So I'm going to run for Senate soon... working on platform
Topic: Politics

I think it's pretty clear that there are few options that the American people want... and I want to run on those platforms to win.

1) My "Marriage to Divorce Refund Obligation" Constitutional Amendment. Due to the high divorce rate in the US, there are literally billions wasted on wedding gifts every year for couples who are doomed to divorce. So I want to set up a constitutional amendment that makes it required that divorcing couples have to refund money for gifts received, back to the senders. Currently, my plan is to have the first ten years be equal to the original price of the item, adjusted for inflation. After that, the rate will be pro-rated for the next ten years. If a couple manages to stay together for 20 years, they don't need to refund anything if they divorce afterwards.

2) Non-invasive pap and colonoscopy / prostate exam. I figure, I can run on a platform that will give $1 billion to the first company that creates a 100% reliable non-invasive pap and colonoscopy. This ensures me about 20% of the vote, across all spectrums of political ideology... except Libertarians who will believe it's up to the free market to develop these non-invasive procedures.

3) Invent the variable speed limit. Spend $10 billion to develop a computer system that can eliminate traffic jams (except directly near accidents where passage is impossible), by using computer generated models to determine the proper speed cars should be going in order to reduce volume at any specific part of a highway. This would save gasoline, reduce emissions and in general make everyone except for Hummer H1, H2 and H3 drivers happy.

4) To appease Hummer drivers, I will propose giving them penile implants. This will work on two levels. From the obvious joy of no longer having a dimpled chad, they won't feel the necessity for driving a military vehicle to work, so not only will they stop driving Hummers, they will probably need to get a new, more efficient (just about anything is more efficient than a Hummer) vehicle.

5) Clean Air Act of 2008. In order to help conserve the environment, the government will require that people (who are determined to be full of "hot air") will need to surround the areas of their "preaching" with plants, bushes and possibly trees (for people like Limbaugh) in order to quickly transform the wasted oxygen excreted into the environment as hot air, full of carbon dioxide (and hazardous dihydrogen monoxide), back into oxygen.

6) When elected, I will call for the complete withdrawal of Iraqis from Iraq. They will be put into Texas, where the death penalty is liberally used for justice. Seeing that the death penalty has been shown to deter crime, that will stop all the violence.

Any other ideas? Personally I think option 2 may be enough to get me elected.

Nitrogen in your tires? WTF?!
Topic: General
So I'm listening to NPR's Talk of the Nation. They are discussing ways to improve mileage. One guy calls and says he's heard that pumping your tires with nitrogen instead of air will improve your mileage.

My brain starts thinking. Why is this wrong? I don't know exactly, only that it sounds fishy.

Then it quickly dawns on me... oh yeah... air is what 72 or 80% Nitrogen to begin with!

So I go to the only place where safe and reliable information abounds... the internet. I find this web site.
Well, number 4 had to be the funniest damn thing I've ever read. Who exactly is worried about the air... you know the regular atmosphere that you are already pumping into your tires just combusting spontaneously? If you were really worried about that, Nitrogen may not be safe enough... might need to go with a Noble Gas. Some Krypton may work wonders! They put it in windows after all!

Point 1 above would seem to be the only thing worth noting. However, I'm under the impression that typically air temperature has the largest affect on the pressure in your tires, because the warmer the air, the lower the density, ie the greater the volume a fixed amount of gas fills.

I find the idea that reducing wheel corrosion is a benefit. Typically a tire is done when the tread is nearly gone, not when the tire has rusted away.

This website is mentioning a lot of facts, but not a bunch of actual problems that Nitrogen filling would have on my tires. I'm starting to wonder whether the internet is 100% accurate after all!

But the article continues, and to my greatest relief...
Honestly, two points.
1) How is that "ironic"?
2) It is just reassuring that the author says it does make a difference.

Why bother telling the reading how BIG of a difference, when you can just say, well yeah... of course it does.

Really starting to doubt the accuracy of the internet now. Just one more thing to make me lose it all.

*Phew* I can trust this article after all. This guy has a PhD in Chemistry and works in the automobile industry and his accomp... oh wait... he's into marketing?! Fuck me...

It appears that this article is being written by someone who is being paid to make Nitrogen sound as if it is the end all save all for cars and mileage. What an asshole!

Luckily, I did find a place that was a little more honest about the reality of filling tires with only Nitrogen... ie... it's not anything that really makes a difference.

Republicans Have First Debate
California - The Republicans held their first debate amongst themselves to help garner support for their candidacy for the Republican nomination for the Presidential race in 18 months. The Republicans were uniform in their message, though they differed in magnitude. "If the Democrats are elected, many more Americans would die," said presidential hopeful John McCain.

Mitt Romney, former Governor of Massachusetts (and first Republican to actually finish a term as Governor in Massachusetts since 1876) raised the bar a bit, "I guarantee that people in this crowd will die if a Democrat is elected in 2008."

Senator Brownback went even further saying that some in the audience would be forced "to marry cows" if a Democrat was elected in 2008.

Also noted in the debate was the bravado of candidates bragging how much money they have raised for the Presidential race. "I've got $20 million, now said Mitt Romney." McCain gave him the finger and followed it with, "I could raise $20 million in my sleep."

On issues such as Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, Iraq, Iran, North Korea, and Health Care in general, the candidates assured the audience if the Democrats were elected in 2008, they'd all go to hell.

New John Hopkins Study Proves Yo Momma So Fat...
Topic: Humor
AP - Bethesda, Maryland -- A case study just completed at John Hopkins University has concluded that yo momma so fat my dog bit her and died of cholesterol poisoning. The five year case study was first started when study author, William Ying heard rumors that yo momma’s so fat she entered a fat contest and won first, second and third. "When I heard of humors about that, I knew I really wanted to do a case study to find out just how fat yo momma is."

The implications of this discovery has gotten the attention of some politicians. "If this study is correct," started Dennis Hastert (R), "then that could mean if she weighed five more pounds, she could get group insurance. This would become a difficult national health care hurdle to account for! If she was covered with Medicare, the costs could be detrimental to the nation."

Even Bush Administration's Secretary of the Treasury was alarmed by the study. "This could mean if she's so fat, that if she sat on a dollar bill and turned it into 4 quarters. This could lead to security problems regarding the following of currency," said Secretary Paulson.

Gold to Reach $1000 - John Wagner
Columbus, OH - AP -- "The price of gold is going to reach $1000," said metal commodity broker John Wagner today. "Trust me, it will," he followed up.

Citing inflation, time, infatuation with shiny things and the general propensity for metals to increase in value, John Wagner has boldly predicted that Gold will reach $1000 an ounce.

"Gold has never been zero," said John Wagner, "I mean, since it was given a value," he finished. "The shit was worthless before it was discovered."

When asked when it would reach this goal, John Wagner replied, "Yeah, it'll reach $1000 an ounce."

Congress to Investigate Credit Card Companies
Topic: Humor
Washington DC - AP -- The Senate has announced plans to investigate whether receiving 7 to 10 credit card applications a week, 30% interest rate charges and outrageous account management fees are questionable.

"I'm up for re-election and I need a very popular and public position to take," started Minnesota Senator Norm Coleman. "...so I'm for investigating whether 30% interest rates on credit cards are kosher."

The other Senator taking the lead is Michigan Senator, Carl Levin. "We need to investigate whether it is predatory to send the average household up to 5 to 10 credit card applications a week."

The nation was shocked when it learned that Credit Card companies send a barrage of credit card applications to every person in the country, including 10 year olds and people who've been dead for 15 years. The nation was also surprised to learn that credit card companies will give credit cards to anyone who'll sign up for them, almost entirely regardless of their annual salary.

"We feel this is utterly embarrassing," said Citibank president John Falker amongst the company of lots of puppies and kittens. "We try to give credit cards to children to teach them the value of a dollar, not to make them think they can have now what they can't even afford later."

Consumer advocacy groups for years have been saying the credit card companies have been giving these cards to anyone who'll take them. They'll also take those people to the cleaners. "They don't care if they destroy someone's life," said Carla Edwards of the National Advocacy Group Against Giving Credit Cards to Just Anybody (NAGAGCCJA). "They'll swoon anyone over introductory rates and free balance transfers, but then the rates are jacked up and they trap young people."

But not all people are against the credit card company behavior. John Ellis of the National Advocacy Group for Parents Being Responsible For Everything and Anything Their Kid Does (NAGPBRFEATKD), says that parents are repsonsible for everything and anything their kids do. "Parents are responsible for everything and anything their kids do," said John Ellis. "If they want their 5 years not to abuse their credit cards, then maybe they should teach their 5 year old proper fiscal restraint."

The Senate will investigate the issue, bringing in the heads of credit card companies to ask them questions that they don't really need to ask, while the credit card company heads' lawyers will tell them to only talk in completely vague and meaningless banter. Senator Norm Coleman has noted that benefits have already been seen. "Citibank has announced they will no longer raise your interest rates if you paid your electric bill one day late. This is progress and thanks to me... a temporarily populist campaign supporter during my re-election cycle."

Mega Millions Jackpot Won By Two People, Who Aren't You
Topic: Humor
Columbus, OH - AP -- Winning tickets were sold at places this week that you didn't go to, according to lottery officials. There is a possibility that more winners could exist in California, though chances are you aren't one of them, but that information won't be known until later in the morning due to heavy ticket sales. As of now, two lucky tickets were purchased in Cape May county in New Jersey and some town you've never heard of in Georgia. The names of these people, of which you do not know, have yet to be released.

The $370 million jackpot was the largest to date, breaking the $365 million record jackpot last year, another lottery you failed to win. If taken in a lump sum payment these two individuals will see around $65 to $80 million, while you'll continue to have to commute 60 minutes each way to work in your piece of shit car listening to "Bob and Dave in the Morning" prattle on incessantly about Brittney Spears until blood starts coming out of your ears... again.

Ohio saw difficulties selling tickets late last night as the computer system broke down, keeping other people, like you, from buying losing tickets. Ohio officials were quoted as being very "sorry" that you couldn't lose your money because of the malfunction who's cause is yet to be known.

Nearly 150 million losing Mega Millions tickets were sold, to people like you, in California, Georgia, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Texas, Virginia and Washington state for this particular jackpot. Loser!

Is Your Fifth Grader Smarter than an Adult?

I think FOX dropped the ball on their "Are you smarter than a fifth grader" game show. 

This idea, I feel is much better (though not really possible, at least in original form)...

Is Your Fifth Grader Smarter than an Adult
Hosted by Sam Kinison

Sam: So, what is your name...
Kathy: Kathy.
Sam: And you're in fifth grade?
Kathy: Ye...
Sam: Whatever... you know the rules, let's play.
Kathy: I'll take question number 5
Sam: Number 5... real smart kid. What is the standard deduction for an individual filing their taxes with a 1040EZ form?
Kathy: Ah...
Sam: Come on... this is easy...
Kathy: I don...
Sam: You don't know?! You don't know what the standard deduction for an individual filing their 1040EZ form....
Kathy: ....
Sam: What are you, retarded?
Kathy: I don't know...
Sam: You don't know if you're retarded?!
Kathy: No.
Sam: Then why can't you answer this easy fucking question?
Kathy: {starting to tear up} I...
Sam: My fucking dog knows the answer to this question. You must be dumber than my god damn fucking dog.
Kathy: {full blown tears}
Sam: What a cry baby. Get the fuck off this stage!
Kathy: {runs off stage in parent's arms}
Sam: {new contestant walks to stage} So your name is Harry... hope you aren't as retarded as her...

Tabloid Media Mourns Loss of Smith
Topic: Humor
"At the age of 39," said tabloid editor Carl Likens with tears welling up in his eyes, "she dies too soon. She had so much more material to offer us."

Anna Nicole Smith, globally famous for her role in Naked Gun 33-1/3, was found unresponsive in her hotel room Thursday afternoon. They pronounced her dead when it was determined she wasn't alive. The news shocked a not as easily shocked public regarding Anna Nicole Smith who managed to be involved in 149 different lawsuits since her appearance in the Naked Gun film, which made her a target for evil lawyers. Even one of her cases went up to the US Supreme Court.

But now, that she is dead, the tabloid media is mourning the loss. "We figured we had at least 34 more cover stories... that'd lasted us maybe four years alone. There would have been the baby story, weight gain, weight loss, weight gain, weight disappearance, maybe a few more divorces. But all that potential... it's all gone," said Kim Wilburly who then bursted into tears. "She had so much more to give this world."

The baby Wilburly referred to has mystery parents. Doctors and lawyers are kinda sure the baby was brought to term in Anna Nicole Smith. But the father remains a mystery. Luckily, the baby is due to inherit a large fusion of cash, so alleged fathers will be pouring from the sky to claim her.

Simon & Schuster report bleak sales of Braille on Audio Tape
Topic: Humor

Simon & Schuster announced that their sales of their newest language audio tapes, braille, have sold terribly, amassing a total of 20 sets sold in the United States after it's first three months since being released.

This has been the worse showing for Simon & Schuster in the educational book sector since they released Sign Language on Audio Tape back in 1998.

Not Yet Elected John Williams (R) Kansas announces plan for 2016 Presidential Run
Topic: Humor
Not Yet Congressman Elect - John Williams (R) Kansas announced his plans for a 2016 Presidential bid today among a press corp at his job at General Manager of a factory in Topeka, Kansas. John Williams said he plans to run for Congress in 2010, serve 4 years, when he'll begin his momentum for a Presidential bid on the Republican ticket.

Not Yet Congressman Elect John Williams now joins a slowly growing group of people seeking the 2016 nomination of their party. Among him are two also yet to be elected Senators, a current Cabinet member of the Bush Administration and a currently recovering alcoholic son of a powerful Washington lobbyist.

Williams noted that he'd run a strong campaign based on moral values, abortion and any other thing that riles his base up. When asked whether he'd also run for re-election for his Congressional seat while seeking the Presidency, Williams said "It was too early to tell."

Iraq's Oldest Known Citizen Dies at 59
Topic: Humor
The "Grandfather of Iraq" died yesterday in a nursing home in the Anbar Province. He died from injuries related to a suicide bomber attack he was victim of while out buying a puppy for his granddaughter. Ahmed Amini was known nationwide as the oldest person to be alive in Iraq, perhaps the only man to have lived long enough to see a third generation born into the family. He is survived by a son and daughter and 3 grandchildren.

He is survived by Nahil Gerrah of Basra, who is believed to now be the oldest person in Ira.... wait... not anymore. Car bomb. Now it is believed that Humi Vaty of Kurdistan is the oldest citizen in Iraq, at the age of 53.

Ford Announces New Plan to Cut Losses
Topic: Humor
Ford announced a plan to help cut it's losses in the short term today.  Ford said it lost about $12.7 billion in 2006.  That comes out to about $34 million a day.

So in order to help reduce the losses, Ford has announced that in 2007 and 2008 it won't try to build any cars or trucks.  "We figure, we'll save money by not trying to make a profit," said Ford's new CEO Mulally.

According to Dean Witter, this may actually pay off.  "Ford is burning over $1 million an hour in losses when they try to build stuff and sell at a profit.  If Ford merely shuts down production, they'll save lots of money in material and shipping costs," said Allan Tummey, analyst at Dean Witter.  

The analysis indicates that if Ford stops trying to make money by making and selling stuff, they'll only lose $5 billion over the next two years. 

Bush Unveils New Iraq Policy - (Don't Ask, Don't Tell)
Bush in a press conference yesterday, announced the new White House strategy in Iraq. "We will initiate a 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy for Iraq," said President Bush. "It is our plan to reduce reporting of the negative things in Iraq and as long no one asks what is going on in Iraq, there will be no need to report it." The 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' policy has already seen some positive signs as no reports of bombings, death, beheadings or kidnappings were reported in the press today.

Even God Was Sick With The Patriots - Makes Caldwell Drop Passes
It is being reported that the Lord of universe, Jesus Christ, was pissed off at the Patriots winning all the playoff games they were playing. In order to put the Patriots, "back in their place", Jesus made sure that Caldwell dropped two wide open passes (one for a certain touchdown), and hardened the heart of an official so that he wouldn't call pass interference on a throw in the end zone where the Colts defender was clearly in contact with the receiver before the ball came.

Indianapolis head coach, Tony Dungy, was happy with the game result and thanked God for it. "I want to thank God for helping us win. He really came through on those passes to Caldwell. And God really made the running game for the Patriots useless after the first quarter. And God also helped put the final nail in the coffin by making Tom Brady throw that interception at the end of the game. Hopefully with God's help, Grossman will fumble the ball a lot and we can win the Super Bowl."

Frigid Temperatures Doom Alaskan Orange Crop for 23rd Straight Season
Topic: Humor
“It’s ruined!” cried Alaskan orange farmer Dale Watson. “I can’t believe this… I really thought this year would be the one.” In what Alaskan officials are deeming as the worst disaster to hit the Alaskan Orange crop since last winter, it is believed that 100% of all the orange crops in Alaska, from Fairbanks to Juneau are a complete loss. Temperatures zoomed down into the negative digits for only the 23rd time in Barrow this season, which left the orange crops in utter tatters.

Juneau, which wasn’t as bashed by the winter as northern Alaska, still hasn’t managed to get out from under the freezing mark for two weeks, which would spell disaster for the orange farmers there as well. This is the worst crop disaster in Alaskan history since last winter, when the cold weather destroyed crops all over the state. It’s also the 23rd straight year, since orange groves spread across the state for the first time, that the orange crops have failed to yield a single piece of fruit.

The governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin announced that she would seek federal aid to help compensate the orange grove owners, which haven’t seen a dime made since they first opened. US Senator Ted Stevens was also working pen legislation to help free the orange grove workers of liability regarding the work safety conditions on the groves. It has been estimated that over 100 people, mostly illegal immigrants from Central America, have died from “accidents” while tending to the crops above the artic circle. “We mustn’t let these details affect our ability to help those in need and those people in need are these poor orange grove farmers in Alaska,” said Senator Stevens in a press conference earlier today in the nation’s capital.

Democrats Release Alternative Plan on Iraq
Topic: Humor
The Democratic Party, in front of a caravan of journalists, came together in order to release their "alternative" plan for the depressing military effort going on in Iraq. The Democrats listed a 25 point plan that they said was critical in regaining a Mission Accomplished status in Iraq. The first three points of that plan included the resignations of George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Condolezza Rice.

"With the first three points accomplished, we can start anew in Iraq," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. "Success in Iraq is virtually impossible with these incompetent boobs still in power."

"How in the fucking world do Americans think that the same Administration that got us in this mess can actually maneuver us out of it?" said possible Presidential hopeful Barrack Obama. "That's just fucking stupid."

The remaining points for Iraq included no surge of troops in Iraq, which the Democrats deemed as potentially dangerous to the Army. "In order to maintain a workable military, we mustn't act carelessly with the deployment of troops in a desperate manner" stated the 189 page report released by the Democrats.

The Democrats also suggested bolstering the training of Iraqi civil services, troops and police. "An Iraqi government will only be able to stand on itself, if it can offer the needs of the people, including water and electricity. If these services aren't available, the issue of employment becomes irrelevant."

A more controversial 30 point plan was suggested by Cleveland Democrat Presidential candidate, though hardly a hopeful, Dennis Kucinich that included locking the Republican party in a closet for about 20 years. This idea was rejected by party leader Howard Dean as being difficult to properly enact and possibly even unconstitutional.
President George W. Bush mocked the Democrat plan as foolish and not addressing the important issues that the War in Iraq stand for, such as the "War on Terror", "Nuclear bomb" and "the threat of WMDs". Bush quickly ended his press conference mentioning on an aside that he needed to get back to work on his military plans for Iran.

God tells Robertson to shut the fuck up - Robertson
Topic: Humor
Pat Robertson, former head of the Christian Coalition or more notably, "that old guy" on The 700 Club said God had spoken to him recently.

"He told me to quote, shut your fucking mouth, end quote. He seemed pretty dead on about it." In the past few years, Robertson had claimed that God told him of a tsunami that would hit the US (it rained heavy in New England that year) or a Bush landslide victory (John Kerry amassed the second highest vote total in election history). Being so far off base, God contacted Robertson so he could tell the aging evangelist to 'stop talking under his name' and to just in general 'fucking disappear'.

God could not be reached for comment.

11,000,000 bottles of acetaminophen recalled
Topic: General

The following is part AP News story as linked and part commentary on the drug acetaminophen.  This isn't a humor submission.

AP News Link

Plush Stuffed Hippo (I) refuses to concede House race
Topic: Humor
Des Moines, IA -- Despite being down by a margin of 3 to 1, the plushed stuffed hippopotamus has yet to concede the Iowa Congress house race. Dan Bartlett (R), his main opponent where the Democrats didn't run against the incumbant was growing more livid as nearly 24 hours passed since the polls closed yesterday. "I don't understand what he thinks he'll get from it. It's probably just a publicity stunt," said the two termer congressman.

In what was a relatively quiet campaign between the two, the plush stuffed hippo was criticized by his opponent and the media for standing Bartlett up at the two scheduled debates, by not showing up. The media cited this and an apparent lack of campaigning all together was what weakened the stuffed animals chance of winning the election. "Without proper exposure," said Tom Wilkins a professor at Iowa State, "it becomes harder to win the key moderate swing voters. No name recognition always leads to fewer votes."

Despite this, the stuffed hippo did manage to get about 25% of the vote, doing its best in rural Iowa, where voters noted that the hippo was clean and had outstanding character, unlike most politicians. "He's quiet... I like that," said Mary Helmsworth, a bus driver from rural Iowa.

Regardless, it is unusual for a candidate to wait so long before conceding, especially when all major news outlets immediately projected that the hippos opponent had won. "He can stay silent all he wants. If my opponent wants to be this way, I'm still the winner and I need to move on."