Homeland Security Advisory System Jammed
Topic: Humor

WASHINGTON DC -- During a typical maintenance routine in the Pentagon, inspectors discovered that the Homeland Security Advisory System (HSAS) was jammed.   The HSAS, which measures the threat of terror to the US, was inspected over the weekend and they noticed that oil was leaking in the back of the machine. 

                       

Upon further inspection a popsicle stick was found jammed in a cog that was prohibiting the system from changing its current status.  When inspectors removed the popsicle stick and reset the HSAS, they were shocked to see it down to Blue or otherwise known as “Guarded” status. 

 

The Pentagon immediately offered a written response to the press regarding the HSAS mishap.  “Even though the new status of the Homeland Security Advisory System is lower, we still want people to keep a watch out for foreigners with dynamite strapped to their chests.  If you see something like that, contact an emergency official, don’t just continue on your day.”

 

It is unknown when the machine became jammed.  The last time the machine changed was when it went from Orange or “High” down to Yellow or “Elevated” shortly before the 2004 election.  Nothing happened.  It is being suggested that the earlier increases and decreases in the HSAS may have been due to the mechanical problem in the machine in the first place.  “We really never had too much ‘intelligence’ to go on when these raises were made.  The machine popped up to ‘Orange’ so we just rolled with it, despite any credible evidence of any actual threat,” said former Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge back on May 10, 2005. 

 

In addition to the overall rating dropping, the threat to airliners dropped to “Yellow” in the HSAS system.  It is also currently unknown, and may not even be determinable, as to when the two terror levels dropped to Blue and Yellow.  

Shades of Racism in Vick Investigation
Topic: Humor
 

Vick Says He Did It For The Love, Not the Money
Topic: Humor
RICHMOND, Va. - Michael Vick filed his plea agreement in federal court Friday. In it he admitted to being the person who funded the dog fighting ring and involved with the killing of some underperforming animals. But Vick tried to make it as clear as he could, he never gambled in the "Bad Newz Kennels" fights. He bankrolled the entire system and was part of the killing of pit bulls because it was something he loved to do and had nothing to do with gambling.

Vick says he got the idea of drowning the underperforming dogs from his team, the Atlanta Falcons, when the coach drowned an underperforming wide receiver to death. "I never took a dime," pleaded Vick in the court documents. "It was all about my love of killing and torturing dogs, not the money."

The NFL said it is currently underway on their own investigation to deem whether Vick's confession will warrant a suspension. "We are so pleased that he was telling the NFL the truth, that he never gambled on the dog fights. Gambling is a vice we want to keep off the field," said an NFL representative.

New John Hopkins Study Proves Yo Momma So Fat...
Topic: Humor
AP - Bethesda, Maryland -- A case study just completed at John Hopkins University has concluded that yo momma so fat my dog bit her and died of cholesterol poisoning. The five year case study was first started when study author, William Ying heard rumors that yo momma’s so fat she entered a fat contest and won first, second and third. "When I heard of humors about that, I knew I really wanted to do a case study to find out just how fat yo momma is."

The implications of this discovery has gotten the attention of some politicians. "If this study is correct," started Dennis Hastert (R), "then that could mean if she weighed five more pounds, she could get group insurance. This would become a difficult national health care hurdle to account for! If she was covered with Medicare, the costs could be detrimental to the nation."

Even Bush Administration's Secretary of the Treasury was alarmed by the study. "This could mean if she's so fat, that if she sat on a dollar bill and turned it into 4 quarters. This could lead to security problems regarding the following of currency," said Secretary Paulson.

Congress to Investigate Credit Card Companies
Topic: Humor
Washington DC - AP -- The Senate has announced plans to investigate whether receiving 7 to 10 credit card applications a week, 30% interest rate charges and outrageous account management fees are questionable.

"I'm up for re-election and I need a very popular and public position to take," started Minnesota Senator Norm Coleman. "...so I'm for investigating whether 30% interest rates on credit cards are kosher."

The other Senator taking the lead is Michigan Senator, Carl Levin. "We need to investigate whether it is predatory to send the average household up to 5 to 10 credit card applications a week."

The nation was shocked when it learned that Credit Card companies send a barrage of credit card applications to every person in the country, including 10 year olds and people who've been dead for 15 years. The nation was also surprised to learn that credit card companies will give credit cards to anyone who'll sign up for them, almost entirely regardless of their annual salary.

"We feel this is utterly embarrassing," said Citibank president John Falker amongst the company of lots of puppies and kittens. "We try to give credit cards to children to teach them the value of a dollar, not to make them think they can have now what they can't even afford later."

Consumer advocacy groups for years have been saying the credit card companies have been giving these cards to anyone who'll take them. They'll also take those people to the cleaners. "They don't care if they destroy someone's life," said Carla Edwards of the National Advocacy Group Against Giving Credit Cards to Just Anybody (NAGAGCCJA). "They'll swoon anyone over introductory rates and free balance transfers, but then the rates are jacked up and they trap young people."

But not all people are against the credit card company behavior. John Ellis of the National Advocacy Group for Parents Being Responsible For Everything and Anything Their Kid Does (NAGPBRFEATKD), says that parents are repsonsible for everything and anything their kids do. "Parents are responsible for everything and anything their kids do," said John Ellis. "If they want their 5 years not to abuse their credit cards, then maybe they should teach their 5 year old proper fiscal restraint."

The Senate will investigate the issue, bringing in the heads of credit card companies to ask them questions that they don't really need to ask, while the credit card company heads' lawyers will tell them to only talk in completely vague and meaningless banter. Senator Norm Coleman has noted that benefits have already been seen. "Citibank has announced they will no longer raise your interest rates if you paid your electric bill one day late. This is progress and thanks to me... a temporarily populist campaign supporter during my re-election cycle."

Mega Millions Jackpot Won By Two People, Who Aren't You
Topic: Humor
Columbus, OH - AP -- Winning tickets were sold at places this week that you didn't go to, according to lottery officials. There is a possibility that more winners could exist in California, though chances are you aren't one of them, but that information won't be known until later in the morning due to heavy ticket sales. As of now, two lucky tickets were purchased in Cape May county in New Jersey and some town you've never heard of in Georgia. The names of these people, of which you do not know, have yet to be released.

The $370 million jackpot was the largest to date, breaking the $365 million record jackpot last year, another lottery you failed to win. If taken in a lump sum payment these two individuals will see around $65 to $80 million, while you'll continue to have to commute 60 minutes each way to work in your piece of shit car listening to "Bob and Dave in the Morning" prattle on incessantly about Brittney Spears until blood starts coming out of your ears... again.

Ohio saw difficulties selling tickets late last night as the computer system broke down, keeping other people, like you, from buying losing tickets. Ohio officials were quoted as being very "sorry" that you couldn't lose your money because of the malfunction who's cause is yet to be known.

Nearly 150 million losing Mega Millions tickets were sold, to people like you, in California, Georgia, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Texas, Virginia and Washington state for this particular jackpot. Loser!

Tabloid Media Mourns Loss of Smith
Topic: Humor
"At the age of 39," said tabloid editor Carl Likens with tears welling up in his eyes, "she dies too soon. She had so much more material to offer us."

Anna Nicole Smith, globally famous for her role in Naked Gun 33-1/3, was found unresponsive in her hotel room Thursday afternoon. They pronounced her dead when it was determined she wasn't alive. The news shocked a not as easily shocked public regarding Anna Nicole Smith who managed to be involved in 149 different lawsuits since her appearance in the Naked Gun film, which made her a target for evil lawyers. Even one of her cases went up to the US Supreme Court.

But now, that she is dead, the tabloid media is mourning the loss. "We figured we had at least 34 more cover stories... that'd lasted us maybe four years alone. There would have been the baby story, weight gain, weight loss, weight gain, weight disappearance, maybe a few more divorces. But all that potential... it's all gone," said Kim Wilburly who then bursted into tears. "She had so much more to give this world."

The baby Wilburly referred to has mystery parents. Doctors and lawyers are kinda sure the baby was brought to term in Anna Nicole Smith. But the father remains a mystery. Luckily, the baby is due to inherit a large fusion of cash, so alleged fathers will be pouring from the sky to claim her.

Simon & Schuster report bleak sales of Braille on Audio Tape
Topic: Humor

Simon & Schuster announced that their sales of their newest language audio tapes, braille, have sold terribly, amassing a total of 20 sets sold in the United States after it's first three months since being released.

This has been the worse showing for Simon & Schuster in the educational book sector since they released Sign Language on Audio Tape back in 1998.

Not Yet Elected John Williams (R) Kansas announces plan for 2016 Presidential Run
Topic: Humor
Not Yet Congressman Elect - John Williams (R) Kansas announced his plans for a 2016 Presidential bid today among a press corp at his job at General Manager of a factory in Topeka, Kansas. John Williams said he plans to run for Congress in 2010, serve 4 years, when he'll begin his momentum for a Presidential bid on the Republican ticket.

Not Yet Congressman Elect John Williams now joins a slowly growing group of people seeking the 2016 nomination of their party. Among him are two also yet to be elected Senators, a current Cabinet member of the Bush Administration and a currently recovering alcoholic son of a powerful Washington lobbyist.

Williams noted that he'd run a strong campaign based on moral values, abortion and any other thing that riles his base up. When asked whether he'd also run for re-election for his Congressional seat while seeking the Presidency, Williams said "It was too early to tell."

Iraq's Oldest Known Citizen Dies at 59
Topic: Humor
The "Grandfather of Iraq" died yesterday in a nursing home in the Anbar Province. He died from injuries related to a suicide bomber attack he was victim of while out buying a puppy for his granddaughter. Ahmed Amini was known nationwide as the oldest person to be alive in Iraq, perhaps the only man to have lived long enough to see a third generation born into the family. He is survived by a son and daughter and 3 grandchildren.

He is survived by Nahil Gerrah of Basra, who is believed to now be the oldest person in Ira.... wait... not anymore. Car bomb. Now it is believed that Humi Vaty of Kurdistan is the oldest citizen in Iraq, at the age of 53.

Ford Announces New Plan to Cut Losses
Topic: Humor
Ford announced a plan to help cut it's losses in the short term today.  Ford said it lost about $12.7 billion in 2006.  That comes out to about $34 million a day.

So in order to help reduce the losses, Ford has announced that in 2007 and 2008 it won't try to build any cars or trucks.  "We figure, we'll save money by not trying to make a profit," said Ford's new CEO Mulally.

According to Dean Witter, this may actually pay off.  "Ford is burning over $1 million an hour in losses when they try to build stuff and sell at a profit.  If Ford merely shuts down production, they'll save lots of money in material and shipping costs," said Allan Tummey, analyst at Dean Witter.  

The analysis indicates that if Ford stops trying to make money by making and selling stuff, they'll only lose $5 billion over the next two years. 

Frigid Temperatures Doom Alaskan Orange Crop for 23rd Straight Season
Topic: Humor
“It’s ruined!” cried Alaskan orange farmer Dale Watson. “I can’t believe this… I really thought this year would be the one.” In what Alaskan officials are deeming as the worst disaster to hit the Alaskan Orange crop since last winter, it is believed that 100% of all the orange crops in Alaska, from Fairbanks to Juneau are a complete loss. Temperatures zoomed down into the negative digits for only the 23rd time in Barrow this season, which left the orange crops in utter tatters.

Juneau, which wasn’t as bashed by the winter as northern Alaska, still hasn’t managed to get out from under the freezing mark for two weeks, which would spell disaster for the orange farmers there as well. This is the worst crop disaster in Alaskan history since last winter, when the cold weather destroyed crops all over the state. It’s also the 23rd straight year, since orange groves spread across the state for the first time, that the orange crops have failed to yield a single piece of fruit.

The governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin announced that she would seek federal aid to help compensate the orange grove owners, which haven’t seen a dime made since they first opened. US Senator Ted Stevens was also working pen legislation to help free the orange grove workers of liability regarding the work safety conditions on the groves. It has been estimated that over 100 people, mostly illegal immigrants from Central America, have died from “accidents” while tending to the crops above the artic circle. “We mustn’t let these details affect our ability to help those in need and those people in need are these poor orange grove farmers in Alaska,” said Senator Stevens in a press conference earlier today in the nation’s capital.

Democrats Release Alternative Plan on Iraq
Topic: Humor
The Democratic Party, in front of a caravan of journalists, came together in order to release their "alternative" plan for the depressing military effort going on in Iraq. The Democrats listed a 25 point plan that they said was critical in regaining a Mission Accomplished status in Iraq. The first three points of that plan included the resignations of George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Condolezza Rice.

"With the first three points accomplished, we can start anew in Iraq," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. "Success in Iraq is virtually impossible with these incompetent boobs still in power."

"How in the fucking world do Americans think that the same Administration that got us in this mess can actually maneuver us out of it?" said possible Presidential hopeful Barrack Obama. "That's just fucking stupid."

The remaining points for Iraq included no surge of troops in Iraq, which the Democrats deemed as potentially dangerous to the Army. "In order to maintain a workable military, we mustn't act carelessly with the deployment of troops in a desperate manner" stated the 189 page report released by the Democrats.

The Democrats also suggested bolstering the training of Iraqi civil services, troops and police. "An Iraqi government will only be able to stand on itself, if it can offer the needs of the people, including water and electricity. If these services aren't available, the issue of employment becomes irrelevant."

A more controversial 30 point plan was suggested by Cleveland Democrat Presidential candidate, though hardly a hopeful, Dennis Kucinich that included locking the Republican party in a closet for about 20 years. This idea was rejected by party leader Howard Dean as being difficult to properly enact and possibly even unconstitutional.
President George W. Bush mocked the Democrat plan as foolish and not addressing the important issues that the War in Iraq stand for, such as the "War on Terror", "Nuclear bomb" and "the threat of WMDs". Bush quickly ended his press conference mentioning on an aside that he needed to get back to work on his military plans for Iran.

God tells Robertson to shut the fuck up - Robertson
Topic: Humor
Pat Robertson, former head of the Christian Coalition or more notably, "that old guy" on The 700 Club said God had spoken to him recently.

"He told me to quote, shut your fucking mouth, end quote. He seemed pretty dead on about it." In the past few years, Robertson had claimed that God told him of a tsunami that would hit the US (it rained heavy in New England that year) or a Bush landslide victory (John Kerry amassed the second highest vote total in election history). Being so far off base, God contacted Robertson so he could tell the aging evangelist to 'stop talking under his name' and to just in general 'fucking disappear'.

God could not be reached for comment.

Plush Stuffed Hippo (I) refuses to concede House race
Topic: Humor
Des Moines, IA -- Despite being down by a margin of 3 to 1, the plushed stuffed hippopotamus has yet to concede the Iowa Congress house race. Dan Bartlett (R), his main opponent where the Democrats didn't run against the incumbant was growing more livid as nearly 24 hours passed since the polls closed yesterday. "I don't understand what he thinks he'll get from it. It's probably just a publicity stunt," said the two termer congressman.

In what was a relatively quiet campaign between the two, the plush stuffed hippo was criticized by his opponent and the media for standing Bartlett up at the two scheduled debates, by not showing up. The media cited this and an apparent lack of campaigning all together was what weakened the stuffed animals chance of winning the election. "Without proper exposure," said Tom Wilkins a professor at Iowa State, "it becomes harder to win the key moderate swing voters. No name recognition always leads to fewer votes."

Despite this, the stuffed hippo did manage to get about 25% of the vote, doing its best in rural Iowa, where voters noted that the hippo was clean and had outstanding character, unlike most politicians. "He's quiet... I like that," said Mary Helmsworth, a bus driver from rural Iowa.

Regardless, it is unusual for a candidate to wait so long before conceding, especially when all major news outlets immediately projected that the hippos opponent had won. "He can stay silent all he wants. If my opponent wants to be this way, I'm still the winner and I need to move on."

KFC Announces Removal of Donkey Manure from Most of their Food
Topic: Humor
Frankfort, KY -- KFC announced this morning it would replace donkey manure as one of its ingredients from its entire line of food products including fried chicken, potato wedges and cheese cake. Gregg Dedrick, company President, announced that instead of using donkey manure, KFC would use ingredients deemed more ‘wholesome.’ The President of the company noted that taste was not going to be compromised with their products. “We are proud of our product and will move forward with a more natural product line without compromising the quality taste of our food.” Dedrick did inform that a couple products would still use donkey manure, such as the Oreo Pie, until appropriate options could be tested for taste approval.

KFC’s decision to switch donkey manure out of its ingredient list came on the heels of what is anticipated to be a complete revamping of the food code in New York City. The plan is being called the “Less poison in our food” Plan. For years, KFC has been secretly using donkey manure as part of their secret recipe that has been used for everything they sell such as popcorn chicken and Pepsi products. But with recent public perceptions of manure and other off-key ingredients dropping in favor, restaurants have been acting quickly to appease their customer base which generates billions of dollars a year in revenues throughout the fast food industry.

KFC is not the only company that will be altering the ingredients in their products. Long John Silver announced last week that it would stop using mercury laden products in their “Hushpuppies” while Arbys announced last month it would stop using dismembered humans in their entire sandwich line. McDonalds had announced it planned to stop using rendered employee meat in their products in early 2006, however, they have yet to have completed the switch from rendered elderly humans to “some other” meat source.

Americans Continue to Fuck as Population Reaches 300,000,000
Topic: Humor

Boise, ID -- The American population continued to fuck as the nation's total population rose above 300,000,000 for the first time ever. It was estimated that the three hundred millioneth baby that was born, due to a pair of Americans fucking back in late January, in Boise, Idaho.

Decades ago, scientists warned that if Americans didn't limit their fucking, a overpopulation would be upon us any time now. Apparently the scientists were wrong. "It appears that America has plenty more room for fuckers," said Wisconsin professor John Wendel who recently released a paper titled "American Population Growth and the Fuckers Behind It." In the paper, Dr. Wendel concluded that America still had room for Americans to fuck the nation up with children to 350 or even 400 million before noticable strain was ever noted on America's resources.

Not all people were pleased with the 300 million mark. People such as Pat Buchanan weren't happy that the population growth was attributed to the 'proper' causes. "This growth isn't because of Americans fucking. Our growth is disproportional because of illegal immigration. These illegal immigrants fuck and then their children go to our schools, fuck and have more illegal immigrants in high school. It's a fucking distaster!"

Bush insists on staying course for treatment of his mother
Topic: Humor

KENNYBUNKPORT, ME -  Despite the apparent failure of the current treatment regimen for former First Lady Barbara Bush, the President (her son), insists on staying the course and continuing the regimen. 

“I think it sends the wrong message to my mother if we change how we are treating her.  It would… give… gave… give the impression that what we did before was wrong.  I don’t want to upset her,” said President Bush in a press conference at Our Lady of the Accidental Miracle Hospital in Portland, Oregon.  Bush had accidentally sent her to the wrong Portland, but didn’t want to alarm his mother by switching the transfer to Portland, Maine though

The former First Lady suffered what first appeared to be a serious seizure on Thursday morning.  The President immediately had her go to the hospital in Oregon.  The initial treatment, didn’t seam to stabilize the former First Lady.  She still required a ventilator to breath and was showing no signs of consciousness.  The doctors requested that a CAT scan be performed to see whether a stroke had actually occurred, but the President insisted on “staying the course” with the current treatment regimen.   

When asked at the press conference about how his father felt about the treatment, Bush answered that he still answered to “a higher father” and respectfully disagreed with the former President’s opinion.  “I think he has the best interests in his mind, but I honestly believe he is mistaken about how to treat this situation,” said the current President Bush. 

The President also joked that he was glad Medicare was still solvent so his mother could get treatment.  “I know today, Medicare is solvent enough to pay for her care, but I want to make sure that we can streamline Medicare so it doesn’t cost as much to run later on.  Good thing she’s hear now (laughter).”

Nation Stunned At Latest National Disclosure
Topic: Humor
Phoenix, AZ -- America finally had some good news for a change when economically feasible oil was found in an area of the Gulf of Mexico. While supply wouldn’t become available for a while, the discovery will allow America a little breathing room as their need for oil continues to grow. The discovery of oil in the Gulf, however, paled in comparison to the additional discovery made in conjunction with that of the oil.

“Jon Kyl has said that the best way to decrease our reliance on foreign oil is to increase our domestic supply, which is why Kyl voted to allow access to significant reserves like this one in the Gulf of Mexico," stated campaign manager of John Kyl.

The United States was stunned when it learned that there was another Senator from Arizona… and apparently was running for re-election as well. Most Americans had assumed Arizona only had one senator, John McCain, but the above quote clearly would indicate that Arizona actually has two senators.

Washington Analysts were stunned, “We always knew that two votes were coming from Arizona, we just figured John McCain was voting twice,” said longtime DC think-tank analyst Cal Ripper. “This changes a lot of things. Now that we know Arizona has two senators, we’ll try to watch this other guy as well.”

Americans on the whole hadn’t a clue. “I never knew that Arizona had a second senator,” said Ohio native John Sturegon. “I ain’t never heard of that.”

Others had suspected it could be true, but were mostly agnostic on the subject. “All the other states had two senators,” said Taylor Mind of Baton Rouge Louisiana. “I guess it makes sense, but I’m still skeptical.”

The state of Arizona could not be reached for comment.

Six Years after the Election, US still not safe: Bush
Topic: Humor
WASHINGTON – Nearly six years after the election of the Republican candidate in 2000, the US “is not safe yet” from its leadership, the White House said today.

A “national strategy for combating poor leadership” came as the sixth anniversary of the election of George W Bush comes in the next couple of months. Citing cost overruns, poorly waged invasions, inadequate public school reform, tax shortfalls, climbing deficit spending, dismantling of NASA’s successful programs, weakening of EPA’s standards, inadequacy of AIDS prevention policies in Africa, devastating environmental proposals, failure to modify and shore up Social Security, failure to capture Osama bin Laden, poorly predicted cost of Medicare Prescription reform, failure to create any change in border policies, poor reaction to Hurricane Katrina disaster, poor public perception to Terri Schiavo case, weak foreign policy, inability to get support from allies, inability to deal successfully against terrorism and war profiteering among other things were listed as “significant deficiencies that make the US not safe yet.”

The study suggests that the US will remain unsafe for approximately 2 more years, though it suggested that America could see improvements sometime this coming January if the electorate acts wisely.