Tabloid Media Mourns Loss of Smith
Topic: Humor
"At the age of 39," said tabloid editor Carl Likens with tears welling up in his eyes, "she dies too soon. She had so much more material to offer us."

Anna Nicole Smith, globally famous for her role in Naked Gun 33-1/3, was found unresponsive in her hotel room Thursday afternoon. They pronounced her dead when it was determined she wasn't alive. The news shocked a not as easily shocked public regarding Anna Nicole Smith who managed to be involved in 149 different lawsuits since her appearance in the Naked Gun film, which made her a target for evil lawyers. Even one of her cases went up to the US Supreme Court.

But now, that she is dead, the tabloid media is mourning the loss. "We figured we had at least 34 more cover stories... that'd lasted us maybe four years alone. There would have been the baby story, weight gain, weight loss, weight gain, weight disappearance, maybe a few more divorces. But all that potential... it's all gone," said Kim Wilburly who then bursted into tears. "She had so much more to give this world."

The baby Wilburly referred to has mystery parents. Doctors and lawyers are kinda sure the baby was brought to term in Anna Nicole Smith. But the father remains a mystery. Luckily, the baby is due to inherit a large fusion of cash, so alleged fathers will be pouring from the sky to claim her.

Simon & Schuster report bleak sales of Braille on Audio Tape
Topic: Humor

Simon & Schuster announced that their sales of their newest language audio tapes, braille, have sold terribly, amassing a total of 20 sets sold in the United States after it's first three months since being released.

This has been the worse showing for Simon & Schuster in the educational book sector since they released Sign Language on Audio Tape back in 1998.

Not Yet Elected John Williams (R) Kansas announces plan for 2016 Presidential Run
Topic: Humor
Not Yet Congressman Elect - John Williams (R) Kansas announced his plans for a 2016 Presidential bid today among a press corp at his job at General Manager of a factory in Topeka, Kansas. John Williams said he plans to run for Congress in 2010, serve 4 years, when he'll begin his momentum for a Presidential bid on the Republican ticket.

Not Yet Congressman Elect John Williams now joins a slowly growing group of people seeking the 2016 nomination of their party. Among him are two also yet to be elected Senators, a current Cabinet member of the Bush Administration and a currently recovering alcoholic son of a powerful Washington lobbyist.

Williams noted that he'd run a strong campaign based on moral values, abortion and any other thing that riles his base up. When asked whether he'd also run for re-election for his Congressional seat while seeking the Presidency, Williams said "It was too early to tell."

Iraq's Oldest Known Citizen Dies at 59
Topic: Humor
The "Grandfather of Iraq" died yesterday in a nursing home in the Anbar Province. He died from injuries related to a suicide bomber attack he was victim of while out buying a puppy for his granddaughter. Ahmed Amini was known nationwide as the oldest person to be alive in Iraq, perhaps the only man to have lived long enough to see a third generation born into the family. He is survived by a son and daughter and 3 grandchildren.

He is survived by Nahil Gerrah of Basra, who is believed to now be the oldest person in Ira.... wait... not anymore. Car bomb. Now it is believed that Humi Vaty of Kurdistan is the oldest citizen in Iraq, at the age of 53.

Ford Announces New Plan to Cut Losses
Topic: Humor
Ford announced a plan to help cut it's losses in the short term today.  Ford said it lost about $12.7 billion in 2006.  That comes out to about $34 million a day.

So in order to help reduce the losses, Ford has announced that in 2007 and 2008 it won't try to build any cars or trucks.  "We figure, we'll save money by not trying to make a profit," said Ford's new CEO Mulally.

According to Dean Witter, this may actually pay off.  "Ford is burning over $1 million an hour in losses when they try to build stuff and sell at a profit.  If Ford merely shuts down production, they'll save lots of money in material and shipping costs," said Allan Tummey, analyst at Dean Witter.  

The analysis indicates that if Ford stops trying to make money by making and selling stuff, they'll only lose $5 billion over the next two years. 

Bush Unveils New Iraq Policy - (Don't Ask, Don't Tell)
Bush in a press conference yesterday, announced the new White House strategy in Iraq. "We will initiate a 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy for Iraq," said President Bush. "It is our plan to reduce reporting of the negative things in Iraq and as long no one asks what is going on in Iraq, there will be no need to report it." The 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' policy has already seen some positive signs as no reports of bombings, death, beheadings or kidnappings were reported in the press today.

Even God Was Sick With The Patriots - Makes Caldwell Drop Passes
It is being reported that the Lord of universe, Jesus Christ, was pissed off at the Patriots winning all the playoff games they were playing. In order to put the Patriots, "back in their place", Jesus made sure that Caldwell dropped two wide open passes (one for a certain touchdown), and hardened the heart of an official so that he wouldn't call pass interference on a throw in the end zone where the Colts defender was clearly in contact with the receiver before the ball came.

Indianapolis head coach, Tony Dungy, was happy with the game result and thanked God for it. "I want to thank God for helping us win. He really came through on those passes to Caldwell. And God really made the running game for the Patriots useless after the first quarter. And God also helped put the final nail in the coffin by making Tom Brady throw that interception at the end of the game. Hopefully with God's help, Grossman will fumble the ball a lot and we can win the Super Bowl."

Frigid Temperatures Doom Alaskan Orange Crop for 23rd Straight Season
Topic: Humor
“It’s ruined!” cried Alaskan orange farmer Dale Watson. “I can’t believe this… I really thought this year would be the one.” In what Alaskan officials are deeming as the worst disaster to hit the Alaskan Orange crop since last winter, it is believed that 100% of all the orange crops in Alaska, from Fairbanks to Juneau are a complete loss. Temperatures zoomed down into the negative digits for only the 23rd time in Barrow this season, which left the orange crops in utter tatters.

Juneau, which wasn’t as bashed by the winter as northern Alaska, still hasn’t managed to get out from under the freezing mark for two weeks, which would spell disaster for the orange farmers there as well. This is the worst crop disaster in Alaskan history since last winter, when the cold weather destroyed crops all over the state. It’s also the 23rd straight year, since orange groves spread across the state for the first time, that the orange crops have failed to yield a single piece of fruit.

The governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin announced that she would seek federal aid to help compensate the orange grove owners, which haven’t seen a dime made since they first opened. US Senator Ted Stevens was also working pen legislation to help free the orange grove workers of liability regarding the work safety conditions on the groves. It has been estimated that over 100 people, mostly illegal immigrants from Central America, have died from “accidents” while tending to the crops above the artic circle. “We mustn’t let these details affect our ability to help those in need and those people in need are these poor orange grove farmers in Alaska,” said Senator Stevens in a press conference earlier today in the nation’s capital.

Democrats Release Alternative Plan on Iraq
Topic: Humor
The Democratic Party, in front of a caravan of journalists, came together in order to release their "alternative" plan for the depressing military effort going on in Iraq. The Democrats listed a 25 point plan that they said was critical in regaining a Mission Accomplished status in Iraq. The first three points of that plan included the resignations of George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Condolezza Rice.

"With the first three points accomplished, we can start anew in Iraq," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. "Success in Iraq is virtually impossible with these incompetent boobs still in power."

"How in the fucking world do Americans think that the same Administration that got us in this mess can actually maneuver us out of it?" said possible Presidential hopeful Barrack Obama. "That's just fucking stupid."

The remaining points for Iraq included no surge of troops in Iraq, which the Democrats deemed as potentially dangerous to the Army. "In order to maintain a workable military, we mustn't act carelessly with the deployment of troops in a desperate manner" stated the 189 page report released by the Democrats.

The Democrats also suggested bolstering the training of Iraqi civil services, troops and police. "An Iraqi government will only be able to stand on itself, if it can offer the needs of the people, including water and electricity. If these services aren't available, the issue of employment becomes irrelevant."

A more controversial 30 point plan was suggested by Cleveland Democrat Presidential candidate, though hardly a hopeful, Dennis Kucinich that included locking the Republican party in a closet for about 20 years. This idea was rejected by party leader Howard Dean as being difficult to properly enact and possibly even unconstitutional.
President George W. Bush mocked the Democrat plan as foolish and not addressing the important issues that the War in Iraq stand for, such as the "War on Terror", "Nuclear bomb" and "the threat of WMDs". Bush quickly ended his press conference mentioning on an aside that he needed to get back to work on his military plans for Iran.

God tells Robertson to shut the fuck up - Robertson
Topic: Humor
Pat Robertson, former head of the Christian Coalition or more notably, "that old guy" on The 700 Club said God had spoken to him recently.

"He told me to quote, shut your fucking mouth, end quote. He seemed pretty dead on about it." In the past few years, Robertson had claimed that God told him of a tsunami that would hit the US (it rained heavy in New England that year) or a Bush landslide victory (John Kerry amassed the second highest vote total in election history). Being so far off base, God contacted Robertson so he could tell the aging evangelist to 'stop talking under his name' and to just in general 'fucking disappear'.

God could not be reached for comment.

11,000,000 bottles of acetaminophen recalled
Topic: General

The following is part AP News story as linked and part commentary on the drug acetaminophen.  This isn't a humor submission.

AP News Link

Plush Stuffed Hippo (I) refuses to concede House race
Topic: Humor
Des Moines, IA -- Despite being down by a margin of 3 to 1, the plushed stuffed hippopotamus has yet to concede the Iowa Congress house race. Dan Bartlett (R), his main opponent where the Democrats didn't run against the incumbant was growing more livid as nearly 24 hours passed since the polls closed yesterday. "I don't understand what he thinks he'll get from it. It's probably just a publicity stunt," said the two termer congressman.

In what was a relatively quiet campaign between the two, the plush stuffed hippo was criticized by his opponent and the media for standing Bartlett up at the two scheduled debates, by not showing up. The media cited this and an apparent lack of campaigning all together was what weakened the stuffed animals chance of winning the election. "Without proper exposure," said Tom Wilkins a professor at Iowa State, "it becomes harder to win the key moderate swing voters. No name recognition always leads to fewer votes."

Despite this, the stuffed hippo did manage to get about 25% of the vote, doing its best in rural Iowa, where voters noted that the hippo was clean and had outstanding character, unlike most politicians. "He's quiet... I like that," said Mary Helmsworth, a bus driver from rural Iowa.

Regardless, it is unusual for a candidate to wait so long before conceding, especially when all major news outlets immediately projected that the hippos opponent had won. "He can stay silent all he wants. If my opponent wants to be this way, I'm still the winner and I need to move on."

Small town in Ohio elects Pat Buchanan as Dog Catcher
Wadsworth, OH -- In a massive write-in campaign, the voters of a small city close to Akron, Ohio elected noted conservative, Pat Buchanan as dog catcher. The post, a mandatory lifetime appointment, was up for grabs after the pre-existing dog catcher, Phil Sturgeon, died of complications from cancer. He was the dog catcher for the city for 20 years, when he ran a clean campaign promising "No crap is my wrap."

It is currently unknown who began the write-in campaign idea for Pat Buchanan. According to Ohio State Law, not only must you write in the name of the candidate, but you must also enter their address (and if from out of state, their social security number). Regardless, Pat Buchanan, who has run for President in multiple parties before, won in landslide to get the office of Dog Catcher.

Pat Buchanan was completely unaware of the write-in campaign and following polls which showed him generously in the lead of Shirely Walker, his only other competition. Upon learning that he won the election, he simply informed the City of Wadsworth that he would resign from the job. The City, however, responded that due to a legal technicality from the title of the job, it was a first degree felony to resign from the position without having a majority vote from the City Council. The City Council felt it would be an insult to Wadsworth if the conservative commentator rebuff their own electorate and decided not to give Pat Buchanan a way out.

Pat Buchanan will spend his first day on the job on January 1, 2007.

The Official 2006 Mid-Term Prediction
Topic: Politics

It's coming down the wire. And the picture is unclear in some ways, even blurrier in others.

First off, GW Bush is spending American taxpayer money is an assault on the Breadbasket of America, to plead and beg the base to come out and vote... other the Dems will end all tax cuts and cancel Christmas. I just feel this smacks of desperation. Granted... what else is Bush going to do? Form a decent plan of action in Iraq. Excuse me while I try to stop laughing. Regardless, Bush is campaigning in odd places. People speak about how Kerry's gaff made people not want him around. Oddly enough, the President of the United States is so unpopular, the party he belongs to doesn't want him around extremely close races in Missouri, Tennessee and Virginia. The three of which have been very close the past couple of weeks, though Corker seems to have pulled it off, already. So with Bush playing in the Red Zone, you've got to think that the GOP fears not only energizing the Liberal base with a visit from him, but they feel his presence is necessary in strong GOP land just to get them out to vote!

Websites are all around. Only the most stubborn  seem to think the Republicans can keep both houses.

"If you've read this blog for long, you know that I decreed that the GOP would keep both the House and the Senate. I have never retracted those edicts during these past six months - even when they appeared to be complete fantasy." (From above link)

They cite that a number of races are too close to really call out a verdict on the races, so the Republicans are still alive. This could be true... however, pollsters like Zogby are less interested that the Dems are winning these tight races as much as the fact that the leads have grown.

"While some Democratic leads have increased steadily heading down the stretch, other Democratic challengers have done far better." (From above link)

But with Republicans rebounders like Simmons in the House or Burns in Montana, it is really hard to say which way the wave is going. The trend could be still a large wave of marginal victories for the Dems, or a small wave of decent victories.

More liberal sites like Electoral-Vote.com seem quite pleased with the polling to suggest a significant takeover of power in the House (241 seats for the Democrats) and an absolute tossup for the Senate. However, no site that I've seen seems to think the Senate isn't a tossup. Everyone admits that it's a 3 of 4 need for the Democrats with Montana, Virginia, Missouri and Tennessee. Winning only two will give control of the Senate to trigger happy Cheney. I hope he lays off the alcohol and prescription drug mixes while casting tie breaking votes.

And what is lost in all this? The fact that a bare minority of House races are polled at all. The vast majority of them are deemed non-competitive. This is where the surprise may come. The disapproval of Bush is clear and certain, ranging from 34 to 41 percent depending on which polls you read. Congress approval rating is even more dismal, ranging from 25 to 31 percent. Here is the kicker, both Congress and the President are GOP. So you have less in 1 in 3 approving of the Republican Congress. Less than 2 in 5 approving of Bush in the White House. Honestly, other than a strong view that the election will be fixed, I have no clue why people think the Republicans are going to be anywhere near safe.

The only bright spot would appear to be the whole tightening of the Republican v Democrat generic poll which shows a once double digit Democrat lead turning into only a single digit Democrat lead. This would probably be from Bush's and Cheney's use of Taxpayer money to stump and get his message on the air about how the Democrats don't have a plan for Iraq or that the Democrats want to raise taxes on all Middle Class hardworkers to pay for their blowjobs by gay, drug abusing Pentecostal Evangelists. How significant is this? I don't think very. The people who'd be swayed this way are being swayed from voting Democrat, probably not being swayed to vote Republican.

Just as in 2004, it really is hard to tell where tomorrow will take us, especially in light of the whole will the Electronic Machines work in fucking Cleveland this time?! My gut says big win for the Democrats... I think in 2004 I was hopeful for Kerry, but it wasn't until numbers were leaked on Election Day did I think he had it, though I thought it impossible for Kerry to lose (America apparently was unable to contemplate what giving Bush 2 more years would do to this country). The polls seem to show the Dems taking control of at least one House, but maybe both. The margins for the House is in the air, but it is known whomever has the Senate will barely have it.

Tuesday will be a slow day and it won't be until late evening when we know where we stand. I wish I could say 250 seats in the House. It is logical, seeing Bush is campaigning in areas where campaigning shouldn't be needed. Races that are close weren't supposed to be close. I'd gladly take a smaller majority with 220 to 230 seats. And taking the Senate would be swell, but it's just too close to call. Anyone predicting the Senate is a liar or a fool or works for Diebold.

My final predictions-
What I hope:
Dems 250 seats in the House
Dems 50 Repubs 49 Too Close 1

What I should think:
Dems 225 to 230 seats
Dems 48 to 49 Repubs 51 to 52

  

KFC Announces Removal of Donkey Manure from Most of their Food
Topic: Humor
Frankfort, KY -- KFC announced this morning it would replace donkey manure as one of its ingredients from its entire line of food products including fried chicken, potato wedges and cheese cake. Gregg Dedrick, company President, announced that instead of using donkey manure, KFC would use ingredients deemed more ‘wholesome.’ The President of the company noted that taste was not going to be compromised with their products. “We are proud of our product and will move forward with a more natural product line without compromising the quality taste of our food.” Dedrick did inform that a couple products would still use donkey manure, such as the Oreo Pie, until appropriate options could be tested for taste approval.

KFC’s decision to switch donkey manure out of its ingredient list came on the heels of what is anticipated to be a complete revamping of the food code in New York City. The plan is being called the “Less poison in our food” Plan. For years, KFC has been secretly using donkey manure as part of their secret recipe that has been used for everything they sell such as popcorn chicken and Pepsi products. But with recent public perceptions of manure and other off-key ingredients dropping in favor, restaurants have been acting quickly to appease their customer base which generates billions of dollars a year in revenues throughout the fast food industry.

KFC is not the only company that will be altering the ingredients in their products. Long John Silver announced last week that it would stop using mercury laden products in their “Hushpuppies” while Arbys announced last month it would stop using dismembered humans in their entire sandwich line. McDonalds had announced it planned to stop using rendered employee meat in their products in early 2006, however, they have yet to have completed the switch from rendered elderly humans to “some other” meat source.

Americans Continue to Fuck as Population Reaches 300,000,000
Topic: Humor

Boise, ID -- The American population continued to fuck as the nation's total population rose above 300,000,000 for the first time ever. It was estimated that the three hundred millioneth baby that was born, due to a pair of Americans fucking back in late January, in Boise, Idaho.

Decades ago, scientists warned that if Americans didn't limit their fucking, a overpopulation would be upon us any time now. Apparently the scientists were wrong. "It appears that America has plenty more room for fuckers," said Wisconsin professor John Wendel who recently released a paper titled "American Population Growth and the Fuckers Behind It." In the paper, Dr. Wendel concluded that America still had room for Americans to fuck the nation up with children to 350 or even 400 million before noticable strain was ever noted on America's resources.

Not all people were pleased with the 300 million mark. People such as Pat Buchanan weren't happy that the population growth was attributed to the 'proper' causes. "This growth isn't because of Americans fucking. Our growth is disproportional because of illegal immigration. These illegal immigrants fuck and then their children go to our schools, fuck and have more illegal immigrants in high school. It's a fucking distaster!"

Bush insists on staying course for treatment of his mother
Topic: Humor

KENNYBUNKPORT, ME -  Despite the apparent failure of the current treatment regimen for former First Lady Barbara Bush, the President (her son), insists on staying the course and continuing the regimen. 

“I think it sends the wrong message to my mother if we change how we are treating her.  It would… give… gave… give the impression that what we did before was wrong.  I don’t want to upset her,” said President Bush in a press conference at Our Lady of the Accidental Miracle Hospital in Portland, Oregon.  Bush had accidentally sent her to the wrong Portland, but didn’t want to alarm his mother by switching the transfer to Portland, Maine though

The former First Lady suffered what first appeared to be a serious seizure on Thursday morning.  The President immediately had her go to the hospital in Oregon.  The initial treatment, didn’t seam to stabilize the former First Lady.  She still required a ventilator to breath and was showing no signs of consciousness.  The doctors requested that a CAT scan be performed to see whether a stroke had actually occurred, but the President insisted on “staying the course” with the current treatment regimen.   

When asked at the press conference about how his father felt about the treatment, Bush answered that he still answered to “a higher father” and respectfully disagreed with the former President’s opinion.  “I think he has the best interests in his mind, but I honestly believe he is mistaken about how to treat this situation,” said the current President Bush. 

The President also joked that he was glad Medicare was still solvent so his mother could get treatment.  “I know today, Medicare is solvent enough to pay for her care, but I want to make sure that we can streamline Medicare so it doesn’t cost as much to run later on.  Good thing she’s hear now (laughter).”

Nation Stunned At Latest National Disclosure
Topic: Humor
Phoenix, AZ -- America finally had some good news for a change when economically feasible oil was found in an area of the Gulf of Mexico. While supply wouldn’t become available for a while, the discovery will allow America a little breathing room as their need for oil continues to grow. The discovery of oil in the Gulf, however, paled in comparison to the additional discovery made in conjunction with that of the oil.

“Jon Kyl has said that the best way to decrease our reliance on foreign oil is to increase our domestic supply, which is why Kyl voted to allow access to significant reserves like this one in the Gulf of Mexico," stated campaign manager of John Kyl.

The United States was stunned when it learned that there was another Senator from Arizona… and apparently was running for re-election as well. Most Americans had assumed Arizona only had one senator, John McCain, but the above quote clearly would indicate that Arizona actually has two senators.

Washington Analysts were stunned, “We always knew that two votes were coming from Arizona, we just figured John McCain was voting twice,” said longtime DC think-tank analyst Cal Ripper. “This changes a lot of things. Now that we know Arizona has two senators, we’ll try to watch this other guy as well.”

Americans on the whole hadn’t a clue. “I never knew that Arizona had a second senator,” said Ohio native John Sturegon. “I ain’t never heard of that.”

Others had suspected it could be true, but were mostly agnostic on the subject. “All the other states had two senators,” said Taylor Mind of Baton Rouge Louisiana. “I guess it makes sense, but I’m still skeptical.”

The state of Arizona could not be reached for comment.

Six Years after the Election, US still not safe: Bush
Topic: Humor
WASHINGTON – Nearly six years after the election of the Republican candidate in 2000, the US “is not safe yet” from its leadership, the White House said today.

A “national strategy for combating poor leadership” came as the sixth anniversary of the election of George W Bush comes in the next couple of months. Citing cost overruns, poorly waged invasions, inadequate public school reform, tax shortfalls, climbing deficit spending, dismantling of NASA’s successful programs, weakening of EPA’s standards, inadequacy of AIDS prevention policies in Africa, devastating environmental proposals, failure to modify and shore up Social Security, failure to capture Osama bin Laden, poorly predicted cost of Medicare Prescription reform, failure to create any change in border policies, poor reaction to Hurricane Katrina disaster, poor public perception to Terri Schiavo case, weak foreign policy, inability to get support from allies, inability to deal successfully against terrorism and war profiteering among other things were listed as “significant deficiencies that make the US not safe yet.”

The study suggests that the US will remain unsafe for approximately 2 more years, though it suggested that America could see improvements sometime this coming January if the electorate acts wisely.

General Casey Says Troops Could Start Coming Home in 12 to 18 Months
Topic: Humor
BAGHDAD, Iraq - The top U.S. general in Iraq said Wednesday he believes Iraqi forces can take over security with little coalition support within a year to 18 months. “I’ve been steadfast in this belief. I believed it 2 years ago and I believe today. In 12 to 18 months we should be able to transfer most security concerns over to the Iraqi Army,” Gen. George Casey said in Baghdad as a car bomb exploded in the background.

General Casey noted that all US troops would not then be removed instantly from Iraq like in a “Star Trek episode”, but rather a more gradual drawdown that could take 12 to 18 months.

Some experts think it is possible, that a drawdown of troops could begin in a beneficial politically expedient manner in 12 to 18 months. “Currently, American troops in Iraq are seeing about 100 to 200 Iraqis dying a week. Given current improvements in Iraqi capabilities, we believe the Iraqi military should be able to hold weekly death counts of civilians to about 100 to 200 in about 12 to 18 months,” said John Simpleton of the Free Republic Institute for Beneficial Republican Imagery.

Leader of Iraq Nouri al-Maliki has already stated he foresaw Iraqi Army security establishment within the 18 months. “We should be able to arm our military and allow only 100 to 200 deaths a week as we see now with American Military presence in about 18 months.”

General Casey said that there was a three-step policy for securing the US’s ability to leave without losing face. “First step is denial. We began this step back in June 2003. We are well near the end of this step,” Casey told a battery of reporters who were free to ask questions. “The second step is propaganda. Not as much convincing Iraqis that it is safe for us to leave, but assuring Americans that we aren’t ‘cutting and running’ like the Democrats want us to do.”

The third step, Casey noted was “Republicans keeping majorities in 2006 and 2008 and retaining the Presidency.”

When asked about whether the current lull in violence was nothing but a lull like they’ve seen before, Casey answered straightforwardly, “As Dick Cheney said, the insurgency is dying out. He said it over two years ago and it is true now. We’ll be out in 12 to 18 politically beneficial months. It’s as true now as it was 2 years ago and will be 4 years from now.”