BAMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!
Heenan: HE HITS IT!!!!!! AIR AFRICA HAS CRASHED, RIGHT ON MIKE LANO'S NOGGIN! There are no survivors.
Marv: And you can see the life oozing out of the body of Dr. Mike Lano.
Heenan: Barnett picks him up, and whips Lano toward the casket.
Marv: And Lano does an involuntary somersault into the casket.
Pepe: And Barnett locks the casket shut.
-
DING DING DING
-
Jenny McCarthy: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the casket Match, BOB BARNETT!!!!!!!!!
-
(Music: Jive Soul Bro)
-
Marv: Bob Barnett is the winner of the casket match. Barnett, and BARNETT'S BEING ATTACKED BY THIS MASKED MAN!!!!
Heenan: A MASKED MAN!!!! All in black.
Springer: I noticed something on his trunk.
Marv: The only thing you can see on his trunks is the word: MANGLER.
Heenan: So I guess we call this person The Mangler.
Marv: And Mangler hitting Barnett with a Signapore Cane. Mangler butchering Bob Barnett the African Dream.
Heenan: This is discrimination. This is racism. I'm just not down with these actions.
Marv: And now the chair to the back of Bob Barnett by Mangler. Who is this Mangler?
-
-
UNKILLFILED Part 2
Corestates Center, Philadelphia Pennsylvania
Marv Albert, Bobby Heenan, Jerry Springer, Pepe McMichael
Marv: Chris Filbey is in the back with ATM LaRiche. something smells funny.
Chris Filbey: Well, I'm back here with ATM Lariche and ATM is having a cookout in the back. She's got her black with yellow polkadots tuxedo on for the match, and she's got this yellow with black polkadot apron on, and she's cooking back here.
ATM LaRiche: Oh, yeah. We got hot dogs, we got T-bone steak. And I'm russlin' up here, a BIG ol' bowl a Texas Chili wid TURKEY in it!
Chris Filbey: That sure sounds tasty, ATM!
ATM LaRiche: You can beat my prices, but you can't beat my meat!
Chris Filbey: ATM, your match with Francine Fournier. You don't seem too concerned about it.
ATM: Chris, I done fought all of the Funks..., Terry Funk, Dory Funk, Flash Funk and
MOMMA Funk.
Filbey: Momma Funk??? I would have liked to see THAT match.
ATM: Yep I beat her like a redheaded stepchild! So da way it izzzzzzzz, Francine, my dear. I'm gonna strip ya naked. Then I'm gonna strip myself naked, and I'm gonna do ti to ya right in the middle of the ring!!!!!! You gonna remember my name. You gonna be SCREAMIN' my name, baby. Oh, honey. You're going down.
Filbey: Down where?
ATM: Down there.......,wwwwwwwwwwwwwuuuuuuuuuushhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Filbey: Careful, now. Don't get that cigar ash drop in this good cooking.
-
************************************************************************
Tuxedo Match -
the winner is the first one to strip the other one completely naked
Francine Fournier vs. Alexandra Theresa Marlena LaRiche
************************************************************************
-
Jenny McCarthy: Ladies and gentlemen, the referee for this next match, SUNNNNNNNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!
-
(I Know You Want Me plays as Sunny does her strut out number in her referee's outfit. Crowd goes absolutely nuts.)
-
Heenan: Well, that's it. I'm going back to the WWF. This is a hell of a lot better than looking at the Giant's ass all the time.
Marv: I would have to agree, Bobby the Brain.
Pepe: Now that's a lap I wouldn't mind sitting in a while.
-
(Jenny Mccarthy gets on her hands and knees to look under Sunny's skirt.)
-
(Perfect Strangers-Deep Purple)
-
Jenny McCarthy: Oh, excuse me. This next contest is a Tuxedo Match. The winner of this match is the first combatant to strip the other one completely naked. Introducing first, from Philadelphia, Pennnsylvania, weighing 110 pounds, FRANCINE "THE FRANCHISE" FOURNIER!!!!!!
Marv: Francine Fournier. Making here way to the ring, overly dressed in comparison to how she usually is.
Heenan: She almost looks like a lesbian penguin.
Springer: A lesbian penguin?
Heenan: Not that there's anything wrong with that. She was a 90 pound weakling before she got her breasts enhanced.
-
(American Dream Theme)
-
Jenny: And her opponent, from Hyannisport Massachussetts, and weighing 159 pounds, Alexandra Theresa Marlena LaRiche.
Heenan: I can't believe this. Everything she's wearing is polkadot. Even her chef's hat.
Pepe: An she be bringin' huh plundah to da ring. Sorry. dat's me making fun of rednecks.
Marv: LaRiche carrying that grill and spatula with her, as well as a big bowl full of franks. The first polkadot tuxedo I hae ever seen, and according to ATN, win or lose, we're gonna see exactly how much of what's she's wearing IS polkadot.
Heenan: You know Dusty looks just like her.
Marv: dusty doesn't look anything at all like her.
Heenan: well, he would if she was pregnant.
MArv: Well, she may act like the rest of the Runnels family, but she's in a LOT better shape than all of them.
Heenan: Sort of looks like Peta Wilson with bad chest congestion. Real bad.
-
DING DING DING DING
-
Marv: The crowd is wild with anticipation.
Heenan: Half of them probably have erections.
Springer: Will you cut it out.
Marv: As ATM countering a Francine-steiner by dropping Francine on the rope, and huge DDT by ATM, who has already lost her chef's hat. A great fisherman suplex by LaRiche, but pinfalls do not matter. LaRiche now going to the anklelock. That's a submission maneuver, but submissions do not matter.
Heenan: Only getting naked matters.
Marv: And ATM stripping the pants off of Francine to the delight of the crowd.
Springer: The crowd looking for a very close match, probably decided by one piece of clothing.
Pepe: Hey, I go around naked all the time. Mongo made me wear clothes because I turned his wife on too much.
Marv: ATM a belly to belly suplex.
Heenan: More liek a chest to chest suplex if you ask me. Francine's at a huge disadvantage in this match. ATM's got a greter height, greater weight, greater reach, greater cupsize.
Marv: ATN strips the tuxedo top off of Francine. revealing a vest.
Heenan: This looks like a riot in a dyke bar.
Springer: Well, you don't usually see these women in as much clothing as they have on now.
Marv: ATM beating on francine in the corner.
Heenan: An dey have gone ta clubberin now. excuse me. Thought I was on the Texican broadcast table for a second.
Marv: ATM with the sleeperhold. The SLEEPERHOLD! I never expected to see that in this match.
Heenan: Well, think about it a minute. She puts the girl to sleep. She rips all her clothes off. She wins the match, and she has her way with her. Hey it works for me.
Springer: Bobby, that's date rape.
Heenan: It is? Well, at least I'm not biting my dates like Albert over here.
Marv: ATM continuing with the sleeper. Francine struggling to try and get out of it, and ATM RIPS the vest off of Francine. And ATM now with the claw to the groin of Francine.
Springer: ATM LaRiche is putting Francine Fournier through some serious torture here.
Heenan: And Francine is half naked already, and LaRiche has barely lost a polkadot.
Marv: ATM LaRiche going to a combination groin claw and breast claw from behind, and Francine in a lot of pain.
Springer: well, this is actually the essence of catfighting. Not so much a wrestling match as sexual torture.
Heenan: People when they see ATM LaRiche expect a lot of t and a because of her style. But anytime's she's wrestled, she's usually thoroughly tortured her opponent. remember Robert Wallace Eddy at Smog Wild. Remember FunkyM. she's very experienced in the Taskmistress' dungeon. They spent day and night torturing each other just to get off.
Marv: LaRiche tires of this, goes for the SPINE BUSTER!
Heenan: That's one of the nastiest-looking spinebusters in the history of our sport. The snap, the force of it, the overall total reckless abandon with which she threw this move still stands out in my mind.
Marv: LaRiche has ripped off the blouse of Francine Fournier. LaRiche up to the top turnbuckle, high risk maneuver, swandive headbutt MISSES!!!!
Heenan: She MISSES!!!! And ATM LaRiche has Excedrin headache number #56.
Marv: Both combatants are down, and they can lay there forever. Remember, they have to strip each other to win. We have just received this word. In the title match tonight between the Bitch Foundation and Da Family, there will be TWO special refrees, THE LEGION OF DOOM!!!!
Heenan: THE LEGION OF DOOM!!!!
Marv: I kid you not. The LEGION OF DOOM will referee our main event. Slowly, Francine crawling over to ATM LaRiche. Francine is undressing LaRiche. She takes off the vest from LaRiche.
Springer: This crowd is going absolutely NUTS!!!!
Marv: She takes off the pants of ATM LaRiche. She takes off the polkadot panties of ATM LaRiche.
Springer: ATM is naked from the bottom down except for her boots.
Marv: Francine with an arm wringer now on Lariche.
Springer: This is the first offense we've seen from Francine. And Francine rips off ATM's vest.
Marv: Now Francine takes ATM into a full-arm-drag and a twist!
Heenan: Wait a minute. what's the difference.
Pepe: Your ignorance of wrestling maneuvers has me want to deliver a superbly delivered shooting-star press followed by a nicely-executed northern lights suplex on your flabby ass!
Marv: If you're blind out there, Francine is in her boots, halter and panties. ATM LaRiche's in a blouse, boots and NO panties, and ATM a rake to the face. NORTHERN-LIGHTS SUPLEX by the American Dream!
Heenan: The first Northern Lights Suplex from a bottomless wrestler I've ever seen. Now would be a good time to remind people of the old wives tale.
Springer: What's that.
Heenan: About masturbation causing blindness.
Marv: Sidewalk slam by LaRiche, and LaRiche pulls the boots off of Francine Fournier.
Heenan: The boots count.
Marv: They certainly do. Now, the poke to the eye by Francine, a furious combination of right and left jabs by Francine, and FRANCINE BITES LARICHE IN THE BARE ASS!!!!!!! GOD I LOVE THAT GIRL! She strips the blouse off of LaRiche, and a rake of the fingernails in the back.
Heenan: You have no idea how much that hurts.
Marv: Oh, yes I do, Bobby Heenan. And both combatants now.
Heenan: Fo fisties a-clubberin'.
Marv; a shot to the belly-welly, if you will, by Francine.
Pepe: And she's a wobbleating.
Marv: And OFF COMES LARICHE'S TOP!!! YYYYYESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Heenan: WHOOP! There it is! For all you out there in T.V. land.
Pepe: I should point out that ATM has her boots on.
Heenan: She is naked for everything except her wrestling boots. God, I've never seen anything like this in my life.
Marv: Well, I HAVE!!!!! I am wetting my panties over this. Francine goes outside and gets the grill, and she CLOBBERS LARICHE with the grill.
Heenan: Now THIS is what a call the shank of the evening.
Marv: Francine gets the grill in the corner, and Francine WHIPS LARICHE into the grill face first.
Heenan: Don't wanna spoil those good looks now.
Marv: And now Francine takes one boot off ATM. And she takes the other boot off. FRANCINE WINS! FRANCINE WINS!!!!!!
-
DING DING DING
-
(Perfect Strangers-Deep Purple)
-
Jenny McCarthy: The winner of this match, FRANCINE "THE FRANCHISE" FOURNIER!!!!!!!!!!
-
Marv: Francine is the winner of the Tuxedo match, and ATM LaRiche is kneeling in the corner naked as a jaybird. And believe it or not Sunny wants the mic.
-
Sunny: Thank you, thank you. And now, I want to share, with the entire world of wrestling, a letter written to me by a fan. It reads:
Dear Tammy:
I'm a huge fan of yours. I am a 28 year old male who loves watching you whenever you appear on Raw and other WWF programming. You are, without a doubt the most beautiful woman on the face of the Earth.
I believe in miracles, you sexy thing. I want to caress your white, silky body as we make beautiful music together in the comfort of a luxury suite. I plan on going to Boston for Wrestlemania. Email me and maybe we can make arrangements to meet up. We could go out for
coffee -- I heard there's a lot of good coffee houses in the greater Boston Area.
Please don't discount me as just another "mark" fan. I have a Masters in English, love writing poetry, and sitting by the fire next to a beautiful lady. I am very romantic to say the least. I want you to have the opportunity to feel the esctasy that is Ted Burton.
Hope to hear from you soon!
Sincerely yours,
Ted Burton
Sunny: Now of course, Ted, I admire your guts for sending me such a message. First you risk the taunts of the RSPWers and secondly it is a one in a million chance you would get anywhere
near Sunny. As much as your post warmed my heart....... I still wouldn't piss on your
head if your hair was on fire. HAHAHAHHA!!!!!!! Now this guy REALLY needs help. This guy has to be the dumbest fuck on the internet. This guy has really got to pull his head out of his ass. I bet this guy looks like the guy that runs the comic book store in the Simpsons. Ted, it sounds like YOU'RE the one "feeling the esctasy that is Ted Burton". Haha!!!!! What a moron, and it was my pleasure to embarass the fucking HELL out of you.
-
Heenan: God, I love that woman!
Marv: That WAS a bit cruel.
Heenan: You gotta love a woman who can deliver a put down like that. Warms the cockles of my heart.
-
-
Chris Filbey: I'm here with Kelly Vaters the women's champion, that was quite a match, wasn't it.
Kelly Vaters: Yeah, right. A bimboish woman who feels the need to artificially infliate her tits so nubile teenagers can drool over her.
Filbey: This is your stablemate.
Vaters: I don't give a damn. Not even Chyna can be left alone as she is, as unique as she was. Now, she's like all of the other things hanging around outside the ring, or worse: an Amazon built like any sophomoric sadist's rebellious bottom, meant to be forced into subjugation. I hope that, someday, these promoters will get over their collective mid-life crises and stop insisting that the "women of wrestling" look like Barbie dolls. With misogynistic attitudes
like those of Vince, Eric and Paul Heyman, it's little wonder that women's wrestling has been near death for years. Professional wrestling in the past ten years has been one of the last bastions of hatred against women. Chyna's new physique, bought and paid for, is proof of this. I just pray to God they don't get to the Taskmistress like this.
-
-
******************************************************************
Six Person Tag -
John Henry, Chad Bryant and Kelly Vaters
vs. Pete The King Of Flame, Strength Rollins, and Max JD Day
******************************************************************
-
(The Flame - Cheap Trick)
-
Jenny McCarthy: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and it is a six person tag match. Introducing at this time, a total combined weight of 610 pounds, from the Troll World Order, here are the RSPWWCW Intergender Champion Max The Ax JD Day, Double X Strength Rollins, and Pete the King Of The Flame Panaro.
Marv: The Troll World Order, giddy as they come to the ring. We have learned that a match for the Extreme Championship has been signed tonight for Weaselmania in Pasadena. Strength Rollins will challenge "The Sexiest Woman Alive" Nicole Bass for the RSPWWCW Extreme Championship at Weaselmania!
Heenan: These three have been dogging Henry, Bryant and Vaters all over the internet for a couple of months, culminating in a serious beat down during the RSPW Olympic Games. Maybe tonight, they'll settle something in the ring. These six hate each other. It's gonna be good!
-
Speaker: T-T-T-T-TROLL WORLD ORDER........
-
(Criminal - Fiona Apple)
-
Jenny McCarthy: And coming down the ramp at this time, they are memebrs of the Bitch World Order's Integrity Society. At a total combined weight of 663 pounds, here are the RSPWWCW World Heavyweight Champion JOHN THE NET.BASTARD HENRY, the RSPWWCW Women's Champion Kelly Vaters, and The Shooter Chad Bryant.
John Henry: GENIUS NEVER SLEEPS, BABY!!!!!
Heenan: John Henry, exhibiting classic alpha-male wannabe behavior, picking a fight with someone out of the blue. How many times will he be allowed to instigate personal flamewars with people? You're really a jackass John.
Marv: You really hate John Henry that much?
Heenan: He thinks that you can say things like that about people's mothers that you don't even
know, all in the name of usenet protocol? He's just as low as all the flamers he constantly fights with. You can keep hiding behind RSPW, John, but nobody likes you anymore. They see you for what you are. A troller/flamer, just like everybody else. People with "class" don't talk about people's mothers that way John.
-
DING DING DING
-
Marv: They go right after each other, as Vaters is clotheslined by Max Day, and another clothesline misses, as Vaters springboards off the middle rope into a Kellycanrana on Max Day. she hits another rana, and then a dropkick. Kelly celebrates, and Max floors her.
Heenan: Hey, are there any nudes of Kelly Vaters around?
Marv: I don't know, Brain. I'd sure like to find some. Strength Rollins gets tagged in, and he misses an elbow drop. Vaters tags in Bryant. And Rollins runs the ropes, leapfrog by Bryant, another leapfrog by Bryant. Leapfrog by Rollins. Bryant hip tosses Rollins and dropkicks him, and in comes John Henry. Bryant dropkicks rollins into a Henry clothesline. And Henry takes down Rollins with a TIGER Driver!!!!!
Springer: John Henry is supposed to be a corporate officer at BellSouth from what I hear.
Heenan; Well, if he works for the phone company, no wonder I don't like him.
Marv: One, two, broken up by Max and Pete. Now Max and Pete whip Henry to the rope, and a double clothesline by the Troll World Order. Collin Kenny is refereeing this match.
Pepe: Oh, oh. You know what that means.
Marv: Now, Strength Rollins whips Henry to the ropes, where John Henry catches a Pete Panaro boot.
Heenan: Pete told me the origins of his feud with John Henry. Pete fisted him once, and he hasn't gotten over it yet.
Marv: In tags Pete Panaro the King of Flame. And Pete knife-edges John Henry, then Mafia kicks him in the opposite corner.
Springer: You know, there may be children watching this program.
Heenan: well, if there are, they've seen ATM LaRiche naked tonight.
Marv: Panero goes for an avalanche, but misses. Both tag out. And now Chad Bryant is taking care of all the Trolls. And MAX gets hit with an enzugiri, and now all six combatants go at it.
Heenan: We've got a real slobberknocker here. This is utter chaos.
Springer: THIS is the kind of action I just love to see.
Marv: It's now Rollins and Bryant. Bryant goes for a leapfrop, but he gets caught and slammed down in a Michinoku Driver. 1, 2, and Henry breaks it up.
Springer: Meanwhile on the outside, Pete Panero takes Kelly Vaters and sends her head first into the steel steps, and knocks her flat out!
Marv: In the ring a belly to belly suplex by Rollins, and an Ankle Submission move. Let's see if Chad Bryant gives up. John Henry breaks it up. And Max JD Day with an axhandle, and oh oh.
Heenan: John Henry turned around, and now he grabs Max.
Marv: He sends Max flying into the opposite corner RIGHT INTO THE REFEREEE!!!! Henry sent Max right into referee Collin Kenny, and Kenny falls out of the ring, and Kenny is lying in a pool of his own blood.
Springer: OH MY GOD!!!!! THEY KILLED KENNY!!!!
Pepe: YOU BASTARDS!!!!!
-
Marv: Strength Rollins with a Crippler Crossface on Chad Bryant. There is no referee. John Henry in a tangle with Max, puts the boots to Max, and then gives Max a swinging neckbreaker. Meanwhile, Kelly Vaters gets draped on the ring steps, and Pete jumps across her.
Heenan: That may have permanently injured her back.
Marv: Henry starts to come back with a springboard cross body, rollins catches him. BULLDOG BY STRENGTH ROLLINS!!!!
Heenan: Now Pete the King Of Flame is going to the top. He goes right into Henry's arms, and Henry SLAMS down Pete the King Of Flame.
Marv: And Strength Rollins knocks down Henry with a short arm clothesline. A whip to the corner by Rollins to a Max JD Day boot.
Heenan: Here comes Jeff Jones to call this match.
Marv: Strength rollins taking Henry up in the corner, as max continues to pound on him. Strength Rollins....
Heenan: If he hits this, it's over....
Marv: ROLLINS SUPERPLEXED HENRY!!!!!
Heenan: He pulled it off!!!!
Marv: And Max dropkicks Chad Bryant. Two, three, and Pete Panaro spin kicks Kelly vaters off the apron back onto the steps.
-
(Bitter Sweet Symphony-The Verve)
-
Heenan: Total and utter domination of the Troll World Order, of John Henry, Kelly Vaters, and Chad Bryant. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new force in RSPW!!!!! ANd THEY....are the Troll World Order.
Marv: I am forced to agree with you, a devastating series of events for the Integrity Society, who gets totally wiped out here at Unkillfiled.
Pete: I'm just TOOOOSAWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTT!!!! Even John henry gives me props and he hates me. AHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!!!! And WHY do the pro-mods fear Pete the King Of Flame?
Marv: I think a lot of people are going to be feariing the TWO from now on. They have proved somebody, Strength Rollins with a pin on the Heavyweight Champion of the World. Max JD Day winning the Intergender Championship from Scott Keith.
Heenan: This team is going places in RSPW. I'm tellin' ya.
Marv: And we have a commotion up here. What is this? Good day, gentlemen....
-
Eric Bischoff: MARRRVVVVVVV. MARVELOUS MARV ALBERT!!!! I JUST LOVE YOU, DUDE!!! And I tell youi what. Since I just love you SOOOOOO much, and you are THE MAN!!!! I'm giving you the next match off. Because this is a little NWO family business.
Marv: Okay, I'd be more than happy to see if The American Dream ATM LaRiche needs any help finds her clothes.
Heenan: Hey, I'll help out, too.
Eric: Heenan. You stay here.
Heenan: Yes, Mr. Bischoff.
Springer: We have two more guys coming up here, and these are not NWO guys. These are the Perfect Canadians Maritimer and Deadshot. ANd I'm getting out of here I can feel the hostility.
Maritimer: Hey, Jerry. Be sure to take the MUTT with you.
Deadshot: Yeah. Before we powerbomb him throught the table.
Pepe: Hey, I'm leaving. I'm calling the ACLU. And the SPCA on you guys.
Maritimer: Aw, stick a fajita in it, Pepe!
-
*********************************************************
Rob Blake and Theoren Fleury of the Calgary Flames
vs. Mike Malecki and a mystery partner
*********************************************************
-
(Oh Canada)
-
Jenny McCarthy: The next match is a special grudge tag team match. First, coming to the ring, accompanied by the Blake Empire, He is a winger for the Calgary Flames, Theo Fluery. His partner and Current RSPWWCW World TV champion, he is the leader of the Blake Empire, ROB BLAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-
(Blake coming down the ramp with Fleury both dressed in Calgary Flames jerseys.)
-
Maritimer: Even though I am a Canadian, I hope Malecki kicks the living shit out of Blake and Theo Fleury. This guy gives Canadians a bad name.
Deadshot: I hated him in Perfection Personified and hate him even more in the Blake
Empire.
Heenan: I know what you mean, Mr. Maritimer and Mr. Deadshot. The man is a disgrace to Canada. and when was the last time Theo Fluery ever won a Stanley Cup?
Eric Bischoff: Just another has been, playing for a hasbeen team.
-
(The Chase-Giorgio Moroder)
-
Jenny McCarthy: Their opponents, coming down to the ring. He is a former RSPWWCW heavyweight champion of the world, Mike Malecki.
Eric Bischoff: Let’s see how good he will be without the N.W.O. behind him. The only way he became champion was due to the fact that the N.W.O. was aligned with him. Without us he is nothing. Malecki makes his way to the ring, jumps in and goes face to face with Blake.
Maritimer: Where is his mystery partner.
Deadshot: Don’t tell me he’s going to take on the whole Blake Empire alone.
-
Blake: I see you have come alone Mike. The N.W.O. wanted nothing to do with you and left your sorry ass to us.
Eric: Damn right.
Blake: But I respect you Mike. In fact, I will give you one more chance to join the Blake Empire. All you have to do is walk out of this ring and forfeit the match. Then you will be part of Da Family.
-
Heenan: Malecki takes out his own mike.
Malecki: I just have 2 words to say to you, SUCK IT.
Blake: Well then who is you mystery partner? It’s not the N.W.O., right?
Malecki: No, not them.
Blake: Is it anyone from the Bitch World Order?
Malecki: No, not them either.
Blake: Maybe it’s one of those 2 losers at the announcers table.
(pointing to the Perfect Canadians)
-
(Both Maritimer and Deadshot stand up and start yelling at Blake.)
Malecki: It’s not either one of them.
Blake: In fact I don’t think you have a partner at all. Nobody in RSPWWCW wants to wrestle with you. And anyone that would is too scared to wrestle the Blake Empire.
Malecki: I just have one thing to say to you Blake.
Blake: And what’s that?
Malecki: Riddle my ears, riddle my eyes, you dear Blake are in for a big surprise.
-
(With that the lights go out in the arena for about 10 seconds. A spotlight appears both in the ring and at the entrance way. A shadowy figure steps at from the curtain as the music starts to play Funeral For A Friend by Elton John. The crowd goes into a wild frenzy as the En4cer reveals himself to Blake, dressed still in the black leather jacket carrying a hockey stick in his right hand, wearing the old time hockey goalie mask and giving the triple threat sign.
Maritimer: It’s the En4cer. I don’t believe it. These guys were inseparable last year.
Deadshot: It looks like he’s still suffering from the effects of the electrified steel cage match from earlier this year. I know I still have some burn marks from it. En4cer climbs
into the ring as Blake hides behind the Blake Empire.
Blake: You can’t have him as your partner. He’s some sort of disfigured hideous freak.
-
En4cer: (speaking for the first time since the cage match) Blake, Riddle me that, riddle me this, take this mask and give it a kiss. With that En4cer rips off his mask and reveals....no scars.
Eric: He wasn’t disfigured at all.
Deadshot: What a psychological game he has been playing with Blake.
Eric: And he hits Blake in the face with the mask. The ref calls for the bell as the whole Blake Empire leaves the ring.
Maritimer: Running like the chickens that they are.
Eric: The ref is calling for them to enter the ring. En4cer waiting for them. Blake sends in Fleury. En4cer tags in Malecki. Fluery tags Blake. Malecki tags En4cer. Blake tags Fluery right back.
Deadshot: This match could go on forever if it stays like this.
Eric: En4cer locks up with Fleury and pushes him back into the corner.
Maritimer: He’s pointing at Blake and motioning for him to get into the ring.
Deadshot: I wouldn’t do that if I were you Blake.
Eric: Fleury runs at En4cer and gets hit with a clothesline doing a 360. En4cer picks up Fleury by the hair, grabs him around the neck and gives him a snap suplex. Now he drops an elbow on him and again and again.
Deadshot: It will be a quick match if this keeps up.
Eric: En4cer tags in Malecki. Malecki drops down with an arm bar on Fleury. FunkyM is distracting the ref and Blake with an elbow to Malecki’s head. Fleury gets up tags Blake as the ref turns around. Blake now goes to work on Malecki. He picks him up from behind and delivers a devastating reverse atomic drop. Now a drop kick to the back of the head that sends Malecki into Blakes corner face first.
Maritimer: Definitely the wrong place to be.
Eric: Blake starts arguing with the ref. as Fleury, Playboy Ronnie D., and FunkyM start pounding Malecki to the ground. Malecki getting back up and a low blow by Suicide Blonde.
Deadshot: Even I felt that.
Eric: Blake with a running start and jumps into Malecki in the corner. He climbs the rope and starts pounding him in the head.
-
(Crowd 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10)
-
Heenan: Malecki dazed and obviously doesn’t know where he is.
Eric: Blake taunting En4cer as the ref pushes him back to his corner.
Maritimer: You can just see the hate coming from his eyes for Blake.
Eric: The ref still trying to get En4cer back into his corner as The Blake Empire goes to town on Malecki. Playboy Ronnie D. holding him as Fleury takes his hockey stick and spears him in the gut. Now a slash to the face and he crosschecks him in the head.
Deadshot: that’s 6 minutes in penalties so far.
Eric: Blake tags in Fleury. Fleury to the top rope. He’s going for the flying elbow and En4cer hits the rope causing Fleury to land like the letter v in the corner.
Maritimer: Malecki needs to tag in En4cer.
Eric: Malecki crawling over to the outstretched hand of En4cer, Blake tags Fleury, runs over and hits En4cer with an elbow. The ref keeping En4cer out of the ring as Blake drags Malecki back into the corner. He tags in Fleury who gives Malecki a head butt with En4cer's mask. Malecki falls to the ground.
Deadshot: I think I hear the fat lady singing.
Eric: Fleury tags in Blake. Blake going for the sharpshooter and Malecki with a small package. 1,2, he kicks out. Blake picks up Malecki and delivers a power bomb.
Maritimer: He’s strutting around the ring, taunting En4cer again. He should cover him up.
Eric: Now he’s hamming it up with FunkyM and Playboy Ronnie D. Blake climbing to the top rope, Points to En4cer, jumps with a flying leg drop and Malecki moves.
Deadshot: Where did he get the energy from?
Eric: Blake on the ground as Malecki slowly makes his way to the corner. Blake staggering to
his feet, reaches for Malecki just as he tags in En4cer.
Maritimer: Here we go.
Eric: Blake drops to his knees pleading for En4cer to leave him alone. En4cer picks him up by his hair and gives him a right to the face. He whips Blake into the ropes and gives him a big boot to the face. Now he whips him into the corner. Here it comes, the En4cer splash.
Deadshot: It’s all over for Blake now.
Eric: And here comes the N.W.O. they’re arguing with the ref as the Blake Empire enters the ring. In comes Ronnie D. And right out he goes. Now FunkyM thrown over the ropes. Now Fleury with the hockey stick going after the En4cer. Suicide Blonde tries to get him from behind but Malecki grabs her by the hair and rubs her face in his crotch.
Maritimer: I think I’d rather have Kim Wright's face there instead of her.
Eric: The whole Blake Empire has left the ring as Malecki and En4cer stands in the middle. We could be looking at a new force here. Wait, En4cer with the En4cer death drop on Malecki. In comes Da Family.
Maritimer: A double cross. En4cer and Blake set up Malecki. I don’t believe it.
Eric: Well when you leave the N.W.O. you have no-one to cover your back. The ref still
distracted by the N.W.O. as the Blake Empire celebrates in the ring. Blake taunting Malecki on the ground.
Deadshot: En4cer to the Blake Empire might make them rival even the Bitch World Order
as the strongest faction in RSPWWCW.
Eric: Wait, En4cer has got Suicide Blonde by the hair. En4cer Deathdrop!!!
Heenan: YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!
Eric: FunkyM turns around and sees Suicide Blonde out cold on the mat. En4cer with the En4cer deathdrop on FunkyM.
Maritimer: Is this a double double cross?
Eric: Not the same to Playboy Ronnie D. and Theo Fleury as Blake is still taunting Malecki.
Deadshot: He has no clue what is going on behind him.
Eric: En4cer picks up Blake from behind by the hair, grabs him around the neck, gives the triple threat sign and En4cer deathdrop on Blake. Now he puts on his own version of the sharpshooter.
Maritimer: the En4cer deathlock?
Eric: Blake crying out as the ref turns around and sees the hold applied. The ref. signaling for the bell. En4cer not breaking the hold though.
Deadshot: I think he’s trying to kill him.
-
Jenny McCarthy: The winners of this match, Mike Malecki and En4cer.
-
Heenan: Bischoff's gone to the ring. En4cer still not breaking the hold. Here come the N.W.O. into the ring as En4cer breaks it finally. En4cer staring at the N.W.O.....
Buff Bagwell: We want nothing to do with you, it’s Malecki we want.
Eric: Just stand aside En4cer and let us take care of family business.
Deadshot: He’s standing over Malecki and is not letting the N.W.O. come near him. The N.W.O. leaving the ring.
Eric: We’ll get him another day.
Heenan: Are they going? Are they really going?
Maritimer: Yeah, they're really going. But we're staying.
Deadshot: We wanna see the Trampmistress and Dumfuck get there asses whipped. Although we don't like their opponents either.
Maritimer: Maybe they'll kill each other.
-
*************************************************************************
RSPWWCW Tag Team Championship
The Bitch Foundation
(Alex The Hitman Demchuk and The Taskmistress Liz Michael)
vs. Da Family
(FunkyM and Playboy Ronnie Deschenes, the Olympic Gold Medal winners)
*************************************************************************
-
Jenny McCarthy: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!! THIS IS THE MAIN EVENT at RSPWWCW UNKILLFILED!!! From the Corestates Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Are you ready????????
Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!
Jenny McCarthy: Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready?
Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!
Jenny: This match is scheduled for one fall, with a 60 minute time limit, and it is for the RSPWWCW WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!! But first, let's introduce the referees for this match.
-
(Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!! What a Rrrrruuuuuusssssshhhhhhh!!!!!!!)
-
(LOD Theme)
-
(Crowd goes nuts.)
-
Jenny: Ladies and gentlemen, the special guest referees for our main event, ERIC LINDROS and JOHN LECLAIR, THE LEGION OF DOOM!!!!!!!!
-
(Crowd goes absolutely fucking nuts. Lindross and LeClair are dressed in their black Flyers third jerseys.)
-
Marv Albert: The roar is deafening. I was expecting Hawk and Animal, but this is a more impressive Legion of Doom in my opinion.
Heenan: Doing a hell of a lot better than the Rangers.
Marv: Don't rub it in.
-
(Gettin' Jiggy Wit It-Will Smith)
-
Jenny: Introducing the challengers, from Ottawa Ontario Canada, a total combined weight of 379 pounds, here are Da Family, Playboy Ronnie Deschenes, and FUNKYM!!!!!!!
-
(Deschenes and FunkyM are wearing Senators' jerseys.)
-
Crowd: OTTAWA SUCKS!!!! OTTAWA SUCKS!!!! OTTAWA SUCKS!!!! OTTAWA SUCKS!!!! OTTAWA SUCKS!!!!
Marv: The crowd showing their vocal disapproval of Da Family.
Heenan: They picked the right song, a Will Smith song. But dem jerseys don't go over in Philly.
FunkyM: FunkyM got his masters in biophysics at Queen's and is now working there as a teacher's aide. No, actually FunkyM dropped out of preschool and now works as a toilet cleaner at a local strip club.
Ronnie Deschenes: Kussen Sie Meinen Hinderteil!
Heenan: Where does he think he is, Germantown?
Marv: You know Liz Michael WENT to Germantown High?
Heenan: You mean she wasn't clean and sober?
-
(Hart Foundation Theme)
-
Jenny: And their opponents, at a total combined weight of 476 pounds, they are the RSPWWCW WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, ALEX THE HITMAN DEMCHUK, THE TASKMISTRESS LIZ MICHAEL, they are the BITCH FOUNDATION!!!!!!!!!!!!
-
(Liz is wearing Barry Ashbee's Flyer jersey.)
-
Marv: And Liz Michael and Alex Demchuk getting a rousing ovation, and she's wearing the home jersey of the late Barry Ashbee, number 4.
Maritimer: That's just a ploy to the crowd. She's from LA, man!!!
Marv: She was born and raised in Philadelphia, Maritimer.
Maritimer: Not that I particualrly BLAME her for leaving this hellhole.
Heenan: You are really making friends and influencing people aren't you?
Deadshot; They wouldn't even BE the tag team champions if we were back in action.
Marv: Yes. I understand that Maritimer has had to have some of that minor knee surgery that's going around.
-
DING DING DING DING
-
FunkyM: Dats not fair. She tryin' ta play up to da referee. Aw, man, this is a setup. SET UP!!!
Marv: Lindross and LeClair patting down the wrestlers.
Heenan: There's Lindross trying to feel up the Taskmistress.
Marv: Well, she's letting him.
Maritimer: Hey. He's rich and she's a skank whore slut.
Marv: Will you cut that out. Da Family in red. Black with pink for the Bitch Foundation. Easy D. to start along with the Hitman Alex Demchuk. Demchuk works on Deschenes, and tags to Liz who NAILS Easy D. with Sweet Bitch Music, 1, 2, and FunkyM breaks it up.
Heenan: And Liz Michael grabs FunkyM, who is pleading for mercy. Deschenes gets up and hits the Taskmistress with an axhandle chop.
Marv: Here comes Alex Demchuk. LeClair tries to stop him, and Alex Demchuk just BOWLS OVER JOHN LECLAIR!!!!
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Heenan: Quickest I've ever seen the crowd turn.
Marv: Double Russian leg sweep on Easy D. Ronnie Deschenes. And now LeClair and Lindross giving the business to the Bitch Foundation.
Heenan: And Liz Michael RIGHT IN THE FACE of Eric Lindross! I can't believe it.
Marv: Bitch Foundation showing no fear of two of the toughest hockey players in the game today.
Deadshot: The Bitch Foundation has no respect for authority whatsoever. they make the rules as they go along.
Marv: Easy D. wants to tag in FunkyM, who doesn't want in yet. So it's Ronnie Deschenes and Liz Michael. Michael a surprise off the ropes with the crossbody, gets a two-count. Both wrestlers running the ropes. They collide in the center of the ring and lay flat on the canvas.
Heenan: Next week on Rawnitro and Thunder. We'll be coming from Parts Unknown. The Taskmistress Liz Michael, the baddest woman on the planet, takes on the Net.cop traitor Scott Keith, in a Falls Count Anywhere in Hell match. Conn MacKintosh faces Mattie Carrington. Alex Demchuk takes on Broken Hearts. And just signed. Bob Barnett the African Dream, takes on the Mangler.
Marv: That's next week on Rawnitro and Thunder, on the road to Weaselmania tour. Liz Michael and Ronnie Deschenes up, and Michael ANOTHER superkick, and here comes FunkyM!
Heenan: And Liz has him up.
Marv: Michael is gonna gorilla press slam FunkyM OUT OF THE RING INTO THE FRONT ROW OF SEATS!!!!
Heenan: How did she do that? She's not human!
Deadshot: I know. I know. It's that damned Kilingon blood of hers. At least that explains why her face looks funny.
Marv: Michael nails Deschenes in the chops and sends him to the outside. Demchuk follows up outside, sending Easy D. into the ring steps.
Easy D. attempts to grabs the Taskmistress, and Demchuk nails the Playboy with a low blow.
Michael pushes Deschenes back in the ring, makes the tag to Alex Demchuk. Demchuk responds with the DDT. Now Easy D. gets caught in the neckbreaker. And Da Family is in a lot of trouble.
Heenan: He needs to make the tag to FunkyM.
Marv: Demchuk the tag to Michael, does a backflip to deliver the Springboard Moonsault for a 2 1/2 count on Easy D.
Marv: Michael a whip into the corner. Now Michael takes down Deschenes via a Hurricanrana.
Heenan: FunkyM kicks Liz in the behind.
Marv: And Liz Michael a DEVASTATING LARIAT of FunkyM over the ropes.
Marv: Deschenes slugs Michael, but Michael able to tag out to Demchuk. The tag team champions getting frequent tags as opposed to Da Family. Demchuk lariats Deschenes, and now DEMCHUK PUTS RONNIE DESCHENES IN THE CRIPPLER CROOSFACE!!!!
Heenan: This could be over!!!!
Marv: here comes FunkyM a boot to the head of Demchuk.
Maritimer: Watch out!!!
Marv: MICHAEL THE SWEET BITCH MUSIC ON FUNKYM DRIVES FUNKYM INTO NEXT SUNDAY!!!!!!!
Deadshot: And now Liz scratches Ronnie Ddeschenes' back with the fingernails.
Marv: Lindross ushering Michael back to her corner. Now Demchuk comes over and tags in Liz Michael. Michael a legdrop, covers Deschenes.
Heenan: WHOA!!!!!!!
Marv: FunkyM off the top and HE HITS RONNIE DESCHENES!!!!!!
Maritimer: Liz moved.
Deadshot: Liz and Alex are anticipating Da Family's every move it seems.
Marv: Now Michael has FunkyM between her legs, and a JACKNIFE POWERBOMB OF FUNKYM!!!!!!
Maritiemr: INCREDIBLE!!!!
Marv: Now Michael and Deschenes continue to struggle. Continue to grapple. And Michael kicking at easy D.'s knee. Liz Michael working on the knee of Playboy Ronnie Deschenes, who has not tagged out for thiis whole match, and a sit down slam by the Taskmistress. with Ronnie D. in the center of the ring.
Heenan: Are we gonna see it.
Deadshot: SHARPSHOOTER!
Marv: Liz Michael has the sharpshooter on Ronnie Deschenes. Lindross asks him. But Ronnie D. says no. And FunkyM in with a RAKE OF THE FACE of the Taskmistress to make the save of Ronnie D.
Heenan: FunkyM taking over, with knife edged chops to the Taskmistress.
Marv: FunkyM taking control of Liz Michael. It should be pointed ouyt Funky is still not the legal man, and OHMIGOD!!!!!!!!!
FunkyM: OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Marv: LIZ MICHAEL WITH THE AMAZON DEATH GRIP! LIZ MICHAEL with the AMAZON DEATH GRIP to the lower groinal area of FunkyM. Meanwhile, Den=mchuk out of the ring, crotches Ronnie D. into the ringpost, and he's gonna put the Figure Four around the ringpost on him.
Heenan: But they're switched off against the wrong opponents.
Marv: SOMEBODY'S JUMPED ON THE APRON AND PUT A NECKBREAKER ON THE TASKMISTRESS!!!!!
Heenan: THAT'S SCOTT KEITH!!!!
-
DING DING DING DING
-
Marv: Eric Lindross has thrown this match out.
Heenan: Another RSPWWCW screwjob!
Marv: Alex Demchuk still putting the Figure Four on Easy D. Here comes Blake. Blake breaks up the Figure Four by stomping on the face of the Hitman.
Heenan: Here comes the Bitch World Order.
Marv: As Blake drags FunkyM out of the ring. Blake holding up FunkyM along with Dawn Bobby, aka Suicide Blonde. They all back away from the Bitch World Order.
Heenan: why's suicide Blonde wearing pink and black?
Marv: She has a web page called Men in Pink and Black, so I guess she is advertising that page. Suicide Blonde between Blake and FunkyM encouraging them to hold up their hands.
Heenan: And they do.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Marv: Jerry Springer, you have any final thoughts?
Jerry Springer: Yes, I do, Marv. what are we to make of this sport, which glorifies violence and thuggery. Some say....
Heenan: OHMIGOD!!!!! WHAT DID SUICIDE BLONDE DO?
Maritimer: Suicide Blonde hit Blake and FunkyM in the nuts from behind.
Marv: And she CLOTHESLINES THEM DOWN!!!!!! I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!!! I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
Springer: And now the Taskmistress, along with ATM LaRiche, Kim Wright, and Alex Demchuk are stomping the bejesus out of the prone Blake and FunkyM. Their own valet has turned on them.
Marv: And now Suicide Blonde gives a big hug and kiss to Alex the Hitman Demchuk.
Heenan: Suicide Blonde has joined the Men In Pink And Black. And the Women in Pink and Black. Suicide Blonde is a Bitch!!!!!!
Deadshot: You can't trust those damn dirty Americans. I knew Suicide Blond was gonna be trouble from the start for the Blake Empire.
END OF SHOW
Copyright 1998 Mary Flash Productions
All Rights Reserved