salaices@leland.stanford.edu

Hello everyone!  Straight off I want to apologize for making this part so
short, but I found that perfect place to end it and couldn't bring myself
to change it.  As always, thanks bunches and bunches to all of you who
have taken the time to e-mail me.  It's you guys who inspire me to skip my
classes and get the next chapter in on time, instead.  Comments,
criticism, praise (hooray for praise!), and even flames (eek!) are always
welcome!  I would also like to thank Andrea Hui and Artemis for this
fabulous site.  Okay, on with the business stuff . . .

Disclaimer:  Sailor Moon is owned by Naoko Takeuchi and I am using all
characters without permission, though I'm wondering if maybe Naoko would
let me borrow Mamoru for just a few days . . .?   ;)

I dedicate this chapter to a very special friend, Marie Frassa, who can
blow bubbles with a skill that rivals Sailor Mercury's.

* * * * * * * * * * * *  @>---'---;---  * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Final Truths

By
Lilac Summers

Chapter 4

  Usagi was very warm and very comfortable in Mamoru's arms . . . and
very, very mad.   Once he had picked her up he had only paused long enough
to hurl a rose into her bedroom in case Luna should return and wonder
where her ward had gone off.  When Usagi had finally gotten enough wind
into her lungs to protest vocally, he had taken an edge of a blanket and
hurled it over her head so that all sound was muffled.  Her movement was
hampered by the same blanket, which had wrapped around her body when he
picked her off the bed.  She had no idea where he was taking her, blinded
as she was by the sheets, and every step he took only served to make her
more and more upset.

   On the other hand, she was being carried by her love, held close to his
tuxedoed chest so she could hear the comforting rhythm of his heartbeat.
Her head rested on his shoulder and her nose was pressed to the hollow at
his neck, so every breath she took was scented with the cologne she had so
desperately tried to escape.  In other words, she was home.

  Instantly Usagi realized she was being seduced out of her anger by her
own senses, and tried to refocus.  Dammit, Mamoru (or, rather, Tuxedo
Mask) had taken her out of her warm bed, robbed her of much-needed sleep,
just so he could *lecture* her!  The sheer gall!  As if he were her
father . . . as if she were answerable to *him*, when HE was the one who
had done all he could to tear their link to shreds!  Who the hell did he
think he was?!  Well, he most certainly wasn't her keeper, and she would
be sure to inform him of this as soon as possible.

  Mamoru was oblivious to the fact that Usagi was close to resembling
Mount Vesuvius before the eruption.  He continued on his way, paying scant
attention to his surroundings as his feet seemed to follow a preordained
path.  The light bundle in his arms had fallen silent after her first
attempts at protests were effectively silenced, and he could now enjoy the
familiar weight of her in his arms, unhampered this time by any worry due
to her wound as he had been earlier that night.  The perfume that rose
from her sheets was distinctively that light scent of flowers that she
wore and that permeated her bedroom.  He breathed in happily, not
questioning why his spirits had suddenly lightened as soon as he had taken
his Usako up in his arms again.  His previous anger was still there, of
course, and that hurt feeling of abandonment that he personally could not
identify, but at the moment he was content.

Finally his feet came to a stop, and Tuxedo Mask broke out of his reverie
to see where his subconscious had brought him.  The familiar fountain with
the fresh bloodstains at its base greeted his sight.  He was tempted to
laugh bitterly at the sheer irony of the situation and turn about to find
some other place to hash it out, but then thought the shock of the
surroundings would serve to knock some sense into Usagi's hard head.

  He dropped the pink-enshrouded girl unceremoniously on the edge of the
fountain and then powered down into Mamoru, standing over the madly
wriggling mass of sheets sitting up at the fountain.

  Usagi fought her way free of the stifling mass of sheets and blankets,
coming up for air sputtering and spitting mad.  Her face was beet red, her
eyes were two sapphire chips set above tightly clenched lips.  Her hair
had come undone from her odangos and now stood on end, her bangs pointing
every which way.  Steam seemed to come off her face and evaporate in the
cool night.

  Had the other Senshi been there to witness Usagi's state, they would
have instantly started screaming and running for cover.  Rei, especially,
had survived Usagi's sudden explosions of temper, and even Reeny had also
recently had the dubious honor of causing these blasts.  Mamoru, on the
other hand, had never had cause to witness Usagi's rages, and NEVER had
one truly directed at him.  Sure, he had steamed her all the time at the
beginning of their acquaintance, with all his teasing and such, but she
had been mostly annoyed, not actually angry.  No, no, no!  As Rei could
attest to, an Usagi on the rampage was a scary Usagi.  He, looming over
her and looking at her in her disheveled state, could only think that
she was absolutely adorable.  Her face was tinted pink, which he
attributed to the heat from the sheets, and her gorgeous little face was
scrunched up like a kitten that had just tasted something sour.  He was
quite entranced, and leaned over her a little more to inspect her golden
hair a little more . . .

  "AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!  HOW DARE YOU!  WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE,
MAMORU CHIBA, DRAGGING ME FROM MY BED LIKE SOME SORT OF CAVEMAN?!  To
scold me, no less!  Did you come to apologize for your rotten behavior?
NO, you DIDN'T!  You drag me out of my comfy bed, after all I've been
through tonight, to LECTURE me, like if you were my DAD!  Well, you know,
you ARE NOT my dad, though sometimes you treat me like I'm a child.  Well,
I'M NOT!!  And I don't have to take this from you!"

  Usagi paused to take another lung-full of breath, starting to get into
her tirade.  Mamoru, on the other hand, was trying to stay standing in the
face of this unexpected gale.  He felt as if he was in the middle of the
storm, and had this awful inkling that she was just getting started...

  "What's more, you don't even ASK me what I want.  You are SO high handed
and unreasonable!!  I thought Rei was bad, but at least she has SOME
respect for my opinion (though not much).... YOU, on the other hand,
couldn't care less what I want, do you?  You just make these decisions,
and expect me to abide by them with no explanation whatsoever when all I
ever asked is to know WHY you would ever hurt me like..." Usagi tapered
off, unsure where her thoughts had started to get muddled and interject
her feelings about the break-up into her outburst.

  Mamoru was staring at her as if she had three heads.  He had been a bit
thrown off in the beginning of her diatribe, but now his own anger
resurfaced.  He remembered just exactly what he had brought her here for.
Taking advantage of her confusion he bit it:

  "So, I am unreasonable?!  *I* AM NOT THE ONE WHO DECIDED TO PUT HER LIFE
IN DANGER ON A CARELESS WHIM!  And then, finally when I think you have
done all the foolish things you can for one night, FINALLY when I think
that you will stay put for once and do as you should, you jump off a
ten-story building!!  TEN STORIES, Usagi!!  And you are hardly in top form
at the moment.  Just when I think I can have decent night's rest, you pull
a stunt like that!"

  "DON'T YOU DARE SHOUT AT ME!" shouted Usagi, regaining her momentum.
Now she stepped away from the bundle of sheets at her feet and stood up to
him, nose to nose.  "I did what I thought was right!  I couldn't stay in
there, you hear me Mamoru?!  I couldn't!  You think I wanted to stay
another moment in that room, knowing you were on the other side?!"

  Mamoru, unfortunately, misunderstood Usagi to mean she would rather jump
off a roof than be in the same building with him.  In reality
Usagi referred to the torture of being so close and yet so far from him.
However, he had no way of knowing that, so he formed his face into an
emotionless mask while, inwardly, he was bleeding from the sting.  He
forced himself to look down at Usagi, who was standing so tantalizingly
close to him, and knew that he wanted to hurt her, to make her feel the
same pain he felt.  And he hated himself for it, just as he was unable to
control it, and enunciated cruelly, "unfortunately, Usagi, that is your
problem.  You don't think.  You never think about anything except
yourself and how you feel.  Well, let me make something clear to you.
There are people out there who depend on you, and you have no right to
make decisions that can put those people in danger in any way.  It really
is a shame, but you are the only one who can use the Crystal, and thus you
cannot live your life on a whim.  It's not the world's fault that you
turned out to be such an irresponsible protector."

  He hated himself.  Every word he spoke to her he directed at himself.
He had been watching Usagi's eyes somehow lose their light as he spoke, he
had seen her face crumple, and every nuance was killing him.  And yet, he
continued, caught in a masochistic wave he could no longer control.  He
meant none of it, picked his words only as tools to hurt her, knowing that
he was striking at all the insecurities that she harbored.  So his lips
spewed forth venom, though his soul wept at the lies and longed to praise
her for her courage, her unselfishness, her purity, her light, and her
love.  But there was a demon in him, a dark side that he tried so hard to
trample, a shadow that only Usagi's light could disperse but that had
regained strength with their separation.  Maybe he feared, somewhere deep
in him, that he could somehow infect her with this darkness.  He knew he
wasn't good enough for her.  How could he be?  How could anyone be?
Perhaps that was why he was being warned away....  Fate knew that he
could dirty her with himself, and tried to keep her safe.  Now he said
anything to push her away and to make her hate him as much as he hated
himself.

  Therefore he continued, holding Usagi's trembling chin and forcing her
gaze at the marks of dried blood on the concrete.  "You see that?  That is
your blood, Usagi Tsukino, but it doesn't belong to you.  It belongs to
everyone on earth.  I wish, for your sake, that it had been given to a
stronger warrior," he watched the knife hit, and twisted it mercilessly,
"like Rei."  Usagi's eyes were now wide and unseeing, her every insecurity
put into word and confirmed.  Mamoru pushed on, some detached part of him
wondering how far he could go before he went insane, "but since that isn't
it, and we are stuck with you as the princess, and I and the girls are
stuck being your protectors, you might as well make this easier on all of
us and do as you are told.  You can't be left to yourself.  I'm sure you
understand . . . all the Senshi do.  Even Reeny can tell that you just
aren't enough-" WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Mamoru was silenced abruptly.  Ice blue eyes looked down upon spun gold.
Usagi stood breathing harshly with her head down, one hand still
outstretched and stinging from the force of the hit.  Mamoru's pale face
was graced with a harsh red mark on his cheek, testament of the strength
behind the slap.  He welcomed the pain, relished it and deserved it, and
he knew it.

  "I hate you," Usagi whispered brokenly, lowering her hand, her face
hidden by her bangs.  Now she raised her head and looked straight at him,
her eyes dry and firm.  "I don't know what I ever saw in you."

  The only indication that he heard her was the slight dilation of his
pupils, widening pinpricks of black on a sea of ice.  He felt wetness at
his lip and brought one fingertip up to it, wiping at the blood that
welled from the cut.  She had split his lip.  He looked down at the red,
wondering if he were in shock, perhaps, to be so calm after he had finally
succeeded. He had what he wanted, after all.  She hated him, just as it
should be.  He continued to stare at that crimson fingertip and his
muddled mind flashed on to another picture, where a white-haired man
looked at his fingertips and smiled.  Mamoru did not smile.  The memory of
the nightmare was, however, a catalyst, breaking through the shell of
shock so he realized just exactly what he had done.  He had pushed his
only chance for redemption away, and he couldn't stop.  Mamoru suddenly
knew what true despair was like.  It was not a messy emotion filled with
anger and crushed hope; despair was an frigid black void that swallowed
you whole and made you a screaming wraith.

  Usagi had begun to think--to pray--that she was still asleep in her bed
and this was some nightmare.  Never had she thought Mamoru could be so
cruel...and so stupid.  When he had begun to strike out at her, she could
not get past the actual words to the feelings underneath.  What she was
hearing was her every fear, her every doubt, brought out into the harsh
light for inspection.  She had started to crumble, to doubt herself as she
so often did.  But Mamoru had made one vital mistake . . . he had talked
of the Senshi as if they viewed her as an obligation.  Where Usagi may
doubt all about herself, she did not doubt her friends.  That was her
greatest strength, and this strength was usually overlooked or
underestimated by others, as Mamoru had just done.  Usagi knew that her
friends believed in her unconditionally.  Sure, she wasn't the best
Senshi, but her friends were always there to lend her strength, and she
could get the job done with them.  They were not "stuck being her
protectors," they had chosen to be her friends.  It was something
completely different.

  So Usagi looked behind the words, and saw the robot-like light behind
Mamoru's demeanor that somehow reminded her of how he had looked under
Beryl's command. Now that she was paying attention, now that her eyes had
been opened, Usagi could finally look at Mamoru, past the icy facade and
painful words.   One thing Usagi was very good at was reading people's
souls, and she could see Mamoru's intentions now in stark clarity.  She
could read what his mind was trying so hard to conceal, but what his heart
could not hide from her.  He still loved her.

  "Are you happy now, Mamo-chan?" Usagi whispered.  Mamoru recoiled from
her at the endearment, but Usagi did not pause.  "Is that what you wanted?
To hear that I hate you, that I can't figure why I would ever love you?
Is that what you wished for... my love?"

  Mamoru began to back away from her, shaking his head in confusion, but
Usagi followed relentlessly, taking two steps forward for every step he
took back, so that finally his back pressed against a tree and she was
right in front of him, cutting off escape.  Any passerby would have been
confused at the scene, would have wondered how a tiny teenage girl could
hold a tall man back, maybe think they were witnessing a reversal of an
assault. That was exactly what Usagi was doing . . . she was assaulting
Mamoru, but she did not use a gun or a knife.  She just used the truth.

  "You are a very bitter, stupid man, Mamo-chan.  You are pushing me away
for reasons I don't understand, and, what's worse, you don't understand
them any more than I do.  And I don't think that you understand me at all,
either.  All in all, Mamo-chan, you understand nothing because you refuse
to do what is in here," she placed a soft palm over his chest and felt his
heartbeat accelerate, "and instead try to do what is in here," she touched
cool fingertips to his temple, tapping lightly.  She leaned up on her
tiptoes, not removing her hand from his chest and lowering the other so
that it rested on his shoulder instead of on his temple.  Mamoru's eyes
widened in fear. . .fear of what other secrets she could tear from his
mind.

  "Sometimes I think you don't know me at all.  Because if you did, you
would know that I could never hate you.  You can insult me until dawn, you
can kill me if you wish, but you cannot make me hate you.  It is
impossible, as impossible as it is for you to stop loving me overnight."

  Mamoru shut his eyes tightly and turned his head away, trying to block
the sight of those insistent, heavenly eyes that were reading his soul so
easily.  But Usagi would not let him get away with that.  She was sick and
tired of the lies, of the insults that he engineered so cunningly and that
had fooled her up until now.  With undue force she pushed back on his
chest so he pressed back against the tree trunk, and then gripped the back
of his head with both her hands and forced his head down so she was
eye-to-eye with him.  His eyes opened in surprise, and she was met with
glistening blue skies.

  "There is something in that very smart brain of yours that is screwing
you up, Mamoru.  I don't get how someone as brilliant as you could be so
darn stupid at times.  You are out to ruin the only thing that can bring
you real joy . . . the only thing that can end your loneliness."  Usagi
softened at the pain she was witnessing in Mamoru's eyes.  She wanted to
comfort him, to tell him that she forgave him for whatever reason he felt
he had to hurt her.  God, she could forgive him anything.  But she
couldn't stop now.  She had to make him realize, to make him see that
without each other they were nothing but broken halves.  She was sure that
somewhere deep inside he knew that, but something was holding him back.
She had to break through that, for both their sakes.

 But first she would soothe, just a little, for herself as much as for
him.  She softened her hold on him and wiped a solitary tear that escaped
from his eye, making no move to wipe the tears that flowed down her own.
"Yes, I know you are alone.  You thought maybe you could keep that hidden
from me . . . but I've always known, Mamo-chan, because that's exactly how
I feel.  I know what it's like to look up at the moon and wonder why you
feel incomplete, why there's a hollow in the middle of your heart.  It has
been better for me, because I've had such good friends and family, but you
have had to cope by yourself.  Yet, even if you are surrounded by people,
you can still be lonely.  I didn't stop feeling lonely until I met you . .
. did you stop feeling lonely when you met me?"

  Mamoru could only stare at her silently, every word she uttered entering
his brain and imprinting itself if there.  He was mesmerized by this angel
before him that went from hot to cold so fluidly and managed to pry his
fears out of his head.  He could only nod at her soft question,

  Usagi was not finished.  She was getting through all the barriers, once
and for all.  She could only pray that she would be able to hold it up.
Her own emotions were taking over, her own pain needed to be calmed . . .
but she had one more thing left to say.  Her hands returned to their place
around his neck, ready to direct his head should he look away.

  "I can't do this by myself, Mamoru.  Didn't you tell me the same thing
earlier tonight?" she breathed.  "But I will do anything I have to do to
get through to you.  You *will* let me back in, Mamo-chan, because if you
don't then neither of us will survive.  So let me tell you something, oh
great Tuxedo Mask, protector of that clumsy Sailor Moon: I know I am not
that great at what I do, but I still have an advantage over you . . . I
know what I want and I know what I need.  I've always known . . . all I
want is you."

  As he looked down at her, immobile, with the shadows finally clearing
from his eyes, she gripped his head in her hands and brought his head
down, claiming his lips with her own.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
To be continued

Tah-dah!   There's chapter four.  People said it couldn't be done, but
it was.  Okay, people didn't say it couldn't be done-I said it couldn't be
done-but it doesn't sound as cool that way.  What'ya think, what'ya
think?!  I admit, I was a little "iffy" about it.  Also,  although it may
seem as though the end is at hand, I don't really know if this is close to
being finished.  I could end it in one more chapter, keeping it focused on
this lovely couple's relationship, or I could continue it and throw in
some action and a splashy denoument.  What do you all think?  I'll be
taking votes  ;)