God tells Robertson to shut the fuck up - Robertson
Topic: Humor
Pat Robertson, former head of the Christian Coalition or more notably, "that old guy" on The 700 Club said God had spoken to him recently.

"He told me to quote, shut your fucking mouth, end quote. He seemed pretty dead on about it." In the past few years, Robertson had claimed that God told him of a tsunami that would hit the US (it rained heavy in New England that year) or a Bush landslide victory (John Kerry amassed the second highest vote total in election history). Being so far off base, God contacted Robertson so he could tell the aging evangelist to 'stop talking under his name' and to just in general 'fucking disappear'.

God could not be reached for comment.

11,000,000 bottles of acetaminophen recalled
Topic: General

The following is part AP News story as linked and part commentary on the drug acetaminophen.  This isn't a humor submission.

AP News Link

Plush Stuffed Hippo (I) refuses to concede House race
Topic: Humor
Des Moines, IA -- Despite being down by a margin of 3 to 1, the plushed stuffed hippopotamus has yet to concede the Iowa Congress house race. Dan Bartlett (R), his main opponent where the Democrats didn't run against the incumbant was growing more livid as nearly 24 hours passed since the polls closed yesterday. "I don't understand what he thinks he'll get from it. It's probably just a publicity stunt," said the two termer congressman.

In what was a relatively quiet campaign between the two, the plush stuffed hippo was criticized by his opponent and the media for standing Bartlett up at the two scheduled debates, by not showing up. The media cited this and an apparent lack of campaigning all together was what weakened the stuffed animals chance of winning the election. "Without proper exposure," said Tom Wilkins a professor at Iowa State, "it becomes harder to win the key moderate swing voters. No name recognition always leads to fewer votes."

Despite this, the stuffed hippo did manage to get about 25% of the vote, doing its best in rural Iowa, where voters noted that the hippo was clean and had outstanding character, unlike most politicians. "He's quiet... I like that," said Mary Helmsworth, a bus driver from rural Iowa.

Regardless, it is unusual for a candidate to wait so long before conceding, especially when all major news outlets immediately projected that the hippos opponent had won. "He can stay silent all he wants. If my opponent wants to be this way, I'm still the winner and I need to move on."

Small town in Ohio elects Pat Buchanan as Dog Catcher
Wadsworth, OH -- In a massive write-in campaign, the voters of a small city close to Akron, Ohio elected noted conservative, Pat Buchanan as dog catcher. The post, a mandatory lifetime appointment, was up for grabs after the pre-existing dog catcher, Phil Sturgeon, died of complications from cancer. He was the dog catcher for the city for 20 years, when he ran a clean campaign promising "No crap is my wrap."

It is currently unknown who began the write-in campaign idea for Pat Buchanan. According to Ohio State Law, not only must you write in the name of the candidate, but you must also enter their address (and if from out of state, their social security number). Regardless, Pat Buchanan, who has run for President in multiple parties before, won in landslide to get the office of Dog Catcher.

Pat Buchanan was completely unaware of the write-in campaign and following polls which showed him generously in the lead of Shirely Walker, his only other competition. Upon learning that he won the election, he simply informed the City of Wadsworth that he would resign from the job. The City, however, responded that due to a legal technicality from the title of the job, it was a first degree felony to resign from the position without having a majority vote from the City Council. The City Council felt it would be an insult to Wadsworth if the conservative commentator rebuff their own electorate and decided not to give Pat Buchanan a way out.

Pat Buchanan will spend his first day on the job on January 1, 2007.

The Official 2006 Mid-Term Prediction
Topic: Politics

It's coming down the wire. And the picture is unclear in some ways, even blurrier in others.

First off, GW Bush is spending American taxpayer money is an assault on the Breadbasket of America, to plead and beg the base to come out and vote... other the Dems will end all tax cuts and cancel Christmas. I just feel this smacks of desperation. Granted... what else is Bush going to do? Form a decent plan of action in Iraq. Excuse me while I try to stop laughing. Regardless, Bush is campaigning in odd places. People speak about how Kerry's gaff made people not want him around. Oddly enough, the President of the United States is so unpopular, the party he belongs to doesn't want him around extremely close races in Missouri, Tennessee and Virginia. The three of which have been very close the past couple of weeks, though Corker seems to have pulled it off, already. So with Bush playing in the Red Zone, you've got to think that the GOP fears not only energizing the Liberal base with a visit from him, but they feel his presence is necessary in strong GOP land just to get them out to vote!

Websites are all around. Only the most stubborn  seem to think the Republicans can keep both houses.

"If you've read this blog for long, you know that I decreed that the GOP would keep both the House and the Senate. I have never retracted those edicts during these past six months - even when they appeared to be complete fantasy." (From above link)

They cite that a number of races are too close to really call out a verdict on the races, so the Republicans are still alive. This could be true... however, pollsters like Zogby are less interested that the Dems are winning these tight races as much as the fact that the leads have grown.

"While some Democratic leads have increased steadily heading down the stretch, other Democratic challengers have done far better." (From above link)

But with Republicans rebounders like Simmons in the House or Burns in Montana, it is really hard to say which way the wave is going. The trend could be still a large wave of marginal victories for the Dems, or a small wave of decent victories.

More liberal sites like Electoral-Vote.com seem quite pleased with the polling to suggest a significant takeover of power in the House (241 seats for the Democrats) and an absolute tossup for the Senate. However, no site that I've seen seems to think the Senate isn't a tossup. Everyone admits that it's a 3 of 4 need for the Democrats with Montana, Virginia, Missouri and Tennessee. Winning only two will give control of the Senate to trigger happy Cheney. I hope he lays off the alcohol and prescription drug mixes while casting tie breaking votes.

And what is lost in all this? The fact that a bare minority of House races are polled at all. The vast majority of them are deemed non-competitive. This is where the surprise may come. The disapproval of Bush is clear and certain, ranging from 34 to 41 percent depending on which polls you read. Congress approval rating is even more dismal, ranging from 25 to 31 percent. Here is the kicker, both Congress and the President are GOP. So you have less in 1 in 3 approving of the Republican Congress. Less than 2 in 5 approving of Bush in the White House. Honestly, other than a strong view that the election will be fixed, I have no clue why people think the Republicans are going to be anywhere near safe.

The only bright spot would appear to be the whole tightening of the Republican v Democrat generic poll which shows a once double digit Democrat lead turning into only a single digit Democrat lead. This would probably be from Bush's and Cheney's use of Taxpayer money to stump and get his message on the air about how the Democrats don't have a plan for Iraq or that the Democrats want to raise taxes on all Middle Class hardworkers to pay for their blowjobs by gay, drug abusing Pentecostal Evangelists. How significant is this? I don't think very. The people who'd be swayed this way are being swayed from voting Democrat, probably not being swayed to vote Republican.

Just as in 2004, it really is hard to tell where tomorrow will take us, especially in light of the whole will the Electronic Machines work in fucking Cleveland this time?! My gut says big win for the Democrats... I think in 2004 I was hopeful for Kerry, but it wasn't until numbers were leaked on Election Day did I think he had it, though I thought it impossible for Kerry to lose (America apparently was unable to contemplate what giving Bush 2 more years would do to this country). The polls seem to show the Dems taking control of at least one House, but maybe both. The margins for the House is in the air, but it is known whomever has the Senate will barely have it.

Tuesday will be a slow day and it won't be until late evening when we know where we stand. I wish I could say 250 seats in the House. It is logical, seeing Bush is campaigning in areas where campaigning shouldn't be needed. Races that are close weren't supposed to be close. I'd gladly take a smaller majority with 220 to 230 seats. And taking the Senate would be swell, but it's just too close to call. Anyone predicting the Senate is a liar or a fool or works for Diebold.

My final predictions-
What I hope:
Dems 250 seats in the House
Dems 50 Repubs 49 Too Close 1

What I should think:
Dems 225 to 230 seats
Dems 48 to 49 Repubs 51 to 52

  

KFC Announces Removal of Donkey Manure from Most of their Food
Topic: Humor
Frankfort, KY -- KFC announced this morning it would replace donkey manure as one of its ingredients from its entire line of food products including fried chicken, potato wedges and cheese cake. Gregg Dedrick, company President, announced that instead of using donkey manure, KFC would use ingredients deemed more ‘wholesome.’ The President of the company noted that taste was not going to be compromised with their products. “We are proud of our product and will move forward with a more natural product line without compromising the quality taste of our food.” Dedrick did inform that a couple products would still use donkey manure, such as the Oreo Pie, until appropriate options could be tested for taste approval.

KFC’s decision to switch donkey manure out of its ingredient list came on the heels of what is anticipated to be a complete revamping of the food code in New York City. The plan is being called the “Less poison in our food” Plan. For years, KFC has been secretly using donkey manure as part of their secret recipe that has been used for everything they sell such as popcorn chicken and Pepsi products. But with recent public perceptions of manure and other off-key ingredients dropping in favor, restaurants have been acting quickly to appease their customer base which generates billions of dollars a year in revenues throughout the fast food industry.

KFC is not the only company that will be altering the ingredients in their products. Long John Silver announced last week that it would stop using mercury laden products in their “Hushpuppies” while Arbys announced last month it would stop using dismembered humans in their entire sandwich line. McDonalds had announced it planned to stop using rendered employee meat in their products in early 2006, however, they have yet to have completed the switch from rendered elderly humans to “some other” meat source.

Americans Continue to Fuck as Population Reaches 300,000,000
Topic: Humor

Boise, ID -- The American population continued to fuck as the nation's total population rose above 300,000,000 for the first time ever. It was estimated that the three hundred millioneth baby that was born, due to a pair of Americans fucking back in late January, in Boise, Idaho.

Decades ago, scientists warned that if Americans didn't limit their fucking, a overpopulation would be upon us any time now. Apparently the scientists were wrong. "It appears that America has plenty more room for fuckers," said Wisconsin professor John Wendel who recently released a paper titled "American Population Growth and the Fuckers Behind It." In the paper, Dr. Wendel concluded that America still had room for Americans to fuck the nation up with children to 350 or even 400 million before noticable strain was ever noted on America's resources.

Not all people were pleased with the 300 million mark. People such as Pat Buchanan weren't happy that the population growth was attributed to the 'proper' causes. "This growth isn't because of Americans fucking. Our growth is disproportional because of illegal immigration. These illegal immigrants fuck and then their children go to our schools, fuck and have more illegal immigrants in high school. It's a fucking distaster!"

Bush insists on staying course for treatment of his mother
Topic: Humor

KENNYBUNKPORT, ME -  Despite the apparent failure of the current treatment regimen for former First Lady Barbara Bush, the President (her son), insists on staying the course and continuing the regimen. 

“I think it sends the wrong message to my mother if we change how we are treating her.  It would… give… gave… give the impression that what we did before was wrong.  I don’t want to upset her,” said President Bush in a press conference at Our Lady of the Accidental Miracle Hospital in Portland, Oregon.  Bush had accidentally sent her to the wrong Portland, but didn’t want to alarm his mother by switching the transfer to Portland, Maine though

The former First Lady suffered what first appeared to be a serious seizure on Thursday morning.  The President immediately had her go to the hospital in Oregon.  The initial treatment, didn’t seam to stabilize the former First Lady.  She still required a ventilator to breath and was showing no signs of consciousness.  The doctors requested that a CAT scan be performed to see whether a stroke had actually occurred, but the President insisted on “staying the course” with the current treatment regimen.   

When asked at the press conference about how his father felt about the treatment, Bush answered that he still answered to “a higher father” and respectfully disagreed with the former President’s opinion.  “I think he has the best interests in his mind, but I honestly believe he is mistaken about how to treat this situation,” said the current President Bush. 

The President also joked that he was glad Medicare was still solvent so his mother could get treatment.  “I know today, Medicare is solvent enough to pay for her care, but I want to make sure that we can streamline Medicare so it doesn’t cost as much to run later on.  Good thing she’s hear now (laughter).”

Nation Stunned At Latest National Disclosure
Topic: Humor
Phoenix, AZ -- America finally had some good news for a change when economically feasible oil was found in an area of the Gulf of Mexico. While supply wouldn’t become available for a while, the discovery will allow America a little breathing room as their need for oil continues to grow. The discovery of oil in the Gulf, however, paled in comparison to the additional discovery made in conjunction with that of the oil.

“Jon Kyl has said that the best way to decrease our reliance on foreign oil is to increase our domestic supply, which is why Kyl voted to allow access to significant reserves like this one in the Gulf of Mexico," stated campaign manager of John Kyl.

The United States was stunned when it learned that there was another Senator from Arizona… and apparently was running for re-election as well. Most Americans had assumed Arizona only had one senator, John McCain, but the above quote clearly would indicate that Arizona actually has two senators.

Washington Analysts were stunned, “We always knew that two votes were coming from Arizona, we just figured John McCain was voting twice,” said longtime DC think-tank analyst Cal Ripper. “This changes a lot of things. Now that we know Arizona has two senators, we’ll try to watch this other guy as well.”

Americans on the whole hadn’t a clue. “I never knew that Arizona had a second senator,” said Ohio native John Sturegon. “I ain’t never heard of that.”

Others had suspected it could be true, but were mostly agnostic on the subject. “All the other states had two senators,” said Taylor Mind of Baton Rouge Louisiana. “I guess it makes sense, but I’m still skeptical.”

The state of Arizona could not be reached for comment.

Six Years after the Election, US still not safe: Bush
Topic: Humor
WASHINGTON – Nearly six years after the election of the Republican candidate in 2000, the US “is not safe yet” from its leadership, the White House said today.

A “national strategy for combating poor leadership” came as the sixth anniversary of the election of George W Bush comes in the next couple of months. Citing cost overruns, poorly waged invasions, inadequate public school reform, tax shortfalls, climbing deficit spending, dismantling of NASA’s successful programs, weakening of EPA’s standards, inadequacy of AIDS prevention policies in Africa, devastating environmental proposals, failure to modify and shore up Social Security, failure to capture Osama bin Laden, poorly predicted cost of Medicare Prescription reform, failure to create any change in border policies, poor reaction to Hurricane Katrina disaster, poor public perception to Terri Schiavo case, weak foreign policy, inability to get support from allies, inability to deal successfully against terrorism and war profiteering among other things were listed as “significant deficiencies that make the US not safe yet.”

The study suggests that the US will remain unsafe for approximately 2 more years, though it suggested that America could see improvements sometime this coming January if the electorate acts wisely.

General Casey Says Troops Could Start Coming Home in 12 to 18 Months
Topic: Humor
BAGHDAD, Iraq - The top U.S. general in Iraq said Wednesday he believes Iraqi forces can take over security with little coalition support within a year to 18 months. “I’ve been steadfast in this belief. I believed it 2 years ago and I believe today. In 12 to 18 months we should be able to transfer most security concerns over to the Iraqi Army,” Gen. George Casey said in Baghdad as a car bomb exploded in the background.

General Casey noted that all US troops would not then be removed instantly from Iraq like in a “Star Trek episode”, but rather a more gradual drawdown that could take 12 to 18 months.

Some experts think it is possible, that a drawdown of troops could begin in a beneficial politically expedient manner in 12 to 18 months. “Currently, American troops in Iraq are seeing about 100 to 200 Iraqis dying a week. Given current improvements in Iraqi capabilities, we believe the Iraqi military should be able to hold weekly death counts of civilians to about 100 to 200 in about 12 to 18 months,” said John Simpleton of the Free Republic Institute for Beneficial Republican Imagery.

Leader of Iraq Nouri al-Maliki has already stated he foresaw Iraqi Army security establishment within the 18 months. “We should be able to arm our military and allow only 100 to 200 deaths a week as we see now with American Military presence in about 18 months.”

General Casey said that there was a three-step policy for securing the US’s ability to leave without losing face. “First step is denial. We began this step back in June 2003. We are well near the end of this step,” Casey told a battery of reporters who were free to ask questions. “The second step is propaganda. Not as much convincing Iraqis that it is safe for us to leave, but assuring Americans that we aren’t ‘cutting and running’ like the Democrats want us to do.”

The third step, Casey noted was “Republicans keeping majorities in 2006 and 2008 and retaining the Presidency.”

When asked about whether the current lull in violence was nothing but a lull like they’ve seen before, Casey answered straightforwardly, “As Dick Cheney said, the insurgency is dying out. He said it over two years ago and it is true now. We’ll be out in 12 to 18 politically beneficial months. It’s as true now as it was 2 years ago and will be 4 years from now.”

McAdams Family Distraught Over Helping Raise African Dictator Umamba Zule
Topic: Humor

McAdams Family Distraught Over Helping Raise African Dictator Umamba Zule

 

The McAdams family of Quincy, Massachusetts became utterly distraught on Tuesday morning when Philip McAdams opened the newspaper and noticed an article dealing with UN sanctions on a nation where they had sponsored a child.  Looking further into the article, the father of the family confirmed that the dictator had the same name as the child they made monthly payments for, up to 14 years ago.  

Knowing this could just be a freak coincidence, the McAdams family contacted the agency that they contracted with to help “The Plague of Africa” grow up.  After one week of searching documents, the agency was able to confirm that the identity of the child was that of the current African dictator.  

Upon learning that the child they helped support for years grew up to be one of Africa’s most gruesome dictators the family became silent.  “We didn’t make a sound for about two hours and just reflected,” said Wendy McAdams, the mother of two who suggested sponsoring an African child in the first place.  “I went upstairs and took out some of the letters he wrote us over the years… we kept them all.”

‘This wek was the first wek me was able to eat twee mels, I thank you gretly for yor wonderfull gif,’ wrote a very young Umamba Zule in one of the first letters the McAdams family received.   The family hadn’t received a letter from Umamba for the past couple of years.  

 Current Photo

 

 From a letter 14 years ago

“We wondered what happened to him,” said Tricia McAdams, the family’s 17 year old daughter.  “It had been well over 20 months since he wrote last… I guess we know now what he’s been doing.”  That would include a bloody coup overthrowing the previous administration and killing over 50,000 people throughout the country, sending hundreds of thousands fleeing to bordering nations that would take them.  

“It’s almost surreal.  The ad said that only 30 cents a day would help clothe and feed a child.  We just wanted to help impact the life of a child,” said Wendy.  And what an impact they made on millions of Africans, including an estimated 12,000 children believed to be killed or seriously injured in the countless waves of violence the African nation is stricken with almost weekly.  

“In the last letter he wrote,” started Philip. “He said he was upset by all the suffering in his country at the hand of their ‘incompetent leadership’.  He said he was going to ‘change everything’.  We just figured that meant he was going to become involved in relief efforts for his country or maybe become a doctor.”

This isn't the first time a sponsored child had grown up to become an infamous leader.  A family Springfield, Illinois helped sponsor a dictator of Congo while a pair of families in Butte, Montana sponsored "Scurge of Chad".

Pluto to be Eliminated from the Solar System -AP
Topic: Humor
In a change of course since 1930 when Pluto was first discovered, scientists have decided, after a tenuous week of deliberations to strip Pluto of it's planetship and to launch a "death-ton" nuclear weapon on an ion jet propulsion guided rocket that will obliterate the dwarf celestial object from the solar system.

"We honestly felt this was the only way to go," said MIT astronomy expert Richard Walker. "We felt if we made the decision of taking the planetship from Pluto and let it still exist, there would be a lingering drive by some scientists to reinstate the planetship."

In what is really the first breakthrough by scientists on the issue of what is a planet, Pluto was choosen to be stripped from it's planethood because it's path around the sun intersects the orbit of Neptune. Now the planet, until it's demise, will be refered to as a "dwarf planet".

"It's utterly inane," said astronomer Kal Ripka from the California Institute. "We have created an entirely arbitrary definition for planets that a bare minority of astronomers bothered to decide. And now with the ordered destruction of Pluto, it will be too late for us to turn this back into the way it should be."

"I understand there is some resistance to the idea of taking away the history of Pluto being a planet," said Chairman of Cornell's Department for Science. "And I can understand further resistance towards the annihlation of the dwarf planet Pluto. But we choose this not arbitrarily, but instead for finality. Pluto must go, so we can concentrate on the deepest mysteries of the universe."

Current plans are for the impact to occur at noon Pacific Time. President Bush was noted as saying he wanted to have it during the day so everyone could see it.

Wireless Warrent-tapping ruled Unconstitutional by dyslexic Judge

In a major breaking case that will harm the Bush Administration severely, a dyslexic judge ruled that wireless warrant-tapping was unconsitutional in a hearing today.

 

 

 

- yes yes... I know that isn't techincally dyslexia.  

"Democrats Promise More Oversight"
Topic: Humor
In a bold statement, House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi promised that if the public gave them control of the House, that the Democrats would promise more oversight of any Republican wrong-doing. "No matter how small, how utterly insignificant, we promise that if we take the House, we will scrutinize any wrong doing by the Republican Party," Pelosi stated while giving a speech in Omaha, Nebraska. "You can't trust the Republicans to oversee themselves, so the public must elect us so that we can." These statements were followed by boisterous applause.

When Pelosi was asked whether the Democrats would have greater oversight on themselves she replied, “You can trust us, we’re the minority party.”

Merck Awarded $2.4 Million in Lawsuit Against Victim of Vioxx -AP
Topic: Humor
Merck Awarded $2.4 Million in Lawsuit Against Victim of Vioxx -AP
4/11/06

A jury in Chicago awarded the Vioxx creator and pharmeceutical giant Merck Inc. $2.4 million in a wrongful death suit. Philip Conrad of Chicago was a user of Vioxx for approximately 7 months before he died of a heart attack. The creators of the drug alleged that Conrad's death, caused by their drug Vioxx, caused their company irrepairable damage to both their sales of the drug Vioxx, which they have now withdrawn from the market, and the defamation on the image of the company.

"We are in this business to help people," said Merck corporate liason Jeff Wilkerbee after the decision, outside the steps of the courthouse where the trial was held. "Our ability to do this has been hampered greatly by the death of Philip Conrad."

The CEO of Merck had mixed emotions regarding the jury's conclusion. "We are pleased to see that the people agree that our image as a pharmaceutical company has been tarnished. However, the paltry sum of $2.4 million won't even begin to help make up the difference from both the lost sales and the defamation of our company. If Philip Conrad and others hadn't died from complications of using our drug Vioxx, we'd still have it on the market and making millions from it. Our ability to work as a corporation in this capitalistic society has been greatly stricken by these deaths."

The family of Philip Conrad has said they would appeal the decision, citing that they couldn't be held neglible for the death of a family member. Also, their retirement savings only amounted to just shy of $1.2 million and they wouldn't be able to meet the entire jury settlement amount.

Usually Jovial Christ Appears in Omelet and Looks Really Pissed (AP)
Topic: Humor
While sitting down to what was supposed to be a normal breakfast in San Juan, Puerto Rico, Jose Menedez noticed a vision in his omelet. Mr. Menedez, who works for a local television company and is a happily married father of two, noticed immediately what it was that was looking back at him. But something was very different.

Since 1992, there have been hundreds of alleged appearances of Jesus Christ or Mary from things such as a grilled cheese to an overpass that the state of Pennsylvania sold on Ebay for $25,000 to an online casino, a decision the state is now greatly regretting. However unlike those times, in the breakfast that Jose Menedez was preparing to eat, Jesus appeared but he wasn’t happy. “When I saw the image, I was so full of bliss. The Lord Christ appeared to me, but when I looked closer, I became frightened. I didn’t know if he was angry because of something I did or if he was having a bad day.”

“This appears to be a rare occurrence,” said Brother Hal Videinz, a Brother at a local church who constantly has his word processor underline his name as being spelled wrong, and ironically happens to be an expert on the contemporary appearances of the Holy Lord. “All over the world, Jesus and the Blessed Mother have come to us whether it has been in a burrito in Venezuela or in streusel in Germany. All these times they have appeared to us with joy and blissful content on their face. This is the first time I’m aware of the Lord coming to us, appearing to be angry. This could indeed be a sign that Jesus isn’t happy with us, whomever ‘us’ is.”

Critics disagree as to the cause of The Lord’s displeasure. Some people have suggested homosexuality, gay marriage and masturbation while others have looked to Christian nations ignoring the suffering of billions around the world. “I look at this picture of Jesus, as he has come to us and I blame you. All you homos, gays, atheists, agnostics, liberals, people for welfare, masturbators and most importantly anyone who voted for Kerry,” said Pat Robertson on a television interview on the Fox News Channel.

Other people have pondered perhaps this is a sign of the end being near. “This is a sign of the end being near. I’m raising the rapture score up to 1,258,595” said Tom Watkins at a web board called “Rapture Ready”, a website devoted to showing how happy the end is near.

One thing is certain; the Lord has appeared and he isn’t happy. Attempts to contact the Lord Jesus Christ went unanswered.

Barrel Shortage Causes Oil Prices to Spike
Topic: Humor
Barrel Shortage Causes Oil Prices to Spike


-AP

Up to just recently, crude oil prices have been fluctating often due to high demand and instability with the supply of crude oil. Prices had reached upwards of $80 a barrel of oil, but have since receded to the mid sixty dollar range.

This has all changed now. Due to the high demand of oil, the barrel industry has started to become overwhelmed with purchase demands. "For every barrel of oil taken from the ground, that means one barrel we need to make." On an average day, 83 million barrels are needed to store the 83 million barrels of oil obtained from production. This is an increase of 8 percent since 2000.

While the global barrel industry has been able to generate barrels on demand without breaking a sweat, the recent increase in demand for barrels had started taking its effect on the barrel making industry. Maintenance was taking the biggest hit.

In 2000, the barrel industry typically was able to coordinate maintenance from plant to plant, globally, in order to ensure the consistent supply of barrels. “But since the need for barrels continues to increase, we’ve had to skip required maintenance, hoping for a lull. And when Hurricane Katrina hit, we thought we’d be able to get that lull, but OPEC increased their output and we still needed to keep our plants open.” This lead to 3 plants, (Trenton, New Jersey, New Delhi in India and Frankfort, Germany) having problems and complications that led to the temporary shutdowns which has caused the barrel shortage.

A barrel of sweet crude oil now costs $76 and the price continues to increase as the shortage gap grows larger and larger. “We can no longer produce the amount of barrels without significant consequence, and we have therefore raised the prices of the barrels. Until this shortage can be made up, oil prices will remain high.”

Government around the globe are looking at solutions to the shortage. It has been suggest that the US could use the barrels in their strategic barrel reserve, however, the US has said it remains cautious of doing so. “We can’t simply take barrels from our barrel reserve because the price of barrels has increased,” said Scott McClellan. “The US needs to save these barrels for an emergency when there are no further options.”

US President, George W. Bush was quoted as saying, during a press conference when reporters pressed on the issue, “I guess we could just borrow some from Donkey Kong.”

Mr. Tickle Resigns from CEO Position in Sexual Harassment Scandal
Topic: Humor
Mr. Tickle Resigns from CEO Position in Sexual Harassment Scandal

- AP

Mr. Tickle seen here entering a press conference (undated)

Mr. Tickle, former CEO of Toys ‘R Us, resigned last week amid allegations of sexual harassment. The accusations have now led to his arrest yesterday afternoon in what has become a flurry of controversy for the national toy store.

Mr. Tickle during arraignment

At the center of the allegations is a co-worker of Mr. Tickle who has claimed that Mr. Tickle inappropriately touched her on multiple occasions. When confronted about the improprieties, Mr. Tickle laughed off the claim and notified the victim that her job depended on her silence. Two months of this behavior continued before the victim finally went to authorities.

Mr. Tickle denies any wrong-doing and says he is being setup by what he called a “revenge-seeking ex”.

Churches in Alabama on Fire
Topic: Humor

- AP

Just under a dozen Baptist churches have been burned in Alabama over the past 4 days with recent fires in Bibb County on Tuesday. The police aren't offering much information only that they are suspicious of the Presybertarians who had recently gotten their butts handed to them in the recent Presybertarian - Baptist bowling league championship.

Burning churches in Alabama has not been a rare occurance. Over the past ten years, nearly 60 churches have burned down. About one-third of the fires were ruled arsons by investigators, while the remaining were ruled "Acts of God."

The Police refuse to comment on rumors that patrons arriving early at one of the churches noticed a large hand coming out of the sky. Local, State and Federal awards totalling $10,000 are available to anyone with information related to the probe. An additional $25,000 will be offered if they get the bonus ball.