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 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #128 - 01/24/1999

ROYAL PAINS

SUNFUN Looks at Kings, Queens and Knaves

Hello again, royalists!
     It may seem strange now, but one of the first things that
the American colonies did after throwing out the British king
was to ask the King of Prussia to take over the American
colonies.  It seems that some in America just couldn't imagine
how you could construct a government without a royal family. 
Even a secondhand one. Fortunately for us here in the U.S., the
King of Prussia turned down the job.  Having no royalty of our
own, we Americans have always been unusually interested in the
British monarchy.
     Some Royal families have fallen on hard times recently. 
Like so many other traditional occupations, the king business
is not what it used to be.  In particular, the British royal
family has had a rough time in the 1990's.  It was easier being
a royal in the days before television and paparazzi.  The royal
subjects have to believe that the king or queen is somehow
superior - stronger, or braver or smarter than the people they
rule.  In this age without heroes, modern media coverage makes
it painfully obvious that the royalty is pretty much like the
rest of us. Except that they have a lot more money and live in
really swell houses.  Even Queen Victoria herself might have
had a hard time maintaining a regal bearing if the press had
printed unflattering pictures of her in a bathing suit. Or,
worse yet: half of a bathing suit, as happened to the late
Princess Diana.
     While there are still royal families in Europe, the Middle
East and a couple of Asian countries, with only one or two
exceptions they are hardly the all powerful monarchs of the
past.  In most places, the local royals are more like small
time politicians, attending parades and public functions, and
cutting the occasional ribbon at supermarket openings.  It's
still steady work, but hardly the stuff of legend.
     It goes without saying that Sunday Funnies is indebted to
the Lords and Ladies who sent us material week after week,
including our friends: Jerry Taff, Sue Yan, Timothy T. McChain,
Fumiko Umino, Kerry Miller, So Chiang, Laura H. Li, Sarah
Morsman, Sylvia L. He, Beth Butler, Dale Frederickson and The
Peterson's.  Now it's time for me to see my own "lady-in-
waiting."  My dear wife has been waiting patiently for me to
get this done and do some chores around the house.  Better get
going before I'm banished to the garage.
     Have a Great Week!

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OUT OF A JOB...
------------
     People all over the world were saddened by Princess
Diana's tragic death.  Especially the editors of "People"
magazine, who had featured Diana's picture on the cover a
record 43 times.
     Also sad to see her go was Mohamed Yehia Saed.  So why is
Saed sad?  Because it meant the end of his career.
     Saed, a former merchant sailor, became a con man when he
realized he looked vaguely like Diana's rich boyfriend, fellow
Egyptian Dodi Al Fayed.  Posing as Fayed, he found that people
were more than happy to throw money his way.  Lots of money. 
And he had a wonderful time in Canada - by the time the law
caught up with him, he'd borrowed thousands of dollars,
romanced beautiful women and impressed the locals with his
lavish life style.  In fact, the Canadians were so impressed
that they insisted that he stay on as their guest for at least
the next two years.  After that, he may make parole.  (Toronto
Sun /Reuters)


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NEVER OCCURRED TO THEM...
----------------------
     Since the Royal Marriages Act of 1772, it has been illegal
for any British monarch to marry anyone of the Roman Catholic
faith.  But only Catholics.  In theory, Prince Charles COULD
legally marry a woman of the Hindu, Buddhist, Lutheran or any
other faith.

 
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THE MADNESS OF THE KING...
-----------------------
     When the royal families were really running things, the
status of their health was as closely watched as the stock
market is today.  It is well known that King George III of
England, who ruled Britain at the time of the American
Revolution, had occasional lapses of sanity.  He once stopped
his carriage in a park in order to have a conversation with a
tree.  But there were members of the court who were much
further gone than that.  Here is a short list of some of the
more ridiculous of raving royals:

       -  Selim II, Ottoman Sultan 1566-74, usually known as "Selim
     the Sot."  His big claim to fame was that he could drink
     an entire bottle of Cyprus wine without drawing a breath. 
     When he ran out of his favorite drink, one of his advisers
     suggested - maybe as a joke - that he should capture
     Cyprus to replenish his stocks.  The mad leader eagerly
     agreed, starting a war that left at least 30,000 dead,
     just so Selim could get dead drunk.

       -  King Frederick William I of Prussia is not remembered as a
     humanitarian.  He was perhaps the greatest tyrant to hold
     the throne in Germany - quite a claim in itself.  Known
     for beating people randomly with his ever-present ratan
     stick, he often starved his children, threw dishes and
     cutlery at the servants at mealtimes, and kept pistols
     loaded with salt next to his bed to speed up servants who
     didn't respond quickly enough.  One of his courtiers
     dropped dead from fright when called to the king's private
     quarters.  

       -  Abdul Aziz as Sultan of Turkey in the late 1800's was as
     insanely extravagant as could be imagined.  His personal
     servants accounted for 15 per cent of the Turkish budget
     and he had a 900-member harem.  Impressed with modern
     technology, he bought several locomotives from England,
     only neglecting to buy such little details like tracks to
     run them on.  He had the official history of Turkey
     changed to eliminate any reference to military defeats,
     Christians and the French Revolution.  Later, he took a
     dislike to black ink and had every government document re-
     written in red.

       -  Lord Cornbury was a cousin to Queen Anne and 3rd Earl of
     Clarendon, so his appointment as governor-general of the
     American colonies of New York and New Jersey wasn't much
     of a surprise.  Cornbury certainly took his role as the
     Queen's representative seriously.  So seriously that he
     opened the New York Assembly in 1702 dressed in a blue
     silk ball gown studded with diamonds, silk shoes and a
     fancy headdress.  He dismissed the colonial's protests as
     "stupid."  If he was representing the Queen, surely he
     should dress like her.

       -  Also a slave to fashion was the highly paranoid Russia
     Czar, Paul I.  In 1797, he forbid his subjects from
     wearing round hats, top boots, straight pants or shoes
     with laces - all fashions he associated with the French
     Revolution.  Paranoid Paul also banned the words
     "citizen," "club," "society," and "revolution" from all
     Russian dictionaries.  When one cab driver was caught
     carrying a pistol, he banished every cabbie in St. 
     Petersburg.  Which made getting a cab in the Russian
     capital almost as hard as in New York City.

       -  Queen Isabeau, wife of King Charles VI of France decided
     that all of her ladies-in-waiting should fashionably
     skinny waists.  Several of the unfortunate women starved
     to death trying to meet the 13 inch (33 cm) limit.

       -  Emperor Qin Shi Huangdi unified China under the Chin
     Dynasty in the third century B.C., but was utterly
     ruthless.  To prevent any  unfavorable comparisons between
     himself and earlier rulers, he ordered the burning of all
     China's history books and killed off all of the
     historians.  Paranoid to the end, his giant mausoleum was
     guarded by 8,000 life-size terra-cotta soldiers, to ward
     off the ghosts of the thousands of people he had wronged
     in his lifetime. 

       -  King Ludwig II of Bavaria (Mad Ludwig) was indeed crazy,
     building fabulously expensive castles and even plotting to
     sell off the country for ready cash.  But less well-known
     was his younger brother King Otto I, who was even less
     stable.  During his reign, Otto would occasionally bark
     like a dog and often screamed abuse at people passing his
     castle windows.  Sometimes the abuse was punctuated by a
     rifle shot or two.

       -  Many royal lunatics have tried for the record, but the
     most ambitious unsuccessful death sentence in history
     still belongs to King Philip of Spain.  In 1568, the King
     declared that the entire population of the Netherlands
     were heretics and should be executed.  Holland at the time
     had a population of about three million.

       -  Ferdinand I was Emperor of Austria in the early 1800's. 
     Ferdy was the result of generations of inbreeding in the
     House of Habsburg - he was both physically handicapped and
     severely retarded.  In his thirteen-year reign as Emperor,
     his only recorded coherent remark on any subject was: "I
     am the Emperor and I want dumplings."

       -  The Eleventh Duke of Norfolk was famous as perhaps the
     richest and smelliest man in England.  The "Dirty Duke"
     never once bathed voluntarily in his entire life.  When he
     became so gamey that even his servants found it impossible
     to be in the same room with him, they would get him blind
     drunk and quickly bathe him before he regained
     consciousness.


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THANKS BUT NO THANKS...
--------------------
     Famous folks often get gifts from admirers and the Royal
Family in England is no exception.  Of course, some gifts are
more welcome than others.  Recently, Auckland University's
Injury Prevention Centre of New Zealand sent the 98-year-old
Queen Mary a gift of reinforced underwear.
     No soap.  "...the Queen Mother does not feel able to
accept a gift of such a personal nature from you and I return
it herewith together with Her Majesty's thanks," was the
response from one of the Royal Family's assistants.
     The well-knit knickers are intended to prevent injury in
elderly people who have had hip-replacement surgery.  (Reuters)
                    [ It must have been disappointing... 
          Imagine how it would impress customers to
          be "Suppliers of the Royal Drawers." ]


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HELP WANTED, ROYAL...
------------------
     Got money?  Ever wished to be a member of the royalty? 
Well, the Polish seaside resort of Leba has just the deal for
you.
     Finding themselves with a castle and tourist site, but
with a shortage of local nobility, the resort town of 4,500
recently advertised for a local prince.
     "We have neither blue blood nor local royalty and our
roots don't run deep, but we have got a castle, so we thought
we would elect an honorary prince," Marta Chelkowska, the
city's town clerk, told Reuters.
     Maybe more in tune with the real reason for the election
was 12-year-old resident Grzegorz Jarusz, "The prince must have
lot of money and give some to us and invite us to his palace." 
(Reuters)


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KEEPER OF THE ROYAL PURSE
-------------------------
     Ever notice that Britain's Queen Elizabeth is rarely
without a fairly large handbag?  Over the years there has been
some pretty wild speculation about just what it is she is
packing in the royal purse.  Guesses have ranged from dog
biscuits for the corgis to a pistol for self-protection.  
     All of that is speculation, we need information.  At the
Royal Website (no kidding - "The British Monarchy")
http://www.royal.gov.uk/
We came across the following fact in the Queen's biography:

  "Her Royal Highness, The Mechanic
     In early 1945 the Princess was made a Subaltern in the
     Auxiliary Territorial Service (ATS). By the end of the war
     she had reached the rank of Junior Commander, having
     completed her course at No. 1 Mechanical training Centre
     of ATS and [graduated] as a fully qualified driver."

     Mystery solved!  British military drivers in World War II
were issued tool kits in a shoulder bag.  Somehow, when you get
into the habit of carrying tools, you feel quite uncomfortable
without them.  So it must be a tool bag.  Though the thought of
the Queen ducking under the hood if her Rolls "fails to
progress" does take a little imagination.


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PRINCE OF THE (VIRTUAL) CITY
----------------------------
     Queen Liz's kid, the Prince of Wales has his own Website,
too.  It even features a photo of the future king surfing the
web.  Truth to tell, he looks a little stiff and uncomfortable
with that laptop on his desk.  Not that he doesn't usually look
stiff and uncomfortable, of course.  If you've always had the
urge to spout off to royalty, the Prince can be reached at:
http://www.princeofwales.gov.uk/
The palace claims that he does answer at least some of his own
messages.
          [ I do wonder how he answers Email asking
          if he really IS Ted Koppel's older
          brother... ]


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THE ROYAL WEDDING BLUES...
-----------------------
     So, you have a future king of England who's having an
affair while he's married, right?  His wife eventually moves
out, joins the fashionable set on the Continent and scandalizes
the folks back home in England by having her own affair with a
foreigner.  Then she dies under sad circumstances and made the
future king look like a jerk.  
     The Ballad of Charles & Diana?  Nope, how about George and
Caroline.  Who were they?  George became George IV when he took
the throne in 1821, and he had what might have been one of the
worst of royal marriages.  He even went so far as to forcibly
prevent his wife from attending the coronation, though she was
technically still queen at the time.
     When the two had married in 1795, George hadn't bothered
to mention that he was already married to a woman named Maria
Fitzherbert - and had been for over a decade.  George and 
Caroline only lived together for about a year, after which the
King went back to Mrs. Fitzherbert and Caroline headed for
Italy.  There, she too had a scandalous relationship with her
chamberlain, Bartolomo Bergami.  She returned to England only
on hearing that George was about to become king.  After being
pushed out of Westminster Abbey on Coronation Day, humiliated
semi-queen Caroline became ill and died.
     There were differences, of course.  Far from Diana's style
and beauty, the portly Queen Caroline even appeared homely in
the most flattering portraits.
     When Napoleon Bonaparte died in 1821, a messenger rushed
to bring the news to King George saying, "Your Majesty, your
greatest enemy is dead."  George replied, "Is she, by God?"


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COMING NEXT WEEK (01/31/99): 
                    The Annual Oddity Awards
             What A Long, Strange Trip It's Been...

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© 1999 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.