Intro: Good evening ladies and gentlemen out in TV land, we regret to inform you that tonight's episode of "This Week in Whiffle Ball" featuring the greatest catches of Dave Gertz has been cancelled. Frankly, we couldn't find any.

Instead we are going to bring you live from Meredith, N.H. a very spicy Baba Wawa Special. Due to its inflammatory nature, we highly recommend viewer discretion.

And now without further adieu, the "Queen of Questions" and "Master of Manipulation" herself—let's have a big round of applause for Baba Wawa.

Baba: Wank you, wewy much wadies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Baba Wawa Special. I’m your host Baba Wawa. Tonight, we’ll take a close look at two truly gifted athletes…two destined Hall of Famers…in the glamorous, gruelling and glorious sport…egg toss.

Their faces adorn virtually every egg carton in America. Wes, folks, tonight our guests are Wob "The Lob" Cassidy and Nancy "Knuckles" Kelley. Besides being superlative and fearless athletes, this dynamic duo have added to their collaborative efforts by publishing a book about their lives. Their best-seller "Regrettable Relatives" presents a sordid and scathing look at their rapid rise to fame, the price they paid for their success at the hands of family members who shamelessly pushed and exploited their tremendous talent. Nancy and Wob, let’s talk.

You were a little late in arriving. We thought you might not make it.

Bob: Sorry, Baba, and I must say you look marvelous. Actually, we ran into a traffic jam. Seems there was a big crowd laughing and thumbing their noses at a hitchhiker on Rt. 93.

Baba: Who was the hitchhiker?

Bob: It was John Sununu hitching a ride home to N.H. for the weekend.

Nancy: It seems Air Sununu has been grounded.

Baba: Did you pick him up?

Nancy: Actually, cousin Bob slowed the limo down and showed Mr. Sununu his middle finger and told him to "walk you lazy Republican.''

Baba: Bob, let's start with you. Together with your partner, you've propelled egg toss into the international limelight, making it a world class sport to rival even watermelon eating. To what do you owe your success?

Bob: Well, Baba, aside from my natural athletic ability, keen intelligence and quick hands, I owe it all to my mother.

Baba: Tell us more. She must be a wonderful woman.

Bob: My earliest memories are of early mornings in the kitchen—my mother, not cooking eggs like other mothers—but throwing them at me one by one, threatening me with white slavery if I dropped a single egg. You see, with mother, it was always, win, win, win. Do anything, but WIN! She always kept a picture of old Joe Kennedy above the mantle. She really admired his style. She always told me, "Bob, nice guys finish last.''

My mother is pushy, Baba. She's not nice like you.

Baba: Nancy, in your book, you pay tribute to your father. A sports legend in his own right, "The Babe" of whiffle ball. John "Crazy Legs" Kelley.

Nancy: Yes, Baba, it was exciting growing up in a sports family. You see, Dad wanted me to do something to rival the most celebrated catch of the century...his catch of a line drive whiffle ball in the lilac bushes of beautiful Old Kenmare Park back in '68. Yes, folks, that's 1968. He wanted me to experience how sublime a feeling it is to follow—even to the edge of the brook or the pump of the well—the arc of a small, fragile object as it plummets toward earth—and to snatch it from a certain crack landing just in the nick of time while the crowd cheers and the sports writers rush to the phone.

Baba: Who does your father think he is ... Walter Mitty?

Bob: That's a laugh, Nance. I've heard that fairy tale of your father's famous catch all my life. Everybody's heard the story of that catch. Trouble is, I've never actually met anybody who saw him make that catch. I bet a million bucks the only thing Uncle John ever caught was a cold opening the refrigerator to get Artie a beer.

Baba: But moving along, Nancy. You've had some harsh words to say about Your competitors. Don't you give any credit to them for your ability to catch eggs? After all, your competitors are your relatives.

Nancy: It's not above certain members of our family to poach eggs, but they certainly don't have a clue as to how to catch one. But Baba, I take it you're really referring to Brad "Shell-Shock" Schiff.

Baba: Among others.

Nancy: Brad has gone through more partners than Zsa Zsa Gabor. Johnny, Jamie, Doreen, Moira, Brian, Kevin, Pam, David, Colleen, Eileen Cathleen, Judy, Sharon ... and Aunt Ruth to name a few. Once he even paired up with one of the five-year olds. He thought no one would mind the boiled egg he quietly slipped into the game. But we had spies and foiled his scheme. They lost, of course, and Brad egg pelted the kid with as many eggs as he could get his hands on. It was pitiful. Bob, it's like you always say, an egg in the hands of an untalented player like Brad Schiff is bound to be bad for the egg.

Bob: But be fair, Nance, they did give us our Irish heritage. And after all, you and I are PURE IRISH.

Baba: What does that have to do with catching eggs?

Bob: After all, Baba, Irish hands are trained from birth never drop anything with liquid in it ... bottle or otherwise.

Baba: Why didn't you have one of your Irish uncles as your manager instead of that Italian teatotaler Wake Wizzo?''

Nancy: We love our uncle Jake, especially his eggcentricities. He invented egg toss.

Baba: How did he come up with such a great concept?

Bob: Jake came up with the idea to divert attention so he could waltz on down to the brook with his chicken caccitorri and Margaret or some other unsuspecting female to do a little dirty dancing.

Baba: Who does your uncle think he is ... Patrick Swayze?

Bob: Actually, Jake is a little strange when it comes to dancing. Last year, he asked me to use my influence with the networks to change Monday Night Footlball to Monday Night Ballroom Dancing ... at Wonderland with "Shakin’ Jake" Rizzo.

Nancy: We keep trying to tell Uncle Jake that people will pay money to watch dogs run around the track, but not some 75-year old who has already been around the track a time or two.

Baba: What about the other "Wizzos?" Did they compete at the egg toss?

Nancy: That's rather interesting, Baba. Remember the movie "Fort Apache" with Henry Fonda? Jake was so enamored by the ballroom dancing scene that he convinced Judy and Paula to marry soldiers... as long as he was invited to all the military balls.

Bob: Now Marilyn wouldn't enter the egg toss because she was afraid it might wrinkle her dress.

Baba: I know this Marilyn Bowser. She wrote "Fifty Ways to Wooze Your Winkles.''

Bob: And cousin John ... well let's just say he doesn't have the hands of a surgeon ... he also can't dance or catch so he did the only thing he could do. He studied economics. And none of us is sure he knows anything about that, either.

Nancy: Yeah, well I'm sure. You know how we're all worried about this rotten Republican economy. Well, you know what our Yale-bound economist cousin said when I asked him just before we came on the show what he thought were the chances of a recovery sometime soon? ... He told me he was sure Uncle Jake's bunion wouldn't keep him from tonight's Tango competition.

Bob: Well, I heard President Bush invited John to the White House and asked him about the latest downsizing.

Baba: What did John tell the Pwesident?

Bob: After he told him he was not related to Art Kelley, he told the President he was convinced he could break his slump if he started swinging up at the whiffle ball.

Baba: Aren’t any of your cousins good at sports? There are so many of them, surely one or two has some talent.

Nancy: Actually, Baba, I don't think one of our cousins knows the difference between a bowling ball and a whiffle ball.

Bob: That's not exactly true, Nance, there’s Jamie Schiff.

Nancy: Bob, not your Jamie Schiff theory again.

Bob: Nance, think about it, Jamie never misses a family gathering. Especially when Bob "The Hun" Gertz is around. And Jamie can actually catch things, a rarity for our cousins. Except that he's always watching Uncle Bob. Why, one year, I caught Jamie searching Uncle Bob's SS uniform. I tell you, Jamie's an agent for the Israeli Mossad.

Nancy: But isn't Jamie Catholic'?

Bob: That's just a clever disguise.

Baba: Wob Wertz? Isn't he the uncle who wanted the next Kelley outing to be in Buenos Aires''?

Nancy: That’s our Uncle Bob. Ever notice when Bob is alone how he’s always humming "Don't Cry for Me Argentina?''

Baba: Wob and Nancy, what about Aunt Ruth?

Bob: At first she seems so nice and genuine. Actually, Ruth has a dark side. Did you ever notice how Ruth is always taking notes at family time? Few people know, Baba, that Aunt Ruth co-authored a book under her pen name.

Baba: You mean to tell me that your sweet Aunt Ruth is actually Kitty Kelley?

Nancy: Yes, aided by her co-writer, Catty Kelley. We're all very proud of Ruth the Slasher and Catty the Killer. At least they're Democrats. Unlike some of our right-wing relatives.

Baba: Let's get back to your career highlights ... and especially the lowlights.

Nancy: Well, of course, our victories in '70, '71, '72, '73, '74, '75, '76, '77, '78....we swept the 80s until the demise of the Kenmare Egg Toss International.

Baba: And the lows .... Like what about the "Black Egg Scandal'' of '79? in which you devoted a lurid chapter in your book.

Bob: And that brings us to Aunt Julie.

Baba: What did your Aunt Julie have to do with it?

Bob: Nance and I were arrested en route to the Egg Toss for possession of narcotics cleverly hidden in several dozens of eggs. It seems some shifty informant tipped off the cops to look for an egg-colored limousine headed for Londonderry. We never made it to the tournament. The police smashed the eggs, hauled us off for mug shots and fingerprinting. While Julie was back at Kenmare telling everybody that this was the year Brad was going to WIN. She said she always knew Nancy and Bob were bad kids. Their morals are scrambled.

Baba: Tell me Wob and Nancy, what are your plans for the future? And what are you going to do with the money from your book sales?

Nancy: Actually, Uncle Ralph has a brilliant marketing idea for a line of eggs.

Baba: What’s he going to call them'?

Nancy: Ralph's eggs.

Baba: What does the future hold for Wobert Wassidy?

Bob: Well, Baba, first I have a commitment in Kuwait for a camel race. It's all part of Uncle Art's latest scheme to clean-up in Kuwait. After that I'm thinking of taking up golf so one day I can become Vice President.

Baba: Nancy and Wob, that was a beautiful story. Usually, I'm the one who makes the celebrity cry on my very own Baba Wawa Special--and of course, my audience loves it when that happens. Could I ask you one small favor?

Nancy: Sure, Baba.