TESTIMONY OF KEVIN JOHNSON
The rage in my body, I cannot even describe. I know that I wanted to snatch his life out with my bare hands. If my hands touched his body, I knew I would kill him; there was no doubt in my mind what would happen! That is how I did things!
I do not know where to start. Guess we can start here; my name is Kevin Johnson, I was born October 1963. We will start with one of the 1st stories told to me.
When my mom and dad got into a fight. The stories differ on what it was about but does not matter. What happened was my dad shot at my mom. He missed mom and the bullet went through our living room window and went through the neighbors living room window and shot the next-door lady in the wrist. Dad picked me up, (I was still a baby) and took me to my Grandma's. This is how my life got started.
I remember a lot about the neighborhood where I grew up in Manner Brook Indiana, over by Anderson. It was not a bad neighborhood, or I never thought it was. When I was five or so I remember playing in the alley, my neighbors had a basketball goal, and I found a hypodermic syringe, took it home and showed my dad. He freaked out and threw it away. I do remember that, so drugs were always around.
As I got older, I hung around with the older crowd in the neighborhood or tried to. There were some biker folks that lived right behind us. That is where their garage was and I used to go over and watch them work on their bikes, I believe that is when
I got the passion for motorcycles.
As time went on I found myself grounded, always in trouble of some kind did not matter if it was my fault or not, it was just that way. Seamed like my life was complicating my parents life. I remember at one point, I spent Christmas in the Anderson Orphans Home, even though I had two sets of parents, for they both had remarried. I kept thinking, Santa is not going to bring me anything, I think about it yet today and it brings tears to my eyes and breaks my heart. The other kids knew they were going to get something, because they lived there. Most of them did not have parents and were getting something and here I thought I was worst off then them for I had two sets of parents and neither set wanted me! I just felt like I was never wanted.
When Christmas Day came, the kids were in the other room, I was setting in a room by myself and Santa came in the room where I was at and handed me a present with my name on it. There were toys in it for me, I just started crying! That was one of the worst and best memories that stick in my mind to this day.
I joined the Army in 1981, mostly to get away from home, I needed to go out on my own, that was the easiest way I thought to become a man. Not only did I learn how to keep my body fit, I learned how to kill people, how to do drugs, drink, smoke, everything! What the Army did not teach me someone else would. I was experimenting with just about any kind of drugs. There were a lot of situations that happened in the service, really cannot tell you what I was thinking.
It is kind of hard Sis. Willis to do this, I got out of the service in 1983 because I felt abandon, my friends were leaving, my sergeant wanted to get me out. He was pressuring me everyday. Hey, you want to get out? He would write me up for things that everyone else did and they got away with it; but that is ok, that is how my life went. Any way, I just did not care any more, decided I was going to quit the Army (laughs). Of all things, you just cannot quit the Army; anyway, that is what they tell me! I went AWOL, and started hitchhiking across the country. Was not concerned of time, I would steal to eat. A lot of people do not understand that when your hungry you do things you normally would not do. I was AWOL for about two weeks, just a little ways from Indiana and decided to call mom and asked her if I came home would they call the police on me? She said, No, No, we wont call the police on you, just come on home. Apparently as soon as we got off the phone that is just what she done, called the police.
The story in my mind is different then my brothers, he can remember better then me, it is sort of a flash in my mind. I figure that is for a reason, there are a lot of things that happened in my life I really do not remember. I believe that is the Grace of God.
I got home from being on the road, got bathed and when I got out of the tub I remember my mom and step dad at my dads house setting at the table. I was wondering what is going on, it must be about me, it has to be or why else would they be here. They told me to set down, we have to have a talk, and they begin to talk to me and again, I was wrong, as always my whole childhood, always wrong! Nothing I did was right! I tried to let them know I did have a plan, if I stayed two more weeks I would go back to the Army, they would process me out and that would be it. They did not see it that way; nobody would listen to me and not only that, told me the police were on their way.
Well, with police coming I decided I was going to leave, my dad was a 350 lb. Ex-Marine and the only way I was going to leave was to go through him and he was not going to let me do it. I said, OK and as I dropped my duffle bag, he took a swing at me and I ducked for the first time in my life. Normally the beating was mine to take. I dont want to make it sound like he was a bad person or anything, I love my dad but there were a lot of, well, I guess no other words could describe it, except to say beatings. When I was sixteen he put away the belt and started using his fist. That is the only way I can describe it, Beatings!
Anyway, we were out in the garage and my dad swung at me and I ducked and as we were getting ready to fight mom came to the back door and said the cops were there. I grabbed my bag and headed out the door where I met the cops in the driveway. There were five state troopers and one county sheriff. They proceeded to put the handcuffs on me, I was more than happy to go with them; in fact, I was relieved to go with them. Both sets of parents standing there, I turned around and I looked at them with my handcuffs behind my back I turned so they could see the handcuffs, I said, You guys did this to your own son, thank you, you guys did it all. I cant even believe you did this to your own son, then I turned back to the police and said get me out of here, (with a few choice words).
I went from the Madison county jail to Fort Benjamin Harrison, there I was picked up and they took me back to the Fort Campbell to the stockade. Where I had a summer court marshal. The military has their own way of doing things I guess; I did not get to say anything about my side of the story or anything else. That is the way it happens!
I did a month or so in the stockade and from there, I thought my sentence had already been served but then they sent me to Fort Riley Retraining Brigade, which is the minimum-security camp. Prison Camp is the only way to describe it. There you go through all kinds of (pause) Hell. I got out of the service finally and came home and asked mom if I could live with her, she said yes, I was smoking marijuana and mom had told me when I moved in, I know you smoke, I just dont want you to smoke in my house, so I said fine, thats not a problem, and I never did but she found a pipe and some sheets in my coat one day going through my things and told me to get out. I asked her, How long do I have? She said, I want you out now! Not giving me a day, not giving me a week or anything like that, she said now! I said ok, so I went to live in Muncie with a friend of mine who was going to Ball State.
As time went on, I met a girl in Pendleton and decided to go to New England to see one of my old Army buddies and asked her to go with me. I stayed out there for about six years, had a lot of different jobs, mostly construction, still doing a lot of drugs and drinking. I felt so alone a lot of times, even though I had a couple different girl friends. There was one I was ready to marry, wanting to get my life together so I could be with her and she ended up leaving. I was depressed and attempted suicide by cutting my arm up one night. Drank a whole bunch of whiskey and just started cutting my self up. I woke up the next morning and went to the neighbors apartment and asked if he would take me to the hospital. Admitted myself and that is where I stayed for a week or so. Did a lot of thinking but not about what Gods plan for me was. I thought everyone had given up on me so far, I figured God did to! I finally left New England, which is where I met my wife, she was getting a divorce from her husband and moved back to Denver, and so after a couple months I went to be with her. I sold my motorcycle and bought a plane ticket so I could be with her. I thought I could straighten everything up in my life all by myself, which I could not do; I tried, but was still doing drugs. I was not a very nice person; I just was not a nice guy. There were things that I did Sis. Willis that I am not proud of, so many sad things as I think of them and it breaks my heart to even speak about them. I hurt a lot of people; I was dealing drugs if I could, and at the time, I thought that is what I had to do. You know, I wasnt aware of all the other stuff, if somebody threaten me in any way, my only course of action which seem natural to me because of the way I was brought up, and way I was raised, it just seem natural to me to fight them. That is how I handled things. If anybody confronted me about anything, that is how I handled it. I didnt know any difference, I just didnt understand how other people handled things like that you know, thats how I handled things, thats the way I did it!
My wife, who was not my wife yet, you know her Sis. Willis. She was really good through a lot of my peaks and valleys; I guess she was always there supportive. We moved to Arizona so I could go to school. I would hurt my back on a construction job in Colorado; I knew I was never going to do that again so I took classes on motorcycles. I had always been around them and thought that would be a great job for me.
We got to Arizona; we went from the east coast and now we are in Phoenix Arizona, she said, before we go anywhere else were going to get married. I loved her and just wanted her to be sure, for I never believed in divorce. We were married in 1992, had a lot of rough times while I was going to school. Just being hungry and trying to make it was really rough on everybody but we made it. We tried going to church a couple time in Colorado but something always just kept pulling us away. We would make excuses on why not to go.
We decided to move back to Indiana after I graduated school. Packed up everything and headed back. I should also mention this, for it is an important part of my testimony. We will have to back track a little bit but in-between the time I went to Denver to be with When I went to be with Bernice from New England to Colorado, and when we were in Colorado, she left me because her brother died, and whenever she is traumatized, she does things she would not normally do. Anyway, she left me. I was not traumatized but was hurt deeply. And so I took off and went to California, (this is a real important part of my testimony Sis. Willis and I do not want to leave this out). I loved Bernice and her two girls so much I did not know what I was going to do so I packed everything I had in the back of my 1974 Dodge Dart and headed toward California where my mom lived. Somewhere along the way, (I made it through the Rockies) out side of Selena Utah, around that area my car decided to stop, the transmission just would not take another hill. So I pulled off the side of the road, This is it, this is where Im going to die! It was late at night, so I just lay down in the car and tried to sleep. Next morning I woke up and knew that Selena was just up the road apiece and I had to get a ride. There was a semi truck that started up as I got out of the car. As he was heading my way, I just walked out in front of him. I figured that he was going to give me a ride or run me over, that is just the way I felt about it. He stopped and I opened the door, he told me he did not give people rides but I will make an exception. He gives me a ride into town, which was about fifty miles or so. I ate breakfast, and then called my mom. I told her about my car and said if I get it running, I am just going to drive it off of one of these cliffs and that would be just fine with me. She knew that I was devastated because Judy had left me. Mom said no no, dont do that and after I got through talking with her I started walking back to my car and it was a long ways back.
It was still early in the morning, around seven or eight oclock, but getting pretty warm out, its in the high dessert and Im just walking along feeling really, really bad. I started cussing God, I cussed at Him, I screamed at Him, I just wanted to know, I cant even think of everything I said to Him that day, but I know I cussed God, I told Him, if your really out there, really out there, I dont want you to part the Red Sea or anything major like that, just show me something really small that I know your actually there, that Im not just sitting here talking to myself, just let me know that your there, thats all I wanted Him to do. I just didnt want to be alone, talking to myself, praying to a wall, Im praying to the sky, Im praying to a God, I wanted to know that He was there. Just something small God, please! I am walking along, crying, still talking, I did not know if I was talking to God or just the sand.
I was walking along and if you have never hitched hiked you really have to understand; women do not pick up men on the high way, it hardly ever happens. However, this woman stopped and gave me a ride. She was talking to me, but my thoughts were elsewhere. I had tears in my eyes and I was not talking that much as she gave me a ride to my car. I did thank her but did not think that much about it. I walked over to the car and grabbed my guitar, sat down on the hood and figured the buzzards will be here soon and their going to start pick-en off my bones or something. (Chuckles) I had just basically given up; I just did not know what was going to happen.
Then this person that comes driving by and asked if I could tell him where the restroom is. I said yes, its on the other side of the highway over where the rest area is, he said oh, and as he was getting ready to take off again, he said, you wouldnt need any help by chance would you? I do not know what you can do; my car just will not go anywhere, that is all. He ask me if it was all right to take a look at it? I told him it was all right with me if it is not too much trouble that would be great. This person I have never met before in my whole life, parks his car and crawls under my car and starts working on my transmission. He finally figures out what is wrong with it and drives me all the way to town got the parts and he fixed my car. I realized something, that God didnt give me one little thing like I asked for, He gave me a truck drive that never gives people a ride, the woman that picked me up, the man that fixed my car, and another person while we were fixing it, that was willing to put my car on a triple A form to tow it back into town if it didnt get fixed. I was telling this man what God had done, and thats when he told me, I dont usually help strangers out with things like that, I just dont do it. Well, I totally understand because today has been nothing but a bunch of surprises for me too. This is a very important part of my testimony, for I asked for one simple little thing like one little miracle, one little miracle, nothing big, and God gave me three or four. It took me a while to realize it!!!
I thanked the man for fixing my car, and I drove it all the way to California. My brother was on his way from there to meet me in case I didnt make it, he was going to give me a ride, I met him on the road, and he followed me back. I got a job, started going to church there, I prayed every night, please God, give me Bernice back, I want to be with her, I want to be with Bernice. God did just that, He gave her back to me. She called one day and said, COME HOME. In addition, I said, OK, I AM ON MY WAY, BUT WE ARE GOING TO GET MARRIED. We got back together and I went to school in Phoenix
NOW COMING TO THE MORE RECENT PART OF MY LIFE:
We were married for eight years known each other for thirteen years. The life style we led was not the June Clever type, I was still smoking pot but was not drinking that much. Bernice started dancing in the Topless Bar, I totally supported her, if that was what she wanted to do, I was more than happy to let her does it. Which was a huge mistake to say the lest. I thought everything was going to be fine. We tried going to church and if we did not feel like getting up, we did not. We did not argue that much, in fact hardly at all. We got along pretty good. I got a couple jobs when we came back and I thought everything was ok. I guess the beginning was, to me in my eyes anyway. I was working at Chrysler and a couple people ask me to come back to church and I said yea, yea,yea! When I told her she said yea, yea, yea, she did not feel comfortable, I think there was a reason for that, I understand it and if no one else does, I do. She had a better excuse then I did.
My job at Chrysler came to an end; they fired me. I was so worry about my family, and what was I going to do that I just freaked out, no other way to describe it, I just freaked out! Bernice told me not to worry, everything would be all right. I told her, you and the kids would be better without me. I am tired hurting you guys; you should not have to go down with me, just because I am going straight to hell you do not have to go to. I hurt her feelings by telling her, I dont think Im in love with you anymore, but I did not mean it. That was the only way I could get her to spark up and leave! I think about it now, I do not know what I was thinking, I did not want to hurt her and I did hurt her very much, very much. I guess from that point on, she put up a wall between us, she was back dancing and I guess she met someone and I was completely unaware. I got another job and was working and thinking everything is going to be aright now after all. Little did I know that she had someone else already, I guess he said the right things to her or what ever.
Anyway, She left one night after someone gave me a call and said they seen her with a man. I asked her if there was somebody, she said no, two days later she left with a note on the door, saying we are going to be gone for a while. A couple days to a week. When I finally found her she really did not want to talk to me, but said she had to go to Colorado and wanted me to take her to the train station, which I did. She came back a week early and had her boyfriend pick her up. I came home from work one day and the house was cleaned out and I lost it.
This is the part of the testimony I am very ashamed of, but this is the part that people need to hear or read.
She was gone, the house was empty and my heart was broken. My whole world had come to an end as far as I was concerned. I got out of my work clothes, took a shower and got cleaned up put on a nice shirt, nice pair of pants. Pastor Urshan called me said he wanted to talk to her. I said if she comes here, I would surely let him know. She had told me she would come but she never did.
I set in my living room with a Colt Forty-Five Handgun on my lap Cocked and Loaded. I had written a note to her, to let her know what to do with my things, that I was sorry, and I was not goanna hang around anymore, I was tired.
Pastor Urshan came to my house, never been there before I dont think he knew there was a loaded Colt forty-five right next to me the whole time he was there. He set on my couch and talked to me a little while, I told him a couple things I did not tell him every thing, just a couple things. As he was getting ready to leave, I ask the man, If I kill myself will I go to hell? He said, You surely will. Which kind of made me mad, not because he said it but because I did not want to go to hell. I just figured there was an exception to the rule. I know that theres not, after he left I set and thought about it and thought about it, finally I just got tired of setting, it was late at night and I had to find her. I talked to a friend of mine on the phone and I just knew I had to go find her; I do not what he said to me that made know I had to go.
I left the house and ten minutes later, I did find her. I found the new trailer she had bought, started to walk up the drive way and she meets me, and there is a guy behind her. I walked toward him with rage in my body, I cannot even describe it. I know I wanted to snatch his life out with my hands. I knew if my hands touched him, I would kill him, no doubt in my mind that is exalty what would have happened. As I said, that is how I did things.
I prayed everyday, everyday, that she was gone, God please bring her home, please. I did a lot of praying, had got back in church at ZION TABERNACLE in Kokomo, In. and received the Holy Ghost, but the rage I felt that night was still there. This is the part that amazes me because of the rage that I felt in my whole being, it wanted to kill! Bernice got in-between us, she was saying no, no, no, by the time she got to the last no, the feeling of rage was gone! It takes longer for me to explain than it did to actually happen. The guy looked at me, turned and walked to the trailer and I turned around and said, No, it is not worth it. I asked her, give me ten minutes of honestly for thirteen years, so walked around for a little while and talked I told her we had some things to take care of as far as paper work goes. If this is what you want, I understand. And I let it go at that.
I do not quit praying for her. Since then, we have been divorced, which totally goes against everything that I believed in. I do not believe in divorce at all. I thank God for everything He has done for me; He has seen me through so many things. He has seen me through my childhood when I thought there was no body there. He was the only one that was there, (even when I didnt think I was there). He healed my wounds.
God given me so much, delivered me from drugs, from alcohol, cigarettes. I was living a life that was taking me to hell; there is no other nice way to put it. I would fight, and all of those other rotten things I would do, God said, Are you done now? Finally after being the stubborn soul that I was, I said, Yes, you broke me God, Ive lost everything in my life, you broke me, and Im yours.
I want to say this to whoever reads your book Sis. Willis, If you wait, and everything that has happened to me happens to you, you might wait to long. You might die before God breaks you. I lost everything, everything in my life that was important to me, everything. However, God replaced that with something that was so much greater. I think of the things that He has said to me, that bring tears of joy to my eyes, it fills my heart with such warmness.
I told my ex-wife this, the reason, one of the reasons, the biggest reason that I think that we got divorced is, that we tried to take care of our marriage ourselves. I loved her more than I loved God, which was true, I told her, we left God out of our marriage for so long, and He let us choose our own road and look where it got us! So if you are married, bring God into your marriage, it will grow so much stronger. If you are not married yet, put God in your heart first, you do not have to be lonely. He will give you something so much greater; He will give you a new love. He promised me, for I asked for one. I said if I am going to have to get divorced Lord, I want another wife. I know she is there, she is waiting me. God has made a plan for me; I know He has a plan for me. They sang, Joy Unspeakable, that is just what it is, Joy Unspeakable! I cannot even express the Joy and Love, everything that He has given me. I see things in a whole new prospective and a new light.
I smoked cigarettes for twenty-three years and God took them away like, right now! It was not, let us try the step program, He did not say cut down, He stopped it all together, He delivered me from the addiction. I had long hair and beard, and you know what I look like now. All I know is I give God all the Glory and thank Him daily for letting me see another day, for I know He saved someone like me and I am not worthy.
I know He loves me and has a plan for me, and I am so thankful He has not let go of my hand, even though I let go of His. I thank Him for that. I thank Him for the saints of my church at ZION TABERNACLE; I thank Him a lot for you Sis. Willis because I told you before that you do not do what you do for the glory; you do it for the Glory of God. I thank God for you for never giving up on me. You were always on my mind, my heart and I love you and I just want you to know that.
I get inspiration, and joy from things I never thought was possible. When I minister to somebody or give someone my testimony or just tell them everything is going to be all right. I tell them, ask God, get on your knees, He will listen, thats right He will listen. He answers prayers!!!!
That is my testimony Sis. Willis. TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!! AMEN! He is the greatest thing in my life; it is always going to be that way until He takes me home!!!
NO PAROLE FROM HELL