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Sean's Stolen Calculator

The Truth (mostly truth) behind a graphing calculator heist in our local area.

Downfall - Trust Company

It has semi-recently come to my attention that my friend, Sean ____ (his last name will not be given out until I get the ok from seann) Has had his Ti83 plus Graphing calculator stolen from him! In a recent interview, the poor defenseless victim told me* that if he ever sees the thief, he will say to him "Mother F***er! Ima rip out yo F***ing heart, throw it to the ground, and stomp on it till ur blood is everywhere! Then Ima bash yo scull open and kick your brains out everywhere you God D*** A**hole! and then all hell will break loose on your A**!!!" These are obviously the words of a scared little boy, who just wants a hug.

*He didn't really say this, I just made it up

Amy, the stolen Calculator's lover, speaks out
AMY: True love, I will not be able to go on without you! I am nothing without you! Boo hoo hoo!

Amy, Sean's calculator's lover, is deeply depressed over the her missing boyfriend. She told me that she would put a $500 dollar reward for anyone who finds him, but then she remembered that she is but a simple calculator and has no money. This is always a sad state of affairs. The theif doesn't realize that he's/she's not just hurting the calculators owner, but the calculator's loved ones as well.


Yes, The T183 calculator will never be able to live a free life again. Lives are forever changed for the worse. All we can do is pray for the calculator's safty.


Now this is what we think happened. As you can see Sean was distracted while the robber came in and stole the calculator with ease!

If you know the where abouts of Sean's Calculator, call this toll free number 1-(800)-555-9292, or you can leave a message at Sean's baby's mamma's house. If you think you might know the culprit behind this dasterdly deed, please don't report him to the proper athorities, please just tie him up, dig a hole in a fire ant colony, pour honey all over the thief, bury him in the hole, cover him with the sand, and return the calculator to its rightful owner. Or, just tell us who it is so we can "rough him up" a lil bit.