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 A bEsT fRiEnD iSn'T tHe OnE tHaT cOmEs To BaIL yOu OuT wHeN yOu'Ve BeEn ArReStEd....A bEsT fRiEnD iS
tHe OnE tHaT's SiTtInG iN tHe CeLl NeXt To YoU aNd SaYiNg "HOLY CRAP" tHaT wAs AwEsOmE!
wE wErE bOrN nAkEd, WeT, aNd HuNgRy, ThEn ThInGs GeT wORsE.
mAkE iT iDiOt PoOf, AnD sOmEoNe WiLl MaKe A bIgGeR iDiOt.
He WhO lAuGhS lAsT tHiNkS sLoWeSt.
If A cLuTtErEd DeSk Is ThE cHaRaTeRiStIc Of A cLuTtErEd MiNd, WhAt DoEs An EmPtY dEsK mEaN?
iF iT iSnT bRoKeN, a GuY wIlL fIx It UnTiLl It Is!
ToMoRoW, tOdAy WiLl Be YeStErDaY. aNd In TwO dAyS tOmOrRoW wIlL bE yEsTeRdAy! WIERD!
JuSt bEcAuSe I dOnT cArE, dOeSnT mEaN i DoNt UnDeRsTaNd.
If ToDaY iS tHe FiRsT dAy Of ThE rEsT oF yOuR lIfE, wHaT tHe HeCk WaS yEsTeRdAy!?
aNyThInG fReE iS wOrTh WhAt YoU pAiD fOr It!
My HeArT iS iN tHe RiGhT pLaCe, I kNoW cUz I hId It ThErE!
tElL mE wHaT yOu BeLiEvE, aNd I'lL tElL yOu WhErE yOu'Re WrOnG!
i TolD mY pSyChIaTrIsT tHaT eVeRyOnE hAtEs Me. He SaId I wAs BeInG rIdIcUlOuS-
eVeRyOnE hAsN't MeT mE yEt.
HaVe YoU eVeR nOtIcEd? AnYbOdY
gOiNg SlOw ThAn YoU iS aN iDiOt, AnD aNyOnE gOiNg FaStEr ThAt YoU
iS a MaNiAc.
FiRsT yOu FoRgEt NaMeS, tHeN yOu FoRgEt FaCeS. nExT yOu FoRgEt To PuLl YoUr ZiPpEr Up, FiNaLlY
yOu FoRgEt To PuLl iT dOwN.
wE hAd GaY bUrGlArS tHe OtHeR nIgHt. ThEy BrOkE iN aNd ReArRaNgEd ThE fUrNiTuRe.
SoMeTiMeS i LiE aWaKe At NiGhT, aNd I aSk, "WhErE hAvE i GoNe WrOnG?" tHeN a VoIcE
sAyS tO mE, 'tHiS iS gOiNg To TaKe MoRe ThAn OnE nIgHt.'
If YoUr PaReNtS nEvEr HaD cHiLdReN, cHaNcEs ArE yOu WoN't EiThEr.
I dOn'T cArE tO bElOnG tO a ClUb ThAt AcCePtS pEoPlE lIkE mE aS mEmBeRs.
I hAvE hAd A pErFeCtLy WoNdErFuL eVeNiNg, BuT tHiS wAsNt It!
I nEvEr FoRgEt A fAcE, bUt In YoUr CaSe I'lL bE gLaD tO mAkE aN eXcEpTiOn.
I cAn ReSiSt EvErYtHiNg ExCePt TeMpTaTiOn.
ExPeRiEnCe Is ThE nAmE eVeRy OnE gIvEs To ThEiR mIsTaKeS.
A cOmPuTeR oNcE bEaT mE aT cHeSs, BuT iT wAs No MaTcH fOr Me At KiCk BoXiNg.
I wAs WaLkInG dOwN fIfTh AvEnUe ToDaY aNd I fOuNd A wAlLeT, aNd I wAs GuNnA kEeP iT, rAtHeR tHaN rEtUrN iT, bUt I tHoUgHt: WeLl, If I lOsT a HuNdReD aNd FiFtY dOlLoRs, HoW wOuLd I fEeL? aNd I rEaLiZeD i WoUlD wAnT tO bE tAuGhtT a LeSsOn.
I iNsTaLlEd A sKyLiGhT iN mY aPaRtMeNt...ThE pEoPlE wHo LiVe AbOvE mE aRe FuRiOuS.
If It WeReN't FoR eLeCtRiCiTy We'D aLl Be WaTcHiNg TeLeViSiOn By CaNdLeLiGhT.
A lAwYeR wIlL dO aNyThInG tO wIn A cAsE, sOmEtImEs He WiLl EvEn TeLl ThE tRuTh.
WhErE tHeRe Is No pAtRoL cAr, ThErE iS nO sPeEd LiMiT.
In PoLiTiCs, If YoU wAnT aNyThInG sAiD, aSk A mAn; If YoU wAnT aNyThInG dOnE, aSk A wOmEn.
ThEy SaY sUcH nIcE tHiNgS aBoUt PeOpLe At ThEiR fUnErAlS tHaT mAkEs Me SaD tHaT i'M gOiNg To MiSs MiNe
By JuSt A fEw DaYs.
A mArRiEd MaN sHoUlD fOrGeT hIs MiStAkEs, No UsE tWo PeOpLe ReMeMbErInG tHe SaMe ThInGs.
LaSt WeEk I sTaTeD tHaT tHiS wOmAn WaS tHe UgLiEsT wOmAn I hAd EvEr SeEn. I hAvE sInCe BeEn ViSiTeD
bY hEr SiStEr AnD nOw WiSh To WiThDrAw ThAt StAtEmEnT.
KiDs In ThE bAcK sEaT cAuSe AcCiDeNtS. acCiDeNtS iN tHe BaCk SeAt CaUsE kIdS!
If It HuRtS, dOn'T dO iT AGAIN!!
PeOpLe WhO tHiNk ThEy KnOw EvErYtHiNg ArE a GrEaT aNnOyAnCe To ThOsE oF uS wHo Do.
MaRrIaGe Is OnE oF tHe ChIeF cAuSeS oF dIvOrCe.
YoU'rE nEvEr ToO oLd To LeArN sOmEtHiNg StUpId.
HoNeStY iS tHe BeSt PoLiCy, BuT iNsAnItY iS a BeTtEr DeFeNsE.
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