Barstool Sessions II
			     Christmas Special
				Finding Amy







	"DECK THE HALLS IN FLAMING NAPALM!!!  FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!!!"  
The familiar sound of Ben's voice rang through the near-empty tavern.  
Besides the ever-faithful barkeep the only people around were Sheila, 
Lillyanna, and Denis.  The quartet was having a small party to 
celebrate the holidays.
	"LIGHT THE GASES AND WATCH THEM BURN!! FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!!"
A trio of angry glares cut off Ben's joyous singing.  Ben smiled as he 
poured a snifter of brandy.  "What?!" he asked innocently.
	Lillyanna crossed her arms under her breasts.  "You know what.  
That's not how the song goes."
	Ben pouted slightly.  "Hey!  You all KNOW I hate Christmas.  I'm 
just singing my version of the songs."
	Sheila glared at her friend.  "That doesn't matter.  This is 
supposed to be a time of peace and goodwill.  Not you making napalm 
bombs to throw at fake Santa Clauses."
	Ben chuckled nervously as he pushed a small plastic box further 
under the bar with his foot.  "I'm insulted.  I would NEVER throw 
napalm on Santa."  Under his breath he mumbled, "I'd throw it on those 
damn manger scenes.  Santa gets thermite."  He punctuated the evil 
thought with a sadistic grin.
	Denis sighed as he listened to the trio before him.  He knew that 
if something didn't happen soon Ben would be digging a deeper grave for 
himself that he already had.  

	With the practiced ease of a seasoned parent Denis placed a snow 
shovel before the island boy.  "Here."
	Ben looked slightly confused at the object being held out to him.  
"What's this for?  We're not holding a party, what do I need an ice 
bucket shovel for?"
	A look of curiosity crossed Denis' aging face, as if the 
reference seemed to not make sense.  "It's a snow shovel.  I want you 
to go out and clear the way into the bar.  We don't want people to 
think we're closed."
	Ben took the shovel cautiously.  "Dude.  We're in the middle of 
New York.  It's not like there's snow on the ground.  The stuff turns 
to slush..."
	Denis glanced back at his young employee.  A look of 'shut up and 
do as I say' was etched on his features.
	Ben grinned stupidly as he grabbed his duster on his way for the 
door.  "Right boss-man!  Clean the walk!  I'm all over it!"  Ben wasn't 
even out the door before he was done babbling.

	The girls watched as the younger man rushed out of the building.
	Sheila poured a glass of wine and handed it to Lilly.  
"Sometimes, I swear it's hard to believe that he's twenty-seven."
	Lillyanna sipped the wine.  "I know.  There are times I swear he 
can't be more than twelve, and then there are times, like when he's 
helping people, that he seems well beyond his age.  It has to be the 
'Gemini Affect.'"
	Sheila placed the bottle down and picked up a glass of wine.  
"Gemini affect?  What's that?"
	Lillyanna placed her glass on the bar and stared at it for a 
moment.  "In the Wicca community it's said that people are oftentimes 
over ruled by their Zodiac symbols.  Leos an Taurai are often strong 
and confident, while Pieci and Lybai are thinkers.  Well Gemini are the 
most interesting of the Zodiac."
	The brunette woman sipped her wine once more before pushing it 
away slightly.  "Good wine.  I'll have to thank Ben for ordering it.  
Gemini are twins by nature.  Most have personalities that seem like two 
people that are alike and different from each other.  But just like all 
Zodiac there are those individuals that are the total epitome of their symbol.
	"In Gemini it's called the 'Gemini Affect.'  In essence it seems 
like two totally separate people in the same person.  Much like Ben.  
He switches so quickly from the mature, helpful bartender that we know 
and love to a impetuous, youthful, child-like college kid that annoys 
us to no end.  He literally embodies the 'Gemini Affect,' it definitely 
makes for an interesting friend."  Lillyanna sighed as she picked up 
the wineglass.  "I wish my Gemini was that strong."



	Ben cleared the path to McLeary's with a bored expression on his 
face.  The tan that seemingly become a permanent feature of his skin 
pigment had begun to fade over the last few months.  Though his skin 
was still tanned it was no longer the golden-brown it had been when Ben 
had come back from Key West.
	"Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg."  Ben sung the 
old childhood song with the same bored attitude that he had as he 
shoveled the slush from before the door.  It was the day before 
Christmas Eve and it had been snowing all week long, but as with every 
other snowfall in the Big Apple, it didn't stay.  The moment the 
crystallized water hit the pavement it immediately melted into the 
dirty slush-like substance that made driving so dangerous.
	Ben haphazardly slammed the shovel onto the ground.  "I HATE 
Christmas!!  Fucking Christians, and their fucking holidays."  Ben's 
angry outburst caused a few of the people walking the streets to back 
away somewhat frightened of the crazy man with the shovel.
	"Brrrr," Ben's teeth chattered as he closed his heavy leather 
overcoat.  "I HATE New York winters.  Its too FUCKING cold here!"  Ben 
heartily rubbed his arms together in an attempt to warm up.  "Fuck New 
York, Give ME KEY WEST!!!"  Angrily the twenty-seven year old bartender 
pulled the zipper up on his coat, effectively closing himself off from 
the cold, and seated himself on his Harley.  "I'm going home.  It's too 
early for me to be awake.  For the gods' sakes the sun's still up."
	With a loud growling roar the motorcycle spurred to life.  The 
heavy bike's rider spun it to face the front of the alley as he revved 
the engine.  As Ben disappeared into traffic the echo of his words 
could be heard with crystal clarity.  "I'm not even getting paid to be 
up this early!!"




	With a zombie-like attribute in his speech Ben poured a cup of 
steaming black liquid.  To which he added a generous amount of brandy.  
"Cooo-ffeee...gooodd..."
	Sheila watched as the bartender poured the drink.  "It's always 
enjoyable to see you when you first wake up.  You're like a zombie."
	"Caffeine."  Ben tiredly lifted the steaming mug to his lips.  
"MMmmm...goooooddd..."
	Sheila chuckled gingerly as she watched.  "Is this what you look 
like every afternoon when you wake up?"
	Ben dropped his head to the bar.  "No...I spent most of the night 
drinking myself stupid.  I was trying to forget that today was 
Christmas Eve."  Ben rolled his head to the side to look at Sheila.  
"It didn't work very well."
	Sheila rolled her eyes at the snide comment.  "What is it with 
you and the holidays.  Sometimes I swear you're worse than Scrooge."
	Shakily the bartender lifted himself off the bar to glare at the 
waitress.  "Not funny.  I'm better than he was...I take days off now 
and again.  And I don't care about money."  Ben's head fell back to 
bar top with a loud thump.

	Denis leaned over the railing as he looked down from the second 
floor.  "Sheila!  What was that noise?!"  A tender concerned expression 
crossed the comedian's countenance.
	Sheila stepped away from the empty bar so her boss could clearly 
see her.  "Nothing Denis!  Ben's just got a bad hangover!  His head hit 
the bar, that's all!"  Sheila spoke just loud enough to ensure that her 
voice carried and echoed in the empty tavern.
	Denis nodded imperceptibly.  "Alright!" Denis hollered back.  In 
the background the familiar sound of Ben's guttural, deep-throated 
growl could be heard followed up by the familiar, "Stop yelling" in a 
deep Southern accent.





	Ben's hangover had been washed away a few hours later.  Time, 
brandy, and a healthy dose of café au lait and Jolt Cola helped to 
dispense with the familiar pounding at the back of the young man's 
skull.  To pass the time Ben had taken to cleaning an already spotless 
tavern.  His excuse having been if he didn't find something to do soon 
he's loose what little sanity he had left.
	As Ben made his third pass by the jukebox a strange vibration 
could be heard on his belt.	Curiously Ben looked down to find that 
his cell phone was vibrating.  "Shit, who's callin' me today?"  As he 
removed the vibrating object from his hip Ben noticed the readout on 
the screen.
	With a happy grin the bartender answered the vibrating piece of 
black plastic.  "Amy!  Hey girl, what's up?  Uh-huh.  Yeah?  A party, 
tonight?  No can do, I'm working.  Oh don't even act that way, you know 
my jobs means the world to me.  So what if I AM a workaholic, at least 
I enjoy my job.
	"Look, why don't you bring everyone to the bar tonight.  Yeah.  
Of course Denis won't mind, he's always glad to have customers.  The 
last week of December is the slowest week of the year.  We could use 
the business.
	"Uh-huh.  Okay.  10'll be good.  I'll have the place ready for 
ya.  Alright.  See ya then.  Laterz."  With a stupid grin on his face 
Ben hung the phone off his belt.

	"Who was that?"  A female voice drifted down from the staircase.  
Lillyanna was standing on the last step awaiting an answer.  As always 
the fashion designer wore a beautifully tailored outfit that seemed 
made just for her.
	A deep violet blouse with plum ribbons holding the slits in the 
sleeves closed.  Intricate flower/ivy designs ran down seams of her 
navy blue crushed velvet pants ending with the pattern wrapping around 
her ankles.  Lilly's feet were covered with black stockings that 
matched the crescent moon shaped earrings she wore.
	Ben looked over his shoulder at the pair of women.  "What?"  His 
icy-blue eyed gaze turned to the phone on his hip.  "Oh, that."  He 
looked up, his eyes catching with Lillyanna's chocolate brown eyes.  
"That was a friend of mine.  She wanted me to go to a party with her 
tonight, but I talked her into throwing the party here instead."
	Sheila leaned against the bar.  "You sure that's a good idea?  
Denis might not like it much."
	Ben waved his hand in a dismissive manner.  "Nougat.  He'll love 
it.  All that profit.  It he doesn't love me now he will tomorrow when 
he gets tonight's sales slips.  We'll make more tonight than we have 
all week."
	Sheila rolled her eyes.  "Whatever.  Just so long as I can get 
out in time to get some sleep.  Tomorrow's Christmas ya know."
	Ben rolled his eyes as he headed towards the bar.  "Don't remind 
me.  Lil and I already celebrated the Solstice."
	Sheila shook her head.  "Wiccas.  I'll never understand you."




	A man in his mid-thirties exited the subway station.  As he 
reached street level a cold burst of winter wind rushed past, causing 
the slightly obese man to close his heavy green trenchcoat around 
himself.  The cold wind whipped past the man's face once more, causing 
his shoulder-length brown hair to whip about his bearded face.  
Slightly perturbed with the wind, the bearded man pushed the white 
Mooby baseball cap down on his head in an attempt to keep his hair from 
moving too much.
	He'd been making this late night trek to New York more and more 
often over the past few months.  He and his heterosexual life-mate had 
recently taken to hanging out in front of a local bar rather than their 
usual hang out in front of the block of stores.  Of course the 500 yard 
restraining order helped with that.
	Tonight though the heavyweight man was alone.  He'd convinced his 
friend that he had some last minute Christmas shopping to do and he 
wanted to go alone.



	At McLeary's our favorite trio were seated at a table.  A set of 
Tarot cards had been shuffled and dealt out.  Lillyanna sat at the head 
of the table.  Sheila sat across from the Wiccan woman, and Ben was 
seated, with his feet propped up on the back of a chair, to her 
immediate right.
	Lillyanna took a deep breath before she spoke.  "The card 
representing the present situation you're in is the king of cups.  Cups 
represent emotions and the King of Cups rules over emotions, he has 
your heart and he understands you and will not break your heart.
	"The obstacle right now is the Four of Cups.  You like to day 
dream about how good things can be, but you don't always see what is 
right in front of you and how good that is.  Even if you do have some 
failed loves in the past, don't look back.
	"The resent past is the Three of Swords reversed.  Swords 
represent intellectual aspects.  This card portrays a couple split by 
an issue and the Unicorn, their spiritual guidance, walking away.  When 
this card is reversed it is that if you listen to each other you can 
get back together and be stronger.  And that's what you did.
	"Near future is the sun card.  This card is a very happy card 
depicting lovers basking in the sun.  This card tells of lots of happy 
times to come.
	"The basis of this situation is the Ace of Cups reversed.  When 
the Ace of Cups is reversed all the emotions are just pouring out.  
Good and bad.  This is a very emotional subject for you, but like all 
things there's good and bad.  But by surrounding cards I'd say more 
good."  Lillyanna winked at her friend as she took a break to breath.
	"The possible outcome for all this is... the Four of Rods.  This 
is the card of marriage.  look for wedding bells in the future.
	"Going up the right line up next to the cross - internal 
influence, is the Queen of Cups.  Again, a ruler over her emotions. 
symbolizing you.  You are in control of your emotions.  And you know 
what you want, just don't get too worked up over things.  If you get 
overly emotional like the ace of cups you might lose track of what 
really matters.
	"External influence is the Knight of Swords.  I'm going to say 
this is the same man as the King of Cups, he is your knight in shining 
armor.  An intelligent man who sweeps you off your feet.  Your hero."
	
	"Doesn't sound like Chang to me," Ben quipped.  "Boy's taken one 
too many hits to the head."  Ben's remark was rewarded by a slap to the 
chest by Lillyanna.

	Lillyanna continued without missing a beat.  "Hopes and fears 
card is the Devil reversed.  You fear that temptation will pull you and 
you're knight apart.  But don't worry...
	"Your future card is the Lovers, this is the "soul mate" card.  
You two were meant for each other, and you shouldn't worry about 
temptation.
	"This reading is all about your relationship, to sum up.  Things 
are going very well, you may get a proposal soon, don't worry about him 
leaving, you two are meant for each other.
	"Shel I just want you to remember that this isn't perfect.  It 
might not even be totally correct."
	"Yeah.  She could be absolutely wrong."  Ben remarked with thick
sarcasm.  "Its rare to find a Tarot that's 100%.  I wonder what's 
keeping Amy."
	Lillyanna glared at her friend for a moment.  Quickly she made 
sure that Sheila was still paying attention to the cards.
	While Sheila was watching the cards, Lillyanna pushed the legs of 
Ben's chair throwing his balance.  With a resounding THUD the bartender 
was flat on his ass on the floor.  With mock sympathy Lillyanna leaned 
over the table.  "Oh Ben!  You should be more careful.  Don't want you 
getting hurt."  The Wicca woman smirked as she took her seat again.
	Ben rubbed his rear end as he stood up.  "Ouch.  That stung."  
Rubbing his backside Ben made his way behind the counter.  Quickly he 
cobbled together a makeshift ice pack.  "Sometimes I wonder if you two 
are my friends, or if someone from back home hired you to kill me."
	The girls shared a quick smile before giggling.


	The door to McLeary's opened gently allowing a freezing burst of 
cold air into the warm tavern.  The breeze not only supplied the room 
with a freezing draft but also succeeded in throwing the Tarot cards 
around the room in an unrecognizable mess.  In unison the trio 
responded, loudly.  "CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR!!!  IT'S FREEZING OUT 
THERE!!!"  Ben's heavy voice carried itself over the voices of his 
female companions.
	The man standing in the doorway quickly slammed the heavy steel 
door closed behind himself.  With a silent stealth that betrayed his 
being in New York the heavy man slid his arms out of the heavy green 
trenchcoat and shook the snow flurries off of it.  After the snow was 
removed the man then shook the remaining flurries off of his baseball 
cap and from his hair.

	Ben turned his attention to the new arrival.  "The bar's open, 
but not for much...SILENT BOB?!  What the FUCK?!  Out, OUt, OUT!!!"  By 
now Ben's voice was loud enough to be heard over everything in the 
empty tavern.  "Bob!  Take your fucking stoner friend with you and 
LEAVE!  I told you if you two EVER came back I'd have you two 
arrested!"
	Bob raised his hand to stop the screaming bartender.  True to his 
namesake he said nothing as he looked around himself and motioned that 
he had come alone.  In his own mime-like way Bob pointed out that Jay 
had not come with him and that he was hoping to talk with Ben.
	Ben glared at the bearded man for a moment.  He had paid 
attention to the mime as he "spoke".  Though he was not well versed in 
the hand signals of mime Ben succeeded in understanding what Bob was 
"saying" in his own unique way.  "Alright, so you didn't drag your loud 
mouthed friend along.  If you make so much as a single problem I'll 
have you clinked in minutes."


	Sheila tapped Lillyanna rapidly.  "Lilly, are you seeing what I'm 
seeing?"
	Lillyanna nodded in a slight daze.  "If you're seeing two Ben's 
then yeah, so'm I."
	Sheila rubbed her eyes a few times as she looked at both men.  
The Ben she knew and tolerated stood behind the bar; his usually placid 
and calm smile was replaced by smoldering anger.  The new man, Bob, 
seemed almost completely calm and at ease with what was happening.

	Bob lit a cigarette as he made his way to the bar.  As his 
designation stated, Bob made absolutely no noise as he seated himself.  
That changed the second he seated himself.  "Heineken," he ordered in a 
deep, throaty voice.
	Ben dropped his ice pack and jaw as he heard the words.  
"You...you...YOU CAN TALK?!!"
	Brusquely Bob exhaled the smoke.  "Why does it always shock 
people when I talk?"
	Ben stepped back to regain his bearings.  "Fer fuck's sake, yer 
name's SILENT Bob!  Why wouldn't people be shocked when ya talk?!"
	Bob shook his head slightly.  "Just give me a Heineken."
	Without argument the blue eyed bartender uncapped one of the 
green imported bottles and placed it before Bob.  "So, where's your 
sidekick?  Leave him at home to tend to his monkey by himself?"
	Bob looked over the bottle as he raised it to his mouth.  "How'd 
you know about Suzanne?  And she's an orangutan, they're apes."
	With slight confusion Ben lifted an eyebrow at the man before 
him.  "What?  You two have an orangutan living with you?  And people 
think my household habits are weird."  With a stern shake of his head 
the former Key West native turned around and reached for a bottle of 
rum and a large glass.

	Bob drained a good portion of the liquid from the bright green 
bottle before he placed it on the table.  "Holden tells me you helped 
him with his Alyssa problem."
	Ben nodded as he filled a shaker with the clear liquid.  "Sure 
did.  Last I heard he'd put his sordid little tale to paper and pulled 
it off as a comic book.  'Chasing Amy' I think he called it.  I've got 
a copy of it back at my apartment."  As he spoke Ben had begun adding 
different liquors to the shaker.  "Not a bad piece of work, but I don't 
think Contender would pick up a full series for it."
	Bob nodded along while Ben spoke.  "True.  I wasn't a fan of his 
'Bluntman and Chronic' either, but I didn't mind.  I was surprised 
Contender bought it, and even more so when Miramax made it into a 
movie.  Too bad it sucked."
	Ben snickered at the thought of the "Bluntman and Chronic" movie.  
"Gods that was a waste of reel-to-reel.  I can seriously think of 
better things to make a movie of."
	Bob nodded.  "True.  Like 'Daredevil'?"
	A shiver of cold ran down the length of the younger man's spine.  
"That's just wrong.  Ben Affleck has no right to play Ol' Hornhead."
	As he listened to the other man speak, Bob finished off his beer.  
"I have to agree with you.  It'll flop, and maybe people will figure 
out that comics and movies just don't mix well."
	Ben shook his head harshly as he shook the metal container in his 
hands.  "Not likely, remember "Spider-Man 2" is probably gonna keep the 
genre alive for a few more years.  Not to mention "X2" and the "Hulk" 
movie that'll be out soon."
	Bob nodded mildly.  "Mmm.  Forgot about those.  Well I doubt 
they'll do as bad as Episode 1 did."
	Ben grabbed the empty green glass bottle and crushed it, sending 
broken bits of forest green glass onto the floor.  "Don't EVER bring up 
that movie in my presence.  George Lucas shoulda been killed for that 
piece of shit."
	A look of shock and fear appeared on the bearded man's face.  
"Understood."


	Sheila watched the exchange between the "twins" with a 
questioning eye.  From the moment Silent Bob had entered the tavern Ben 
had been on edge.  "Something's wrong here."
	Lillyanna looked up from the cards she had on her table.  "What?  
Damn, have you seen my Tower card?"
	"Here you go."  Sheila held the aforementioned card and a few 
others out to her friend.
	Smiling happily the brunette slipped her Tarot cards back into 
their box.  As she closed the box Lillyanna looked over to Sheila.  
"Now, what were you saying?"
	Running a hand through her flaming orange hair Sheila pointed to 
the two men at the bar.  "Something's not right.  Something about this 
feels different.  This Bob guy is different than the others."
	Lillyanna's gaze quickly fluctuated from Ben to Bob to Sheila.  
"Okay.  Did I miss something?  When did Ben become a telepath, and 
when'd you start picking up empathic signals?!"
	Sheila looked confused.  "What?  What are you talking about?"
	Suddenly Lillyanna felt embarrassed at her outburst.  "You mean 
you don't know?  About Ben's empathy?"
	Sheila shook her head.  The confusion was written obviously on 
her sharply angular face.  "No, I know he keeps mentioning it, and 
you've said something about it before, but I got no idea what the hell 
you two are talking about."
	Lilly mentally kicked herself for her stupidity in assuming 
everyone understood the things she did.  "Ben and I are special.  We're 
empathic.  Which means we FEEL other people's emotions.  The fact that 
we're not dead or vegetables amazes me.  In a city this big and in the 
bar everyday with as many people that cram in here as they do, you'd 
think our brains would overload."
	Sheila nodded in understanding.  "So that's why Ben's always so 
interested in what everyone around him feels."  Sheila slapped her 
forehead, rather painfully.  "Stupid, stupid, stupid.  That bastard.  
That cheating bastard."  With a resounding fury Sheila turned towards 
the bar and began to get out of her chair.
	Lillyanna grabbed her friend's arm and restrained her.  "Hold on 
there, girlfriend.  What are you babbling about?"  With a strong tug, 
Sheila fell back into her chair.  "How is Ben a cheater?!"
	Sheila fumed as she glared at the man behind the bar.  
"He...we...ARGH!"
	Lillyanna shook her head, causing her long brown hair to cascade 
around her shoulders.  "Calm down girl.  Deep breaths."  In an attempt 
to calm her friend Lilly began taking deep, calming breaths hoping 
Sheila would follow her example.  After a minute Sheila followed her 
friend's example.  Lilly smiled as she saw, and felt, the anger escape 
her friend.  "Now, how is Benji a cheater?"
	Sheila smiled and giggled at hearing the proud bartender being 
referred to as a shaggy dog from a bad '70's Disney movie.  Sheila took 
a deep breath and exhaled.  "Every time we play cards.  He always acts 
like he knows something I don't.  Like he's always got an ace up his 
coat.  Now I know why."  Sheila growled slightly, it came out sounding 
more like a tame kitten than a fierce cat.
	Lillyanna rolled her eyes.  "I need some sane friends."


	Ben and Bob were sitting at the bar, facing each other, and 
talking.  Ben had rolled the sleeves up on his khaki shirt, showing off 
his muscular arms.  One arm rested on the bar next to his beer holding 
a smolder cigar, the other lay across his black denim covered lap.
	The pair had been conversing in a very civil manner, about Star 
Wars and comic books, when a familiar vibrating could be heard.

	Silent Bob noticed that the man across from him seemed to 
be...vibrating?  That was strange.  It wasn't often that people 
vibrated.  After a moment he noticed that the vibrations were coming 
from the bartender's hip.
	As was his trademark, Bob pointed to Ben's hip and began shaking 
his hand rapidly.  After a moment he gave up his Silent and just spoke.  
"Ben.  You're vibrating."
	"Huh?"  Ben gave his customer a confused look as he followed 
the direction of Bob's hand.  After a second he noticed that his phone 
was once again ringing.  With a frustrated grunt Ben removed the phone 
and answered it.
	"Moshi, Moshi?" he frowned and spoke harshly.  After a moment 
Ben's anger was totally replaced by a smile.  "Oh, hey, luv.  No, no, 
I'm not mad with you.  What?  Oh sure.  Yeah, bring 'em on.  Sure, of 
course the bar'll be open.  Hell, bring 'em now.  We could use the 
livelihood.  It's dead here.  Alright.  See you soon, bye."
	With a stupid grin and a flip, Ben closed the phone and replaced 
it on his hip.  "Shel, Lil.  Grab my wallet and run to the store.  I 
need you two to pick up some eggnog.  Just use my Visa, the pin number 
is 38-22-36."
	The girls shared a confused glance with each other before running 
for the changing room where Ben hung his duster.  Both knew that if 
they didn't move soon he'd revert back to his Scrooge-like self and 
take back the card.
	Just before the pair made it out the door Ben succeeded in 
grabbing both of them by their coats.  "Girls.  One thing.  If you 
spend money on anything BUT nog, I'll take it from you wallets or your 
hides.  Just so you know."  Playfully he slapped both women's butts to 
push them out the door.  "Be safe!" he called out after them.
	After the girls were gone, Ben fell back onto his stool next to 
Bob.  "So where were we?  Oh yeah.  You're problem.  What was it?  A 
woman problem, but not exactly, so spill."

	Bob sighed as he thought of a good place to start.  Everyone says 
that the beginning is the best place to start.  So that's where he 
began.  Quietly he snubbed out his dead cigarette and began speaking.  
"A couple years ago, I met this chick named Amy.  For a good long time 
we were inseparable, all big time in love, right."  Ben nodded in 
understanding, allowing Bob to continue.
	"Well four months down the road, the idiot gear kicks in, and I 
ask about her ex-boyfriend.  As we both know is always a really dumb 
move, but ya know how it is.  You don't wanna know but ya just have ta 
know, right?  Stupid guy bullshit."  Ben nodded once more as he took a 
sip from his beer.
	"So anyway she starts telling me about him.  About how they fell 
in love, and how they went out for a couple years, and they lived 
together, and how her mother like me better, blah, blah, blah.  And I'm 
okay.
	"But then she drops the bomb on me, and the bomb is this: it 
seems that a couple of times while they were going out he brought some 
people to bed with them.  Menage a trios, I believe it's called."  
	Ben nodded again.  "That's right.  Not the worst thing in the 
world, but not the brightest for a blooming relationship either."  
With a smirk Ben took a long drag off his cigar.
	Bob raised an eyebrow in curiosity, but continued with his 
explanation.  It blows my mind, right.  I am not used to this.  I was 
raised Catholic for God's sakes.  So, I'm totally weirded out by this, 
right.  So I start blastin' her, like I don't know how to deal with 
what I'm feeling, so I figure the best way is to call her "Slut," right 
and tell her she was used.  I'm out for blood.  I really want to hurt 
this girl."
	Ben absentmindedly nodded as he looked over Bob's shoulder at the 
door.  A young woman in her later twenties-early thirties had just 
entered the tavern.
	The woman's long, mid-back length, blonde hair was covered in 
white snow flurries.  The snow had also attached itself to the heavy 
black and green winter coat she was wearing.  Steadily the young 
woman's long legs carried her closer to the pair of men at the bar.  As 
she neared it was obvious that she could hear their conversation.

	Bob had never stopped talking, even though his audience was not 
giving him his full attention.  "I'm like 'What the fuck is your 
problem?!'  And she's all calmly trying to tell me, like, it was that 
time, it was that place, and she doesn't feel that she should apologize 
because she doesn't feel she's done anything wrong.  I'm like: 'Oh 
really?'  So I looked her straight in they eye and tell her it's over, 
I walk."  A flicker of understanding had entered Bob's eyes as he'd 
spoke, he knew his answer just as soon as he'd begun speaking.
	"It was a mistake.  I wasn't disgusted with her.  I was afraid.  
At that moment I felt small, like I'd lacked experience or something.    
It's like I'd never be on her level, like I'd never be enough for her 
or something.  Ya know what I'm saying?
	But what I did NOT get was that she didn't care.  She wasn't 
looking for that guy anymore, she was looking for me."  Stoutly Bob 
tapped his chest.  "For the Bob.  But by the time I figured this all 
out it was too late.  She'd moved on, and all I had to show for it was 
some foolish pride, which then later led to regret.
	"She was the girl."  Bob picked up the pack of Nails cigarettes 
he'd set on the bar, and his red Nails lighter, and removed one of the 
cancer causing sticks from its red cardboard home.
	"I know that now.  But..." Bob flicked the lighter causing the 
cigarette's open end to spark red.  He then dropped his lighter back 
onto the bar.  "...I pushed her away.  So I've spent every day since 
then Chasing Amy."  Bob's shame and sadness were evident not only in 
his speech but also in his downcast eyes and his mannerisms.  
	Silently Bob inhaled a large amount of the cigarette smoke, which 
he slowly released through his closed lips.  "So to speak."
	Ben grinned slightly as he watched the blonde woman standing 
behind Bob.  Her face had paled slightly and become saddened as she'd 
listened to the obese man's story.

	"Robert?"  Her voice caught in her throat, but to Silent Bob it 
hit like a 60-megaton warhead.
	Bob spun around on his stool.  His deep black eyes met the 
woman's ocean green eyes.  The tears could be seen forming at the 
corner of both people's eyes.  "Amy?"

	Ben grinned a tiny, devilish grin as he stood up.  "It sounds to 
me, like you problem completely understood.  So I'll leave you two love 
birds alone."
	With a Ninja's stealth the auburn bartender escaped the bar to a 
table where he could watch the couple.  Smiling happily Ben fell into a 
chair and propped his booted feet on the chair next to him.  "Love is 
the most powerful force in the universe."


	"Amy, is that you?"  Bob asked the woman before him.  This was 
like a dream come true to the Jedi Knight.  He'd stopped counting all 
the times over the years that he'd wished for Amy to walk back into his 
life, like she'd just done.
	Amy took a cautionary step towards the bearded man seated before 
her.  "Robert.  What are you doing here?"
	"I could ask you the same thing."
	Amy looked slightly shameful.  "Ben was going to let me throw a 
party here tonight.  He didn't say you were here."
	Bob turned and glared at the smiling man seated a few tables 
away.  Ben waved cutely at the larger man.  Silent Bob turned back to 
the love of his life.  "I came here to talk to Ben.  One of the guys I 
know said that Ben was an amazing problem solver."
	Amy smiled cutely, showing a mouthful of shining white teeth.  
"Ben's good at that kind of thing.  He has a way of making other's 
understand their problems better."  Cautiously Amy stepped closer to 
the man she once loved.  "It sounds to me though that you figured 
everything out on your own."
	Leaning over slightly Amy kissed Bob's rough, bearded cheek.  "I 
knew you'd eventually see that you were being childish, I just didn't 
think it'd take this long."
	Bob smiled somewhat awkwardly.  "I always did have a hard head."

	Ben stepped upto the pair and threw an arm around each of their 
shoulders.  "You two."  The tanned barkeep smiled happily.  "I want you 
two to be happy.  Go forth and be merry.  And try not to screw up this 
time, Bob."
	Bob snorted at the other man.  "We'll try our best this time."
	Ben's ice blue eyes narrowed into tiny slits.  "No.  Do or do 
not.  There is no try."







	Epilogue:



	The party had gone off with no problems.  A large number of Amy's 
friends had shown up, allowing Ben to make two or three nights' 
earnings in just a few hours.
	Silent Bob and Amy had left earlier in the evening, together.  
Everyone that had been in McLeary's that night had been able to tell 
that Bob and Amy were more than just friends.

	Sheila had helped Ben clean up and then left.  She had complained 
that if she didn't leave when she did she wouldn't get enough sleep.  
And she didn't want to be cranky on Christmas.
	Ben and Lillyanna had finished the cleaning duties together.  
Lillyanna, in her intoxicated state, was a form of hilarity for the 
bartender.  He'd watched as the drunken woman had gone around all night 
hugging and kissing random people.  He'd even seen her grab a few 
people's butts as the night had progressed.

	Ben snickered as he helped Lillyanna up the stairs to her 
apartment.  Between Lillyanna's giddy attitude and Ben's drunken 
staggering, the pair eventually made their way to the apartment.
	Lillyanna hugged Ben as they leaned against the door to her 
apartment.  "My knight in dirty leather."  She giggled happily at her 
own joke.  "You smell like booze."
	Ben leaned against Lillyanna.  "So do you, luv."  Ben chuckled as 
he rolled his eyes.  "Guess what, hun.  Look up."
	Giggling happily Lillyanna looked to the wall above her door.  
"Is that..." she squinted trying to get a better look.  "Mistletoe?"
	"That it is gal.  And that's my cue to run."  In a drunken 
stagger Ben attempted to flee the happy arms of his friend.  But alas, 
his luck was gone.
	As Ben's back presented itself to her Lillyanna grinned wickedly 
to herself.  Without warning the drunken woman jumped at the tall 
leather-clad man.  Happily she wrapped her arms around Ben's neck and 
planted her lips on his check.
	"Merry Christmas, Benji!"







	Kevin Smith owns silent Bob, Holden McNeil, Amy, Jay, Bluntman 
and Chronic, and Suzanne.  I am borrowing them without permission, and 
I make no money off of this.
This fic was written in 3 days.  Hope you enjoy.

redrum124@bigfoot.com