This is the TARDIS; on the outside
it appears to be a slightly boring 1950’s police telephone box with a battered blue coat of paint and slightly rusty
hinges on the front doors. However inside as we know it is much, much, much bigger. The TARDIS is of course a Time Machine,
stolen a long time ago by the Doctor after some serious issues than resulted in the sudden leaving of Gallifrey with Susan.
All that was millennia ago, Susan has long since departed and many friends and companions have been and gone since then. On
top of this the Doctor has regenerated many times, each different and unique from the last one and yet possessing a central
core of Doctorishness to their being. The current incarnation is no less Doctorial than those who have gone before, although
none of them had ever attended a shoppers anonymous meeting that we know of. The Doctor is strong, confident, self-assured
and easily distracted by a shoe sale, however she is also stern and relatively merciless when confronting tyranny and oppression.
Unless they have small puppies and kittens to distract her with while they make their escape.
Travelling with the Doctor
is Haana Sinclair, a one time gay Florida
lifeguard turned galactic explorer and genetically almost one half Gallifreyan. This was as we remember a strange and complex
plan by the Valeyard to seize Haana’s body as part of a revenge scheme to get at his better and nobler self. Luckily
Haana has learned to life with this change in her lifestyle and she is very confident that the High Council will forgive her
soon for destroying half of the Prydonian Academy
halls of residence to get rid of a nasty bug infestation. Now, of course, she is back travelling with the Doctor looking for
fun, adventure and a date with a cute woman. However bad luck, confused signals and hyper-charged hormones have left her with
many first date memories but little else. Currently she’s been trying the whole abstinence-or-else policy at the Doctor’s
insistence but she’s not doing very well at it. Just ask Peri if you don’t believe me.
Anyway, this is where
our story begins. The TARDIS is travelling through the vortex, that realm that exists outside of time and space and yet is
part of that continuum. The ship can squeeze in between the moments we perceive as the hear and now and take a short cut to
arrive where we’re going to be later next day and it will only seem as moments to the Doctor and her Sapphic companion.
It is on the planet Xenon where the TARDIS is already arriving, the TARDIS is forcing itself into our part of the fourth dimension
with only minimal protests from the other twenty-five dimensions. Even now the TARDIS doors open and the two adventurers step
out of their ship and into trouble.
“Where the frell are we this time?” Haana asked the Doctor, she already
knew where they weren’t and it was only the question of where she needed an answer to.
“Mind your language
young lady.” The Doctor rebuked her friend, quite unsure where she had picked up her strange vocabulary of the gutter.
Quite probably that Nebari girl and her strange friends they met last month she was almost certain but still you should never
assume too much unless it was the episode three cliffhanger.
Haana looked around again, her critical but non-judgemental
eye scanning everything. She saw trees and fields and more trees and yet more fields some dangerous looking soldier types
pointing guns at her and the Doctor and some boring trees behind them and way in the distance she thought that she could glimpse
a silvery figure watching her. Then she realised that something was very wrong with the landscape and so she turned to the
Doctor for advice. “Are those soldiers going to shoot us?”
The Doctor smiled a smile thin and cold. “Yes
I rather think they might. I’ve always found that the best thing to do is put your hands up in the air and let them
inspect the contents of your pockets.” The Doctor had met many soldiers before in her wide and varied adventures and
for the first time she was actually hoping that they might search more than just her jacket pockets, after all her trousers
had pockets too didn’t they?
“I don’t want any of them searching me.” Haana said quickly. “You
know I don’t like that sort of thing. Besides I’m not wearing a jacket, a cute waistcoat sure but there’s
hardly room in these tiny pockets for more that three or four dozen lipsticks and nail varnishes.”
The Doctor looked
at her distressed chum and refrained from hugging the scared little thing. “Brave hearts Haana, no don’t do that
blue make-up thing again with your face. I was very embarrassed the last time let me tell you.”
Haana sighed and
wondered how she kept ending up in these sorts of situations and also why more armies didn’t recruit a lot more female
soldiers for just this kind of situation. Here she was dateless, looking for love and in a field full of men. It was enough
to make a grown lesbian cry, it really was. She had to stand there for seconds upon end as they drew closer, she could feel
their eyes moving all over her body and not in a good way either. Being admired for beauty was one thing but the lustful gangly
stares of twenty heterosexual men really made her feel sick in the pit of her stomach. What she really needed was a nice cup
of tea and some great conversation with someone her intellectual equal. Frell it, an average cup of mocha with a cute brunette
in a skirt that was a little too tarty and revealing would be perfection but alas the wishes of the lonely are often mocked
from upon high. “Some of them must have sisters right?” She felt silly asking the question but that didn’t
invalidate the question did it? However the look in the Doctor’s eyes certainly came close.
One of the soldiers,
a sergeant by rank in the Hummock army, stepped forward. He was John Milner, a seasoned veteran of many years and several
long campaigns. He had seen many battles, many strange occurrences and indeed many civilians. However the sight of two women,
one dressed like a mad parrot and the other indecently was something new. For the sake of the beloved Jesus who preached upon
the Mount you could see the girl’s belly button and it was pierced! “Who are you and where do you come from?”
very good questions.” The Doctor replied with number six smile, the one she always used to talk her way out of temporal
“Very Vorlon in their construction.” Haana added approvingly. “Do you know Kosh at all?
Tall, wears long robes, sings a lot. He’s totally afraid of the Doctor here.”
“Are you both Seska?”
Doctor looked at her companion. “Now I wouldn’t say totally afraid, we haven’t spoken in a while.”
will.” Haana winked.
“Oh you’ve peaked into your future again haven’t you?” The Doctor gently
scolded her best friend. “You’re really not supposed to do that sort of thing, it takes the surprise out of life.”
She has always loved Haana a lot, in an avuncular manner of course, she was like the favourite niece who visited for long
summer holidays. The young protégé you try to teach all your knowledge too. The obviously homosexual adolescent who always
brought girls home every night and tried to sneak into her bedroom when she thought you weren’t looking. Ok so the word
love wasn’t the right one but she sort of cares for Haana in her own mysterious way.
“Answer my questions please.”
Sergeant Milner insisted. He didn’t like it when his questioning routine was disrupted. “Are you women or are
“I’d be happy to oblige.” The Doctor replied. “My young companion and I are rather
lost, we’re sort of travellers you see. I’ve been showing her around the world and well here we are. I don’t
mind telling you we’re a bit unsure of where here actually is. Could you be a sweetie and let me know hmmm?”
too stupid to be Seska, this is good.”
“If you could just show us to the nearest place where there are young
women my age that would be a great help thank you.” Haana has always felt that it is important state her needs early
on as the Doctor tends to overlook the importance of female bonding. She took out her purse and showed everybody the photograph
of herself and some young women she met one time, just so they got the hint.
“What sort of unnatural devilment is
this?” Sergeant Milner shouted. “Are you indeed Seska after all?”
The Doctor looked at the picture. “I
thought I told you to burn all of those. Just because you went to a nudist beach doesn’t mean you have to show people
a picture of you at the nudist beach with a group of other young women hugging and kissing and touching.” She was not
against homosexual relationships in any way, more that she was against relationships in general. Thirteen lives of denial
and celibacy was a good thing, it showed character, it showed determination and it showed that you could be a strong female
role model to young girls by not needing some burly male hero to save her from some situation a perfectly sensible woman couldn’t
get into outside of really good BBC comedy programming. So what if sometimes she would lie awake for weeks on end thinking
about being rescued by some strong, physically powerful man with a chiselled physique? She might be a strong, confident woman
but she was still a woman after all. However she chose not to display her sexuality was her own business and that didn’t
make her any less valid as a person and besides it’s nobodies business anyway. Being around Haana has really made her
question herself and also brought on some neuroses and self-denial. Maybe she could have been a little more open in the past,
been less shadowy and vague. Had she put off Mr Right by being such an ice queen? No, she didn’t need a man to make
her complete, she used to be one and there wasn’t much any of her previous selves could have given a woman except maybe
someone to feel superior to about their fashion sense.
Haana nodded, she always felt secure with her fashion sense whenever
she met any of the Doctor’s previous selves. Except the one with the scarf, she has always wanted to wear a scarf like
The Doctor knew about Haana’s appreciation of her scarf collection and had gotten Madame Nostradamus to one
up especially for her dear friend. Although she had complained at first about the strange selection of pinks and the matching
mittens. The Doctor was quite insistent about the mittens and hoped to persuade her chum to wear them at all times for the
rest of her lives.
Haana wasn’t fond of the mitten idea and wished now that she wasn’t so sensitive to the
Doctor’s thought patterns and wondered if her best friend could sense what she was thinking. Oh frell, did the Doctor
pick up on her thoughts? Did she experience some of the imaginative and highly erotic things she thought of whenever a beautiful
and obviously gay woman was within detection range of her gaydar?
The Doctor nodded slowly. “Yes, well my companion
is young and you know the young of today, they like to take a perfectly good schooling and throw it all back in your face.
They don’t appreciate what they have and are always off looking for something new and offensive.”
It was more
or less at this point that the shooting began and much to our heroines surprise that they weren’t the one’s being
shot at. Instead it was a group of women dressed in dark green and grey uniforms that opened fire on the soldiers.
looked at her saviours and couldn’t help herself from mentally undressing most of them. As we know she tends to do this
a lot so we won’t mention it anymore. “It’s like all my wishes have come true at once Doctor.”
Doctor has always despaired of her companion’s relentless refusal to accept such things as reality, salt and vinegar
crisps or heterosexuality. However she has hope that patient tuition, long lectures and some physical pain might just do the
It was at this point that Haana could no longer contain her emotions to just general sentences with form and structure
and general rambling. Some sort of barrier broke inside of her soul and she just had to sing.
“It's raining girls
it's raining girls
Cute, blonde, pert and sassy, yay
Smooth and soft and
strong and totally gay.”
Of course the Doctor had
to stop her poor companion from showing her up, but try as she might she couldn’t catch up with Haana. In the end she
could only not watch as Haana danced around the liberating women taking her clothes off.
Haana was feeling over the moon,
she was communing with her muse and in what passed for her mind her muse was a six-foot Valkyrie beauty with a dreamy rack.
“God bless Mother Nature
She's a single woman too
She took on a heaven
And she said what she had
She taught every angel
To rearrange their way
So that each and every woman
find her perfect gay.”
At this the Doctor was forced to
use plastic ties to restrain her companion from doing something really foolish. “This is for the best Haana, you have
to control your emotions or they will control you. I know it’s hard for you sometimes, you’re human side is a
great handicap to a stable and sane life but it’s a road you must take if you want to become a Time Lady.” She
helped her chum up to her feet and back into her clothes. “Now these nice women, while certainly rescuing us from a
tricky situation, don’t have the right to just go around shoot people.” She looked at the woman who seemed to
be in charge. “You don’t claim that sort of right do you? If you did I might have to say something and then you’d
start crying and I’d feel guilty about being so short with you and soon there would be major political upheaval and
civil unrest. That’s my gift, or my curse. Either way I don’t get many invitations to parties. I’m the Doctor
by the way and this is my best friend Haana. It’s purely a platonic friendship, I’m avuncular. Say hello Haana.”
looked at the Doctor and felt the need to be completely honest with her. “My bra is inside out. It is itchy, very itchy.”
Doctor knew full well that Haana just wanted to let the nearby women see her bust, what little there was of it anyway. Her
poor unlucky in love chum was very underdeveloped in the chest area, however this seemed to work for her as men rarely hit
upon her. Maybe it was strange but even inside the noble hearts of the Doctor their dwelled an inner bitch. “Not now
Haana, maybe when you start wearing proper bra’s hmmm?”
“Hey!” Haana complained and gave up. She
never liked being humiliated in front of extra cute and available women as we know, but today the Doctor seemed extra hormonal.
Doctor and the other women, the previously mentioned Seska, walked for quite a while across fields and streams until thy came
upon a campsite. The Doctor having borne Haana on her shoulder all this way let her companion down to the ground.
tried to get out of her restraints but the Doctor knew her too well and so she had to try something else. “Come on,
let me go Doctor. These things are hurting me, seriously.” She tried loosening them again herself. “Come on Doctor,
this is totally unfair.”
The Doctor shook her head sadly. “Until you can learn to control yourself then I’m
afraid you’ll never learn anything at all from our time together.”
Haana looked around and tried to make a
break back to the TARDIS but the Doctor stopped her. “I hate you!” Haana cried as she tried to stand up again.
“She glared at the Doctor and with her anger building up inside of her she snapped the thin plastic restraints easily.
“Get out of my way Doctor, I’m going back to the TARDIS.”
“I have never been in your way Haana.”
The Doctor replied sadly.
“Is there a problem?” The lead female soldier enquired.
Doctor replied diplomatically, in that she lied quite convincingly.
“Yes!” Haana shouted. “You’re
all idiots. Get over your petty problems, there’s bigger things to worry about than this crap.” She had always
spoken her mind when she was pissed off, angry or upset and now was no exception.
“I would have thought you sympathised
with our cause Haana.” The soldier was confused.
“That’s Lady Haana to you.” Haana snarled. “I
may be young, pretty and care-free most of the time but right now I’m the bitch monster of death and I say unto thee
shut the hell up and sue for peace.”
“With the Hummocks?” The lead Seska snarled angrily, for she was
filled with much pride. “Never, we Seska will never again talk to a man.”
“Whatever.” Haana threw
her arms up in despair. “I didn’t want to come here in the first place, I wanted to go to Blackpool
and get a kiss me quick hat and an ice cream but no, she has to drag me off here to learn some stupid lesson that’s
to dumb to repeat here. Here I am, IQ the size of a phone number and nursemaiding some seriously butch women and for what?
I despair, I really do. I’m fed up of this boring planet, I’m going now to find someplace with better villains.”
Doctor’s head swung around to look at Haana at Exorcist speed. “Huh? Have you been reading my book of speeches?”
glared at the Doctor. “You can shut up too, always acting so high and mighty well this time I’ve sorted things
out. The little queer sidekick, me. Haana. Now lets go before my anger fades and I start flirting with that hot chick.”
Doctor has always been constantly surprised by the actions of her companions and today has been no less of a surprise. “Ok,
come on then. That was a terribly impressive glare you gave me by the way, did I ever tell you about the time Susan and I
went to the court of the mighty Kublai Khan? Intelligence is always the last best thing to use in any dangerous situation,
that and a solid left hook of course.”
Thus the brief interaction of these
two troublesome Time Ladies had little real impact on the decades long war between the Hummocks and the Seska. The Hummocks
still won by force of arms and all the Seska were wiped out to the last by their fear and their scorn. However, as we know,
that’s another BBC series altogether.