(*) Designates a footnote

Today was the first day of my fast and the first day of my solo. I stood before the "Valley of Snakes"(*) I had with me my backpack that contained not much more than a tarp, water, sleeping bag, first aid kit, a stove (for hot water) and warm clothing. I paused at the mouth of my canyon wondering what lessons I would learn here.

Why was I here? To learn that I could survive alone and not just to survive but to learn how to be happy with my aloneness.I was here to see what being alone might teach me.I was also here to face my other fears--the ending of my relationship, the endings of things and events in general,and the ultimate ending...death.

After saying a prayer and playing a heart song on my flute I walked into the first part of the canyon. After about five minutes of careful hiking I unhooked my pack and climbed a rock wall (a gateway in my mind) to the second part of the canyon. As I slowly trudged along I began to examine places to put up my tarp and create a home. I knew I wanted to be up against a stone wall so I examined the cliffs walls and also overhanging rock ledges. Under one ledge I found an abundance of rabbit droppings. I continued further and there just past a little spring I found my perfect spot.

I made my bed on a long flat rock against a cliff in the narrowest part of the canyon. The bed platform also came with a shelf just above it. I attached my tarp to some lone branches above and folded the rest of the tarp underneath me to create a little hut for me and all my gear. I weighed down the tarp edged with stones. Also at my home site I had many places to sit and even a couch of sorts. I even had an amphitheater for my spirits to sit :) This experience gave me the confidence that I can create a comfortable home anywhere on this earth.

Once I created my home I stood back and admired it with  pleasure. I felt like I belonged there. This was my place. I felt cozy in this part of the canyon and I still had a great view of the huge barren mountains to the West. Next I decided to create my Medicine Circle. I found a stick to mark its center and I stuck it in the ground. Then I tied rope to it about 2-1/2 feet long. By moving around the stick holding the rope I was able to trace out a circle in the ground. I asked Mother Earth if I could take her rocks and she laughed and said "of course!" One by one I carried stones from all different places and started to complete the circle starting from the West heading clockwise. When I found my mind tiring I stopped. I wanted my full concentration when I constructed this circle. About an hour later I came back to it and finished it. I must have placed about 60 stones four of them large ones to mark the cardinal points.

I spent some time in my circle and dedicated it to my purpose.

* To feel a very strong connection to God.

* To create a sacred and safe place to release the old me and become new.

* To formally say good-bye to my partner of 21 years.

* To appreciate life and who I am. I believe if I can appreciate what I have, I will feel many other things--motivation (job), patience (Mom), trust, sharing.

Just before dusk I took my stand to face my first night alone in the wilderness but alas it started to rain. I went in my hut and was glad to be warm and dry in my sleeping bag. To spend some time I called up my best friend on my Spirit telephone and talked to her for an hour. Of course it appeared to be very much a one way conversation. :)

As I was talking to myself about the days events it rained and rained. Then the rain turned into a downpour and this downpour didn't stop. By around 9'oclock I was beginning to become alarmed. The stone wall I was next to was beginning to spring leaks and the leaks were beginning to turn into streams. I felt like I was on the Titanic and it was beginning to sink!

I used my wash rag to lap up the pools of water that were beginning to form. Then it occurred to me that a flashflood was imminent. In fact, it should have occurred hours ago.I rolled up my sleeping bag, wrapped it in plastic,and packed a few essentials in case I had to run for it.I felt trapped. Even if I left now I would be running around in the dark, in the rain and in a 40 degree temperatures..a good combo for hypothermia. I asked God for help and the answer was "Stay Put!" So for another three hours I huddled in my hut over my backpack until I decided to just give up on fear. I figured if a flash flood came and I got wet and died from hypothermia or I was struck by a piece of debris that was ok. I felt I had lived my life well and I was doing what I wanted to which was to go on a quest and find the meaning of endings/death.

When I awoke next, the rain had finally stopped. I climbed into my sleeping bag and fell asleep grateful to be alive. I thought of all my people, my home in San Francisco, my job and was grateful for everything I had in my life. I was grateful for life. This experience also taught me that I had the courage to face difficult situations, that I could "weather the storm", and that I could rely in God to protect me in Life as in Death.

I awoke early, climbed out of my bag and sat in the sun. I was glad I had to go to the stone pile and leave a stone for Angie...it was something important to do. But before I left, I made an amazing or maybe not so amazing discovery. I had started my menstrual cycle one week early. (The Vision Quest handbook said that might happen) and I had brought no supplies. Not only that, but I found I was already rationing toilet paper (I was running out of that too!) Surprisingly I was not dismayed. Comparing this little problem to last nights experience was but a small inconvenience. However, being "on the rag" took on a whole new meaning :)

Next I packed my day pack with water, a first aid kit, and with flute (**) in hand, I walked back through my "Valley of Snakes." It wasn't as scary as the first time. Perhaps there are a lot less snakes in my life than I thought.:)I pondered how I must make life seem more difficult than it really is by creating an abundance of imaginary dangers. Anyway, it took me some time to find the stone pile and when I did find it I noticed it was in plain view of Angie's (***) cave. I glanced up and saw her there and quickly retreated.

Once I got back home, I sat in the sun and stared into space very happy and content with where I was and what I was doing. It was funny not having to do anything, although going to the bathroom every hour or so gave me something to do. I was enjoying my company--me, myself and I. Once in awhile one of us would crack a joke just to keep our spirits high :) I contemplated segregating grains of sand  but that didn't really appeal to me so I decided to go for a  little walk up the canyon. In a very short while I saw Steve's campsite and again quickly retreated into my domain. I decided to climb a small hill to the North while also beginning to notice that I did have courage to explore "new territories." There may be snakes in life but that doesn't mean I should stop exploring what the world has to offer. Once again I took my flute, played a little and then proceeded. (I often played my flute for courage. The Native American flute is a good way for me to connect with the Divine.)

At the top of this hill I could see the tree at base camp and longed to be there. But I knew that would be taking the safe way out, the easy way out and that wasn't why I was here. There was more to learn just right where I was. I began to prepare for this evenings theme...saying good-bye to my ex partner of 21 years.

When the sun began to fall I said a prayer, played for the Spirit, stepped into my circle and invited my ex to join me. We talked about our past, our sorrows. We offered our forgiveness and our love. It was a sad time for me, tears fell but afterwards I felt full. As I watched the day draw to a close I heard distant church bells. I actually think I was hearing things although I did hear church bells the next day as well.

It was then I had my vision. I did not expect to have a physical vision at all so when it was happening I was amazed and somewhat dubious.The sun cast out its rays in a very distinct radial pattern of about 12 arms.. slowly they rotated outward and downward. The Crown of Glory appeared to me and as this Crown descended into the horizon leaving one solid ray ascending into the Heavens, I heard the words:

This brought me to my knees as tears flowed once again. I stayed kneeled until the stars shown. All fear of the night vanished and I enjoyed gazing at the heavens. It was quite cold as it had been every night since I arrived at Death Valley...maybe in the thirties but my soul felt very warm and protected. I went back into my hut and fell fast asleep.

Before I continue with my story I would like to add a poem that one of our guides, Mike Botkin, wrote for me. Its about cycles and how they apply to me.

> For Vivian:

> All up the little wash

> There are signs of new life.

> Green buds atop dried stems

> Tiny unexpected flowers, peeking

> From the alien rocks.

>

> You take your stand at night.

> Alone with your grief,

> Your losses become a song

> Whose words are "Dying births new life".

> You sing it for sustenance--

> There's no other food here.

>

> The night sky wheels slowly overhead,

> The medicine wheel of the West

> Moves inside you.

> At dawn, you see chittering birds

> Digging up last year's seeds.

> There's much to do

> To prepare for the coming Spring.

>

> [end of poem]

Thursday-Riding the Stallion

[End of blessing and my story]

Foot notes:

(*) I have an exaggerated fear of rattlesnakes so that’s why I call my canyon the "Valley of the Snakes" [smile]

(**) The flute I brought with me was a Native American cane style flute in the key of A, made by James Gilliland.