Nation Stunned At Latest National Disclosure
Topic: Humor
Phoenix, AZ -- America finally had some good news for a change when economically feasible oil was found in an area of the Gulf of Mexico. While supply wouldn’t become available for a while, the discovery will allow America a little breathing room as their need for oil continues to grow. The discovery of oil in the Gulf, however, paled in comparison to the additional discovery made in conjunction with that of the oil.

“Jon Kyl has said that the best way to decrease our reliance on foreign oil is to increase our domestic supply, which is why Kyl voted to allow access to significant reserves like this one in the Gulf of Mexico," stated campaign manager of John Kyl.

The United States was stunned when it learned that there was another Senator from Arizona… and apparently was running for re-election as well. Most Americans had assumed Arizona only had one senator, John McCain, but the above quote clearly would indicate that Arizona actually has two senators.

Washington Analysts were stunned, “We always knew that two votes were coming from Arizona, we just figured John McCain was voting twice,” said longtime DC think-tank analyst Cal Ripper. “This changes a lot of things. Now that we know Arizona has two senators, we’ll try to watch this other guy as well.”

Americans on the whole hadn’t a clue. “I never knew that Arizona had a second senator,” said Ohio native John Sturegon. “I ain’t never heard of that.”

Others had suspected it could be true, but were mostly agnostic on the subject. “All the other states had two senators,” said Taylor Mind of Baton Rouge Louisiana. “I guess it makes sense, but I’m still skeptical.”

The state of Arizona could not be reached for comment.

Six Years after the Election, US still not safe: Bush
Topic: Humor
WASHINGTON – Nearly six years after the election of the Republican candidate in 2000, the US “is not safe yet” from its leadership, the White House said today.

A “national strategy for combating poor leadership” came as the sixth anniversary of the election of George W Bush comes in the next couple of months. Citing cost overruns, poorly waged invasions, inadequate public school reform, tax shortfalls, climbing deficit spending, dismantling of NASA’s successful programs, weakening of EPA’s standards, inadequacy of AIDS prevention policies in Africa, devastating environmental proposals, failure to modify and shore up Social Security, failure to capture Osama bin Laden, poorly predicted cost of Medicare Prescription reform, failure to create any change in border policies, poor reaction to Hurricane Katrina disaster, poor public perception to Terri Schiavo case, weak foreign policy, inability to get support from allies, inability to deal successfully against terrorism and war profiteering among other things were listed as “significant deficiencies that make the US not safe yet.”

The study suggests that the US will remain unsafe for approximately 2 more years, though it suggested that America could see improvements sometime this coming January if the electorate acts wisely.

General Casey Says Troops Could Start Coming Home in 12 to 18 Months
Topic: Humor
BAGHDAD, Iraq - The top U.S. general in Iraq said Wednesday he believes Iraqi forces can take over security with little coalition support within a year to 18 months. “I’ve been steadfast in this belief. I believed it 2 years ago and I believe today. In 12 to 18 months we should be able to transfer most security concerns over to the Iraqi Army,” Gen. George Casey said in Baghdad as a car bomb exploded in the background.

General Casey noted that all US troops would not then be removed instantly from Iraq like in a “Star Trek episode”, but rather a more gradual drawdown that could take 12 to 18 months.

Some experts think it is possible, that a drawdown of troops could begin in a beneficial politically expedient manner in 12 to 18 months. “Currently, American troops in Iraq are seeing about 100 to 200 Iraqis dying a week. Given current improvements in Iraqi capabilities, we believe the Iraqi military should be able to hold weekly death counts of civilians to about 100 to 200 in about 12 to 18 months,” said John Simpleton of the Free Republic Institute for Beneficial Republican Imagery.

Leader of Iraq Nouri al-Maliki has already stated he foresaw Iraqi Army security establishment within the 18 months. “We should be able to arm our military and allow only 100 to 200 deaths a week as we see now with American Military presence in about 18 months.”

General Casey said that there was a three-step policy for securing the US’s ability to leave without losing face. “First step is denial. We began this step back in June 2003. We are well near the end of this step,” Casey told a battery of reporters who were free to ask questions. “The second step is propaganda. Not as much convincing Iraqis that it is safe for us to leave, but assuring Americans that we aren’t ‘cutting and running’ like the Democrats want us to do.”

The third step, Casey noted was “Republicans keeping majorities in 2006 and 2008 and retaining the Presidency.”

When asked about whether the current lull in violence was nothing but a lull like they’ve seen before, Casey answered straightforwardly, “As Dick Cheney said, the insurgency is dying out. He said it over two years ago and it is true now. We’ll be out in 12 to 18 politically beneficial months. It’s as true now as it was 2 years ago and will be 4 years from now.”

McAdams Family Distraught Over Helping Raise African Dictator Umamba Zule
Topic: Humor

McAdams Family Distraught Over Helping Raise African Dictator Umamba Zule

 

The McAdams family of Quincy, Massachusetts became utterly distraught on Tuesday morning when Philip McAdams opened the newspaper and noticed an article dealing with UN sanctions on a nation where they had sponsored a child.  Looking further into the article, the father of the family confirmed that the dictator had the same name as the child they made monthly payments for, up to 14 years ago.  

Knowing this could just be a freak coincidence, the McAdams family contacted the agency that they contracted with to help “The Plague of Africa” grow up.  After one week of searching documents, the agency was able to confirm that the identity of the child was that of the current African dictator.  

Upon learning that the child they helped support for years grew up to be one of Africa’s most gruesome dictators the family became silent.  “We didn’t make a sound for about two hours and just reflected,” said Wendy McAdams, the mother of two who suggested sponsoring an African child in the first place.  “I went upstairs and took out some of the letters he wrote us over the years… we kept them all.”

‘This wek was the first wek me was able to eat twee mels, I thank you gretly for yor wonderfull gif,’ wrote a very young Umamba Zule in one of the first letters the McAdams family received.   The family hadn’t received a letter from Umamba for the past couple of years.  

 Current Photo

 

 From a letter 14 years ago

“We wondered what happened to him,” said Tricia McAdams, the family’s 17 year old daughter.  “It had been well over 20 months since he wrote last… I guess we know now what he’s been doing.”  That would include a bloody coup overthrowing the previous administration and killing over 50,000 people throughout the country, sending hundreds of thousands fleeing to bordering nations that would take them.  

“It’s almost surreal.  The ad said that only 30 cents a day would help clothe and feed a child.  We just wanted to help impact the life of a child,” said Wendy.  And what an impact they made on millions of Africans, including an estimated 12,000 children believed to be killed or seriously injured in the countless waves of violence the African nation is stricken with almost weekly.  

“In the last letter he wrote,” started Philip. “He said he was upset by all the suffering in his country at the hand of their ‘incompetent leadership’.  He said he was going to ‘change everything’.  We just figured that meant he was going to become involved in relief efforts for his country or maybe become a doctor.”

This isn't the first time a sponsored child had grown up to become an infamous leader.  A family Springfield, Illinois helped sponsor a dictator of Congo while a pair of families in Butte, Montana sponsored "Scurge of Chad".

Pluto to be Eliminated from the Solar System -AP
Topic: Humor
In a change of course since 1930 when Pluto was first discovered, scientists have decided, after a tenuous week of deliberations to strip Pluto of it's planetship and to launch a "death-ton" nuclear weapon on an ion jet propulsion guided rocket that will obliterate the dwarf celestial object from the solar system.

"We honestly felt this was the only way to go," said MIT astronomy expert Richard Walker. "We felt if we made the decision of taking the planetship from Pluto and let it still exist, there would be a lingering drive by some scientists to reinstate the planetship."

In what is really the first breakthrough by scientists on the issue of what is a planet, Pluto was choosen to be stripped from it's planethood because it's path around the sun intersects the orbit of Neptune. Now the planet, until it's demise, will be refered to as a "dwarf planet".

"It's utterly inane," said astronomer Kal Ripka from the California Institute. "We have created an entirely arbitrary definition for planets that a bare minority of astronomers bothered to decide. And now with the ordered destruction of Pluto, it will be too late for us to turn this back into the way it should be."

"I understand there is some resistance to the idea of taking away the history of Pluto being a planet," said Chairman of Cornell's Department for Science. "And I can understand further resistance towards the annihlation of the dwarf planet Pluto. But we choose this not arbitrarily, but instead for finality. Pluto must go, so we can concentrate on the deepest mysteries of the universe."

Current plans are for the impact to occur at noon Pacific Time. President Bush was noted as saying he wanted to have it during the day so everyone could see it.

Wireless Warrent-tapping ruled Unconstitutional by dyslexic Judge

In a major breaking case that will harm the Bush Administration severely, a dyslexic judge ruled that wireless warrant-tapping was unconsitutional in a hearing today.

 

 

 

- yes yes... I know that isn't techincally dyslexia.  

"Democrats Promise More Oversight"
Topic: Humor
In a bold statement, House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi promised that if the public gave them control of the House, that the Democrats would promise more oversight of any Republican wrong-doing. "No matter how small, how utterly insignificant, we promise that if we take the House, we will scrutinize any wrong doing by the Republican Party," Pelosi stated while giving a speech in Omaha, Nebraska. "You can't trust the Republicans to oversee themselves, so the public must elect us so that we can." These statements were followed by boisterous applause.

When Pelosi was asked whether the Democrats would have greater oversight on themselves she replied, “You can trust us, we’re the minority party.”

Merck Awarded $2.4 Million in Lawsuit Against Victim of Vioxx -AP
Topic: Humor
Merck Awarded $2.4 Million in Lawsuit Against Victim of Vioxx -AP
4/11/06

A jury in Chicago awarded the Vioxx creator and pharmeceutical giant Merck Inc. $2.4 million in a wrongful death suit. Philip Conrad of Chicago was a user of Vioxx for approximately 7 months before he died of a heart attack. The creators of the drug alleged that Conrad's death, caused by their drug Vioxx, caused their company irrepairable damage to both their sales of the drug Vioxx, which they have now withdrawn from the market, and the defamation on the image of the company.

"We are in this business to help people," said Merck corporate liason Jeff Wilkerbee after the decision, outside the steps of the courthouse where the trial was held. "Our ability to do this has been hampered greatly by the death of Philip Conrad."

The CEO of Merck had mixed emotions regarding the jury's conclusion. "We are pleased to see that the people agree that our image as a pharmaceutical company has been tarnished. However, the paltry sum of $2.4 million won't even begin to help make up the difference from both the lost sales and the defamation of our company. If Philip Conrad and others hadn't died from complications of using our drug Vioxx, we'd still have it on the market and making millions from it. Our ability to work as a corporation in this capitalistic society has been greatly stricken by these deaths."

The family of Philip Conrad has said they would appeal the decision, citing that they couldn't be held neglible for the death of a family member. Also, their retirement savings only amounted to just shy of $1.2 million and they wouldn't be able to meet the entire jury settlement amount.

Usually Jovial Christ Appears in Omelet and Looks Really Pissed (AP)
Topic: Humor
While sitting down to what was supposed to be a normal breakfast in San Juan, Puerto Rico, Jose Menedez noticed a vision in his omelet. Mr. Menedez, who works for a local television company and is a happily married father of two, noticed immediately what it was that was looking back at him. But something was very different.

Since 1992, there have been hundreds of alleged appearances of Jesus Christ or Mary from things such as a grilled cheese to an overpass that the state of Pennsylvania sold on Ebay for $25,000 to an online casino, a decision the state is now greatly regretting. However unlike those times, in the breakfast that Jose Menedez was preparing to eat, Jesus appeared but he wasn’t happy. “When I saw the image, I was so full of bliss. The Lord Christ appeared to me, but when I looked closer, I became frightened. I didn’t know if he was angry because of something I did or if he was having a bad day.”

“This appears to be a rare occurrence,” said Brother Hal Videinz, a Brother at a local church who constantly has his word processor underline his name as being spelled wrong, and ironically happens to be an expert on the contemporary appearances of the Holy Lord. “All over the world, Jesus and the Blessed Mother have come to us whether it has been in a burrito in Venezuela or in streusel in Germany. All these times they have appeared to us with joy and blissful content on their face. This is the first time I’m aware of the Lord coming to us, appearing to be angry. This could indeed be a sign that Jesus isn’t happy with us, whomever ‘us’ is.”

Critics disagree as to the cause of The Lord’s displeasure. Some people have suggested homosexuality, gay marriage and masturbation while others have looked to Christian nations ignoring the suffering of billions around the world. “I look at this picture of Jesus, as he has come to us and I blame you. All you homos, gays, atheists, agnostics, liberals, people for welfare, masturbators and most importantly anyone who voted for Kerry,” said Pat Robertson on a television interview on the Fox News Channel.

Other people have pondered perhaps this is a sign of the end being near. “This is a sign of the end being near. I’m raising the rapture score up to 1,258,595” said Tom Watkins at a web board called “Rapture Ready”, a website devoted to showing how happy the end is near.

One thing is certain; the Lord has appeared and he isn’t happy. Attempts to contact the Lord Jesus Christ went unanswered.

Barrel Shortage Causes Oil Prices to Spike
Topic: Humor
Barrel Shortage Causes Oil Prices to Spike


-AP

Up to just recently, crude oil prices have been fluctating often due to high demand and instability with the supply of crude oil. Prices had reached upwards of $80 a barrel of oil, but have since receded to the mid sixty dollar range.

This has all changed now. Due to the high demand of oil, the barrel industry has started to become overwhelmed with purchase demands. "For every barrel of oil taken from the ground, that means one barrel we need to make." On an average day, 83 million barrels are needed to store the 83 million barrels of oil obtained from production. This is an increase of 8 percent since 2000.

While the global barrel industry has been able to generate barrels on demand without breaking a sweat, the recent increase in demand for barrels had started taking its effect on the barrel making industry. Maintenance was taking the biggest hit.

In 2000, the barrel industry typically was able to coordinate maintenance from plant to plant, globally, in order to ensure the consistent supply of barrels. “But since the need for barrels continues to increase, we’ve had to skip required maintenance, hoping for a lull. And when Hurricane Katrina hit, we thought we’d be able to get that lull, but OPEC increased their output and we still needed to keep our plants open.” This lead to 3 plants, (Trenton, New Jersey, New Delhi in India and Frankfort, Germany) having problems and complications that led to the temporary shutdowns which has caused the barrel shortage.

A barrel of sweet crude oil now costs $76 and the price continues to increase as the shortage gap grows larger and larger. “We can no longer produce the amount of barrels without significant consequence, and we have therefore raised the prices of the barrels. Until this shortage can be made up, oil prices will remain high.”

Government around the globe are looking at solutions to the shortage. It has been suggest that the US could use the barrels in their strategic barrel reserve, however, the US has said it remains cautious of doing so. “We can’t simply take barrels from our barrel reserve because the price of barrels has increased,” said Scott McClellan. “The US needs to save these barrels for an emergency when there are no further options.”

US President, George W. Bush was quoted as saying, during a press conference when reporters pressed on the issue, “I guess we could just borrow some from Donkey Kong.”

Mr. Tickle Resigns from CEO Position in Sexual Harassment Scandal
Topic: Humor
Mr. Tickle Resigns from CEO Position in Sexual Harassment Scandal

- AP

Mr. Tickle seen here entering a press conference (undated)

Mr. Tickle, former CEO of Toys ‘R Us, resigned last week amid allegations of sexual harassment. The accusations have now led to his arrest yesterday afternoon in what has become a flurry of controversy for the national toy store.

Mr. Tickle during arraignment

At the center of the allegations is a co-worker of Mr. Tickle who has claimed that Mr. Tickle inappropriately touched her on multiple occasions. When confronted about the improprieties, Mr. Tickle laughed off the claim and notified the victim that her job depended on her silence. Two months of this behavior continued before the victim finally went to authorities.

Mr. Tickle denies any wrong-doing and says he is being setup by what he called a “revenge-seeking ex”.

Churches in Alabama on Fire
Topic: Humor

- AP

Just under a dozen Baptist churches have been burned in Alabama over the past 4 days with recent fires in Bibb County on Tuesday. The police aren't offering much information only that they are suspicious of the Presybertarians who had recently gotten their butts handed to them in the recent Presybertarian - Baptist bowling league championship.

Burning churches in Alabama has not been a rare occurance. Over the past ten years, nearly 60 churches have burned down. About one-third of the fires were ruled arsons by investigators, while the remaining were ruled "Acts of God."

The Police refuse to comment on rumors that patrons arriving early at one of the churches noticed a large hand coming out of the sky. Local, State and Federal awards totalling $10,000 are available to anyone with information related to the probe. An additional $25,000 will be offered if they get the bonus ball.

Latest Immigration Complaints
Topic: Humor
-AP

Since George W Bush was handed the Presidency in 2000 and later won re-election by such an unbelievably huge margin, only conceding the second largest total of votes to a candidate ever, people on the Right have been hopeful of immigration reform.

Each year approximately 12,000,000 Mexicans enter the US illegally. Nearly twice that number come from other, harder to spell, Central American countries. Some Americans complain that these illegal immigrants steal work from local white folk.

In Citrus County, Florida, over one thousand illegal immigrants work picking oranges from the trees. "It's a shame," complained local Todd Wilkerson. "These are jobs white Americans should have, not illegal immigrants! They come in here and steal all the low wage jobs with no benefits. There used to be a time when white people had these jobs. America has changed so much."

"If you watch the orange juice commercials or the ads, you see white people picking oranges," said Citrus County Commisioner Paul Rather. "This is the vision Americans have. These are the jobs Americans expect to have, not illegal immigrants."

In New Bedford, Massachusetts, a booming metropolis with a huge fishing industry that offers the city luxurious accomodations, local police forces started riling up local fisheries that employed illegal, and hard to spell nationality workers, for well under minimum wage. "When the police came, my entire workforce ran away, which at first seemed terrible," started Jon Sebastian Eeyore. "I'd stand to lose $50,000 a day if I can't produce fish filets." But then an astonishing thing occurred. "Almost out of no where, dozens and dozens of white men in business suits came to the door, asking for employment at my business for about one-eighth of their current pay. It was a miracle!" It was as such, that when the hard to spell nationals came back for work once the police actions stopped, Jon Eeyore sent them back home.

"This is a clear example of the work situation in the United States," stated Amy Flesherton of the McDonalds Presents the Kennedy School of Business at Harvard University presented by Fleet in Boston. There are literally millions of overpaid white people who'd rather work in less climate controlled areas, for much fewer benefits... if any at all. The New Bedford example just illustrates this for us."

Even the author of this article had his own dreams smashed because of illegal immigrants. "I grew up wanting to pick lettace on wide open fields, under a hot blistering sun, with no water, for half of minimum wage. But as I grew up illegal immigration got worse and worse and when I applied for these jobs, I was turned away without even as much of an interview or handshake. Sadly, with my dreams crushed I had to go to college, get a degree in engineering to make my comfortably paying job, with 401k, ESOP, and health care benefits. It just isn't fair!"

Air Marshals to Secure Passenger Trains
Topic: Humor
-AP

Air Marshals will be patrolling trains as part of a new experimental Intermodel security plan as set by President Bush. In a memo, Bush wrote about concerns of a train “being hijacked and flown into a building”, killing “lots” of innocent people. The plan will start at an unknown time, though expected within the next month and will continue for as long as funding is available for this experiment.

The Railroad Industry applauds Bush’s new initiative, however, they have been upset at the Administration for years since 9/11 because of the very low priority they’ve given to Railroad Security. Approximately for every $100 in security for airlines that has been spent by the Administration, only $0.10 has been spent on the railroads. “This is a large concern to us,” stated John Garth of BNSF, one of the nation’s largest railroads. “The economy is heavily dependent on the railroad for it’s diversity and ability to transfer goods from one place or the other. If the terrorists were to attack us at Milepost QD 16.5 of the Alabaster Line, the entire nation would see nearly an entire halt in train traffic…”

“He told you what?!” asked Garth’s superior. “You aren’t supposed to know that detail, you better not include it in the article. That would expose us to grave danger!”

The Marshals, however, won’t be adding security to freight traffic, only traffic for people, including the Acela line in the Northeast. And even that may be a bit much seeing a terror attack on train lines hasn’t occurred in years. In 1978, a trio of terrorists tried to hijack Amtrak’s Palm Tree Line just south of Orlando. They ordered the train go to Cuba. However, the train was only able to make it half-way across the Caribbean Sea before having to turn back after taking on too much water.

Another attempt at hijacking a train was done in August 1980, however, it met similar hardships, as the Amtrak train got stuck behind a slow moving Norfolk Southern freight train, just west of the PA/OH border.

This lack of success for terrorists on trains led terrorists to try alternative methods of terror, such as spearheading the 55 mph law and the CAF? standards.

Rumsfeld Finds New Solution for Insurgency
The following isn't real... actually it is... sadly it is. The words may have been rearranged to protect the innocent, however, the stupidity remains, making some shake their heads as to figuring out how in the world Rumsfeld ever managed to get to where he is today.


-----------------------------------------------------


Rumsfeld announced on Tuesday that after hours of pondering the subject while watching football over the long weekend, he has determined a plan, which he says will be the solution in Iraq and stop the insurgency. All the operations, guns and bullets and bombs and White Phosphorus have failed to quell the ever-present insurgency that has killed over 25,000 Iraqi’s and the vast majority of the 2100 US Troops killed in Iraq. Rumsfeld felt the need for reflection to help mastermind the solution to the insurgency that has shown itself to not be in it’s last throws.


This “epiphany” according to Rumsfeld, this savior solution to the ills of the newly free Iraq... The solution? Stop calling it an “insurgency.” Semantics and synonyms are Rumsfeld’s new devices to help stop the daily killings in Iraq. "I've thought about it. And, over the weekend, I thought to myself, you know, that gives them a greater legitimacy than they seem to merit," Rumsfeld said. Without this basis of legitimacy, of being called an “insurgency,” the “insurgents” will lose their will to kill in the streets of Baghdad and indeed, all over Iraq.


"I think that you can have a legitimate insurgency in a country that has popular support and has a cohesiveness and has a legitimate gripe. These people don't have a legitimate gripe," Rumsfeld said. Such insurgencies within the past year or two include the Kerry insurgency in the United States and the Harper Insurgency currently unfolding in Canada. While neither of these insurgencies technically had any bullets fired, they certainly were insurgencies. Since Rumsfeld announcement, not one attack had occurred in Iraq, seemingly suggesting that it just might work.

White House announces raising of Terror Alert
Topic: Humor


(Rumsfeld Speaking on Raising of Alert System)

In a rare public appearance, the Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld announced that the Department of Homeland Security’s Terror of God Alert system was upgraded from Yellow to Orange at 8:00 AM this morning for Texas and Louisiana. Rumsfeld cited the imminently fatal arrival of Hurricane Rita warranted the raising of the Terror of God Alert system. “It has become quite clear that after the damage of Hurricane Katrina, we are witnessing another fatal storm. This act of god, or Intelligently Designed Disaster, has clearly indicated that God wants to kill Americans and he wants to kill Americans now. So we’ve increased the Terror Alert system to Orange.”



(US Terror of God Alert System)

When asked whether these storms were a sign of a coming Apocalypse (Terror of God Level Red), Rumsfeld shrugged the suggestion aside. “As far as we can tell, God’s wrath is only being concentrated on southern Republican voting states. There appears to be little in the way of an increase of wrathful acts in the Northern parts of the country.” Rumsfeld cited Hurricane Ophelia as evidence that God had mercy for the north by keeping it from even brushing Massachusetts.

Photo Op
Topic: Humor

A photo taken during Bush's trip to Massachusetts which recently legalized gay marriage. -AP

Bush Denies Racial Issues Regarding Hurricane Relief

-AP 9/12/05

George W. Bush rebuffed claims of racial discrimination regarding the very slow federal response to the Katrina disaster in Louisiana and Mississippi. "Now look... these claims by some peo... people are absurd. Race never entered the... picture with regards to the cleanup in ... Louisiana. Right now we've got $61 billion in relief money going... being sent to... going to the refugees of the hurricane."

PRESIDENT BLAMES INCOMPETENCE OF ADMINISTRATION

When further prodded on the racism issue, Bush tossed it aside again. "Look, this Administration is incompetent... not racist. Lots of unblack... ahh... white... err... caucasian people died in 9/11... and in the Iraq War. So I don't like to hear about racism, when my legacy is clearly one of incompetence.

"Our slow response is simply due to administratial incompetence. Nothing more."

When asked about how the $60 billion, and the assuredly higher totals to be passed for the actual rebuilding, was to be funded, Bush tossed that aside as well. "Look, the priority here is to help recover the area. The fifth... fourth largest port in Earth needs to be re-opened. That's the first priority. We need to rebuild the homes and create jobs because the area has been leveled. Right now the blacks... err african americans who mowed Trent Lotts' lawn at the mansion... errr... house that is now rubble..., Trent Lott's home was... ummm... destroyed..., no longer can work there. We need to rebuild Trent Lott's house so his lawn can be mowed and the economy can be made stronger. That is our first priority."

Inflation and Gas Prices Grip Wheel of Fortune
Topic: Humor
Citing rising inflation and fuel costs, Wheel of Fortune announced that vowels are now to cost $750. The change is to be effective on 9/12/05.

McDonalds to launch anti-obesity campaign
Topic: Humor
Due to the recent epidemic of American pop culture, Americans don't do doodley squat anymore. With the invention of the remote control, digital television, and the internet people don't need to move anymore. To complicate issues, people eat alot of fast food that is high in fat, cholesterol, and calories. Combine these and that leads to the majority of Americans being overweight. McDonald's who sells a majority of foods that are high in just about every bad thing you can put in your body has begun to deal with obesity with their, "McDonald's is wacko, if you don't work out."

As part of their campaign, they will target children. A long time staple of the McDonald's fortune is addicting children to McDonalds by creating lovable and cute characters such as the Hamburgerler and Ronald McDonald. "This will change late next month," said McDonald's spokesman Don Iris. "We will show commercials that deal with the negatives of eating improperly." Don Iris then gave the reporters a preview of the new set of commericials. The first was of Grimace, the big purple thing. The scene opens in a doctor's room with Grimace sitting on the examining table. "I'm sorry, but you have diabetes," says the doctor with a somber face. Grimace grimaces with the news and asks how this could happen to him. The doctor explains that all the McDonalds he's eaten over the years had made him obese which is a cause of diabetes. The scene then pans to Grimace at home looking at pictures of him in his youth. A much skinnier purple thing playing soccer, ice hockey, fishing with his dad. Grimace grimaced again. Looking down he said, "I can't even touch my toes anymore."

The former Hamburgler rushes into the house wearing a pastor's uniform. Apparently the Hamburgler had found Jesus and stopped stealing. Originally that was supposed to be part of a marketing deal to market The Passion at McDonalds, but it fell through. "Its terrible, its awful," says the Hamburger Pastor. Grimace looks over at the Pastor. "I know, I wish I knew how bad this food was."

The Hamburger Pastor says, "No, Ronald! He's in the hospital, he had a severe heart attack."

"This is the angle the commercials will go," said Iris. "We want children to know the dangers." However, McDonalds doesn't stop there. They will also aim commercials at adult men and women. He showed a preview of one of those commercials.

The scene shows two groups of overweight people, one of males and one of females, on the beach with bags of McDonalds with them. They show highly attractive women and men passing each group by as the overweight people chat and eat fries and hamburgers and watching the attractive people moving by. At the end of the commercial, a message pops up and says, "And they'll pass by you if you're fat." Then saying "No one wants a fat person next to them in bed."

Iris announced that McDonalds and Bally's Total Fitness had reached a deal where Bally's would give McDonalds row machines, treadmills, and ellipse exercisers that McDonalds would use in conjunction with the sale of their products. People won't have to use the machines, however, prices will be increased for people who don't. "A normal Big Mac meal that contains 1200 calories would require about 75 minutes of a hard workout on an ellipse trainer to burn off all the calories. Now people will have the opportunity to burn atleast 33% of those calories to save up to 50% on the cost of the meal."

"McDonalds is determined to help decrease the obesity in the United States and we feel these changes will help," concluded Iris.