Mega Millions Jackpot Won By Two People, Who Aren't You
Topic: Humor
Columbus, OH - AP -- Winning tickets were sold at places this week that you didn't go to, according to lottery officials. There is a possibility that more winners could exist in California, though chances are you aren't one of them, but that information won't be known until later in the morning due to heavy ticket sales. As of now, two lucky tickets were purchased in Cape May county in New Jersey and some town you've never heard of in Georgia. The names of these people, of which you do not know, have yet to be released.

The $370 million jackpot was the largest to date, breaking the $365 million record jackpot last year, another lottery you failed to win. If taken in a lump sum payment these two individuals will see around $65 to $80 million, while you'll continue to have to commute 60 minutes each way to work in your piece of shit car listening to "Bob and Dave in the Morning" prattle on incessantly about Brittney Spears until blood starts coming out of your ears... again.

Ohio saw difficulties selling tickets late last night as the computer system broke down, keeping other people, like you, from buying losing tickets. Ohio officials were quoted as being very "sorry" that you couldn't lose your money because of the malfunction who's cause is yet to be known.

Nearly 150 million losing Mega Millions tickets were sold, to people like you, in California, Georgia, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Texas, Virginia and Washington state for this particular jackpot. Loser!