Barrel Shortage Causes Oil Prices to Spike
Topic: Humor
Barrel Shortage Causes Oil Prices to Spike


-AP

Up to just recently, crude oil prices have been fluctating often due to high demand and instability with the supply of crude oil. Prices had reached upwards of $80 a barrel of oil, but have since receded to the mid sixty dollar range.

This has all changed now. Due to the high demand of oil, the barrel industry has started to become overwhelmed with purchase demands. "For every barrel of oil taken from the ground, that means one barrel we need to make." On an average day, 83 million barrels are needed to store the 83 million barrels of oil obtained from production. This is an increase of 8 percent since 2000.

While the global barrel industry has been able to generate barrels on demand without breaking a sweat, the recent increase in demand for barrels had started taking its effect on the barrel making industry. Maintenance was taking the biggest hit.

In 2000, the barrel industry typically was able to coordinate maintenance from plant to plant, globally, in order to ensure the consistent supply of barrels. “But since the need for barrels continues to increase, we’ve had to skip required maintenance, hoping for a lull. And when Hurricane Katrina hit, we thought we’d be able to get that lull, but OPEC increased their output and we still needed to keep our plants open.” This lead to 3 plants, (Trenton, New Jersey, New Delhi in India and Frankfort, Germany) having problems and complications that led to the temporary shutdowns which has caused the barrel shortage.

A barrel of sweet crude oil now costs $76 and the price continues to increase as the shortage gap grows larger and larger. “We can no longer produce the amount of barrels without significant consequence, and we have therefore raised the prices of the barrels. Until this shortage can be made up, oil prices will remain high.”

Government around the globe are looking at solutions to the shortage. It has been suggest that the US could use the barrels in their strategic barrel reserve, however, the US has said it remains cautious of doing so. “We can’t simply take barrels from our barrel reserve because the price of barrels has increased,” said Scott McClellan. “The US needs to save these barrels for an emergency when there are no further options.”

US President, George W. Bush was quoted as saying, during a press conference when reporters pressed on the issue, “I guess we could just borrow some from Donkey Kong.”

Mr. Tickle Resigns from CEO Position in Sexual Harassment Scandal
Topic: Humor
Mr. Tickle Resigns from CEO Position in Sexual Harassment Scandal

- AP

Mr. Tickle seen here entering a press conference (undated)

Mr. Tickle, former CEO of Toys ‘R Us, resigned last week amid allegations of sexual harassment. The accusations have now led to his arrest yesterday afternoon in what has become a flurry of controversy for the national toy store.

Mr. Tickle during arraignment

At the center of the allegations is a co-worker of Mr. Tickle who has claimed that Mr. Tickle inappropriately touched her on multiple occasions. When confronted about the improprieties, Mr. Tickle laughed off the claim and notified the victim that her job depended on her silence. Two months of this behavior continued before the victim finally went to authorities.

Mr. Tickle denies any wrong-doing and says he is being setup by what he called a “revenge-seeking ex”.

Churches in Alabama on Fire
Topic: Humor

- AP

Just under a dozen Baptist churches have been burned in Alabama over the past 4 days with recent fires in Bibb County on Tuesday. The police aren't offering much information only that they are suspicious of the Presybertarians who had recently gotten their butts handed to them in the recent Presybertarian - Baptist bowling league championship.

Burning churches in Alabama has not been a rare occurance. Over the past ten years, nearly 60 churches have burned down. About one-third of the fires were ruled arsons by investigators, while the remaining were ruled "Acts of God."

The Police refuse to comment on rumors that patrons arriving early at one of the churches noticed a large hand coming out of the sky. Local, State and Federal awards totalling $10,000 are available to anyone with information related to the probe. An additional $25,000 will be offered if they get the bonus ball.

Air Marshals to Secure Passenger Trains
Topic: Humor
-AP

Air Marshals will be patrolling trains as part of a new experimental Intermodel security plan as set by President Bush. In a memo, Bush wrote about concerns of a train “being hijacked and flown into a building”, killing “lots” of innocent people. The plan will start at an unknown time, though expected within the next month and will continue for as long as funding is available for this experiment.

The Railroad Industry applauds Bush’s new initiative, however, they have been upset at the Administration for years since 9/11 because of the very low priority they’ve given to Railroad Security. Approximately for every $100 in security for airlines that has been spent by the Administration, only $0.10 has been spent on the railroads. “This is a large concern to us,” stated John Garth of BNSF, one of the nation’s largest railroads. “The economy is heavily dependent on the railroad for it’s diversity and ability to transfer goods from one place or the other. If the terrorists were to attack us at Milepost QD 16.5 of the Alabaster Line, the entire nation would see nearly an entire halt in train traffic…”

“He told you what?!” asked Garth’s superior. “You aren’t supposed to know that detail, you better not include it in the article. That would expose us to grave danger!”

The Marshals, however, won’t be adding security to freight traffic, only traffic for people, including the Acela line in the Northeast. And even that may be a bit much seeing a terror attack on train lines hasn’t occurred in years. In 1978, a trio of terrorists tried to hijack Amtrak’s Palm Tree Line just south of Orlando. They ordered the train go to Cuba. However, the train was only able to make it half-way across the Caribbean Sea before having to turn back after taking on too much water.

Another attempt at hijacking a train was done in August 1980, however, it met similar hardships, as the Amtrak train got stuck behind a slow moving Norfolk Southern freight train, just west of the PA/OH border.

This lack of success for terrorists on trains led terrorists to try alternative methods of terror, such as spearheading the 55 mph law and the CAF? standards.

Latest Immigration Complaints
Topic: Humor
-AP

Since George W Bush was handed the Presidency in 2000 and later won re-election by such an unbelievably huge margin, only conceding the second largest total of votes to a candidate ever, people on the Right have been hopeful of immigration reform.

Each year approximately 12,000,000 Mexicans enter the US illegally. Nearly twice that number come from other, harder to spell, Central American countries. Some Americans complain that these illegal immigrants steal work from local white folk.

In Citrus County, Florida, over one thousand illegal immigrants work picking oranges from the trees. "It's a shame," complained local Todd Wilkerson. "These are jobs white Americans should have, not illegal immigrants! They come in here and steal all the low wage jobs with no benefits. There used to be a time when white people had these jobs. America has changed so much."

"If you watch the orange juice commercials or the ads, you see white people picking oranges," said Citrus County Commisioner Paul Rather. "This is the vision Americans have. These are the jobs Americans expect to have, not illegal immigrants."

In New Bedford, Massachusetts, a booming metropolis with a huge fishing industry that offers the city luxurious accomodations, local police forces started riling up local fisheries that employed illegal, and hard to spell nationality workers, for well under minimum wage. "When the police came, my entire workforce ran away, which at first seemed terrible," started Jon Sebastian Eeyore. "I'd stand to lose $50,000 a day if I can't produce fish filets." But then an astonishing thing occurred. "Almost out of no where, dozens and dozens of white men in business suits came to the door, asking for employment at my business for about one-eighth of their current pay. It was a miracle!" It was as such, that when the hard to spell nationals came back for work once the police actions stopped, Jon Eeyore sent them back home.

"This is a clear example of the work situation in the United States," stated Amy Flesherton of the McDonalds Presents the Kennedy School of Business at Harvard University presented by Fleet in Boston. There are literally millions of overpaid white people who'd rather work in less climate controlled areas, for much fewer benefits... if any at all. The New Bedford example just illustrates this for us."

Even the author of this article had his own dreams smashed because of illegal immigrants. "I grew up wanting to pick lettace on wide open fields, under a hot blistering sun, with no water, for half of minimum wage. But as I grew up illegal immigration got worse and worse and when I applied for these jobs, I was turned away without even as much of an interview or handshake. Sadly, with my dreams crushed I had to go to college, get a degree in engineering to make my comfortably paying job, with 401k, ESOP, and health care benefits. It just isn't fair!"

Rumsfeld Finds New Solution for Insurgency
The following isn't real... actually it is... sadly it is. The words may have been rearranged to protect the innocent, however, the stupidity remains, making some shake their heads as to figuring out how in the world Rumsfeld ever managed to get to where he is today.


-----------------------------------------------------


Rumsfeld announced on Tuesday that after hours of pondering the subject while watching football over the long weekend, he has determined a plan, which he says will be the solution in Iraq and stop the insurgency. All the operations, guns and bullets and bombs and White Phosphorus have failed to quell the ever-present insurgency that has killed over 25,000 Iraqi’s and the vast majority of the 2100 US Troops killed in Iraq. Rumsfeld felt the need for reflection to help mastermind the solution to the insurgency that has shown itself to not be in it’s last throws.


This “epiphany” according to Rumsfeld, this savior solution to the ills of the newly free Iraq... The solution? Stop calling it an “insurgency.” Semantics and synonyms are Rumsfeld’s new devices to help stop the daily killings in Iraq. "I've thought about it. And, over the weekend, I thought to myself, you know, that gives them a greater legitimacy than they seem to merit," Rumsfeld said. Without this basis of legitimacy, of being called an “insurgency,” the “insurgents” will lose their will to kill in the streets of Baghdad and indeed, all over Iraq.


"I think that you can have a legitimate insurgency in a country that has popular support and has a cohesiveness and has a legitimate gripe. These people don't have a legitimate gripe," Rumsfeld said. Such insurgencies within the past year or two include the Kerry insurgency in the United States and the Harper Insurgency currently unfolding in Canada. While neither of these insurgencies technically had any bullets fired, they certainly were insurgencies. Since Rumsfeld announcement, not one attack had occurred in Iraq, seemingly suggesting that it just might work.

White House announces raising of Terror Alert
Topic: Humor


(Rumsfeld Speaking on Raising of Alert System)

In a rare public appearance, the Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld announced that the Department of Homeland Security’s Terror of God Alert system was upgraded from Yellow to Orange at 8:00 AM this morning for Texas and Louisiana. Rumsfeld cited the imminently fatal arrival of Hurricane Rita warranted the raising of the Terror of God Alert system. “It has become quite clear that after the damage of Hurricane Katrina, we are witnessing another fatal storm. This act of god, or Intelligently Designed Disaster, has clearly indicated that God wants to kill Americans and he wants to kill Americans now. So we’ve increased the Terror Alert system to Orange.”



(US Terror of God Alert System)

When asked whether these storms were a sign of a coming Apocalypse (Terror of God Level Red), Rumsfeld shrugged the suggestion aside. “As far as we can tell, God’s wrath is only being concentrated on southern Republican voting states. There appears to be little in the way of an increase of wrathful acts in the Northern parts of the country.” Rumsfeld cited Hurricane Ophelia as evidence that God had mercy for the north by keeping it from even brushing Massachusetts.

Photo Op
Topic: Humor

A photo taken during Bush's trip to Massachusetts which recently legalized gay marriage. -AP

Bush Denies Racial Issues Regarding Hurricane Relief

-AP 9/12/05

George W. Bush rebuffed claims of racial discrimination regarding the very slow federal response to the Katrina disaster in Louisiana and Mississippi. "Now look... these claims by some peo... people are absurd. Race never entered the... picture with regards to the cleanup in ... Louisiana. Right now we've got $61 billion in relief money going... being sent to... going to the refugees of the hurricane."

PRESIDENT BLAMES INCOMPETENCE OF ADMINISTRATION

When further prodded on the racism issue, Bush tossed it aside again. "Look, this Administration is incompetent... not racist. Lots of unblack... ahh... white... err... caucasian people died in 9/11... and in the Iraq War. So I don't like to hear about racism, when my legacy is clearly one of incompetence.

"Our slow response is simply due to administratial incompetence. Nothing more."

When asked about how the $60 billion, and the assuredly higher totals to be passed for the actual rebuilding, was to be funded, Bush tossed that aside as well. "Look, the priority here is to help recover the area. The fifth... fourth largest port in Earth needs to be re-opened. That's the first priority. We need to rebuild the homes and create jobs because the area has been leveled. Right now the blacks... err african americans who mowed Trent Lotts' lawn at the mansion... errr... house that is now rubble..., Trent Lott's home was... ummm... destroyed..., no longer can work there. We need to rebuild Trent Lott's house so his lawn can be mowed and the economy can be made stronger. That is our first priority."

Inflation and Gas Prices Grip Wheel of Fortune
Topic: Humor
Citing rising inflation and fuel costs, Wheel of Fortune announced that vowels are now to cost $750. The change is to be effective on 9/12/05.

McDonalds to launch anti-obesity campaign
Topic: Humor
Due to the recent epidemic of American pop culture, Americans don't do doodley squat anymore. With the invention of the remote control, digital television, and the internet people don't need to move anymore. To complicate issues, people eat alot of fast food that is high in fat, cholesterol, and calories. Combine these and that leads to the majority of Americans being overweight. McDonald's who sells a majority of foods that are high in just about every bad thing you can put in your body has begun to deal with obesity with their, "McDonald's is wacko, if you don't work out."

As part of their campaign, they will target children. A long time staple of the McDonald's fortune is addicting children to McDonalds by creating lovable and cute characters such as the Hamburgerler and Ronald McDonald. "This will change late next month," said McDonald's spokesman Don Iris. "We will show commercials that deal with the negatives of eating improperly." Don Iris then gave the reporters a preview of the new set of commericials. The first was of Grimace, the big purple thing. The scene opens in a doctor's room with Grimace sitting on the examining table. "I'm sorry, but you have diabetes," says the doctor with a somber face. Grimace grimaces with the news and asks how this could happen to him. The doctor explains that all the McDonalds he's eaten over the years had made him obese which is a cause of diabetes. The scene then pans to Grimace at home looking at pictures of him in his youth. A much skinnier purple thing playing soccer, ice hockey, fishing with his dad. Grimace grimaced again. Looking down he said, "I can't even touch my toes anymore."

The former Hamburgler rushes into the house wearing a pastor's uniform. Apparently the Hamburgler had found Jesus and stopped stealing. Originally that was supposed to be part of a marketing deal to market The Passion at McDonalds, but it fell through. "Its terrible, its awful," says the Hamburger Pastor. Grimace looks over at the Pastor. "I know, I wish I knew how bad this food was."

The Hamburger Pastor says, "No, Ronald! He's in the hospital, he had a severe heart attack."

"This is the angle the commercials will go," said Iris. "We want children to know the dangers." However, McDonalds doesn't stop there. They will also aim commercials at adult men and women. He showed a preview of one of those commercials.

The scene shows two groups of overweight people, one of males and one of females, on the beach with bags of McDonalds with them. They show highly attractive women and men passing each group by as the overweight people chat and eat fries and hamburgers and watching the attractive people moving by. At the end of the commercial, a message pops up and says, "And they'll pass by you if you're fat." Then saying "No one wants a fat person next to them in bed."

Iris announced that McDonalds and Bally's Total Fitness had reached a deal where Bally's would give McDonalds row machines, treadmills, and ellipse exercisers that McDonalds would use in conjunction with the sale of their products. People won't have to use the machines, however, prices will be increased for people who don't. "A normal Big Mac meal that contains 1200 calories would require about 75 minutes of a hard workout on an ellipse trainer to burn off all the calories. Now people will have the opportunity to burn atleast 33% of those calories to save up to 50% on the cost of the meal."

"McDonalds is determined to help decrease the obesity in the United States and we feel these changes will help," concluded Iris.

Mexico Sends Troops to US...
Topic: Humor
The US, mired in perhaps it's worst natural disaster in recorded American History, has suffered another blow as a convoy of 300 Mexican troops entering the US to help victims of Katrina seeked asylum within the United States. "Apparently, there was a misunderstanding," said Julio Sandez of Chi Qxiot. The border patrolmen thought they were coming to America to help in the relief efforts in the wake of Hurricane Katrina and the Bush Administration. "What we said was that we wanted to live in Louisiana, not help fix it."

Mexico, a nation which has many areas of impoverished populations. often has citizens attempt to leave the nation illegally to seek greener pastures in the US. They typically do yardwork, babysit for politicians and pick vegatables. The conditions in Louisiana now look prospective to the Mexicans attempting to enter the US. "It's a mess, but it's alot better than Chi Qxiot," Julio remarked through an interpreter. "Hell, I can't even pronounce it!"

- AP

President Bush said WHAT?!!?
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Politics
In a speech in Alabama, President Bush made some comments that showed just how out of touch he is with the common man.

We've got a lot of rebuilding to do. First, we're going to save lives and stabilize the situation. And then we're going to help these communities rebuild. The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Gulf Coast, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house -- he's lost his entire house -- there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch. (Laughter.)

White House.gov cite You'll note the inclusion of "(Laugher.)" in the quote at the White House website. That is generous seeing about one or two people briefly chuckled over the very inappropriate remark. You can watch the remark at the link to judge for yourself. One can't make satire up like this. It just shows what a terrible Stateman our leader is.

Local Man Soils Self Seeing Gas Prices - AP
Topic: Humor
A local man, Josh Benker of Tallmadge, Ohio, soiled himself upon seeing a local gas station's pricing. "I couldn't help it. When I saw the price for medium grade gasoline, which I typically buy, I no longer had bowel control. I mean does ∑∞ even have a defined empirical value?" Mr. Benker wasn't the only one losing control. Local clothing stores have noted a marked 35% increase in pants and undergarments sales since the hiking gas prices. "Definately underwear. That has been selling faster than we can put them on the shelf," said Marshalls manager Dale Altman.

The gas prices just seem to get higher and customers, who must pay in order to commute to work, continue to be surprised by this continual trend of skyrocketing prices. "Yesterday premium unleaded was infinity. I figured that atleast it couldn't get any higher. And then the next day, it was infinity factorial. How much higher can it get than that?" asked Akron native Josh Gilson.

Gas prices have soared due to loss in delivery capacity caused by Hurricane Katrina which has left New Orleans and shrimp gumbo fans destroyed. The Army Corp of Engineers in New Orleans was racing as fast as they could to get power back on and to assess damage at the nation's largest port. "We just have no idea how long people will be soiling themselves because of the gasoline delivery shortage," said Army Corp Engineer Bob Wikka. "We want people to know this is only a temporary shortage and that gas prices will not remain in this bowel control losing zone."

Philosophy 101
Topic: Humor
Can god create a banana so large that he can't peel it? But if he can peel it, will he slip on the banana peel after he carelessly discards the peel?

UN to offer strong words against Iran
Topic: Humor
Iran announced yesterday they would begin removing the tags from pillows starting as soon as today. The UN promised strong words and perhaps sanctions against Iran for such actions.

Shuttle Hampered with more problems!
Topic: Humor
Despite the ease of which the debris was removed from the shuttle's underside yesterday, NASA announced to the astronauts of the junker Discovery shuttle that another spacewalk would be necessary to retrieve a ticket the shuttle got for being double parked by the International Space Station and being too close to a hydrant.

"We didn't expect this at all," said mission commander Gus Heller in Houston. "But we noticed on one of the cameras, that we did indeed get a ticket for being double parked. If we don't remove the ticket, not only would we get a stiffer fine, but the license of the pilot of the ship could be revoked. That would set us back years in space exploration."

It is still unknown as to who is particularly responsible for the law infractions, however NASA has made it clear they will deal with that issue at the proper time. Right now they want to get the ticket in the shuttle so that it can be reckoned with.

"We don't want to get pulled over during re-entry."

A view at an alternate universe - Iraq and Kerry
Topic: Politics
My multi-universe viewer probe captured some typical cross sections of an alternate universe where everything is the same except Kerry won the election. Here are some quotes:

Rush Limbaugh: Since Kerry was elected, we've seen an accelerated rate of our troops dying not only in Iraq, but Afghanistan as well.

Sean Hannity: This has been the deadliest summer since the war in Iraq has started. Under Bush the summers had half the deaths we've seen in Kerry's flailing campaign in Iraq.

Matt Drudge: JOHN F. KERRY SHOT IN RIGHT ARM IN VIETNAM, NOT LEFT AS HE CLAIMED!!!

WorldnetDaily Editorial: Clearly, the Iraqi's inability to get together to even name an oil ministry leader is a sign of how woeful Kerry's leadership has been in Iraq...

Newsmax: AUTOSPY RESULTS PROVE KERRY KILLED SCHIAVO!

Wall Street Journal: The Iraq Parliament has asked for an extension to get their Constitution written. This is a clear sign that they no longer respect the reasonable boundaries set by the Bush Administration because they don't fear Kerry will act decisively.

Tomorrow: The liberal press asks in Universe B-495A why Justice Stevens hasn't resigned because of cancer.

Richard thought this at 4:52 PM EDT

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US Supreme Court Rules Against Terri's Parents
Topic: Humor
In a rare unanimous ruling, the US Supreme Court ruled against the parents of Terri Schiavo and ruled that the parents must be allowed to die. The court unanimously consented that the disregard they have shown for their daughter is "reprehensible" and "truly disturbing." Scalia, who penned the opinion also wrote that:

"While it is heart suffering to take a loved one off of life support, it is further heart suffering for someone to want to keep their loved one on life support when it is clear her own motives have been determined to be otherwise. How parents could show such disregard for their own, expending large amounts of Terri's money on frivelous lawsuits in order so they can avoid seeking closure and can take advantage of a large television deal, is grossly disturbing to us. It is for this reason, we side with Michael Schiavo and allow for the parents of Terri Schiavo to die." - Antonin Scalia

The parents said they'd appeal the decision to some higher court... maybe the Hague.

This was originally posted elsewhere by me on 3/24/05, and I never tossed it here, but in light of the parents of Schiavo and their irrational desire for money, I thought I'd repost it here.

The Right Wing Media Spins the Economy
Topic: Politics
The National Review seems to think the economy is booming now.

"Last Friday’s Treasury budget tells us that, in addition to a dramatic increase in tax receipts across the board (Art Laffer, time to collect your Nobel Prize), individual income-tax receipts have been exploding."

Exploding? That seems to be a bit much. But look... they have a chart... a bar chart!

KABOOM!

But it gets better. Why is income exploding?

"The tax-payment turnaround began with the Bush tax cuts of 2003."

Wait a second! What happened to the tax cuts in 2001 and 2002? But even with such a close eye on it, it's hard to argue with a two bar , bar chart. I mean... it clearly shows income "exploding" in the first eight months this fiscal year than last fiscal year... and especially such great citing of where they got their info from... "Treasury Department." That's a cite you can build a house on!

So I headed on over to the Treasury Department's website and found a page that has the Monthly Treasury Statement You see, what's great about this page is that you can download oodles of info, like the income the US has received monthly. But what else is there? Is it only income you ask? Of course not silly. They also list the monthly costs of government as well. And that leads me to my chart because one must ask, if receipts are "exploding" does that mean the deficit spending is decreasing? Is our children learning?!

As you can tell, I resisted the urge of the bar chart and used a line graph because they are the best at determining linear trends... hence the term "line". ;^)

One line is for income, the other expense (each for the first eight months of each fiscal year). If you take notice, you'll understand why the NRO article doesn't mention the tax cuts of 2001 and 2002. They apparently had no effect on the economy. But oddly enough, the income is going up... though still below Clinton levels and we apparently are well in the red in spending. So, what was this about the economy rocking? Being in the red two hundred billion dollars in the first eight months... not a good thing.