The Rabbi and the Pope
Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate? The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
A Jew walks into a hotel and tells the clerk she would like to rent a room. The clerk looks up at her and says "I'm sorry, we don't have any rooms available." The Jew is standing for a moment when a man walks up ready to check out. The Jew immediately says "I'll take HIS room." The clerk again tells the Jew, "Sorry, but we simply don't have a room for you, we don't rent to Jews"
"Ahh" says the Jew, "And what makes you think that I'm a Jew?
"Ok," says the clerk "Tell me, do you believe in Jesus?"
"Absolutely!" says the Jew
"Ok, that's a start. Where was Jesus born?"
"Bethlehem!" says the Jew
"Ok" says the clerk, "And where in Bethlehem was Jesus born?"
"In a manger!" says the Jew
The clerk now leaned over and got right up to the Jew, "Tell me, w-why was Jesus born in a manger?"
The Jew belts out "Because some schmuck like you wouldn't rent his parents a room!"
Cohen and Levy are both in the antique business across the street from each other, and have been for years. Cohen hates Levy - he thinks he's a gonif and a liar and an ignorant bum, and says so publicly. Levy thinks the same about Cohen.
One day Levy leaves the door open to his shop and goes out for a few minutes. Cohen takes the opportunity to walk across the street and steal a magic lantern Levy has in the window. He gets it back to his shop and can't resist rubbing it. Naturally a genie pops out of the lantern.
"Cohen", says the genie, "because you have released me from a thousand years of confinement in the lantern, I will grant you one wish - anything you want - money, power, fame, anything. But because the lamp belongs to Levy, whatever it is you get, Levy will get twice as much."
"You mean," says Cohen, "if I ask for a million dollars, Levy gets two million?"
"That's right," says the genie, "and if you ask for a beautiful woman, Levy gets two beautiful women."
"All right, genie," says Cohen. "I know what I want."
"I wish I were half dead."
It Pays To Advertise
Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.
Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was - a picture of Christ on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."
The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.
A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture of the same cross, empty, with Christ crumpled on the ground below... and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."
A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.
The man asked, "God, what's a million years to you?"
And God said "A minute."
Then the man asked:
"Well, what's a million dollars to you?"
and God said: "A penny"
Then the man asked:
"God.....can I have a penny?"
And God said:
"Sure.....In a minute."
May I Take Your Order?
Q - What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish women?
A - "Is ANYTHING all right?"
Diamonds Are Forever
Sally is flying out to meet her boyfriend. She falls asleep on the plane and dreams about this gorgeous diamond ring he'll give her. When she opens her eyes, she spots an even bigger diamond on the finger of Mrs. Goldstein, a matron sitting next to her. This is the mother of all diamonds, it is enormous, flawless, glittering...
'My, that's some diamond you've got there', Sally says. 'I've never seen anything like it.'
Mrs. Goldstein sighs. 'I know, my child. This is no ordinary diamond. It's the famous Goldstein diamond. But it comes with a terrible curse.'
'It does?' Sally moves to the edge of the seat. 'So what's the curse?'
Mrs. Goldstein sighs again. 'Mr. Goldstein.'
Charity Begins At Home
A Priest, a minister and a Rabbi were sitting around wondering what to do with all the money they collected from charity.
The priest said: "I got an idea. Let's draw a circle, throw all the money up in the air, and what falls in the circle we give to God.
The Minister said: "I got a better idea. Let's draw a circle, throw all the money up in the air, and what falls outside the circle we give to God.
The Rabbi said: "I got even a better idea. Let's draw a circle, throw all the money up in the air, and let God take what he wants, and what falls to the ground we keep!
Going For A Drive
Sam Schwartz was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a Policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the Policeman says, "Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back." Sam replies, "Thank god for that" I'd thought I'd gone deaf!"
An Italian, an Irish and a Jewish guy are sitting around the bar boasting abour their ability to bring their respective wives to orgasm.
The Italian boasts and says, "When I finish making love to my wife she has such a strong orgasm that she screams for 15 minutes after I finish"
The Irish guy boasts and says: "You think that's a big deal?. When I finish making love to MY wife she screams for 30 minutes after I finish.
The Jewish guy looks at the others and says: You think you guys are so macho?. Let me tell you about my wife. The last time I finished making love to her, I got out of bed, wiped myself off with the bedroom curtain. My wife is still screaming!!!
Stern and the Rabbi submitted by RMC
Stern goes to the Rabbi & says "...did you hear about Mrs. Goldstein?" No, the Rabbi said. Since she lost her husband she is in dire straits. In fact, if she doesn't come up with the $500 rent money by next week she will be evicted! The Rabbi is sickened & gives Stern $50 out of his own pocket and assures him he will get the rest from the Congregation. The Rabbi commends Stern on being such a good friend to the widow Goldstein. Stern says, "friend?" I'm the landlord.
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