SSRN SEAVIEW MEETING CALL
Full Moon
contingency plans
Meeting called by: Lt. Cmdr.
Morton
Type of meeting: Office plus vidscreen for all non duty personnel
Attendees: All hands not on watch between 1600 and 0600 on
10/31-11/01
Please read: ‘A Hairy Situation, A
Hormonal Imbalance or the Rage Within’; ‘The Werewolf Chronicles, A Study In
lycanthropy’
Agenda 1:
Dander Duty:
Be careful where you walk, run, or even hide if
the Admiral and /or Skipper mutate before they can be secured. Werewolf fur is
thicker than a Manbeast’s. But both shed like crazy and fur follicles are
pretty slippery things on the deck if you don’t use your high tread sneakers to
avoid slip sliding accidents.
This type of fur also encourages a lot of dandruff, making life
itchy for the rest of us as well as the Admiral and Skipper. In addition, if even a little gets into the
ventilation system or is spread by close contact it can easily contaminate the
boat.
Conclusions:
'Deluxe Dander Dissolver' is probably best to use against the hairy
beasts, but plug your noses and try not to get it into their eyes not only to
prevent distress but also to avoid later charges of cruelty to animals.
Everyone will be issued spray bottles of the dissolver. Apply
liberally. Best to apply to them from behind, to avoid being
attacked, clawed, and perhaps eaten.
If any gets on your skin, shower
immediately as it will probably peal your skin off. (Doc assures me it won't
hurt them while transformed.)
Agenda 2:
Flea Dippers
Both Werewolf and ManBeast fleas are hardy buggers. Almost indestructible. Just how they happen to appear on the
Admiral and Skipper is a mystery but it’s not our job to figure that out. Our
job is to try to minimize the discomfort the fleas will cause both our
commanding officers during and ourselves during and after attacks.
Conclusions:
As a precaution, Sickbay will distribute anti itch cream for
accidental infestation, as well as vials of liquid flea killer to apply to the
Skipper and Admiral If you can catch, subdue, and hold them still long enough.
Use caution not to get this on your skin as this formula is not only for
killing fleas, but also has had a successful trial run as a hair depilatory.
Doc assures me that baldness is only a temporary side effect and the Skipper's
always toyed with the idea of shaving his head for a little extra masculine
allure to the ladies. (He's always been a fan of Jean Luc Piccard and Yul
Brenner.)
Agenda 3:
Skipper Scooper-upper:
Don’t even begin to think what many of you are thinking. It’s a
given that if the Skipper has an attack he’s going to pass out either before,
during, or after transformation. He'll need someone to pick him up and carry
him back to his cabin or sickbay, depending on his condition.
Conclusions:
Be careful. He may come to suddenly. In
spite of his lean frame, he's all muscle and heavier than he looks. Back braces
for lifters will be available at several checkpoints along the main
companionways.
Agenda 4:
Nelson Neatener:
As you know there is no excuse for a rumpled
appearance aboard Seaview, nor excessive odiferous ness.
Conclusions:
Hand held
steam irons will be available on a rack in the Wardroom along with Febreeze
spritzer bottles. Doc assures me that the steam will not burn their fur through
their uniforms, and might even curl whatever of it peeks out into a more
attractive appearance.
Agenda 4:
Kibble
Keeper:
As you know, being a werewolf or a manbeast uses an incredible
amount of energy and we certainly don’t want either to go hungry either during
or after their ordeal.
Conclusions
Kibble will be piled in all adjoining corners
along the length of the boat.
Sweep up any left over crumbs on the deck for
the Skipper to snack on later, the craving afterwards a side effect Doc tells
me may be permanent. I have already contracted with the Krispy Kibble company for a regular supply.
****
SSRN SEAVIEW
CAPTAIN'S REPORT
Full Moon contingency
Item:
Dangerous dandruff:
Officers and crew
will not, I repeat not have slippy slide contests in the corridors.
Almost bumped into Nelson myself and he's howling mad.
Item:
Fumigated fleas:
Have a heart. Please
don't use either the Admiral's or my scalp as a mirror either when grooming
yourselves for the watch, or just checking to see if you're properly attired.
In addition, the
laundry will not re-label my uniforms 'Mr. Clean' instead of 'Capt. Crane'.
Don't use bleach on them to match my head either.
Item:
Get into shape men! New fit rep
schedules have been drafted.
Item:
Rumples & Wrinkles:
Nelson's happy with
his rumpled appearance, thank you very much, so don't try to change it.
Please
deliver one of the hand held steam irons to my cabin on the eve of shore
leave. My chest hair's never been
prettier.
Item:
Crispy Kibble:
Please remove lint and various
other debris swept up off deck before serving me bowls of the stuff. I really prefer it straight
without the added seasoning.
#####
SSRN
SEAVIEW
ADMIRAL
NELSON
Gentlemen, cease and desist. We all appreciate
a good shipboard joke, but Jiggs is beginning to wonder if there may be a grain
of truth to your 'meeting/reports'.
Yes, copies accidentally got into the mail bag
to ComsubPac...in the meantime, I have some little blue bows that fell off the
scrapbook Edith sent me that would be just perfect to wind some of that curly
chest hair around, Lee. The ladies are sure to be impressed.
^^^^
SSRN SEAVIEW
Capt. Clean, Crane.
Gee, I wonder if
they'll go with my dress blues...nah, probably get all spoiled from the Kibble
dribble.
****
SSRN SEAVIEW
Lt. Cmdr. Morton
You know, lee, he may have a point about those bows. Think about
how nice the Beast looked when he dated Beauty.
-----
SSRN SEAVIEW
CAPT. CRANE
Perhaps it's time I tried that flea dip. Gee, I wonder, will it
hurt?
****
SSRN SEAVIEW
Lt.
Cmdr. Morton
Awww, Lee, the ladies will be soooo disappointed
your chest hair got all depilatoried. Especially since you're
not really bald at all. Oh well, we can't all be 'Jean Luc' .