the first time I saw you
I remember the first time I saw you
I went to your doorstep and rang the bell
your parents told me your dog's name was henry
and I laughed and said, "hey, that's my name as well"
and I remember your face as you came down the stairway
with your ebony hair and your deep hazel eyes
and at the sight of your beauty I started to quiver
and I just couldn't think of the right thing to say
and my hands started shaking, my heart palpitating
my palms started sweating and then I ran out of breath
and I fell on the floor and then I started to vomit
and I lost all control of my bodily functions
and you went to the kitchen so you could get paper towels
to clean up the mess I'd just made on your floor
but by that time I'd already emptied my bowels
and I just didn't seem to give a damn anymore
so I took off my pants and started humping your doggie
and your parents threatened to call the police
so I yanked out their phone cord and I closed all the curtains
and said, "don't move or nobody leaves here alive"
so here I am in this cold, lonely jail cell
thinking of you and the times that we had
and you're probably laughing about the whole misunderstanding
and I just get that same old feeling again
my hands start to shake and my heart starts to beat
and my palms start to sweat and then I ran out of breath
and I fall on the floor and I start to vomit
and I lose all control of my bodily functions
star banger*
schwarzenegger, bruce willis, sly stallone
harrison ford and tommy lee jones
steve seagal,
claude van damme, jackie chan and chris tucker
there's one thing that they all share
they've all been in my girl's underwear
that's right,
everybody she's a star... banger
eminem, kid rock, marilyn manson
I think she even did that little kid from hanson
mmmmm bop!
she's a star banger
flash in the pan, two-hit wonder
I think men at work even went down under
who can it be next?
she's a star banger
james spader, ralph nader
hugh grant did her and I think he even paid her
she's a pretty pink,
left wing, fifty dollar fling star banger
the smothers brothers, tina yothers
she didn't do her but I think she did her mother
that makes
her a smothers brothers tina yothers' mother banger
ronald mcdonald, aunt jemima
col. sanders even did it from behind her
big mac, flap jack, do
it in the back star banger
redd foxx, jimmie walker, soupy sales, dennis hopper
paul newman, buddy ebsen, bob and tom and
chick and cyndi lauper
she's a star....
and that's one of the reasons people should get my upcoming cd, so
they can hear the way that song actually goes... which will be out in may, and, uh...I'll be in saginaw, michigan tonight.
....banger
* this version is transcribed from an appearance that henry made on "the bob and tom show". hence, the cleaned-up
for radio lyrics (star banger instead of star fucker) and the mention of bob and tom and chick mcgee and henry's upcoming
cd and concert gig.
henry's website:
