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You hardly ever hear of anyone named Betty anymore. I guess if you want to get picky about it, there's not many famous people named Betty, although two immediately spring to mind, Betty Rubble from The Flintstones and Betty Grable from being an old-timey movie star. There are no rock stars named Betty, which tells me that the name's been out of fashion for at least 50 years, but I have 4 aunts named Betty if you include my wife's family. So I'm thinking it was very common at one point, even though now it sounds like a name that David Letterman would call someone famous to insult them.
It sure does sound funny when you say it over and over. Betty Betty Betty.
The closest thing there is to a rock star named Betty is the group called Betty's Not A Vitamin. But they're named for the fact that there was no Betty in the Flintstones chewable vitamin pack, and I don't know if they've changed their name since a few years ago the chewable vitamin people actually did start making a vitamin in the shape of Betty.
Since I started writing this about 2 hours ago, I've thought of practically nothing but the word Betty and how funny it sounds when you say it over and over. And yet I find it oddly comforting, it's old-timey and kind of homey-sounding, like someone who would take care of you. Maybe it's my age, but I find that appealing. More appealing than a 20-year old college student in a tight skirt who wants to go out dancing all night and doing ecstasy. That would be a girl name Ashley or Heather. Betty would stay at home and fix you meatloaf and watch an old movie. It would be really great if this was actually a cool thing, or if you could somehow blend these two images together and make them more appealing to everyone.
And then while thinking about this I had the most amazingly fantastic idea I've ever had in the entire history of my life. It probably won't ever catch on, and if it does I won't get any credit for it; but then again, this is for the betterment of mankind and not for my own personal selfish gain.
So here's my idea. That from now on, when a guy meets a good-looking woman, he can say she's a betty. Not just a good-looking woman he wants to screw around with, but one he would stay with and take home or whatever.
"Hey, did you see Jennifer Lopez on TV last night?"
"Yeah, she's a betty!"
"Did you meet the new girl yet? What a betty!"
It sounds cool, it sounds new and hip. I totally think it could catch on. Pretty soon even hip young ethnic comedians with be saying it, only they'll be saying "BE-TAAAAY!"
It sounds like it could even be a song, maybe by one of those weird-sounding bands like Jimmy Jig Fight or Tofu Meatloaf or Eating Frogs (I don't know if those are names of real bands, but they should be). I'll even make up some lyrics and whoever wants to record them can, except they just have to agree to use the word Betty in this context for the rest of their careers.
She's A Betty
She takes a dozen hits of 'e'
And makes a meatloaf just for me;
She'll dance all night in skin-tight skirts,
Then darn my socks and flannel shirts.
From Donna Reed to that skank, Pink
In half the time it takes to blink...
She's future, present, and the past,
And even though you blink real fast
She's a betty, She's a betty, She's a betty
She's Britney Spears, she's Estelle Getty,
She'll rock your world and hold you steady
She's a Betty
She'll wake you gently, sweet and fair,
Then vomit while you hold her hair,
And treat your bunny's sniffly cough,
Then bite the poor thing's head clean off.
She's everything that's soft and fluffy,
And half those demon things on Buffy,
And though you sense her evil plot,
She's everything you want, or not...
She's a betty, She's a betty, She's a betty
She's floor-length skirts and leather teddys
Or that girl from Diff'rent Strokes named Freddy
She's a Betty
A few things about these song lyrics. I know they suck, ok? I write them in like 10 minutes, so I know I'm not winning any grammys. Also, I was watching Buffy while I wrote this so I kind of had this image of Eliza Dushku in my head, and her character on Buffy is totally not a betty. You might think Buffy herself is a betty, but anyone that might possibly kick my ass I would disqualify; on the other hand, if someone wants to tell me that Sarah Michelle Gellar is a betty, that would be totally cool because it would mean that they were using the word that I just made up. Lastly, I know that there was no girl on Diff'rent Strokes named Freddy, and that that was a character Cree Summer played on A Different World, but that was too many syllables. Like I said, I was jotting down the first thing that popped into my head. Which is kind of what I do every day.
But I have to say that they turned out a lot more evil than I intended them to. I meant to say how you could combine old and new, and instead she sounds totally like a devil woman. Maybe my song should be more a love ballad:
She's A Betty
She's sun and moon, she's dark and light,
She's Patsy Cline and Gladys Knight,
She's cherry coke and sloe gin fizz
She's everything a betty is
She's a betty betty betty
She's Michelle Branch and Helen Reddy
She's a party-girl but she's rock steady
She's a betty
She's mostly woman, partly child,
She's sunday school and "Girls Gone Wild"
She's nice aged brie and canned Cheez Whiz
She's everything a betty is
She's a betty betty betty
She's Madonna and your great-aunt Netty
When you're half-drunk she's smashed already
She's a betty
Ok, that one totally sucked. It sounded just like the first one, only not so evil. But I still think this could catch on. What I really need is for someone famous to get on board, and I don't know any famous people. Well, once a guy dated my sister and now he works in the White House, but that's hardly the cutting-edge of pop culture and besides I didn't really know him. And a girl I knew in High School has a sister who was on Baywatch for a while. But I think that's a long shot. And even if she heard of it, all that would probably happen is that David Hasselhoff would start saying it and record the song in German and call it "Ich Bin Ein Berta" and totally kill any chances that it would ever become cool. Maybe I'll write to Chris Tucker or something. I need some sleep.
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| I thought "dill rock" was better than "dill weed" or something, cause they're Flintstones and all... |
(from the Mail Bag June 10)
...I hate to break this to you, but here in Oregon we've been saying good-looking women are Bettys ever since I was in 8th grade, and ugly women are Wilmas and ugly men are Barneys....
So good-looking men are Freds? Betty's a babe but Wilma isn't? That makes no sense. Anyway, this will make me the first on the East Coast to start saying it.
Hate to break it to you, but:
1. "Betty" already is a slang term meaning an attractive female.
2. You forgot the band Betty Blowtorch.
3. You forgot Bettie Page! How could you forget Bettie Page?!
I'm not sure who Bettie Page is, but judging by her website she's a betty. But she spells it wrong. I did a search on Google just using the word "Betty" and didn't find anything new or surprising. And I also looked at dictionary.com (the final word on American slang...)
betty
\Bet"ty\, n. 1. [Supposed to be a cant word, from Betty, for Elizabeth, as such an instrument is also called Bess (i. e., Elizabeth) in the Canting Dictionary of 1725, and Jenny (i. e., Jane).] A short bar used by thieves to wrench doors open. [Written also bettee.]
The powerful betty, or the artful picklock. --Arbuthnot.
2. [Betty, nickname for Elizabeth.] A name of contempt given to a man who interferes with the duties of women in a household, or who occupies himself with womanish matters.
3. A pear-shaped bottle covered round with straw, in which olive oil is sometimes brought from Italy; -- called by chemists a Florence flask. [U. S.] --Bartlett.
I knew as soon as I said it there were going to be folks telling me they'd already heard it. It does seem like that's what the word should mean. It just seems natural. It kind of rolls off the tongue. So I'm not surprised.
If you rent Clueless with Alicia Silverstone (definite Betty), she refereneces her mom as a "Betty." By the way, I liked your song. Oh and speaking of Eliza, you should pick up Jay and Silent Bob Stikes Back...total toilet humor but she is in it and looks pretty hot....
Thanks for the comments on my song. I've always liked Alicia Silverstone, and Eliza too , they're both bettys(except when she was in True Lies, wasn't she like 7 years old? So, ewww) but Jay & Silent Bob....I've heard enough to know it's totally not my kind of movie. I give it a big thumbs down, without having seen it, as I'm sure most critics do...
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