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Hello Ryan. You should always check this site before you update it. Any changes I make will be overwritten when you update it. As you can see, April 19 is gone. If you'd like to keep the changes or anything I put on it, lemme know and I'll fix it for you. Just wanted to tell you I love you. ;)

J miscarried Sunday evening. I'm terribly worried about her since this is her second miscarriage and I gather that this is a very traumatic emotional/physical event (as it should be.) And although it wasn't planned, it was something that I wanted in my life. I hope God watches over her since my familiarity with human compassion is sorely lacking. I'm not making excuses for anything, I just realize that I'm not naturally the most comforting/re-assuring/ Rock Of Gibralter type person and I wish that was not the case.

I am EXTREMELY nervous/excited concerning boot camp in June. I don't feel ready at all, but can't wait to get it out of the way so I can progress further in the Navy. There are just so many opportunities opening up to me that I just want to do it all. Did I mention my trip to Everett? I don't think so. A short weekend trip to Naval Station Everett, the most signifigant event being a tour on the only ship there at the moment; U.S.S. Ford, a Perry-class frigate. Let me tell you, I wanted to be left on that ship. It felt like I walked back into the womb. I didn't expect to be impressed with a 30-year old ship, so the whole experience really surprised me.

Hmmm...been awhile since I've looked at this. Been busy with.....things. I've been in a trance all day, well, just for the portion of the day that I was interacting with people. I parked downtown on the street, I had plenty of change for the meter and fed it well, I did what I had to do. When I returned to my lovable car, and found a parking ticket! Guess what? I fed the wrong meter, the guy parked behind me gained an extra hour of time thanks to me. It should be a law that no-one steps out thier door without strong, nerve-tingling espresso coursing through thier veins.

There is a girl. I have no wish to write only about my romantic entanglments so I've really put it off. The Girl is lovely and amazing. The Girl is most probably pregnant due to me. I feel equal parts terror and excitment with this news. The Girl could easily become the Missus, but it would ease my nerves if everything hadn't happened so blindingly fast. This situation could turn out beautifuly...or of course end in a fiery crash but who knows at this point? I certainly don't.

Ryan is silly. He should not write anything without letting it dissapate in his mind and gain perspective with a little time. Flakiness is a sign of this. Pay no heed to previous entries for contrary to the impressions they may give, Ryan's brain does occasionally make an appearance. Hindsight is the cure for what ailes me and the more, the better.

Everything seems to have changed and nothing at the same time. I really hate my job (again). Processing home mortgages is the bane of my existence of late. I've received the attentions of someone rather unexpected at work, but I'm slow in responding simply because it wasn't my idea in the first place. This seems stupid to me and I think that I should probably do something about it. When a girl gives you her number out of the blue, it's best to call it. I've kicked myself for not taking full advantage of the one previous time this has happened (an attractive girl coming on to me) and to let another golden moment slip by seems rather irresponsible on my part. Yes, Ryan does lead a charmed life if these are his most pressing worries.

That oldies song is right, breaking up is hard to do. Which I did last night with her fucking voicemail. And to Hell with anyone who thinks this page is simply a sob-fest, this little experiment is for me, not you so fuck off. I doubt Beth has any real friends, she has lied and misrepresented herself to everyone I've talked to and it is a very long list. I'm not claiming that I'm the victim of a deceitful woman, far from it. I grew feelings for her knowing that she was a bit...damaged. Any loss that I may feel is entirely my own doing and I wouldn't change much given the chance. I suppose it's right that I cut my losses, I just regret that I had to.

On a happier note; a girl I work with, Jill is seven months prego. She let me feel the little guy kick today. Holy cow. Odd, eeire, and so very, very cool at the same time. I'm somewhat envious. No, I have no wish to be pregnant (medical miracle that would be) but it reminds me (not that I need reminding with the ending of Beth) of what I want and how far away I am from it.

The other interesting point is that Jill and I have one degree of seperation (or is it two?) between us. Beth slept with Ian, Ian knocked Jill up, I slept with Beth. I cannot convey how uncomfortable I was with that situation. Now I can laugh because I talked things out with her fucking voicemail.

The Christmas Tree that Beth and I put up on Thanksgiving with such hope was packed away, by me alone this evening. I left it up so long simply because it seemed like a festive ray of hope in the apartment that I didn't want to be left without. What things she had left are stacked neatly in the corner, waiting to be picked up (which I doubt will ever happen).

I feel absolutely sick about this and I just want to scream. A relationship which started with such impulsive kooky-nish ending with a supernova of an anticlimax. I wonder what the Hell goes through her head and why she does the things she does (or doesn't). It's not officially over, but in all practicality, it was over some time ago. I keep hoping for a phone call out-of-the-blue for her to explain and express but experience tells me that simply isn't going to happen. I have had enough conversations with her voicemail by now to discourage any last minute impassioned pleas. In many ways, she was the girl I always wanted to date, and given enough time, she could have been the last one.

I have physically felt like bollocks until a few short hours ago. My only intention last night was to consume an extremly generous amount of hard alcohol and i'm pleased to say that I accomplished that with flying colours. I attended a party that while ending well, was like taking a field trip to Sodom. Holy Frickin' Shit. I saw people I work with do things that I am trying very, very hard to purge from my memory.

Sometimes I miss her. At night when her touch, her hair, her smell come back to me like a half forgotten sweet dream after waking. And for a full half minute I truly do miss Aimee. Until rational thought gives me one Hell of a dope slap and reminds me of the Uber-Bitch that I very nearly signed my mortal life to. I continue to heave a sigh of relief over that one.

But, my non-relationship with Beth continues I suppose. And given the appropriate length of time I'd probably get down on one knee for her too if she would give me half a chance. That girl, she is a mystery to me. Enigmatic in the worst possible way. I really do wish that she would just come out and tell me what's going on in that brain of hers so I can either fall for her completely or cut my losses. Whether she does or not is of little consequence, the times a comin' when I'm going to have to decide exactly how much is enough. And I really am not looking forward to that time.

Much has happened recently; I signed away six years of my life to the Navy Reserve, I have finally seen "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" in all it's horrible cultishness, and the best Christmas present ever called me up on the very day and paid me a visit. Thank you Clay, Merry Christmas.

AAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Damn it all to Hell. I am so utterly frustrated by my non-relationship that I'm looking for a wall to punch. What should have been a nice lovey-dubey convro fell flat into a "Might I have a moment of your precious time?" WTF is going on here? I am at my wits end with this girl.

The early setting sun and bearable temps tell my feeble little mind that winter Shall Be Soon Upon Us. Super, just super. There has never been a blackness so unholy in my experience as that of a winter in Spokane, Washington. Maybe it's just that season/mood thingy that I always feel but whatever the case, it sucks. Like this place needs to exude any more negative energy for me to hate it.

Which brings me to the matter of employment. The local job market sucks audibly (bbbbbbbbbllllllllppppppptttttttttt... hear it?) I'm reminded by this weekly (if not more often) whenever I look at the Sunday classifieds and see bubkis. I flashback to the day when I wore orange, rode a scooter and worked with some hella cool people. (I also had MONEY, something sorely lacking by me at present.) Oh Kozmo, dear Kozmo, where have the days sent you?

Hockey is on my mind like a bad case of meningitis. I caught a T-Birds game Saturday night while in Seattle, it was a good game with a win over Calgary and a fight as soon as the buzzer sounded. I think that perhaps I have created a monster in exposing Beth to my addiction. I saw the burning fire in her eyes and she easily fell in step with the rabid hockey parents. Do I really know what I'm doing playing with such strong magic as hockey?

I am pleased to find that one of the few WHL players I've seen is now with the Rangers. This is one damn good kid and based on the lineup alone (even though they are not expected to do well) I think some really good things could come from the Rangers this year.

Life imitating art? "Jimmy", annoying one-time character on 'South Park' was seated directly behind me today. Every fiber in my being wants to scream "cripple fight!" Like the stereotypical blind man with the extraordinary hearing, "Jimmy" (or whatever his real damn name is) has compensated for his lack of mobility by developing a highly annoying personality. Few things bring out the disgruntled postal worker in me like an overly friendly personality.

I wrote some things today while at work concerning the utter saturation of our senses by the events of a year ago. One of these thoughts was read by an unknown coworker. Hilarity did not ensue.

The concept of trust is an interesting one. If you choose to really think about it. Who and what we trust defines our perceptions of reality and to a large extent, perception is reality. I'm not about to get into an exploration of Truth, which is the flip side of this argument (or perception for that fact.) But what is trust and how do you recognize it?

At what point do you realize you have something nice and not just something you are deluding yourself into thinking is wonderful? I'm not entirely sure myself these days when it comes to things romantic. I'm trying not to put the cart ahead of the horse but that's hard to do when I find myself falling for a certain woman after one of those entire night convros that end when I send her off to work the next day. I'm a fool for trying to jump into a relationship with her, but damn it, I can't help it. I'm just setting myself up for a long, hard fall and I have no idea how to land on my feet.

These are the thoughts that will make me cringe within 48 hours of writing (both in terms of having these feelings in the first place and for writing them so sloppily). Like a preteen girl's diary, that's what this is, 'cept at least she has the sense to keep that diary under lock and key.

Tonight as I drove home from my parent's place; driving the same back roads that I've driven countless times, I was transported back years. 'Joshua Tree' resonating off the car interior as it did once in the mustang, driving late at night by the river, meeting up with John and Clay and ever mindful of the deer that mysteriously pop out of the darkness. We were like a brotherhood of geek-ness; the three of us. Clay, the unofficial leader, John, the comic relief, and moi the cool (relatively speaking) one. In recent times, I've thought quite a bit about those days and how distant they are now. But tonight, as I drove, those people were with me as if I was seventeen again, driving late at night to meet my friends.

MMMMM...jailbait. I've been working. Yup Yup. Just working, doing nothing else like working on this modest site. Well, nothing else save for hookers and blow but I'm assuming that's a given. Not that anyone has been checking this religiously for current updates, possibly because I've given the address to but two people. Cam Whores get all the damn traffic...

I was bitterly disappointed to see Germany (my people!) get spanked by that freak Rinaldo and the rest of the Brazilian team. But it was a good time keeping up on the World Cup with the strongest showing by Team USA since 19frickin'30...maybe now we can stop using that stupid word 'soccer'.

For nearly a year now I've been chatting religiously with this fantastic girl down in San Diego. She's premed, she surfs, she cooks like a banshee, she is kind, she is gorgeous, she gives props to the naval service, she is VERY intelligent (hence the pre-med)....did I mention that she's gorgeous? The crux of all of that is that we've never met. Anyway, a bit ago she mentioned that she had been dating this pro surfer...no worries right? I mean it's not like we have a 'real' relationship here and it didn't really bother me at all. But last night I was zoning out to a surfing program on the tele (very cool stuff I might add) and they had all these pro surfers commenting on different places and waves and such and I suddenly started to wonder if I was watching the aforementioned pro surfer boyfriend. There I was, watching them in all their bronzed, athletic, Apollo-like glory and I suddenly felt a tinge of jealously. Hmmm...is this healthy? Probably not.

I'm in a Bad Religion mood today. Which is good, really. Somehow I doubt they ever intended for their music to be the uplifting, sing-along sort that I make it to be though. Bad Religion puts me into the happiest mood while hating everyone else I see.

The mood of happiness comes from gaining gainful employment today. Oh joy! Now I can go back to being one of you damn worker bees again. Unfortunately, I'm also a wage slave now because I'm getting paid shite. Somehow it just felt wrong to wear an overpriced Banana Republic shirt to an interview for a $7.50/hour job.

i love this place. i'll be in the bathroom getting ready in the morning, standing around my claw foot tub and old sink, wearing a wife-beater undershirt and have swing music playing out in the living room...and i realize that i'm livin' a dream...my daily rituals are like scenes from a Raymond Chandler novel. All i need now is a rapidly emptying bottle of rye and a mild concussion from someone hitting me over the head with a sap the previous night. On second thought, maybe i'll pass on that. i'm only willing to go so far for my art.

Today i mourn. This has been such a difficult year, emotionally, for me and all of America really. What with those two ugly buildings in NYC getting blown to hell and the Oilers not making the playoffs. It is just getting increasingly harder to cope; to continue with our daily lives. And now something like this happens, another senseless, unforeseen event bringing Americans death and sorrow. At the moment i can barely comprehend the loss suffered by our culture in terms of musical criticism and fashion hip-ness. At 4.20 PST today, I am urging all who read this to observe a five minute moment of silence in respect to our fallen comrades. I am still in the process of arranging a candlelight vigil with local churches, news of which I will pass on as it comes to me.

I'm fully moved into my new flat now and i'm....happy? Hmmm...not quite sure about that yet. This is actually my first stint of living by myself and i'm finding it somewhat strange. I'm used to someone being around, be they flatmates or a signifigant other. I mean, it's so quiet and orderly...maybe this is why people have cats, the need for some chaos...hmm.

I woke up this morning and guess what? No snow. I was shocked, just shocked. Really, i should be shocked if there is snow, but with our current nutzo weather and all... I love winter, but it can go away now.

The past two nights, i've caught a really interesting new show on CBC. It's called, "Zed". It's this 'open source' artsy-fartsy show that relies entirely on viewer submissions; music, video, graphic design, etc. I think it is hella cool. Hella. It is annoyingly overproduced, looking like a very early '80s music video and it's obvious that while the host 'Bif Naked', while very intriguing in 'that sort of way', has little experience in front of a camera. But really, it's quite cool.

I'll be going over to Spokane in the next couple of days (weather permitting) to check out some apartments. I'm just dreading the initial outlay of cash that comes with new digs. Like everything else, it really is all about the benjamins. Prepping this move just has my panties in a knot. I have piles of boxes saved for this very occasion and i'm starting to overanalyze what-goes-in-what. I should think that i'll have plenty of room to transport everything; what with my car and my dad's truck with trailer. Maybe i should get a little sauced on moving day...it whould certainly help my nerves. This anxiety is genetic, i know. I'm definitely the easy-going, patient, comatose member of both the Ulver and Ressler families normally. My parents must be clucking about it like hens already. Uggh.

Man, what a day. For Canada and for the great sport of hockey. I have no doubt in my mind that i have watched one of the milestone games today; one that will be talked about for some time to come. Canada's win is just so deserved and righteous, i'm awestruck. Canada's first goal by Kariya blew me away, it was just so....elegant; the way it went under Lemieux, i thought they had missed it at first. But little Paul Kariya just poked it in, right where it needed to go.

I've really enjoyed these Olympics because i've had the chance to see all these great players at work; some guys that i whouldn't normally pay any attention to for the teams they play for. Guys like Kariya (L.A. Kings), Nolan (San Jose), Pronger (St. Louis), and even Ignilia (Calgary)....i've heard alot of buzz about them, but to see them in concerted action is something else altogether. And also to see guys that i already admire like Marty Brodeur, Scottie Neidemeyer and Steve Yzerman.

There has been quite a bit of trash-talk about the Canadien team (mainly from the Americans) which makes this gold medal win that much more satisfying. This has been fifty years in the making and could not have happened to a more deserving team and country.

I did however catch some really bad ass Olympic hockey. Team USA vs. Finland the other night. Now, honestly, as an American i could be suspected of treason in what i'm going to say next but it's the God's-Honest-Truth. I've been so looking forward in watching Team Canada. Yes, it is true. Mainly because all the guys that i admire in the NHL made it on the Canadien Olympic team and the few American names i recognize on the Olympic roster; play for teams i despise (Modano, Deadmarsh, etc.) And the best possible outcome whould be gold for Team Canada and silver for Team USA. But anyway; USA vs. Finland. Let me tell you, it was ON, it was f&%£ing ON! Our Yanks played wonderful hockey; taking every possible shot against the Finns and skating like they were born on ice. I'm duly impressed. Don Cherry was too and you'd be wrong to disagree with Don Cherry.

Well, well. V-D (Valentines Day) is here. I’ve just recently heard it coined that way and I’ll steal it as my own because it makes me think of ‘Venereal Disease’ or whatnot. This makes me smile. In the supermarket today, I found myself chuckling at all the poor saps I saw buying last minute ‘appeasement gifts’ for their significant others. I felt wonderfully happy knowing that I didn’t need to take part in any of that stupidity. Don’t get me wrong; I’m all for spoiling rotten whomever I’m with. But the concept of having a specific day that males have to prove themselves worthy of their S.O. is just lame. Whomever I’m with should realize that I care for them regardless of what date the calendar claims it is.

I'm just beginning to realize how wonderful fresh ground pepper is. It is just so superior to the tame, tabletop variety; it is simply amazing. Just another example of the wonderfulness of any fresh food compared to it's more economical version. Really. You should try some.

Today, i finally made it over to my local DOL (Dept. of Licensing) to have my license reissued. I've been so incredibly paranoid driving about without it; esp. with our local Kirkland constabulary the way it is. Anyways, spending 45min sitting with a dozen or so jailbait tarts getting their learner's permits wasn't so bad. And you know what? I was helped by two of the nicest ladies that i have ever been helped by in probably ANY government office. Just dears they were. Kirkland is a great little burg, i will never get used to it.

I've been renting quite a few flicks recently, mainly Steve Mcqueen films. But i happened to watch 'Jawbreaker'; one of those flicks that you keep meaning to rent over the course of several years but never do because you always feel the need to appease whomever else you're watching them with. A great flick, contrary to the reviews, about high school cliques and that ever so intangible thing called popularity. I was utterly blind sided by Rebecca Gayheart, little miss Noxzema commercial. To quote Carrot Top; "Frisk me, cuff me, and call me Shirley." And that is about all i have to say about that.

Will this ever end? Why does our government continue to waste enormous amounts of time and money fighting this pseudo drug 'war' that it has no chance of making even the slightest impact? Maybe this puts it in perspective. I'm going to bed now.