 short
cuts episode log
here's a list of all seven episodes that were supposed to air in stoneham until we realized what a bunch of nitwits they were. they will live on forever in rerun in boston and somerville. the producers want to know what you think of the show ... click here! |
episode one "the intro" 
30 minutes sidekick neil has ascended to the level of host and is joined by nine-year veteran of short cuts, mike kiddy. the crew was also introduced to jessup algonquin steed, who declared that smart food sucked. special guest big mikey introduced himself as the next greatest independent film maker and an introduction into his short film series about his life. and get all your long distance calls for under a buck (and free meat products to boot) when you dial 10-10-DOGAN. this episode has been lost forever. |
episode two "duck" 30 minutes billy d and rick learn it's a bad idea to fuck with duck, a disenchanted lawn ornament with a nasty attitude and homicidal tendencies. neil co-hosted short cuts for the first time with stupid green plant. neil discussed how stupid kids are today, while jessup stated that free-verse poetry sucked. big mikey showed us that in order to have a proper fashion ensemble, you only need about 12 articles of clothes -- and you don't even need to wear them all. newcomer richard stevens came out and stopped the first ever short cuts lottery when prof. dogan attempted to pull the numbers from his draws. |
episode three "swearing" 
30 minutes the show starts off with neil berating the new intern when he cannot find the proper xlr cable. richard stevens reprimands him for using curse words in the studio. neil, who discusses breast painting, is joined again by stupid green plant. among other things that suck, jessup discusses his displeasure with overweight females, or "fat chicks." big mikey unveils his new favorite product, "i can't believe it's not bacon!" special guest dr. scott helps short cuts viewers by taking phone calls dealing with various problems such as dropping acid to jumping off the side of buildings. |
episode four "lubex" 
30 minutes in the opening frame, neil is horrified to discover that someone in the studio (big mikey) has ordered various amounts of lubrication from the lubex corporation such as vegetable oil, vaseline and old 10w-30 motor oil from the gulf station down the street. plant gets hauled off the set for ranting about waking up to realize that some dirty prostitute had run off with his crack. big mikey professes his love of the greatest trilogy in the history of the universe, star wars. jessup bemoans the existence of keanu reeves. and last but certainly not least, the crew gets their first call of many from the world's oldest man, hershel. |
episode five "best of" 30 minutes neil opens the show with a public service announcement about skanky broads which quickly devolves into a marketing ploy for a new short cuts product, skanky broad holders. richard stevens quickly breaks that up when he realizes it is nothing more than an offensive crack and loose women. he brings out a list of complaints about the show and they go through all the characters and the various problems associated with each. clips of each of the characters are shown. in the end, neil declares that if the law allows them to be offensive on cable access, then dammit, they're going to be as offensive as can be. |
episode six "plant" 
30 minutes the show opens with a public service announcement from stupid green plant regarding the dangers of drug addiction. however, that goes awry when he starts complaining that all he needs is a quick fix. neil hauls him off when he fears they'll all get fired. throughout the show, the cast and crew have "tito fever" when they are tricked by the network into thinking that tito puente will be a guest on the show (yes, we know he's dead now). southie's own john leary joins the crew as neil's sidekick. a phone call from hershel reveals that he likes to eat crayons and is not neil's uncle. |
episode seven "i hate halloween" 
30 minutes this four-star episode starts off with richard stevens breaking up a writer's meeting to discuss neil's ensemble of death. neil has rigged razor blades in apples, soaked candy corns in antifreeze and filed a p.o. for plastic explosives along with directions to spooky world. in the host segments, neil laments about how much he hates halloween. jessup is pulled over by richard stevens for not being clean enough inside the studio, a problem that is solved by giving him handi-wipes. professor dogan attempts to teach the youngsters about safety with hose attachments until the hose goes haywire and latches onto his crotch (naturally). the show ends with a call from hershel a little confused about this whole halloween thing. |
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