Grover The Waiter - Cooperating with Pino The Waiter
skit starring Mr. Johnson (Jerry Nelson), Pino (Dave Goelz).
and Grover the Waiter (Frank Oz)
from approx. 1993
(We fade in on Mr. Johnson sitting in his usual table in Charlie's Restaurant.)
Mr. Johnson (excited): Oh boy, oh boy, am I hungry! I hope that waiter I always get isn't here today ...
Pino (light blue, furry monster, with a very thick Italian accent): Hello, sirrrr-a! Ma name izza Pino, and amma gonna be your waiterr today!
Mr. Johnson (delighted): Oh, happy day! A new waiter!
Pino: Si.
Mr. Johnson: I'LL FINALLY BE ABLE TO GET A MEAL WITHOUT ANY TROUBLES!!
(Of course, his happiness is short-lived, as we hear Grover's footsteps madly rushing in from the right!
Now we can tell he's in for REAL trouble!)
Pino: Of course you will!
Grover (now we can finally see him): HOLD IT HOLD IT HOLD IT HOLD IT HOLDITHOLDIT!!
Mr. Johnson (now very disappointed): Awww...
Grover: What is going on here?!
Pino: Well, amma waiting on deesa fine customer, DAT eeza what eeza goin' on!
Mr. Johnson: Right! That's right, so GO AWAY!!
Pino: Si!
Grover (at least TRYING to be reasonable): That is impossible, sir. I cannot go away, this is my table! I am your waiter!
Pino: No you are not, I am heeza waiter!
Grover: Oh, I am afraid you are sadly mistaken, Piiiiiino! I am his waiter!
Pino: But Meester Grover, I am heeza waiter!
Grover: No, Mr. Pino, I am his waiter!
(They continue arguing about this matter until ...)
Mr. Johnson (angry): QUIET!!!!!!! Look, I don't care WHO my waiter is, I JUST WANT SOMETHING TO EAT!!!
Grover: Yes, sir, and I, your waiter, will get you something to eat!
(Mr. Johnson affirmatively nods, and just before Pino even opens his mouth to speak, Grover gracefully flies offscreen.
Pino tries to chase after him.)
Pino: No, I'M-a gonna give you ...
Mr. Johnson (tries to stop both of them): But ... Wait!! I -- !
(Total commotion occurs backstage, as Mr. Johnson sighs in displeasure. Various clinking of pots and pans as Grover walks through the double-doors, carrying a tray of chicken.)
Grover (yells back into the kitchen): Sorry, Charlie!
(strains) Here you are, sir! Here you are, chicken payag (?) with roast potatoes.
Mr. Johnson: I don't want that!!!
Pino (carrying another tray): Of corrsa you don't! You wanta MINE!! Trout with [pronounced "wiz"] fig butter!
Mr. Johnson: No, I don't want that either!
Pino (quickly): No problem. I will give you something else.
(rushes offscreen)
Grover (this time chases after him!): NO, I WILL I WILL I WILL I WILL!
Mr. Johnson: WAIT! Y-- !
(Running sounds are heard offscreen)
Oh, you didn't hear what I wanted!
(We hear more crashing and clinking of kitchen devices until Pino comes out in a dignified manner.)
Pino (carrying a tray): Ohhhh, nicey nice-a. Here ya go, SIRRR-a! Brrisket of-a beef-ah!
(Grover rushes back onscreen, carrying yet another tray!)
Bon appetito!
Grover: No, no, no, no, no, no! He does not want a BRISKET OF BEEF!! He wishes to have a glazed ham (???), am I right, sir?
Mr. Johnson: No, you're wrong! I don't want either!
Grover: No problem!!
(Rushes off yet again!)
Pino: Wait for me!
(Runs after him!)
Mr. Johnson (exasperated): OH, I'M NEVER GOING TO GET WHAT I WANT!!!!
(More crashing and clinking, with which Mr. Johnson looks to the kitchen with a start!)
(Suddenly, MAYHEM occurs in fast motion! As brisk, wacky vaudeville chase music punctuated with various crashing and whistling sound effects, Grover and Pino run back and forth through the double-doors bringing Mr. Johnson EVERY SINGLE DOGGONED THING they have in the kitchen, all of which he doesn't want! At times, Grover and Pino sometimes collide with their trays in hand, giving each other angry looks in each other's eyes. They even enter and exit through the doors at the same time! Something tells us that they are obviously NOT cooperating!)
Mr. Johnson: (now really annoyed, plate piled upon plate piled upon plate on his table) WAIT! STOP!! COME IN HERE!!!!
(Pino and Grover, now out of breath, assume their positions.)
Mr. Johnson: That's enough! YOU CAN'T KEEP RUNNING BACK AND FORTH BRINGING ME EVERYTHING IN THE KITCHEN!
Grover: H-he is right.
Pino: Si. I agree. What shoulda we doooo?!
Mr. Johnson: YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO WHAT I WANT AND COOPERATE!!
Grover: Listen ... and co-operate?
Mr. Johnson (stresses): Yes! I will tell you what I want, and you EACH get me something, then you'll BOTH be happy!
Grover (still plowing along with his breathing): ... And YOU will be happy?
Mr. Johnson: RIGHT!!!
Pino: Si. Okay, well-a let's try it. I'm-a leestening.
(cups his ear close to Mr. Johnson)
Grover: I am too.
(does the same with his)
Mr. Johnson (still stressing): Okay. I want orange juice and a tuna sandwich on toast.
(Both agree on it.)
Grover: Okay, I will get the orange juice.
Pino: And I will get you da tuney on toast-eh.
Mr. Johnson: (relieved) Good!
(They both calmly exit. Now Mr. Johnson looks very vexed now.)
OH, I HAVE THE WORST LUCK WITH WAITERS!
(As bad luck would have it, they both come back moaning and crying in defeat.)
Mr. Johnson: Where's my food?!
Pino: We so sorry!
Grover: Sorry. Ohhhh. We are all out of orange juice!
Pino: Si. Same with da tuney fish.
Mr. Johnson (now very annoyed and frustrated): WHAT?!!?!
Grover: You know, Pino, you are a very good cooperator.
Pino (while Mr. Johnson keeps his shocked look on his face): And you are very good waiter, Meester Grover.
Grover: Thank you, but someday I hope to direct. (they both exit)
(Mr. Johnson gives yet ANOTHER sigh of displeasure. He faints on his chair, accompanied by a slide whistle sound, and lands with a loud THUD!!!)
Transcribed (trying as best as he could to keep a straight face while doing so) by Josh