The Chocolate Ritual
- Materials required: On the altar are brown candles, a Tootsie Roll
(the big one),
a large glass with milk in it (the chalice), a small dish of Nestle's Quik and a spoon,
a small dish of chocolate sprinkles, a plate of cupcakes, and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet.
The athame is represented by a cake knife reserved only for cutting Devil's Food Cake,
and the pentacle is represented by a chocolate star.
CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE:
(take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)
Chocolate sprinkles where thou art
Cast no calories in thy presence last.
Let no fat adhere to me
And as I will so mote it be!
Nestle's Quik where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate fast.
Let all good things come to me,
and make my milk all chocolatey!
CAST THE CIRCLE
(using the Tootsie roll)
CALL THE QUARTERS:
Mousse of the East, Fluffy one!
Great prince of the palace of dessert!
be present we pray thee,
and guard this circle
from all moochers approaching
from the East.
Fondue of the South, Molten one!
Great Prince of the palace of decadence!
be present we pray thee,
and guard this circle from all diets approaching
from the South.
Cocoa of the West, Satisfying one!
Great prince of the palace of thirst!
Be present we pray thee,
and guard this circle from all carob approaching
from the West.
Rocky Road of the North, Cold one!
Great Prince of the palace of crunchy!
Be present we pray thee,
and guard this circle from all cheap imitations approaching
from the North.
MAIN RITUAL:
HANDMAIDEN (Henceforth known as the Swiss Miss):
Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate; who was of old called: Godiva, Ethel M., Sara Lee, Nestle, Mrs. See, and by many other names:
HPS: Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a while and better it be when your checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in a great public place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, who is Queen of all Goodies.
In the mall shall you assemble, you who have eaten all your chocolate
and are hungry for more.
To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue.
And you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks, and you shall
munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises all in my presence.
For mine is the ecstacy of phenylalanine, and mine is also the joy
on earth, yea, even into high orbit, for my law is "melts in your mouth,
not in your hand."
Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always, let none stop you
aside.
For mine is the secret that opens your mouth, and mine is the taste
that puts a smile on your lips and the comfy padding pounds on your hips.
I am the gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy onto the tummies
of men and women.
Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious, and beyond
death...well, I can't do much there. Sorry about that.
I demand only you have to pay for those truffles before you eat
them.
> SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in the dust of whose feet are the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racks and finer stores everywhere:
I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips, and the satisfying softness
of big bars, the mystery of how they get the filling inside truffles, and
fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire, call unto thy soul
to arise and come unto me.
For I am the soul of candy, from me do all confections spring, and
unto me all of you shall return, again...and again...and again...and again.
Before me smeared faces, beloved of women and men, thine innermost
divine self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose.
Let my taste be within thy mouth that rejoices. For behold, all
acts of yumminess and pleasure are my rituals.
Therefore let there be gooeyness and mess, crispness and crackling,
big slabs and bite size pieces, peanut butter and chocolate-covered cherries
all within you.
And you who think to seek me, know that your seeking and yearning
shall avail you not unless you know the Mystery:
"We shall sell no chocolate until you pay for it."
For behold: I have been with you since you were just a baby, and
I am that which is attained at nearly any shop in the land. Messed be.
SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was called Ghirardelli, Milton Snavely Hershey, Bosco, Fudgesicle, and by many other names:
HP: I am the strength of the candy rack, and the piece that fell
on the floor but looks like it may not have gotten too dirty, and the deepest
bitterness of dark chocolate.
No matter how you try to resist the call for chocolate, I will hunt
you out, and I will become your sacred prey. I am warmth of hot cocoa in
the dead of winter, and the call of the road that leads you to that really
expensive Godiva store downtown.
I give you my creatures, the fire of love of chocolate, the power
of jaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar and the
shelter of Haagen Dazs when that big date didn't work out.
You are dear to me, and I instill in you my power of a piece of
chocolate that you had forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision
and magical sight with which you can spot a candy counter a mile away.
By the powers of the half-melted bar in the glorious sun, I charge
you, by the darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot and lingering
smell of bittersweet chocolate, I charge you, and by the beauty of a perfectly
swirled vanilla butter cream, I charge you.
Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you. The
wealth in your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan kin would envy.
Take joy in that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa, and in
the last satisfying slurp of Yoo-Hoo.
Yet you must be wary of deceit. Eat not of that which is called "Baking
Chocolate," for it is vile and bitter. Be not greedy, but let yourself
be known as a connoisseur. Leave a little for someone else.
I am with you always, just over your shoulder, or around the next
corner.
I am the Lord of Chocolate,
and when you have reached the end of your hoard, I will never be further away from you than that 7-11 on the corner. I am the spirit of the wild child, the inner child who can never get quite enough. If you are a true chocolate lover, then your soul and mine are intertwined.
CUPCAKES AND YOO-HOO
(Blessing of the Yoo-Hoo)
HP: Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark chocolate.
HPS: Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate.
HP: For both are better than the falsely named "white Chocolate."
HPS: And neither is carob.
HP: As the frosting is to the cupcake.
HPS: So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way bar.
Both: And when they are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for there
is no greater snack in all the world than one made of chocolate.
(Blessing of the cupcakes)
HP: Frosting is keen.
HPS: And frosting is neat.
BOTH: Great Goddess! Let us eat!
(Feasting and Drinking)
Dismiss the quarters:
HPS: Oh, ye mighty goodies for the ______, we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle, and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms, we say unto you, "N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles makes the very best."
ALL: Chooooooooc-laaaaate
(After all quarters have been dismissed, give a final satisfying belch at the east)
Why Chocolate is better than sex
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