Just The Way You Are

written and performed by Billy Joel
signed by deaf actress Marlee Matlin
to serenade (or torture!) Oscar the Grouch (Carroll Spinney)

parody of Billy's hit Just The Way You Are

(Billy Joel and Marlee Matlin are pushing a piano to Oscar the Grouch’s trash can.
When they get there, Marlee gives Billy the “go ahead” sign.)

Billy: Okay. (Knocks on trash can lid.)

Oscar (pops up from inside can): State your name, then beat it!

Billy: I’m Billy Joel.

Oscar: Billy Joel what? Cat got your last name there? Heh-heh!

Billy: Just Billy Joel.

Oscar: Oh.

Billy: And this is Marlee Matlin.

Marlee: Hi.

Oscar: Yeah, hi. (Signs “hi” to Marlee.)

Billy: We’re grouch groupies.

Marlee: We love grouches!

Oscar: You love grouches? Oh, yuck!

Billy: And whenever I throw away a used piano, I give it to a grouch. And this time you’re it!

Oscar (excitedly): Oh, yeah? Ooh, a used piano, man? Huh.

Billy: And Marlee helped me push this here.

(Marlee makes the sign for “muscle” to Oscar.)

Oscar: Well, while you’re pushing, why don’t you just both shove off? But leave my piano!

Billy: Uh, not yet, because with the piano comes a song. A love song.

Oscar: A LOVE SONG???? (Groans)

Billy: You hear the song, and then you get the piano.

Oscar: I knew there had to be strings attached!

Billy: This one’s for you, Oscar.

Marlee: Right from the heart.

Oscar: Right from the heart?! Oh, I’m gonna hate this!

(Billy begins to play the piano. While he sings, Marlee signs.)

Billy: Don’t go changing just to please me,
‘Cause being friendly’s not your style.
Mmm-hmm-hmm...
Don’t want to hear you
Saying, “Thank you”

(Oscar: I won’t!)

‘Cause I would hate to see you smile.

(Oscar: I never smile!)

Just be grouchy, really grouchy.
You’ve done it pretty well so far.

(Oscar: Oh, a compliment! This is getting pretty sticky!)

Mmm-hmm-hmm...
I took the bad times; I’ll take the worst times.
I’ll take you just the way you are.

(Oscar: The way I am, huh? Hah! I’ll change that!)

(Oscar disappears into trash can, and Marlee looks surprised.)

Don’t go trying some new fashion.

(Oscar comes up wearing an orange wig.)

(Oscar: How’s this?)

(Marlee runs her fingers through the wig.)

I wouldn’t like you debonair.
Mmm-hmm-hmm...
Just keep that can you stash your trash in.
Don’t even try to comb your hair.

(Oscar takes off the wig.)

(Oscar: Just get lost, huh?!)

Don’t try friendly conversation.

(Oscar: It wasn’t friendly!)

Don’t change the oil in your car.
Mmm-hmm-hmm...
We just want someone that we can’t talk to.
We want you just the way you are.

(Oscar: Well, you can’t have me! Ahhh!)

(Oscar goes back down into his trash can for the second time, and Marlee looks surprised again.)

I want to know that you will always be
The same old Oscar that I knew.

(Oscar comes up wearing a disguise with the fake glasses and nose. Marlee jumps back.)

(Oscar: Is this him?! Heh-heh!)

Oh, please just keep on talking mean to me.
It makes me happy when you do.

(Oscar goes back down for a third time and comes up wearing an Indian-type mask.)

I said I love you, and that’s forever.
And this I promise from the heart.

(Oscar smacks his hand to his forehead exasperatingly.)

Mmm-hmm-hmm...
We couldn’t love you any better.

(Oscar: This is the mushiest thing I ever heard!)

We love you just the way you are.

(An instrumental solo where Marlee hugs Oscar.)

(Oscar: What are you doing?! What’s this?! HEY! Never hug a grouch!
You’re kissing me! Ahhh! Never do that to a grouch! Ugh!)

(Music stops.)

Oscar: You really know how to hurt a grouch!

Billy: Enjoy your piano!

Marlee: Have fun!

(They leave and call goodbye.)

Oscar: You don’t have to give me this piano! I don’t want it! I heard this piano! It’s tuned!
Grouches hate love songs!

(He brightens up a bit.)

...except this one kinda really made me angry! (Sighs)

Originally transcribed by Ashley, with major help from SilveryShoe@aol.com


Available on the 3-CD Box Set

Songs From The Street: 35 Years Of Music
Songs From The Street: 35 Years Of Music