by Carianne:lostangel52577@yahoo.com

Flashbacks are in italics.

Buffy was patrolling alone. She did a sweep of the campus, but like this summer, Sunnydale was uncharacteristically demon free. Buffy figured she should ask Giles about it next time he called. It should have filtered out that the Initiative was gone, and the demons should have returned.

Buffy decided to patrol further into town away from the university. It wasn't like she had any better plans. Plus being around Willow, and having to lie was getting harder, and harder for Buffy. It wouldn't have been so hard if everything didn't remind her of Spike.

Buffy was torn from her thoughts as she became aware of footsteps behind her. She smiled to herself at the thought of some good old fashioned, clean violence.

Buffy ducked down a deserted street, and stepped into a small crack between two buildings. She listened, as the footsteps get closer. Anticipation built inside of Buffy, and adrenaline rushed through her body.

When she heard the footsteps inches away from her hiding place, Buffy reached out, and grabbed the arm of her stalker. The owner of the arm yelped, and Buffy propelled him into the side of the building face first. Buffy jumped out from her hiding place ready to battle, but when she saw Riley's crumbled body on the ground she gasped.

"Oh my God, Riley. I'm so sorry."

Buffy crouched down next to him, and put her arm around his shoulder. "Are you okay?" she asked.

Riley struggled to his feet with help from Buffy. "I'll be okay. You sure haven't gotten rusty."

"I was a little overexcited at the possibility of a good slay. It's been a long time since I last got to give it good to a demon. I was just itching for a good fight," she laughed.

"Well, I'm not exactly a demon," Riley laughed as he rubbed his bruised head.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay?" Buffy asked growing concerned at the sight of his bleeding forehead.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," Riley assured her, but added, "In a few days."

"Want me to walk you home?" Buffy offered.

"No, I'm okay, really," Riley insisted.

Riley started to walk away, but the blow to his head had thrown of his balance, and he ran back into the wall. Buffy rushed to his side, and steadied him.

"Maybe I should take you up on that offer after all. I seem to be a bit dissoriented," Riley said with a little laugh.

"No problem. Let's go."

Buffy held Riley's arm to steady him, and they began the walk back to Riley's place in silence.

"Buffy," Riley began, but stopped.

"Yeah," Buffy prodded him.

"Buffy, I wanted to talk to you about yesterday."

Buffy cut him off. "Now's not probably the best time to discuss this. You just took a blow to the head. We should just get you home."

"No discussion. I just wanted to say that it's okay. You can tell me if you met someone this summer. I can take it, and I really would just prefer to know."

"Riley," Buffy interrupted.

Riley continued, "I don't want any secrets between us, and I really just want to know where I stand."

"Riley," Buffy started again.

"Isn't that Hostile 17?" Riley asked pointing up ahead.

Buffy's heart stopped, and then began to pound uncontrollably in her chest. She slowly looked to where Riley was pointing. She just hoped that if it was Spike she could control her emotions.

What Buffy saw shocked her. Spike was fighting two huge horned demons. He was definitely holding his own, but Buffy couldn't help wondering why they were fighting in the first place. It wasn't like Spike had to fight demons anymore, because he couldn't hurt humans.

One of the demons kicked the legs out from under Spike sending him crashing to the ground. Without even thinking, Buffy rushed over to the fight as fear overwhelmed her.

Buffy grabbed the closest demon, and snapped his neck before anyone knew what was going on. As the demon's body fell limply to the ground, Buffy grabbed the other demon, and levied a series of punches to it's gut, and face. With the demon startled, Buffy spun and sent the demon staggering backwards with a sharp kick to the chest.

Buffy allowed herself one quick look at Spike, who was on his feet now. Relieved that he was okay, Buffy focused in on the last demon, but in the few seconds she had allowed herself to check on Spike, the demon had recovered, and was now charging right at her.

Unable to get out of the way, the demon barreled straight into Buffy sending them both crashing to the ground. Buffy's body thudded onto the ground, and the fall knocked the wind out of her. The demon fell on top of her, and Buffy tried to push him off, while at the same time fill her lungs with much needed air. The demon's scaly hands wrapped around Buffy's throat, and squeezed. Buffy felt her lungs closing up, but as quickly as it started it stopped. Buffy breathed in, and out trying to get air in her lungs.

When she was no longer having trouble breathing, Buffy sat up. She watched Spike in shock as he attacked the demon with such anger, and hatred that the demon was hardly recognizable anymore. Realizing Spike wasn't going to stop, Buffy called out to him.

Hearing her call his name, Spike stopped mid punch, and recoiled his hand. It was like hearing her voice snapped him out of his crazed tirade. He slid his hand under his coat, and pulled out a knife. He quickly buried it into the demons chest. Spike twisted on the knife, and then yank it up, and out, splitting the demons chest open. The demon's body fell to the ground. Buffy stood up, and jogged over to Spike to see if he was okay.

Spike turned around, and angrily shouted, "What are you doing here?"

"Saving your ass," Buffy replied in anger at his obvious desire not to see her.

"I was fine, and I had to save your ass," he growled back.

"Sorry for caring," Buffy cried out close to tears.

"Is everything all right, Buffy?" Riley asked as he walked up behind her.

Spike's head snapped to look at Riley, and jealousy burned dangerously in his eyes. Buffy froze completely terrified. She had forgotten Riley was there, and she was now scared of Spike's reaction, as well as Riley's.

"I was just leaving," Spike said through clenched teeth before disappearing into the night.

"Buffy, what just happened?" Riley asked dumbfounded.

"I don't know."

~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy pushed open the crypt door, and slowly walked inside. It was pitch black, but Buffy could feel Spike's presence.

"Spike?" she called out into the darkness.

"Slayer, what do you want?" His voice came from the far corner, and Buffy made her way carefully through the blackness toward him.

"I just want to know why?" Buffy answered.

"Why what?"

Buffy stopped a few feet from him, but in the complete darkness she could barely make out his form.

"Why were you fighting those demons?" Buffy asked.

Buffy heard the click of Spike's lighter, and his face lit up from the flame. He lit his cigarette, and then shut off his lighter. Buffy could now see the faint profile of his face from the slight glow cast off by the burning cigarette.

"We had a little disagreement. I'm fine."

"Spike," Buffy started.

"I'm fine, slayer. It was no big deal," Spike cut her off angrily.

"Spike I know," Buffy almost whispered the words.

Spike snapped his head to look at Buffy. He could see her clearly in the pitch blackness of the crypt. She was looking straight at him, and Spike was thankful that she couldn't see the pain in his eyes. The pain that was still there from seeing her with Riley. The pain of not being able to touch her. The pain of loving her.

The pain was quickly replaced with anger. Anger at her for coming here. Anger at her for being with another man. Anger at her for making him love her.

Buffy continued, "I know you've been killing demons, and vampires for months now."

"Who told you?" Spike asked in shocked rage.

Anger boiled inside of Buffy as well, as he all but admitted that it was true. "It's not important," Buffy answered as her mind flashed back to strong arming Willy earlier that night. "At least now I know why there were no demons all summer. Why would you do that? I don't need you to protect me. I can take care of myself."

"I know," Spike replied taking a drag of his cigarette trying to calm himself down.

"Why then? Just tell me why?" Buffy shouted.

"It's fun," Spike sarcastically shot back quickly losing the battle to control his anger.

"Don't lie to me, please." Buffy begged.

"Who says I'm lying?"

Buffy moved so she was standing directly in front of him now. "Damn you, you can't do this to me," Buffy shouted.

"Do what?" Spike shouted back.

"Invade my life like that, and not tell me why."

"You want the truth. Fine, I'm a man," he shouted.

"What?" Buffy asked completely confused, and taken aback.

She took a few steps away from him, but Spike was beyond angry now. He closed the distance she tried to give herself, and grabbed her shoulders.

Spike continued his angry tirade. "I'm a man. Maybe not a living breathing one, but one all the same. I have this natural urge to be manly, and protect the women I'm…"

Spike stopped as he realized he came dangerously close to telling Buffy how he really felt. All the anger instantly evaporated from his body as he realized what he almost said. He let go of her shoulders, and backed away from her.

"You're what?" Buffy asked as she trembled at the thought of what Spike might have said.

"That I'm shagging. It's all about being macho, and manly," Spike answered without a hint of emotion in his voice.

His words hit her hard. She retreated backwards from him as what he said sunk in. At first she felt sick, but slowly rage grew inside of her. It was quickly joined by hatred. Hatred for him, and for herself.

"I don't need you to protect me. I can take care of myself, and we're not together anymore. Stay the hell out of my life," Buffy shouted.

Spike instantly regretted what he said. He didn't mean it. He just wanted her to go away before he didn't have the strength to let her go, but he couldn't let her leave thinking it was all about sex.

"Slayer, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way."

"Just how did you mean it then?" she questioned him.

"It was always more then just shagging. You know that."

"How much more?" Buffy asked, as hope swelled inside of her.

"We're friends."

"Friends?" Buffy repeated disappointment evident in her voice.

"Slayer, go back to soldier boy. That's where you belong."

Buffy gathered all her courage, and asked, "Is that what you want?"

Buffy held her breath as she waited for Spike to answer. It seemed like hours to her as she stared at him straining her eyes to see him in the blackness. If only she could see his eyes she would know the answer without having to hear it.

"Yes," Spike lied using the last of his strength.

"Okay," Buffy choked out.

Buffy turned around, and ran away fighting the tears that threatened to fall. Spike fought the urge to stop her. He knew this was how things had to be. At the door Buffy stopped, and turned to the darkness. She couldn't see him, but knew he was there watching her.

"Thank you," Buffy whispered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy knocked hesitantly on Riley's door. When the door opened, Buffy smiled at Riley. His hair was rumpled, and he only wore a pair of seats. It was clear that he had just woken up.

"Can we talk?" Buffy asked.

"Sure, come in," Riley offered.

He opened the door wider, and Buffy walked into his room. Riley quickly grabbed a shirt, and pulled it over his head.

"Sorry, I wasn't expecting company," Riley apologized. "Please, sit."

Buffy sat on the edge of Riley's bed. She picked at the comforter as she gathered her courage to speak. After the encounter with Spike last night, Buffy had walked Riley home in silence, but now she had some explaining to do.

"I owe you an explanation," Buffy began.

Riley sat next to her on the bed, and Buffy continued, "Last year was very confusing, and hard for me. I had to adjust to a lot of changes all at once. I was in college, and for the first time in three years, Angel wasn't there to watch out for me. My friends, who had always been this stable supporting constant, were scattered, and part of that was my fault. I pushed them away, and threw myself into college life. Mostly it was to forget the past, to forget Angel.

Our past was so painful, that I couldn't get over it, so I pushed it away, buried it, and tried forget every last detail of it. The problem was that the past made me who I was. It formed me, and changed me, and I forgot it, and tried to reinvent myself into a person who was perfect, and happy, and normal."

Buffy paused and took a deep breath before forging ahead again. "To top that off Faith came to town, and turned my life upside down, and the whole Adam thing put even more strain on my already tumultuous life. Anyway, the point is that at the end of it all I didn't know who I was."

"Buffy you don't have to explain last year. We got past that, I thought?"

"We did, Riley, but last year directly influenced the choices I made this summer. There's no easy way to say this Riley, but there was another guy."

Buffy stopped, and looked at Riley to gauge his reaction. Riley took a deep breath, and shock, and hurt was evident on his face.

"Wow. I mean I thought it, but hearing you say it is a shock."

"I'm sorry. I wish I could say it was a mistake, but it wasn't."

"What?" Riley asked completely blown away by her non-apology.

"He helped me realize who I was. He made me realize that I couldn't change the past, and run from it. He brought back the Buffy that was gone all last year. I'm stronger now, more confident, more stable, and a better person, but Riley it's over. It was never meant to last. It was just what I needed at that moment."

"I don't know what to say."

"I'm sorry. I really am, but the reason I'm saying all this is because I want to be with you."

"This guy dumped you, and I'm your second choice?" Riley shouted finally recovering from the shock.

"No, it was never suppose to last. I just wanted to heal, and he was the only one who could heal me."

"That doesn't make me feel any better."

"I know. I'm sorry," Buffy apologized again.

"Stop apologizing," Riley shouted.

"Sorry," Buffy mumbled.

Riley glared at her, and then they both erupted into laughter. When they quiet down, Riley turned serious.

"Who was he?" Riley asked.

"It's not important," Buffy answered looking away from Riley's intense gaze.

"Just please tell me it wasn't Angel," Riley begged.

"I swear it wasn't Angel. I talked to him once over the phone this summer. He asked to borrow one of Giles' books. Cordelia came and got it."

"Okay, I believe you. Do you really want to be with me?" Riley asked still a little insecure.

"Yes, I want to be with you. I know I've been a little off lately, but I needed a little time to adjust. To know that it was okay to be who I am around you, and that's why I'm telling you all of this, so we can move on," Buffy answered almost convincing herself of it.

Riley reached over, and pulled Buffy into a hug. Buffy pushed comparisons to Spike out of her mind. Riley was the future. Spike was the past. He made that clear last night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spike pulled away from her, and leaned against the wall. "Pesky sun, you know?"