The TARDIS was quiet now that the Key to Time had been found.  Romana walked the quiet endless corridor that was all corridors and none.  Her shoes were the only sounds she heard, but not the only sounds she felt.  She felt the strong beatings of her hearts, the quiet rushing of her pulses in her ears and the flapping of the hem of her dress as she swished it about as she walked.

Their last adventure still left deep scars, both physical and emotional.  The Cybermen had lured them to an asteroid.  They had tried to make her and the Doctor into their kind, emotional cripples and physical monsters.  There were soulless creatures with no right to life.  They should have died and good riddance.

However their cruelty affected her still.  They had sawn off her arms and legs without any pin relief.  They had cut away chunks of her brain and replaced them with computer chips.  They had gutted her body and replaced half of her insides with a life support system.  Luckily the Doctor had escaped before they did the same to him and he had rescued her, but their surgeries had left her maimed for life.  She once considered herself aesthetically average, with long hair that tickled her shoulders.

Now she was bald, half her skull removed to expose the metal covering that hid brain and silicon.  She walked on legs of crude metal and her hands were operated by wires.  Worst of all though her lower face was gone, replaced by a mechanical speaker apparatus, she wore a silk scarf over it, and silk gloves on her fake hands to hide them away.  Her boots hid the sculpted steel feet perfectly and deep down she knew that there were scars so deep that they would never heal.  Worst of all though, she’d never have any Time Tots of her own.  She never knew she wanted to be a mother until now, when she realised that she could never be one.  Suddenly a stranger appeared and said “Pax.”

Life in N-Space was quite quiet really, certainly not the hustle and bustle of life with the Doctor.  Romana let K-9 get on with all the boring running of the revolution, while she was the public face of the resistance, allowing her time to build her own TT Capsule.  She’d gotten as far as the colour scheme and that was a lot for her first decade.  It was important to get these things right, was it not?

Her honey blonde hair had grown wild thanks to a lack of hair brushes, but she did her best, usually tying it back into a loose pony tail.  Her red jacket was the only real fleck of colour in this world of greys, but slowly and surely she was using colour as an inspiration for her adopted people to show their independence and strength.

Her assistant Berry was a most helpful chap, he was somewhat accident prone though, she’d lost count of the number of times he had dropped things or stumbled over something.  At least his people were almost as long lived as hers so they worked at much the same rate and he also enjoyed a good jam tart every weekend.  Jam tarts were so important for the morale, she reflected.  If she didn’t develop jam-making technology and also home baking then she thought she’d have gone quite weird years ago, like her invisible friend Sally.  She was distracted however when a stranger said “Pax” to her.

Romana floated around her office in a giddy daze.  She was busy with a thousand and one important duties, but right now the most important one was the drink in her hand.  Her reward to herself for half a day spent dealing with the paperwork.  Her assistant Leokai was on holiday and so the normally meek and timid in tray was a wild and an untamed thing threatening to drown passers by in the relentless tides of bureaucracy.

She sat down on her chair, then stood up again and yanked her dress back down over her knickers, then she tossed her shoes off and put them into a bowl of salt water.  She let out a gasp of joy as her toes were immediately caressed by the effervescing salts.

The door to her office opened and a strangely familiar face walked into it.  He was tall with curly red hair and a ginger beard to match.  He wore the blue robes of the Landralau Preceptory, the noted medicians of Gallifrey that specialised in the biologick arts.

“Can I help you?”  She asked.  “Only I am terribly busy, being president is a bugger for ones social life.  My husband hasn’t seen me in simply ages and ages.”

The red man nodded.  “Pax.”  He shouted.  “Pax libre.”

“I know a Pex.”  Romana replied.  “One of our best agents, very good at infiltrating alien planets.”

Romana, Romana and Romana found themselves all together in a plain stone room.  The older two versions looked at the youngest version.  “I don’t remember looking like that.”  The middle Romana looked at her successor.

“Must be regeneration amnesia.”  The eldest Romana guessed.  “I guess we didn’t want to remember looking like that.”

“I’m right here.”  The youngest Romana snapped at her older selves.  “Do you think its fun living your life when half of it’s been ripped away from you?  When your tits are made of rubberised plastic and you have to turn a tap on to use the loo?”

The second Romana found her teapot and tea service inside of her handbag and with the kettle already on the boil it was only a matter of adding the teabags to the pot and putting the biscuits in the tin, before everything was set up for a lovely cuppa.  “Shall I be mother?”  She asked with a polite smile.

The first Romana looked at the other brunette.  “Please tell me I turn into you next.”

“Sorry sweetie, but you have to wait a while longer before you get to be me.”

The middle Romana looked at a map of the universe.  “This is very odd.  According to this the Universe rotates on 6,041 different axes.”

“That’s right.”  The eldest Romana replied.  “I have a few more Omega class singularities built, to provide Gallifrey with unlimited power, for the war effort.”

“How many?”  The first Romana asked.

“Just 6,040.”  The third Romana chuckled.  “It’s ok though, because we offset the inertial entropy with three carefully positioned adjustment satellites in orbit around three key singularities.  To prevent gravitational sheer destroying the Universe we simply alter the key singularities so that a critical mass of super-compressed matter can’t take place and the whole of existence gets very intimate with itself.”

“One wrong calculation and one third of the Universe is gone.”  The First Romana tutted.  “That’s insane.”

“It’s progressive, this is one of the three satellites we’re on now, judging by the decor.”  The Third Romana replied.  “We need all the power we can get, for the war.”

“What war?”  The Second Romana asked as she poured the teas.

“I can’t talk about it.”  The Third Romana replied.  “It’s a law, I had it made especially, it’s quite charming really it simply states: ‘Don’t mention the war’ which is clear and so no one has any comeback if they say something they shouldn’t.”

An alarm started to sound.  “What’s that?”  The First Romana asked.

“Just a small gravity alignment.”  The Third Romana replied.  “The system will take control and adjust things automatically.  These adjustment satellites are very good.  I had them made to my own design.”

“We’re so dead.”  The First Romana muttered.

“A cup of tea will perk you up.”  The Second Romana handed out the teas.  “Now who wants a chocolate biscuit?”

“There’s always time for biscuits.”  The Third Romana giggled and took two.

“We’re going to die!”  The First Romana shouted, as she took a biscuit.  “We have to do something.”

“I wish my good and dear friend Cardinal TomN was here.”  The Third Romana muttered out loud.  “He could come up with a brilliant plan.”

Suddenly a hidden door opened and dry ice clouds bellowed out like the breath of the dragon.  A dark shape cast a shadow though the foggy cloud.

“Where did everyone go?”  The Second Romana asked herself as she was surrounded by the cloud.

Cardinal TomN stepped through the misty clouds.  “Sorry about that ladies, my jacket sleeve caught the steam valve handle.”

“But we don’t even have steam on this station.”  The Third Romana started to worry.

“Hi.”  The First Romana said to the human male.  “I’m called Romana and sadly so are these two to.”

The Second Romana coughed as she gasped for air in the cloud of dry ice that clung around her far longer than the laws of physics should allow.  “Don’t mind me, I’m just the pretty one.”

“I’m the pretty one.”  The Third Romana sulked.  “This dress is like totally retro and all that jazz.”

“And all that jazz?”  The First Romana scoffed.  “What sort of trashy films will I be poisoning my mind with in the future?”

TomN rushed forward, in a laconic manner.  “So what’s up then?”

“We’re about to die.”  The First Romana got the important part of the conversation out of the way.  She looked at her oldest self.  “It’s all her fault apparently, but I blame the ditsy blonde hugging the biscuit tin over there.”

The Second Romana put the biscuit tin down.  “I’m just stressed.”

TomN found the big red safety activation button and pressed it.  “I think that worked.”

The First Romana shook TomN’s hand.  “Well done.”

The Second Romana pulled out a plate of cakes from her handbag.

The Third Romana signed a few death warrants and then grabbed TomN and gave him a fiery kiss.

“Tart.”  The Second Romana said to her younger self.

“I know.”  The First Romana rolled her eyes.

The Second Romana handed her younger self the jam tart she’d asked for.

However things took a down turn as the most evil villain in all the universe arrived…Mabel Curtain-Muffler, owner of seventy-six croched teapot covers!  The Second Romana fainted!

“Wake up!”  The First Romana shook her disappointing replacement, she didn’t like either of them; the bimbo and the floozy as she thought of them.  “Come on you lazy woman, rise and shine.”  She waved a fresh cup of tea under her nose.

The Second Romana’s eyes snapped open.  “Thank you, I really needed that burst of free radicals.”  She sat up and downed the tea in only fifteen long sips.  “That really hits the spot.”

The Third Romana tried to keep the evil Mabel Curtain-Muffler at bay by making the Sign of the Other, although she had the Tuning Fork of Rassilon tucked away safely in her hair like a hairclip, should she need a more potent weapon.

“Hello my dears.”  Mabel laughed once, twice, three times.  “What are three young lovelies like you doing here?”

“Well I own the place.”  The Third Romana said quickly and pointed to the official portrait of herself on the far wall.  “I’m the Lady President of Gallifrey.”

“I do enjoy a good social circle.”  Mabel replied.  “I was once in the Women’s Auxiliary Knitting Circle.  We made all sorts of things out of wool.”

“Like that awful hat.”  The Second Romana whispered unkindly to the First.

Mabel looked at the naked teapot.  “Oh good heavens, I can see that my arrival is just in time.”  She pulled a spare tea cosy out of her jacket pocket and started putting it on the teapot.  “We can’t have this now can we ladies?”

“What’s she doing?”  The Second Romana asked the others.

“I think she’s putting a tea cosy on that teapot.”  The First Romana muttered.

The Third Romana looked at her other selves.  “Someone, and by someone I mean someone who isn’t me, please stop her, those garish colours offend my eyes.”

“At least you still have your own eyes.”  The First Romana countered.

“Yes, but they don’t have split screen, quantel, x-ray or subtitles.”  The Third Romana patted her younger selves hand.

“True.”  The First Romana replied as the words ‘evil cow bitch’ ran across the crawlspace at the bottom of her vision.

The Second Romana lunged at Mabel, a cake spatula in her hand held like it was a stiletto dagger.  She tried stabbing the OAP repeatedly but the old biddy’s cardigan was knife proof, at least this knife proof.  “Get away from my teapot!”  She shouted again and again.

“I say, such violence.”  The Third Romana threw up with shock and disgust.

The First Romana dragged Mabel off her next self and threw the evil cow bitch into the conveniently open outer doors of the airlock.

The Second Romana shut the airlock and then activated it.  “It’s just like that film, Alien, except I felt sorry for the alien.”

Mabel froze, boiled, irradiated and exploded all at once.

“Was that really necessary?”  The Third Romana asked the other two.  “We could have just used diplomacy.”

“No away.”  The Second Romana replied.  “She was way too evil to live.”

“Well not as evil as Darth Vader.”  The First Romana replied.

“He wasn’t all that evil.”  The Third Roman countered.  “He did redeem himself in the last film.”

“That’s true.”  The Second added.  “He was still very nasty though.  One time he had me captured and he tried to kiss me, wait, that was a dream.”

“More like a nightmare.”  The Third and First Romana said at the same time.

“I dreamt that Han Solo kissed me.”  The First Romana added.  “Although now I’d be lucky if I got Darth Vader.”

“Princess Leia for me.”  The Third Doctor confessed in an unguarded moment.  “I mean Luke Skywalker.”  She made sure the closet door was firmly closed again.  “Yes, erm, he kissed me, and stuff.”

“Sounds romantic.”  The Second Romana replied.  She then sidled up to her first self and whispered “she’s a big lezzer.”

“She’s going to be you after you regenerate.”  The First Romana grinned.

The Second Romana gasped in shock.  “But I like boys, well sort of; I mean they’re nice to have around, not to many, obviously, because they’re weird.  In fact just the Doctor, he’s nice, very polite, always has jelly babies.”

“Oh get a grip of yourself you silly mare.”  The First Romana rolled her eyes.  “None of that stuff matters, regeneration is what you make of it once it’s happened, not what you want.  You can’t choose the form you want you know.”

“Erm, that’s not exactly true.”  The Third Romana jumped into the private conversation.  “A willingly induced regeneration can be guided during the first few minutes.”

Their conversation was interrupted by the arrival of a plot device.  “Ooh look, a pretty comet is heading our way.”  The Second Romana took a photo of it for her photo album.

“It’s coming towards us.”  The First Romana shook her head slightly.  “We’ll probably be killed too.  Shame, I only got this dress the other day.  Today’s the first time I’ve worn it.”

“It’s cursed!”  The Second Romana shouted.  “Take it off at once, before we’re all killed.”

“I most certainly am not.”  The First Romana replied.  “There’s a guy in the room.”

“Where?”  The Third Romana asked.

Cardinal TomN raised his hand.  “I never left.”

“Oh.”  The Second Romana said.  “Sorry.  I guess you have the sort of face that blends in with the background.  Here, have a chocolate biscuit or a Jaffa cake, they’re both yummy.  Maybe they will give you more charisma?”

“You’re just making it worse.”  The Third Romana said gayly, no, brightly, that was it, she wasn’t gay, no way, not at all, and she did not fancy Chancellor Yummy, Yanni, not Yummy, at all.  The way she laughed, the way the sunlight caught her full red kissable lips, the way her hair…mustn’t think about that sort of thing, not gay, no way.  Romana hoped she hadn’t let her sexuality slip out by accident.

“What on Gallifrey is the queer me on about now?”  The Second Romana asked Cardinal TomN.

“I don’t know, but she was having drinks with Chancellor Yanni last night and they held hands.”

“Trollop.”  The First Romana said to the Second, she didn’t care to direct to word itself at either of her other selves however.  They were both as bad as each other.  One was so repressed she garbled and the other was so insecure she was throwing herself at a guy, for shame.  She was glad that she was still a virgin; it was a badge of pride that she had remained pure at hearts.  Although she didn’t half fancy the arse off of the cute new Castellan, Lord Venron.

“What about the comet?”  Cardinal TomN asked.

“What comet?”  The Second Romana asked, before her memory restarted, it had been put on hold when her brain started running fantasy scenarios involving kissing and places to put Jaffa cakes that were naughty and secret.  “Oh, right.”  She looked at the control panel.  “Where’s the anti-comet shield when you need it?”

“Try pressing buttons.”  The Third Romana tried to be helpful and encourage her team to succeed.  “The blue ones might work.”

The First Romana rolled her eyes and activated the laser defences.  She disintegrated the comet with a single blast of the laser obliterator.  “How come I’m so rubbish in my next two lives?”

“I’m not rubbish.”  The Second Romana started to cry.

“There, there.”  The Third Romana patted her earlier self’s hand.  “Here, blow your nose on this hankie.”

“Thanks.”  Romana blew her nose.  “I try to be nice, but no one appreciates me, or the hard work I’ve done.”

“You’ll do so much too.  You’ve got a lot to do yet.”

“I know, and your dress is very pretty.”

“Your jacket is nice too.  I remember liking it so much, when I was you.”

“I’m off.”  The First Romana went looking for the nearest transmit cubicle.  “I’ll use the geo-temporal circuits to summon the Doctor.”

“And I was having such a nice time too.”  The Second Roman said to Cardinal TomN, and showed him the front of the newspaper she was reading.

“Isn’t that too rude to put on the cover of a newspaper?”  TomN asked.

“It’s only a tabloid.”  The Second Romana asked.  “They’re allowed to show pictures of the tart over there in bed with the England football manager.”

“That’s a complete lie.”  The First Romana grabbed the newspaper.  “I’ve never liked sports, except chess, this is outrageous libel.”

“It’s got tomorrow’s date on it.”  The Third Romana noted.

“How can this happen to me?”  The First Romana asked.  “I don’t even believe in pre-determinism theory.  I tell you what; I’ll put a chastity belt on, that way it’ll never happen.”

“Maybe he has a sonic screwdriver?”  The Second Romana asked.

“I wore mine out.”  The Third Romana said absent mindedly.  “I mean it broke after I dropped it.”

“Not listening.”  TomN said and covered his ears.

The Third Romana sat down and started to examine her fingernails.  “Darn, this one needs reshaping.”

“Why am I here again?”  TomN asked.

“You’re the token guy.”  The Second Romana explained.  “You’re here so I can fall in love with you and get all angsty about relationship issues with and also prevent us talking about feminine hygiene products, like tampons.”

TomN spaced himself out of the airlock.

“I thought he’d never leave.”  The Third Romana replied.  “This thing isn’t half giving me a wedgie.”

The First Romana burped and broke wind.  “It’s so hard to keep up the allure of womanly mystique when there’s a guy around.”

“Why are you two talking like this?”  The Second Romana asked.

“Oh grow up Princess.”  The First Romana hissed.

“You don’t need to act like a prom queen now there’s no boys to fawn over like a creep.  There’s just us two here now, be yourself for once.”

“You mean I can ******* swear?”  The Second Romana asked, and took out her hipflask.  “Thank **** for that.”

The stranger appeared in the room suddenly.  “Pax!”  He shouted and fell over, his body shattered into a billion motes of dust.

“I never touched him.”  The Third Romana said, before realising she was standing nowhere near the deceased.  “I mean who was that strange man?”

“I suspect that our arrival is in preparation for some event.”  The first Romana guessed.

The Second Romana shook her head slowly.  “Why three versions of me, and you’re not even anything special either.  RoboCop’s girlfriend and KD Lang’s stalker.”

“I never stalked her.”  The Third Romana replied quickly.  “They couldn’t prove it in court anyway.”

“It’s ok girls, I’m here now.”  Roma said to his earlier selves.  “I had a dreadful time getting here too.”  He took out a clean handkerchief and carefully cleaned a seat before sitting down.  “So, what’s happening and more importantly how can I help?”

“I’m male in my next life?”  The Third Romana’s legs buckled but she caught herself on the desk.

“Goodness me no.”  Roma replied quickly.  “I’m the one after you.  I don’t see the one before me though.  Now she was nice, she made up for a lot of your faults.  I remember having the softest nutmeg brown skin and a quiet fancy for this guy I met in a bar once.  However that’s all in the past now.”

“So what do you do?”  The Second Romana asked as she poured her future guy self a cup of tea.

“Oh, this and that.  I like to think of myself as the galaxy’s therapist.  It’s very messed up if you asked me, sadly though it never gets around to paying my bills, but my secretary Miss Tree always manages to collect the money in the end.”

“Is she seeing anyone?”  The Third Romana asked.  “I mean are you happy with your job?”

Roma nodded.  “Yes, it’s very rewarding.  Only last week I had a Hollywood actress on my couch and her hands were everywhere.”

“Is that allowed?”

“She likes to use body language.”  The Second Romana hissed just too loudly to her next self.  “Are you totally weird and sexually repressed?”

The Third Romana nodded.  “Yes, I mean no, not at all.  I have a healthy lifestyle.”

“I don’t, I’m a dysfunctional Avril Lavigne type, and I had to change my image to avoid becoming stale and repetitive.”

“Well, fun though this is, I must say I had a rather strange encounter with a mysterious man, he appeared to me and said Pax Redemptive and then vanished and I was here, with the tin woman, the bimbo and the cowardly lesbian.  I feel just like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, except I gave up dresses just after the regeneration?”

“How long after?”  The Third Romana asked with a hint of bitch in her voice.

“About a week.”  Roma replied.  “Luckily though Miss Tree helped me through it and since then we’ve had a full and secure relationship.  We’re getting married next month.  I’m going to be a father.”

“Aw, that’s a lovely story.”  The Second Romana hugged Roma.  “You’ll have to show me the baby pictures.  I can’t wait another 2 lifetimes.  Although it looks like you share the same taste in women as my next incarnation.”

“I’m not gay.”  The Third Romana replied way too quickly.  “I like guys; I’ve had sex with three men.”

“Strange, I remember it being only one and it didn’t even get that far as he caught you in bed with his sister and his cousins and also his friend’s wife and her sister.”  Roma looked at the view screen in front of him.  “Of course it could just be regeneration false memory syndrome.”  He started to clean the view screen with a fresh handkerchief.

“It must be.”  The Third Romana said sharply, with extra menace and venom.

The room began to spin, suddenly and strangely, it was moving but those inside of it were not and didn’t feel anything other than the uneasy silence.

However the silence was broken by a loud voice shouting “Pax!” over and over again.  The voice rose into a hysterical rant and then descended into a maniacal laugh, before it stopped as suddenly as it started.

The Second Romana started to cry when someone held a raw onion under her nose.  It was a tall figure dressed in a strange cowled black robe.  “Get that onion away from me.”

The figure took a step back.  “All must submit to the trials of the dream universe, for one of you is guilty of crimes against us.”

“It’s not me.”  The Third Romana said quickly.  “I never did it.”

The First Romana’s Dream

Romana was sitting at home with a good book.  In the background President Borusa was sitting at the table rewriting the history books with a red biro.  The doorbell rang and she jumped up excited that her date was finally here.  She opened the door only to find it was a Cyberman, with a bunch of silver flowers in one hand and a silver box of ball bearings in the other.  “Oh, it’s you.”  She frowned.  “I was expecting someone else.”

“We will have a date, resistance is useless.”

“I’m going to change.”  Romana stormed off to her room to change her dress.

President Borusa looked up briefly and shook his head.  “Time Ladies today.  They populate three quarters of our planet and yet not one of them holds a position of power in the government.”

Romana returned, this time she was wearing a silver PVC dress with matching knee-length stiletto boots.  “Come on then, lets get this over with.”

The Second Romana’s Dream

Romana was resting inside of her coffin.  She wasn’t quite awake yet and she was enjoying the last remnant of sleepy comfort before she had to get up and feed.  She clung on to her over-sized teddy bear and held him close for feelings of illusory security.  Finally however wakefulness took a hold and she climbed up out of her coffin bed and stretched her arms upwards.  She opened her mouth to yawn and her prey whimpered in the corner as it saw her large white teeth.

“Please don’t kill me.”  The food begged for its life.

“Oh, do be quiet.”  Romana tutted and stripped off her favourite night dress so that she didn’t get any unwanted blood marks on it.  Blood was murder to scrub out, in that if her washer woman didn’t get the marks out then she’d be murdered.  “It’s too late to make a fuss now.”  Romana seized her prey with strong hands and bite deep into a large vein.  Hot sweet blood splashed into her mouth and she eagerly fed upon it for essential nourishment.

The Third Romana’s Dream

Romana was lying in bed but she was too excited to sleep.  In the background the Black Guardian stood smiling, or sneering, they both looked the same.  For some reason he had also taken on the form of Alice Cooper.  Visions of people from Gallifrey’s past appeared at the foot of her bed, scantily clad women in sheer robes, carrying large spears danced sexually, writhing erotically and then they were replaced by more serene looking women dressed in soft silks with come to bed with me eyes and they carried large knives and they ran the flat of the blade over the contours of their bodies.  Then they were replaced by more modern dressed women, like many of the time ladies Romana knew.  They wore only the high collars and robes of state, underneath they were unclothed and they started to dance in a circle around the bed doing high kicks every other step.

“This must be heaven.”  Romana said to herself.

“Quite the opposite.”  The Black Guardian replied as his appearance changed to the twin of Romana’s.

Romana grinned and kissed herself.

Roma’s Dream

Roma and Miss Tree were sitting in their green roadster car, driving through the countryside on another one of their adventures.  Miss Tree was concerned that her hair would get messed up, so she wore a hat to keep it under control.  Roma enjoyed a refreshing sip of tea, Darjeeling of course, and he nibbled on a cucumber sandwich too, to keep up his strength.

Their path was blocked however by a rowdy looking brute.  “Gerrout that car yer ponce.”

“Excuse me, we’re in rather a hurry.”  Roma said to the ruffian.  “Would you mind stepping aside please?”

The thug tried to grab hold of Miss Tree but she chopped him on the shoulder with a wicked karate blow.  Then she proceeded to thrash the bully with a flurry of kicks and punches for good measure.

Roma wiped away the crumbs from the corners of his mouth and poured himself another cup of tea.

The figure looked at all four aspects of Romanadvoratrelundar.  “None of you are the one responsible.  Yet I know it is one of you.  Wait, one of you is missing, one of you has evaded capture by the time trap.”

“Looking for me?”  The 4th Romana asked, and stepped from a concealed alcove, gun in hand.

“Oh yes.”  Roma said suddenly, with a faint smile.  “I used to be rather something of a terrorist when I was her.  Do look out, she has a tendency to shoot first and then shoot the people with questions afterwards.”

“I turn into a gun freak?”  The 3rd Romana asked the 2nd.  “I think I’d rather just come out and admit I’m gay, not that I am of course.”

“You hand is on my buttocks.”  The 2nd Romana replied coldly.

“Sorry, force of habit.”  The 3rd Romana muttered.  “I thought you were Lady Haana, my girlfriend, I mean Hannah my best friend, I mean Hans my boyfriend.”

The 4th Romana casually shot the weird person in the funny outfit.  “I hate introductions.”  She put the gun down.  “So why are we all here, and why am I still sober?”

“Cup of tea?”  The 2nd Romana asked, before her 4th self shot the teapot with her gun.

“We should work out what brought us all here.”  The 1st Romana made a decision.

“We know that.”  The 3rd Romana pointed to the corpse.

“Not who, what.”  The 1st Romana replied.  “Someone acting alone would still need resources, access to temporal machinery, a good insider knowledge of TARDIS force shields.”

“That’s true.”  Roma replied.  “I wish Miss Tree was here.”

“I think we’re fine for enigmatic Time Ladies.”  The 2nd Romana replied and pulled out a new teapot from her handbag.  “Now why don’t we all have a nice cup of tea and make the best of it, hmmm?”

The 4th Romana aimed her gun at the new teapot.  “I only drink coffee.”

“Ah, that explains why you’re such a psycho.”  The 3rd Romana said in a poorly constructed sentence.  “Still, I like the leather trousers.”

“He said that he was from the dream universe.”  The 1st Romana said slowly.  “That implies that he’s not from around here.  He’s not someone we’ve met before, we’re working at a disadvantage.”

“I’ve met them before.”  The 4th Romana said softly.  “I travelled into their realm.”

“How come I don’t remember that.”  Roma asked.

“Can you remember all your dreams?”  The 4th Romana asked.

“I can remember all of hers.”  Roma pointed at the 3rd Romana.  “I was in therapy for years when I was you.”

“Strange.”  The 2nd Romana muttered as she finished off another packet of Jaffa cakes.  “I don’t remember anything in between defeating the Black Guardian and my regeneration into this form and yet tin can Tina here obviously comes from that period in our life.”

“I travelled with the Doctor for over twenty years since the key to time.  We had all sorts of adventures, before we were captured by the Cybermen.”

“How strange.”  The 2nd Romana mused.  “It must have been some sort of soma-temporal memory wipe.  All I can remember is trying on different bodies before picking this one, my first choice too.  The Doctor didn’t like it so much, he said I was copying, but what’s the point of passing over a good design just because some one has already worn something similar?  For one I’m blonder than her anyway, and my nose is very pretty.”

“I dated a blonde girl once.”  The 3rd Romana said out loud.  “I mean I liked being blonde, when I was you.”

“I’m blonde too.”  Roma said with a smile.

“I think you mean blond.”  The 1st Romana muttered.

“Who cares about the subjunctive?”  The 4th Romana shouted.  “I want to kill someone.”

“Me too.”  The 3rd Romana grinned.  “I can sign the death warrant too, to make it perfectly legal.”

The Romani were busy contemplating the implications of existence within a universe created solely of dreams.  Whose dreams for a start and what about nightmares?  Also what of fantasies like a new pony or a hot date with a certain someone?  The concepts of creation were more than enough to tax the mind of one Time Lady never mind four Time Ladies and an ex-Time Lady.  They tried telepathic communion, they tried brainstorming, they even tried hopscotch and a séance but in the end they all agreed that they should all be asleep in order to dream.

The 1st Romana brushed her teeth, pulled on her white silk pyjamas and put her hair up into a pony tail.

The 2nd Romana flossed twice and pulled on her pink baby doll chemise and put her hair up into bunches.

The 3rd Romana texted a secret love letter to her girlfriend, then pulled on her black silk kimono.

The 4th Romana cleaned her gun before pulling on khaki boy leg shorts and a matching t-shirt.  She oiled her hair back out of her eyes.

Roma washed, had a facial scrub, dampened his hair, put on some night cream and then pulled on his ludicrously expensive silk boxer shorts and matching dressing gown.

The dreamscape opened suddenly like a cross between a water slide and a rose.  It was a world beyond description, but it was enough to know that it was better than any CGI effects could convincingly portray on a BBC budget.

The waterslide was such great fun.  Romana loved playing on it.  It was endless and such fun.  She went faster and faster but she never got scared because she was having the time of her lives.  Her blonde hair kept getting in her eyes though and far off she thought she could hear her mother calling her in for her tea.

Romana was enjoying the thrill of the chase.  Her quarry was close now, she could sense its proximity.  She readied her spear for the kill.  All she could think of was daubing her self in the blood of the creature and wearing its skin as a trophy to give herself the power of the animal, its grace and agility.

Roma was enjoying his massage.  Once again Miss Tree was showing off her many talents, this time as a masseuse.  She kneaded out the kinks and ticks in his back perfectly.  She really was quite a marvel, they got into such terrible danger in their line of work and all those fights really took it out of you.

Romana was pretty again.  She was whole, she was lovely and she wasn’t something that was a cross between the hunchback of Notre Dame and K-9’s mother.  She wore revealing lingerie and a fine silk robe as she strutted down the catwalk, showing off her beauty and elegant poise to the world.  She was so very happy.

Romana watched her other selves consumed by the illusions of the dream world.  “Cretins.”  She said to herself.  “How can I be so guillible?”

“Self delusion is your strongest asset.”  The Black Guardian chuckled.  “Be my bride, my lover, my slave.”

“You’re not my type.”  Romana replied.

“What about now?”  The Guardian changed his apprearance into that of Romana’s girlfriend and she grinned.  “Like what you see?”

Romana nodded.  “Yes, very much so.  What do you want me to do?”

“Oh nothing much, start a couple of wars maybe, use your powers as President of Gallifrey.”

Romana kissed the Black Guardian and then nodded.  “I’m yours, for as long as I live.”

The Guardian sealed the deal by undressing herself slowly.

“Tea’s ready.”  Romana’s mother called out to all five versions of her child.  She greeted them all with a kiss and a cuppa.  “So, what have you been up to today?”

“Waterslide.”

“Hunting.”

“Relaxing.”

“Modelling.”

“Having sex, I mean such great fun.”

“That’s nice dear.”  Romana’s mother passed around a plate of cakes.

Up above, the sky started to fall…

The sky was broken, like a pane of glass

And all about did fall those wicked shards

Five did run for they were very scared, alas

Such stuff is not passed on in songs of bards

At last they came to a dark and gloomy cave

Filled with unsure delights like cheese and gold

This was not a place for the wise and the brave

For the gold was fake and the cheese had mould

Their rest was brief for there was no comfort

But one produced cakes and tea from her bag

All of them munched happily on a raspberry tort

Until they were tired and spirits began to sag

The first played a harp of jewelled finesse

The second danced to the tune with grace

The third muttered about the state of her dress

And the fourth and fifth about the cave did pace

The magical moonlight octopus did appear at last

With strong arms he carried all five to his castle

Up in the clouds the keep sailed so very fast

Like a magic boat it got by without any hassle

To the lair of the dream-smiths they went so quick

To call them out and seek answers they went

A sacrifice was called for, one that was most sick

And five sisters stood once Roma’s life was spent

The newest Romana was unlike all the rest

She was Venus and Aphrodite rolled into one

However she was more annoying, really a pest

And she upset the dream-smiths over a scone

Five did return whence to their lives of old

Three picked up where their lives left off

The newest had a row over a necklace of gold

And the first she regenerated, again a toff.