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Classic Skits

Reunion Information

Walter: Hi. I’m Lou L. Parsons of the Londonderry Tattler.

Beatty: And I’m Bea Starr of the Avon Advocate.

Walter: We’d like to ask you a few questions about your father, Jack "The Natural" Kelley.

Beatty: We understand that he has retired from the newspaper biz to join the major leagues where he’s actually hitting the covers off baseballs! This is extraordinary!

Together: Yes, that’s right. He’s quite a guy.

Walter: So can we ask you a few questions?

Maureen: Sure, fire away. Just quote us right and no pictures, please, unless you get our best sides. (They all do a profile.)

Beatty: Is it true that he looks just like Robert Redford?

Nancy: Oh, no…The Natural is much blonder. A real natural. And that’s where he got the nickname. Baseball had nothing to do with it.

Walter: Tell me, did he hit like that when he was growing up in Charlestown?

Johnny: Only his brother Artie.

Andrea: Oh, but there was the time when The natural batted Junior Feeney all the way to Southie for calling Artie "Julie Charles."

Beatty: Who taught him to hit like that?

Maureen: His sister Julie. One of the greatest. But since women weren’t supposed to play ball, she taught The Natural everything she knew and went into Jewish Sensitivity Training, instead.

Walter: Was his family supportive of his baseball career?

Johnny: Well, he tried to get his sister Jo to play but she was always overrunning the bases in her "fast shoes."

Nancy: And then there was his sister Ann. She did one of the most important things for his career. She introduced him to… "The Babe."

Beatty: You mean Babe Ruth!!

Andrea: No, we mean Babe O’Shea. The woman he married.

Beatty: How did they meet?

Andrea: In a photograph. One look at her in a bikini and he wanted to touch all the bases.

Walter: How did Babe O’Shea boost his career?

Maureen: She boosted it all right. Right out of bed at 6am with a nice tall glass of brewer’s yeast and Canadian Club…After that, he could rise to any occasion.

Beatty: Let’s go back a bit to his service in World War II. Did it delay his development as a hitter?

Nancy: Oh, no. He played all the time in Iwo Jima. It was The Natural who introduced baseball to the Japanese. He started a team called the Iwo Jima Giants. The Japanese learned to love the game…they’d go back to fighting during the 7th inning stretch.

Walter: Why didn’t he join the majors after he came home?

Johnny: That’s because the Babe shot him. Just her Irish temper. No big deal. She wanted to eat Chinese when The Natural wanted corned beef and cabbage. They ate Chinese as soon as he got out of the hospital. He just wasn’t up for baseball after the wound. That’s when he began his career as a salesman.

Andrea: Yeah, he was a real natural. He could sell anything.

Maureen: One time he sold a dozen cases of light bulbs to The Perkins School for the Blind.

Nancy: And Club Med memberships to the Little Sisters of the Poor.

Andrea: And bales of kitty litter to the Audubon Society.

Beatty: Tell us about his unsuccessful run for the Presidency.

Johnny: Oh, it was unfortunate. We always felt The Natural would be another JFK. In fact, the family had it all planned to follow the script. Artie had the right number of kids, but just couldn’t get down Bobby’s accent.

Walter: We understand that The Natural is a very affectionate person and that he gives everyone a nickname.

Maureen: Yes, I’m "Big Mo."

Johnny: Would you believe I’m "Johnny Hornpout."

Nancy: I’m "Nanook of the North."

Andrea: And he calls me "Sandy Beach."

Together: WEIRD!

Beatty: What does The Natural do for hobbies?

Maureen: Oh, plays the piano…travels…Beatty: A musician, eh?

Johnny: He’s a Natural at the keyboard. When he sits down to play "Arrive Derci Roma," even Tom Casey his neighbor starts to cry…And that’s because his windows rattle.

Walter: Where does The Natural do his winter training?

Andrea: In Arizona.

Walter: Why Arizona?

Andrea: I don’t know…well…there is a place down there where ball players go to dry out…

Maureen: No, Andrea…he went to Arizona to train so that on Wednesday nights…he could teach young Indian boys to play blitz…I mean baseball.

Beatty: You’ve described your father as quite a hero. Hasn’t he ever done anything wrong?

Together: NEVER!

Nancy: Well, he did skip Mass one Sunday.

Maureen: Yeah, and the day he called in sick to work. But that was because he went to see the Pope.

Walter: The Natural has just retired from the Salem Evenings News, is that correct?

Together: Yes.

Walter: Is the News sponsoring his baseball comeback?

Nancy: In a way. His throwing arm sure got a workout delivering all those papers.

Beatty: Are they providing financial support?

Maureen: Only be supplying T-shirts with the company logo on the back.

Andrea: And now the witch is finally off his back!

Nancy: And it’s back to baseball and becoming one of the greatest hitters ever…hitting the covers off baseballs!

Johnny: He’s sixty-five years old with a brand new career.